hUMOR For Aug 3rd

Thong Cure

An Indian consulted his medicine man about a pain in his stomach that had persisted for three months.

"For something as long as that," said the Medicine Man, "I have a more drastic remedy than the herbs I normally prescribe. Chew on this leather thong every day. It is 31 inches long: chew one inch every day, and at the next moon come back."

The Indian dutifully did as directed, and at the next moon he returned to the Medicine Man.

"How do you feel?" the Medicine Man asked.

"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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Cloudy Clothing

What do clouds wear under their clothes?

Thunderware.

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Kid Bites Back

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

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Harvard Grads

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.

After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."

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Liars

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment

for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars,

and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the

Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting,

the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared

for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark,

please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher. "These

students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no

Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

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"Today is National Tequila Day! That means tomorrow is

National Wake Up in a Dumpster Day." -Craig Ferguson

***

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at

the people he gave it to." --Dorothy Parker

***

"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the

worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look

any better." --Margot Black

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My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter

to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn,

and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited

one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.

"I will," I said. "it'll make her feel better. She has

pneumonia..."

"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison.

One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope

you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."

"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger.

"Hangnail."

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The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after in-

specting his license and registration, informed the motorist

that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.

"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.

"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."

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Postal service says sorry for mail mix-up

FAREHAM, England (UPI) -- Britain's Royal Mail service has apologized to an elderly man who says he's furious his mail has been going to someone else's home for nearly two decades.

Raymond Southwell, 76, said he's been calling the mail service for 19 years, trying to ensure his mail is delivered to his home in Fareham, England, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

Southwell said postal workers frequently tell him the problem is fixed, but his mail continues to end up at another man's home nearby.

"It's absolutely ridiculous. Why it has happened for so long, I don't know. It's not even that the post isn't correctly addressed because it always is," Southwell told reporters.

Royal Mail employees said they are doing everything they can to correct the mistake.

"We apologize to Mr Southwell for any inconvenience caused and can assure we've taken steps to prevent this happening again in the future," Royal Mail spokeswoman Jane Thomas said.

Copyright 2008 by United Press International

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Perhaps

Waiting for a flight, a woman was seated in the waiting area with two boys. The younger one asked, "Mommy, when we get home, will you take us to the zoo?"

"Perhaps," she answered.

"What does 'perhaps', mean?" he asked.

The older brother answered, "Not likely to happen."

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What My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.'
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You're going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'

hUMOR For Aug. 2nd

Contractor Estimates

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."

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Potential Company Mergers

• If Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers merge, the new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
• Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: Poly Warner Cracker
• W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: Hale Mary Fuller Grace
• 3M and Goodyear: mmm... Good
• John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
• Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey I'm Home
• Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine
• 3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera
• Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants
• Knott's Berry Farm and National Organization of Women: Knott NOW!
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da

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Skim Milk

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to
lower-fat foods; including skim milk. When she said her family would
only drink whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular
container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a
while, until her daughter asked, one morning, whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found
out. "Why do you ask?"

"Because according to the bottle," the daughter explained, "this milk
expired two years ago."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Divorce!

An old lady goes into a lawyer's office. "I need your help in
arranging a divorce."

"A divorce? "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four."

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my, and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because ... enough is enough."

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Doctor, Doctor

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

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Drunk Driving Stories

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.

The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

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Here Come Da Judge

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers.

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Who's a Fault?

What do you call an earthquake fault?

A topographical error.

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Tech Support

Customer: "One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?"

Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help."

Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?"

Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device."

Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?"

Tech Support: "Yes."

Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Computer Instructor

Well, I had one event happen to me, where one lady had just bought a Apple IIc and complained that she was having problems with her monitor, so we told her to bring her monitor in, and we'd check it out.

So she brings her monitor in, and we plug it in, and it works without a flaw. We tell her that the monitor isn't the problem, and to bring her CPU in.

She stares at us blankly, and asks, "What's the CPU?"

Joe explains that it's the piece of equipment that all your devices plug into. So about twenty minutes later, she returns and walks in carrying the surge supressor.

