Todays hUMOR

"Address Change"

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CleanPun

“A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession.”

xxxxxxxxxxxzzzz

One Liner

“Why do they have ear piercing while you wait; is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CleanQuote

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Illustration - "Behavior Modification Reinforcers"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”

Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”

“Lollipops,” was the reply

Today's hUMOR

Baggage Problem

The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly
overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that
he would have to check the over-sized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem!"

She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have
this problem either."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Grandchildren?

I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday
announcement posted on the bulletin board:

"All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party.
All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from
Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."

How to Handle Telemarketers

How to Handle Telemarketers

(1) Three Little Words That Work! The three little words
are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off
(instead of hanging up immediately) would make each
telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler
room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's
"beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and
hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its
task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone
soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one
on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes
phone calls and records the time of day when a person
answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for
a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no
one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on
the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This
confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your
number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have
your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill,
return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending
companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for
everything from credit cards to second mortgages and similar
type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes,
right? It costs them more than the regular 44 cents postage
"IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage
was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is
according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of
some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little
postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American
Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get
anything else that day, then just send them their blank
application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name
isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to
just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 44 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a
lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need
to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get
lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it
twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are
saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits,
and that's why they need to increase postage costs again.
You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work. I have
been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail
anymore.

Ice Cream

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The
wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now."
Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his
wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said.

"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so I'll write it
down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the
gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and
eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down
because you forgot the toast."

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Bloopers in the Media"

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CleanPun

“Forbidden fruits create many jams.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One Liner

“In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on and this person must be fired.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CleanQuote

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
~Joseph Heller

A Little hUMOR, Very Little

CleanPun

“Match makers like to strike up a light conversation.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Cure For Lateness"

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CleanQuote

“Some traditions are really just chores given to you by dead people.”

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Illustration - "Aging Gracefully"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or politely I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset. She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to buzz off.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnston

"Haven't I seen your face before?

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking
down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave
your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Plane Reservations

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that
departs from an equally small airport.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not
surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage
and passengers."

Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

Enjoy

CleanPun

“People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that just makes me sick.” ~Paul Larson

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One Liner

“Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly ... on a broomstick; we're flexible like that.”

---

Today's CleanQuote

“You don't stop playing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop playing.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A married couple checked in at the Korean Air counter to pick up their tickets. As the smiling Korean woman processed their tickets, the wife asked, "Are these good seats?"

"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."

Today's Illustration - "Good Company"

"Jeep Stuck"

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Jeep Stuck"

During training exercises, the green lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road.

He encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

"Dangerous Criminal"

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Dangerous Criminal"

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

It’s winter in Minnesota

It’s winter in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow 

Seventy miles an hour 

At thirty-five below. 

Oh, how I  love Minnesota 
When the  snow's up to your butt
You take a  breath of winter
And your  nose gets frozen  shut. 

Yes, the weather here is wonderful 
So I guess I’ll hang around
I could never leave Minnesota

‘Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!

Fogo de Chao.

It was the girlfriend's birthday this weekend so I took her
downtown to a place called Fogo de Chao.

It is best described as a Brazilian steak house. At least,
that's how they describe themselves. What it is, basically,
is a giant all-you-can-wrestle-down-your-throat barbecue
with linen tablecloths.

They offer a variety of about twelve different types of
meat, all of which are speared on giant skewers and flame
roasted. But they don't bother taking the meat off of the
spits in order to serve it. The dining room is stalked by
a half dozen servers at a time, each one carrying a three-
foot long skewer loaded with meat which they bring right
up to your table and carve off generous sized samples for
you.

How it works is, each diner is equipped with a cardboard
disc, exactly like a drink coaster, which you keep on the
table in front of you. One side is red and the other side
is green. Red means 'stop,' and when that side is flipped
up the severs ignore you. When you are ready for meat you
flip the coaster to green.

Green sends the servers into swarm mode. Somehow they see
it from across the room and sprint over to your table
waving a three-foot skewer full of meat like maniacs and
try to carve half of it off onto your plate. You have to
practically beat them off with bread rolls.

