"What is This?"
A Rabbi, a Priest and a Salvation Army pastor walk into a bar.
The bartender says to them, "What is this - a joke?"
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Oneliner
"Sign on the door of a marriage license bureau: 'Out to Lunch. Think it over.'"
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"Monkey Poker"
Q: Why don't the monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?
A: There are just too many Cheetahs.
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Exchange Policy
by Robert Byron
When my wife and I became engaged to be married, my father in-law to be
joked with me about how it used to be customary in some American Indian
cultures for the groom to offer something in return for the hand of a mans
daughter. "For instance," he said, "a young brave might give his future
wife's father a horse and blanket in exchange for permission to marry his
daughter."
I told him that I would keep that in mind.
During the course of our wedding planning, my wife and I purchased a toy
horse and a small blanket to present to her father at the rehearsal dinner.
We figured we would have the last laugh on this one and couldn't wait until
we could "make the trade."
As is customary at a rehearsal dinner, we handed out gifts to the
bridesmaids and groomsmen. Afterwards, we announced that we had a gift for
my fiancé's father and explained that it used to be customary in some
American Indian cultures for the groom to offer something in return for the
hand of a mans daughter. We handed over a small wrapped box and my father
in-law to be chuckled as he opened it in anticipation of the joke at hand.
Everyone had a good laugh as he held up the toy horse and blanket for our
families and friends to see.
Gripping his prize and with a smile on his face, he turned to me and said,
"Just remember; no refunds, no returns. All sales are final."
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"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican
border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job.
They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people.
Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush
when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno
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Thanks to LBS: GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's
lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few
nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do
while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes
alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
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Thanks to PW: Church Attendance by Steve Higginbotham
A preacher was getting a little concerned about the
lagging attendance at the congregation where he
preached. So in the weekly church bulletin, the
preacher wrote the following:
This . . . is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . .
church . . . sometimes .. . looks . . . to . . .
the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes .
. . into . . . the . . . pulpit. . . to . . . deliver
. . . his . . .message.
Howeveritwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch.
Point Made!
Friends, beware! Much like an automobile, a Christian
usually begins to miss before he completely quits!
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From a friend: SPONGES
There are 5 sponges laying on your kitchen counter
top. Each member of your family has been cleaning up
different areas of your home, but all the sponges look
the same. You are curious as to what was cleaned in
your home, but you can't tell by looking...they all
look the same....so what do you do?
You squeeze each sponge to see what comes out.
As you squeeze the first sponge, you see that cola
comes out, and so you decide that someone cleaned the
kitchen with that one.
Upon squeezing the second sponge, you find tub and
tile cleaner -- that one was used to clean the
bathroom.
Next, in the third sponge, you find motor oil -- hubby
was cleaning the garage!
In the fourth sponge, baby powder puffs out when it is
squeezed -- yep, the baby's nursery was done with that
one!
And finally, in the last one, is floor wax -- that was
the one you used on the hall floor!
As you lay the last one down, you look again at their
similarity -- and they all look the same until they're
squeezed.
Christians are the same way.
As life squeezes us, different things come out --
anger from one, a need for revenge from another, tears
from one, remorse from yet another -- also greed,
untruth, lust -- and finally, from one saint, pours
forth the love of Christ.
Just like the sponge, we can only squeeze out what is
put in -- stay in the Word daily, and be in continuous
prayer, so that when life puts the squeeze on you (and
it WILL), Jesus, and Jesus ALONE will shine forth from
you!
Have a blessed, squeaky clean day!
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There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always
do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a
signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman
held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your
house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the
keys I had left in the door.