Saturday, September 27, 2008

hUMOR For Sept 27th

UK Parking WardensSometimes it seems that government employees in the UK will enforce every rule to its extreme, except for one, "use your head." Take parking enforcers ... please1. Trucking ridiculousIt was a normal day for truck driver Michael Collins, who was on his way to collect a skip in London’s Belsize Park. But then, without warning, his truck lurched as the road beneath him collapsed. Unknown to Michael, a burst water main had caused the road to give way, creating a deep hole where the front wheels of his 17-ton truck became stuck.While he was waiting for his lorry to be rescued, a passing parking attendant appeared. To the astonishment of nearby residents and despite Michael’s protests, she stood on tiptoe and whacked a parking ticket on the truck's windscreen, uttering the immortal words, "You can appeal."2. Bad news comes in treesIf a tree fell on your car and you escaped death by mere inches, you might think that you would get some sympathy from your local council. Sadly, no such compassion was forthcoming when one family suffered just such a fate under the parking rules of Wychavon District CouncilNicky Clegg from Stoulton, near Pershore, was driving along the Bromwich Road with her 82-year-old mother and her 11-year-old son when without warning a tree crashed on her car. Miraculously they escaped death but the car ended up with a crushed bonnet (hood), smashed windscreen and broken wing mirrors.Police dragged the wrecked car to the side of the road and told Nicky that it was fine to leave it there and she could pick it up the following day. But when Nicky came back the next day, she was astonished to find a parking ticket on the window.3. Feeling run down?Think that being badly injured is an excuse to park illegally? Think again. When Nadhim Zahawi of South London was thrown from his scooter and left lying in the road with a broken leg, a heartless warden from Lambeth Council slapped a £100 ticket on his bike.4. Horse playYou leave your horse in the street and what do you expect to find when you get back? A small pile of manure perhaps, but not a parking ticket. Amazingly, however, this is exactly what happened to Robert McFarland, a retired blacksmith from Yorkshire when he left his trusty steed, Charlie Boy, for a few brief moments. On the ticket, the over-zealous warden had written the vehicle description as "brown horse."5. Daylight robberyIt started off just like any other day for Fred Holt when he went to his local bank. But the ordinary day turned extraordinary when two masked men burst into the bank brandishing an axe and a machete. In the terrifying raid, the robbers held a young cashier hostage with an axe to her throat. Customers were forced to lie on the floor as staff were made to hand over cash.If being a victim of this horrifying event wasn't bad enough, 77 year old Mr Holt had parked his car nearby, and by the time he had given a statement to police officers, his car had been there for 20 minutes longer than allowed.Mr. Holt was not worried because the police officers who interviewed him said that traffic wardens had been told about the raid and asked not to issue tickets. But when Mr. Holt got back to his car he was astounded to find a £30 parking ticket pinned to his windscreen ... the reason: overstaying his allowed time in the street.6. Bloody ridiculous"Do Something Amazing Today" runs the slogan of the National Blood Service. In Sutton, a traffic warden did just that, though not along the lines of "Save a life. Give Blood" that the advertisement intended.For four years, a mobile National Blood Service truck has visited Sutton, parking at the same spot outside a group of offices, so volunteers can give blood. But seeing the good citizens of the town turn up and exchange a pint of the red stuff in return for a cup of tea and a biscuit was too much of a temptation for one parking attendant. Whilst those inside were giving blood, the parking attendant gave in his own unique way ... in the form of parking tickets.Sutton council eventually waived the fine, saying the parking attendant had made a simple error of judgment. Or to put it more aptly, a rush of blood to the head.7. Bus(ted)Picture the situation. You’re a bus driver. You’re driving your bus. You see a queue of people waiting for you at a bus stop. You pull over to pick them up. So far, so good. But wait, not everyone wants to buy a ticket. This chap in the queue wants to give you one instead!This was the extraordinary scene that greeted Manchester bus driver Chris O’Mahony, when he stopped his number 77 bus to let people on. He and his passengers looked on in absolute disbelief as the Manchester City Council parking attendant joined the queue to prepare the parking ticket, deposited the £40 notice and then walked away. The bus driver’s crime? Parking in a restricted area (the bus zone).The attendant said he'd been told to issue tickets to buses that park. Manchester City Council bosses cancelled the ticket and ordered the warden to be retrained. Hopefully, as something other than a warden.8. Heart attackWhile David Holmes was driving along he felt chest pains. So he immediately drove himself to hospital. When he arrived he was forced to park on the road and was treated for a heart attack. A kind nurse left a note on the windscreen saying it was an emergency and that David's daughter would pick the car up later. Despite the note, a pitiless parking attendant slapped a parking ticket on David’s car.Despite an appeal to the local council, the £40 fine was not cancelled.9. Welcome to WarwickshireWarwick is a beautiful part of England but it had no appeal for one man who received a parking ticket from the local Council.Krister Nylander was dismayed to receive a parking ticket in the post (mail) for parking in Warwick. But he knew the parking ticket was wrong because he lives in Sweden and had not visited England since he was 16. The offending vehicle was his 20-ton snowmobile which had barely ever left his barn, let alone Sweden.How did it get the ticket? We've absolutely no Idea.10. Driving you crazyDriving instructors are used to the trials and tribulations of teaching people to drive. Three point turns, as we all know, can be very tricky to learn. So spare a thought for the driving instructor who got a CCTV parking ticket when his pupil stalled whilst attempting a three-point turn and could not restart the car. The offence? Parking more than 50 centimeters from the curb.

