Today's hUMOR

"Freedom Peppers"

A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" He pronounces it "jo-la-pen-o," not "ho-lo-peen-yo."

The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppers are called."

The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please."

The cashier responds, "That is as may be, sir, but those are green peppers."

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Today's CleanPun

Why was the Tibetan rooster unusual?

Himalayan!

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Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.

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"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
~Lucille Ball

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"Animal Instincts"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

In the middle of one of Henry Ward Beecher's most potent political speeches, a member of the crowd gave a perfect imitation of a cock crowing. While the audience roared with laughter, the speaker gave no sign of annoyance, but he removed his watch and studied it while the noise died down.

"That's odd," Beecher said at last. "My watch says it's ten o'clock, but there can't be any mistake. It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."

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Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park
bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every
sunny day for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each
other's friendship.

One day the younger of the two turned to the other and said,
"Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed
after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to
remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stared at her, looking very distressed,
said nothing for two full minutes, and finally said, "How
soon do you have to know?"

Today's hUMOR

Management vs. Solutions

After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of
completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the
building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!

If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash
through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and
submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.

In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office
about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable
option by returning your approval."

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THIS IS A 'KEEPER'  !!

- A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.  She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.   It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.  While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!   1. Don't change horses until they stop running.. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind  get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you..

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"Phonetic Hymn Title"

Many hymnals have a hymn called "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."

It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would come just before the sermon. He replied with the above-mentioned hymn.

The following Sunday the bulletin read:

Hymn No. 134: "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear."

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Mary Poppins Room Service

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.

"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional
-- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out, paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!''

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###

"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."
~ Mark Twain

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"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
~ Herbert Henry Asquith

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"Warning Signs"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."

Five miles farther on, there was another sign: "Ice 5 miles."

The next one was, "Ice 1/2 mile."

We practically crept that half-mile.

When we came to the last sign it was outside a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."

Today's hUMOR

"Cold Cream Questions"

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

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CleanPun - Today's Market Activity

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Dr Pepper fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

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One Liner

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." ~Henny Youngman

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CleanQuote

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible."
~ George Burns

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"Careless Words"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

While my son was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE WASHINGTON, the air wing was busy with training missions.

After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing,

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes."

Good morning crew,

Hot Dog, Memorial Day! Old Mason and I have plans to do a little grilling at his place, but the last weather report I saw was a little iffy. So right now I could either be outside in sunny, ninety degree weather with a beer in one hand while flipping chicken wings with the other...or I could be sitting in my apartment heating up a frozen pizza while the rain comes down in buckets.

But if you are outside today, grilling pounds of delicious cheeseburgers and mountains of sausages and drinking all of that ice cold beer, please take a minute to remember the men and women who died in the service. It's their day!

Laugh it up,
Good morning crew,

Hot Dog, Memorial Day! Old Mason and I have plans to do a little grilling at his place, but the last weather report I saw was a little iffy. So right now I could either be outside in sunny, ninety degree weather with a beer in one hand while flipping chicken wings with the other...or I could be sitting in my apartment heating up a frozen pizza while the rain comes down in buckets.

But if you are outside today, grilling pounds of delicious cheeseburgers and mountains of sausages and drinking all of that ice cold beer, please take a minute to remember the men and women who died in the service. It's their day!

Laugh it up,

Today's hUMOR

"Homework Excuses"

Excuses to give your teacher when you don't do your homework.

- I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in dwelling on the past.

- I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.

- A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it again.

- Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.

- Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from freezing.

- I'm not at liberty to say why.

- I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me.

- It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.

- I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.

- I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.

- My mom used it as a dryer sheet.

- My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized.

- It's against my religion to do any homework.

- I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their death rays.

- I felt it wasn't challenging enough.

- My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.

- We had homework?!

- I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah, blah, blah."

- I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.

- I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working teachers.

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CleanPun

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle.

Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"

"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"

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One Liner

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." ~Ed Furgol

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CleanQuote

"I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

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"Coworker Support"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my dog, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few tense moments, a technician came to her co-worker's defense.

"Sir," she interjected, "are you aware of what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

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Management vs. Solutions

After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of
completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the
building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!

If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash
through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and
submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.

In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office
about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable
option by returning your approval."

Today's hUMOR

Once we finally got all of our gear for the SCUBA dive squared away we ventured out to a place called Blue Spring State Park just outside of Deland and Deltona.

When I asked my nephew Eric why we were diving in a spring an hour's drive away versus the ocean which is a five minute drive away, he said there was a lot more to see in the spring, it's fresh water, there are all sorts of rock formations to play around in not to mention a 160 foot cavern the spring gushes out of, plus it's virtually impossible to get lost in, unlike the North Atlantic Ocean.

So I didn't argue.

What I didn't know is that the parking lot for this spring is about a half mile from the actual river. Pfft! A mere 2,600 feet. However, in the 89 degree heat of the parking lot we had to put on a full wet suit (including boots) plus the 65 pounds of equipment, and then walk to the river.

I'm not embarrassed to admit I was hating life after about five minutes of walking. The girlfriend immediately abandoned me, walking about 20 yards ahead, leaving me to plod along behind.

But it was worth a little misery. The water is a chilly 73 degrees, gushing out of an aquifer about a hundred feet below the surface, and 73 degrees feels wonderful when your core body temperature is about a hundred and four.

The spring itself is pretty small, maybe half a acre, but it is the depth that is the real attraction. At the bottom of the pond is a crevice that goes down about 160 feet. While we were sitting in only a few feet of water at the edge of the pond the dive instructor was giving us some important last minute instructions.

"Remember not to go below 40 feet or you'll die," he said helpfully. "And once your down there remember not to swim straight back to the surface or you'll get an embolism and you'll die.

"If for any reason your air stops flowing find your dive buddy and use his alternate regulator, because if you swim straight to the surface you'll die. And make sure you equalize the pressure in your ears while you're going down, because if you don't your ear drums will explode and you'll die. Oh...and try not to bump your air tank into any rocks or it might explode and you'll die. Okay, everybody ready to have some fun? Let's go!"

By this time I was pretty much in a state or mortal terror.

The girlfriend, who apparently hadn't listened to a word of the safety lecture, swam straight to the cave and disappeared into the depths while I sat in five feet of water and hyper-ventilated into my regulator.

After five minutes I saw the dive instructor's head pop up and he swam over to give me the 'A-okay' sign, asking if I was alright. He managed to coax me into about ten feet of water where I sat testing and re-testing my regulator and buoyancy compensator, waiting for some malfunction to make my head explode.
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Salesman Visit

One day a salesman stopped by the Jones farm, knocked, and Mrs. Jones
came to the door.

"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.

"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."

"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty
finding him?"

"Shouldn't have any problem ... He's the one with the beard and mustache."

Today's hUMOR

"The End is Near"

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They held up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

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Hellman's Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo

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One Liner

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." - Mark Twain

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CleanQuote

"An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason." - C. S. Lewis

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"Real Skill"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

There was a rich man who was deliberately hard on his farmhand. He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a bottle of wine."

The farmhand asked, "How can I buy you wine with no money at all?"

The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."

After a while the farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to the rich man and said, "Enjoy the wine, please."

Staring at the empty bottle, the rich man asked, "There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?"

The farmhand said, "Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none."

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23rd Psalm

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the
23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed
disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will
follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness
and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like
Shirley following me around all the time."

Today's hUMOR

"One Rifle Hunting"

If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober

Three goobers went away on a hunting trip.

Once they'd set up their camp site, they prepared to leave for the hunt. Unfortunately, they discovered they'd only brought one hunting rifle along with them. So they decided they'd each take turns hunting.

The first one headed out and, a few hours later, he returned. He came back with a raccoon.

The other goobers were amazed and asked how he got the raccoon. "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot raccoon." he said.

