Pencil
Knock, knock Who's there? You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil? You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Smart Salesman
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?" Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!" The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00? Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!" The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much". Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes awful!" "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Women's IntuitionAlso known as 'woman's intuition', this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's life almost better than he does.Why is this?In the early 90's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces.That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the shower!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Hair Loss
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Four Thirds
The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..." The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!" "Well - just take a larger pot!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New Bride
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Classes for Men
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each. Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation. Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion. Topic 3 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics. Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video. Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups. Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum. Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape. Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life estimonials. Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation. Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing. Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Math Quiz
Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?" Student: "It's 42!" Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?" Same student: "It's 24!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Things Luke Did Between ESB and ROTJ
1. Spent a lot of time in the gymnastics facilities working on those AMAZING back flips, etc... 2. Played "Itsy Bitsy Spider" trying to get his fingers to work again 3. One word: Whined 4. Spent days, and days, and days trying to figure out why his mom married a walking toaster. 5. Played "Ding, Dong, Ditch" with doorways on board the Medical Frigate to practice his Force skills until they kicked him out. 6. Learned to shoot baskets again.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The man who lost his ear
There where 2 men in a bulding site. 1 of them said "can you help me find my ear" The other man said "is this it" The other man said "no, mine has got a pencil behind it"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"A new study says that obese people can lose weight if they
walk 12 miles per week. As a result Applebee's is intro-
ducing a new 12 mile long buffet." --Conan O'Brien
***
"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and
it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of
interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They
have raised the limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion.
It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting
an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to
K. Then your F looks like a C." --Jon Stewart
***
"I don't even know why I try anymore. My date last night
was very embarrassing. After dinner, she went around the
bar handing out her card." -Dave Letterman
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.
One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag
a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting
work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and
they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders
and get a better view of their wives working.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ulti-
mately led to television...and later to the remote control.
--Dave Berry
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and
instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden
block.
The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the
hospital and goes.... "Taa-Daa!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Stop vs. Slow Down
Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas ....
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the
deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain
that he has a better education then any cop from Houston,
Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun
at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy says," License and
registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the
stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was
coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy.
"License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's
the law. License and registration, please!" the deputy says.
The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me
go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the
deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out a squirt
gun and starts spraying the lawyer all over his face. He
then asks, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 29th
If A Dog Were Your Teacher
If a dog were your teacher you would learn stuff like... - When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. - Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. - Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. - When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience. - Let others know when they've invaded your territory. - Take naps and stretch before rising. - Run, romp, and play daily. - Thrive on attention and let people touch you. - Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do. - On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. - On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. - When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. - No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. - Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. - Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. - Be loyal. - Never pretend to be something you're not. - If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. - When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Accountability Partner
A man was walking through the grounds of a university one morning when he noticed a young blind woman struggling with her guide-dog. The animal was resolutely pulling in one direction, she in another.
When he offered assistance, the woman replied, "No thanks, this is a family argument. The dog knows I'm supposed to go to a lecture right now -- but I want to miss it."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Political Quotes"
"I resent your insinuendoes."
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."
"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
"Let's do this in one foul swoop."
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"An election is coming. Universal peace is declared and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry."- T.S. Eliot
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Kindness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?"
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his handout of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired.
Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely.
The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.
The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.
When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies -- her tip.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Newborn UtteranceThe birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.Instead he asked, "What did we decide to call her again?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"If you want to stay healthy... there was this guy in Hong
Kong, 107-year-old guy in Hong Kong. He attributes his
longevity to abstaining from sex since he was 30. Man, I'm
gonna live a long, long time." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Some insurance companies won't pay for Viagra unless men
can prove that they're impotent. Which means that you are
at a disadvantage if you have a really hot pharmacist."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China
and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your
homework. People in India and China are starving for your
job.'" --Thomas Friedman
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a
new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop. What's the first
thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared
for traffic.
"What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's
prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little
boy wants? A gun--he's prepared for traffic." --Jason Chase
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's
getting a little up there. She's at the age where she
doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said,
"Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Paul Newman
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small
new England town where Paul Newman and his family often
visited.
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long
walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat
herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped
in the car, drove to the center of the village, and went
straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman,
sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact
with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded
graciously, and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull
yourself together! she chided herself. You're a happily
married woman with three children; you're forty-five years
old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order, and she
took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and
her change in the other. Then she went out the door,
avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she
reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of
change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream
cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she
went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or
in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone
was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul
Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he
said to the woman: "You put it in your purse."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Obedience School
During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking. One said to the other. "The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Guru's Dentist
Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Guru's Dentist
Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
If a dog were your teacher you would learn stuff like... - When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. - Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. - Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. - When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience. - Let others know when they've invaded your territory. - Take naps and stretch before rising. - Run, romp, and play daily. - Thrive on attention and let people touch you. - Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do. - On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. - On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. - When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. - No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. - Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. - Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. - Be loyal. - Never pretend to be something you're not. - If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. - When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Accountability Partner
A man was walking through the grounds of a university one morning when he noticed a young blind woman struggling with her guide-dog. The animal was resolutely pulling in one direction, she in another.
When he offered assistance, the woman replied, "No thanks, this is a family argument. The dog knows I'm supposed to go to a lecture right now -- but I want to miss it."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Political Quotes"
"I resent your insinuendoes."
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."
"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
"Let's do this in one foul swoop."
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"An election is coming. Universal peace is declared and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry."- T.S. Eliot
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Kindness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?"
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his handout of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired.
Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely.
The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.
The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.
When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies -- her tip.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Newborn UtteranceThe birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.Instead he asked, "What did we decide to call her again?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"If you want to stay healthy... there was this guy in Hong
Kong, 107-year-old guy in Hong Kong. He attributes his
longevity to abstaining from sex since he was 30. Man, I'm
gonna live a long, long time." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Some insurance companies won't pay for Viagra unless men
can prove that they're impotent. Which means that you are
at a disadvantage if you have a really hot pharmacist."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China
and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your
homework. People in India and China are starving for your
job.'" --Thomas Friedman
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a
new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop. What's the first
thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared
for traffic.
"What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's
prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little
boy wants? A gun--he's prepared for traffic." --Jason Chase
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's
getting a little up there. She's at the age where she
doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said,
"Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Paul Newman
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small
new England town where Paul Newman and his family often
visited.
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long
walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat
herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped
in the car, drove to the center of the village, and went
straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman,
sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact
with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded
graciously, and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull
yourself together! she chided herself. You're a happily
married woman with three children; you're forty-five years
old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order, and she
took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and
her change in the other. Then she went out the door,
avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she
reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of
change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream
cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she
went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or
in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone
was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul
Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he
said to the woman: "You put it in your purse."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Obedience School
During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking. One said to the other. "The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Guru's Dentist
Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Guru's Dentist
Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 28th
Dog Newspaper
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replies, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Things to Do When Your ISP Is Down
1. Dial 911 immediately. 2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years. 3. You mean there's something else to do? 4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote. 5. Work. 6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family. 7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Accident
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Escape Ape
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo as well as the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other was The Origin of the Species, by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Revised Wall Street Terms
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry BROKER - What my broker has made me. BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer. FINANCIAL PLANNER - A person whose phone has been disconnected. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past week investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks. P/E RATIO -The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell. VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower. WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Intelligent Life?
Two aliens out in space were looking down on our planet.The first alien said, “It seems the dominant life-forms on Earth have developed satellite-based weapons.”The second alien asked, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”“I don't think so,” the first responded. “They have the weapons aimed at themselves.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Did you hear about this? This is one of those only in
California stories - elementary school students in Berkeley
are receiving a class credit for 'lunch.' Since they learn
about nutrition, lunch is now considered a class. See, that's
when you know we're getting too fat in this country, when
students are actually majoring in lunch!" --Jay Leno
***
"I was watching the movie '300' yesterday. The ancient Greek
stories are strange. The story of Odysseus is basically the
story of a long, hellish commute; and along the way, a sor-
ceress turns Odysseus' friends into pigs... which is not
really magic if you've ever been to a high school reunion."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"McDonald's is trying to compete with Starbuck's, so they're
going to start serving lattes and cappuccinos. McDonald's
say both drinks go great with their new vente hazelnut
McRib." -Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter
of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to
date?"
Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside,
put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me
so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that
sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I
love her very much. If you were thinking about touching,
kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any
way, just remember...I don't mind going back to prison."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long
and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our
beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later,
in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in
his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter
something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide
to call her again?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Phonetic Problem
Many hymnals have a hymn called "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."
It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing
the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would
come just before the sermon. He replied with the
above-mentioned hymn.
The following Sunday the bulletin read:
Hymn No. 134: "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every engineer knows:Power = Work / Time Since:Knowledge = PowerTime = Money It follows that:Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get:Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know,the more you make.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Telephone Conversation
"Hello" "Hello" "Is that you, Larry?" "Yes, this is Larry." "Are you sure this is Larry." "Yes I'm sure, this is Larry !" "This is Pete... can you lend me twenty dollars ?" "I'll tell Larry when he comes in."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Smoking Power Supply
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem. Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply. Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this. Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem. Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS. [After a few minutes of going round and round] Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer. [Customer does this] Customer: It is still smoking. Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE. [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!] Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer? Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost.