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Dealing With Death
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."

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The Lawyer's Dog and The Butcher
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.

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Army of the Lord
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

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Pet cockatoo's cries bring police
TRENTON, N.J. (UPI) -- Police in a New Jersey city responding to a call of a woman screaming discovered that the noise was coming from a pet cockatoo. Passersby thought the sounds coming from a house in Trenton were those of someone screaming in terror and thought that they heard the words "Help me," WCAU-TV in Philadelphia reported. Police officers had difficulty getting into the house, which was also home to a large German shepherd. Once inside, they found a talking bird named Luna. Luna's owners face no charges.
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Family gets $19,370 cell phone bill
PORTLAND, Ore. (UPI) -- An Oregon family racked up a $19,370 cell phone bill in international charges, they said. The Terry family's 200-page AT&T cell phone bill mostly lists fees for sending e-mail messages and photos, which are otherwise covered in their unlimited plan, KPTV of Portland, Ore., reported Thursday. But because a laptop using an AirCard was used in Canada to send e-mails back home, fees began to add up. AT&T says the AirCard allows users to connect to e-mail, the Internet and business applications while traveling, but international use is not included in the Terry's cell-phone plan. They said they asked an AT&T employee about the service before their son left the country. They said they were not warned about international fees. "(We) have a bill that runs normally $250 to $300 for our cell phones," Dave Terry said. "When AT&T saw the numbers getting over $1,000, I would think it's their responsibility to inform us that something was amiss because that card could have been stolen."

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"A new study has found that teenagers are drinking less, and
they are smoking less. The reason for the decrease is that
the teens don't want to be a bad influence on their kids."
--Craig Kilborn

***

"Earlier this week in France a 62-year-old man was rushed
to the emergency room and 350 coins were removed from his
stomach. Friends say that the worst part was having to
watch him make change for a dollar." --Conan O'Brien

***

"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,
doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates
because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that
cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you
see a guy on a ledge, about to jump...throw him a doughnut."
--Jay Leno

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An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a pro-
minent medical school.

"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect
to be five years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday
afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

Friday, September 26, 2008

hUMOR For Sept 26th

St. Paul mayor hits hole in one
ST. PAUL, Minn. (UPI) -- It was a big week for St. Paul, Minn., Mayor Chris Coleman: his town played host to a national political convention and he hit a hole in one. No sooner had Republicans left town after nominating John McCain as their presidential candidate, than Coleman found himself out on a golf course for a Cystic Fibrosis Foundation charity event Friday. On the par 3 No. 8 at Highland National Golf Course, he pulled out his nine iron and stroked his ball into the hole 150 yards away, the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported, citing the mayor's press spokesman and other witnesses.

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"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they
have tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American
men actually need one." --Jay Leno

***

"Gas prices are crazy. It's getting so bad that the Amish are
now complaining." -David Letterman

***

"'Harry Potter' author J.K. Rowling says she might not stop
at 7 books and might make an 8th book about Harry as an
adult. When asked why she said, 'There's still money in the
world that I don't have yet'." --Conan O'Brien

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On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted
several historical points of interest. The children were
especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game
"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships
the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to
look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.

Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my
daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen
always die."

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Blonde: Mmmm, it smells so good in here! Doesn't it smell
good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my
nose right now!

Friend: I know!

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Well-Dressed ProfessorThe history professor in our very small town, was very concise, stiff and not very friendly to anyone, especially his students. He always dressed to perfection; hat, over coat, jacket, gloves, vest and tie.One day he walked into the only Barber Shop in our town and began to remove his outer garments; his gloves, his top coat, his jacket, his vest, his tie, and finally his eye glasses. He sat down in the chair and the barber asked him what he wanted?He replied very curtly that he wanted a hair cut, and why else would he come into the barber shop and sit down in the chair?"Well," the barber replied, "don't you think that you should remove your hat?"