The second goober thought that this was going to be easy, so he headed out. After a short time, he came back with a bear. The other two goobers asked how he got the bear and he replied, "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot bear."

The third goober thought that this was so easy, even he could do it. He left ... and came back three days later, battered and bruised. He looked awful. The other goobers asked what had happened. He said, "Saw tracks, followed tracks ... got hit by train."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanPun - Patient Wake Up

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

One Liner

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe." ~Jimmy Durante

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

CleanQuote

"Ain't no horse can't be rode; ain't no cowboy can't be throwed."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

"Job Impressions"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

Today's hUMOR

"Speech Flirt"

During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches.

During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Excited, I wrote down my phone number.

Looking startled for a moment, he flipped the napkin over and drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.

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Plumber's Sign

Seen on a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed. - Don't sleep with a drip."

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One Liner

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." - Charlotte Whitton

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CleanQuote

"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." - Mark Twain

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"Frantic Writing"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.

He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite!"

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Intercom Repair

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school.

One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him
that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about
filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.

She asked, "Is that okay now?"

"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

Today's hUMOR

Baseball

I was pondering a baseball. I was wondering "Why is it
getting larger and larger?"

Then it hit me.
WWWWWWWWWWWWW
 Telemarketers

I used to hate it when telemarketers would call but nowadays I
welcome them with open arms. Their calls are opportunities for me to
turn the tables and inconvenience them instead of them
inconveniencing me. Perhaps they have now blacklisted me because I
don't get as many calls as I used to but when my caller ID box shows
"Private Caller" my adrenaline rushes and I am ready to play.

One of the new ploys that telemarketers are using is to call you
electronically. You pick up the phone to hear a recorded voice say,
"Please stay on the line for an important message." They actually
expect you to wait on hold while they take their sweet time before
getting around to selling you something.

The last time I got one of these calls, I put on some classical
music and waited for someone to greet me. As soon as I heard the
telemarketer say hello, I said in my best radio advertiser voice,
"Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Our next
available representative will be with you shortly." I let the music
play and would repeat those phrases at thirty second intervals.

Finally I turned off the music and said, "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Jane with Allied Travel. How are you today?"

"Well, my gouts been acting up, I've got terrible hemorrhoids, I've
got poison ivy on the bottom of my feet and I just ate a pizza so
the heartburn will be coming on soon."

"I'm sorry to hear that sir but I'm calling to tell you about some
of our exciting travel packages that ..."

I interrupted her, "You don't really care about how I'm doing, do
you?"

"Why, sure I do?"

"You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"

"Well sir, I can't do that right now. I have to call people and tell
them about our travel packages."

"You can use my phone. Come on over."

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Of course I like you sir."

"So why won't you come over?"

"Well, I'm working."

"I got some pork rinds and some Pepsi and I could fry up a little
fatback if you'd like."

"Boy, that sounds real tempting but I'll have to take a rain check
on that."

"Okay, how about tomorrow then?"

"I can't. I'm working."

"How about the day after tomorrow then?"

"Actually sir, I'm not supposed to get too personal with the people
I call."

"Why'd you ask me how I was doing then?"

"That's just a courtesy."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Yes sir. I like you just fine."

"So ... You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"

(click
WWWWWWWWWWWWW
Boy, Officer and Squirrel

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one
hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "whatever you do to
that poor, defenseless creature, I shall personally do to
you."

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss 'im and let 'im
go."

Today's hUMOR

"Ring Appraisal"

An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if
she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's magnifier, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

"Wow," said a tourist who had been watching from the next table.

"These Texas women are tough!"

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Electrician's Truck

Seen on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

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One Liner

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." ~Groucho Marx

+++++++++++++++++++++  

CleanQuote

"A member of my staff asked me when I was going to retire.

I said, 'When I can no longer hear the sound of laughter.'