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replies, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Things to Do When Your ISP Is Down
1. Dial 911 immediately. 2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years. 3. You mean there's something else to do? 4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote. 5. Work. 6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family. 7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Accident
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Escape Ape
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo as well as the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other was The Origin of the Species, by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Revised Wall Street Terms
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry BROKER - What my broker has made me. BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer. FINANCIAL PLANNER - A person whose phone has been disconnected. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past week investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks. P/E RATIO -The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell. VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower. WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Intelligent Life?
Two aliens out in space were looking down on our planet.The first alien said, “It seems the dominant life-forms on Earth have developed satellite-based weapons.”The second alien asked, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”“I don't think so,” the first responded. “They have the weapons aimed at themselves.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Did you hear about this? This is one of those only in
California stories - elementary school students in Berkeley
are receiving a class credit for 'lunch.' Since they learn
about nutrition, lunch is now considered a class. See, that's
when you know we're getting too fat in this country, when
students are actually majoring in lunch!" --Jay Leno
***
"I was watching the movie '300' yesterday. The ancient Greek
stories are strange. The story of Odysseus is basically the
story of a long, hellish commute; and along the way, a sor-
ceress turns Odysseus' friends into pigs... which is not
really magic if you've ever been to a high school reunion."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"McDonald's is trying to compete with Starbuck's, so they're
going to start serving lattes and cappuccinos. McDonald's
say both drinks go great with their new vente hazelnut
McRib." -Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter
of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to
date?"
Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside,
put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me
so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that
sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I
love her very much. If you were thinking about touching,
kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any
way, just remember...I don't mind going back to prison."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long
and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our
beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later,
in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in
his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter
something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide
to call her again?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Phonetic Problem
Many hymnals have a hymn called "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."
It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing
the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would
come just before the sermon. He replied with the
above-mentioned hymn.
The following Sunday the bulletin read:
Hymn No. 134: "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every engineer knows:Power = Work / Time Since:Knowledge = PowerTime = Money It follows that:Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get:Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know,the more you make.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Telephone Conversation
"Hello" "Hello" "Is that you, Larry?" "Yes, this is Larry." "Are you sure this is Larry." "Yes I'm sure, this is Larry !" "This is Pete... can you lend me twenty dollars ?" "I'll tell Larry when he comes in."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Smoking Power Supply
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem. Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply. Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this. Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem. Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS. [After a few minutes of going round and round] Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer. [Customer does this] Customer: It is still smoking. Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE. [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!] Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer? Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost.
Monday, October 27, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 27th
Birthday Gift
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the
clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife's
birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a
cruise."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
What's in a Name?
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Who's Counting
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Who's Counting
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Raised Heart Rate
As a younger man, I was in great shape. As an airline pilot, I was required to have a Flight physical every six months.
The nurse took the basic data, weight, height, and blood pressure. My pressure was good, but the heart rate was below 40 beats per minute.
"I cannot put that number down. You'll be denied a physical," she said.
"What can I do?" I replied.
She held my hand and winked, saying, "Just think about me for a minute!"
Retaking my blood pressure and heart rate, she stated, "53 will be OK, but you really know how to hurt a girl's feelings!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Family Dinner"
Family dinner was an enjoyable weekly ritual for us. Although my Mother was in her late 80's she certainly still had the ability to clearly say what was on her mind.
This was the first dinner on my sister's beautiful new dining room furniture. As we all sat enjoying good food and conversation Mom kept squirming in her chair. Finally, my sister asked, "Are you alright? Are you uncomfortable?"
Without looking up from her dinner Mom replied, "No, the chair is."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Today I went to buy a toaster and was given a bank as a free gift."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "No Eve"
"No, Eve, I won't touch that apple," said Tom adamantly.- Richard Lederer
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Gruelling Cross Examinations”
Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
Witness: The young lady is pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.
<><><><><>
Attorney: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I'll be three months on November 8.
Attorney: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: What were you doing at that time?
<><><><><>
Attorney: Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, sir.
Attorney: And did you take your new wife?
<><><><><>
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
<><><><><>
Attorney: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs, did they go up also?
<><><><><>
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
<><><><><>
Attorney: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Attorney: Were you present when that picture was taken?
<><><><><>
Attorney: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
<><><><><>
Attorney: So you were gone until you returned?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Shhh!On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate. The man said something; and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. Then he signed, very small and slowly: "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than
others." --Henry Youngman
***
"Love is only a dirty trick played on us to assure the con-
tinuation of the species." -Somerset Maugham
***
"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be
an affront to your intelligence." --George Bernard Shaw
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Coming out of the supermarket the other day, I saw a scary
sight. As a woman loaded groceries into her trunk, her
shopping cart began to roll away. The scary part? It was
heading straight for my car.
She ran after it, but was too late...the cart slammed into
my driver's side door. "How bad's the damage?" I called out,
running toward her.
"Bad," she said, gathering her groceries. "I broke at least
a dozen eggs."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from
the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of
two sandwiches was better.
The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first
sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical
look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are
they both listed with the same price on the menu?"
To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to
the turkey."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Woman treated after bat corpse coffee
DES MOINES, Iowa (UPI) -- The Iowa Department of Public health said a woman found a dead bat in her coffee filter after she had been drinking the beverage. The department said the woman, who was from the eastern part of the state, made her coffee in the evening and then drank it the next morning, The (Cedar Rapids, Iowa) Gazette reported. The woman told officials that when she went to change the filter that evening, she found the dead bat inside. Ann Garvey, a veterinarian with the department, said the woman underwent treatment for rabies after the bat corpse's brain was found by the University Hygienic Laboratory in Oakdale, Calif., to have been too cooked by the coffee maker for rabies testing.
///
Venomous snake seized from woman's home
CROWN POINT, Ind. (UPI) -- Indiana wildlife officials said they have seized a venomous 5-foot Egyptian cobra from a Crown Point, Ind., woman's home. Conservation Officer Shawn Brown of the Indiana Department of Natural Resources said Elizabeth Zelms was issued a summons on a charge of possessing a venomous reptile without a permit after the snake was removed from her home, The Northwest Indiana Times of Hammond, Ind., reported. Brown said state officials learned of Zelms's snake after she applied for a permit with the Department of Natural Resources. He said she told officials she rescued the cobra from someone who wasn't taking proper care of it. "The law says you have a permit beforehand," Brown said. "That's a dangerous reptile. It's not something to mess around with."
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the
clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife's
birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a
cruise."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
What's in a Name?
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Who's Counting
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Who's Counting
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Raised Heart Rate
As a younger man, I was in great shape. As an airline pilot, I was required to have a Flight physical every six months.
The nurse took the basic data, weight, height, and blood pressure. My pressure was good, but the heart rate was below 40 beats per minute.
"I cannot put that number down. You'll be denied a physical," she said.
"What can I do?" I replied.
She held my hand and winked, saying, "Just think about me for a minute!"
Retaking my blood pressure and heart rate, she stated, "53 will be OK, but you really know how to hurt a girl's feelings!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Family Dinner"
Family dinner was an enjoyable weekly ritual for us. Although my Mother was in her late 80's she certainly still had the ability to clearly say what was on her mind.
This was the first dinner on my sister's beautiful new dining room furniture. As we all sat enjoying good food and conversation Mom kept squirming in her chair. Finally, my sister asked, "Are you alright? Are you uncomfortable?"
Without looking up from her dinner Mom replied, "No, the chair is."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Today I went to buy a toaster and was given a bank as a free gift."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "No Eve"
"No, Eve, I won't touch that apple," said Tom adamantly.- Richard Lederer
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Gruelling Cross Examinations”
Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
Witness: The young lady is pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.
<><><><><>
Attorney: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I'll be three months on November 8.
Attorney: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: What were you doing at that time?
<><><><><>
Attorney: Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, sir.
Attorney: And did you take your new wife?
<><><><><>
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
<><><><><>
Attorney: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs, did they go up also?
<><><><><>
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
<><><><><>
Attorney: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Attorney: Were you present when that picture was taken?
<><><><><>
Attorney: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
<><><><><>
Attorney: So you were gone until you returned?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Shhh!On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate. The man said something; and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. Then he signed, very small and slowly: "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than
others." --Henry Youngman
***
"Love is only a dirty trick played on us to assure the con-
tinuation of the species." -Somerset Maugham
***
"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be
an affront to your intelligence." --George Bernard Shaw
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Coming out of the supermarket the other day, I saw a scary
sight. As a woman loaded groceries into her trunk, her
shopping cart began to roll away. The scary part? It was
heading straight for my car.
She ran after it, but was too late...the cart slammed into
my driver's side door. "How bad's the damage?" I called out,
running toward her.
"Bad," she said, gathering her groceries. "I broke at least
a dozen eggs."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from
the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of
two sandwiches was better.
The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first
sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical
look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are
they both listed with the same price on the menu?"
To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to
the turkey."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Woman treated after bat corpse coffee
DES MOINES, Iowa (UPI) -- The Iowa Department of Public health said a woman found a dead bat in her coffee filter after she had been drinking the beverage. The department said the woman, who was from the eastern part of the state, made her coffee in the evening and then drank it the next morning, The (Cedar Rapids, Iowa) Gazette reported. The woman told officials that when she went to change the filter that evening, she found the dead bat inside. Ann Garvey, a veterinarian with the department, said the woman underwent treatment for rabies after the bat corpse's brain was found by the University Hygienic Laboratory in Oakdale, Calif., to have been too cooked by the coffee maker for rabies testing.