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"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien

***

"Health experts have named Mississippi the fattest state in
the Union. The state bird of Mississippi? The fried chicken."
-Jay Leno

***

"Barbra Streisand is performing at an Obama fundraiser. It's
$25,000 a seat. But for $50,000, you don't have to go."
-Craig Ferguson

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Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140
or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention
in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local
cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con-
tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in-
volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

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Brandon, my grandson was working at a pet store that offered
free replacement fish to any that die. A lady called and
stated that her hamster had died. The salesperson who answered
the phone misunderstood her, thinking it was a fish, told her
to place it in a plastic bag with water and return it so it
could be replaced. The lady followed instructions to a "T"
and brought her dead hamster in a bag of water and handed to
my grandson and said "my hamster died." Laughing he replied
"Was that before or after you placed it in the bag of water?"

He was fired for not showing sympathy to a customer!

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Who's In Charge
29 have been accused of spousal abuse7 have been arrested for fraud19 have been accused of writing bad checks117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses3 have done time for assault71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit14 have been arrested on drug-related charges8 have been arrested for shoplifting21 are currently defendants in lawsuits84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

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The Other Side
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. "Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!" "Not now! I'm eating." "Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important." "No way." "Please. It's urgent." So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. "Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?" "Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."

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The Whole Truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

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Baker's Assistant
Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.

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Boat Race

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a
competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to
reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt
ready.

The Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason
for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting
firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend
corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people
rowing and one person steering; the American team had one
person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the
problem, the consultants concluded that too many people were
steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So
as race day neared again the following year, the American
team's management structure was completely reorganized. The
new structure: four steering managers, three area steering
managers, and a new performance review system for the person
rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated,
the American corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering
the problem.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

hUMOR For Sept 25th

"I bet you think twice before you leave your wife alone at
night," chided one man to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up
a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she
can't go with me."

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Car Warning

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to
allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the
grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as
she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the
newspaper will print your age."

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Justice Redefined

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You gave me $15,000. And you gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
He handed it to the first lawyer. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

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"First Day Answer"
Vernie came home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
Vernie replied, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

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CleanQuote
"Painting is poetry which is seen and not heard, and poetry is a painting which is heard and not seen."- Leonardo Da Vinci

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Illustration - "Giving" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?" "Yes."
"And if you had a cow?" "Absolutely."
"And a goat?" "Sure."
"A pig?" "Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"

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A Day in CourtA woman was on trial for killing her husband. All the jurors but one voted to convict her. The one juror was so determined that the woman should be found innocent that she eventually was able to change the mind of all the others, and they all voted "not guilty."Afterwards, the juror who had held out for the innocent vote was questioned by reporters, who asked her how she could have been so certain the woman on trial was innocent. She replied, "Well, I don't know. I guess I just felt sorry for her. After all, she is a widow."

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The Clown's Dog
The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor. The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. “You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch with him.” This news saddened the clown immensely. “I can’t play fetch with my dog!” said the clown, holding back tears. “Why not?” asked the doctor. The clown replied, “Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!”

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Counting Sheep
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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Camel Questions
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom", "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"

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Blonde Horses Around
There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.

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The Wayside Chapel

An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland and looking for
a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there
the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would
recommended any. He took her to see several rooms, and when
everything was settled she returned home to make final
preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the
thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a
Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately
wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a
"W.C." near the room.

The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked
the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C."
and the only solution they could come up with for the
letters was "Wayside Chapel." The schoolmaster then wrote
the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with
her room.

Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a
"W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner
of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely
grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open
on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many
people expected during the summer months, I would suggest
that you come early, although there is usually plenty of
standing room. This is an unfortunate situation,
particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You
will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their
lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford
to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise
your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ
accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most
delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you
to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it
was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush
there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually
reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression
on their faces.

The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy
resident of the district, which rings every time a person
enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush
seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt
want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly:
it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains
her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to
reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will
be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so
that they will not disturb the elders.

Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,

Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster

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Weird News

N.Y. man has McCain's name, Obama's looks
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man says he shares something in common with both major U.S. presidential candidates -- John McCain's name and Barack Obama's looks. The 40-year-old musician -- whose name just happens to be John McCain, same as the Arizona senator who is the Republican nominee -- said he repeatedly has been told he looks like Obama, the Democratic nominee, the New York Daily News reported. "I travel to Europe a lot, and a few people have said I look like Obama," the lesser-known McCain said. "When people ask me my name, I always say John McCain, like the senator." While McCain says he has not used his famous name and face for any sort of advantage, he admits it comes in handy when calling radio talk shows. "Once I mention that I'm interracial and my name is John McCain, they put me right through," he told the Daily News.
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Police: Scam forced marital lie from man
OCALA, Fla. (UPI) -- A 27-year-old man told his wife he had been robbed to avoid revealing he actually had been tricked by a scam artist, police in Florida say. Marion County sheriff's deputies said Mario Oscar Carlos initially told authorities he and his wife he had been robbed of $8,000 in cash, but the man allegedly later confessed to making the story up to avoid embarrassment, the Ocala (Fla.) Star-Banner reported. A police report alleged that after officers noticed inconsistencies in his robbery account, Carlos admitted he actually lost the money to a spiritual healer. Carlos allegedly told police the healer told him to place the cash inside a sock so it could be blessed and then put it in the trunk of his car. He said when he checked on the money Friday, he found the cash-filled sock had been replaced by one filled with only $50, the report alleged. The Star-Banner said for his marital and legal lie, police charged Carlos with filing a false police report.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

hUMOR F\or Sept 24th

Our Town Is So Small...
- Our city limits signs are both on the same post! - The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell - The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch - The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2 - The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions - The phone book has only one page - There's nothing doing every minute - The ZIP code was a fraction - Second Street is in the next town over - There's no place to go that you shouldn't - A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes - The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog - The New Year's baby was born in October

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Rottweiler and IRS
Question: What is the difference between an overzealous IRS agent and a Rottweiler? Answer: The Rottweiler will let go, eventually.

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Forced Landing

A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had
radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few
miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane
standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge
to his professional reputation.

With determination, full flaps and engine just above the
stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he
shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to
get into such a small field?"

"I landed in the big field over there," the trainee
explained, "but in order to leave room for you, I had the
farmer tow me here."

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No Drinking and Smoking
A Grandmother was talking to her young grandson, trying to explain the dangers of smoking. “Now Johnny,” she said, “you have to promise Grandma that, once you’re a grown man, you will never smoke, and never drink.” “Never, Grandma?” asked little Johnny. “Never, boy, not even once,” replied the grandmother. With his eyes wide as saucers, Johnny asked “But won’t I get thirsty?”

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Make Me One with Everything
A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, “Make me one with everything.” The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, “Change comes from within.” With a wistful smile, the monk walked away.

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"Today is the 75th anniversary of the Empire State Building.
This is a great historic fact. The Empire State building is
the only American landmark to have ever had a giant ape on
top of it. Unless you count Maria Shriver as a landmark."
--Dave Letterman

***

"There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn
about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father
nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can't
imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me
how to have sex." --Bob Smith

***

"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a
teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking,
and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash-
trays for Mother's Day." --Paul Clay

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the
reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After
all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"'

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my
husband's spelling."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana
works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the
things candidates list is their high school and when they
attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name
of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I’m The Boos

The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn´t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I´m the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Locked Out"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A goober notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how she is faring.
The goober outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the goober inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little more to the right..."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner
"Our goal to promote a non-threatening and productive office environment is to establish language that is gender-neutral, ethnic-neutral, and age-neutral while celebrating our spirit of diversity."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Talking Dog"
I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!"
When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Solution for Sally”
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report... If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,Then your situation's hopeless and your system's going to crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house,Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM...Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

hUMOR For Sept 23rd

Sick at Last
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!" After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?" The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Pink Suit Sale
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Perks of reaching 50
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08.You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
12. You sing along with elevator music.
13. Your eyes won't get much worse.
14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the samenight.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Phrases of Wisdom
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. - Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. - No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. - A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. - Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. - Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. - Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. - Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. - Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. - Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

