Remembering BirthdaysBecause I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friend's and relative's birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.His reply: "Have you tried a wife?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Perfect Spouse
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?" The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?" "Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman. The results read, "Buy a television."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dishonest Lawyer
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict: "Manslaughter!" Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dumb Jocks
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _______." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Intelligence
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Away From His Desk
As the boss was leaving the office to play golf, he
instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was
away from his desk.
Shortly after he left, a member of his foursome called to
find out which course they were playing that day. The loyal
girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he five miles away
from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty
miles away from his desk?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"How about that Michael Phelps? Eight Olympic gold medals.
To me, that's not the most impressive thing. The guy is
actually swimming home from China." -David Letterman
***
"Sen. Hillary Clinton addressed the convention. It was a
highly anticipated speech. People were curious as to how
strongly she would endorse her former foe. She said what-
ever your feelings about the primaries, now is the time
for the Democrats to put aside their differences and
rally behind Mr. Potato Ears." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The Republican Convention starts next week. John McCain's
campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity,
he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the con-
vention. They told Bush the convention starts in December."
-Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends
were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke
was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he
was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No
one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this
couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't dis-
rupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple
was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,
Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had
always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that
he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down
to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for
two."
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make
that five."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Marketing VP: Why haven't you kept me up-to-date on this
account?
Ops Guy: I've cc'd you on every e-mail I sent to them!
Marketing VP: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's
too much information in them. If you send me an important
e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
'Supersede' most often misspelled
GLASGOW, Scotland (UPI) -- Collins Dictionaries of Britain said its researchers have estimated that the most commonly misspelled word in the English language is "supersede." The company said the word is misspelled one out of every 10 times it is used because many other words with phonetically similar endings -- such as intercede and precede -- are spelled with the letter "c" instead of "s," The Daily Telegraph reported. The researchers said they arrived at their conclusions by using a software program that went through thousands of documents available on the Internet, including published books, blogs and news articles. Collins said other commonly misspelled words -- including conscience, indict, foreign, mortgage and phlegm -- are challenging because they their spelling is different from their phonetic pronunciations. "The real spelling problems occur when people have (learned) the rules or have a bit of knowledge, but then make mistakes in how they apply this," said Ian Brookes, the managing editor of dictionaries at Collins.
///
Zoo's mating apes awaken residents
BRISTOL, England (UPI) -- England's Bristol Zoo has announced its pair of gibbons have been given a curfew to prevent their mating songs from disturbing sleeping neighbors. The zoo said the gibbons, Duana, 7, and Samuel, 11, will be confined to their housing units on "Gibbon Island" for three nights a week, after Bristol residents complained that the loud singing that makes up part of the primates' mating ritual has been waking them up in the early morning hours, The Daily Telegraph reported Monday. Bristol City Council upheld the noise complaints after environmental health officers monitored the singing for several nights. The gibbons were previously allowed outside whenever they wished through use of a door in their housing unit. "The gibbons are very noisy at daybreak and in the evening. The female, in particular, makes a very distinctive call," said Phyllis Farmer, a resident who lives near the zoo. "There was no one supervising them after 6 p.m. and they more or less had the run of the place. There is a school very close to the zoo and they must hear them all the time. I wondered if one of the pupils sitting exams might be bright enough to write on his paper that he couldn't concentrate because of the noise."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Cinnamon Rolls"
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years."
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
hUMOR For Sept11th
Rocket Man tests for English Channel cross
PARIS (UPI) -- A Swiss daredevil says he is closer to becoming the first jet-powered "bird man" to cross the English Channel. Yves Rossy, 48, also known as Rocket Man, recently completed a 10-minute test flight of more than 22 miles with a jet-powered wing strapped to his back, The Sunday Times of London reported. He reportedly jumped out of a small plane over Bex, Switzerland, and reached 180 mph in his flight, wearing a heat resistant suit and using parachutes to come in for a landing. "Everything went well, it was awesome, it's my longest flight with this wing. If there are no technical problems it's okay for the English Channel," Rossey said. "I did the distance, everything is going swimmingly." His flight is set for Sept. 24, weather permitting. The event will broadcast live in 165 countries by the National Geographic Channel. "My flight will be a tribute to all those who came before me, many of whom were killed," Rossey said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Broken Seal
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Controlling Spouses
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Battery Warranty
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!" "Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
10 ways to know if you have PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.8. You're counting down the days until menopause.9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Share and Share Alike
An elderly couple walks into a fast food restaurant. They
order one hamburger, one order of fries, and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts
it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then
carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a
sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip, and then he sets the
cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of
hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and
whispering, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the
table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old
couple. The old man replies that they're just fine --
they're just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't
eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy
another meal for them.
This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old
lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, "May
I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers, "THE TEETH."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human
cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with
a lucky foot." --Jay Leno
***
"A recent study has found that more senior citizens than
ever are entering college. College faculty says that the
seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots
just for the Jell-O." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The French have launched their own version of Google,
called Quaero. You just type in the subject you're
interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you."
--Amy Poehler
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I
bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot
of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could
actually get inside and ride. Instead, after hours of
assembly on my part, he ended up played in the box it came
in.
It taught me a valuable lesson. Next year he got a box, and
I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The
man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in
Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Death And Taxs
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Include a note that says, "Now, you have EVERYTHING!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Reading Glasses"
I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the computer better".
When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.
I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Contest"
There once was a sweepstakes that offered a shopping center as first prize.
The Supreme Court, however, ruled the contest illegal, since everyone knows you can't win a mall.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cuban Prisoners”
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
-- Bonus Material --
"I had a dream I was trapped in an elevator with Michael Bolton, Kenny G and Yanni. And I had a gun with only one bullet."
PARIS (UPI) -- A Swiss daredevil says he is closer to becoming the first jet-powered "bird man" to cross the English Channel. Yves Rossy, 48, also known as Rocket Man, recently completed a 10-minute test flight of more than 22 miles with a jet-powered wing strapped to his back, The Sunday Times of London reported. He reportedly jumped out of a small plane over Bex, Switzerland, and reached 180 mph in his flight, wearing a heat resistant suit and using parachutes to come in for a landing. "Everything went well, it was awesome, it's my longest flight with this wing. If there are no technical problems it's okay for the English Channel," Rossey said. "I did the distance, everything is going swimmingly." His flight is set for Sept. 24, weather permitting. The event will broadcast live in 165 countries by the National Geographic Channel. "My flight will be a tribute to all those who came before me, many of whom were killed," Rossey said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Broken Seal
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Controlling Spouses
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Battery Warranty
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!" "Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
10 ways to know if you have PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.8. You're counting down the days until menopause.9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Share and Share Alike
An elderly couple walks into a fast food restaurant. They
order one hamburger, one order of fries, and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts
it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then
carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a
sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip, and then he sets the
cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of
hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and
whispering, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the
table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old
couple. The old man replies that they're just fine --
they're just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't
eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy
another meal for them.
This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old
lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, "May
I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers, "THE TEETH."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human
cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with
a lucky foot." --Jay Leno
***
"A recent study has found that more senior citizens than
ever are entering college. College faculty says that the
seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots
just for the Jell-O." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The French have launched their own version of Google,
called Quaero. You just type in the subject you're
interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you."
--Amy Poehler
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I
bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot
of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could
actually get inside and ride. Instead, after hours of
assembly on my part, he ended up played in the box it came
in.
It taught me a valuable lesson. Next year he got a box, and
I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The
man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in
Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Death And Taxs
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Include a note that says, "Now, you have EVERYTHING!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Reading Glasses"
I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the computer better".
When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.
I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Contest"
There once was a sweepstakes that offered a shopping center as first prize.
The Supreme Court, however, ruled the contest illegal, since everyone knows you can't win a mall.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cuban Prisoners”
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
-- Bonus Material --
"I had a dream I was trapped in an elevator with Michael Bolton, Kenny G and Yanni. And I had a gun with only one bullet."
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 10th
Ladies Man
The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies’ man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress. "So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned. "Actually, sir," she pointed out sweetly, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn’t even around."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I'm The Boss
The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mean Old Woman
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Angry Couple
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans be-
tween the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States
on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? President Bush
commented on this today, he said, 'Why do we need our kids
to find the U.S. on a map? They're already here.'" -Jay Leno
***
"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my
fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be
home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving with-
out me!" -David Letterman
***
"This week, scientists have discovered a celestial body that
is 18 billion times more massive than the sun. It was im-
mediately hired to co-host The View." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm
going to shoot him!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that
stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age
65?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now
108."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dead Mule
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied: "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
All of the Wal-Marts across Mississippi sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.
