Real Politics
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
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Mars
During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface. "Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man." At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut. "I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."
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Question Answered
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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Answering Machine
I purchased a telephone-answering machine with a prerecorded
message that used a male voice. When Mother returned from
vacation, I forgot to mention it to her.
The next Saturday, the phone rang and the machine answered.
After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up.
A second time and the same result. Then the phone rang a
third time. I heard, "This is your mother, I think. If I am,
please call me."
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“Weird News
Cat survives 30-mile ride under camper
HADDINGTON, Scotland (UPI) -- Veterinarians in Haddington, Scotland, said they are searching for the owners of a cat that survived a 45-minute journey clinging to the bottom of a camper. Vets at the Haddington branch of the Links Vet Group said the cat was discovered by the Muirhouse, Scotland, owner of the camper after he spotted a tail coming from beneath the front bumper after driving about 30 miles, The Scotsman reported Wednesday. The veterinarians said the cat was unharmed but frightened and covered with diesel when discovered. "When you consider how long he must have been holding on for it's pretty amazing, because that would have included going along the bypass probably at a considerable speed," veterinary nurse Jennifer Jones said. Jones said the animal hospital does not believe the cat was a stray and they are now seeking its owner.
///
Man 'lost brakes' before golf course crash
DELMONT, Pa. (UPI) -- An elderly man whose high-speed run through a Pennsylvania golf course in a sports utility vehicle ended in a fiery crash told police he had a brake problem. Paul Lazear, 82, and his four passengers were pulled out of the flaming wreckage of the SUV by golfers at Cloverleaf Golf Course in Delmont. The vehicle struck a parked golf cart and bounced off five trees before bursting into flames and coming to a rest, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported Wednesday. Police said Lazear told officers he '"lost his brakes and couldn't stop," the Posts-Gazette said. Lazear and his wife Carol, 72, were hospitalized with minor injuries and two other passengers, Ruth Daniels, 83, and Flora Lee Katz, 74, were hospitalized in moderate condition. The fifth person in the vehicle, Bertram Katz, 80, was airlifted to a hospital. Doctors said all five are expected to recover. The driver told police he had lost control of his brakes in the course's parking lot and wound up on the course.
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A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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Phone ServiceClassmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint."I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one."CTC? Who are they?""You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."
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"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,
doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates
because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that
cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you
see a guy on a ledge, about to jump... throw him a dough-
nut." --Jay Leno
***
"A woman in California is being studied because she says
she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I'm
thinking, 'Wait a minute — isn't that every woman?'"
-Dave Letterman
***
"This week a man in Florida was arrested for hitting the
manager of a Taco Bell in the face with a bag full of
Tacos. Afterwards, the Taco Bell manager said, 'It's weird,
my tacos usually don't attack me until I'm in the bathroom.'"
-Conan O'Brien
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My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of
financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to
see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized
our marriage. "With this ring..." I began romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who
had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late
in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down
on my veranda for a few hours and relax.
In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad,
fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon
boating or playing golf or tennis...
When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the
finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my
veranda again."
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be
envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She
asked, "What's his wife's name?"
Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 12th
God the Parent
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam asked. "Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied. "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Where?" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
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What $2 Can Buy
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?" "A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation. "Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?" "Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."
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Quickie Q&A
Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow! I'm learning ancient history?So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
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Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity . 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don ' t Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5.. < /SPAN>Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8 . Don ' t use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don ' t Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can ' t Attend Their Party Because You ' re Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Na me, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They ' re Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ....... therapy
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Broken
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, "There's plenty of time left!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Penthouse in Heaven
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment. The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge. Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer. "A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important." "With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"
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"It's autumn in New York. You can tell too. Today I saw a
sidewalk vendor putting anti-freeze in the hot dog water."
--Dave Letterman
***
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has
Internet access and allows users to search the Internet
while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a
rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien
***
"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three
branches of government. Well, that's because the three
stooges are more likely to get something done."
-David Letterman
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Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.
Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward
questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets
old, fat and wrinkly."
"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of
course I DO...'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was
carrying a very long pole.
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The federal government... announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their (butts) with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher "Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno "The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'" --Conan O'Brien "So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom." --Jimmy Kimmel "Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000" --Seth Meyers "Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler "The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher "To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno "Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be." --Conan O'Brien "Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel "A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam asked. "Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied. "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Where?" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
What $2 Can Buy
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?" "A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation. "Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?" "Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Quickie Q&A
Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow! I'm learning ancient history?So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity . 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don ' t Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5.. < /SPAN>Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8 . Don ' t use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don ' t Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can ' t Attend Their Party Because You ' re Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Na me, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They ' re Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ....... therapy
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Broken
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, "There's plenty of time left!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Penthouse in Heaven
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment. The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge. Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer. "A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important." "With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"It's autumn in New York. You can tell too. Today I saw a
sidewalk vendor putting anti-freeze in the hot dog water."
--Dave Letterman
***
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has
Internet access and allows users to search the Internet
while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a
rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien
***
"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three
branches of government. Well, that's because the three
stooges are more likely to get something done."
-David Letterman
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.
Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward
questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets
old, fat and wrinkly."
"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of
course I DO...'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was
carrying a very long pole.
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The federal government... announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their (butts) with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher "Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno "The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'" --Conan O'Brien "So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom." --Jimmy Kimmel "Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000" --Seth Meyers "Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler "The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher "To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno "Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be." --Conan O'Brien "Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel "A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler
Saturday, October 11, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 11th
I like this concept. .. "A MUST READ"
I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.
Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend. To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00. My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a Dividend, We Deserve It.Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.A husband and wife has $595,000.00.What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.Repay college loans - what a great boost to new gradsPut away money for college - it'll be thereSave in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.Buy a new car - create jobsInvest in the market - capital drives growthPay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improvesEnable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or elseRemember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive that is being proposedby one of our candidates for President.If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult US Citizen 18+!As for AIG - liquidate it.Sell off its parts.Let American General go back to being American General.Sell off the real estate.Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work."But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!How do you spell Economic Boom?I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.And remember, The Family plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.Kindest personal regards, , A Creative Guy & Citizen of the RepublicPS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it's either good for a laugh or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bidding Higher
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
For CFCC Students
Start Worrying When... You consider McDonalds 'real food'. 4.00AM is still early on weekends. You'd rather clean than study. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. Re-arranging your room is your favorite pastime. You schedule classes around sleep and TV soaps. There is less then $4.50 in your bank account at any given time. The Visa cards are full and the overdraft is up to its limit. Computer solitaire is more than a game, its a way of life. You get excited when you find change that someone carelessly left in the drinks machine.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Read Aloud
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him. Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside." "What does she read?" asks Morris. "My life insurance policy."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Speeder
A Police Officer Pulls over a speeder and walks up to the driver. The driver says "I'm late for work Officer, I'm sorry I was speeding" The cop says, "Late for work are you ... well, I'll write you a late note."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Repairing the Washing Machine
My wife and I were newly married and I was trying to impress
her with my technical expertise.