20th Anniversary
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Overly Suspicious
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Buying a Machine Factory
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Emu blocks traffic for two hours
NEW STANTON, Pa. (UPI) -- Pennsylvania State Police say they used a stun gun to subdue an emu that blocked traffic for about two hours near the Pennsylvania Turnpike's New Stanton exit. State troopers said the emu, an Australian cousin to the ostrich, had become trapped Monday between 5-foot-high traffic barriers and resisted all previous attempts to catch it -- including a an attempted cowboy-style lassoing, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported "It created a backlog of traffic," said state police Sgt. Anthony DeLuca. "Vehicles almost wrecked into each other, into the bird. We tried to chase it down and tried to catch it. "Once it got in there it got stuck, and it didn't know what to do." He said troopers eventually used a stun gun on the 4-foot-tall bird and moved it to the side of the roadway but it died shortly after. "I think what happened is after about two hours of running on the roadway, it probably had a heart attack," he said.
///
Police seek 62 mph skateboarder
ULM , Germany (UPI) -- Police in Germany say they are on the lookout for a skateboarder who used a boost from a motorcycle to travel 62 mph down the Ulm-Stuttgart motorway. Authorities said the skateboarder, whose feat was captured on video and broadcast on German TV, traveled for two miles down the steep stretch of highway at excessive speeds, Sky News reported Wednesday. The man, who police said they believe to be a professional stuntman, wore a helmet and a red and white protective suit while speeding down the road. Investigators said he held onto the back of a motorcycle for some time to help him pick up speed.
///
Pet's ID chip helps cops take toddler home
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., say a pet chip implanted in a dog accompanying a 2-year-old girl who had wandered off helped them find the toddler's home. Officers said they received reports of the child, identified as Annabelle Fabrizio, chasing the dog into traffic at about 7:45 a.m. Sunday, The Palm Beach Post reported Wednesday. The police report of the incident said officers contacted an animal control officer who traced the pet back to registered owner Barbie Molina. The woman told police she had given the pooch to the young girl's mother, Melissa Fabrizio. Police said they took the toddler, who was clad only in a diaper, to her home, where babysitter Nick Westmoreland, 16, told officers he had thought the young girl was asleep in her room. Officers said the house's sliding door had been left open.
//
Woman: Police targeting her car
CINCINNATI (UPI) -- A Cincinnati woman says she has been pulled over repeatedly because police believe her car is connected to a wanted criminal. Rashawn Edwards said she has been pulled over six times since June -- despite not breaking any traffic laws -- because new license plate recognition cameras used by Cincinnati police run her vehicle registration or identification number and tell cops the car is tied to a wanted Cleveland criminal Edwards says she doesn't know, WLWT-TV in Cincinnati reported Wednesday. "I've been pulled over by just about every police district there is in Cincinnati," she said. Edwards said each time she is pulled over, police approach the car cautiously. "It's not guns drawn, but they are kind of intimidated, so they tell us, 'Don't move, stay in the car,'" she said. She said her complaints to the police department and Alfred Motors, which is leasing her car, have failed to yield any results. "I would like to keep the car, but at the same time I would like something to be done about it," she said. "I'm tired of being pulled over every time I drive my car."

Monday, September 22, 2008

hUMOR For Sept 22nd

Adam and Eve's Perfect Marriage
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bubba and Earl are Drinking
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Tried and Trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

No teeth bear
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Has everyone seen the Rupublican vice-presidential candidate,
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters."
-David Letterman

***

"The Republican National Convention is still going wild in
Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee
Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in
every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn't
mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and
I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought,
The Rolling Stones! But no." -Craig Ferguson

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A
homeowner went to the office to request permission to build
a small toolshed in his backyard.

"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.

"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his
neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of
the shed.

"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece
of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said,
"Here's your permission."

A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also
wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the
director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request.
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the
documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are
necessary."

"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got per-
mission right away."

"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we
finally got organized."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children
one day.

"How do you get your Vernie up so early on school mornings?"
asks Joan.

"Oh, that's easy," replies Fern. "I just throw the cat
on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bounced CheckHas your bank become an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity?(see also the original 2002 Bank Deposit version)
[This letter was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in a local newspaper…]Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY after dialing, press the star (*) button for English;#1. To make an appointment to see me;#2. To query a missing payment;#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering;#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home;#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier;#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again;#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service;#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fast Police ResponseWhen you haven't got time to wait for the next policeman...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”He said, “No.”Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again.“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”Don't mess with old people.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cross-Eyed CatVern Allen took his cat to the vet."My cat is cross-eyed," Vern said. "Is there anything you can do for her?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at her."So he picks the cat up and examines her eyes and ears and then checks her teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put her down.""What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because she's cross-eyed?""No," said the vet, "because she's really heavy!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up. Feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

hUM,OR For Sept 21st

Adam and Eve's Perfect Marriage
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bubba and Earl are Drinking
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Tried and Trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

No teeth bear
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Has everyone seen the Rupublican vice-presidential candidate,
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters."
-David Letterman

***

"The Republican National Convention is still going wild in
Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee
Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in
every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn't
mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and
I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought,
The Rolling Stones! But no." -Craig Ferguson

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A
homeowner went to the office to request permission to build
a small toolshed in his backyard.

"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.

"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his
neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of
the shed.

"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece
of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said,
"Here's your permission."

A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also
wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the
director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request.
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the
documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are
necessary."

"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got per-
mission right away."

"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we
finally got organized."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children
one day.

"How do you get your Vernie up so early on school mornings?"
asks Joan.

"Oh, that's easy," replies Fern. "I just throw the cat
on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bounced CheckHas your bank become an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity?(see also the original 2002 Bank Deposit version)
[This letter was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in a local newspaper…]Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY after dialing, press the star (*) button for English;#1. To make an appointment to see me;#2. To query a missing payment;#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering;#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home;#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier;#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again;#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service;#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fast Police ResponseWhen you haven't got time to wait for the next policeman...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”He said, “No.”Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again.“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”Don't mess with old people.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cross-Eyed CatVern Allen took his cat to the vet."My cat is cross-eyed," Vern said. "Is there anything you can do for her?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at her."So he picks the cat up and examines her eyes and ears and then checks her teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put her down.""What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because she's cross-eyed?""No," said the vet, "because she's really heavy!"