A reliable source said that one of the purchasers, an elderly gentleman who would only give his first name as "Bubba" commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as heck ain't doin' it to Mississippi.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New ApartmentBill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in.Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest about the size of his family!After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place that was ideal.The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven .. but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."He got the apartment!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fake cop nailed again at DMV
MASSAPEQUA, N.Y. (UPI) -- Authorities say they have again apprehended a New York man attempting to impersonate a police officer -- or a state official -- or a bail bondsman. Patrick Jabbour, 39, was arrested Friday at state Department of Motor Vehicles offices for at least the third time, attempting to pass himself off as a law enforcement agent. He has already done prison time for burglary, robbery and impersonating a police officer, Newsday reported. Jabbour's disheveled, long-haired, tattooed personal appearance helped investigators track him down at the DMV, where officials were also investigating him for helping "customers with their DMV transactions," police said. Jabbour faces charges of felony criminal impersonation and possession of a weapon. He was already out on bail following a July arrest on another impersonation charge.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mysterious manatee remains elusive
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Several people have reported seeing a manatee in the New York area, though confirmation of the marine mammal's visit remained elusive. Elaine Swedish-Rimmer, 70, said she saw the big beast Friday while fishing on a floating dock in Huntington, N.Y., Newsday reported. "I hear this grunting noise and I look down, and at first I thought it was a mass of seaweed," Swedish-Rimmer said. "Then, all of a sudden, it's this huge mass coming down." A family in the New York town also reported seeing the manatee off a nearby dock Wednesday, but both witness reports had yet to be confirmed. The creature, thought to between nine to 10 feet long, may have also been spotted in Centerport, N.Y., Saturday as several witnesses claim to have seen a manatee-like animal in area waters. Manatees are not native to the area, though experts say it isn't unheard for one to travel so far north, Newsday said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cops bust movie set, not robbery
SALEM, Mass. (UPI) -- Police officers in North Andover, Mass., inadvertently interrupted a movie set thinking it was the site of a robbery attempt, a director says. Director John Depew said he was filming a scene at a North Andover convenience store last weekend when police suddenly stormed in to apprehend their suspects, Boston's WCVB-TV reported. "They came in and they said, 'Drop the gun' and I couldn't see the officer because he was behind (me)," Depew said. "I said, 'It's a movie, it's a movie -- we're filming a movie!'" Depew said two actors playing robbers were placed in handcuffs by the officers, but were released after the situation was explained. WCVB-TV said the confusion was brought about by a mistaken 911 call from someone who said an actual robbery was taking place at the store.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies’ man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress. "So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned. "Actually, sir," she pointed out sweetly, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn’t even around."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I'm The Boss
The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mean Old Woman
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Angry Couple
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans be-
tween the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States
on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? President Bush
commented on this today, he said, 'Why do we need our kids
to find the U.S. on a map? They're already here.'" -Jay Leno
***
"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my
fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be
home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving with-
out me!" -David Letterman
***
"This week, scientists have discovered a celestial body that
is 18 billion times more massive than the sun. It was im-
mediately hired to co-host The View." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm
going to shoot him!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that
stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age
65?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now
108."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dead Mule
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied: "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
All of the Wal-Marts across Mississippi sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.
A reliable source said that one of the purchasers, an elderly gentleman who would only give his first name as "Bubba" commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as heck ain't doin' it to Mississippi.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New ApartmentBill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in.Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest about the size of his family!After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place that was ideal.The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven .. but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."He got the apartment!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fake cop nailed again at DMV
MASSAPEQUA, N.Y. (UPI) -- Authorities say they have again apprehended a New York man attempting to impersonate a police officer -- or a state official -- or a bail bondsman. Patrick Jabbour, 39, was arrested Friday at state Department of Motor Vehicles offices for at least the third time, attempting to pass himself off as a law enforcement agent. He has already done prison time for burglary, robbery and impersonating a police officer, Newsday reported. Jabbour's disheveled, long-haired, tattooed personal appearance helped investigators track him down at the DMV, where officials were also investigating him for helping "customers with their DMV transactions," police said. Jabbour faces charges of felony criminal impersonation and possession of a weapon. He was already out on bail following a July arrest on another impersonation charge.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mysterious manatee remains elusive
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Several people have reported seeing a manatee in the New York area, though confirmation of the marine mammal's visit remained elusive. Elaine Swedish-Rimmer, 70, said she saw the big beast Friday while fishing on a floating dock in Huntington, N.Y., Newsday reported. "I hear this grunting noise and I look down, and at first I thought it was a mass of seaweed," Swedish-Rimmer said. "Then, all of a sudden, it's this huge mass coming down." A family in the New York town also reported seeing the manatee off a nearby dock Wednesday, but both witness reports had yet to be confirmed. The creature, thought to between nine to 10 feet long, may have also been spotted in Centerport, N.Y., Saturday as several witnesses claim to have seen a manatee-like animal in area waters. Manatees are not native to the area, though experts say it isn't unheard for one to travel so far north, Newsday said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cops bust movie set, not robbery
SALEM, Mass. (UPI) -- Police officers in North Andover, Mass., inadvertently interrupted a movie set thinking it was the site of a robbery attempt, a director says. Director John Depew said he was filming a scene at a North Andover convenience store last weekend when police suddenly stormed in to apprehend their suspects, Boston's WCVB-TV reported. "They came in and they said, 'Drop the gun' and I couldn't see the officer because he was behind (me)," Depew said. "I said, 'It's a movie, it's a movie -- we're filming a movie!'" Depew said two actors playing robbers were placed in handcuffs by the officers, but were released after the situation was explained. WCVB-TV said the confusion was brought about by a mistaken 911 call from someone who said an actual robbery was taking place at the store.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 9th
Another Word for Danger
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Old Loving
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend. “Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dinner Invitation
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do
about it?" --Emo Philips
***
You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical
school? They call him "Doctor". --Abe Lemons
***
"I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved
Oedipus complex. Which, according to them, meant I want to
sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father
doesn't even want to sleep with my mother."
--Dennis Wolfberg
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Driving through New Jersey on Interstate 80 en route from
Pennsylvania to New York, I came upon a group of cars that
were abnormally traveling exactly at the 55 m.p.h. speed
limit. In the middle of the group was a state police cruiser
that everyone was reluctant to pass.
After several minutes the officer's voice rang out over his
roof-mounted loudspeaker. "For heaven's sake, move!" he
commanded. "I am a Pennsylvania trooper."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a
Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will,
to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the
booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got
him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general yelled, "Fire at Will!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Rustic Dining"
As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.
One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now stay there this time."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
FBI Pizza
There was a man who worked the night desk at the local FBI office. The office received a lot of misdialed calls, because their number was similar to a local pizza restaurant.
One night he answered the phone, "FBI."
When the caller hesitated, he said, "You meant to call Dominoes..."
The caller exclaimed "WOW! You guys really DO know everything!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Fate"
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
Oneliner
"Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Parking"
"Whatever you do, when you stop by the auto-wrecking yard, don't park your small car in a spot marked 'Compact.'"- Lil Owens
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Lil Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREEKITTENS" next to them.
Suddenly a big line of big black cars drove up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. "Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?", he asked.
"Kittens," Lil Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."
"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked. "They are Democrats," says Lil Suzy. The tall man smiled broadly, returned to his car and they drove away.
Sensing a great photo opportunity, the tall man, Senator Barak Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.
The next day, Lil Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up again. This time with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN. Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Senator Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Lil Suzy.
"Now don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."
"Yes, sir," Suzy said, "they are all REPUBLICAN kittens."
Taken by surprise before so much of the media, Senator Obama said, "But honey, yesterday when I stopped, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."
Lil Suzy says, "Yes sir, I know I said that. But today, they have their eyes open."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New Bank Teller"I hear the bank is looking for a new teller.""I thought they just hired a new teller last week.""Right. That's the one they're looking for."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Thieves roll away grand piano
SPOKANE, Wash. (UPI) -- Law enforcement authorities in Spokane, Wash., don't think it was magic -- they think the disappearance of a grand piano was a brazen theft. An employee at the Ridpath Hotel says the concert piano was in its usual place when she left for her dinner break around 11 p.m. Saturday, but she noticed the more than century-old Steinway Grand Piano was gone before 2 a.m. Sunday. The thieves apparently knew what they were doing. The black Steinway weighs nearly 1,000 pounds and was worth at least $25,000, KXLY-TV, Spokane, reported. The hotel is offering a reward for the instrument's return.
///
Police: Stab wounds came from peeler game
HIO, Sweden (UPI) -- Police in Hio, Sweden, said a man apparently received serious stab wounds while playing a game involving potato peelers. Lars Johansson of the Swedish police said the 20-year-old man's non-life threatening injuries were apparently incurred while he was playing a game with another man that involved pressing potato peelers against one another's stomachs, The Local reported. Johansson said the game is known to be common among young men in the area. Police said the public prosecutor had not yet determined whether any charges will be filed in the case.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Rich Lawyer
A rich lawyer was going down the street in his limo when he
saw a hobo kneeling in a park, eating the grass. The lawyer
asked his chauffeur to stop and rolled down the window to
talk to the poor fellow. The lawyer asked, "How come you are
eating this grass?"
The hobo replied, "I have no money and no house, so my
family and I live in this park, eat the grass, and drink out
of the drinking fountain."
The lawyer said, "Well, I'm rich. Go get your family and
friends, and you can all come to my house and I'll feed
you."
Eventually the hobo, his family, his friends, and his
friends' families all piled into the limo. As they were
driving down the road, the lawyer broke the silence. "You
know, you guys are really going to like it at my house. The
grass is at least a foot long in the back."
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Old Loving
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend. “Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dinner Invitation
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do
about it?" --Emo Philips
***
You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical
school? They call him "Doctor". --Abe Lemons
***
"I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved
Oedipus complex. Which, according to them, meant I want to
sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father
doesn't even want to sleep with my mother."
--Dennis Wolfberg
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Driving through New Jersey on Interstate 80 en route from
Pennsylvania to New York, I came upon a group of cars that
were abnormally traveling exactly at the 55 m.p.h. speed
limit. In the middle of the group was a state police cruiser
that everyone was reluctant to pass.
After several minutes the officer's voice rang out over his
roof-mounted loudspeaker. "For heaven's sake, move!" he
commanded. "I am a Pennsylvania trooper."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a
Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will,
to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the
booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got
him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general yelled, "Fire at Will!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Rustic Dining"
As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.