I was trying to repair our washing machine but was unable to
determine where a loose wire belonged. After working at it
for several minutes, I decided to consult the experts.
I took the wire along with all the details (model, serial
number, etc.) of my machine to a local repair shop. I
explained my situation to the technician, who looked at the
wire for several minutes. He said he thought it looked
familiar, but he couldn't tell me where it belonged either.
Taking the wire, he said he would have to consult with some
colleagues who were working in the back.
After several minutes, he reemerged with the wire in hand.
He said they decided the mystery wire had nothing to do with
the operation of my washing machine. It was the underwire
from one of my wife's bras.
I'm sure the technicians in the shop had a nice laugh at my
expense. I was still red-faced and embarrassed when I
returned home to tell my wife about my discovery.
And she hasn't stopped laughing yet!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
NFL Political Correctness
The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced yesterday its name changes for the upcoming season, as well as the first week's schedule that includes:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Vertically Gifted People on opening day.
Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
There are several key match ups, highlighted by the show down between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.
The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.
The Cincinnati Large Carnivorous Mammals from Bangladesh will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters.
And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.
Also featured, are the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Long LineThere she stood in the line at the post office, a line that wound its way almost out the front door.A fellow customer spoke to the elderly lady waiting to buy some stamps. "Ma'am, you must be very tired. Did you know there's a stamp machine over there in the corner?" He pointed to the machine built into the wall."Why yes, thank you," the lady replied, "but I'll just wait here a little while longer. I'm getting close to the window."The customer became insistent. "But it would be so much easier for you to avoid this long line and buy your stamps from the machine."The woman patted him on the arm and answered, "Oh, I know. But that old machine would never ask me how my grandchildren are doing."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Sports Car Dreams
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.
Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend. To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00. My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a Dividend, We Deserve It.Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.A husband and wife has $595,000.00.What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.Repay college loans - what a great boost to new gradsPut away money for college - it'll be thereSave in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.Buy a new car - create jobsInvest in the market - capital drives growthPay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improvesEnable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or elseRemember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive that is being proposedby one of our candidates for President.If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult US Citizen 18+!As for AIG - liquidate it.Sell off its parts.Let American General go back to being American General.Sell off the real estate.Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work."But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!How do you spell Economic Boom?I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.And remember, The Family plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.Kindest personal regards, , A Creative Guy & Citizen of the RepublicPS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it's either good for a laugh or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bidding Higher
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
For CFCC Students
Start Worrying When... You consider McDonalds 'real food'. 4.00AM is still early on weekends. You'd rather clean than study. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. Re-arranging your room is your favorite pastime. You schedule classes around sleep and TV soaps. There is less then $4.50 in your bank account at any given time. The Visa cards are full and the overdraft is up to its limit. Computer solitaire is more than a game, its a way of life. You get excited when you find change that someone carelessly left in the drinks machine.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Read Aloud
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him. Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside." "What does she read?" asks Morris. "My life insurance policy."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Speeder
A Police Officer Pulls over a speeder and walks up to the driver. The driver says "I'm late for work Officer, I'm sorry I was speeding" The cop says, "Late for work are you ... well, I'll write you a late note."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Repairing the Washing Machine
My wife and I were newly married and I was trying to impress
her with my technical expertise.
I was trying to repair our washing machine but was unable to
determine where a loose wire belonged. After working at it
for several minutes, I decided to consult the experts.
I took the wire along with all the details (model, serial
number, etc.) of my machine to a local repair shop. I
explained my situation to the technician, who looked at the
wire for several minutes. He said he thought it looked
familiar, but he couldn't tell me where it belonged either.
Taking the wire, he said he would have to consult with some
colleagues who were working in the back.
After several minutes, he reemerged with the wire in hand.
He said they decided the mystery wire had nothing to do with
the operation of my washing machine. It was the underwire
from one of my wife's bras.
I'm sure the technicians in the shop had a nice laugh at my
expense. I was still red-faced and embarrassed when I
returned home to tell my wife about my discovery.
And she hasn't stopped laughing yet!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
NFL Political Correctness
The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced yesterday its name changes for the upcoming season, as well as the first week's schedule that includes:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Vertically Gifted People on opening day.
Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
There are several key match ups, highlighted by the show down between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.
The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.
The Cincinnati Large Carnivorous Mammals from Bangladesh will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters.
And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.
Also featured, are the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Long LineThere she stood in the line at the post office, a line that wound its way almost out the front door.A fellow customer spoke to the elderly lady waiting to buy some stamps. "Ma'am, you must be very tired. Did you know there's a stamp machine over there in the corner?" He pointed to the machine built into the wall."Why yes, thank you," the lady replied, "but I'll just wait here a little while longer. I'm getting close to the window."The customer became insistent. "But it would be so much easier for you to avoid this long line and buy your stamps from the machine."The woman patted him on the arm and answered, "Oh, I know. But that old machine would never ask me how my grandchildren are doing."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Sports Car Dreams
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
Friday, October 10, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 10th
Motorcycle Ride
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons. Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened. The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?" The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Professional Aspirations
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Class ReunionI was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her."I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I'd never run for president. I've thought about it, and
the only reason I'm not is that I'm scared no woman would
come forward and say she had an affair with me."
--Garry Shandling
***
"Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money,
they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor,
they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given
them too much money." --George Carlin
***
"Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is
developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on
your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine
Dead in Interstate Pileup.'" --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One
lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading
mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work
shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse me," I ventured, "your
sleeve is in the mayo."
"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
After I asked for a half-pound salmon fillet at my super-
market's seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile
and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely eight ounces.
Impressed, I asked, "How did you know?"
Looking pleased with himself, he declared, "I'm psychotic."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bravest of the Brave
Top brass from the Army, Navy, and Marine Corps were arguing
about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the
dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.
The Army general called a private over and ordered him to
climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The
Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands and
salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish
the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute
smartly, and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and
landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the Army and
Navy men had done, but in full battle gear, with pack filled
with bricks and loaded weapon carried high. He took one look
at the Marine general and said, "You're out of your mind,
sir!"
The Marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S
guts!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Phone Call
A young boy answers the phone. A man says, "Hello is your dad around?" The boy whispers, "Yes." The man then asks if he can talk to him. "He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers. "Then is your mom there?" "Yes" the boy whispers. "Can I talk to her?" "No, she's busy," the boy whispers. "Is there anyone else there?" "Yes" whispered the boy. "Who?" the man asked. "A policeman," came the whispered reply. "Well, can I talk to him?" "He's busy too," the boy whispered. "Is there anyone else there then?" "Yes" whispered the boy. "Who then?" the man asked. "A fireman," the boy whispered. "Can I talk to him?" "No," the boy whispered, "he's busy." Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing. "Looking for me." the boy whispered.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Swimming Lesson
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..." "This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my kid sister will appreciate it." "Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Insurance
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up. "Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?" "Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Ski Trip
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Always Right
Frustrated at always being corrected by her husband, my aunt decided the next time it happened, she would have a comeback.