The worst part is waiting for the guy with the type of meat
you want to try. I was desperate to try the spicy pork
sausages and the bacon-wrapped filet mignon, but I kept
being accosted by servers with everything but those two
selections.

A guy came by with about six pounds of top sirloin who didn't
seem to want to take no for an answer. He kept asking me,
"Are you sure? Just a little sample? Is very gooood!"

So I told him I would take just a bite-sized sample, where
upon he carved off about 12 ounces onto my plate.

I was trying to save my appetite for the sausages and the
bacon-wrapped filet mignon, but now I felt obligated to eat
the sirloin. Since I still wanted the sausages and the filet
I left the card on green and had to fend off a succession of
determined servers.

I turned away the pork loin guy (but only on his second lap),
the bottom sirloin guy, parmesan-encrusted pork guy, the
bacon-wrapped chicken breast guy and the top sirloin guy
again, who seemed to take personal offense that I hadn't
eaten the gargantuan portion he originally gave me in four
bites.

It was worth the wait, however, because when I finally got
them, both the filet and the sausage were extraordinary.

My date, however, was overly cautious with her coaster,
leaving it on red most of the meal. I guess she didn't want
to seem greedy. So I snuck as much from the mountain of food
on my plate to hers as I could manage. I felt obligated to
force her to try at least a bite full of everything on the
menu.

I don't have the space to go into the ridiculously huge salad
bar or the delicious appetizers or the million dollar a glass
wine, but suffice it to say most everything was excellent.

If you ever find yourself in downtown Chicago with a huge
appetite and plenty of money to spend I can recommend it.

Laugh it up,

Joe

hUMOR For Oct 31st

THIS IS THE LAST POST FROM MY hUMOR blogg.
I HOPE IT HAS BROUGHT A FEW LAUGHS YOUR WAY. - Have a good un,

"I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?'" --Bill Maher "Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out on the ice and skate around reporters' questions, so it should be interesting." --Jay Leno "Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict." --David Letterman "A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'" --Conan O'Brien "Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary." --Bill Maher "Before lawmakers in Alaska released their report on this troopergate scandal, Sarah Palin's campaign released the results of their own campaign clearing her of any wrongdoing. Thank God we cleared that up. Actually, I think it's legitimate, because apparently Palin can see the courthouse from her front porch, so obviously she's a lawyer." --Jay Leno "You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Mentalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey." --David Letterman "Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president." --Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Swallowing Quarters
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Catch a Thief
The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may indeed be true. But these days there's a 3rd thief involved pleading the case -- the lawyer.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Math Prof
"That math prof's marriage is falling apart!" "No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Flee The City

A mother was reading a Bible story to her young daughter. She read "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt".
Her daughter asked "What happened to the flea?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Computer One Liners - Part 2"
Computer One Liners - Part 2
ISDN: I Still Don't kNow
ISDN: Idiot Services you Don't Need
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
My computer NEVER cras@#%^TU*NO CARRIER
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce.
Network: anything reticulated or decussated at equal intervals, with interstices between the intersections.
Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor
Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K.
Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes wr[}-_+=~'{?>.(#$%{!`'?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner
"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Weddings"
"When you walk down the aisle don't look grim."Said the preacher. "We'll then sing a hymn.When I stand by the alterThe groom must not falter.""Ahh yes," said the bride, "Aisle, alter, hymn."- Gill Krebs

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally,
one of them jumped up and yelled at the other ,"What about
the powerful interest that controls you?"

And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of
this!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My friend read her son's horoscope and thought it quite
appropriate. "You've spent the last few weeks looking for
escape," it said. "But now it's time to get on with your
life."

She had just given birth to him that morning.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Writing: For the Sell of It was the theme of our community
college's annual writers' conference. When I called a widely
published author and asked him to be our keynote speaker,
my request was met with a long silence. He finally said, "I
don't know what I would say to that audience."

"You're just being modest," I replied. "I'm sure you're ex-
tremely qualified to speak on that subject."