When we explained to her the item that we needed her to bring in, she replied, "Oh you mean the keyboard!" (On Apple IIc's, the CPU box and keyboard are part of the same unit.)

And to make this all the more interesting, she was a gradeschool computer class instructor.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Don't Look at the Light!

Customer: "My mouse doesn't work any more."

Tech Support: "Is it an optical or ball mouse?"

Customer: "Huh?"

Tech Support: "Does it have a ball or light?"

Customer: "It has an light on top."

Tech Support: "On top?"

Customer: "Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it's on top."

Tech Support: "Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk."

Customer: "Oh! It works!"

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Horrible Addiction

I think it's a chilling reminder of my mortality, that I am never more than a few hours from that grisly implosion of a death known as starvation. No matter how much I eat, before long the cravings resurface, and the withdrawal symptoms ravage my innards.

"I am Snook Draddots," I would say, were my name actually Snook Draddots, "and I am a food addict."

It's a sad story, but it's true. I was a food baby, in fact. My mother was using when she was pregnant with me. I've been on food ever since. It's wrecked my life.

For my first fifteen years, I experienced rapid weight gain, and the digestive symptoms that persist to this day are too unpleasant to discuss. I've been unable to quit. The patch -- where you duct tape some potato salad to your arm every morning -- doesn't help at all.

One time I had a 16 hour flight across the Pacific, during which time I ate nothing that could be remotely described as food, but I fell off the wagon shortly after landing.

But enough is enough. I've come to an epiphany about just how much I've let food run my life for me, and it's time for that to stop. No more food for me.

I'm quitting food cold turkey.

hUMOR For Aug 1st

Bear Advisory

The California State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Tahoe, Mammoth, Arrowbear, and Whisky Flat areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

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Free Space

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

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The Small Town Witness

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

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The Fire Dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.

The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

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Two Wishes

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"

The ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

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Astronomy Quiz

My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy.

One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're

having a quiz on the moon."

That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you

gonna let her go, Mom?"

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The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and

came into our insurance office to file a disability claim.

As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under

"Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."

***

"Mattel is releasing a new "Teacher" Barbie next week.

Apparently, it's just like Malibu Barbie--only she can't

afford the Corvette." -Stephanie Miller

***

"The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty

training. Which I think is important, because when we want

to potty-train the baby we should set a good example."

--Howie Mandel

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My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard

Cutter. When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship,

he was impressed by the neatness of all decks.

However, when Bob went to Michelle's house with her, he

couldn't believe the disorganization. "Why is everything

in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is

such a mess?"

"My house," Michelle said, "does not take 30-degree rolls."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birth-

day.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in

the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in under 10

seconds."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the

driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom

scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for

Saturday.

hUMOR For July 31st

Weird News

Man, 89, completes first skydive

OMAHA (UPI) -- An 89-year-old Omaha man who went skydiving for the first time last week said he had wanted to jump ever since his son and grandson told him how great it was.

Howard Hanson jumped with his son, Dale, and grandson, Michael, at an altitude of 13,000 feet -- after a day of training at Plattsmouth Municipal Airport, in Plattsmouth, Neb., KETV, Omaha, reported.

He said got the bug after Dale Hanson made his fist jump last year.

"When you're sailing, just floating before the parachute opens, that's the wonderful part of it," Howard Hanson said.

Dale Hanson shot the grand event with a helmet camera.

///

Fake landlord rented out home

SILVER SPRINGS SHORES, Fla. (UPI) -- A Florida man says he discovered he was making payments for several months to a man who rented him a home the purported landlord did not own.

Carl Kopsho of Silver Springs Shores said he began paying $800 per month to the man who rented him the home in February, only to be told by Marion County Sheriff's deputies Wednesday the man did not own the house, the Ocala (Fla.) Star-Banner reported.

Kopsho said he met the man, who used the name Tyrone Grain, at a gas station in January while talking to a friend about his search for a new home. He said Grain told him he was in the process of a divorce and was seeking to rent out the house.