That moment finally arrived, and she was ready. "You know," she challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day!"
My uncle looked at her and replied, "Twice."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
TenseAn English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?""Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... ???"
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons. Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened. The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?" The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Professional Aspirations
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Class ReunionI was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her."I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I'd never run for president. I've thought about it, and
the only reason I'm not is that I'm scared no woman would
come forward and say she had an affair with me."
--Garry Shandling
***
"Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money,
they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor,
they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given
them too much money." --George Carlin
***
"Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is
developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on
your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine
Dead in Interstate Pileup.'" --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One
lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading
mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work
shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse me," I ventured, "your
sleeve is in the mayo."
"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
After I asked for a half-pound salmon fillet at my super-
market's seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile
and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely eight ounces.
Impressed, I asked, "How did you know?"
Looking pleased with himself, he declared, "I'm psychotic."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bravest of the Brave
Top brass from the Army, Navy, and Marine Corps were arguing
about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the
dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.
The Army general called a private over and ordered him to
climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The
Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands and
salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish
the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute
smartly, and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and
landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the Army and
Navy men had done, but in full battle gear, with pack filled
with bricks and loaded weapon carried high. He took one look
at the Marine general and said, "You're out of your mind,
sir!"
The Marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S
guts!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Phone Call
A young boy answers the phone. A man says, "Hello is your dad around?" The boy whispers, "Yes." The man then asks if he can talk to him. "He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers. "Then is your mom there?" "Yes" the boy whispers. "Can I talk to her?" "No, she's busy," the boy whispers. "Is there anyone else there?" "Yes" whispered the boy. "Who?" the man asked. "A policeman," came the whispered reply. "Well, can I talk to him?" "He's busy too," the boy whispered. "Is there anyone else there then?" "Yes" whispered the boy. "Who then?" the man asked. "A fireman," the boy whispered. "Can I talk to him?" "No," the boy whispered, "he's busy." Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing. "Looking for me." the boy whispered.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Swimming Lesson
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..." "This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my kid sister will appreciate it." "Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Insurance
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up. "Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?" "Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Ski Trip
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Always Right
Frustrated at always being corrected by her husband, my aunt decided the next time it happened, she would have a comeback.
That moment finally arrived, and she was ready. "You know," she challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day!"
My uncle looked at her and replied, "Twice."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
TenseAn English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?""Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... ???"
Thursday, October 09, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 9th
Sick Leave
I really needed a few days off from work, but I knew the
boss wouldn't give me time off. I thought that maybe if I
acted "crazy," then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny
noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her
that I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss might
think I was desperately in need of a few days off.
A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and
asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and rest for a couple of days." I
jumped down and walked out of the office.
However, when my co-worker started to follow me, our boss
called out, "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Suspended PracticeSuspicious delay on football fieldsee also Sports Section
Winnipeg Blue Bomber football practice was delayed on Sunday for nearly two hours at Canada Inns Stadium. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the field. The head coach immediately suspended practice while the RCMP were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the RCMP determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the RCMP decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Life ObservationsHow to tell who the sucker is...see also Relationships SectionLife's Little SecretsLife's ReflectionsLife Sucks
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.2. Some people are like a Slinky, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that's not going to happen.”4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day... lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?15. You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.16. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.17. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.18. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs, then you lean too far and you almost fall over backwards but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.19. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait two and half months for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you had come to me sooner.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Great Lines by Soccer Commentators
Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.
If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dog GroomingA friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged. "I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the
works. Today, Congress declared, 'The days of getting money
just for the asking, are over.' Then, they asked for $700
billion." -Jay Leno
***
"The past several days, President Bush has been speaking
out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter
asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset
and said, 'Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'"
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin presented an award last
night. It's great to see that grizzled old timer still get
the laughs. And Rickles is funny, too." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both
wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange
comments and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child
stared with amazement at my father. She finally got the
courage to ask, "Are you a genie?"
Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and
decided to humor the child.
He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."
The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both
wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange
comments and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child
stared with amazement at my father. She finally got the
courage to ask, "Are you a genie?"
Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and
decided to humor the child.
He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."
The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Las Vegas Churches
This may come as a surprise to those not living in Las
Vegas, but it is a very spiritual city, with more Catholic
churches than casinos!
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will
give casino chips rather than cash when the donation tray is
passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the
churches have devised a method of turning the chips into
cash.
They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan
monastery, where the patient and detail-oriented men sort
and count the chips. The chips are then taken to the casinos
of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming, did you?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Getting Gray?
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids
It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter. Dogs cannot lie. Dogs never resist nap time. You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog. Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid. Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes. Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old. Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public. Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42 Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000
I really needed a few days off from work, but I knew the
boss wouldn't give me time off. I thought that maybe if I
acted "crazy," then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny
noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her
that I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss might
think I was desperately in need of a few days off.
A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and
asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and rest for a couple of days." I
jumped down and walked out of the office.
However, when my co-worker started to follow me, our boss
called out, "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Suspended PracticeSuspicious delay on football fieldsee also Sports Section
Winnipeg Blue Bomber football practice was delayed on Sunday for nearly two hours at Canada Inns Stadium. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the field. The head coach immediately suspended practice while the RCMP were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the RCMP determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the RCMP decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Life ObservationsHow to tell who the sucker is...see also Relationships SectionLife's Little SecretsLife's ReflectionsLife Sucks
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.2. Some people are like a Slinky, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that's not going to happen.”4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day... lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?15. You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.16. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.17. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.18. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs, then you lean too far and you almost fall over backwards but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.19. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait two and half months for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you had come to me sooner.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Great Lines by Soccer Commentators
Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.
If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dog GroomingA friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged. "I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the
works. Today, Congress declared, 'The days of getting money
just for the asking, are over.' Then, they asked for $700
billion." -Jay Leno
***
"The past several days, President Bush has been speaking
out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter
asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset
and said, 'Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'"
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin presented an award last
night. It's great to see that grizzled old timer still get
the laughs. And Rickles is funny, too." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both
wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange
comments and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child
stared with amazement at my father. She finally got the
courage to ask, "Are you a genie?"
Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and
decided to humor the child.
He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."
The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My father and I belong to the religion of Sikhism. We both
wear the traditional turban and often encounter strange
comments and questions. Once, in a restaurant, a child
stared with amazement at my father. She finally got the
courage to ask, "Are you a genie?"
Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and
apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and
decided to humor the child.
He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."
The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Las Vegas Churches
This may come as a surprise to those not living in Las
Vegas, but it is a very spiritual city, with more Catholic
churches than casinos!
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will
give casino chips rather than cash when the donation tray is
passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the
churches have devised a method of turning the chips into
cash.
They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan
monastery, where the patient and detail-oriented men sort
and count the chips. The chips are then taken to the casinos
of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming, did you?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Getting Gray?