One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now stay there this time."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
FBI Pizza
There was a man who worked the night desk at the local FBI office. The office received a lot of misdialed calls, because their number was similar to a local pizza restaurant.
One night he answered the phone, "FBI."
When the caller hesitated, he said, "You meant to call Dominoes..."
The caller exclaimed "WOW! You guys really DO know everything!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Fate"
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
Oneliner
"Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Parking"
"Whatever you do, when you stop by the auto-wrecking yard, don't park your small car in a spot marked 'Compact.'"- Lil Owens
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Lil Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREEKITTENS" next to them.
Suddenly a big line of big black cars drove up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. "Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?", he asked.
"Kittens," Lil Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."
"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked. "They are Democrats," says Lil Suzy. The tall man smiled broadly, returned to his car and they drove away.
Sensing a great photo opportunity, the tall man, Senator Barak Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.
The next day, Lil Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up again. This time with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN. Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Senator Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Lil Suzy.
"Now don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."
"Yes, sir," Suzy said, "they are all REPUBLICAN kittens."
Taken by surprise before so much of the media, Senator Obama said, "But honey, yesterday when I stopped, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."
Lil Suzy says, "Yes sir, I know I said that. But today, they have their eyes open."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New Bank Teller"I hear the bank is looking for a new teller.""I thought they just hired a new teller last week.""Right. That's the one they're looking for."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Thieves roll away grand piano
SPOKANE, Wash. (UPI) -- Law enforcement authorities in Spokane, Wash., don't think it was magic -- they think the disappearance of a grand piano was a brazen theft. An employee at the Ridpath Hotel says the concert piano was in its usual place when she left for her dinner break around 11 p.m. Saturday, but she noticed the more than century-old Steinway Grand Piano was gone before 2 a.m. Sunday. The thieves apparently knew what they were doing. The black Steinway weighs nearly 1,000 pounds and was worth at least $25,000, KXLY-TV, Spokane, reported. The hotel is offering a reward for the instrument's return.
///
Police: Stab wounds came from peeler game
HIO, Sweden (UPI) -- Police in Hio, Sweden, said a man apparently received serious stab wounds while playing a game involving potato peelers. Lars Johansson of the Swedish police said the 20-year-old man's non-life threatening injuries were apparently incurred while he was playing a game with another man that involved pressing potato peelers against one another's stomachs, The Local reported. Johansson said the game is known to be common among young men in the area. Police said the public prosecutor had not yet determined whether any charges will be filed in the case.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Rich Lawyer
A rich lawyer was going down the street in his limo when he
saw a hobo kneeling in a park, eating the grass. The lawyer
asked his chauffeur to stop and rolled down the window to
talk to the poor fellow. The lawyer asked, "How come you are
eating this grass?"
The hobo replied, "I have no money and no house, so my
family and I live in this park, eat the grass, and drink out
of the drinking fountain."
The lawyer said, "Well, I'm rich. Go get your family and
friends, and you can all come to my house and I'll feed
you."
Eventually the hobo, his family, his friends, and his
friends' families all piled into the limo. As they were
driving down the road, the lawyer broke the silence. "You
know, you guys are really going to like it at my house. The
grass is at least a foot long in the back."
Monday, September 08, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 8th
Weird News
Emu appears in Alabama man's yard
CHUNCHULA, Ala. (UPI) -- A Chunchula, Ala., man says an emu, a large Australian bird, mysteriously appeared one morning in his front yard. Greg Ritchie said the ostrich-cousin showed up in his yard Tuesday and thus far he has been unable to determine the bird's origins, WALA-TV in Mobile, Ala., reported Wednesday. "He showed up yesterday around 11:00 and has been here since," Ritchie said of the emu. "Just trying to keep him here and keep him out of the highway and getting injured." Ritchie said he has been feeding the emu cracked corn and keeping it at a distance with a rake. However, he said he is worried the big bird will wander onto the highway before he can find its owner. "He's been around for two days now. Hopefully he'll still be here when the owner comes to claim him," he said.
///
114-year-old cairn held time capsule
QUINCY, Mass. (UPI) -- Workers taking apart a cairn in Quincy, Mass., said they discovered a time capsule they believe was from when the rocks were first piled 114 years ago. The masonry team working to restore the structure said they found a box inside the Abigail Adams Cairn that was inside a brick-lined chamber at the landmark's center and covered with a slab of granite, the Quincy Patriot Ledger reported Wednesday. The time capsule was taken to the historical society at the Adams Academy to determine the best way to open the soldered-shut metal box. "Usually it's everyday materials; it's not like we're going to find the secret of the ages in there or anything like that," said Ed Fitzgerald, director of the Quincy Historical Society. "Purely things of historical interest, not anything of value. No one is going to put their diamonds in there." However, Quincy Mayor Thomas Koch expressed excitement at the find. "What started as sort of a mundane project has now got some excitement to it,'' he said. "I'm anxious to see what kind of items would be included. It's kind of fascinating."
///
Police chase monkey in Tokyo subway
TOKYO (UPI) -- Tokyo police have chased a monkey out of a subway station, marking the third time a monkey has been spotted inside the city this month, authorities said. The spectacle of a monkey, usually in the mountains and hills outside of the city, perched atop the arrivals and departures board at one of Tokyo's busiest subway stations led many commuters to gather and take cell phone pictures of the animal while police roped off the area, CNN reported Wednesday. About 30 police officers wielding green nets and tarps attempted to trap the monkey, but the spry simian jumped into the assembled crowd and outran the pursuing officers outside the station. Monkeys were previously spotted in Tokyo Aug. 12 and Monday, but authorities said they do not know whether all three sightings were of the same animal.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Lawyer Dad
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
SR-71 Pilots
There were a lot of things we couldn't do in an SR-71, but
we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding
our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if,
because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would
not be the first word I would use to describe flying this
plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day
in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was
pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a
moment.
It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training
sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our
training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over
Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the
turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My
gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to
feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would
soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a
great deal of confidence in the plane in the past ten
months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below
us, I could already see the coast of California from the
Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months
of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.
I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Walter in the back
seat. There he was, with no really good view of the
incredible sights before us, tasked with monitoring four
different radios. This was good practice for him for when we
began flying real missions, when a priority transmission
from headquarters could be vital. It had been difficult,
too, for me to relinquish control of the radios, as during
my entire flying career I had controlled my own
transmissions. But it was part of the division of duties in
this plane and I had adjusted to it. I still insisted on
talking on the radio while we were on the ground, however.
Walt was so good at many things, but he couldn't match my
expertise at sounding smooth on the radios, a skill that had
been honed sharply with years in fighter squadrons where the
slightest radio miscue was grounds for beheading. He
understood that and allowed me that luxury. Just to get a
sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio
toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with
him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles
Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their
sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly),
we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk
to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace.
We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked
Center for a readout of his ground speed.
Center replied: "November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at
ninety knots on the ground."
Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was
that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a
Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact
same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel
important. I referred to it as the "HoustonCenterVoice." I
have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on
this country's space program and listening to the calm and
distinct voice of the HoustonCenterControllers, that all
other controllers since then wanted to sound like that...
and that they basically did. And it didn't matter what
sector of the country we would be flying in, it always
seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that
tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to
pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always
wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like
Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die
than sound bad on the radios.
Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped
up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his
ground speed.
"Ah, Twin Beach: I have you at one hundred and twenty-five
knots of ground speed."
Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is
dazzling his Cessna brethren.
Then out of the blue, a Navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore
came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock
because he sounded very cool on the radios.
"Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check."
Before Center could reply, I'm thinking to myself, hey,
Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million dollar
cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I
got it -- ol' Dusty here is making sure that every bug
smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true
speed is. He's the fastest dude in the valley today, and he
just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his
new Hornet.
And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more
distinct alliteration than emotion:
"Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground."
And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what?
As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had
to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios.
Still, I thought, it must be done -- in mere seconds we'll
be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That
Hornet must die, and die now.
I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it
was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump
in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that
we had worked toward becoming. I was torn. Somewhere, 13
miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his
space helmet.
Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back
seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had
become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion,
Walter spoke: "Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us
a ground speed check?"
There was no hesitation, and the reply came as if was an
everyday request: "Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand
eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground."
I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so
accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information
without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But
the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going
to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed
the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like
voice: "Ah, Center, much thanks. We're showing closer to
nineteen hundred on the money."
For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little
crack in the armor of the HoustonCenterVoice, when L.A. came
back with, "Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably
more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one."
It all had lasted for just moments, but in that short,
memorable sprint across the southwest, the Navy had been
flamed, all mortal airplanes on freq were forced to bow
before the King of Speed, and more importantly, Walter and I
had crossed the threshold of being a crew. A fine day's
work.
We never heard another transmission on that frequency all
the way to the coast. For just one day, it truly was fun
being the fastest guys out there.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Emu appears in Alabama man's yard
CHUNCHULA, Ala. (UPI) -- A Chunchula, Ala., man says an emu, a large Australian bird, mysteriously appeared one morning in his front yard. Greg Ritchie said the ostrich-cousin showed up in his yard Tuesday and thus far he has been unable to determine the bird's origins, WALA-TV in Mobile, Ala., reported Wednesday. "He showed up yesterday around 11:00 and has been here since," Ritchie said of the emu. "Just trying to keep him here and keep him out of the highway and getting injured." Ritchie said he has been feeding the emu cracked corn and keeping it at a distance with a rake. However, he said he is worried the big bird will wander onto the highway before he can find its owner. "He's been around for two days now. Hopefully he'll still be here when the owner comes to claim him," he said.