However, the house actually belongs to Sebastian Wagner, a man who lives in New York.

Authorities have yet to track down Grain, who Kopsho said had only accepted his rent payments in cash.

Kopsho said he is hoping Wagner will allow him to continue to rent the home, as he has already painted the walls and made plans to install new cabinets.

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Taking Down the Flag

My husband was serving his last few years of military

service on active duty with an Army reserve unit. There were

three branches of military reserve units at our last duty

station. During one month, my husband and his buddy were

assigned to take down the flag at the end of the day, which

is a very formal affair to watch.

One day my husband and his buddy marched solemnly out to the

flag pole and saluted the flag. Then his buddy begin to haul

the flag down. After a minute of this and not seeing a flag

come down, they both looked up.

The flag had already been taken down.

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The Voice

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Plausible Explanation

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."

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Ten Years Without Parole

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the heck have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Lessons in Life

DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.

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"I had a good weekend. Guillermo and Uncle Frank came over

and I smoked a roast in my smoker. I smoked it for 12 hours.

Fifteen pounds of roast, 15 guys there, one three pound dog,

and not one scrap left. We ate the dog, too, when we were

finished." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"This is a great opportunity to let the audience into my

private world. You guys don't know who the real guy is. So

I'm going to give you some fun facts right now. I'm 6 foot

4. I weigh 178 pounds. For an hour after I was born, doctors

thought that I was a baby girl. The light was very good; I

still don't understand." -Conan O'Brien

***

"This year, the Immigration and Naturalization Service has

raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. It now costs about

$700. You know how much the Immigration and Naturalization

Service expects to make this year from people becoming U.S.

citizens? Over $1,400." -Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska

for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He

kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log

cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog

team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civil-

ization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My son is the manager of a glass and window company and ad-

vertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good

glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who

called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.

"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.

The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."

hUMOR For July 30th

'I Hope You Dance... '

This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.

*The last line says it all. *

Dear Bertha,

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was.

I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.

Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.

If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last.

Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them.

"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Golf Nut

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill said, "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."

"I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

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"In Texas, pranksters threw a snake into the drive through

window at a Taco Bell. Fortunately, the snake was immediately

killed by all the rats in the kitchen." -Conan O'Brien

***

"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China

and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your

homework. People in India and China are starving for your

job.'" -Thomas Friedman

***

"Historians just found a document that showed a list of

liquor George Washington wanted for his New York head-

quarters, including a keg of brandy, a box of claret, a

box of fortified wine, a basket of cordials and two kinds

of cheese. So not only was George Washington the father of

our country, he also invented the mini-bar." -Jimmy Kimmel

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call

the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice

deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.

So she waited until her parents had left for work and called

the school herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it

to school today because she is ill."

Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that.

I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

"This is my mother."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend.

"I'm really depressed all the time and I think negative

thoughts. I'm always bored, I feel listless and I am always

tired."

"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.

"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm

not allowed on the couch.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Warranty Claim

An angry client went back to the automobile garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Warranty

An angry client went back to the automobile garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bath Note

Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply
taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve
soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing
myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than
I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects,
but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people
don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in
the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of
wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I
promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side.
I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter
what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be
plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and
contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important
things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a
new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom
door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a
message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need
to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your
brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with
telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between
the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano
with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your
lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the
bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it
more this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful.
I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to
Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the
bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to
think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do
not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does
it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors
locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to
get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the
place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken
glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there
is an emergency.

Emergencies ARE:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are NOT:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper
for a towel does not make me happy. In the future, when the tub
overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in
the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay?
No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while
I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time.
Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the
coffee table.

I'll be out soon. Maybe.

Love,
Your Mom

hUMOR For July 29th

The Congregation Replied

Down in the South, there are many churches known as "answer back"
churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation
naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the
church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better,
it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it
walk, Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is
going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances
and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, Preacher, let it run!"

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church
really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and
fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!"
the congregation shouts.