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids
It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter. Dogs cannot lie. Dogs never resist nap time. You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog. Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid. Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes. Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old. Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public. Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42 Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 8th
"In an effort to promote healthy eating McDonald's has
decided to stop offering supersized fries and drinks. The
odd part is that you can still get a bacon milkshake."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"The government had to bail out two huge companies, and
today they strongly hinted that they'd bail out others...
at taxpayers' expense of course. It's all part of a new
approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are
taking — it's called socialism." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. I saw a Drew Carey
game there. You know you've made it when there's a game
named after you. It was called The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet."
-Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning
when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash. As she
nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of
coins in the back of the register. "Do you want the rolls
too?" she asked.
"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when
you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I
could not please any of them.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Extremely Old
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Power Lesson"
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
FREE ONE DOLLAR BILLS! Please send $4.95 to cover postage & handling- limit 1 per order.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Synthetic Diamond"
An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Lawyer Jury”
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 p.m.and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Picture MenuI stopped at the local Burger King for a cold soda and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course I asked how such a customer would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic,"Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Vice President Dick Cheney visited Saudi Arabia over the
weekend, and he's very popular in Saudi Arabia, over there
he's known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman
***
"Here's an interesting statistic - according to "Cosmo",
over 30 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 34 still
live with their parents. These men are known as "Star Wars"
fans." --Jay Leno
***
"According to a national organization that studies obesity,
nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third
of the country. In other words, geographically, America has
a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while
I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a
red light without stopping. I told him that he had auto-
matically failed the test. We met up with his mother back
at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first
she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran
a red light?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine
when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order.
I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink
called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd
never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it
up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back
and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if
he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the
customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"
He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said,
pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Class Pictures
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Managerium
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice- neutrons all going round in circles. Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Quick Funny
Q: Did you hear about the unique platypus? A: He was unlike all the otters.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Frog Noise, please
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
decided to stop offering supersized fries and drinks. The
odd part is that you can still get a bacon milkshake."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"The government had to bail out two huge companies, and
today they strongly hinted that they'd bail out others...
at taxpayers' expense of course. It's all part of a new
approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are
taking — it's called socialism." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I was in Las Vegas this past weekend. I saw a Drew Carey
game there. You know you've made it when there's a game
named after you. It was called The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet."
-Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning
when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash. As she
nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of
coins in the back of the register. "Do you want the rolls
too?" she asked.
"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when
you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I
could not please any of them.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Extremely Old
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Power Lesson"
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
FREE ONE DOLLAR BILLS! Please send $4.95 to cover postage & handling- limit 1 per order.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Synthetic Diamond"
An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Lawyer Jury”
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 p.m.and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Picture MenuI stopped at the local Burger King for a cold soda and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course I asked how such a customer would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic,"Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Vice President Dick Cheney visited Saudi Arabia over the
weekend, and he's very popular in Saudi Arabia, over there
he's known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman
***
"Here's an interesting statistic - according to "Cosmo",
over 30 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 34 still
live with their parents. These men are known as "Star Wars"
fans." --Jay Leno
***
"According to a national organization that studies obesity,
nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third
of the country. In other words, geographically, America has
a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien
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I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while
I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a
red light without stopping. I told him that he had auto-
matically failed the test. We met up with his mother back
at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first
she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran
a red light?"
"Yes," I replied.
"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"
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I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine
when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order.
I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink
called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd
never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it
up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back
and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if
he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the
customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"
He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said,
pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Class Pictures
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
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Managerium
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice- neutrons all going round in circles. Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
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Quick Funny
Q: Did you hear about the unique platypus? A: He was unlike all the otters.
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Frog Noise, please
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
hUJMOR For Oct 7th
Getting Old...
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th. "I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
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Barbecue?
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...
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Multiple Choice
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
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Twins
Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant. The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"
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Scenery
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery. "Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
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Patience
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."
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School Lunch
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Personnel
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips from Late Night
"I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show that is! Did you see Sarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson? Did you all watch that? In fact, John McCain was watching it at home, and at one point, he turned to his wife and said, 'She looks really familiar.'" --Jay Leno "The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'" --Conan O'Brien "I mean, look how she handles Geppetto here from the Folksy Wood Carver network [on screen: Palin's interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson. In this segment, he asks her about the Bush doctrine]. Yeah, whatever, Charlie. Do you know what the Bush doctrine is? I don't think Bush knows what the Bush doctrine is. The point is this, she doesn't need to know the Bush doctrine. She is the Bush doctrine. Her foreign policy experience consists of being able to see Russia from an island in Alaska. And a refueling layover in Ireland. Now that might give some people who are asked to be vice president, pause. But we have a word for those kinds of people. Communists [on screen: Palin saying she didn't blink when accepting the vice presidential slot]. Total certainty would be such a refreshing change of pace in the White House." --Jon Stewart "For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.'" --Jay Leno "On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan." --Conan O'Brien "Now, of course, we all know that John McCain has said that as governor, Sarah Palin requested no earmarks. It turns out it's almost true. The senator was only off by $453 million [on screen: Gibson outlining Palin's earmark requests, including $2 million to learn more about crab mating habits]." Jon Stewart "And despite all the animosity in this campaign, you know, John McCain and Joe Biden are actually old friends from the Senate. They've been friends for years. In fact, they go back so far that when they first met, McCain had hair, and Joe Biden didn't." --Jay Leno "This weekend in New York City, gays and lesbians staged a protest, demanding the right to get married. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, now gays want to marry lesbians?'" --Conan O'Brien
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Cooking Woes
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Life's Crazy Rules
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money. * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five. * Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it. * Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
25 Things Worth Thinking About
1) Give God what's RIGHT -- not what's LEFT.
2) Man's way leads to hopeless end; God's way leads to
endless hope.
3) A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4) He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5) In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma, but
never let him be the period.
6) Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7) Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a
faith-lift.
8) When praying, don't give God instructions -- just report
for duty.
9) Don't wait for six strong men to take you to the church.
10) We don't change God's message; His message changes us.
11) All churches should be prayer-conditioned.
12) When God ordains, He sustains.
13) WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14) Plan ahead -- it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15) Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory
position.
16) Suffering from truth decay? Brush up with your Bible on
a daily basis.
17) Exercise daily! Walk with the Lord.
18) Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to
drive.
19) Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20) Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps
coming back.
21) He who angers you controls you.
22) Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23) Give Satan an inch, and he'll be a ruler.
24) Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them, and God will
clean them.
25) God does not call the qualified; he qualifies the
called.
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th. "I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Barbecue?
