hUMOR For July 27th

"Fasten Your Seat Belts"

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"

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CleanQuote

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end."
- Gilda Radner

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Illustration - "The World's Most-Used Lies:"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The World's Most-Used Lies:

+ It's a good thing you came in today. It's the last one we have.

+ You made it yourself? I would have never guessed.

+ Go ahead and tell me, I won't tell another soul.

+ It's delicious but I can't eat another bit.

+ The doctor will call you right back.

+ You don't look a day over 50.

+ Your baby is just beautiful.

+ Put the map away. I know where we're at.

+ Having a great time. Wish you were here!

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Loopholes

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

He shouted "I'm looking for loopholes!"

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Her First Deer

As part of their "ranch" holiday, a guy takes his wife hunting. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure you don't let anybody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."

The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.

He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's shouting, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have the deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

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Car Thief

A little old lady comes out of the mall and coming towards her car she sees four guys just jumping into it.

She screamed "NOOOO" and pulled a small pistol out of her purse and said: " Dont make me use this!"

The four young guys JUMPED out and ran off.

The little ladie then proceded into the car and after driving a few minutes realised " hey this ISNT my car" so she turned around and went back to the mall to put it back.

She then got in her REAL car and went down to the police station to report that 4 guys were trying to steal someone elses car. At the police station she sees the SAME four guys and hears one of them shouting:

"A LITTLE OLD LADY JUST PULLED A GUN AND STOLE OUR CAR !"

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Confession

Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

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You are a Lousy Cook if...

Your family automatically heads for the table every time

they hear a fire alarm.

Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old"

tastes like.

Your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the

family grabs forks and follows him.

Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your

toy poodle.

Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting

him over for dinner.

Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright

purple.

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Football Try-Outs

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

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Psychology

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

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Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

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A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking

hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small

piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.

"Speak!" she said to the dog.

The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know

what to say!"

hUMOR For July 26th

A Man's Disease

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English
what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

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Children At Play

As newlyweds, my wife and I hosted a family get-together at

our apartment, which had a large grassy field and superb

children's playground next door. My wife organized games

outdoors for our eight nieces and nephews, and the laughter

and activity drew other children, until about thirty kids

were playing and clamoring for my wife's attention. After

three hours, she called it quits.

The next morning while we were getting ready for work, two

boys knocked on our patio door and asked if our children

could come out and play. I told them we had no children; our

nieces and nephews had just been visiting. Looking

momentarily dejected, they brightened considerably as they

asked, "Well, then, can your wife come out and play?"

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"A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers

of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a shame because if

they had waited until happy hour they could have paid half

that." -Conan O'Brien

***

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes,

which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became

president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form

of flattery." --Jay Leno

***

"Did you barbeque today? Over 100 million Americans barbequed

today ­ because the polar ice caps just aren't melting fast

enough!" --Dave Letterman

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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once

all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.

"Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the

scene - what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room,

and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light

up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said

in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match

in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the

last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

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Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market

when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim

advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of,

etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George

should invest only small sums.

But George threw caution to the winds and six months later

sent an email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers!

Now send me some "retrievers!"

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Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market

when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim

advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of,

etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George

should invest only small sums.

But George threw caution to the winds and six months later

sent an email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers!

Now send me some "retrievers!"

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Car Thieves

A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."

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Holiday Spirit

Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Cow Dealer

A farmer had been ripped-off several times by the local car dealer.

One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

Basic cow	$499.95
Shipping and handling	$35.75
Extra stomach	$79.25
Two tone exterior	$142.10
Produce storage compartment	$126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper	$189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system	$149.20
Automatic fly swatter	$88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery	$179.90
Deluxe dual horns	$59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment	$339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly	$884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb	$69.80
FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:	$2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments:	$300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options):	$3143.36

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Men!

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving
down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of
the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If men would only listen.

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Shaking Hands

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

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Government Employee

State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for a beautiful castle right now!"

Shazaaam! He has a beautiful castle.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women."

Shazaam! He is on an island surrounded by gorgeous women.

He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

Shazaam! He's back in his government office.

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Arriving Early

The boss came in early one morning and found his manager kissing his beautiful secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, I'm doing this free of charge."

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Trucker's Revenge

A trucker was sitting at the lunch counter eating his morning eggs and hash browns when some bikers walked in.

