hUMOR For Aug 23rd

A fellow and his wife living in Houston, Texas, where the

people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of

twins, two identical girls. These twins were born on the 4th

of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife,

"We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the pledge of

alligence".

His wife said, "Are you nuts? You can't have girls going

through life with names like Liberty and Justice. We are

going to name them regular girl's names like Mary or Jane".

Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compro-

mise was reached. They would each name one of the girls. The

man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth.

As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling

tricks on people who couldn't tell them apart.

Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest

in them. He would take one out on a date but he was never

sure which one he was with.

He decided he would marry at least one of them, but he wasn't

sure which one he would marry.

He went to the girls father and explained his quandry.

"I love your daughters and want to marry one of them, but I

can't tell them apart, so I will leave it up to you...

Give me Liberty or give me Beth."

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Weird News

Griffin theft has couple's claws out

ANNAPOLIS, Md. (UPI) -- A couple in Annapolis, Md., is furious that a group of teenagers allegedly stole a statue of a griffin from their front lawn.

Patricia Shema said she and her husband, Malcolm, were shocked to find several teens had managed to steal the nearly 4-foot-tall statue of the mythical beast, which is half-bird and half-lion, The (Annapolis, Md.) Capital said.

"I'm tired of 'kids being kids' -- of them having no idea of right or wrong and having no idea of personal property," she said. "I'm not looking for restitution, I'm looking for a permanent record."

Shema said the statue, which was taken Wednesday night, was specially made out of wood for the couple and would cost more than $2,000 to replace.

She said there was something of a silver lining for her -- the statue had been colonized by ants and she's hoping the critters have made themselves a nice home in the vehicle the thieves used to cart it away from her home.

///

Alligator evades capture

ATLANTA (UPI) -- A small alligator is believed to be still lurking in Georgia's Lake Lanier, state wildlife officials say.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that although officials don't consider the alligator a threat to lake visitors, they want to move the creature to more suitable habitat in south Georgia.

Scott Frazier, a Department of Natural Resources game manager and wildlife biologist, said the 3- to 4-foot alligator has yet to show up in baited traps set last week.

"As far as I know, he's still out there unless someone has gathered him up without our knowledge," Frazier was quoted as saying. "The traps are still out there."

The alligator was first sighted last month in the Flat Creek area of Lake Lanier.

///

Would-be robber leaves payoff

FORT WORTH, Texas (UPI) -- A would-be robber forgot to take his payoff from a coin-operated machine he crashed into in Fort Worth, Texas, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram says.

The unidentified suspect crashed a truck into the machine at a Fort Worth gas station, managing to knock the machine's collection box free, but then fled the scene without taking the booty, the newspaper said.

The Aug. 2 incident marked the second time this year such a botched theft occurred at the Fort Worth station, the Telegram said.

The station's car wash was targeted some weeks ago by a would-be robber who left behind a collection box full of coins after it was broken free.

///

Fla. mayor shares alleged mobster's name

ST. PETE BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Michael Finnerty, mayor of St. Pete Beach, Fla., says he'd rather not be mistaken for the Michael Finnerty recently indicted as a Gotti crime family figure.

Florida's Finnerty was alerted to the plight of his namesake when a reporter called asking if he was the man accused of violating racketeering laws as an associate of John Gotti Jr. He said "no," then joked, "Put those handcuffs on me, baby," the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported..

The mistake might have been made because both Finnertys are from the New York area, but the mayor is 60 while the indicted Finnerty is 43. And Mayor Finnerty pointed out he's not from New York City but from Fort Monmouth, N.J., the newspaper said.

"I guess the potato famine brought over all the Finnertys (from Ireland)," the mayor told the Times. "It takes all kinds of Michael Finnertys to make the world go 'round. I'm the craziest one around, though, because I'm the mayor."

The closest Mayor Finnerty said he's come sharing a mob connection was in an episode of the "The Sopranos" in which mob figure Tony Soprano has been shot and dreams his name is Michael Finnerty.