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Multiple Choice
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Twins
Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant. The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Scenery
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery. "Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Patience
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
School Lunch
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Personnel
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Recent Quips from Late Night
"I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show that is! Did you see Sarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson? Did you all watch that? In fact, John McCain was watching it at home, and at one point, he turned to his wife and said, 'She looks really familiar.'" --Jay Leno "The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'" --Conan O'Brien "I mean, look how she handles Geppetto here from the Folksy Wood Carver network [on screen: Palin's interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson. In this segment, he asks her about the Bush doctrine]. Yeah, whatever, Charlie. Do you know what the Bush doctrine is? I don't think Bush knows what the Bush doctrine is. The point is this, she doesn't need to know the Bush doctrine. She is the Bush doctrine. Her foreign policy experience consists of being able to see Russia from an island in Alaska. And a refueling layover in Ireland. Now that might give some people who are asked to be vice president, pause. But we have a word for those kinds of people. Communists [on screen: Palin saying she didn't blink when accepting the vice presidential slot]. Total certainty would be such a refreshing change of pace in the White House." --Jon Stewart "For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.'" --Jay Leno "On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan." --Conan O'Brien "Now, of course, we all know that John McCain has said that as governor, Sarah Palin requested no earmarks. It turns out it's almost true. The senator was only off by $453 million [on screen: Gibson outlining Palin's earmark requests, including $2 million to learn more about crab mating habits]." Jon Stewart "And despite all the animosity in this campaign, you know, John McCain and Joe Biden are actually old friends from the Senate. They've been friends for years. In fact, they go back so far that when they first met, McCain had hair, and Joe Biden didn't." --Jay Leno "This weekend in New York City, gays and lesbians staged a protest, demanding the right to get married. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, now gays want to marry lesbians?'" --Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cooking Woes
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Life's Crazy Rules
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money. * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five. * Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it. * Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
25 Things Worth Thinking About
1) Give God what's RIGHT -- not what's LEFT.
2) Man's way leads to hopeless end; God's way leads to
endless hope.
3) A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4) He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5) In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma, but
never let him be the period.
6) Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7) Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a
faith-lift.
8) When praying, don't give God instructions -- just report
for duty.
9) Don't wait for six strong men to take you to the church.
10) We don't change God's message; His message changes us.
11) All churches should be prayer-conditioned.
12) When God ordains, He sustains.
13) WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14) Plan ahead -- it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15) Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory
position.
16) Suffering from truth decay? Brush up with your Bible on
a daily basis.
17) Exercise daily! Walk with the Lord.
18) Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to
drive.
19) Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20) Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps
coming back.
21) He who angers you controls you.
22) Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23) Give Satan an inch, and he'll be a ruler.
24) Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them, and God will
clean them.
25) God does not call the qualified; he qualifies the
called.
Monday, October 06, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 6th
Wife Finder
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "Excuse me, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" asked the woman.
"Because every time I get close to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"More facts surfacing about Sarah Palin's background every
day. Sarah Palin's father says that they shoot 90 percent of
the meat their family eats. The other 10 percent they hit
with their pick-up truck." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The stock market crashed again today. As happens in times
of financial crises, the price of gold has skyrocketed. By
the time the market closed yesterday, the value of Flavor
Flav's mouth doubled." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"A new study found that screeners at L.A. International
Airport missed 75 percent of the big bombs that were sent
through the line as tests. However, they did confiscate
100 percent of people's water bottles which forced them to
buy new ones at the airport gift shop." -Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
We all fail sometimes. But there's something about failing
with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders
from the most clueless - and inventive - of students.
* Classical Studies *
Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin
* Biology *
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie
* Classical Studies *
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones
* Biology *
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death
* Biology *
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television
* Religious Studies *
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony
* Physics *
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil
fuels.
Answer: Fire
* Geography *
Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar
* Geography *
Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which
country?
Answer: Malaria
* Geography *
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse
* History *
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence
signed?
Answer: At the bottom.
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A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed,
great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly
of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks
into an upscale cocktail lounge.
To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking
lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So
tell me, do I come here often?"
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Roll CallI remember standing at quarters one morning while stationed aboard ship. Lieutenant Montgomery was doing the muster."JACKSON?""Here!""KIBBEY?""Yo.""STEPHENS?""Present, sir.""SEEBACK?"Nothing."SEEBACK?!"Still nothing."SEEBACK!!!!"As the division Chief I whispered into the Lieutenant's ear, "Sir, turn the paper over."
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Telling Stories
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
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Beautiful
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
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Learning Psalms
A Sunday School teacher decided to have his second grade class learn Psalm 23, one of the most quoted texts from the Holy Bible. She gave the kids a month to memorize the whole chapter. One of the boys was really excited about it, but he simply couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced hard, he could hardly get past the first few lines. So the day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the school board and that boy was nervous. When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
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Hourly Rate
Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers): Hourly rate: $10.50 Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50 Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50 Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
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CD Sleeves
My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder
with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to
her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should
not leave the holder in the sun.
During our home addition, the electrician was working in the
backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving
her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and
told Lili she was going to put it in the house.
Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you
put it where the sun doesn't shine!"
The electrician took a break.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Twin cops save jogger's life
CHESAPEAKE, Va. (UPI) -- Twin brothers who serve as police officers in adjoining Virginia towns joined forces to save the life of a jogger who collapsed on the city line. The brothers were on the phone with each other Monday morning when Justin Bowman got a call about a medical emergency in Chesapeake, the Newport News Daily Press reported. When the location was changed to Virginia Beach, he alerted his brother, Brandon, and the two officers both went to the scene, where they found a man unconscious and not breathing. Dorienne Boykin, a Chesapeake police spokeswoman, said Justin performed CPR and Brandon used an external defibrillator. By the time an ambulance arrived, the man had a pulse and was breathing. Both brothers have been police officers for three years. "What are the chances that we'd be 30 seconds away from where it happened, have the right equipment and know what we're doing?" Justin Bowman told The Virginian-Pilot. "And I handled the situation with my bro."
///
Tomato mania takes over yard
WINNETKA, Calif. (UPI) -- A Southern California man who harvested almost 11,000 pounds of tomatoes last year is going for 15,000 this year. Bill Anderson and his wife, Christine Griego, grow their plants on less than a quarter acre in Winnetka, the Los Angeles Times reported Tuesday. Most of the yard is devoted to tomatoes, although they also have a few roses. Anderson keeps meticulous track of his harvest with daily records of how many tomatoes he picks and what varieties they are. Scott Daigre, a landscape designer, runs the Tomatomania seedling sales, where Anderson volunteered this year. "If you think that growing backyard tomatoes is just that, you're missing the point," he told the Times. "It's a search for the past, a romantic search for a memory, a hope of reliving a childhood experience, a great dinner."
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Engine TroubleA friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location.""I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?""I-75, two miles south of Standish."A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "Excuse me, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" asked the woman.
"Because every time I get close to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"More facts surfacing about Sarah Palin's background every
day. Sarah Palin's father says that they shoot 90 percent of
the meat their family eats. The other 10 percent they hit
with their pick-up truck." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The stock market crashed again today. As happens in times
of financial crises, the price of gold has skyrocketed. By
the time the market closed yesterday, the value of Flavor
Flav's mouth doubled." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"A new study found that screeners at L.A. International
Airport missed 75 percent of the big bombs that were sent
through the line as tests. However, they did confiscate
100 percent of people's water bottles which forced them to
buy new ones at the airport gift shop." -Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
We all fail sometimes. But there's something about failing
with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders
from the most clueless - and inventive - of students.