He suddenly broke into laughter. "I thought you said,
'Writing for the Celibate!'"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Extra OneThe place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent directly to the homes of the various VIP's.The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it."I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone.""Did you put the battery in the phone?""Not the extra one.""Sir, the phone only came with one battery."(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Clerk Silence”
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks,
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself:
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times:
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk,
"Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers. . .
"D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Car Problems

Jill's car was unreliable, and she called John for a ride
every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one
of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

"It's right here, with me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Monks
There was this guy who fell from an airplane and landed in a strange place. He was badly hurt and a couple of monks came and rescued him. And the Monks told the man to be careful because they were not going to save him again. The guy said okay then spent the night at the Monk's place. Later that night he heard an annoying loud banging and scratching sound that almost sounding like moaning. It was really loud. The next day he went back to the Monk's place and asked if they knew what the sound was. The Monk's Leader told the guy that he would have to be a monk to find out. The guy asked what it would take to be a monk. So the Monks told him that he would have to be there for eight years and pass a test. So this guy stayed for eight years and finally passed the text. The guy asked again what that noise was he heard for so many years ago. The Monks agreed to tell him and told him to follow them. The guy was really happy because he lost a lot of sleep over that sound. He could sleep for years thinking about that noise that sounding almost like a heart beating. The Monks walked up to some big, huge doors and the noise kept getting louder and louder. So, loud that the Monks and the Guy couldn't hear each other. Do you want to know what was behind the doors? I can't tell you! You're not a Monk!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Now Boarding
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.'

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ge Me Out of Here
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Signs you spend too much time with your e-mail
Your children are named Outlook, Thunderbird and dotcom. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment. You find yourself typing "com" after every period, when using a word processor. COM You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it.

hUMOR For Oct 30th

Pencil
Knock, knock Who's there? You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil? You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Smart Salesman
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?" Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!" The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00? Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!" The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much". Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes awful!" "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Women's IntuitionAlso known as 'woman's intuition', this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's life almost better than he does.Why is this?In the early 90's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces.That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the shower!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Hair Loss
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Four Thirds
The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..." The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!" "Well - just take a larger pot!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Bride
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Classes for Men
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each. Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation. Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion. Topic 3 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics. Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video. Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups. Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum. Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape. Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life estimonials. Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation. Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing. Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Math Quiz
Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?" Student: "It's 42!" Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?" Same student: "It's 24!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Things Luke Did Between ESB and ROTJ
1. Spent a lot of time in the gymnastics facilities working on those AMAZING back flips, etc... 2. Played "Itsy Bitsy Spider" trying to get his fingers to work again 3. One word: Whined 4. Spent days, and days, and days trying to figure out why his mom married a walking toaster. 5. Played "Ding, Dong, Ditch" with doorways on board the Medical Frigate to practice his Force skills until they kicked him out. 6. Learned to shoot baskets again.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The man who lost his ear
There where 2 men in a bulding site. 1 of them said "can you help me find my ear" The other man said "is this it" The other man said "no, mine has got a pencil behind it"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"A new study says that obese people can lose weight if they
walk 12 miles per week. As a result Applebee's is intro-
ducing a new 12 mile long buffet." --Conan O'Brien

***

"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and
it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of
interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They
have raised the limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion.
It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting
an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to
K. Then your F looks like a C." --Jon Stewart

***

"I don't even know why I try anymore. My date last night
was very embarrassing. After dinner, she went around the
bar handing out her card." -Dave Letterman

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.
One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag
a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting
work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and
they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders
and get a better view of their wives working.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ulti-
mately led to television...and later to the remote control.
--Dave Berry

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and
instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.

The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden
block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.

Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the
hospital and goes.... "Taa-Daa!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Stop vs. Slow Down

Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas ....

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the
deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain
that he has a better education then any cop from Houston,
Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun
at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy says," License and
registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the
stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was
coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy.
"License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's
the law. License and registration, please!" the deputy says.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me
go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the
deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out a squirt
gun and starts spraying the lawyer all over his face. He
then asks, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

hUMOR For Oct 29th

If A Dog Were Your Teacher
If a dog were your teacher you would learn stuff like... - When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. - Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. - Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. - When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience. - Let others know when they've invaded your territory. - Take naps and stretch before rising. - Run, romp, and play daily. - Thrive on attention and let people touch you. - Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do. - On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. - On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. - When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. - No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. - Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. - Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. - Be loyal. - Never pretend to be something you're not. - If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. - When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Accountability Partner