///
114-year-old cairn held time capsule
QUINCY, Mass. (UPI) -- Workers taking apart a cairn in Quincy, Mass., said they discovered a time capsule they believe was from when the rocks were first piled 114 years ago. The masonry team working to restore the structure said they found a box inside the Abigail Adams Cairn that was inside a brick-lined chamber at the landmark's center and covered with a slab of granite, the Quincy Patriot Ledger reported Wednesday. The time capsule was taken to the historical society at the Adams Academy to determine the best way to open the soldered-shut metal box. "Usually it's everyday materials; it's not like we're going to find the secret of the ages in there or anything like that," said Ed Fitzgerald, director of the Quincy Historical Society. "Purely things of historical interest, not anything of value. No one is going to put their diamonds in there." However, Quincy Mayor Thomas Koch expressed excitement at the find. "What started as sort of a mundane project has now got some excitement to it,'' he said. "I'm anxious to see what kind of items would be included. It's kind of fascinating."
///
Police chase monkey in Tokyo subway
TOKYO (UPI) -- Tokyo police have chased a monkey out of a subway station, marking the third time a monkey has been spotted inside the city this month, authorities said. The spectacle of a monkey, usually in the mountains and hills outside of the city, perched atop the arrivals and departures board at one of Tokyo's busiest subway stations led many commuters to gather and take cell phone pictures of the animal while police roped off the area, CNN reported Wednesday. About 30 police officers wielding green nets and tarps attempted to trap the monkey, but the spry simian jumped into the assembled crowd and outran the pursuing officers outside the station. Monkeys were previously spotted in Tokyo Aug. 12 and Monday, but authorities said they do not know whether all three sightings were of the same animal.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Lawyer Dad
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
SR-71 Pilots
There were a lot of things we couldn't do in an SR-71, but
we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding
our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if,
because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would
not be the first word I would use to describe flying this
plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day
in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was
pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a
moment.
It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training
sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our
training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over
Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the
turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My
gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to
feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would
soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a
great deal of confidence in the plane in the past ten
months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below
us, I could already see the coast of California from the
Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months
of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.
I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Walter in the back
seat. There he was, with no really good view of the
incredible sights before us, tasked with monitoring four
different radios. This was good practice for him for when we
began flying real missions, when a priority transmission
from headquarters could be vital. It had been difficult,
too, for me to relinquish control of the radios, as during
my entire flying career I had controlled my own
transmissions. But it was part of the division of duties in
this plane and I had adjusted to it. I still insisted on
talking on the radio while we were on the ground, however.
Walt was so good at many things, but he couldn't match my
expertise at sounding smooth on the radios, a skill that had
been honed sharply with years in fighter squadrons where the
slightest radio miscue was grounds for beheading. He
understood that and allowed me that luxury. Just to get a
sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio
toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with
him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles
Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their
sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly),
we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk
to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace.
We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked
Center for a readout of his ground speed.
Center replied: "November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at
ninety knots on the ground."
Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was
that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a
Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact
same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel
important. I referred to it as the "HoustonCenterVoice." I
have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on
this country's space program and listening to the calm and
distinct voice of the HoustonCenterControllers, that all
other controllers since then wanted to sound like that...
and that they basically did. And it didn't matter what
sector of the country we would be flying in, it always
seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that
tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to
pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always
wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like
Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die
than sound bad on the radios.
Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped
up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his
ground speed.
"Ah, Twin Beach: I have you at one hundred and twenty-five
knots of ground speed."
Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is
dazzling his Cessna brethren.
Then out of the blue, a Navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore
came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock
because he sounded very cool on the radios.
"Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check."
Before Center could reply, I'm thinking to myself, hey,
Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million dollar
cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I
got it -- ol' Dusty here is making sure that every bug
smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true
speed is. He's the fastest dude in the valley today, and he
just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his
new Hornet.
And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more
distinct alliteration than emotion:
"Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground."
And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what?
As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had
to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios.
Still, I thought, it must be done -- in mere seconds we'll
be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That
Hornet must die, and die now.
I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it
was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump
in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that
we had worked toward becoming. I was torn. Somewhere, 13
miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his
space helmet.
Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back
seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had
become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion,
Walter spoke: "Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us
a ground speed check?"
There was no hesitation, and the reply came as if was an
everyday request: "Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand
eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground."
I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so
accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information
without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But
the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going
to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed
the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like
voice: "Ah, Center, much thanks. We're showing closer to
nineteen hundred on the money."
For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little
crack in the armor of the HoustonCenterVoice, when L.A. came
back with, "Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably
more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one."
It all had lasted for just moments, but in that short,
memorable sprint across the southwest, the Navy had been
flamed, all mortal airplanes on freq were forced to bow
before the King of Speed, and more importantly, Walter and I
had crossed the threshold of being a crew. A fine day's
work.
We never heard another transmission on that frequency all
the way to the coast. For just one day, it truly was fun
being the fastest guys out there.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Sunday, September 07, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 7th
Going the Extra MileUK Northampton police summoned a van from 60 miles away (a 120 mile round trip) just to take a prisoner across the street because making him walk across the street would have violated his human rights."Mark Bailey, 35, was taken to a Crown Court but after a brief hearing sent immediately to the Magistrates' Court across the road. Police said Bailey could not be walked across the street in handcuffs because it would breach his human rights - so a van was scrambled from 60 miles away for the 30 second journey.""Brian Binley, Conservative MP for Northampton South, said: `I've never heard such nonsense. Why we should have to suffer such ludicrous incompetence, and pay for it, is beyond me.' "
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Dog Growth"
A distraught dog owner called his vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth. The vet told him to bring the animal right over.
When the man came in, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously waiting. At last the vet turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"
"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.
"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "The More" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The more generous we are,the more joyous we become.
The more cooperative we are,the more valuable we become.
The more enthusiastic we are,the more productive we become.
The more serving we are,the more prosperous we become.
The more outgoing we are,the more helpful we become.
The more curious we are,the more creative we become.
The more patient we are,the more understanding we become.
The more persistent we are,the more successful we become.
- William Arthur Ward
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Growing Old
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each. Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! The wife had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! The husband turned 90!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Woman's Dream
A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, middle-aged man enters. He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her. Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20... But, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is. The man replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address. She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Clean my house!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Toilet Paper
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Not sure because it never happens.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Wanna Play House?
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Curses!
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Klotschtein."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Regular or Premium
When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband. "It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Open to Interpretation
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Perfect Woman
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game. That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other. At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?' Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.' The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?' 'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Where is my Paper?
For all of us who are---seniors---for all of you who know seniors---and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
Where Is My Paper? Speaking of Senior Moments:
The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday. There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.
'So that's why no one was in church today.'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Dog Growth"
A distraught dog owner called his vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth. The vet told him to bring the animal right over.
When the man came in, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously waiting. At last the vet turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"
"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.
"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "The More" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The more generous we are,the more joyous we become.
The more cooperative we are,the more valuable we become.
The more enthusiastic we are,the more productive we become.
The more serving we are,the more prosperous we become.
The more outgoing we are,the more helpful we become.
The more curious we are,the more creative we become.
The more patient we are,the more understanding we become.
The more persistent we are,the more successful we become.
- William Arthur Ward
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Growing Old
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each. Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! The wife had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! The husband turned 90!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Woman's Dream
A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, middle-aged man enters. He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her. Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20... But, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is. The man replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address. She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Clean my house!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Toilet Paper
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Not sure because it never happens.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Wanna Play House?
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Curses!
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Klotschtein."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Regular or Premium
When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband. "It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Open to Interpretation
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Perfect Woman
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game. That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other. At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?' Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.' The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?' 'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Where is my Paper?
For all of us who are---seniors---for all of you who know seniors---and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
Where Is My Paper? Speaking of Senior Moments:
The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday. There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.
'So that's why no one was in church today.'
Saturday, September 06, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 6th
During a hike with my friend I noticed a black bird roosting
in a nearby tree. "I've always wondered what the difference
is between a crow and a raven," I said.
"You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings," my
friend explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If it's
five, it's a raven."
"Really?" I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue what
he was talking about.
"Oh yes," he replied, "the difference is just a matter of a
pinion."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Arranged Marriage
The son came home from school and asked his father, "Today I learned that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Dad replied, "That happens in most countries, son."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Your Parrot Is Dead, Senor!Doling out bad news in manageable portions...
