hUMOR For Aug 13th

"People magazine reportedly paid Angelina Jolie $14 million

for pictures of her twins. You can read about the deal in

Jolie's new self-help book, 'How to Have Babies for Fun and

Profit.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"Paris Hilton's mother is angry that John McCain put Paris

in his campaign video. Amazing. Of all the videos Paris has

been in, this is the one Mom's upset about?" -Jay Leno

***

"Hillary Clinton's campaign was $31 million in debt. Here's

how you can help: If you contribute $5 to Erase Hillary's

Debt, you can have dinner with her. For $10, you get to tie

the lobster bib on her pantsuit." -David Letterman

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.

IN A DIRTY MUG!"

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction,

let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive

solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little

boys room."

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee,

nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on

the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of

fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to

get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my

therapist!"

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a

keen eye for interior decoration."

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone,

women is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...

.Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Who's in Heaven?
Know anyone who is rotting away?

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp -
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, “What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.”

“And why's everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.”
“Hush, child,” He said, “they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.”

Judge Not

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Grin and Bear It
Sanctuary By The Woods Bear
When you know you're getting a little behind...

[Due to the increasing number of bears encroaching on human recreation and hunting grounds the following was published by a deacon of the Sanctuary-by-the-Woods...]

Since hunters nearby are requested to hold fire during Sunday Services, if pursued by a bear you have two options:
A) Escape into the Church; or
B) Climb the old oak tree just beyond the Sanctuary

(Please do not run through Services with a bear behind!)

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Last Round of Golf
Tale from an 'above par' golfer

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, “Are you a good golfer?”

To which the man replied, “Got here in two, didn't I?”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

English is a Difficult Language to Learn

There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger,
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England,
and French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that:

• Quicksand takes you down slowly;
• Boxing rings are square;
• The guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And what about the noun roots of verbs?

• If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
• If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
• If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat!?
• Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
• Or park on driveways and drive on parkways?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language:

• Where a house can burn up... as it burns down
• In which you fill in a form... by filling it out
• Where an alarm is only heard once it goes off!

English was created by people, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why when the stars are out they are visible...
But when the lights are out... they are invisible.

But I still can't figure out why it is that when I wind up my watch, it starts... But when I wind up this discussion...It ends.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door.
He became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this
way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges
and shouted:
'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!
HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

hUMOR For Aug 12th

Weird News

Boys claim bouncing record

FLAT ROCK, Mich. (UPI) -- A group of Detroit-area boys, after 24 straight hours of ups and downs, may have bounced their way into the Guinness Book of World Records.

The seven youths spent a full day taking turns bouncing in a large inflatable castle at the Bounce-a-Lot in Flat Rock, Mich., and think they're in line for a world record, The Detroit News reported.

The boys, who know each other from summer camp and youth sports teams, got together for the attempt after Mason Brott, 10, saw the bouncing mark in the Guinness Book and thought he and his friends could beat it, the newspaper said.

They might have to wait a few months for Guinness to authenticate the would-be record, however.

///

Welsh home a magnet for vehicle crashes

CARDIFF, Wales (UPI) -- A 45-year-old woman in North Wales says her home is a veritable magnet for large goods vehicles, enduring one crash every year for more than a decade.

Amanda Sandland said a section of her home's roof is routinely crashed into by passing trucks and other oversized vehicles, causing her family to fear for their safety, Wales on Sunday reports.

"We've been here 18 years and the first time it happened was just three weeks after we moved in," she said.

"Jemma was just a baby then, but it's happened so regularly since then that by the time she turned 8 she refused to leave the house without a bicycle helmet on for safety," she added.

Sandland told the newspaper such incidents have increased since a nearby road became a popular travel route on navigation systems.

"It's not the drivers' fault. A lot are foreign and don't speak English or know the area -- they just follow what their GPS systems are telling them," she said.

///

Rare baseball card to be hidden treasure

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Some lucky fan will find a baseball card worth $20,000 in a random box set of cards honoring New York Yankees slugger Babe Ruth, a card company official says.

Clay Lurashi, who serves as product development director for The Topps Co.'s Sterling line, said the one-of-a-kind card will be placed in one of the $300 sets as part of a random jackpot, the New York Post reported.

Lurashi said the offering was part of the company's new effort to release between 100 to 150 new cards based on the late home run king.

"Not everyone can afford to buy a Babe Ruth bat. We want to bring it closer for a Yankees fan," he said.

The Post said Topps, which gained exclusive rights to Ruth card sales last month, added swatches of one of Ruth's uniforms and a sliver of one of his bats to the special card, along with his autograph.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Larry LaPrise Died

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the

moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very

important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died

peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into

the coffin.

They put his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Three Little Pigs Went To Dinner

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggie. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

The third piggie says, "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Windows Messages

The following are new Windows messages that were under consideration for Windows Vista:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error: Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Extremely Sad

There was once a hillbilly who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.

Suddenly he thought - "I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly and make fun of me."