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Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up. Feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

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The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

hUMOR For Sept 20th

Honest LawyerAn investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $150,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive ... and what sort of case was that?"The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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Pick Up Line
A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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Colorful Love
It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies. Alice was feeling romantic. 'Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?' she crooned. 'Why not?' Al replied. 'Didn't I love you through four other shades?'

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Is It Love?
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.

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Three Sisters
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together. One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled. The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?" The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure. Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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"U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity
drug for dogs. I'm no veterinarian, but if your dog is
over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl.
Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking
your car keys and driving to McDonalds?" --Jay Leno

***

"She's fine, but the other day in England, an 80-year-old
woman was out for a walk in the country when she was
attacked by three wild pigs. Experts say this is odd
because usually British food attacks you after you eat it."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"It seems like every couple of weeks McDonald's is making
their menu more diet friendly. They're now offering a third
of a pound hamburger. The damn hamburger weighs a third of
a pound. Don't worry... you get a pretty good workout at
the ketchup pump." -Dave Letterman

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The Dean of admissions at Bates College in Maine reads through
reams of applications from nervous high school seniors, some
maybe a little more nervous than others. Here are a few...

"If there is a single word to describe me, that word would be
'profectionist'."

"I was abducted into the National Honor Society."

"I function well as an individual and a group."

"Mathematics has hung like a stork around my neck."

///
Georgia town claims scarecrow record
HOSCHTON, Ga. (UPI) -- A small town in Georgia claimed Tuesday to have beaten the world record for scarecrows by about 1,500, setting up about as many as there are people in the area. Hoschton City Clerk Kristen Smith said the town got some outside help creating 4,800 straw men, women and even deer. She told The Atlanta Journal-Constitution people from other towns built scarecrows and brought them to Hoschton. "It's the coolest thing," she said. Robbie Bettis, the organizer of the effort, spent Tuesday recording the results, tagging and photographing the scarecrows lining State Highway 53, the main road in town, as well as tree-lined subdivision streets. The scarecrows represent a cross-section of straw humanity, dressed as everything from prisoners to ministers. Bettis's goal was 4,000 scarecrows, which would have been more than enough to beat the record set in 2003 by the Cincinnati Horticultural Society, 3,311. Hoschton, in a rural area east of Atlanta with a population of about 1,700 within the city limits and 4,800 in its zip code, is a lot smaller than Cincinnati. The town and Bettis will not know for several weeks whether the Guinness Book of World Records recognizes its achievement.
///
Man hits sword attacker with walking stick
GATESHEAD, England (UPI) -- A Gateshead, England, 60-year-old said he was able to fend off a samurai sword-wielding attacker by striking him in the head with his walking stick. David Fawcett, 60, said he was walking with friends Elaine Layton and Tony McConnell shortly after midnight Monday when they saw a man urinating outdoors, The Daily Mail reported Tuesday. "Elaine asked him to stop. He got a bottle of beer and smashed her three times in the hand," said Fawcett, a retired social worker. "I got between them and he ran off saying he was going to get a sword and kill us." "Elaine phoned the police but we didn't really think too much of his threat," Fawcett said. However, he said the attacker showed up five minutes later and began chasing the trio with a samurai sword. Fawcett said they fled into a nearby take-out restaurant but the tenacious attacker attempted to smash the glass doors with his sword. He said he finally forced the attacker to give up by clocking him over the head with his walking stick. Police said they arrested the 30-year-old suspect after a brief chase. "I don't think there was anything heroic about it. It was terrifying. I was shaking after but I had to protect my friends. When I saw they were going for Elaine, I had to do something," Fawcett said.

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We Don't Have AnyI was a manager at a toy store. A few years back during the height of the Furby craze I overheard one of my cashiers say to a customer, "We haven't had any for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting any soon."I quickly assured the customer that we would have a shipment in next week After she left, I read the cashier the riot act. "Never tell a customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week. Now, was she looking for a Furby?""No ...""Well, what was it she said she wanted?""Rain."

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Awareness Test

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man
who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the
hospital for evaluation.

En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to
determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked,
"Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the
ambulance window.

"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

Friday, September 19, 2008

hUMOR For Septg 19th

Cletus' Order
Cletus walks into a building and goes up to a lady and says "Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?" The lady looks at him dumbfounded and says, "Cletus, this is a library." So Cletus moves closer and whispers, "Can I have a cheeseburger, fries and a shake?"