A man was walking through the grounds of a university one morning when he noticed a young blind woman struggling with her guide-dog. The animal was resolutely pulling in one direction, she in another.
When he offered assistance, the woman replied, "No thanks, this is a family argument. The dog knows I'm supposed to go to a lecture right now -- but I want to miss it."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Political Quotes"
"I resent your insinuendoes."
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."
"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
"Let's do this in one foul swoop."
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote
"An election is coming. Universal peace is declared and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry."- T.S. Eliot

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "Kindness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?"
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his handout of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired.
Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely.
The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.
The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.
When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies -- her tip.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Newborn UtteranceThe birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.Instead he asked, "What did we decide to call her again?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"If you want to stay healthy... there was this guy in Hong
Kong, 107-year-old guy in Hong Kong. He attributes his
longevity to abstaining from sex since he was 30. Man, I'm
gonna live a long, long time." -Craig Ferguson

***

"Some insurance companies won't pay for Viagra unless men
can prove that they're impotent. Which means that you are
at a disadvantage if you have a really hot pharmacist."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China
and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your
homework. People in India and China are starving for your
job.'" --Thomas Friedman

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a
new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop. What's the first
thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared
for traffic.

"What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's
prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little
boy wants? A gun--he's prepared for traffic." --Jason Chase

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's
getting a little up there. She's at the age where she
doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said,
"Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Paul Newman

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small
new England town where Paul Newman and his family often
visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long
walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat
herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped
in the car, drove to the center of the village, and went
straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman,
sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact
with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded
graciously, and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull
yourself together! she chided herself. You're a happily
married woman with three children; you're forty-five years
old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order, and she
took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and
her change in the other. Then she went out the door,
avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she
reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of
change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream
cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she
went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or
in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone
was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul
Newman.

His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he
said to the woman: "You put it in your purse."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Obedience School
During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking. One said to the other. "The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Guru's Dentist
Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Guru's Dentist
Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

hUMOR For Oct 28th

Dog Newspaper
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replies, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Things to Do When Your ISP Is Down
1. Dial 911 immediately. 2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years. 3. You mean there's something else to do? 4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote. 5. Work. 6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family. 7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Accident
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Escape Ape

One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo as well as the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other was The Origin of the Species, by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Revised Wall Street Terms

BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry BROKER - What my broker has made me. BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer. FINANCIAL PLANNER - A person whose phone has been disconnected. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past week investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks. P/E RATIO -The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell. VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower. WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Intelligent Life?

Two aliens out in space were looking down on our planet.The first alien said, “It seems the dominant life-forms on Earth have developed satellite-based weapons.”The second alien asked, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”“I don't think so,” the first responded. “They have the weapons aimed at themselves.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Did you hear about this? This is one of those only in
California stories - elementary school students in Berkeley
are receiving a class credit for 'lunch.' Since they learn
about nutrition, lunch is now considered a class. See, that's
when you know we're getting too fat in this country, when
students are actually majoring in lunch!" --Jay Leno

***

"I was watching the movie '300' yesterday. The ancient Greek
stories are strange. The story of Odysseus is basically the
story of a long, hellish commute; and along the way, a sor-
ceress turns Odysseus' friends into pigs... which is not
really magic if you've ever been to a high school reunion."
-Craig Ferguson

***

"McDonald's is trying to compete with Starbuck's, so they're
going to start serving lattes and cappuccinos. McDonald's
say both drinks go great with their new vente hazelnut
McRib." -Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter
of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to
date?"

Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside,
put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me
so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that
sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I
love her very much. If you were thinking about touching,
kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any
way, just remember...I don't mind going back to prison."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long
and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our
beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later,
in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in
his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter
something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide
to call her again?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Phonetic Problem

Many hymnals have a hymn called "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."

It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing
the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would
come just before the sermon. He replied with the
above-mentioned hymn.