He said, 'That never stopped you before.'"
~Bob Hope

+++++++++++++++++++++ 

"Preparing for Parenthood"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Brian and Cathleen took their newborn, Emily, to meet her cousins, Erin and Savannah, in Oklahoma. The cousins were delighted with her and watched everything the adults did with Emily including changing her diapers. The girls were sitting right beside Brian the first time he changed one of Emily's messy diapers.

When he opened her diaper he said, "Ew! She pooped!"

Erin looked at him and asked, "Didn't they tell you she would do that?"

Today's hUMOR

"A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a
mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between
25 and 8,000 years old." -Craig Ferguson



When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he
join the Army. At the induction physical, the Army doctor
directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across
the room. "What chart?" the young man asked.

"The one on the wall! "The doctor said.

"What wall?"

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked
his beautiful nurse to walk in naked. "What do you see now?"

"Nothing."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said," but
your indicator is pointing toward Ft. Jackson!  Welcome to
the Army son."
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Company Examination

A company was hiring new staff. One question in the written exam was:

You are driving your car in a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus
station, and you see three people waiting for the bus: an old lady
who looks as if she is about to die, a doctor who had once saved your
life, a person you have been dreaming to be with. You can only take
one passenger in your car. Which one will you choose? Please explain
your answer.

Think about it before you continue reading.

This must be some kind of personality test. Every answer has its reasoning.

You could pick up the old lady. She is going to die, and thus you
should save her first. You could take the doctor, because he once
saved your life. This will be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you could always pay the doctor back in the future, but you
may never be able to find the perfect love once you pass this chance.

The candidate who was eventually hired (out of 200 applicants) did
not have to explain his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "Give the car key to the doctor. Let him take the
old lady to the hospital. I will stay and wait for the bus with the
person of my dreams."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A Touch of Home

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a
touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee,
explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat
rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good
thing she's not from Idaho."

Today's hUMOR

"Morning Sickness"

Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Molly?" she asked.

Molly told her that she had morning sickness.

Surprised, Sarah said, "Hurray! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

"I'm not," the harried middle-aged mother replied.

"I'm just sick of mornings."

()()())()()()()()()()

Official ID Card

My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange
tour with the Royal Navy in England. Everyone who drove
through the base's gates was required to hold an official ID
card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards.

As a friendly competition, my husband's squadron started
flashing different forms of ID, such as a driver's license,
just to see how far they could go to fool the busy guards.

The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of
toast.

()()())()()()()()()()

"What's Good Tonight"

Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."

()()())()()()()()()()
Optometrist's Sign

See on a sign at an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

---

()()())()()()()()()()

One Liner

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." ~ Mark Twain

()()())()()()()()()()

CleanQuote

"My main problem with reading books is getting past the idea that the author knows more about the subject than I do." ~ James L. Smith (Grandpa)

()()())()()()()()()()

"Stubborn Problem"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me
because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

Today's hUMOR

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .' My brother, Dan, the driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating . ' Not looking up from her knitting Dan’s wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control. ' As the officer writes out the ticket, Dan looks over at his wife and growls,  'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ? '

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher. '

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,  'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut? '

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving. '

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket , the driver turns to his wife and barks, ' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? '

'Only when he's been drinking, officer! '

############

Driving Around

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this
morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there's this man
in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his
rear view mirror ... shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he's
halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.

############

"One Carton and Six Eggs"

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

############ 

CleanPun - Tire Shop Sign

Seen on a sign a a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

############ 

One Liner

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
~ Victor Borge

############ 

CleanQuote

"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."

############    

"Vice Principal Review"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his high-school alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.

"I sure was!" answered the host. "He was the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?"

"Well, not then," replied the guest. "But my mother married him last Saturday."