The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"

The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Larry King announced that he's going to write an autobio-

graphy titled 'What Am I Doing Here?' Larry says that if

the book sells, he's got plans for several sequels including,

'What Day is This? and Where Are My Pants?'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"I want to get this off my chest: For the past 20 years,

I have been using performance-enhancing vodka."

-David Letterman

***

"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He

said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for

you.'" -Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten

it for free when she bought a used console TV for the living

room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV

much because it would shut off after a while. After checking

out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep

timer set for 90 minutes!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker

that said "Honk if you love Jesus." I honked.

The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and

yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you moron?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Seat Belt

I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.

She asked, "Do I click the square?"

I said, "Yes."

She asked me, "Single click or double click?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Experts doubt record-breaking turtle claim

OKLAHOMA CITY (UPI) -- A man who captured a 103-pound turtle argues the animal is of record-breaking size, but experts say they doubt his claim is warranted.

Jim McKnight was fishing for bass in southeast Oklahoma when he hooked the large turtle, The Oklahoman reported.

McKnight has gotten in touch with members of the media on several occasions and provided photos of the turtle to prove it is a record-breaker, the newspaper said.

McKnight told reporters a local game warden said it is a typical snapping turtle, but it weighs 35 pounds more than any other snapping turtle of its kind on record.

Wildlife diversity biologist Mark Howery has seen pictures of the animal and insists it is not a regular snapping turtle, but an alligator snapping turtle instead, which can often weigh much more than 103 pounds.

"This has to be an alligator snapping turtle just looking at it. It's not a record alligator snapping turtle, but it's still unusual ... we don't get very many reports of alligator snapping turtles," Howery said.

///

Model T cars roll into Indiana town

RICHMOND, Ind. (UPI) -- Car enthusiasts are celebrating the centennial of the Model T, which was built by Ford from 1908 to 1927 and is among the top-selling vehicles of all time.

The Model T Ford Club is gathering in Richmond, Ind., for a weeklong celebration, the Detroit Free Press reported.

The newspaper said Model T Runabouts, Roadsters, Speedsters, Touring cars and the like are coming to town from 44 states -- and from countries including Australia, Canada, England, France, Germany, Norway, New Zealand, Portugal and Brazil.

Model T owners Chuck and Ginger Mitchell of St. Clair Shores, Mich., said they have been making plans for years to attend the event.

"If you want to have fun in an old car, the Model T is it," said Chuck Mitchell, 65, who is a volunteer Model T mechanic. He was planning to haul his 1925 Model T Roadster to Richmond Saturday.

The celebration in Richmond is being billed as "The World's Largest Gathering of Model T's."

///

Woman pays $1,000 to rescue lobster

SHEDIAC, New Brunswick (UPI) -- A Canadian woman says she plans to release a giant lobster after she paid $1,000 to rescue the crustacean from a fish market.

Laura-Leah Shaw purchased the 22-pound lobster, named Big Dee-Dee, from the Big Fish seafood market in Shediac, New Brunswick, the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. reported.

The report said two unnamed Ontario groups contributed $1,000 each to rescue the animal, which is thought to be 100 years old.

Big Fish was auctioning Big Dee Dee for an opening price of $1,000, the report said.

Denis Breau, owner of the fish market, said at least 1,000 people visited Big Fish to catch a glimpse of Big Dee Dee, who was caught in the beginning of July.

Shaw said she would travel to the Maritimes region of eastern Canada Monday to let Big Dee Dee go into the wild, but officials said the lobster would need to undergo a health inspection before it is released, to check for diseases.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Mad Cow

Two cows are conversing in a field. The first one says to

the other, "Have you heard about this 'mad cow disease' that

is going around?"

The second cow responds, "Yeah, but I'm not worried about

it; I'm an airplane!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Value Added Chicken

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

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Driving Offense

The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled along the vehicle, wound down his window and shouted "Pull over!"

"No" she replied, "they're socks!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

You Know You've Booked a Cheap Flight When?

As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.

The Captain announces over the intercom the Flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.

The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.

The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tyre wear

A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.

A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.

Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.

A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.

A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.