* Classical Studies *
Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin
* Biology *
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie
* Classical Studies *
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones
* Biology *
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death
* Biology *
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television
* Religious Studies *
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony
* Physics *
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil
fuels.
Answer: Fire
* Geography *
Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar
* Geography *
Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which
country?
Answer: Malaria
* Geography *
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse
* History *
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence
signed?
Answer: At the bottom.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed,
great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly
of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks
into an upscale cocktail lounge.
To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking
lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So
tell me, do I come here often?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Roll CallI remember standing at quarters one morning while stationed aboard ship. Lieutenant Montgomery was doing the muster."JACKSON?""Here!""KIBBEY?""Yo.""STEPHENS?""Present, sir.""SEEBACK?"Nothing."SEEBACK?!"Still nothing."SEEBACK!!!!"As the division Chief I whispered into the Lieutenant's ear, "Sir, turn the paper over."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Telling Stories
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Beautiful
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Learning Psalms
A Sunday School teacher decided to have his second grade class learn Psalm 23, one of the most quoted texts from the Holy Bible. She gave the kids a month to memorize the whole chapter. One of the boys was really excited about it, but he simply couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced hard, he could hardly get past the first few lines. So the day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the school board and that boy was nervous. When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Hourly Rate
Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers): Hourly rate: $10.50 Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50 Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50 Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CD Sleeves
My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder
with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to
her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should
not leave the holder in the sun.
During our home addition, the electrician was working in the
backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving
her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and
told Lili she was going to put it in the house.
Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you
put it where the sun doesn't shine!"
The electrician took a break.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Twin cops save jogger's life
CHESAPEAKE, Va. (UPI) -- Twin brothers who serve as police officers in adjoining Virginia towns joined forces to save the life of a jogger who collapsed on the city line. The brothers were on the phone with each other Monday morning when Justin Bowman got a call about a medical emergency in Chesapeake, the Newport News Daily Press reported. When the location was changed to Virginia Beach, he alerted his brother, Brandon, and the two officers both went to the scene, where they found a man unconscious and not breathing. Dorienne Boykin, a Chesapeake police spokeswoman, said Justin performed CPR and Brandon used an external defibrillator. By the time an ambulance arrived, the man had a pulse and was breathing. Both brothers have been police officers for three years. "What are the chances that we'd be 30 seconds away from where it happened, have the right equipment and know what we're doing?" Justin Bowman told The Virginian-Pilot. "And I handled the situation with my bro."
///
Tomato mania takes over yard
WINNETKA, Calif. (UPI) -- A Southern California man who harvested almost 11,000 pounds of tomatoes last year is going for 15,000 this year. Bill Anderson and his wife, Christine Griego, grow their plants on less than a quarter acre in Winnetka, the Los Angeles Times reported Tuesday. Most of the yard is devoted to tomatoes, although they also have a few roses. Anderson keeps meticulous track of his harvest with daily records of how many tomatoes he picks and what varieties they are. Scott Daigre, a landscape designer, runs the Tomatomania seedling sales, where Anderson volunteered this year. "If you think that growing backyard tomatoes is just that, you're missing the point," he told the Times. "It's a search for the past, a romantic search for a memory, a hope of reliving a childhood experience, a great dinner."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Engine TroubleA friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location.""I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?""I-75, two miles south of Standish."A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"
Sunday, October 05, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 5th
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to
explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before
deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was
talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory
to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up
mainly? Chain-link?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed
him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my
Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your
policy was 'forgive and forget.'"
"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and
forgotten."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can
learn no other way." - Mark Twain
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
New Year's DinnerAs in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing."See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Speeding
A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph! The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?" The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that." The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?" The man replied, "I don't have one officer." "Of course you do," said the policeman. "No sir, I don't," said the man. "So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman. "This is not my car, I stole it," said the man. "You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman. "Yes I'm afraid so sir," Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to." The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun." "Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic. "So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!" "Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk." "WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?" "Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated. "Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don't move, don't even breathe." So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!" He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said. "I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman. "I'll be right there," said the chief. In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine. The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?" "Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket. Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?" "Yes," said the man. "Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief. The man leaned over to open the glove compartment. "Please don't open it sir!" said the chief. "Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration." "I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there." "Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy. "Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment." "Yes," said the man, "And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief. "BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?" "Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk." "The lying fool," said the man, "I'll bet he said I was speeding, too!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Move to Strike
A man in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are Bullies!" A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I move to STRIKE!" The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?" The second guy responded "No, I'm a BULLY!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Tax Season
Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked. "My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base." "You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need." "I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
You Think Your Job's Bad?
Try one of these on for size! -Nuclear Warhead Sensitivity Technician -Circus Elephant Clean Up Specialist -Rotten Sardine Taste Detector -Assistant To The Boss's Nephew -Shark Baiter -Hurricane Photographer -Director Of Public Relations, Chernobyl Nuclear Facility -Prison Glee Club President -Road Kill Removal Crew
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jesus Is Watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of crazy people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.
explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before
deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was
talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory
to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up
mainly? Chain-link?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed
him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my
Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your
policy was 'forgive and forget.'"
"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and
forgotten."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can
learn no other way." - Mark Twain
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
New Year's DinnerAs in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing."See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Speeding
A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph! The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?" The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that." The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?" The man replied, "I don't have one officer." "Of course you do," said the policeman. "No sir, I don't," said the man. "So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman. "This is not my car, I stole it," said the man. "You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman. "Yes I'm afraid so sir," Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to." The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun." "Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic. "So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!" "Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk." "WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?" "Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated. "Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don't move, don't even breathe." So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!" He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said. "I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman. "I'll be right there," said the chief. In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine. The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?" "Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket. Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?" "Yes," said the man. "Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief. The man leaned over to open the glove compartment. "Please don't open it sir!" said the chief. "Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration." "I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there." "Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy. "Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment." "Yes," said the man, "And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief. "BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?" "Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk." "The lying fool," said the man, "I'll bet he said I was speeding, too!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Move to Strike
A man in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are Bullies!" A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I move to STRIKE!" The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?" The second guy responded "No, I'm a BULLY!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Tax Season
Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked. "My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base." "You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need." "I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
You Think Your Job's Bad?
Try one of these on for size! -Nuclear Warhead Sensitivity Technician -Circus Elephant Clean Up Specialist -Rotten Sardine Taste Detector -Assistant To The Boss's Nephew -Shark Baiter -Hurricane Photographer -Director Of Public Relations, Chernobyl Nuclear Facility -Prison Glee Club President -Road Kill Removal Crew
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jesus Is Watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of crazy people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
hUMOR For Oct 4th
Important Legal Terminology
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Getting a Promotion
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest. "O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Drugs
I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that dope gone yet?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Abbott & Costello on Computers
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and
I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What
do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
just say I'm sitting at my computer and I wan t to type a
proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't
start with some straight answers. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How
much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" ...
