Today's hUMOR

Down South Bumper Stickers

- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.

- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

- I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

- So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

- I'm just driving this way to tork you off.

- Keep honking, I'm reloading.

***********************************
ID Required

My friend Bev and her husband were fixing their roof.
As soon as they started, they realized they needed more
supplies, so Bev grabbed the checkbook, jumped into her
car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest lumberyard.

After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the
cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo
ID." the clerk said.

"I don't have one on me," Bev replied.

The cashier called over the manager who examined the check.
Then the manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon
lady in your town?"

Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson."

"I think you can take her check," the smiling manager said
to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother."

*******************************
George Washington

Few people realize that George Washington was originally
from Texas -- West Texas, to be exact. The family had a lone
mesquite tree in their yard. One day George cut it down.
When his father came home, he saw the tree was cut down and
asked George if he had cut down the lone mesquite tree.
George said, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. I cut down the
mesquite tree."

Whereupon, his father called out to Mrs. Washington, "Get
packed, dear. We are moving to Virginia. George is never
going to make it in Texas if he can't tell a lie."

Today's hUMOR

"Largest Amphibious Assault"

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"

Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

CleanPun

“If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

One Liner

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.”

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Today's hUMOR

"Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce
traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption
laws?" -Jay Leno

                            ***

"The number of shark attacks around the world increased by
25 percent. With the economy like it is, more and more
sharks are turning to crime." -Jimmy Kimmel

                            ***

"The whole world has Justin Bieber fever. It's what happens
whenever a pop frenzy becomes a disease. There was also
Beatle Mania, the Miley Cyrus Virus, and the Hasselhoff
Cough." -Craig Ferguson
*********************
Barbecue Forks

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights
flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where
we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They
glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.....

We were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

Today's hUMOR

"Signs You Need a New Pizza Place"

~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.

~ The delivery kid is packing.

~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.

~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.

~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"

~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.

~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.

~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hot-Line.

~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."

~ Their slogan is, "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."

~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.

~ Your order of bread sticks is simply the uneaten crust from old pizza slices.

~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

CleanPun

I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.

"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.

"Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

One Liner

A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

CleanQuote

“The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.”

Today's hUMOR

Illegal Hookup

In my work for a cable TV company, I frequently encounter
illegal hookups. One day I arrived at a repair job just
as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed
the way where the TV was located and then walked out to get
her groceries and the mail.

I noticed that there was a note on the TV:
"Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes.
Love, Steve."
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

City Fisherman

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a
small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his
tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man
rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice
the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the
surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them
into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give
you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked,
"By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

Today's hUMOR

"Dog Barking Payback"

A wife and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the next door backyard barking for hours and hours.

The husband jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and goes downstairs.

The husband finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "Honey, the dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

The husband says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"The Politician Dance"

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."

Today's hUMOR

2nd Grade Math

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was
learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a
group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured
were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The
correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things
contain too much cholesterol."


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"In the Fitting Room"

My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."

A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Modern Banking

We are all used to the conveniences of a modern bank.

While there have been money lenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a relatively new phenomenon. Molan Cache is usually considered the man who developed modern banking as we know it today. He enlisted the aid of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor of King Charles II. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to finance this new experiment in banking.

So really, credit should go to a Czech king, a count and Cache.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

One Liner

“Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - today it's called golf.”

CleanQuote

"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."
~ Alfred Adler

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Prison Sign Fail"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Seen on a sign outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York:

"The Dannemora fire department reminds you it's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan."

Todays hUMOR

"Insurance Check and Double Take"

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn.

“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”

“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

“Should vegetarians attend meetings?”

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

One Liner

“When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.”

 zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

CleanQuote

“Success is a great deodorant.”
~Elizabeth Taylor

hUMOR For Today

The wife has been nagging me about a vacation this year.

"What are you talking about," I argued. "We just went skiing
in Colorado a few months ago!"

"Five of us crammed into an $80-a-night motel for four
nights so we can freeze our butts off eight hours a day on
some mountain is not my idea of an ideal vacation. Me and
the kids want to go someplace warm!"

"That's gratitude for you," I said.

"You want to see gratitude," she answered with that special
look in her eye, "get me to a warm, sunny beach for a week
and I'll show you gratitude."

So now I've been trying to figure out some room in the budget
for another trip this spring. If I get the wife relaxed enough
who knows? I might even get anal.

Fortunately for me the travel industry has been barking for
business because of the recession. So there are some incredible
deals out there right now.

I belong to the Dunhill Vacations Travel Deals newsletter and
they always have great deals on airfare, hotels and resort
packages. If you're in the same boat I am you should subscribe.
It's free and if you're lucky...you might even get some too.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

GPS

Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my
first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said
not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me
into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice
stated, "Lost satellite contact."

I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said,
"Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."

Todays hUMOR

"Address Change"

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CleanPun

“A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession.”

xxxxxxxxxxxzzzz

One Liner

“Why do they have ear piercing while you wait; is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CleanQuote

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Illustration - "Behavior Modification Reinforcers"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”

Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”

“Lollipops,” was the reply

Today's hUMOR

Baggage Problem

The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly
overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that
he would have to check the over-sized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem!"

She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have
this problem either."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Grandchildren?

I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday
announcement posted on the bulletin board:

"All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party.
All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from
Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."

How to Handle Telemarketers

How to Handle Telemarketers

(1) Three Little Words That Work! The three little words
are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off
(instead of hanging up immediately) would make each
telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler
room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's
"beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and
hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its
task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone
soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one
on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes
phone calls and records the time of day when a person
answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for
a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no
one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on
the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This
confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your
number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have
your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill,
return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending
companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for
everything from credit cards to second mortgages and similar
type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes,
right? It costs them more than the regular 44 cents postage
"IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage
was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is
according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of
some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little
postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American
Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get
anything else that day, then just send them their blank
application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name
isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to
just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 44 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a
lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need
to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get
lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it
twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are
saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits,
and that's why they need to increase postage costs again.
You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work. I have
been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail
anymore.

Ice Cream

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The
wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now."
Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his
wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said.

"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so I'll write it
down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the
gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and
eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down
because you forgot the toast."

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Bloopers in the Media"

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CleanPun

“Forbidden fruits create many jams.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One Liner

“In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on and this person must be fired.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CleanQuote

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
~Joseph Heller

A Little hUMOR, Very Little

CleanPun

“Match makers like to strike up a light conversation.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Cure For Lateness"

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CleanQuote

“Some traditions are really just chores given to you by dead people.”

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Illustration - "Aging Gracefully"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or politely I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset. She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to buzz off.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnston

"Haven't I seen your face before?

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking
down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave
your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Plane Reservations

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that
departs from an equally small airport.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not
surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage
and passengers."

Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

Enjoy

CleanPun

“People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that just makes me sick.” ~Paul Larson

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One Liner

“Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly ... on a broomstick; we're flexible like that.”

---

Today's CleanQuote

“You don't stop playing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop playing.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A married couple checked in at the Korean Air counter to pick up their tickets. As the smiling Korean woman processed their tickets, the wife asked, "Are these good seats?"

"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."

Today's Illustration - "Good Company"

"Jeep Stuck"

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Jeep Stuck"

During training exercises, the green lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road.

He encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

"Dangerous Criminal"

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Dangerous Criminal"

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

It’s winter in Minnesota

It’s winter in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow 

Seventy miles an hour 

At thirty-five below. 

Oh, how I  love Minnesota 
When the  snow's up to your butt
You take a  breath of winter
And your  nose gets frozen  shut. 

Yes, the weather here is wonderful 
So I guess I’ll hang around
I could never leave Minnesota

‘Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!