///
Venomous snake seized from woman's home
CROWN POINT, Ind. (UPI) -- Indiana wildlife officials said they have seized a venomous 5-foot Egyptian cobra from a Crown Point, Ind., woman's home. Conservation Officer Shawn Brown of the Indiana Department of Natural Resources said Elizabeth Zelms was issued a summons on a charge of possessing a venomous reptile without a permit after the snake was removed from her home, The Northwest Indiana Times of Hammond, Ind., reported. Brown said state officials learned of Zelms's snake after she applied for a permit with the Department of Natural Resources. He said she told officials she rescued the cobra from someone who wasn't taking proper care of it. "The law says you have a permit beforehand," Brown said. "That's a dangerous reptile. It's not something to mess around with."
Sunday, October 26, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 26th
After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his Home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating Properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom Told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything Like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, He waved his hand at a row
of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Combination Prayer
I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that
was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know
the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.
Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised
his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun
the dial and opened the lock.
Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith,
he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the
ceiling."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
For Trade
For Trade: One 16 year old who knows everything. Except: How to cook.How to clean.How to manage money.How to wipe up spilled water.How to drive.How to write a check.How to answer a phone.How to do math.How to be polite.How gas is paid for.How cell phone bills are paid.How to work the can opener.How to sweep, dust or vacuum.How to make a bed.How to do laundry.How dictatorships work.How to stop talking.How to get a job.How important it is to finish high school.How the world actually works. She can text. And she can argue. What else does she *possibly* need to know in life?? I’d like to trade her in. For a puppy.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cat Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep.I pray for toys that look like mice,And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,And someone nice to scratch my back,For windowsills all warm and bright,For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real coolAnd keep the secret feline ruleTo never tell a human thatThe world is really ruled by cats!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Soap and Water
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied,"They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
How to Make a Puppy Pie
Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered, then add the following ingredients. 1 cup patience1 cup understanding1 pinch correction1 cup hard work2 cups praise and 1 1/2 cups fun Blend well. Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has doubled in size. Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and puppy are one. Enjoy!
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That's not right. - Sum Ting Wong.
Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me as soon as possible. - Kum Hia Nao.
Stupid Man. - Dum Gai.
Small Horse. - Tai Ni Po Ni.
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni.
I think you need a face lift. - Chin Tu Fat.
It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet. - Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King.
You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum.
I got this for free. - Ai No Pei.
Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?
Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo.
He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Shing Ka.
Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Computer Instructions
A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Pants Dilemma"
A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?"- Robert Orben
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Time" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Building PermitA Zoning Board had just been set up in a new community. A householder went to the office to request permission to build a small toolshed in his backyard."Have you a plan?" asked the director."Oh, yes," said the householder, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of the shed."That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said, "Here's your permission."A month later, a neighbor in almost exactly the same situation also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to see the director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request. "Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know what the director's decision is, or what further steps are necessary.""But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got permission right away.""Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we finally got organized."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Here's a sign that people in California have too much money.
Have you heard about this? People are now doing yoga with
their dog. Yoga for dogs. Who's this for? Dogs that want to
stick their necks out the car window a little further?"
-Jay Leno
***
"A Spice Girls reunion concert may be in the works. But
Posh Spice, Scary Spice, and the others are demanding $10
million. The $10 million price tag was thought up by the
group's newest member, Delusional Spice." -Conan O'Brien
***
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when some-
one says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me
that $100 you owe me?' or 'Do you have the $50 you borrowed?'
Man, quit being so cheap! --Jack Handey
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old
son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"
"No."
"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."
"Some other time; I'm busy."
"Dad, you have to meet them now."
From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors
were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the
front of the house. No one was there.
"Where are they?" I asked.
"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either,
but our baseball is in their living room!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know,
honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this
article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves
a stumbling block to the son."
"Well, thank heaven," said the wife, "at least our James has
nothing standing in his way."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.
How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the
famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is
wonderful?
It's mashing!
What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry!
several weeks, we stopped by his Home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating Properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom Told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything Like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, He waved his hand at a row
of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Combination Prayer
I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that
was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know
the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.
Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised
his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun
the dial and opened the lock.
Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith,
he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the
ceiling."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
For Trade
For Trade: One 16 year old who knows everything. Except: How to cook.How to clean.How to manage money.How to wipe up spilled water.How to drive.How to write a check.How to answer a phone.How to do math.How to be polite.How gas is paid for.How cell phone bills are paid.How to work the can opener.How to sweep, dust or vacuum.How to make a bed.How to do laundry.How dictatorships work.How to stop talking.How to get a job.How important it is to finish high school.How the world actually works. She can text. And she can argue. What else does she *possibly* need to know in life?? I’d like to trade her in. For a puppy.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cat Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep.I pray for toys that look like mice,And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,And someone nice to scratch my back,For windowsills all warm and bright,For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real coolAnd keep the secret feline ruleTo never tell a human thatThe world is really ruled by cats!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Soap and Water
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied,"They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
How to Make a Puppy Pie
Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered, then add the following ingredients. 1 cup patience1 cup understanding1 pinch correction1 cup hard work2 cups praise and 1 1/2 cups fun Blend well. Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has doubled in size. Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and puppy are one. Enjoy!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
That's not right. - Sum Ting Wong.
Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me as soon as possible. - Kum Hia Nao.
Stupid Man. - Dum Gai.
Small Horse. - Tai Ni Po Ni.
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni.
I think you need a face lift. - Chin Tu Fat.
It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet. - Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King.
You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum.
I got this for free. - Ai No Pei.
Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?
Stay out of sight. - Lei Lo.
He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Shing Ka.
Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Computer Instructions
A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Pants Dilemma"
A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?"- Robert Orben
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Time" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Building PermitA Zoning Board had just been set up in a new community. A householder went to the office to request permission to build a small toolshed in his backyard."Have you a plan?" asked the director."Oh, yes," said the householder, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of the shed."That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said, "Here's your permission."A month later, a neighbor in almost exactly the same situation also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to see the director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request. "Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know what the director's decision is, or what further steps are necessary.""But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got permission right away.""Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we finally got organized."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Here's a sign that people in California have too much money.
Have you heard about this? People are now doing yoga with
their dog. Yoga for dogs. Who's this for? Dogs that want to
stick their necks out the car window a little further?"
-Jay Leno
***
"A Spice Girls reunion concert may be in the works. But
Posh Spice, Scary Spice, and the others are demanding $10
million. The $10 million price tag was thought up by the
group's newest member, Delusional Spice." -Conan O'Brien
***
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when some-
one says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me
that $100 you owe me?' or 'Do you have the $50 you borrowed?'
Man, quit being so cheap! --Jack Handey
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old
son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"
"No."
"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."
"Some other time; I'm busy."
"Dad, you have to meet them now."
From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors
were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the
front of the house. No one was there.
"Where are they?" I asked.
"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either,
but our baseball is in their living room!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know,
honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this
article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves
a stumbling block to the son."
"Well, thank heaven," said the wife, "at least our James has
nothing standing in his way."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.
How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the
famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is
wonderful?
It's mashing!
What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 25th
Scientific Experiment
How can you drop an egg four feet without breaking it? (Drop it from five feet. It won't break during the first four feet.)
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Short Landing
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. Finally, he lands. He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the shortest runway I ever landed on." The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so wide."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Day In The Life Of A BMW Driver
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either - they’re $20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Resistor
My seven-year-old son, Nick, received a snap-together
electronic kit for Christmas. He learned that if you put a
resistor in line with the speaker, it lowers the volume from
the speaker.
During the six-hour car trip home from my parents' house,
Nick had had about enough of his five-month-old brother's
constant crying in the car. So he said, "I wish I had a
resistor in my ear!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Wayward pengiuns fly home
CASSINO BEACH, Brazil (UPI) -- Some of the hundreds of penguins that had migrated too far north on the coast of Brazil have been flown back to their feeding grounds on a military plane. The 373 young Magellanic penguins, which were among about 1,600 emaciated birds that showed up in locations hundreds of miles north of their normal feeding grounds in July, were rehabilitated by animal welfare groups before being flown 1,550 miles to the southern coast of Brazil in a Brazilian air force cargo plane, CNN reported Wednesday. About half of the wayward birds survived their ordeal. "We are overjoyed to see these penguins waddle back to the ocean and have a second chance at life," said Dr. Valeria Ruoppolo, a veterinarian with the International Fund for Animal Welfare, which coordinated the rescue. Experts said changes in currents and wind temperatures likely confused the young penguins and contributed to them wandering too far north.
///
Bored postman allegedly dumped mail
LLANDUDNO, Wales (UPI) -- Prosecutors in Llandudno, Wales, say a postal worker admitted tossing thousands of pieces of mail in the woods because he "had lost interest in his job." Adam Stuart, 22, admitted in court to two counts of delaying mail and stealing 67 postal packets after authorities said he dumped thousands of parcels near his home and opened some letters to steal club card vouchers for the Tesco grocery store chain and other items, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday. "He stated he had lost interest in his job, having not been paid for the work he had done, so he couldn't be bothered," prosecutor Dafydd Roberts said. Defense attorney Richard Williams asked for sentencing to be delayed until reports could be submitted concerning Stuart being diagnosed with dyspraxia, which he said affects his client's coordination and thinking skills. Stuart, who was released on unconditional bail, is due back in court Nov. 5.