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Dog dials 911 to get help for owner
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. (UPI) -- Police say a service dog trained to use the phone called 911 and got help when its Scottsdale, Ariz., owner suffered a serious seizure. Buddy, an 18-month-old German shepherd, used his teeth to press programmed buttons until a 911 dispatcher came on the line, The Arizona Republic reported. Buddy can be heard whimpering in a recording of the call placed Wednesday from the home of Joe Stalnaker, who suffers seizures from injuries received during military service, the Republic said. Buddy was trained to retrieve the phone and call 911 with his teeth when Stalnaker blacks out, the Republic reported, noting Buddy previously had made three or four 911 calls for other emergencies. "He's my world. He's my best friend, no question. He's always there," said Stalnaker, who was hospitalized for two days but has recovered.
///
Shea Stadium apple heading to new ballpark
NEW YORK (UPI) -- The Shea Stadium apple is headed to Citi Field, the new home of the New York Mets. Everything else at Shea Stadium is being sold -- from napkin holders to lockers -- as the Mets leave for their new stadium, but the iconic fiberglass apple is not on the market, the New York Post reported. Although the Mets are hanging on to the kitschy icon, the new stadium will get a shiny new apple, as well, the newspaper said. "The old apple will have a home at the new stadium," said Stu Oxenhorn, director of the sports memorabilia collector firm MeiGray Vintage. "Let's face it -- the apple is Shea Stadium," said Mets third baseman David Wright. "If they hadn't (taken it over), I was going to be first in line to get a piece of it." The 9-foot, 582-pound red fiberglass apple has been popping out of a 10-foot upside-down black plywood top hat every time a Met hits a homer since 1980.
///
Police: Woman posed as teenage cheerleader
GREEN BAY, Wis. (UPI) -- A 33-year-old Wisconsin woman assumed her 15-year-old daughter's identity so she could be a high school cheerleader, police allege. Police said Wendy Brown of Ashwaubenon allegedly told authorities she posed as her daughter at Ashwaubenon High School -- and even practiced with a cheerleading squad -- to rekindle high school memories, the Green Bay (Wis.) Post-Gazette reported. Brown's true identity was discovered during a truancy investigation initiated after the woman did not attend school after the first day. Since Brown allegedly used her teenage daughter's personal information, including Social Security card and birth certificate, to register for school, she faces a felony charge of identity theft. Brown allegedly told police she had wanted to make up for missed childhood experiences but Green Bay police said the situation was not so simple. "We find it not funny at all," Lt. Jody Crocker told the Post-Gazette. The newspaper said Brown was previously convicted of obstructing a police officer, burglary and deceptive practices and was arrested Sept. 3 on an unspecified misdemeanor charge.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Getting a Promotion
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest. "O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Drugs
I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that dope gone yet?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Abbott & Costello on Computers
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and
I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What
do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
just say I'm sitting at my computer and I wan t to type a
proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't
start with some straight answers. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How
much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" ...
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Dog dials 911 to get help for owner
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. (UPI) -- Police say a service dog trained to use the phone called 911 and got help when its Scottsdale, Ariz., owner suffered a serious seizure. Buddy, an 18-month-old German shepherd, used his teeth to press programmed buttons until a 911 dispatcher came on the line, The Arizona Republic reported. Buddy can be heard whimpering in a recording of the call placed Wednesday from the home of Joe Stalnaker, who suffers seizures from injuries received during military service, the Republic said. Buddy was trained to retrieve the phone and call 911 with his teeth when Stalnaker blacks out, the Republic reported, noting Buddy previously had made three or four 911 calls for other emergencies. "He's my world. He's my best friend, no question. He's always there," said Stalnaker, who was hospitalized for two days but has recovered.
///
Shea Stadium apple heading to new ballpark
NEW YORK (UPI) -- The Shea Stadium apple is headed to Citi Field, the new home of the New York Mets. Everything else at Shea Stadium is being sold -- from napkin holders to lockers -- as the Mets leave for their new stadium, but the iconic fiberglass apple is not on the market, the New York Post reported. Although the Mets are hanging on to the kitschy icon, the new stadium will get a shiny new apple, as well, the newspaper said. "The old apple will have a home at the new stadium," said Stu Oxenhorn, director of the sports memorabilia collector firm MeiGray Vintage. "Let's face it -- the apple is Shea Stadium," said Mets third baseman David Wright. "If they hadn't (taken it over), I was going to be first in line to get a piece of it." The 9-foot, 582-pound red fiberglass apple has been popping out of a 10-foot upside-down black plywood top hat every time a Met hits a homer since 1980.
///
Police: Woman posed as teenage cheerleader
GREEN BAY, Wis. (UPI) -- A 33-year-old Wisconsin woman assumed her 15-year-old daughter's identity so she could be a high school cheerleader, police allege. Police said Wendy Brown of Ashwaubenon allegedly told authorities she posed as her daughter at Ashwaubenon High School -- and even practiced with a cheerleading squad -- to rekindle high school memories, the Green Bay (Wis.) Post-Gazette reported. Brown's true identity was discovered during a truancy investigation initiated after the woman did not attend school after the first day. Since Brown allegedly used her teenage daughter's personal information, including Social Security card and birth certificate, to register for school, she faces a felony charge of identity theft. Brown allegedly told police she had wanted to make up for missed childhood experiences but Green Bay police said the situation was not so simple. "We find it not funny at all," Lt. Jody Crocker told the Post-Gazette. The newspaper said Brown was previously convicted of obstructing a police officer, burglary and deceptive practices and was arrested Sept. 3 on an unspecified misdemeanor charge.
Friday, October 03, 2008
hUMOR For Oce 3rd
Weird News
Montana man crashed bike into wild bear
MISSOULA, Mont. (UPI) -- A 57-year-old man in Missoula, Mont., says he is lucky to be alive after accidentally crashing his bicycle into the side of a wild bear. Middle school teacher Jim Litz said he often sees bears during his daily commute along a dirt road but he didn't' have time to avoid one of the animals that wandered into his way Monday, The (Missoula, Mont.) Missoulian said. "I didn't have time to respond. I never even hit my brakes," Litz said. The teacher said after the impact flipped him off his bike, the bear began clawing at him, apparently in confusion and anger. The attack left Litz with scratches and bruises over most of his body. Litz said he was sore and a bit clawed up, but lucky to have survived - and he holds no ill will toward the animal. "I was truly lucky, because I accosted the bear and he let me live," he told the Missoulian. "I truly respect them. They're beautiful creatures."