At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”“Si, Senor, that's the one.”“Damn, that's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”“Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?”“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”“Dead horse? What dead horse?”“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”“Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”“Are you insane? What water cart?”“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”“What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”“Yes, Senor Rod...”“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!”“Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 460 golf club.”SILENCE... LONG SILENCE... “Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep #*@&!@*#$%^!”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Beijing Olympics FakebookClassics in the Wong Time and the Wong Placesee also Olympic Section
A Stranger in my Own Home Tong A Whole Lhasa Shakin' Goin' On Beijing the Beguine Beijing Went the Strings of My Heart Canton Races China, China, Harvest Moon Commie Irresponsible Dimsum On the Ceiling Ginseng in the Duck Gong With the Wind Great Wall's Afire! Hello Dalai I’m Getting Sent a Mai Tai Over You In The Coolie Coolie Coolie Of The Evening If You Knew Suey Like I Know Suey It Might As Well Beijing It Was Szechuan of Those Things Kimono My House Mao Swell Ming To Me Mr. Sampan (Bring Me a Dream) Mu-Shu-Tang Sally Oolong Has This Been Going On? Peking Whoopee Red Sails in the Sun Yat Sen Rice Work If You Can Get It Send in the Kowloons Shanghai the Moon Shrimp Toast Is A-Comin' Spring Roll Be a Little Late This Year Starch Fell On Alabama Tea For 1.4 Billion The Mandarin I Love The Mao I See You The Suey With the Fringe On Top Tibet Is Yet To Come Tickee To Ride Tien An Men Hands Try a Little Tenderizer Turn Out The SARS Wokking My Baby Back Home Wonton-a-Mera Yangtze Doodle Dandy You Gotta Acc-U-Punc-Tu-Ate the Positive
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Things You Should Know But Don’tWhat astronauts don't do to protect their space suits…see also Language Section
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.5. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.6. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.7. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.8. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.9. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.10. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.11. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.12. Most lipstick contains fish scales.13. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.14. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.15. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller 'lower case' letters.16. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time – the 1st instance of multi-tasking.17. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.18. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.19. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before.20. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver.21. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors.22. It took Leonardo DaVinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.29. Celery has negative calories - it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
in a nearby tree. "I've always wondered what the difference
is between a crow and a raven," I said.
"You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings," my
friend explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If it's
five, it's a raven."
"Really?" I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue what
he was talking about.
"Oh yes," he replied, "the difference is just a matter of a
pinion."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Arranged Marriage
The son came home from school and asked his father, "Today I learned that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Dad replied, "That happens in most countries, son."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Your Parrot Is Dead, Senor!Doling out bad news in manageable portions...
At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”“Si, Senor, that's the one.”“Damn, that's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”“Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?”“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”“Dead horse? What dead horse?”“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”“Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”“Are you insane? What water cart?”“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”“What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”“Yes, Senor Rod...”“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!”“Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 460 golf club.”SILENCE... LONG SILENCE... “Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep #*@&!@*#$%^!”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Beijing Olympics FakebookClassics in the Wong Time and the Wong Placesee also Olympic Section
A Stranger in my Own Home Tong A Whole Lhasa Shakin' Goin' On Beijing the Beguine Beijing Went the Strings of My Heart Canton Races China, China, Harvest Moon Commie Irresponsible Dimsum On the Ceiling Ginseng in the Duck Gong With the Wind Great Wall's Afire! Hello Dalai I’m Getting Sent a Mai Tai Over You In The Coolie Coolie Coolie Of The Evening If You Knew Suey Like I Know Suey It Might As Well Beijing It Was Szechuan of Those Things Kimono My House Mao Swell Ming To Me Mr. Sampan (Bring Me a Dream) Mu-Shu-Tang Sally Oolong Has This Been Going On? Peking Whoopee Red Sails in the Sun Yat Sen Rice Work If You Can Get It Send in the Kowloons Shanghai the Moon Shrimp Toast Is A-Comin' Spring Roll Be a Little Late This Year Starch Fell On Alabama Tea For 1.4 Billion The Mandarin I Love The Mao I See You The Suey With the Fringe On Top Tibet Is Yet To Come Tickee To Ride Tien An Men Hands Try a Little Tenderizer Turn Out The SARS Wokking My Baby Back Home Wonton-a-Mera Yangtze Doodle Dandy You Gotta Acc-U-Punc-Tu-Ate the Positive
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Things You Should Know But Don’tWhat astronauts don't do to protect their space suits…see also Language Section
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.5. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.6. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.7. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.8. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.9. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.10. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.11. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.12. Most lipstick contains fish scales.13. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.14. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.15. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller 'lower case' letters.16. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time – the 1st instance of multi-tasking.17. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.18. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.19. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before.20. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver.21. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors.22. It took Leonardo DaVinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.29. Celery has negative calories - it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
Friday, September 05, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 5th
Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?" "Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Questions About the 2010 Olympics
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010
Winter Olympics, people all over the world are asking
questions. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada
were posted on an International Tourism Website.
(Frightening, isn't it?)
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the
plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow
the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?
(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you
send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and
Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north...oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you
get here, and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the
female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available
all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan
hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a moose. It is tall and very violent, eating
the brains of anyone walking close to it. You can scare it
off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Honest LawyerAn investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $150,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive ... and what sort of case was that?"The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Pick Up Line
A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Colorful Love
It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies. Alice was feeling romantic. 'Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?' she crooned. 'Why not?' Al replied. 'Didn't I love you through four other shades?'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Is It Love?
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Three Sisters
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together. One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled. The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?" The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure. Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity
drug for dogs. I'm no veterinarian, but if your dog is
over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl.
Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking
your car keys and driving to McDonalds?" --Jay Leno
***
"She's fine, but the other day in England, an 80-year-old
woman was out for a walk in the country when she was
attacked by three wild pigs. Experts say this is odd
because usually British food attacks you after you eat it."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"It seems like every couple of weeks McDonald's is making
their menu more diet friendly. They're now offering a third
of a pound hamburger. The damn hamburger weighs a third of
a pound. Don't worry... you get a pretty good workout at
the ketchup pump." -Dave Letterman
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Dean of admissions at Bates College in Maine reads through
reams of applications from nervous high school seniors, some
maybe a little more nervous than others. Here are a few...
"If there is a single word to describe me, that word would be
'profectionist'."
"I was abducted into the National Honor Society."
"I function well as an individual and a group."
"Mathematics has hung like a stork around my neck."
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?" "Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Questions About the 2010 Olympics
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010
Winter Olympics, people all over the world are asking
questions. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada
were posted on an International Tourism Website.
(Frightening, isn't it?)
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the
plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow
the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?
(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you
send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and
Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north...oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you
get here, and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the
female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available
all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan
hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a moose. It is tall and very violent, eating
the brains of anyone walking close to it. You can scare it
off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Honest LawyerAn investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $150,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive ... and what sort of case was that?"The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Pick Up Line
A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Colorful Love
It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies. Alice was feeling romantic. 'Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?' she crooned. 'Why not?' Al replied. 'Didn't I love you through four other shades?'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Is It Love?
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Three Sisters
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together. One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled. The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?" The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure. Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity
drug for dogs. I'm no veterinarian, but if your dog is
over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl.
Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking
your car keys and driving to McDonalds?" --Jay Leno
***
"She's fine, but the other day in England, an 80-year-old
woman was out for a walk in the country when she was
attacked by three wild pigs. Experts say this is odd
because usually British food attacks you after you eat it."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"It seems like every couple of weeks McDonald's is making
their menu more diet friendly. They're now offering a third
of a pound hamburger. The damn hamburger weighs a third of
a pound. Don't worry... you get a pretty good workout at
the ketchup pump." -Dave Letterman
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Dean of admissions at Bates College in Maine reads through
reams of applications from nervous high school seniors, some
maybe a little more nervous than others. Here are a few...
"If there is a single word to describe me, that word would be
'profectionist'."
"I was abducted into the National Honor Society."
"I function well as an individual and a group."
"Mathematics has hung like a stork around my neck."
Thursday, September 04, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 4th
Unusual Dog
A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Healthy Life
Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Where We Went Wrong
The old Sioux chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events in New York, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials and continued smoking his pipe for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. No house payments. No Daycare. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the cooking. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time." The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I'd had enough of my employees' abusing their allotted break
time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign
on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute
breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes."
***
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He
stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was
a dog!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Stormy weather diverted our Dallas-bound flight to another
airport. As we approached the runway, the pilot came on the
intercom: "For those of you who are not familiar with the
area, this is Lubbock, Texas." Then he paused. "And for
those of you who are familiar with this area, I think this
is Lubbock, Texas."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retains a
strict military code of ethics as well as a quick wit. One
day I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my belly-
button pierced. "No way!" my father fired back. "This is an
Air Force family -- no navel destroyers are allowed!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Chasing The Cat
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate wife's birthday. They'd gotten ready - all dressed up - put the cat out, and called a cab.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat ran back into the house.
Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he said, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Store Safety"
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"Memories and mistakes should be guideposts, not hitching posts."- Paul Powers
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Wit's End Corner" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
~~ Wit's End Corner ~~Are you standing at "Wits End Corner",Christian, with troubled brow?Are you thinking of what is before you,And all your bearing now?Does all the world seem against you,And you in the battle alone?Remember-at "Wits End Corner,"Is just where God's power is shown.Are you standing at "Wits End Corner",Blinded with wearing pain,Feeling you can not endure it,You cannot bear the strain,Bruised through the constant suffering,Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?Remember at "Wits End Corner"Is where Jesus loves to come.Are you standing at "Wits End Corner",Your work before you spread,All lying begun, unfinished,And pressing on heart and head,Longing for strength to do it,Stretching out trembling hands?Remember - at "Wits End Corner,The burden bearer stands.Are you standing at "Wits End Corner?Then you're just in the very spot,To learn the wondrous resourcesOf Him who faileth not:No doubt to a brighter pathwayYour footsteps will soon be moved,But only at "Wits End Corner"Is the "God who is able" proved.