///
Family finds 7-foot snake under car hood
SPRINGFIELD, Ohio (UPI) -- An Ohio family discovered a 7-foot-long boa constrictor under the hood of their car, officials with the Clark County Humane Society say. Ed Sisler, humane society director, said the family told staff they were warned about the snake's presence by neighbors who spotted it slithering toward the vehicle, the Dayton (Ohio) Daily News reported Wednesday. "It took the kid a substantial amount of time to untangle it from under the engine," Sisler said. Sisler said his organization is hoping the owners of the snake, which staff nicknamed "Buddy," will claim their pet. He said the reptile will be offered to educational institutions as a classroom pet if it is not claimed. "He has an excellent temperament but likes to hiss," Sisler said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Late Arrival"
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Pumpkin Math"
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by it's diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Baseball Quote”
At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote."
I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!"
There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"
"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."
"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."
I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Sentry DutyA new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No vehicle was to enter unless it had the proper sticker on the windshield.Now, a huge Army car came up with a General seated in the back. The sentry yelled, "Halt, who goes there?"The chauffeur, says, "General Wheeler.""I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."The General said, "Drive on!"The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving on without your sticker."The General repeated, "I'm telling you, Corporal, drive on!"The sentry walked up to the rear window with the gun at the ready and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno
***
"As kids, instead of building sandcastles, we'd make sand
sculptures of naked women. It was tricky though, cause we
didn't know what naked women looked like. I grew up in
Scotland in the 1970s. I was 24 before I saw a woman with
her coat off. I thought a cardigan was an erogenous zone."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three
groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and
value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will
replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth."
--Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us
grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.
"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun,
but fuchsias thrive in the shade."
After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached
him.
"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.
Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added,
"I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."
How can you drop an egg four feet without breaking it? (Drop it from five feet. It won't break during the first four feet.)
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Short Landing
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. Finally, he lands. He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the shortest runway I ever landed on." The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so wide."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Day In The Life Of A BMW Driver
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either - they’re $20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Resistor
My seven-year-old son, Nick, received a snap-together
electronic kit for Christmas. He learned that if you put a
resistor in line with the speaker, it lowers the volume from
the speaker.
During the six-hour car trip home from my parents' house,
Nick had had about enough of his five-month-old brother's
constant crying in the car. So he said, "I wish I had a
resistor in my ear!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Wayward pengiuns fly home
CASSINO BEACH, Brazil (UPI) -- Some of the hundreds of penguins that had migrated too far north on the coast of Brazil have been flown back to their feeding grounds on a military plane. The 373 young Magellanic penguins, which were among about 1,600 emaciated birds that showed up in locations hundreds of miles north of their normal feeding grounds in July, were rehabilitated by animal welfare groups before being flown 1,550 miles to the southern coast of Brazil in a Brazilian air force cargo plane, CNN reported Wednesday. About half of the wayward birds survived their ordeal. "We are overjoyed to see these penguins waddle back to the ocean and have a second chance at life," said Dr. Valeria Ruoppolo, a veterinarian with the International Fund for Animal Welfare, which coordinated the rescue. Experts said changes in currents and wind temperatures likely confused the young penguins and contributed to them wandering too far north.
///
Bored postman allegedly dumped mail
LLANDUDNO, Wales (UPI) -- Prosecutors in Llandudno, Wales, say a postal worker admitted tossing thousands of pieces of mail in the woods because he "had lost interest in his job." Adam Stuart, 22, admitted in court to two counts of delaying mail and stealing 67 postal packets after authorities said he dumped thousands of parcels near his home and opened some letters to steal club card vouchers for the Tesco grocery store chain and other items, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday. "He stated he had lost interest in his job, having not been paid for the work he had done, so he couldn't be bothered," prosecutor Dafydd Roberts said. Defense attorney Richard Williams asked for sentencing to be delayed until reports could be submitted concerning Stuart being diagnosed with dyspraxia, which he said affects his client's coordination and thinking skills. Stuart, who was released on unconditional bail, is due back in court Nov. 5.
///
Family finds 7-foot snake under car hood
SPRINGFIELD, Ohio (UPI) -- An Ohio family discovered a 7-foot-long boa constrictor under the hood of their car, officials with the Clark County Humane Society say. Ed Sisler, humane society director, said the family told staff they were warned about the snake's presence by neighbors who spotted it slithering toward the vehicle, the Dayton (Ohio) Daily News reported Wednesday. "It took the kid a substantial amount of time to untangle it from under the engine," Sisler said. Sisler said his organization is hoping the owners of the snake, which staff nicknamed "Buddy," will claim their pet. He said the reptile will be offered to educational institutions as a classroom pet if it is not claimed. "He has an excellent temperament but likes to hiss," Sisler said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Late Arrival"
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Pumpkin Math"
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by it's diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Baseball Quote”
At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote."
I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!"
There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"
"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."
"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."
I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Sentry DutyA new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No vehicle was to enter unless it had the proper sticker on the windshield.Now, a huge Army car came up with a General seated in the back. The sentry yelled, "Halt, who goes there?"The chauffeur, says, "General Wheeler.""I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."The General said, "Drive on!"The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving on without your sticker."The General repeated, "I'm telling you, Corporal, drive on!"The sentry walked up to the rear window with the gun at the ready and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno
***
"As kids, instead of building sandcastles, we'd make sand
sculptures of naked women. It was tricky though, cause we
didn't know what naked women looked like. I grew up in
Scotland in the 1970s. I was 24 before I saw a woman with
her coat off. I thought a cardigan was an erogenous zone."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three
groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and
value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will
replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth."
--Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us
grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.
"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun,
but fuchsias thrive in the shade."
After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached
him.
"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.
Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added,
"I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."
Friday, October 24, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 24th
Jeweled Portrait
There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels. Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Bachelor's Cat
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!" In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died." After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Cake Question"
While working at Baskin-Robbins, I helped a woman, who was full of questions about the flavors and types available, pick out an ice-cream cake.
As I was boxing it up for her, she had one last question:
"How long do I bake this?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell."- Confucius
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Motivating Others" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
John, a neighbor of mine, was annoyed because he had to search for his newspaper each morning after the paperboy tossed it. Often he would find it, covered with dirt, under the car in the gravel driveway. Then one-day the paperboy's mother mentioned that her son's ambition was to play professional basketball. John had an idea.
When he got home, he attached a basketball hoop to a post on the front porch. Sure enough, the next morning there was a resounding "plunk" as the newspaper sailed through the hoop and landed by the door.
John never had to search for his paper again
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Foolish Marriage
After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Kitten's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep..I sleep right in the center grooveMy human cannot hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tightAnd here is where I pass the nightNo one disturbs me or dares intrudeTill morning comes and "I want food!" I sneak up slowly to beginmy nibbles on my human's chin.She wakes up quickly,I have sharp teeth And my claws I will unsheathFor the morning hereand it's time to playalways seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving meThis human person that I see.The one who hugs me and holds me tightAnd sacrifices her bed at night!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Good Answer
Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Letter
Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the deadThough I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head; I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned.I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind. For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs,If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there. And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt.Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out. I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned.I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned. And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head.I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed? Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot.I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not. So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting soreIt may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more. Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very redInstead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home.
He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went
to the door and way the priest.
He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for
God is here!"
***
"They are now reporting that the Grand Canyon is having a
financial crisis. They say there might not be enough money to
keep it going. How did the Grand Canyon make it this far?"
--Jay Leno
***
"What they put women through today when they're having a baby!
They don't want to medicate them, as compared to previous
generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication,
she didn't wake up till I was seven." --Dennis Wolfberg
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old
coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on
which I was still listed as the record holder for the
longest softball throw.
Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will
stand forever."
I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records
exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that
event years ago."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A large truck was tailing my son as he drove through town
with his girlfriend. The truck matched them turn for turn,
down every street.