He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, "I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."

Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a hillbilly?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, "Are you a hillbilly or not?"

This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?"

The shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!"

hUMOR For Aug 11th

Cutting Class

A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind
telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I
really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like
because I'm y'know, like I don't like get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Wedding Dress

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear

mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the

first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as

Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on

her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my

arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in

time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit

into that dress!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Incredibly Dumb

- AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

- Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

- An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

- A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

- A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

- Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cat Rules

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. Anything which can be pried up isn't sufficiently nailed down.

- At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Math Problems

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Drugs or Booze

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"More bad news for air travelers. Earlier today, U.S. Air-

ways began charging passengers on its flights for water.

Even worse, the oxygen masks are now coin-operated."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL

CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm

not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz

***

"I fell in love once, and I thought she fell in love with me

too. Are you familiar with the situation? I sat with an en-

gagement ring, waiting for an answer. I was a single guy with

an engagement ring. It was like having a loaded gun laying

around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by ac-

cident." -Jake Johannsen

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding

an injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived

at the scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But

according to the local newspaper, the police report stated

that the dog was okay and "refused medical treatment."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed,

great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly

of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks

into an upscale cocktail lounge.

To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking

lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,

orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So

tell me, do I come here often?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Earnest Prayer

A little boy had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Good!" said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said the little boy. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Exercise

"Don't swallow these pills," the doctor said, The doctor handed her
overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Instead, spill them on the
floor three times a day and pick them up one by one.

hUMOR For Aug 10th

"A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop

on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual

store. Well of course! There's no naked women at the stores."

--Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends'

and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to

compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted

on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number

of computer stores to find a software program that would do

the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found

one where the clerk seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays

and anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business

and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly

Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk:

"Quick...get me a translator."

Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his

name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"

The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein

namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect

English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir

Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come

from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at

Oxford University."

The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr

is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt,

und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun

Oxford."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Boy bites dog

RIO DE JANEIRO (UPI) -- A young Brazilian boy being attacked by a pit bull bit the dog in self-defense, causing the canine to flee, the boy's grandmother said.

Eleven-year-old Gabriel da Silva was playing in his family's garden when the animal, a family pet, attacked him. However, da Silva fought back by biting the dog, O Globo reported.

The boy reportedly only suffered minor injuries, said police.

///

Woman has Mona Lisa mowed into her lawn

LONDON (UPI) -- A British art-lover said she hired a 3D art expert to create an all-grass reproduction of the Mona Lisa on her home's lawn.

Tania Ledger, 48, of London, called on expert Chris Naylor, who recreated the Mona Lisa for the film "The Da Vinci Code," to complete a similar work of lawn art, The Telegraph reported.

Naylor said he spent two days chopping and snipping away at Ledger's lawn with garden tools and a lawn mower to create the grass image of the Mona Lisa.

Ledger said she doesn't mind that the masterpiece will grow out over time.

"It's like a haircut -- if you don't like it you can grow it out and you can try out as many new looks as you like," she told the newspaper.

///

Woman has Mona Lisa mowed into her lawn

LONDON (UPI) -- A British art-lover said she hired a 3D art expert to create an all-grass reproduction of the Mona Lisa on her home's lawn.

Tania Ledger, 48, of London, called on expert Chris Naylor, who recreated the Mona Lisa for the film "The Da Vinci Code," to complete a similar work of lawn art, The Telegraph reported.

Naylor said he spent two days chopping and snipping away at Ledger's lawn with garden tools and a lawn mower to create the grass image of the Mona Lisa.

Ledger said she doesn't mind that the masterpiece will grow out over time.

"It's like a haircut -- if you don't like it you can grow it out and you can try out as many new looks as you like," she told the newspaper.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bug Spray

One day, finding a wasp had entered the house, a wife shouted to her
husband, "There's a wasp in here. Do we have any spray?"

He told her there was a can under the sink.

"Honey," she called. "This is ant and roach spray."

"Well," her husband replied, "don't show him the label."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Matt Damon announced that his wife is going to have a baby.

I thought Ben Affleck was looking a little bigger."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"Barack Obama is upset because the other day in Israel, some-

one revealed the contents of a private prayer Obama inserted

into Jerusalem's Western Wall. Experts say it's even worse

than the time The Washington Post printed President Bush's

letter to Santa." -Conan O'Brien

***

"A guy goes to Wendy's, orders the chili, and finds a dead

mouse. Wendy's said, 'Don't worry about it — it's a Disney

promotion.'" -David Letterman

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of

Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated

on my driver's license.

"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.

"No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.

"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor

says.

"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Drought Affects Churches

Severe drought affects churches in northern Alabama,

Tennessee, and northwest Georgia.

Did you know that because of the drought in these areas,

church budgets are greatly affected?

