Monday, March 31, 2008

hUMOR For March 31st

Failing Grade

Vernie walked up to his teacher s desk, holding a report card with a big red F.

"If I were you," said Vernie, "I would change this while you still can."

"Why is that?" asked the teacher.

"Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."

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Darryl and Harold

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "Yes" and the doctor proceeded. "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Darryl said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I d be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl s hand, and told him he was free to go.

On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Harold answered."

"Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

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Smart Thinking

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but the plaintiff's lawyer sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

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Remember these days? I do!

THE BASIC RULES

1. You had to wash the clothes line before hanging any clothes.


Walk the length of each line with a damp cloth around the line.

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order and always hang

whites with whites and hang them first.

3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders, always by the tail.

What would the neighbors think?

4. Wash day on a Monday...........never hang clothes on the weekend or Sunday for heaven's sake!

5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your 'unmentionables' in the middle.

6. It didn't matter if it was sub zero weather.............clothes would 'freeze dry.'

7. Always gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes. Pins left on the line was 'tacky'.

8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the clothes pins with the next washed item.

9. Clothes off of the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket and ready to be ironed.

10. IRONED?????????? Well, that's a whole other subject.

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A POEM

A clothes line was a news forecast

To neighbors passing by.

There were no secrets you could keep

When clothes were hung to dry.



It also was a friendly link

For neighbors always knew

If company had stopped on by

To spend a night or two.


For then you'd see the "fancy sheets"

And towels upon the line;

You'd see the "company table cloths"

With intricate design.


The line announced a baby's birth

To folks who lived inside

As brand new infant clothes were hung

So carefully with pride.


The ages of the children could

So readily be known

By watching how the sizes changed

You'd know how much they'd grown.


It also told when illness struck,

As extra sheets were hung;

Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,

Haphazardly were strung.


It said, "Gone on vacation now"

When lines hung limp and bare.

It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged

With not an inch to spare.


New folks in town were scorned upon

If wash was dingy gray,

As neighbors carefully raised their brows,

And looked the other way..


But clotheslines now are of the past

For dryers make work less.

Now what goes on inside a home

Is anybody's guess.


I really miss that way of life.

It was a friendly sign

When neighbors knew each other best

By what hung on the line!

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Cheap and nasty

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $250.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $130.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $50.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap and nasty."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

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Burglarized

Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized.

After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Jamie ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Incredulous, Jamie moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?"

"They send me a BLIND policeman!"