My son's concern grew to alarm when the menacing-looking
driver pulled next to him at a light, leaned out his window,
and glared into his car. After a long, hard stare, the man
grinned and called to my son, "Sorry, kid, I thought that
was my daughter."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations... The new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because last week, Sarah was on a class trip to New York, where she met foreign leaders... And one of the leaders she met was Zardari, and he was gushing over her. He said, oh, you're more gorgeous in person than you are on TV. And so the people in his home country of Pakistan, the Islamists, they issued a fatwa on him, for being too 'flirty.' And when Sarah today was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, 'I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'" --Bill Maher "Hey, did you all watch the vice presidential debate last night? Yeah, there was nothing embarrassing from either candidate. Damn! No, political analysts say it was a strong debate by both candidates and there were no losers, okay, other than gay people who want to get married." --Jay Leno "Anybody see the debate last night? Whoa. And they're saying that Sarah Palin actually did pretty well, and that Joe Biden avoided any verbal gaffes, and I'm thinking, well, what fun was that? That was no fun at all, for God sakes." --David Letterman "They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'" --Jay Leno "Here's some good news. The bailout plan has been passed. Here's the deal. It went from $700 billion to $800 billion. Now the reason for that, it costs the taxpayers more. If it costs the taxpayers more, the better chance that Congress will vote for it." --David Letterman "Last night's vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin drew much higher ratings than the presidential debate. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, Biden attracted viewers who enjoyed his previous debate appearances, and Palin attracted viewers who enjoyed the movie 'Fargo.'" --Conan O'Brien "Now he voted for the bailout, which of course passed. ... They say it's going to cost every man, woman and child in this country 2,300 dollars, and if everything goes perfectly, soon, your money will be blowing to the banks so they can lend it back to the U.S. at interest. The free market works, ladies and gentlemen." --Bill Maher "During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!" --David Letterman "Good news, everybody. That house you couldn't pay for? You're paying for it. The House on Friday passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law after consulting with his economic advisers, M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson" --Seth Meyers "Sarah Palin seemed genuinely happy to be there. She said she was privileged. And it was a thrill for Joe Biden too. I mean, he got to talk directly to the American people on television, just the way FDR did when the stock market crashed in 1929." --Jay Leno "During an interview with Katie Couric Tuesday, Sarah Palin says she is not opposed to gay people, adding 'One of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years happens to be gay and I love her dearly and she doesn't exist.'" --Amy Poehler
There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels. Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Bachelor's Cat
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!" In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died." After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Cake Question"
While working at Baskin-Robbins, I helped a woman, who was full of questions about the flavors and types available, pick out an ice-cream cake.
As I was boxing it up for her, she had one last question:
"How long do I bake this?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell."- Confucius
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Motivating Others" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
John, a neighbor of mine, was annoyed because he had to search for his newspaper each morning after the paperboy tossed it. Often he would find it, covered with dirt, under the car in the gravel driveway. Then one-day the paperboy's mother mentioned that her son's ambition was to play professional basketball. John had an idea.
When he got home, he attached a basketball hoop to a post on the front porch. Sure enough, the next morning there was a resounding "plunk" as the newspaper sailed through the hoop and landed by the door.
John never had to search for his paper again
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Foolish Marriage
After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Kitten's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep..I sleep right in the center grooveMy human cannot hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tightAnd here is where I pass the nightNo one disturbs me or dares intrudeTill morning comes and "I want food!" I sneak up slowly to beginmy nibbles on my human's chin.She wakes up quickly,I have sharp teeth And my claws I will unsheathFor the morning hereand it's time to playalways seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving meThis human person that I see.The one who hugs me and holds me tightAnd sacrifices her bed at night!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Good Answer
Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Letter
Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the deadThough I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head; I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned.I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind. For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs,If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there. And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt.Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out. I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned.I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned. And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head.I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed? Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot.I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not. So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting soreIt may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more. Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very redInstead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home.
He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went
to the door and way the priest.
He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for
God is here!"
***
"They are now reporting that the Grand Canyon is having a
financial crisis. They say there might not be enough money to
keep it going. How did the Grand Canyon make it this far?"
--Jay Leno
***
"What they put women through today when they're having a baby!
They don't want to medicate them, as compared to previous
generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication,
she didn't wake up till I was seven." --Dennis Wolfberg
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old
coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on
which I was still listed as the record holder for the
longest softball throw.
Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will
stand forever."
I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records
exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that
event years ago."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A large truck was tailing my son as he drove through town
with his girlfriend. The truck matched them turn for turn,
down every street.
My son's concern grew to alarm when the menacing-looking
driver pulled next to him at a light, leaned out his window,
and glared into his car. After a long, hard stare, the man
grinned and called to my son, "Sorry, kid, I thought that
was my daughter."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations... The new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because last week, Sarah was on a class trip to New York, where she met foreign leaders... And one of the leaders she met was Zardari, and he was gushing over her. He said, oh, you're more gorgeous in person than you are on TV. And so the people in his home country of Pakistan, the Islamists, they issued a fatwa on him, for being too 'flirty.' And when Sarah today was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, 'I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'" --Bill Maher "Hey, did you all watch the vice presidential debate last night? Yeah, there was nothing embarrassing from either candidate. Damn! No, political analysts say it was a strong debate by both candidates and there were no losers, okay, other than gay people who want to get married." --Jay Leno "Anybody see the debate last night? Whoa. And they're saying that Sarah Palin actually did pretty well, and that Joe Biden avoided any verbal gaffes, and I'm thinking, well, what fun was that? That was no fun at all, for God sakes." --David Letterman "They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'" --Jay Leno "Here's some good news. The bailout plan has been passed. Here's the deal. It went from $700 billion to $800 billion. Now the reason for that, it costs the taxpayers more. If it costs the taxpayers more, the better chance that Congress will vote for it." --David Letterman "Last night's vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin drew much higher ratings than the presidential debate. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, Biden attracted viewers who enjoyed his previous debate appearances, and Palin attracted viewers who enjoyed the movie 'Fargo.'" --Conan O'Brien "Now he voted for the bailout, which of course passed. ... They say it's going to cost every man, woman and child in this country 2,300 dollars, and if everything goes perfectly, soon, your money will be blowing to the banks so they can lend it back to the U.S. at interest. The free market works, ladies and gentlemen." --Bill Maher "During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!" --David Letterman "Good news, everybody. That house you couldn't pay for? You're paying for it. The House on Friday passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law after consulting with his economic advisers, M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson" --Seth Meyers "Sarah Palin seemed genuinely happy to be there. She said she was privileged. And it was a thrill for Joe Biden too. I mean, he got to talk directly to the American people on television, just the way FDR did when the stock market crashed in 1929." --Jay Leno "During an interview with Katie Couric Tuesday, Sarah Palin says she is not opposed to gay people, adding 'One of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years happens to be gay and I love her dearly and she doesn't exist.'" --Amy Poehler
Thursday, October 23, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 23rd
Higher Education
A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college. Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going. "Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages." "Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language." The dog says, "Meow ! "
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Movie Theater
Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?" "You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat. "Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support
* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?" * "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it." * "So -- what are you wearing?" * "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" * "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n." * "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC." * "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery." * "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." * "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" * "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics." * "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
An Airliner
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Computer One Liners - Part 1"
Computer One Liners - Part 1
Hard Disk space: the final frontier!
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
I know I'm supposed to back up my files, but I still haven't found reverse on my PC.
I was going to switch her to DOS, but she had a gun
I'll give up my Windows 3.1 when they pry my cold, dead fingers off the mouse.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed
Intel - still number 0.999873464508.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"I had a muscle twitching yesterday - that's the most exercise I've had in years."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Family Furniture"
Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn't turn them back.
What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation, and his family was whisked off to surgery.
Hours later, Dr. Dr. Mike Wilson, the surgeon emerged.
"How are they?" the magician asked.
"Comfortable."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”InDUHviduals”
* I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.
* While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I colored my hair. He asked me what color.
* Last week my co-worker was traveling on business to a very small town. They found a restaurant in the phone book and asked the woman working at the hotel desk how to get there. The desk clerk told them all about it and gave them directions. After driving around for half an hour they could not find it. When they returned to the hotel, the woman at the hotel desk told them, "Oh, I forgot; they never did build that restaurant."
* I went shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy." I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."
* I went into a major retail establishment and asked an employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth vases. Seeing her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase, explaining that it has a narrow neck, with space for a flower bulb on top and water on the bottom. Said the employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Learning to CookWe are fortunate our grand-children live close by and visit us often.When our seven-year-old granddaughter comes over, she loves to watch her grandmother when she is baking. "Grandma," she asked one day, "where did you learn how to cook?"Grandma told her that she learned from her mother and passed on this knowledge to her daughter. "Someday," she continued, "your mother will pass this knowledge along to you."There was a short silence. "No, I don't think so," she said. "Mom puts everything in the microwave."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Haircut
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing Community service this week.' The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' Card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the Barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community Service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful'.
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing Community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the Shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the Citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Neutron in a Bar
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and say "For you, no charge."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Kids Physics
Answers to questions provided by kids * Q: What is one horsepower? A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. * You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. * When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. * When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. * Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. * A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. * Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil. * Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. * We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. * I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. * Rain is saved up in cloud banks. * Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. * It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.
A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college. Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going. "Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages." "Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language." The dog says, "Meow ! "
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Movie Theater
Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?" "You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat. "Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support
* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?" * "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it." * "So -- what are you wearing?" * "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" * "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n." * "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC." * "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery." * "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." * "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" * "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics." * "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
An Airliner
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Computer One Liners - Part 1"
Computer One Liners - Part 1
Hard Disk space: the final frontier!
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
I know I'm supposed to back up my files, but I still haven't found reverse on my PC.
I was going to switch her to DOS, but she had a gun
I'll give up my Windows 3.1 when they pry my cold, dead fingers off the mouse.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed
Intel - still number 0.999873464508.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"I had a muscle twitching yesterday - that's the most exercise I've had in years."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Family Furniture"
Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn't turn them back.
What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation, and his family was whisked off to surgery.
Hours later, Dr. Dr. Mike Wilson, the surgeon emerged.
"How are they?" the magician asked.
"Comfortable."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”InDUHviduals”
* I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.
* While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I colored my hair. He asked me what color.
* Last week my co-worker was traveling on business to a very small town. They found a restaurant in the phone book and asked the woman working at the hotel desk how to get there. The desk clerk told them all about it and gave them directions. After driving around for half an hour they could not find it. When they returned to the hotel, the woman at the hotel desk told them, "Oh, I forgot; they never did build that restaurant."