############    

Today's hUMOR

CleanPun - Towing Sign

Seen on a sign at a Towing Company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

$$$$$$$$$$$$

One Liner

"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick."

$$$$$$$$$$$$

CleanQuote

"I prefer to sit on my own gate and whistle my own tune."
~ Charles Spurgeon

$$$$$$$$$$$$

"Kids on the Bible"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The statements below are said to have been written by actual students, that they are genuine and NOT retouched or corrected:

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten amendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

- The epistles were wives of the apostles.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

- One of the opposums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

$$$$$$$$$$$$

Today's hUMOR

"It Pays to Read Labels"

I finally figured out why I am so "full-figured"!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap! It says right on the bottle, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

Today's hUMOR

Wise Guys

Driving down the highway, I saw this slogan on the back of a
well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Always Go the
Extra Mile." In the grime beneath it, someone had scrawled,
"That's Because We Missed the Last exit."

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University
of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this
notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next
to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
##############
Where's the Paper?

"Have you seen this morning's paper?"

"Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it."

"But I hadn't seen it yet!"

"You didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds and a few orange peels."
##############
It's a Girl

Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were
expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me
at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down
all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my
co-workers.

"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she
weighs five pounds."

"When was she born?" someone asked.

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the
calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"

Today's hUMOR

"Project Picture"

My 12 year old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."

++++++++++++++++++++++

Taxidermist's Sign

Seen on a Taxidermist's sign: "We really know our stuff."

++++++++++++++++++++++

One Liner

"Each year a healthy adult male consumes one and one-half times his weight in other peoples patience."
~John Updike

++++++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote

"Whatever God did and was able to do and willing to do at any time, God is able and willing to do again, within the framework of His will."
~ A. W. Tozer

++++++++++++++++++++++

"Car Accident Honesty"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him.

Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.

The note read:

"Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am not."

Today's hUMOR

Courtroom Oops

Judge: I know you, don't I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Library Confusion

The college football player knew his way around the locker room
better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the
gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she
could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind." -Jay Leno

***
"I was homeschooled, which meant that I had to bully myself."
-Dave Letterman

***
"There is a company in Los Angeles that's selling a bottle of water for $2,600. You know what's just as ridiculous? A $2 bottle of water." -Jimmy Fallon

***
While I was dining out with my children, a friend of my neighbor, who recognized us, came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we homeschooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.

I said, "No, I also work... but out of our home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

"He was born at home," I answered.

The man looked at me and said, "You don't get out much, do you?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much lower."

My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

Today's hUMOR

Raise

Employee: Excuse me, sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of
this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a
raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I
decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is
just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the
current economic downturn has had a negative impact on
sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard
work, proactiveness, and loyalty to this company for over a
decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I
don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you
a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies
were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the
Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."

"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"

"Probably not," answers the keeper.

"Why not?" persists the visitor.

"Would you?"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
"A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old." -Craig Ferguson

***
"The Journal of Animal Ethics says that it's insulting to call animals 'pets,' and they should be called 'animal companions.' They say 'pet' is the most insulting thing you could call an animal, except in North Korea, where they're called 'dinner.'" -Jay Leno

***
"A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don't pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine." -Jimmy Fallon

***
On our way to my parents' house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. "Isn't that skirt a bit short?" I asked. She rolled her eyes at my comment and gave me one of those "Oh, Mom" looks.

When we arrived at my folks' place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and looking me over with a critical eye said, "Elizabeth! Don't you hink that blouse is awfully low-cut?"

Today's hUMOR

When I arrived at a friend's home for a party, my old
rattletrap looked pretty shabby parked next to all the fancy
new vehicles there. I announced to the other guests that
they'd have to excuse my transport, but my gardener had
requested my Rolls-Royce for a special occasion and so we
had traded cars for the day. Another partygoer said that he,
too, had switched cars. He said he had loaned his Rolls to a
friend who wanted to impress a new girlfriend.

Everyone laughed, and I felt rather pleased with my little
joke, until a few days later when I drove past the same man.
He was driving a Rolls-Royce.
&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^
Marathon

It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is
hobbling away, having just finished.

A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot
worse tomorrow."

He pauses and then says, "But the really bad news is that in about 3
days, you're going to think you had fun today."