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Musical Burglar

There was a burglar who broke into an electronics warehouse and was filling his bags with various telephones when he heard police sirens getting nearer. He fled to a nearby music hall where a concert was going on and hid among the horn section.

The police wandered through but were unable to find him among the musicians..

He fit right in, having those Sacks O' Phones..

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And you think lawyers don't have hearts.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

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Good Samaritan

A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan
to her class of 4 & 5 year-olds. She was making it as vivid as
possible to keep the children interested in her tale.

At one point, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

hUMOR For Aug 22nd

"Ship Movie"

On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it available to larger crowds at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse image from 'the wrong side of the screen.'

One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following word over the officers' IMC circuit: "The movie to be shown in the wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen - The Right-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."

"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Left-Handed Gun, starring Namwen Luap."

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CleanQuote

"One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been."

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Illustration - "Trail Talk"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"

Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.

However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"

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Rest In Peace

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

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Amish Humor

Sign behind an Amish carriage:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

"CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

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To Be Six Again

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"

His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"

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Joy Ride

Some employees of an airplane manufacturing company decided to have some fun. They stole a life raft from the plane they were working on.

They successfully got it out and took it home without getting caught. Later they took it for a ride down the river. But soon they saw a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.

It turns out that the helicopter was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that had activated when they inflated the raft.

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Big Mouth

A man called 911 and said, "Someone come quick! My wife fell

asleep on the couch with her mouth open and a mouse ran down

her throat!"

The operator replied, "Calm down, sir. Wave a piece of

cheese over her mouth and maybe the mouse will come out. An

ambulance is on the way."

When the ambulance arrived, the EMT found the man waving a

fish over his wife's mouth.

"What on earth are you doing?" exclaimed the EMT. "Didn't

the 911 operator tell you to wave a piece of cheese over

your wife's mouth?"

"Yes," the man replied. "But I gotta get the cat out first."

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"The highlight of my baseball career came in Philadelphia's

Connie Mack Stadium when I saw a fan fall out of the upper

deck. When he got up and walked away the crowd booed."

--Bob Uecker

***

"Here's what caught my eye today: A Tennessee minister was

arrested for being drunk, high, and for wearing a skirt.

Why is that illegal? Where I am from in Scotland, if you

see a guy drunk, stoned out of his mind, and wearing a

skirt, you say, 'Good morning, Grandpa!'" -Craig Ferguson

***

"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is

one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conver-

sationalist is one who talks to you about yourself."

-Lisa Kirk

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I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old

boat, a trailer and a motor from me. "Thanks," he said as he

loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them

for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd

sold everything.

"How did you manage that?" I marveled.

"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.'

When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor.

He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage.

Bought that, too."

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hUMOR For Aug 21st

The Gas Men

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

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"We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's

what he descends to that shames the human race." --Mark Twain

***

"When a man says he approves of something in principle, it

means he hasn't the slightest intention of carrying it out

in practice." --Otto von Bismarck

***

"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own short-

comings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather

engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects

in other people's characters." --Margaret Halsey

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My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen

about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest

historical event that happened during your childhood?"

"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.

She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"

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Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for

everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems

you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"

Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the

city to go around and remove all the money from parking

meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the

round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and

says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over

having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be

when you get your paycheck!"

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his

face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket,

and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"

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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' -

She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE

INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST PROVIDER.'



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE
POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. Dan does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. Dan is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

4. Dan does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


5. DAN is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

7. Dan does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' -

He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8. It's not Dan's 'CRACK' you see

hanging out of Dan's pants - it's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

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You Know You're a Mom When ...

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your kid throws up and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a
plate without anything touching.

Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of
Grand Central Station and you do it.

You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast
into the shape of a gun.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.

You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

You hate the thought of his wife even more.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say,
"NOT in your good clothes!"