* I went shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy." I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."
* I went into a major retail establishment and asked an employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth vases. Seeing her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase, explaining that it has a narrow neck, with space for a flower bulb on top and water on the bottom. Said the employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Learning to CookWe are fortunate our grand-children live close by and visit us often.When our seven-year-old granddaughter comes over, she loves to watch her grandmother when she is baking. "Grandma," she asked one day, "where did you learn how to cook?"Grandma told her that she learned from her mother and passed on this knowledge to her daughter. "Someday," she continued, "your mother will pass this knowledge along to you."There was a short silence. "No, I don't think so," she said. "Mom puts everything in the microwave."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Haircut
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing Community service this week.' The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' Card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the Barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community Service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful'.
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing Community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the Shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the Citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Neutron in a Bar
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and say "For you, no charge."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Kids Physics
Answers to questions provided by kids * Q: What is one horsepower? A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. * You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. * When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. * When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. * Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. * A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. * Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil. * Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. * We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. * I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. * Rain is saved up in cloud banks. * Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. * It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 22nd
Weird News
Family restrained thief for police
YORK, England (UPI) -- An English family says they stopped a burglar who was attempting to steal from their house, sitting on him until police arrived. Julie Broadway, 43, of York said she was awakened at about 2 a.m. by a sound that she initially thought was cats in the house but was revealed to be a burglar when a beam of light went passed her bedroom door, the Daily Mail reported Tuesday. "I was just angry. There was someone in my house that hadn't been invited," she said. Broadway said she pursued the thief and was soon joined by her husband Glen, a 226-pound former forestry worker who dragged the burglar back into the house and sat on him until police arrived. The couple said at one point, the thief attempted to reach for a knife, but their daughter, Megan, rapped him on the knuckles with an umbrella. Kevin Waddington, 40, who has 143 previous convictions for theft, pleaded guilty in York Crown Court to burglary. His defense attorney said he had been under the influence of drugs and alcohol at the time of the incident.
///
Man arrested after 10-year-old crashes van
BLOUNTVILLE, Tenn. (UPI) -- Authorities in Sullivan County, Tenn., said a man was arrested after allegedly instructing a 10-year-old to drive his van because he was intoxicated. The Sullivan County Sheriffs Office said Randy Lewis was charged with drunk driving, reckless endangerment and child abuse after the 10-year-old boy, who was one of three children in the vehicle, crashed the Ford Windstar van at speeds exceeding 90 mph, The Smoking Gun reported Tuesday. A sheriff's office affidavit said Lewis admitted after the crash to drinking "at least 15 beers, along with some liquor." The affidavit said cocaine was found in Lewis' system and his blood alcohol content was found to be .26, more than three times the legal state limit for driving. Paula Evans, a female friend of Lewis' who was also in the vehicle, was charged with reckless endangerment and child abuse. All five occupants of the van were treated for their injuries at a local hospital.
///
Man struck by lightning while pumping gas
VILLAGE OF BARKER, N.Y. (UPI) -- A Village of Barker, N.Y., man said he survived being struck by lightning, with only minimal injuries, while pumping gas into his car. William Hall said he was pumping gas at the K&K Food Mart when he was struck by lightning and knocked unconscious, WIVB-TV, Buffalo, N.Y, reported Monday. "Started pumping the gas, and I seen a very bright orange light, followed by a very bright white light, and then total darkness. I went out," Hall said. "I was very numb, shaky. Hard to catch my breath. My heart was beating really rapid." Hall said he was unconscious for about five minutes but he awoke to find himself uninjured, except for muscle soreness and some small blisters on his elbow. The incident was caught on film by K&K security cameras. "Everybody tells me I'm lucky, and I feel that way. I really do," Hall said.
///
British cabbie well paid for long drive
PORTSMOUTH, England (UPI) -- A British cab driver says a man desperate to reach a friend's stag party paid nearly $4,000 to be driven from Portsmouth, England, to Munich, Germany. Cabbie Mick Hogan, 54, said a man named Dave, in his 30s, had missed his flight and had no other option than to be driven the 740 miles, The Mirror reported. "I thought he was having a laugh or it was one of my cabbie mates doing a wind-up -- but he was serious," Hogan said. "It felt surreal, but it was better and more profitable than being sat on the rank all day." Hogan said it took him 17 hours to drive through England, France, Belgium and Luxembourg before dropping David in the center of Munich, the Mirror reported.
///
Honeymooners recycled for air miles
PETERSFIELD, England (UPI) -- A Petersfield, England, couple said they spent three months scrounging for recycling to gather free air miles for their honeymoon trip to the United States. John and Ann Till said they collected more than 60,000 pieces of recycling during their springtime scavenging to earn 36,000 British Airways miles by turning the cans and bottles in at Tesco grocery stores, The Daily Telegraph reported. "We would nip out to the pub and take a long route coming back," John Till said. "We soon found out where the best places were to pick up rubbish. It was mainly things like cans, Coke bottles and cans of lager." "At the very beginning we thought it was going to be impossible to do, but as we were getting more and more points and working it out in our heads as we went along we realized it was going to be possible," he said. The couple used the points to fly business class home from the United States after taking the Queen Mary 2 to New York on a honeymoon that included visits to Denver and Nashville.
///
Man named Fox attacked by fox, crashes car
DOVER, Tenn. (UPI) -- A Tennessee man named Tommy Fox crashed his car while contending with an attack from a real fox whose tail he intended to cut off, authorities say. After the Dover man struck a red fox that had dashed in front of his sport utility vehicle last week, he said he thought the animal was dead so he retrieved it from the roadway, planning to cut off its tail for a souvenir, a state wildlife official told Gannett Tennessee. Fox said the animal regained consciousness in the back seat of his SUV and attacked him, causing him to lose control of the vehicle and flip it over into a ditch. Records indicated Fox was treated for minor injuries at the scene by Montgomery County, Tenn., paramedics. The fox was found dead in the vehicle, but Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency wildlife officer Dale Grandstaff said it wasn't clear if it had died from the initial collision or from the rollover. Gannett Tennessee said it was not known if Fox got to keep the fox tail.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Waiting for the Plane"Daddy, why do we have to wait for our flight?""Our plane has been grounded.""Grounded?!? I didn't know planes had parents!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"The other night in Milwaukee, a brawl broke out among
people leaving a Celine Dion concert. Apparently, the
people leaving early were in the way of the people trying
to leave really early." -Conan O'Brien
***
"There's an asteroid heading toward the earth and we're all
going to die. There is! Scientists are saying there's a 1
in 45,000 chance of an asteroid hitting the earth in 2036.
Now an asteroid is a giant rock. It's headed toward the
earth. We should send up a giant piece of paper. We couldn't
send scissors; that would be impractical." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Here's some good news a woman in Milwaukee gave birth to
a 13 pound 12 ounce baby girl last week. Thirteen pound 12
ounces. Doctors say the baby will be walking before the
mother." --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked
my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.
"That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I
just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong with me,'"
he said. "And based on that, considering we've been married
23 years, she'd hand me a bill for about $798,000."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to
order a quart of potato salad. "We don't sell it by the
quart," the clerk snapped. "Okay, then give me two pints,
please," I replied.
I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, "Do you
want it in one container?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bad Eyesight
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his
retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My
eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I
can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit
down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and
give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred
and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his
eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with
his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and
squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have
perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Family restrained thief for police
YORK, England (UPI) -- An English family says they stopped a burglar who was attempting to steal from their house, sitting on him until police arrived. Julie Broadway, 43, of York said she was awakened at about 2 a.m. by a sound that she initially thought was cats in the house but was revealed to be a burglar when a beam of light went passed her bedroom door, the Daily Mail reported Tuesday. "I was just angry. There was someone in my house that hadn't been invited," she said. Broadway said she pursued the thief and was soon joined by her husband Glen, a 226-pound former forestry worker who dragged the burglar back into the house and sat on him until police arrived. The couple said at one point, the thief attempted to reach for a knife, but their daughter, Megan, rapped him on the knuckles with an umbrella. Kevin Waddington, 40, who has 143 previous convictions for theft, pleaded guilty in York Crown Court to burglary. His defense attorney said he had been under the influence of drugs and alcohol at the time of the incident.
///
Man arrested after 10-year-old crashes van
BLOUNTVILLE, Tenn. (UPI) -- Authorities in Sullivan County, Tenn., said a man was arrested after allegedly instructing a 10-year-old to drive his van because he was intoxicated. The Sullivan County Sheriffs Office said Randy Lewis was charged with drunk driving, reckless endangerment and child abuse after the 10-year-old boy, who was one of three children in the vehicle, crashed the Ford Windstar van at speeds exceeding 90 mph, The Smoking Gun reported Tuesday. A sheriff's office affidavit said Lewis admitted after the crash to drinking "at least 15 beers, along with some liquor." The affidavit said cocaine was found in Lewis' system and his blood alcohol content was found to be .26, more than three times the legal state limit for driving. Paula Evans, a female friend of Lewis' who was also in the vehicle, was charged with reckless endangerment and child abuse. All five occupants of the van were treated for their injuries at a local hospital.
