Today's hUMOR

"Signs You Are an Elementary School Teacher"

You are probably an elementary school teacher if:

~ You ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home.

~ You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table.

~ You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends.

~ You hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes.

~ You declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line.

~ You ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction.

~ You sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book.

~ You say everything twice. I mean, you repeat everything.

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CleanPun

Washable: What a cowboy does very carefully.

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One Liner

"I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption."

 %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanQuote

"Motivation is the art of getting people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it."
~Dwight D. Eisenhower

Today's hUMOR

What if God Had Voice Mail

We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary
part of modern life. But have you wondered what would happen
if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and
hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one
of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.

I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will
be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on
the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, Press 1
Jesus, Press 2
The Holy Spirit, Press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you
are holding, please press 4.

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven,
Press 5, enter his or her social security number, and then
press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try
area code 666.)

For reservations at "My Father's House," please enter
J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions
about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's ark
is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is closed
for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray
again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance
when this office is closed, contact your local pastor.


Thank God He doesn't have voice mail and that He listens
when we pray!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
World's Thinnest Books

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ACTING by Keanu Reeves

HOW TO GET A TAN WITH A BLOWTORCH

THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

Today's hUMOR

Dig a Hole

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet
deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and
explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be
needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem.
He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole
without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and
explained his problem.

The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these
days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to
dig that hole deeper!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&
A Wrinkle in Time

My husband and I both look very young for our ages. In fact, we've
hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes on each other in college
-- at least, that's what we tell each other. Our children have a way
of bringing us crashing back to earth.

Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who was running for
public office.

"He's a Vietnam Vet," commented my husband.

"What's that?" queried our young daughter.

Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old could readily
grasp, my husband replied, "Well, Honey, that means that the man
fought in a war that happened when Mommy and Daddy were little."

Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a moment, then asked
"So, was he a Viking?"

Today's hUMOR

"According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve
of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once
they graduate and try to find a job." -Jay Leno

                            ***

"Last year, Chewbacca threw out the first pitch for opening
day. He was 'Wookiee of the Year.'" -Craig Ferguson

                            ***

"A message in a bottle was found in Russia, 24 years after
it was written. Unfortunately, the note said, 'Help! Stranded
with enough food for exactly 23 years.'" -Jimmy Fallon

  In the Band

I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South
Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals
who arrived on our base.

One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the
radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon,
he sent us scrambling to the flight line with
instruments.

One of the musicians had also heard the radio
announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered
conference. When they returned, the officer told us the
performance was canceled. There was no arriving general.

We had almost played for the weather forecast.

                          ***

Today's hUMOR

Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of
global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of
New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New
Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien



Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband,
Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth
and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard
an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. "Thank God
you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this
alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought
I was dragging you down the highway."

"And you didn't stop?"
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A Trip to the Park

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa
Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that
he was lost in the park ... and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said Grandma, "You've been going to that park for over
30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris
whispered, "I wasn't lost ... I was just too tired to walk home."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A Case of the Flu

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his
doctor for to get an appointment.

When he was told the scheduled date of the appointment, he
became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't
see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have
your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

Today's hUMOR

I sit in a little cubicle farm with six women and Steve
from The Daily Groaner. Okay, six and a half women. Any-
way, I've always felt like a bit of an outsider because
I could never understand most of their conversations, but
I think I may have finally figured it out.

I feel like Jane Goodall when she was finally able to
communicate with the gorillas in their unspoken language.
I understand it now.

It revolves largely around four principal topics, those
being; What day is it? What are we having for lunch? When
are we leaving for lunch? And, What is on TV tonight.

Combinations of these four interrogatives comprises the
bulk of the conversations that occur between the women in
the office.

Now that I understand the way the tribe communicates I can
begin decoding their language. And if I find out that they
are really only discussing what day it is, what they are
having for lunch and what is on TV tonight I am going to be
really upset.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of
global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of
New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New
Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien



Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband,
Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth
and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard
an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. "Thank God
you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this
alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought
I was dragging you down the highway."

"And you didn't stop?"

Today's hUMOR

Absent-Minded Lawyers

---

---

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials.

The following true exchange says it all:

Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?"

Doctor: "That's correct."

Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?"

Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy."

Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?"

Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short time later."

Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"

Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially."

Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room."

Doctor: "That is what the records indicate."

Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?"

Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorrhaging in the chest area and that was the cause of death."

Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?"

Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!"

 *********

Absent-Minded Professor

---

---

An absent-minded professor was on board a train and he was unable to find his ticket.

The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket.

The conductor said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off." 

**********

Accents

---

---

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?" 

**********

The Accident

---

---

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Today's hUMOR

"First Salute"

The first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige.

When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.

He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir."

&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

"How's Business?" asked the bystander.
Said the street cleaner, "Things are picking up."

&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand."

 &&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"Common sense isn't."

&&&&&&&&&&

Today's hUMOR

"A Dollar Per Point"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

&&&&&&&&&&

"A Dollar Per Point"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it."

&&&&&&&&&&

No Parking

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space
with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper
that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't
park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. 'Lead us not
into temptation.'"

Today's hUMOR

"Teenaged Daughter Owner's Manual"

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because they don't like using the same kind of soap their mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and like he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you.

Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for goodness sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

"At the awards show, the movie star's new and outrageous hairdo became the mane attraction."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? "

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"To be nobody-but-myself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."
~ E.E. Cummings (In "Selected Letters," 1955)

Today's hUMOR

Bakery Robbery

My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a
gunman burst in and demanded all the cash.