The following Sunday the bulletin read:

Hymn No. 134: "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every engineer knows:Power = Work / Time Since:Knowledge = PowerTime = Money It follows that:Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get:Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know,the more you make.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Telephone Conversation
"Hello" "Hello" "Is that you, Larry?" "Yes, this is Larry." "Are you sure this is Larry." "Yes I'm sure, this is Larry !" "This is Pete... can you lend me twenty dollars ?" "I'll tell Larry when he comes in."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Smoking Power Supply
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem. Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply. Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this. Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem. Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS. [After a few minutes of going round and round] Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer. [Customer does this] Customer: It is still smoking. Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE. [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!] Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer? Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost.

hUMOR For Oct 27th

Birthday Gift

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the
clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife's
birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a
cruise."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

What's in a Name?
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Who's Counting
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing. She's just having contractions."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Who's Counting
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Raised Heart Rate

As a younger man, I was in great shape. As an airline pilot, I was required to have a Flight physical every six months.
The nurse took the basic data, weight, height, and blood pressure. My pressure was good, but the heart rate was below 40 beats per minute.
"I cannot put that number down. You'll be denied a physical," she said.
"What can I do?" I replied.
She held my hand and winked, saying, "Just think about me for a minute!"
Retaking my blood pressure and heart rate, she stated, "53 will be OK, but you really know how to hurt a girl's feelings!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Family Dinner"
Family dinner was an enjoyable weekly ritual for us. Although my Mother was in her late 80's she certainly still had the ability to clearly say what was on her mind.
This was the first dinner on my sister's beautiful new dining room furniture. As we all sat enjoying good food and conversation Mom kept squirming in her chair. Finally, my sister asked, "Are you alright? Are you uncomfortable?"
Without looking up from her dinner Mom replied, "No, the chair is."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner
"Today I went to buy a toaster and was given a bank as a free gift."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "No Eve"
"No, Eve, I won't touch that apple," said Tom adamantly.- Richard Lederer

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Gruelling Cross Examinations”
Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
Witness: The young lady is pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.
<><><><><>
Attorney: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I'll be three months on November 8.
Attorney: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: What were you doing at that time?
<><><><><>
Attorney: Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, sir.
Attorney: And did you take your new wife?
<><><><><>
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
<><><><><>
Attorney: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs, did they go up also?
<><><><><>
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
<><><><><>
Attorney: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Attorney: Were you present when that picture was taken?
<><><><><>
Attorney: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
<><><><><>
Attorney: So you were gone until you returned?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Shhh!On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate. The man said something; and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. Then he signed, very small and slowly: "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than
others." --Henry Youngman

***

"Love is only a dirty trick played on us to assure the con-
tinuation of the species." -Somerset Maugham

***

"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be
an affront to your intelligence." --George Bernard Shaw

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Coming out of the supermarket the other day, I saw a scary
sight. As a woman loaded groceries into her trunk, her
shopping cart began to roll away. The scary part? It was
heading straight for my car.

She ran after it, but was too late...the cart slammed into
my driver's side door. "How bad's the damage?" I called out,
running toward her.

"Bad," she said, gathering her groceries. "I broke at least
a dozen eggs."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from
the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of
two sandwiches was better.

The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first
sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical
look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are
they both listed with the same price on the menu?"

To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to
the turkey."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News
Woman treated after bat corpse coffee
DES MOINES, Iowa (UPI) -- The Iowa Department of Public health said a woman found a dead bat in her coffee filter after she had been drinking the beverage. The department said the woman, who was from the eastern part of the state, made her coffee in the evening and then drank it the next morning, The (Cedar Rapids, Iowa) Gazette reported. The woman told officials that when she went to change the filter that evening, she found the dead bat inside. Ann Garvey, a veterinarian with the department, said the woman underwent treatment for rabies after the bat corpse's brain was found by the University Hygienic Laboratory in Oakdale, Calif., to have been too cooked by the coffee maker for rabies testing.
///
Venomous snake seized from woman's home
CROWN POINT, Ind. (UPI) -- Indiana wildlife officials said they have seized a venomous 5-foot Egyptian cobra from a Crown Point, Ind., woman's home. Conservation Officer Shawn Brown of the Indiana Department of Natural Resources said Elizabeth Zelms was issued a summons on a charge of possessing a venomous reptile without a permit after the snake was removed from her home, The Northwest Indiana Times of Hammond, Ind., reported. Brown said state officials learned of Zelms's snake after she applied for a permit with the Department of Natural Resources. He said she told officials she rescued the cobra from someone who wasn't taking proper care of it. "The law says you have a permit beforehand," Brown said. "That's a dangerous reptile. It's not something to mess around with."

hUMOR For Oct 26th

After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his Home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating Properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom Told her.