Baptist churches are having to sprinkle for baptisms, the

Methodists are using wet wipes for their baptisms, and the

Catholics are praying that God will turn the wine back into

water.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Airline Fixes

I have a friend who is a very nervous flyer. During a recent trip he took from California to Indiana, it didn't help that his connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems.

Then, after he was aloft, he noticed the cabin lights were flickering. Losing his peace of mind, he decided to mention this to a flight attendant.

"I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching my friend leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

What Really Matters

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.

"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Driving Instruction

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.

I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

hUMOR For Aug 9th

Wife Wanted

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

Next day he received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cow Joke

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.

Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.

The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

It went in one ear and out the udder.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Thrill of the Chase

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bird Hunting

Two drunk men were out bird-hunting. Suddenly, one of them said, "Hey! I see two birds!"

"Well, shoot then,"said the other man.

"But which one do I shoot?"

"Hmm...take another drink,"the other man said, handing him the bottle.

"Hey! Now I see three!"exclaimed the man.

"Good. Shoot the one in the middle."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bovine Chat

Buttercup and Daisy were chatting as they chewed the cud.

- "Ere, have you heard about this mad-cow disease?"

- "Yes, sounds nasty."

- "I'm glad I'm a chicken."

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Weird News

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York City lawmaker has completed a survey that shows a lack of upkeep at subway station restrooms in the city.

Assemblyman Dov Hikind of Brooklyn released a survey of 18 restrooms in three boroughs and found that 10 were closed and four had no toilet paper, the New York Post said Wednesday.

"Surveyors found nearly no restrooms accessible in the (subway) system," the report stated.

To add insult to injury, the survey team also walked in on two people engaging in sex in one of the men's rooms they were checking.

The Post said that the only two restrooms that were both open and fully stocked were for use by transit employees only and not available to straphangers in need.

The New York City Transit agency told the Post it had not seen Hikind's survey.

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Rules of Driving

- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

- Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

- It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

- Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

- Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

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Top ten signs your co-worker is a hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez," 95 times during the movie, "The Net."

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, fool."

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Truth In Politics

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.

Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

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For Cat Lovers

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic!

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"The other week I went to see my doctor ... I was in the

waiting room, and I decided to pass the time finishing a

novel. But the other patients complained about the noise of

the typewriter." --Arthur Brown

***

"One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a

wooden stake." --Jack Handey

***

"I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in

the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was

'Woman'." --Steven Wright

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I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually

barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video

we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.

"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I

just have him watch this?"

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I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where

my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in

at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard

security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that

you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to

take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

hUMOR For Aug. 8th

"Don't worry, I can stay out late tonight," Joe told his

friend Bob. "My wife's gone for a two-week vacation in the

Caribbean."

"Jamaica?" Bob asked.

"No, it was her idea."

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Math Symbols

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I

drew a greater-than ( > ) and a less-than sign ( < ) on the

chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these

mean?"

A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his

hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other

means rewind!"

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Buckets of Bits

100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus

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Missing Boots

With tears in his eyes, a little boy told his teacher that he could not find his snow boots. The teacher took him by the hand and walked into the coat room.

"There's your boots!" she exclaimed, pointing at the only pair of boots that were there.

"But those are not MY boots!" the little boy wailed.

"Are you sure?" the teacher asked.

"I'm sure!" he sobbed. "Mine had SNOW on them!"

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THE OLD PHONE

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was 'Information Please' and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, b ut there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. 'Information, please' I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

'Information.'

'I hurt my finger...' I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.

'Isn't your mother home?' came the question.

'Nobody's home but me,' I blubbered.

'Are you bleeding?' the voice asked.

'No,' I replied. 'I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.'

'Can you open the icebox?' she asked.

I said I could.

'Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,' said the voice.

After that, I called 'Information Please' for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day befo re, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, 'Information Please' and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, 'Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?'

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, ' Wayne , always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.'

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone and called, 'Information Please.'
<>'Information,' said in the now familiar voice.

'How do I spell fix?' I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest . When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston . I missed my friend very much. 'Information Please' belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle . I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, 'Information Please.'

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. 'Information.'

I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, 'Could you please tell me how to spell fix?'

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, 'I guess your finger must have healed by now.'

I laughed, 'So it's really you,' I said. 'I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during th at time?'

I wonder,' she said, 'if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.'

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

'Please do', she said. 'Just ask for Sally.'

Three months later I was back in Seattle . A different voice answered, 'Information.' I asked for Sally.

'Are you a friend?' she said.

'Yes, a very old friend,' I answered.

'I'm sorry to have to tell you this,' she said. 'Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.'

Before I could hang up she said, 'Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne ?'

'Yes.' I answered.

'Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called.

Let me read it to you.' The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Neve r underestimate the impression you may make on others.

Whose life have you touched today?

Why not pass this on? I just did....

Lifting you on eagle's wings. May you find the joy and peace you long for.

Life is a journey ... NOT a guided tour.

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Strange Problem

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

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Ultimate Question

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "IS THERE A GOD?"

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer. "There is now", read the printout.

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Loud, Mad, or Sad

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"