- Antoinette Wilson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fast Food
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Bigfoot hoaxers beat feet
ATLANTA (UPI) -- The alleged corpse of Bigfoot has been ruled a hoax and now the perpetrators appear to just as elusive as the mythical creature. The Searching for Bigfoot Web site said the frozen form two Atlanta men had claimed last week was Sasquatch was really just a costume, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported Tuesday. Now the men, former Clayton County police officer Matthew Whitton and car salesman Rick Dyer, aren't being quite so talkative, reported the newspaper, which said its calls to them weren't returned. The Web site said the hoax was revealed when the block of ice containing the figure melted during the weekend and the pair later confessed it was only a costume. Whitton, 28, had been on medical leave after being shot in the wrist by a robbery suspect this year, but was fired after his boss heard about the charade. "He's disgraced himself, he's an embarrassment to the Clayton County Police Department, his credibility and integrity as an officer is gone, and I have no use for him," Chief Jeffrey Turner said. "His behavior is unbecoming of that of a police officer."
///
Fleeing robber drops ID
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Police chasing a suspected shoplifter in New York got a break when the man discarded a wallet holding his identification and his alleged victim's credit cards. Trent Jones allegedly worked with an accomplice last week at the Pioneer Market in Manhattan. Police believe he took a wallet from an 81-year-old widow's pocketbook while his buddy talked to her about tomatoes, the New York Post reported. When the woman realized her wallet was gone, managers at the store helped her look for the suspects on store surveillance tapes. They then looked out the door and saw the two men they had just seen on tape hanging out across the street. Jeremy Diaz, one of the managers, said the accomplice jumped on a bus and escaped. The other man ran into traffic on Lexington Avenue and was hit by a car but was able to keep running. As he ran, he allegedly tossed the wallet, apparently to get rid of incriminating evidence. But the contents identified him as Trent Jones, 25.
A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Healthy Life
Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Where We Went Wrong
The old Sioux chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events in New York, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials and continued smoking his pipe for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. No house payments. No Daycare. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the cooking. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time." The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I'd had enough of my employees' abusing their allotted break
time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign
on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute
breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes."
***
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He
stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was
a dog!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Stormy weather diverted our Dallas-bound flight to another
airport. As we approached the runway, the pilot came on the
intercom: "For those of you who are not familiar with the
area, this is Lubbock, Texas." Then he paused. "And for
those of you who are familiar with this area, I think this
is Lubbock, Texas."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retains a
strict military code of ethics as well as a quick wit. One
day I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my belly-
button pierced. "No way!" my father fired back. "This is an
Air Force family -- no navel destroyers are allowed!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Chasing The Cat
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate wife's birthday. They'd gotten ready - all dressed up - put the cat out, and called a cab.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat ran back into the house.
Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he said, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Store Safety"
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"Memories and mistakes should be guideposts, not hitching posts."- Paul Powers
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Wit's End Corner" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
~~ Wit's End Corner ~~Are you standing at "Wits End Corner",Christian, with troubled brow?Are you thinking of what is before you,And all your bearing now?Does all the world seem against you,And you in the battle alone?Remember-at "Wits End Corner,"Is just where God's power is shown.Are you standing at "Wits End Corner",Blinded with wearing pain,Feeling you can not endure it,You cannot bear the strain,Bruised through the constant suffering,Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?Remember at "Wits End Corner"Is where Jesus loves to come.Are you standing at "Wits End Corner",Your work before you spread,All lying begun, unfinished,And pressing on heart and head,Longing for strength to do it,Stretching out trembling hands?Remember - at "Wits End Corner,The burden bearer stands.Are you standing at "Wits End Corner?Then you're just in the very spot,To learn the wondrous resourcesOf Him who faileth not:No doubt to a brighter pathwayYour footsteps will soon be moved,But only at "Wits End Corner"Is the "God who is able" proved.
- Antoinette Wilson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fast Food
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Bigfoot hoaxers beat feet
ATLANTA (UPI) -- The alleged corpse of Bigfoot has been ruled a hoax and now the perpetrators appear to just as elusive as the mythical creature. The Searching for Bigfoot Web site said the frozen form two Atlanta men had claimed last week was Sasquatch was really just a costume, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported Tuesday. Now the men, former Clayton County police officer Matthew Whitton and car salesman Rick Dyer, aren't being quite so talkative, reported the newspaper, which said its calls to them weren't returned. The Web site said the hoax was revealed when the block of ice containing the figure melted during the weekend and the pair later confessed it was only a costume. Whitton, 28, had been on medical leave after being shot in the wrist by a robbery suspect this year, but was fired after his boss heard about the charade. "He's disgraced himself, he's an embarrassment to the Clayton County Police Department, his credibility and integrity as an officer is gone, and I have no use for him," Chief Jeffrey Turner said. "His behavior is unbecoming of that of a police officer."
///
Fleeing robber drops ID
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Police chasing a suspected shoplifter in New York got a break when the man discarded a wallet holding his identification and his alleged victim's credit cards. Trent Jones allegedly worked with an accomplice last week at the Pioneer Market in Manhattan. Police believe he took a wallet from an 81-year-old widow's pocketbook while his buddy talked to her about tomatoes, the New York Post reported. When the woman realized her wallet was gone, managers at the store helped her look for the suspects on store surveillance tapes. They then looked out the door and saw the two men they had just seen on tape hanging out across the street. Jeremy Diaz, one of the managers, said the accomplice jumped on a bus and escaped. The other man ran into traffic on Lexington Avenue and was hit by a car but was able to keep running. As he ran, he allegedly tossed the wallet, apparently to get rid of incriminating evidence. But the contents identified him as Trent Jones, 25.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 3rd
You Gotta Love Alabama
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage
out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why
are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see
that sign right over your head".
Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says 'Fine ForDumping Garbage'.
*************** A senior at Auburn was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Alabama because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
************ An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?' The driver replied, 'Got any I.D. bout whut?'************
A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, andproceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behindit.Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as hedrove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.The man replied, 'I got a flat tare.'The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
*********************
'Ya can say what ya want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wantin’ ta retire ta the North.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Fax Hint"
As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him quite simple.
When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, "Well, I would, but it's the only copy I have."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes - there's just too much fraternizing with the enemy."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Anti-Gravity"
I found a very interesting book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Golf Lessons”
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go.
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup.
The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Suspect got away clean, almost
WICHITA, Kan. (UPI) -- A man who broke into a house Wichita, Kansas, fled in his underwear after the homeowner showed up unexpectedly and caught him doing his laundry, police said. Investigators said the suspect, described as a white male in his 30s, is believed to have entered the home by breaking a basement window, The Telegraph reported Monday. The homeowner said the burglar was startled when she returned home, and high-tailed it out of there wearing just his blue boxer shorts -- and grabbing her purse on his way. The woman said she managed to chase the intruder and recover her purse but he half-naked suspect slipped away.
///
NYC turtlenapping: 1 count or 2?
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A Brooklyn, N.Y., pet-store owner is appealing to a shoplifter who made off with his two-headed turtle to bring back the missing reptile. Sean Casey told the New York Post the turtle has special needs, such as having to be hand fed to prevent fights between heads over food. The turtle disappeared Sunday from a tank at Casey's Hamilton Dog House while Casey was with a customer. "I grew up in the neighborhood and I know most of the people here," he said. "I did not expect it in this neighborhood." To add insult to injury, the Post said, Casey had to convince New York's finest over at the local precinct that he wasn't pulling their legs when he reported the theft.
///
Bride and groom arrested at reception
LAKESIDE, Mich. (UPI) -- A wedding reception in Lakeside, Mich., ended with the bride and groom spending the night in separate jail cells after a melee, police said. Investigators said Andy Somora, 29, and Anna Pastuszwska, 28, both formerly of Chicago, were shocked with police stun guns and arrested at the July 19 reception at Burnison Galleries after police officers from 14 departments were called to calm things down, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. "The short version of the story is they didn't want to quit their partying," said Mike Sepic, Berrien County's chief assistant prosecutor. "If you put this in the class of wedding receptions gone bad, I guess this would take the cake." Somora's father, uncle, aunt and cousin also were arrested. Somora pleaded guilty late last month to a felony charge of resisting and obstructing police. The groom, who also was charged with disturbing the peace, could face imprisonment at his Sept. 15 sentencing for the felony charge. Pastuszwska pleaded guilty to a reduced charge after she was initially accused of resisting and obstructing. She was fined $600.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
You Might Be a New Englander if...
Forget Rednecks ... here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say
about New Englanders...
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through
May, you live in New England.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and
they don't work there, you live in New England.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live
in New England.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone
who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City
for the weekend, you live in New England.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than
once, you live in New England.
If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day
and back again, you live in New England.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a
raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but
leave both unlocked, you live in New England.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows
how to use them, you live in New England.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit, you live in New England.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going
80, and everybody is passing you, you live in New England.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow, you live in New England.
If you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still
winter, and road construction, you live in New England.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,
you live in New England.
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly," you live in New
England.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to
all your New England friends, you live in New England.
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage
out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why
are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see
that sign right over your head".
Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says 'Fine ForDumping Garbage'.
*************** A senior at Auburn was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Alabama because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
************ An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?' The driver replied, 'Got any I.D. bout whut?'************
A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, andproceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behindit.Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as hedrove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.The man replied, 'I got a flat tare.'The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
*********************
'Ya can say what ya want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wantin’ ta retire ta the North.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Fax Hint"
As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him quite simple.
When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, "Well, I would, but it's the only copy I have."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes - there's just too much fraternizing with the enemy."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Anti-Gravity"
I found a very interesting book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Golf Lessons”
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go.
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup.
The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Suspect got away clean, almost
WICHITA, Kan. (UPI) -- A man who broke into a house Wichita, Kansas, fled in his underwear after the homeowner showed up unexpectedly and caught him doing his laundry, police said. Investigators said the suspect, described as a white male in his 30s, is believed to have entered the home by breaking a basement window, The Telegraph reported Monday. The homeowner said the burglar was startled when she returned home, and high-tailed it out of there wearing just his blue boxer shorts -- and grabbing her purse on his way. The woman said she managed to chase the intruder and recover her purse but he half-naked suspect slipped away.