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then
spend half the night checking on the kids.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job",
but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

hUMOR For Aug 20th

That Would Explain It

IT worker at a small hospital gets a tech-support call from the lab
department. "Apparently they had been having trouble faxing reports
for a few days," says the tech. "They finally decided to call me to
see if I could fix the problem."

He heads down to the department, asks the usual troubleshooting
questions and scrolls through the log entries on the PC that reports
are faxed from. There's just one error message, about a file not
found. The tech reinstalls the fax service and tries faxing again. No luck.

Then he remembers that he's working with a fax modem, and that there
might be a clue in the sound coming over the wire. Not surprisingly,
the lab personnel have turned the volume off so they don't have to
listen to the modem's screech all day.

The tech turns it back on and tries faxing one more time. "After I
stopped laughing, I asked the lab manager to come in and listen."

Sure enough, what they hear is: "We're sorry, your phone number has
been disconnected."

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Weird News

Man's wasp plan destroys garage, car

FARDAL, Norway (UPI) -- A Fardal, Norway, man said his attempt to rid his garage of wasps ended with the structure burning to the ground with his car inside.

The elderly man said he poured lighter fluid on a rag and lit it in an attempt to smoke the wasps out of their nest, but the flames spread to the woodpile that held the nest and ignited a blaze that took down the entire garage, Aftenposten reported Thursday.

"Maybe using lighter fluid wasn't such a good idea, but it was an accident all the same and the wasps are gone," the man said.

He said he is waiting to hear from his insurance company to see if the loss of his garage and car will///

Conn. firefighters discover pot factory

MILFORD, Conn. (UPI) -- Authorities in Milford, Conn., said firefighters seeking the origins of smoke emanating from a home discovered an altered closet filled with marijuana plants.

Police said four residents of the home -- identified as Leslie Defrancesco, 29, Ethan Mayo, 33, James Leclair, 33 and Michael Mikiens, 32 -- were arrested after officers seized 40 grams of marijuana, a ventilation system, heat lamps, fans and paraphernalia used to smoke the plant from the house, The Hartford Courant reported

Acting Fire Capt. Christopher Zak said firefighters arrived on the scene after a heat lamp caused burlap netting covering the marijuana plants to ignite. He said the fire had burned out before firefighters arrived, but they discovered the closet during a search of the home.

All four suspects were charged with operating a drug factory, cultivation of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and conspiracy. Leclair and Mikiens were also charged with possession of marijuana and possession of marijuana within 1,500 feet of public housing.

The suspects were released and are scheduled to appear in court Aug. 26.

be covered.

///

Cake mix powder sparks evacuation

ANAHEIM, Calif. (UPI) -- Emergency officials said a powdery substance that caused an evacuation at an Anaheim, Calif., office building turned out to be cake mix.

Crews from the Anaheim and Santa Ana fire departments and members of the Orange County Sheriff's Bomb Squad evacuated about 400 people from the Tenet Health System building after an employee found the powder in an envelope, the Orange County (Calif.) Register reported.

Maria Barrios, a support services operator for Tenet, said four employees who were near the envelope when it was opened were quarantined while the crews investigated.

Anaheim police Sgt. Rick Martinez said the substance was found to be cake mix. He said the sender of the package was contacted and was apparently baking a cake before mailing the envelope.

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Mis-Step

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had

him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the

bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and fell down an entire flight

of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and

had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally,

for my child.

My fears were alleviated, though, when from behind me I

heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"

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The Barber

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

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Doorbell

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

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The Calf

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, "Great. He's four and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

hUMOR For Aug 19th

Recent Quips from Late Night

"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Bill Clinton was giving a speech, he told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Yeah, apparently Clinton likes to start every speech with a joke, sort of loosen things up a little bit, get people happy, relaxed." --Conan O'Brien

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"Well listen, Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him, because, and I quote, he 'doesn't look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.' So the choice is, do you want to elect a guy who doesn't look like the president on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect a guy who looks older than the president on the dollar bill?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain's daughter announced she's writing a children's book based on her father's life. I think that's very nice, yeah. The children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yeah that's the big talk, they say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being VP, he decided to go with another woman." --Jay Leno

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Windsor Castle

Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise.