As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of
coins in the back of the register.

"Do you want the rolls too?" she asked.

"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."

*****
Grocery Math

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton
and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied,
"One."
*****.
Toilet Seat

I bought a great new toilet seat recently. On the label was a
suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."

Today's hUMOR

"Morning Kiss"

A farmer and his wife had just awakened one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"

"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that? "

The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

*****

CleanPun

"Once the new hive was done the bees had a house swarming party."

 *****

CleanPun

"Once the new hive was done the bees had a house swarming party."

 *****

CleanQuote

"Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing. It's when you've had everything to do, and you've done it."
~Margaret Thatcher

*****

As my grandfather was always dropping pearls on me. One of
the gems he gave me was, "TZ, marry a woman with small
hands. It makes your dick look bigger."  But the one that
just popped into my head is, "TZ, getting old ain't for
pussies." And lately, as I feel the effects of 47 years of
crawling around on this dirt, I've come to appreciate his
wisdom.

I've been suspecting that I'm getting old, but something
just happened to prove it. I walked into the office,
sarcastically thanked our tri-athlete IT guy for the donuts
he brought in, told the other IT guy that we were going to
nail him to a cross for a mistake he made causing the email
system to send duplicate order confirmation emails out to
a bunch of our customers, then told the head of customer
service that I would bang her for two hours to make up for
the extra telephone calls the IT guy's mistake caused. No,
that's not what made me feel old. That's all just part of a
normal day.

What made me feel old is when I sat down into my chair I sat
on my own balls.

Jumpingly,

TZ

*****

Today's hUMOR

"Best 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies"

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

**********

"Accountancy Exam"

Dewey wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of pop and then I give you another two bottles of pop, how many bottles of pop have you got?
Dewey: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Dewey: I've already got one rabbit at home!

**********

CleanPun

Two horses were galloping along when one stumbled and landed on its side.

After a number of tries the tumbled equine finally regained his footing, but when he tried to run to catch up to his buddy he found he couldn't even trot.

Calling after his friend he neighed, "I've fallen and I can't giddy-up!"

**********

One Liner

"I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone 'hands free' - now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive."

**********

CleanQuote

"What if God is asking us for a sign?"

Today's hUMOR

Dress the Part

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress
the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.

"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"

"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive
$500 cars."

**********
Taxi Driver

Bernard Lind was retired, but took odd jobs to make a
little extra money. One of his jobs was a taxi driver.

The cab company had a sign posted in all their cars
saying, "Your driver is: ______"

Bernie always got a kick out of watching his rider's
reactions when they read, "Your driver is: B.LIND."

**********
Humor in Uniform

When my best friend, James, came home on his first Army
leave, my little brother asked him what he did in the
service. "I do calisthenics, shoot guns, and follow orders,"
James replied.

Walking in town that day, James and I ran into a buddy who
also asked him what he did in the Army. James gave the same
reply: "I do calisthenics, shoot guns, and follow orders."

A while later, we met a former classmate, an attractive
woman, and she asked the same question. This time, James
said, "I'm studying communications, learning foreign
languages, and traveling around the world."

Today's hUMOR

"Church Bulletin Bloopers"

The following have all genuinely appeared in church bulletins!

* Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.

* Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale; it is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang, 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

* The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Carbohydrates: The stuff that makes food taste good."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"Let the power of love replace the love of power."

Todays hUMOR

Feeding the Baby

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns
to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his
head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't
you pretend I'm not at home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my
husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for
lunch?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
In the Bathroom

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother
thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about
every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet
seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his
right hand.

His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in there for a while."

Billy says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone yet."

Mother says, "Okay, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but
Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says, "Works for ketchup!"

XXXXXxXXXXXXXXXXXX
Flight Engineer in Panama

As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for
several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since
I began my air force flying career, my mother has been
concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from
her expressing her anxiety.

But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words:
"KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM."

Today's hUMOR

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The
wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now."
Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his
wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said.

"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so I'll write it
down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the
gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and
eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down
because you forgot the toast."

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"Open Microphone"

While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."

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CleanPun

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

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One Liner

“It must be tough going through life with a short - hey look, there goes a butterfly!”

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CleanQuote

"He who dies with the most toys is still dead."

Today's hUMOR

"Morning Run"

The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run."

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."

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Two Keys Hang

Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.

Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."

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One Liner

Why should I learn algebra? I have no intention of ever going there.

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CleanQuote

"Worry is the darkroom in which negatives are developed."

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Today's Illustration - "Psalm 23 Summary"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.

A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."

She bowed again and went and sat down.

That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.

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Todays hUMOR

"The Mayor's Burden"

One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law's political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer.

The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey, do you know who I am?"

The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor's office. "Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that his brother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name."

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CleanPun

A store detective is a counter spy.

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One Liner

“All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power

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CleanQuote

“Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.”

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Today's hUMOR

Dog Report

Craig's two kids are in the same class at school, and the teacher had
the class write reports about their pets. After the reports were all
turned in, the teacher called one of the youngsters up to her desk
and scolded him.

"This report on 'My Dog' is exactly, word for word, the same as your
brother's. Did you copy from him?"

He replies, "No Ma'am. It's about the same dog."

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Poisoned Apple

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White and
The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen
appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and
my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a
bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground
unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter
spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

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Feeding the Baby

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some
strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere,
especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring
into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on
another."