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Time To Go
The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly in 20 minutes.
One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.
When they got home after the service, the wife asked him why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.
He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."
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Thanks to LBS: Bush and Clinton
George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl XXXIX in Jacksonville. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.
"Watch and learn," answers Hilary. They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip. When they get to the station they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary.
"Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.
When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clinton's cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost the election...
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Thanks to J&G B: Surprize!
At a girl's college, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young
lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman.
"But think of how I feel. I'm her mother."
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An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
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I remember the day when a police car pulled up to Grandma's house and Grandpa got out.
The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park.
"Why, Bill," said Grandma, "You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
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I'd heard that Australian football is a lot rougher than the American version, but never believed it until I witnessed a game first hand.
In the first half, I saw 3 broken arms, half a dozen sprains, and at least 4 broken noses - and that was just the cheerleaders.
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RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was said to have actually been reported by the teacher) it is funny! After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night ------early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
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Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Well, the chauffeur felt like he didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Billy took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 75 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?" The trooper said, "No, even more important." "It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief. "No, even more important," replied the trooper. "It isn't the President George Bush, is it?" "No," replied the trooper, "Even more important." "Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
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Predicting the Future
Amy: Can people predict the future with cards?
Joan: My mother can.
Amy: Really?
Joan: Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.