One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"

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Three Doctors Hunting

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

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Simple Questions, Complicated Answers

Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a built?
Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is it possible to be totally partial?

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"Scotch Tape has been designated a national historic

chemical landmark. It's only the second time in history

something's been designated a chemical landmark. The

first was the state of New Jersey." -Jay Leno

***

"Police in Germany say they arrested a man in a wheel chair

for breaking into a building. They say the man would have

gotten away, but they shot out his tires." -Conan O'Brien

***

"The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they

are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it."

--Dave Letterman

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A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on

the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said,

"Excuse me ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you

tell me where he is?"

She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and

look for the pole with a worm on both ends."

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A man who owner a local grocery store was out delivering

orders in his station wagon when he hit and injured a little,

old lady. The lady sued and was awarded an amount large

enough to drive the man out of business.

After difficult times he managed to accumulate enough to try

again. But a few months after opening his doors he struck an

old gentleman with his delivery truck. The gentleman sued

and collected big damages, enough to ruin the merchant yet

again.

On a peaceful Sunday the grocer was sitting in his living

room when his little boy entered and called out, "Father,

Father, Mother's been run over by a great big bus."

The grocer's eyes filled with tears, and in a voice trembling

with emotion he cried, "Thank the Lord, my luck's changed at

last."

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"Paint Bonus"

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

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Oneliner

"If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either."

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"Nervous Taxpayer"

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Wonderful," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash!"

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”Yoga Nails”

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

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Classroom Management

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

hUMOR For Aug 18th

Incredibly Dumb

- AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

- Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

- An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

- A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

- A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

- Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

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Cat Rules

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. Anything which can be pried up isn't sufficiently nailed down.

- At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

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Math Problems

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

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Drugs or Booze

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

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"More bad news for air travelers. Earlier today, U.S. Air-

ways began charging passengers on its flights for water.

Even worse, the oxygen masks are now coin-operated."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL

CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm

not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz

***

"I fell in love once, and I thought she fell in love with me

too. Are you familiar with the situation? I sat with an en-

gagement ring, waiting for an answer. I was a single guy with

an engagement ring. It was like having a loaded gun laying

around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by ac-

cident." -Jake Johannsen

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Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding

an injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived

at the scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But

according to the local newspaper, the police report stated

that the dog was okay and "refused medical treatment."

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A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed,

great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly

of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks

into an upscale cocktail lounge.

To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking

lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,

orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So

tell me, do I come here often?"

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Earnest Prayer

A little boy had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Good!" said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said the little boy. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

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Exercise

"Don't swallow these pills," the doctor said, The doctor handed her
overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Instead, spill them on the
floor three times a day and pick them up one by one.

///

Couple wed on wings of biplanes

CIRENCESTER, England (UPI) -- A British couple said they exchanged their wedding vows 1,000 feet above ground while standing on the wings of biplanes.

Darren McWalters, 24, and Katie Hodgson, 23, stood on the wings of two identical planes flying side by side while Rev. George Bringham flew ahead of them on the wing of a third plane, The Times of London reported Wednesday.

Wedding guests listened to the exchange of vows via loudspeakers at Rendcomb Airfield, near Cirencester, England.

"We got engaged in the Brazilian rain forest and I wanted a wedding blessing that would top my proposal," McWalters told The Times. "It was unbelievable. Looking down and seeing my family and friends below was just incredible. I'm lost for words."

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Big Bite

During dinner the father said to his son, "Mike if I see you

take another bite like that you will leave the table."

After swallowing that mouth full the son said, "Pop, another

bite like that I will be finished!"