///
Man struck by lightning while pumping gas
VILLAGE OF BARKER, N.Y. (UPI) -- A Village of Barker, N.Y., man said he survived being struck by lightning, with only minimal injuries, while pumping gas into his car. William Hall said he was pumping gas at the K&K Food Mart when he was struck by lightning and knocked unconscious, WIVB-TV, Buffalo, N.Y, reported Monday. "Started pumping the gas, and I seen a very bright orange light, followed by a very bright white light, and then total darkness. I went out," Hall said. "I was very numb, shaky. Hard to catch my breath. My heart was beating really rapid." Hall said he was unconscious for about five minutes but he awoke to find himself uninjured, except for muscle soreness and some small blisters on his elbow. The incident was caught on film by K&K security cameras. "Everybody tells me I'm lucky, and I feel that way. I really do," Hall said.
///
British cabbie well paid for long drive
PORTSMOUTH, England (UPI) -- A British cab driver says a man desperate to reach a friend's stag party paid nearly $4,000 to be driven from Portsmouth, England, to Munich, Germany. Cabbie Mick Hogan, 54, said a man named Dave, in his 30s, had missed his flight and had no other option than to be driven the 740 miles, The Mirror reported. "I thought he was having a laugh or it was one of my cabbie mates doing a wind-up -- but he was serious," Hogan said. "It felt surreal, but it was better and more profitable than being sat on the rank all day." Hogan said it took him 17 hours to drive through England, France, Belgium and Luxembourg before dropping David in the center of Munich, the Mirror reported.
///
Honeymooners recycled for air miles
PETERSFIELD, England (UPI) -- A Petersfield, England, couple said they spent three months scrounging for recycling to gather free air miles for their honeymoon trip to the United States. John and Ann Till said they collected more than 60,000 pieces of recycling during their springtime scavenging to earn 36,000 British Airways miles by turning the cans and bottles in at Tesco grocery stores, The Daily Telegraph reported. "We would nip out to the pub and take a long route coming back," John Till said. "We soon found out where the best places were to pick up rubbish. It was mainly things like cans, Coke bottles and cans of lager." "At the very beginning we thought it was going to be impossible to do, but as we were getting more and more points and working it out in our heads as we went along we realized it was going to be possible," he said. The couple used the points to fly business class home from the United States after taking the Queen Mary 2 to New York on a honeymoon that included visits to Denver and Nashville.
///
Man named Fox attacked by fox, crashes car
DOVER, Tenn. (UPI) -- A Tennessee man named Tommy Fox crashed his car while contending with an attack from a real fox whose tail he intended to cut off, authorities say. After the Dover man struck a red fox that had dashed in front of his sport utility vehicle last week, he said he thought the animal was dead so he retrieved it from the roadway, planning to cut off its tail for a souvenir, a state wildlife official told Gannett Tennessee. Fox said the animal regained consciousness in the back seat of his SUV and attacked him, causing him to lose control of the vehicle and flip it over into a ditch. Records indicated Fox was treated for minor injuries at the scene by Montgomery County, Tenn., paramedics. The fox was found dead in the vehicle, but Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency wildlife officer Dale Grandstaff said it wasn't clear if it had died from the initial collision or from the rollover. Gannett Tennessee said it was not known if Fox got to keep the fox tail.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Waiting for the Plane"Daddy, why do we have to wait for our flight?""Our plane has been grounded.""Grounded?!? I didn't know planes had parents!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"The other night in Milwaukee, a brawl broke out among
people leaving a Celine Dion concert. Apparently, the
people leaving early were in the way of the people trying
to leave really early." -Conan O'Brien
***
"There's an asteroid heading toward the earth and we're all
going to die. There is! Scientists are saying there's a 1
in 45,000 chance of an asteroid hitting the earth in 2036.
Now an asteroid is a giant rock. It's headed toward the
earth. We should send up a giant piece of paper. We couldn't
send scissors; that would be impractical." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Here's some good news a woman in Milwaukee gave birth to
a 13 pound 12 ounce baby girl last week. Thirteen pound 12
ounces. Doctors say the baby will be walking before the
mother." --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked
my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.
"That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I
just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong with me,'"
he said. "And based on that, considering we've been married
23 years, she'd hand me a bill for about $798,000."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to
order a quart of potato salad. "We don't sell it by the
quart," the clerk snapped. "Okay, then give me two pints,
please," I replied.
I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, "Do you
want it in one container?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bad Eyesight
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his
retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My
eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I
can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit
down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and
give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred
and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his
eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with
his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and
squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have
perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 21st
I WILL BE DISCONTINUING THIS BLOG AFTER THE OCTOBER 31ST POST
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Space News"
"I have just learned that we do have the film of the astronauts' breakfast, which should be coming up shortly."- Frank McGee of NBC News during the course of a Gemini space flight.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Internet Gardening”
My friend's wife insisted on some professional help in the garden, my friend, being the net-savvy dude that he is, searched Google for a qualified gardener and scheduled a meeting with the man at his Danville home. That person was given directions to the house via email and the meeting was set for 11 AM on Tuesday. At 8 AM my friend received a call from the gardener stating that he could not find the house, let alone the street name on the map he possessed.
"Ok, you know where the Burger King is?" My friend asked on the cell phone, "We're in the homes right behind there."
"Yea, I know the Burger King, but there is no Hartz Avenue at the intersection to turn left onto."
"Ok, which way are you heading, east or west on Danville Blvd?"
"Why, west I suppose."
"And you see the Burger King there on the right?"
"Yes."
"Ok, then just make a left there, that's Hartz Avenue."
A little perturbed, the gardener replied, "There is no street off to the left, it's a dead end."
"Are you sure you're in Danville?"
"Heck yea, I've lived round these parts all my life."
"You're not in San Ramon or something, are you?"
"There ain't no San Ramon round here. I came in from Shelby City."
"Where's Shelby City?"
"Why, it's in Kentucky.
Where the heck are you?"
There was a long pause and my friend answered, "California." And hung up.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Replacement GlassAt the end of a particularly severe winter, we removed the protective covers from our cabin cruiser and found that the weight of the snow had broken the windshield. I drove to the local glass shop, where I paid $110 for a replacement.The owner asked if I'd like them to install it, but I said I could handle it myself.I managed to climb up the ladder to the deck before dropping the glass. Sheepishly I returned to the shop. The owner showed no emotion as he cut the second glass.When I saw another $110 charge, I said, "I thought I might get a break on the second piece of glass.""I did give you a break," he replied."How so?" I asked."I didn't laugh, did I?" he answered.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"You know you're watching a bad presidential debate when the
topics fall into the categories 'Domestic policy,' 'Foreign
policy' and 'Burt Reynolds Films of the '70s.'"
-Dave Letterman
***
"Wal-Mart announced they're coming out with their own brand
of wine. Wal-Mart's wine comes in red or white, as well as
12- or 16-ounce cans." --Conan O'Brien
***
"During the Democratic debate last week they all talked about
conserving energy. Like keeping the thermostat down in the
winter. Using low energy bulbs. Turning off lights. Using
less gas. It made me realize, my dad was like the first envi-
ronmentalist. He would walk around the house yelling, 'turn
off those lights! Turn the heat down!' He was green before
his time." -Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent
trend towards legislation which requires the prominent
placing of warnings on products that present hazards to
the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned,
merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in
this important area. This is especially true in light of
the findings of 20th century quantum physics.
We therefore propose that the following list of warnings
appears on every product offered for sale in the United
States.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy
Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of
Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute
Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in
Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle,"
It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same
Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast
It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds
that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle
was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance
That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product
May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and
Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including
Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents
Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality,
This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That
When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product,
It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and
Undetermined State.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This
Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent
on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
American idioms don't travel well. Case in point, this email
my boss received from a Chinese businessman... "I apologize
for taking so long to get this pricing to you, but I had to
get all my ducts in the road."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
First Haircut
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I
asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my
two-year-old son for his first haircut.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Honeymoon
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Wrong Number
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Coffee Thermos
A guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss. How many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.3. I will get dressed before noon.4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Work "Experience"
Several weeks after a young man had been hired by an advertising agency, he was called into the personnel director's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Space News"
"I have just learned that we do have the film of the astronauts' breakfast, which should be coming up shortly."- Frank McGee of NBC News during the course of a Gemini space flight.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Internet Gardening”
My friend's wife insisted on some professional help in the garden, my friend, being the net-savvy dude that he is, searched Google for a qualified gardener and scheduled a meeting with the man at his Danville home. That person was given directions to the house via email and the meeting was set for 11 AM on Tuesday. At 8 AM my friend received a call from the gardener stating that he could not find the house, let alone the street name on the map he possessed.
"Ok, you know where the Burger King is?" My friend asked on the cell phone, "We're in the homes right behind there."
"Yea, I know the Burger King, but there is no Hartz Avenue at the intersection to turn left onto."
"Ok, which way are you heading, east or west on Danville Blvd?"
"Why, west I suppose."
"And you see the Burger King there on the right?"
"Yes."
"Ok, then just make a left there, that's Hartz Avenue."
A little perturbed, the gardener replied, "There is no street off to the left, it's a dead end."
"Are you sure you're in Danville?"
"Heck yea, I've lived round these parts all my life."
"You're not in San Ramon or something, are you?"
"There ain't no San Ramon round here. I came in from Shelby City."
"Where's Shelby City?"
"Why, it's in Kentucky.