"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything Like that!"

"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.

Opening the refrigerator door, He waved his hand at a row
of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Combination Prayer

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that
was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know
the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.

Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised
his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun
the dial and opened the lock.

Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith,
he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the
ceiling."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

For Trade
For Trade: One 16 year old who knows everything. Except: How to cook.How to clean.How to manage money.How to wipe up spilled water.How to drive.How to write a check.How to answer a phone.How to do math.How to be polite.How gas is paid for.How cell phone bills are paid.How to work the can opener.How to sweep, dust or vacuum.How to make a bed.How to do laundry.How dictatorships work.How to stop talking.How to get a job.How important it is to finish high school.How the world actually works. She can text. And she can argue. What else does she *possibly* need to know in life?? I’d like to trade her in. For a puppy.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cat Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep.I pray for toys that look like mice,And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,And someone nice to scratch my back,For windowsills all warm and bright,For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real coolAnd keep the secret feline ruleTo never tell a human thatThe world is really ruled by cats!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Soap and Water
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied,"They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

How to Make a Puppy Pie
Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered, then add the following ingredients. 1 cup patience1 cup understanding1 pinch correction1 cup hard work2 cups praise and 1 1/2 cups fun Blend well. Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has doubled in size. Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and puppy are one. Enjoy!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

That's not right. - Sum Ting Wong.
Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me as soon as possible. - Kum Hia Nao.
Stupid Man. - Dum Gai.
Small Horse. - Tai Ni Po Ni.
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni.
I think you need a face lift. - Chin Tu Fat.
It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet. - Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King.
You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum.
I got this for free. - Ai No Pei.
Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?
Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo.
He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Shing Ka.
Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Computer Instructions

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Pants Dilemma"
A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote
"Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?"- Robert Orben

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "Time" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Building PermitA Zoning Board had just been set up in a new community. A householder went to the office to request permission to build a small toolshed in his backyard."Have you a plan?" asked the director."Oh, yes," said the householder, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of the shed."That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said, "Here's your permission."A month later, a neighbor in almost exactly the same situation also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to see the director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request. "Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know what the director's decision is, or what further steps are necessary.""But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got permission right away.""Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we finally got organized."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Here's a sign that people in California have too much money.
Have you heard about this? People are now doing yoga with
their dog. Yoga for dogs. Who's this for? Dogs that want to
stick their necks out the car window a little further?"
-Jay Leno

***

"A Spice Girls reunion concert may be in the works. But
Posh Spice, Scary Spice, and the others are demanding $10
million. The $10 million price tag was thought up by the
group's newest member, Delusional Spice." -Conan O'Brien

***

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when some-
one says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me
that $100 you owe me?' or 'Do you have the $50 you borrowed?'
Man, quit being so cheap! --Jack Handey

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old
son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

"No."

"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."

"Some other time; I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors
were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the
front of the house. No one was there.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either,
but our baseball is in their living room!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know,
honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this
article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves
a stumbling block to the son."

"Well, thank heaven," said the wife, "at least our James has
nothing standing in his way."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Potato Jokes

Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.

How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.

Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the
famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.

Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.

What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is
wonderful?
It's mashing!

What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry!

hUMOR For Oct 25th

Scientific Experiment
How can you drop an egg four feet without breaking it? (Drop it from five feet. It won't break during the first four feet.)

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Short Landing
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. Finally, he lands. He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the shortest runway I ever landed on." The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so wide."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Day In The Life Of A BMW Driver
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either - they’re $20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Resistor

My seven-year-old son, Nick, received a snap-together
electronic kit for Christmas. He learned that if you put a
resistor in line with the speaker, it lowers the volume from
the speaker.