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Wisdom of the Phrases
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. - Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. - Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. - My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. - It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. - For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. - If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. - Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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Clown Couple
Girl Clown: Do you love me? Boy Clown: Yes, I love you.Girl Clown: But, do you really love me?Boy Clown: Yes, I really love you.Girl Clown: But, do you really, truly love me?Boy Clown: Yes! Yes, I really, truly love you! I would die for you!Girl Clown: You’re always saying that, but you never do it.

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Perfect Idiot
Auguste Clown: I suppose you think that I’m a perfect idiot? Whiteface Clown: Oh, no—nobody’s perfect.

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My mama always said we were put on this earth to help others.
My question is, what are the others here for?

***

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets
better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

***

"Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere."
-G. K. Chesterton

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Manning the computer help desk for the local school district
was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the
job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What
I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually
knows something?"

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At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade
teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the
mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic
to excuse her daughter from school.

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company,
and I'm keeping her home."

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Medical or Surgical?

The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.
"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.
"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"

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Weird News

Man pleads guilty to faking death
GLOUCESTER, England (UPI) -- A Gloucester, England, man has pleaded guilty to faking his own death to receive a $600,000 life insurance payout. Ahmad Akhtary, 34, admitted to obtaining a fake certificate from Afghanistan that said he died of "brain trauma" after an accident in the country and to conspiring with his ex-wife, Anne, 43, to use the fake document to obtain $600,000 from their Norwich Union shared life insurance policy, The Sun reported. Authorities said Akhtary did not take great lengths to hide his deception, as he continued to work and pay taxes under his own name in Gloucester. They said the scam was uncovered after Akhtary went into his doctor's office for a check-up. Akhtary pleaded guilty in Gloucester Crown Court to attempting to obtain money by deception. Anne Akhtary pleaded guilty to the same charge in addition to having a false instrument. Both were sentenced to nine months imprisonment, suspended for two years, and ordered to complete 40 hours of community service work.
///
Thin red line may keep wolves at bay
MONT TREMBLANT, Quebec (UPI) -- Campers at a Canadian park are being protected from hungry wolves by a single strand of cord with red ribbons strung around their campsites. That's the solution rangers in Quebec's Mont Tremblant National Park are trying after having to kill three wolves showing signs of becoming too comfortable around people last year, The Gazette newspaper in Montreal reported Monday. The park has about three dozen wolves. The rangers, who blame campers who feed the wolves, put up two miles of fencing around 300 campsites on Monroe Lake a month ago. The fence consists of a single strand of low-strung nylon cord with wide strips of red cloth every yard or so. It's a centuries-old European trick that some U.S. ranchers use to protect their herds, but it's the first time it's been tried in a national, provincial or state park in North America, said Hugues Tennier, Mont Tremblant's chief conservation officer. "Why this curtain works, we don't know," he said, though some research indicates it may have something to do with the color, an effect that may be only temporary. So far, so good: There have been no reports of wolf sightings inside the perimeter. Previous efforts to shoo away the wolves included sounding foghorns and "bear bangers," a small gun that fires a shell that makes gunfire noises, The Gazette said.
///
Magicians battle over dueling conventions
BLACKPOOL, England (UPI) -- Two British magicians who contend the country's main magic convention is too old-fashioned have angered organizers by setting up an alternative event. Collin Richardson and Geoff Pescud said they started planning the Southern England Magic Convention after concluding the 56-year-old Blackpool Magicians' Convention, which attracts 3,500 practitioners of the illusion arts annually, is stuck in the last millennium, The Daily Telegraph reported. However, the duo raised the ire of Blackpool organizer Derek Lever, 70, by scheduling their event for Jan. 31. The traditional tribute to magic trickery is set for Feb. 20. Lever sent a letter to convention regulars noting the "barring clause" that bans exhibitors from setting up shop at any British convention in the five-week period leading up to Blackpool. "Dealers who have just been seen at another convention are no longer an attraction," Lever wrote. "To try and spoil what we have is pointless and silly. They decided to have a go and they are using any tactics they can at the moment as they are in panic mode." Richardson and Pescud said they are fighting back with appeals to the Board of Trade, Trading Standards-Competition Commission and European Commission to intervene on behalf of their convention. "We are 400 miles from Blackpool and we can only take 1,400 people. A lot of the people coming to ours would never go to Blackpool," Richardson said.
Police hunt possible lion in N. Ireland
BELFAST, Northern Ireland (UPI) -- Police in Belfast, Northern Ireland, say the lion several people reported seeing in a city park likely was a big dog. "Police can confirm that there's no stray lion wandering about in north Belfast," a police spokeswoman told The Daily Telegraph. Police had used a helicopter Sunday to search Cavehill Park, which is not far from the Belfast Zoo, after receiving several reports of a sandy-colored big cat wandering the area. They suspended the search as night fell and Monday determined the animal must have been a large stray dog, the Telegraph said. The Belfast Zoo said it checked its enclosures and all its large cats were there.
///
Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?" "Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."