///
NYC turtlenapping: 1 count or 2?
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A Brooklyn, N.Y., pet-store owner is appealing to a shoplifter who made off with his two-headed turtle to bring back the missing reptile. Sean Casey told the New York Post the turtle has special needs, such as having to be hand fed to prevent fights between heads over food. The turtle disappeared Sunday from a tank at Casey's Hamilton Dog House while Casey was with a customer. "I grew up in the neighborhood and I know most of the people here," he said. "I did not expect it in this neighborhood." To add insult to injury, the Post said, Casey had to convince New York's finest over at the local precinct that he wasn't pulling their legs when he reported the theft.
///
Bride and groom arrested at reception
LAKESIDE, Mich. (UPI) -- A wedding reception in Lakeside, Mich., ended with the bride and groom spending the night in separate jail cells after a melee, police said. Investigators said Andy Somora, 29, and Anna Pastuszwska, 28, both formerly of Chicago, were shocked with police stun guns and arrested at the July 19 reception at Burnison Galleries after police officers from 14 departments were called to calm things down, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. "The short version of the story is they didn't want to quit their partying," said Mike Sepic, Berrien County's chief assistant prosecutor. "If you put this in the class of wedding receptions gone bad, I guess this would take the cake." Somora's father, uncle, aunt and cousin also were arrested. Somora pleaded guilty late last month to a felony charge of resisting and obstructing police. The groom, who also was charged with disturbing the peace, could face imprisonment at his Sept. 15 sentencing for the felony charge. Pastuszwska pleaded guilty to a reduced charge after she was initially accused of resisting and obstructing. She was fined $600.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
You Might Be a New Englander if...
Forget Rednecks ... here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say
about New Englanders...
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through
May, you live in New England.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and
they don't work there, you live in New England.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live
in New England.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone
who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City
for the weekend, you live in New England.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than
once, you live in New England.
If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day
and back again, you live in New England.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a
raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but
leave both unlocked, you live in New England.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows
how to use them, you live in New England.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit, you live in New England.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going
80, and everybody is passing you, you live in New England.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow, you live in New England.
If you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still
winter, and road construction, you live in New England.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,
you live in New England.
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly," you live in New
England.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to
all your New England friends, you live in New England.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
hUMOR For Sept. 2nd
Ancient Telephone Networks
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years
and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had
a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed,
English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly
after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English
archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire
and have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish
newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep
as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
Ireland had already gone wireless."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Ugly lamps star of Kentucky State Fair
LOUISVILLE, Ky. (UPI) -- Lamps so ugly most people wouldn't dare dream to decorate their homes with them were the toast of the town at this year's Kentucky State Fair, organizers say. Patty Schnatter, who served as master of ceremonies for Lynn's Paradise Cafe's Ugly Lamp Contest at the fair Saturday, said contestants from various states produced lamps of unspeakable horrors in pursuit of first place, The (Louisville, Ky.) Courier-Journal reported. "We really have a good time with it. It's a blast," Schnatter said. "You never know what will come in." One lamp entered by Chris McQueen of Jeffersonville, Ind., featured a variety of holiday and celebratory themes and the participant said he was shocked his "hideous" entry fell short of a top spot. "I thought for sure we had it in the bag," McQueen said. "I mean, this thing is hideous." The Courier-Journal said the grand prize went to a lamp with an American eagle base and a shade made of old ties.
///
War re-enactment all wet with squirt-guns
BOSTON (UPI) -- A group of young Bostonians recreated a Civil War battle with squirt-guns as part of an ongoing attempt to bring wackiness to the city, witnesses say. Witness Tamara Wexler said when she saw people dressed in the blue and gray uniforms of Civil War-era soldiers on a Boston esplanade, she was instantly intrigued, The Boston Globe reported. "I was just waiting for them to clash," the 37-year-old said of Saturday's event. "We couldn't leave until we saw it." Armed with trusty squirt-guns instead of rifles, the two forces eventually clashed for nearly 10 minutes of watery "carnage." The event was part of a series of public pranks by Banditos Misteriosos, a group of twenty-somethings that has been staging elaborate, yet ridiculous, escapades in Boston since forming last December. The Globe said the group once staged a pillow fight involving more than 50 people in the middle of downtown Boston.
///
Rejected Scott works to be published
EDINBURGH, Scotland (UPI) -- A Scottish university press has resurrected Sir Walter Scott's last two works, written after he had three strokes and rejected for publication by his family. "The Siege of Malta" and the never completed "Bizarro" were written in 1831 and 1832 as Scott, racked by ill health, struggled to make money to pay his debts. His son-in-law and publisher decided after his death that they should not be made public, The Scotsman reports. John Buchan, the Scottish writer best known for "The Thirty-Nine Steps," read them while researching a Scott biography in the 1930s and agreed they should not be published. "It may be hoped that no literary resurrectionist will ever be guilty of the crime of giving them to the world," he said. The University of Edinburgh Press is publishing both books in a single volume. Editors have worked from Scott's manuscripts, now in the collection of the New York Public Library, struggling to correct spelling and grammar that had deteriorated because of the strokes. "The Siege of Malta" is a mixture of history and fiction about the defense of the island against Muslim invaders while "Bizarro" is the story of an Italian bandit.
///
Mini-cows at home in British backyards
LONDON (UPI) -- Hundreds of families across Britain have begun raising miniature cattle in their backyards in light of rising food prices, farmers say. Sue Farrant, whose family has purchased four Dexter miniature cattle for their home in the county of Kent, says the animals offer a way for households to save money on food in the long run, The Sunday Times of London said. "With high food prices, they are actually quite an attractive option if you like producing your own food," Farrant said. "Both my husband and I have full-time jobs so we're keeping them on the side as an interest." Farrant says the small cows are renowned for the quality of their meat and the bovines are essentially care-free as long as they have grass on which to graze, the Times reported. "As long as you've got plenty of grass, they will be fine," she told the newspaper. "You don't really have to feed them." The cattle species was initially bred in Ireland during the 1800s and has been credited with being able to supply an entire household with milk for a year.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Drive Fast
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Opposites Attract
Two bachelors were talking about their respective choice of life partner. One friend said,'It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion ? The friend replied,'Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with a money!'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Purple Elephant
What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it? None. It just lets out a little wine.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Handsome and Irresistible
A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?" Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't." At that point she yelled, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on a 20-foot
extension ladder with a coathanger." -Steven Wright
***
"Some things just aren't funny. Beatings aren't funny. Mimes
aren't funny. But beating a mime - why is that so hilarious?"
-- Dave Attell
***
"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million
monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually
come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to
the Internet, we now know this isn't true." --Ian Hart
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Real Signs and advertisements...
Signs In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetary:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but
their own graves."
On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is
impassable."
From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat
pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this
card, please tell a crew member."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices and workmanship."
On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide
whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceler-
ation, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration,
but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second
one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is chaep!
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years
and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had
a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed,
English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly
after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English
archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire
and have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish
newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep
as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
Ireland had already gone wireless."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Ugly lamps star of Kentucky State Fair
LOUISVILLE, Ky. (UPI) -- Lamps so ugly most people wouldn't dare dream to decorate their homes with them were the toast of the town at this year's Kentucky State Fair, organizers say. Patty Schnatter, who served as master of ceremonies for Lynn's Paradise Cafe's Ugly Lamp Contest at the fair Saturday, said contestants from various states produced lamps of unspeakable horrors in pursuit of first place, The (Louisville, Ky.) Courier-Journal reported. "We really have a good time with it. It's a blast," Schnatter said. "You never know what will come in." One lamp entered by Chris McQueen of Jeffersonville, Ind., featured a variety of holiday and celebratory themes and the participant said he was shocked his "hideous" entry fell short of a top spot. "I thought for sure we had it in the bag," McQueen said. "I mean, this thing is hideous." The Courier-Journal said the grand prize went to a lamp with an American eagle base and a shade made of old ties.
///
War re-enactment all wet with squirt-guns
BOSTON (UPI) -- A group of young Bostonians recreated a Civil War battle with squirt-guns as part of an ongoing attempt to bring wackiness to the city, witnesses say. Witness Tamara Wexler said when she saw people dressed in the blue and gray uniforms of Civil War-era soldiers on a Boston esplanade, she was instantly intrigued, The Boston Globe reported. "I was just waiting for them to clash," the 37-year-old said of Saturday's event. "We couldn't leave until we saw it." Armed with trusty squirt-guns instead of rifles, the two forces eventually clashed for nearly 10 minutes of watery "carnage." The event was part of a series of public pranks by Banditos Misteriosos, a group of twenty-somethings that has been staging elaborate, yet ridiculous, escapades in Boston since forming last December. The Globe said the group once staged a pillow fight involving more than 50 people in the middle of downtown Boston.