Where the heck are you?"
There was a long pause and my friend answered, "California." And hung up.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Replacement GlassAt the end of a particularly severe winter, we removed the protective covers from our cabin cruiser and found that the weight of the snow had broken the windshield. I drove to the local glass shop, where I paid $110 for a replacement.The owner asked if I'd like them to install it, but I said I could handle it myself.I managed to climb up the ladder to the deck before dropping the glass. Sheepishly I returned to the shop. The owner showed no emotion as he cut the second glass.When I saw another $110 charge, I said, "I thought I might get a break on the second piece of glass.""I did give you a break," he replied."How so?" I asked."I didn't laugh, did I?" he answered.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"You know you're watching a bad presidential debate when the
topics fall into the categories 'Domestic policy,' 'Foreign
policy' and 'Burt Reynolds Films of the '70s.'"
-Dave Letterman
***
"Wal-Mart announced they're coming out with their own brand
of wine. Wal-Mart's wine comes in red or white, as well as
12- or 16-ounce cans." --Conan O'Brien
***
"During the Democratic debate last week they all talked about
conserving energy. Like keeping the thermostat down in the
winter. Using low energy bulbs. Turning off lights. Using
less gas. It made me realize, my dad was like the first envi-
ronmentalist. He would walk around the house yelling, 'turn
off those lights! Turn the heat down!' He was green before
his time." -Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent
trend towards legislation which requires the prominent
placing of warnings on products that present hazards to
the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned,
merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in
this important area. This is especially true in light of
the findings of 20th century quantum physics.
We therefore propose that the following list of warnings
appears on every product offered for sale in the United
States.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy
Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of
Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute
Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in
Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle,"
It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same
Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast
It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds
that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle
was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance
That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product
May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and
Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including
Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents
Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality,
This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That
When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product,
It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and
Undetermined State.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This
Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent
on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
American idioms don't travel well. Case in point, this email
my boss received from a Chinese businessman... "I apologize
for taking so long to get this pricing to you, but I had to
get all my ducts in the road."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
First Haircut
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I
asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my
two-year-old son for his first haircut.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Honeymoon
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Wrong Number
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Coffee Thermos
A guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss. How many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.3. I will get dressed before noon.4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Work "Experience"
Several weeks after a young man had been hired by an advertising agency, he was called into the personnel director's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
Monday, October 20, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 20th
Crime Prevention
Did you hear about the two guys who stole everything out of a house except the soap and towels? They were dirty crooks!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to one of the political candidates. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, that candidate is a 'Post Turtle'". Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'". The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know they didn't get up there by themselves, they don't belong up there, and they don't know what to do while they're up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put them up there to begin with".
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tips From the Flori-DUH Book of Manners
1.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining In Your Home
1.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
Weddings
1.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
Driving Etiquette
1.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Minnesotan Murder:
1.
All the DNA is the same.
2.
There are no dental records
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever askedyourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of investigators supposedly got together and analyzed the personalities ofwell known and modern cartoon characters. The information that wasgathered was made into this test. Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add upall your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at theend and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done .Then forward this to all your friends ( including the person who sent itto you )and change the subject of this message to what character isyou.1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.) b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)c) Painting in the park (5 pts) d) Rock concert (1 pt ) e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)2. What is your favorite type of music? a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)b) Alternative (1 pt.) c) Sofa t Rock (4 pts.) d) Country (5 pts )e) Pop (3 pts)3. What type of movies do you prefer? a) Comedy (2 pts.)b) Horror (1 pt.)c) Musical (3 pts.)d) Romance (4 pts.)e) Documentary (5 pts.) 4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only couldchoose one of these? a) Waiter (4 pts.)b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)c) Teacher (3 pts.) d) Police (2 pts.) e) Cashier (1 pt) 5 What do you do with your spare time? a) Exercise (5 pts.)b) Read (4 pts.)c) Watch television (2 pts.) d) Listen to music (1 pt.)e) Sleep (3 pts.)6. Which one of the following colors do you like best? a) Yellow (1 pt.)b) White (5 pts.)c) Sky Blue (3 pts)d) Dark Blue(2 pts.) e) Red (4 pts.)7. What do you prefer to eat?a) Snow (3 pts.)b) Pizza (2 pts.)c) Sushi (1 pt.) d) Pasta (4 pts.)e) Salad (5 pts.)8. What is your favorite holiday ?a) Halloween(1 pt)b) Christmas(3 pts.)c) New Year (2 pts.)d) Valentine's Day(4 pts.)e) Thanksgiving(5 pts.) 9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be? a) Paris (4 pts)b) Spain (5 pts)c) Las Vegas (1 pt)d) Hawaii (4 pts)e) Hollywood (3 pts)10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with? a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.) d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.0e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waitingfor! Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friendsand back to the person that sent this to you. Very interesting to see who your friends are! (10-16 points) You are Garfield :You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how tohave fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know whatyou are doing and you are always in control of your life. Other s maynot see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have todo what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit m ay hurt you orothers. (17-23 points) You are Snoopy:You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You always know what's inand you're never out of style, you are good at knowing how to satisfyeveryone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more thanonce but you always come home with the family values that you learnedBeing married and having children are important to you, but only afteryou have had your share of fun times (24-28 points) You are Elmo:You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing togive advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic andyou always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not tobe too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts inyour life. (29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friendthat anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never causeharm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Lifeis a journey, it' s funny and calm for the most part Stay away fromtraitors and jealous people and you will be stress free. (36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very seriousabout all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Momevery Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a fewBirthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality. (44-50 points ) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is frontedwith a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strongfamily principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a badsituation when it comes . Try to do less over thinking every once in awhile to spice things up a bit with spontaneity! Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! Change the subject of the email towhat you are and send it on.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Mr. Schwartz"
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".
Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.
He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."
Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Who says nothing is impossible - I've been doing nothing for years."
Did you hear about the two guys who stole everything out of a house except the soap and towels? They were dirty crooks!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to one of the political candidates. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, that candidate is a 'Post Turtle'". Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'". The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know they didn't get up there by themselves, they don't belong up there, and they don't know what to do while they're up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put them up there to begin with".
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tips From the Flori-DUH Book of Manners
1.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining In Your Home
1.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
Weddings
1.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
Driving Etiquette
1.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Minnesotan Murder:
1.
All the DNA is the same.
2.
There are no dental records
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Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever askedyourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of investigators supposedly got together and analyzed the personalities ofwell known and modern cartoon characters. The information that wasgathered was made into this test. Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add upall your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at theend and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done .Then forward this to all your friends ( including the person who sent itto you )and change the subject of this message to what character isyou.1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.) b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)c) Painting in the park (5 pts) d) Rock concert (1 pt ) e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)2. What is your favorite type of music? a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)b) Alternative (1 pt.) c) Sofa t Rock (4 pts.) d) Country (5 pts )e) Pop (3 pts)3. What type of movies do you prefer? a) Comedy (2 pts.)b) Horror (1 pt.)c) Musical (3 pts.)d) Romance (4 pts.)e) Documentary (5 pts.) 4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only couldchoose one of these? a) Waiter (4 pts.)b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)c) Teacher (3 pts.) d) Police (2 pts.) e) Cashier (1 pt) 5 What do you do with your spare time? a) Exercise (5 pts.)b) Read (4 pts.)c) Watch television (2 pts.) d) Listen to music (1 pt.)e) Sleep (3 pts.)6. Which one of the following colors do you like best? a) Yellow (1 pt.)b) White (5 pts.)c) Sky Blue (3 pts)d) Dark Blue(2 pts.) e) Red (4 pts.)7. What do you prefer to eat?a) Snow (3 pts.)b) Pizza (2 pts.)c) Sushi (1 pt.) d) Pasta (4 pts.)e) Salad (5 pts.)8. What is your favorite holiday ?a) Halloween(1 pt)b) Christmas(3 pts.)c) New Year (2 pts.)d) Valentine's Day(4 pts.)e) Thanksgiving(5 pts.) 9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be? a) Paris (4 pts)b) Spain (5 pts)c) Las Vegas (1 pt)d) Hawaii (4 pts)e) Hollywood (3 pts)10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with? a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.) d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.0e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waitingfor! Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friendsand back to the person that sent this to you. Very interesting to see who your friends are! (10-16 points) You are Garfield :You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how tohave fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know whatyou are doing and you are always in control of your life. Other s maynot see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have todo what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit m ay hurt you orothers. (17-23 points) You are Snoopy:You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You always know what's inand you're never out of style, you are good at knowing how to satisfyeveryone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more thanonce but you always come home with the family values that you learnedBeing married and having children are important to you, but only afteryou have had your share of fun times (24-28 points) You are Elmo:You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing togive advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic andyou always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not tobe too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts inyour life. (29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friendthat anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never causeharm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Lifeis a journey, it' s funny and calm for the most part Stay away fromtraitors and jealous people and you will be stress free. (36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very seriousabout all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Momevery Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a fewBirthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality. (44-50 points ) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is frontedwith a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strongfamily principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a badsituation when it comes . Try to do less over thinking every once in awhile to spice things up a bit with spontaneity! Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! Change the subject of the email towhat you are and send it on.
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"Mr. Schwartz"
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".
Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.
He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."
Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."
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Oneliner
"Who says nothing is impossible - I've been doing nothing for years."
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