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Questions About the 2010 Olympics

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010
Winter Olympics, people all over the world are asking
questions. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada
were posted on an International Tourism Website.
(Frightening, isn't it?)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the
plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow
the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?
(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you
send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and
Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north...oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you
get here, and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the
female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available
all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan
hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a moose. It is tall and very violent, eating
the brains of anyone walking close to it. You can scare it
off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
ry

Thursday, September 18, 2008

hUMOR For Sept 18th

One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune
by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me,
"Well, did he?"

"Did he what?"

"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" she asked.

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A Dog Named Mace

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was
a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat
grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would
make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure
him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall
grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked,
but it was nowhere to be found.

As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided
to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and
saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around
where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain
sight, glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him
and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a
wrench for me."

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Little Boy and Rain
It was raining outside. Not just raining, but pouring. Buckets of water were falling from the sky, and little Vernie turned to his mother. “Mommy?” he said. “Yes, darling?” his mother replied. “It’s raining very hard, isn’t it?” little Vernie asked. “Yes, it is,” the mother answered. “Does that mean that Jesus is taking a shower?”

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Priest and Nun at a Hotel
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed." Nun: "I think that would be okay." They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm terribly cold." Priest: "Okay, I'll get you a blanket." (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." Priest: "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night." Priest: "You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket."

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Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

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Too Much Time
How do you know when your child has been spending too much time on the computer? My six-year-old son, Jack, recently informed his mother that he wasn’t born -- he was downloaded!

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Weird News

Bass angler finally lands big gator
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Casting for alligator was unusual for bass fisherman Ron Settino but the New York man says he finally captured an elusive 3-foot specimen. The 63-year-old Franklin Square angler said Saturday that after a lengthy search for the small alligator that had been spotted in Hewlett, N.Y., he finally caught it with his trusty rod and reel, Newsday reported. "I've been hunting this guy for a while now," Settino said. "Considering the fact that he doesn't belong here, I really wanted to get him out." The retired telephone technician said he had been out with his fishing gear ever since the alligator, which is not indigenous to the region, was spotted in an area creek several weeks ago. The alligators were apparently biting Saturday as Settino snagged the gator -- using an artificial lure -- and hauled it in with the help of a nearby man.
///
Metrocards become hot collector item
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Collectors say pieces of art are getting swiped, literally, every day in New York, as riders use Metrocards to board public transportation. The plastic cards have become something of a hot item for collectors because of the variety of images on their flip side, The New York Times reported. The cards' depictions of animals, world leaders, landmarks, entertainers, advertisements and other subjects and themes have attracted collectors since they were introduced in 1994. Collectors view them as miniature pieces of art, with value for selling, trading or just keeping. A MetroCard collectors group on Yahoo has 60 members. Eighteen pieces were listed Saturday eBay at prices ranging from $20 for an expired student card to $520 for an expired MetroCard stamped "NYPD." "We have customers out there who have been collecting these cards since Day 1," Margaret Coffey, New York City Transit's assistant vice president for marketing, told The Times. "We get a lot of calls from people who inquire about the availability of certain cards. All they are trying to do is make their collections as complete as possible; it's really no different than collecting baseball cards."
///
Cow's head freed from washing machine
TRURO, England (UPI) -- Animal rights activists in Britain say they had to free a cow's head from a washing machine after the animal got a bit too curious. Royal Society of the Cruelty of Animals spokeswoman Jo Barr said the group's workers were called to Cornwall County after a young cow came across the machine in an area field and investigated it a little too closely, The Times of London reported. "It is one of the more unusual things we had had to rescue an animal from," Barr said. "Young cows are quite curious, and she probably thought there was some food inside the drum." RSPCA inspector David Hobbs, who rescued the trapped animal, told the Times the incident was a lesson about properly disposing of unwanted items. "If people disposed of their rubbish properly many animals would be saved from injury and death," he said. "A large proportion of the injuries are caused by carelessly discarded rubbish and fishing litter."

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Psychiatrist Confessions

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

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Finding TeaMy poor wife was sick in bed with the flu. Being a dutiful husband, I offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. I couldn't find the tea though and went back upstairs to ask where it was.She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'."

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Proper Job Placement

Methods from Human Resources...

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.

4. Then analyze the situation.

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the
Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,
put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order,
put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them
in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations and
they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved,
put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in
Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in
Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick
has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top
Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks
in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from,
put them in Congress.

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