///
Ind. town seeks missing time capsule
ELKHART, Ind. (UPI) -- City officials in Elkhart, Ind., said they are having difficulty locating a time capsule buried in 1958 -- possibly because it may never have existed. Officials said a city employee received an e-mail from a man who said he was at the city's centennial celebration in 1958 and claimed a time capsule buried during the ceremony was meant to be opened in 2008, the Elkhart Truth reported. However, the city's Sesquicentennial Celebration Committee said it could not determine where the capsule had been buried. Some members suggested Lundquist-Bicentennial Park as the location, but the only time capsule on record in the park was buried in 1977. Mary Jo Weyrick, the City Council's administrative assistant, said she has combed through all records of the centennial celebration and cannot find any record of the time capsule other than a brief newspaper mention requesting photo clippings for the item. Paul Thomas, curator of the Time Was Museum and a member of the Sesquicentennial Celebration Committee, said the 1958 capsule may have never been buried. "Everyone assumed it existed," he said. The centennial "was covered like a blanket, and there was nothing" mentioning the item. Weyrick said one resident who remembers the centennial celebration said the time capsule was buried on the southwest corner of Main and High streets -- an area the city is unlikely to want to dig up after new sidewalks were recently installed.
///
11-month-old tips off grandma to trouble
BRAINTREE, England (UPI) -- The grandmother of a Braintree, England, 11-month-old said the baby answered the phone and alerted her to the fact that the child's mother was in trouble. Grandmother Linda Wight said she knew something was amiss when she phoned Elizabeth Boyle, 20, and the cell phone was answered by Wright's granddaughter, Amelia, The Times of London reported. Wright said Amelia tipped her off that something was wrong in the home by asking, "Who's this?" and repeatedly saying: "Mama." The grandmother phoned emergency services and Boyle awoke to find police at her doorway. She said she had blacked out in the hallway of her home. Boyle, who had a history of passing out, was examined by paramedics, did not require hospital treatment.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Second Wife
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... And then the fight started....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And that's how the fight started.....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's how the fight started.....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Gas CompanyTwo gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy
in the head and I should be committed to a mental institu-
tion. Why do women always want us to make a commitment?"
-Unknown
***
"When you get married and have a kid, you can't do all
those things you wanted to do as a young existentialist
of seventeen or eighteen... like kill yourself." -Al Rae
***
"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood
is that the first one was useless." -Nicholas Chamfort
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup
of coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits
involving products that have received far less attention.
For example:
A prescription of sleeping pills says,
"Warning: May cause drowsiness
A container of underarm deodorant says,
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes"
A cartridge for a laser printer warns: "Do not eat toner"
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard
warns:
"Do not drive with sunshield in place"
A Bathroom Heater says:
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms"
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users:
"May irritate eyes"
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns:
"Caution - Risk of Fire"
A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax
as ear plugs or for any other function that involves in-
sertion into a body cavity.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Nothing rattles my father-in-law, especially when the St.
Louis Cardinals are on TV.
One day we were watching a game, when my mother-in-law
shrieked from the kitchen, "Jim, there's a horsefly in
here!"
Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back,"Give
it some cough syrup."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot'. The man shouted back, 'that's not what I said!'.
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'this is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Montana man crashed bike into wild bear
MISSOULA, Mont. (UPI) -- A 57-year-old man in Missoula, Mont., says he is lucky to be alive after accidentally crashing his bicycle into the side of a wild bear. Middle school teacher Jim Litz said he often sees bears during his daily commute along a dirt road but he didn't' have time to avoid one of the animals that wandered into his way Monday, The (Missoula, Mont.) Missoulian said. "I didn't have time to respond. I never even hit my brakes," Litz said. The teacher said after the impact flipped him off his bike, the bear began clawing at him, apparently in confusion and anger. The attack left Litz with scratches and bruises over most of his body. Litz said he was sore and a bit clawed up, but lucky to have survived - and he holds no ill will toward the animal. "I was truly lucky, because I accosted the bear and he let me live," he told the Missoulian. "I truly respect them. They're beautiful creatures."
///
Ind. town seeks missing time capsule
ELKHART, Ind. (UPI) -- City officials in Elkhart, Ind., said they are having difficulty locating a time capsule buried in 1958 -- possibly because it may never have existed. Officials said a city employee received an e-mail from a man who said he was at the city's centennial celebration in 1958 and claimed a time capsule buried during the ceremony was meant to be opened in 2008, the Elkhart Truth reported. However, the city's Sesquicentennial Celebration Committee said it could not determine where the capsule had been buried. Some members suggested Lundquist-Bicentennial Park as the location, but the only time capsule on record in the park was buried in 1977. Mary Jo Weyrick, the City Council's administrative assistant, said she has combed through all records of the centennial celebration and cannot find any record of the time capsule other than a brief newspaper mention requesting photo clippings for the item. Paul Thomas, curator of the Time Was Museum and a member of the Sesquicentennial Celebration Committee, said the 1958 capsule may have never been buried. "Everyone assumed it existed," he said. The centennial "was covered like a blanket, and there was nothing" mentioning the item. Weyrick said one resident who remembers the centennial celebration said the time capsule was buried on the southwest corner of Main and High streets -- an area the city is unlikely to want to dig up after new sidewalks were recently installed.
///
11-month-old tips off grandma to trouble
BRAINTREE, England (UPI) -- The grandmother of a Braintree, England, 11-month-old said the baby answered the phone and alerted her to the fact that the child's mother was in trouble. Grandmother Linda Wight said she knew something was amiss when she phoned Elizabeth Boyle, 20, and the cell phone was answered by Wright's granddaughter, Amelia, The Times of London reported. Wright said Amelia tipped her off that something was wrong in the home by asking, "Who's this?" and repeatedly saying: "Mama." The grandmother phoned emergency services and Boyle awoke to find police at her doorway. She said she had blacked out in the hallway of her home. Boyle, who had a history of passing out, was examined by paramedics, did not require hospital treatment.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Second Wife
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... And then the fight started....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And that's how the fight started.....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's how the fight started.....
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Gas CompanyTwo gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy
in the head and I should be committed to a mental institu-
tion. Why do women always want us to make a commitment?"
-Unknown
***
"When you get married and have a kid, you can't do all
those things you wanted to do as a young existentialist
of seventeen or eighteen... like kill yourself." -Al Rae
***
"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood
is that the first one was useless." -Nicholas Chamfort
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup
of coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits
involving products that have received far less attention.
For example:
A prescription of sleeping pills says,
"Warning: May cause drowsiness
A container of underarm deodorant says,
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes"
A cartridge for a laser printer warns: "Do not eat toner"
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard
warns:
"Do not drive with sunshield in place"
A Bathroom Heater says:
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms"
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users:
"May irritate eyes"
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns:
"Caution - Risk of Fire"
A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax
as ear plugs or for any other function that involves in-
sertion into a body cavity.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Nothing rattles my father-in-law, especially when the St.
Louis Cardinals are on TV.
One day we were watching a game, when my mother-in-law
shrieked from the kitchen, "Jim, there's a horsefly in
here!"
Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back,"Give
it some cough syrup."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot'. The man shouted back, 'that's not what I said!'.
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'this is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
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