During the six-hour car trip home from my parents' house,
Nick had had about enough of his five-month-old brother's
constant crying in the car. So he said, "I wish I had a
resistor in my ear!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Wayward pengiuns fly home
CASSINO BEACH, Brazil (UPI) -- Some of the hundreds of penguins that had migrated too far north on the coast of Brazil have been flown back to their feeding grounds on a military plane. The 373 young Magellanic penguins, which were among about 1,600 emaciated birds that showed up in locations hundreds of miles north of their normal feeding grounds in July, were rehabilitated by animal welfare groups before being flown 1,550 miles to the southern coast of Brazil in a Brazilian air force cargo plane, CNN reported Wednesday. About half of the wayward birds survived their ordeal. "We are overjoyed to see these penguins waddle back to the ocean and have a second chance at life," said Dr. Valeria Ruoppolo, a veterinarian with the International Fund for Animal Welfare, which coordinated the rescue. Experts said changes in currents and wind temperatures likely confused the young penguins and contributed to them wandering too far north.
///
Bored postman allegedly dumped mail
LLANDUDNO, Wales (UPI) -- Prosecutors in Llandudno, Wales, say a postal worker admitted tossing thousands of pieces of mail in the woods because he "had lost interest in his job." Adam Stuart, 22, admitted in court to two counts of delaying mail and stealing 67 postal packets after authorities said he dumped thousands of parcels near his home and opened some letters to steal club card vouchers for the Tesco grocery store chain and other items, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday. "He stated he had lost interest in his job, having not been paid for the work he had done, so he couldn't be bothered," prosecutor Dafydd Roberts said. Defense attorney Richard Williams asked for sentencing to be delayed until reports could be submitted concerning Stuart being diagnosed with dyspraxia, which he said affects his client's coordination and thinking skills. Stuart, who was released on unconditional bail, is due back in court Nov. 5.
///
Family finds 7-foot snake under car hood
SPRINGFIELD, Ohio (UPI) -- An Ohio family discovered a 7-foot-long boa constrictor under the hood of their car, officials with the Clark County Humane Society say. Ed Sisler, humane society director, said the family told staff they were warned about the snake's presence by neighbors who spotted it slithering toward the vehicle, the Dayton (Ohio) Daily News reported Wednesday. "It took the kid a substantial amount of time to untangle it from under the engine," Sisler said. Sisler said his organization is hoping the owners of the snake, which staff nicknamed "Buddy," will claim their pet. He said the reptile will be offered to educational institutions as a classroom pet if it is not claimed. "He has an excellent temperament but likes to hiss," Sisler said.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Late Arrival"
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV


VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner
"The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Pumpkin Math"
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by it's diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Baseball Quote”
At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote."
I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!"
There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"
"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."
"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."
I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Sentry DutyA new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No vehicle was to enter unless it had the proper sticker on the windshield.Now, a huge Army car came up with a General seated in the back. The sentry yelled, "Halt, who goes there?"The chauffeur, says, "General Wheeler.""I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."The General said, "Drive on!"The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving on without your sticker."The General repeated, "I'm telling you, Corporal, drive on!"The sentry walked up to the rear window with the gun at the ready and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno

***

"As kids, instead of building sandcastles, we'd make sand
sculptures of naked women. It was tricky though, cause we
didn't know what naked women looked like. I grew up in
Scotland in the 1970s. I was 24 before I saw a woman with
her coat off. I thought a cardigan was an erogenous zone."
-Craig Ferguson

***

"Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three
groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and
value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will
replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth."
--Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us
grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.

"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun,
but fuchsias thrive in the shade."

After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached
him.

"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.

Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added,
"I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."

hUMOR For Oct 24th

Jeweled Portrait
There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels. Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Bachelor's Cat
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!" In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died." After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Cake Question"
While working at Baskin-Robbins, I helped a woman, who was full of questions about the flavors and types available, pick out an ice-cream cake.
As I was boxing it up for her, she had one last question:
"How long do I bake this?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote
"The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell."- Confucius

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "Motivating Others" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
John, a neighbor of mine, was annoyed because he had to search for his newspaper each morning after the paperboy tossed it. Often he would find it, covered with dirt, under the car in the gravel driveway. Then one-day the paperboy's mother mentioned that her son's ambition was to play professional basketball. John had an idea.
When he got home, he attached a basketball hoop to a post on the front porch. Sure enough, the next morning there was a resounding "plunk" as the newspaper sailed through the hoop and landed by the door.
John never had to search for his paper again

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Foolish Marriage
After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Kitten's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep..I sleep right in the center grooveMy human cannot hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tightAnd here is where I pass the nightNo one disturbs me or dares intrudeTill morning comes and "I want food!" I sneak up slowly to beginmy nibbles on my human's chin.She wakes up quickly,I have sharp teeth And my claws I will unsheathFor the morning hereand it's time to playalways seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving meThis human person that I see.The one who hugs me and holds me tightAnd sacrifices her bed at night!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Good Answer
Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Letter
Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the deadThough I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head; I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned.I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind. For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs,If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there. And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt.Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out. I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned.I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned. And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head.I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed? Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot.I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not. So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting soreIt may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more. Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very redInstead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home.
He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went
to the door and way the priest.

He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for
God is here!"

***

"They are now reporting that the Grand Canyon is having a
financial crisis. They say there might not be enough money to
keep it going. How did the Grand Canyon make it this far?"
--Jay Leno

***

"What they put women through today when they're having a baby!
They don't want to medicate them, as compared to previous
generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication,
she didn't wake up till I was seven." --Dennis Wolfberg

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old
coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on
which I was still listed as the record holder for the
longest softball throw.

Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will
stand forever."

I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records
exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that
event years ago."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A large truck was tailing my son as he drove through town
with his girlfriend. The truck matched them turn for turn,
down every street.

My son's concern grew to alarm when the menacing-looking
driver pulled next to him at a light, leaned out his window,
and glared into his car. After a long, hard stare, the man
grinned and called to my son, "Sorry, kid, I thought that
was my daughter."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Recent Quips From Late Night
"Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations... The new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because last week, Sarah was on a class trip to New York, where she met foreign leaders... And one of the leaders she met was Zardari, and he was gushing over her. He said, oh, you're more gorgeous in person than you are on TV. And so the people in his home country of Pakistan, the Islamists, they issued a fatwa on him, for being too 'flirty.' And when Sarah today was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, 'I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'" --Bill Maher "Hey, did you all watch the vice presidential debate last night? Yeah, there was nothing embarrassing from either candidate. Damn! No, political analysts say it was a strong debate by both candidates and there were no losers, okay, other than gay people who want to get married." --Jay Leno "Anybody see the debate last night? Whoa. And they're saying that Sarah Palin actually did pretty well, and that Joe Biden avoided any verbal gaffes, and I'm thinking, well, what fun was that? That was no fun at all, for God sakes." --David Letterman "They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'" --Jay Leno "Here's some good news. The bailout plan has been passed. Here's the deal. It went from $700 billion to $800 billion. Now the reason for that, it costs the taxpayers more. If it costs the taxpayers more, the better chance that Congress will vote for it." --David Letterman "Last night's vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin drew much higher ratings than the presidential debate. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, Biden attracted viewers who enjoyed his previous debate appearances, and Palin attracted viewers who enjoyed the movie 'Fargo.'" --Conan O'Brien "Now he voted for the bailout, which of course passed. ... They say it's going to cost every man, woman and child in this country 2,300 dollars, and if everything goes perfectly, soon, your money will be blowing to the banks so they can lend it back to the U.S. at interest. The free market works, ladies and gentlemen." --Bill Maher "During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!" --David Letterman "Good news, everybody. That house you couldn't pay for? You're paying for it. The House on Friday passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law after consulting with his economic advisers, M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson" --Seth Meyers "Sarah Palin seemed genuinely happy to be there. She said she was privileged. And it was a thrill for Joe Biden too. I mean, he got to talk directly to the American people on television, just the way FDR did when the stock market crashed in 1929." --Jay Leno "During an interview with Katie Couric Tuesday, Sarah Palin says she is not opposed to gay people, adding 'One of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years happens to be gay and I love her dearly and she doesn't exist.'" --Amy Poehler