///
Rejected Scott works to be published
EDINBURGH, Scotland (UPI) -- A Scottish university press has resurrected Sir Walter Scott's last two works, written after he had three strokes and rejected for publication by his family. "The Siege of Malta" and the never completed "Bizarro" were written in 1831 and 1832 as Scott, racked by ill health, struggled to make money to pay his debts. His son-in-law and publisher decided after his death that they should not be made public, The Scotsman reports. John Buchan, the Scottish writer best known for "The Thirty-Nine Steps," read them while researching a Scott biography in the 1930s and agreed they should not be published. "It may be hoped that no literary resurrectionist will ever be guilty of the crime of giving them to the world," he said. The University of Edinburgh Press is publishing both books in a single volume. Editors have worked from Scott's manuscripts, now in the collection of the New York Public Library, struggling to correct spelling and grammar that had deteriorated because of the strokes. "The Siege of Malta" is a mixture of history and fiction about the defense of the island against Muslim invaders while "Bizarro" is the story of an Italian bandit.
///
Mini-cows at home in British backyards
LONDON (UPI) -- Hundreds of families across Britain have begun raising miniature cattle in their backyards in light of rising food prices, farmers say. Sue Farrant, whose family has purchased four Dexter miniature cattle for their home in the county of Kent, says the animals offer a way for households to save money on food in the long run, The Sunday Times of London said. "With high food prices, they are actually quite an attractive option if you like producing your own food," Farrant said. "Both my husband and I have full-time jobs so we're keeping them on the side as an interest." Farrant says the small cows are renowned for the quality of their meat and the bovines are essentially care-free as long as they have grass on which to graze, the Times reported. "As long as you've got plenty of grass, they will be fine," she told the newspaper. "You don't really have to feed them." The cattle species was initially bred in Ireland during the 1800s and has been credited with being able to supply an entire household with milk for a year.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Drive Fast
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Opposites Attract
Two bachelors were talking about their respective choice of life partner. One friend said,'It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion ? The friend replied,'Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with a money!'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Purple Elephant
What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it? None. It just lets out a little wine.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Handsome and Irresistible
A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?" Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't." At that point she yelled, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on a 20-foot
extension ladder with a coathanger." -Steven Wright
***
"Some things just aren't funny. Beatings aren't funny. Mimes
aren't funny. But beating a mime - why is that so hilarious?"
-- Dave Attell
***
"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million
monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually
come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to
the Internet, we now know this isn't true." --Ian Hart
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Real Signs and advertisements...
Signs In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetary:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but
their own graves."
On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is
impassable."
From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat
pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this
card, please tell a crew member."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices and workmanship."
On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide
whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceler-
ation, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration,
but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second
one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is chaep!
Monday, September 01, 2008
10-1-08
"Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three
groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and
value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will
replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth."
--Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
As an instructional assistant for a public school, part
of my job involves teaching small groups of children. One
day I was in charge of some second-graders, who were con-
centrating on their artwork. As I reached across to help
a student, he remarked that something smelled good.
I was pleased that he noticed my perfume, until he held
a wide felt-tip pen up to his nose and said, "Yep. New
markers."
[I can sympathize with this second-grader. I feel the same
way about felt-tip markers.]
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical
audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she
double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the
tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from
a tree."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Hearing Aid Danger
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased. The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bill Gates in Heaven
Bill Gates died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven. One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces." "Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?" "Yes, we even use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Good Defense
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Escape Artist
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. After recapturing the kangaroo, the zookeeper put up a ten-foot fence. Again the kangaroo was out the next morning, roaming around the zoo. So the fence was extended to twenty feet. But again the kangaroo was out the next morning. Frustrated zoo officials built a fence forty feet high. A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How much higher do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet I guess -- unless somebody starts locking the gate!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Malfunction sells gas at super bargain
SAN ANTONIO (UPI) -- A "pump malfunction" sold premium gasoline for 38 cents a gallon to lucky customers for several hours at a San Antonio convenience store, the manager says. Jim Duke, manager of the Dill Food Mart, said he checked it out Thursday after watching an unusually large crowd gassing up at one particular pump Wednesday afternoon. "I was inside and they were paying at the pump and nobody came in so nobody told me what was happening," Duke told WOAI-AM. He found to his chagrin that "a decimal point had slipped" and instead of selling premium gas for $3.89 a gallon, the pump was dispensing it for 38 cents a gallon. "We lost a lot of money," Duke said, although he wasn't sure how much. Business was way down at that pump Thursday afternoon.
///
Father and son hit holes in one
NEWTON, Mass. (UPI) -- A Massachusetts man said he scored a hole in one at a Newton, Mass., golf course one week after his father achieved a similar feat at the same course. Brian Hurley, 36, said he sank his 167-yard hole in one on the par-3 seventh hole of the Newton Commonwealth Golf Course Sunday, exactly one week after his father, Bill, 65, struck his own 145-yard hole in one on the 16th hole, also a par-3 hole, The Boston Globe reported. "I've been working here for three years, and we only get a handful of holes in one a year," said Gerry Zegarelli, 21, who works in the Newton Commonwealth Golf Course pro shop. "To see two people from the same family make a hole in one in the same week is pretty impressive."
///
Dummy coyotes fool humans, not geese
HAMMOND, Ind. (UPI) -- Indiana officials said they plan to remove decoy coyotes from islands on Wolf Lake after they failed to scare off geese but successfully fooled motorists. Officials said the dummy coyotes failed to stop geese from feeding on fresh plantings on the islands -- although they did spark multiple calls from motorists who believed the decoys to be stranded dogs, the Gary (Ind.) Post-Tribune reported. "We've been getting calls from neighbors and people driving by, 'There's a dog trapped on the island!'" Hammond Port Authority Director Milan Kruszynski said. Army Corps of Engineers contractor J.W. New placed the two-dimensional coyote cutouts on the islands last year, intending to scare off geese and ducks. A spokesman for the contractor said the items were initially effective. "The geese are very wary of them, then eventually they figure it out," J.W. New spokesman Jon Dittmar said. He said he can understand how some motorists may have been fooled by the dummy dogs. "They're very striking when you first come upon them. I could see how it would be for someone driving by at 70 mph," Dittmar said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Supermarket Composure
In the supermarket a man was pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don´t get excited, Albert; don´t scream, Albert; don´t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I´m Albert."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Charitable LawyerMr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and
value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will
replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth."
--Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
As an instructional assistant for a public school, part
of my job involves teaching small groups of children. One
day I was in charge of some second-graders, who were con-
centrating on their artwork. As I reached across to help
a student, he remarked that something smelled good.
I was pleased that he noticed my perfume, until he held
a wide felt-tip pen up to his nose and said, "Yep. New
markers."
[I can sympathize with this second-grader. I feel the same
way about felt-tip markers.]
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical
audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she
double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the
tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from
a tree."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Hearing Aid Danger
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased. The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bill Gates in Heaven
Bill Gates died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven. One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces." "Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?" "Yes, we even use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Good Defense
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Escape Artist
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. After recapturing the kangaroo, the zookeeper put up a ten-foot fence. Again the kangaroo was out the next morning, roaming around the zoo. So the fence was extended to twenty feet. But again the kangaroo was out the next morning. Frustrated zoo officials built a fence forty feet high. A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How much higher do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet I guess -- unless somebody starts locking the gate!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Malfunction sells gas at super bargain
SAN ANTONIO (UPI) -- A "pump malfunction" sold premium gasoline for 38 cents a gallon to lucky customers for several hours at a San Antonio convenience store, the manager says. Jim Duke, manager of the Dill Food Mart, said he checked it out Thursday after watching an unusually large crowd gassing up at one particular pump Wednesday afternoon. "I was inside and they were paying at the pump and nobody came in so nobody told me what was happening," Duke told WOAI-AM. He found to his chagrin that "a decimal point had slipped" and instead of selling premium gas for $3.89 a gallon, the pump was dispensing it for 38 cents a gallon. "We lost a lot of money," Duke said, although he wasn't sure how much. Business was way down at that pump Thursday afternoon.
///
Father and son hit holes in one
NEWTON, Mass. (UPI) -- A Massachusetts man said he scored a hole in one at a Newton, Mass., golf course one week after his father achieved a similar feat at the same course. Brian Hurley, 36, said he sank his 167-yard hole in one on the par-3 seventh hole of the Newton Commonwealth Golf Course Sunday, exactly one week after his father, Bill, 65, struck his own 145-yard hole in one on the 16th hole, also a par-3 hole, The Boston Globe reported. "I've been working here for three years, and we only get a handful of holes in one a year," said Gerry Zegarelli, 21, who works in the Newton Commonwealth Golf Course pro shop. "To see two people from the same family make a hole in one in the same week is pretty impressive."
///
Dummy coyotes fool humans, not geese
HAMMOND, Ind. (UPI) -- Indiana officials said they plan to remove decoy coyotes from islands on Wolf Lake after they failed to scare off geese but successfully fooled motorists. Officials said the dummy coyotes failed to stop geese from feeding on fresh plantings on the islands -- although they did spark multiple calls from motorists who believed the decoys to be stranded dogs, the Gary (Ind.) Post-Tribune reported. "We've been getting calls from neighbors and people driving by, 'There's a dog trapped on the island!'" Hammond Port Authority Director Milan Kruszynski said. Army Corps of Engineers contractor J.W. New placed the two-dimensional coyote cutouts on the islands last year, intending to scare off geese and ducks. A spokesman for the contractor said the items were initially effective. "The geese are very wary of them, then eventually they figure it out," J.W. New spokesman Jon Dittmar said. He said he can understand how some motorists may have been fooled by the dummy dogs. "They're very striking when you first come upon them. I could see how it would be for someone driving by at 70 mph," Dittmar said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Supermarket Composure
In the supermarket a man was pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don´t get excited, Albert; don´t scream, Albert; don´t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I´m Albert."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Charitable LawyerMr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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