One walked up and put his finger in the trucker's coffee and said, "That's not very hot, is it?"

Another put his finger in the trucker's scrambled eggs and said, "Not very fluffy, either, huh?"

After a few moments of silence, the trucker stood up, paid his bill and left the diner. "Not much of a man, was he?" said the first biker to the waitress.

"You're right about that," she replied, "and not much of a driver either. He just ran over a bunch of motorcycles.

hUMOR For July 25th

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries With That.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'

7. Finish All Your sentences with, "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream, "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot Yelling, "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity is to - Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Live well, Laugh often, Love much....

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History of South Africa

Nobel Peace Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South

Africa explains the history of white settlement of his

country like this:

When the white man came, we had the land and he had the

Bible.

He said, "Let us pray," so we all bowed our heads, closed

our eyes, and prayed.

And when we opened our eyes, lo and behold, we had the Bible

and he had the land.

But you know, we got the best deal!

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"This week Starbucks is unveiling a new drink called a

Vivanno. Apparently Vivanno is the Italian word for 'You

just wasted $8.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"I'm growing a mustache for Vegas Week. Lots of great Vegas

entertainers had mustaches...Robert Goulet...Sammy Davis, Jr

...Cher." -Craig Ferguson

***

"Six Olive Garden waitresses have posed naked for the Play-

boy magazine. I'm thinking, come on, really? When I'm in

Olive Garden, I have trouble getting extra bread sticks."

-David Letterman

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While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue

over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me.

Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the

shoulder.

"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private

conversation."

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Harry was never shy about reminding people that he played

semi-pro baseball.

"My teammates used to call me James Bond," he was telling

his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the

opposition."

"That and he batted .007," his wife added.

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M&M Genetics

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end,
I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That
is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner
gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher,
and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have
hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the
intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and
snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably
this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the
candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to
its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one
as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars
A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a
free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I
have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of
hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

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Letter from the Inside

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

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Emergency Number

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"

The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

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Philosophy Final

A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"

The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.

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Romantic at Heart

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I’m a divorce lawyer."

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Bear Advisory

The California State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Tahoe, Mammoth, Arrowbear, and Whisky Flat areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

hUMOR For July 24th

'I Hope You Dance... '

This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.

*The last line says it all. *

Dear Bertha,

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was.

I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.

Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.

If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last.

Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them.

"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance

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Golf Nut

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill said, "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."

"I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

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"In Texas, pranksters threw a snake into the drive through

window at a Taco Bell. Fortunately, the snake was immediately

killed by all the rats in the kitchen." -Conan O'Brien

***

"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China

and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your

homework. People in India and China are starving for your

job.'" -Thomas Friedman

***

"Historians just found a document that showed a list of

liquor George Washington wanted for his New York head-

quarters, including a keg of brandy, a box of claret, a

box of fortified wine, a basket of cordials and two kinds

of cheese. So not only was George Washington the father of

our country, he also invented the mini-bar." -Jimmy Kimmel

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The local high school has a policy that the parents must call

the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice

deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.

So she waited until her parents had left for work and called

the school herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it

to school today because she is ill."

Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that.

I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

"This is my mother."

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A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend.

"I'm really depressed all the time and I think negative

thoughts. I'm always bored, I feel listless and I am always

tired."

"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.

"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm

not allowed on the couch.

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Warranty Claim

An angry client went back to the automobile garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

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Warranty

An angry client went back to the automobile garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

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Bath Note

Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply
taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve
soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing
myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than
I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects,
but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people
don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in
the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of
wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I
promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side.
I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter
what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be
plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and
contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important
things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a
new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom
door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a
message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need
to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your
brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with
telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between
the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano
with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your
lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the
bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it
more this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful.
I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to
Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the
bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to
think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do
not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does
it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors
locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to
get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the
place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken
glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there
is an emergency.

Emergencies ARE:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are NOT:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper
for a towel does not make me happy. In the future, when the tub
overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in
the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay?
No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while
I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time.
Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the
coffee table.

I'll be out soon. Maybe.

Love,
Your Mom

hUMOR For July 23rd

Walking the Brick

A police man on duty saw a man with a brick on a leash. Being the man that he was he went over and said, "Nice dog you've got there."

The man replied, "It's not a dog, it's a brick, dummy!"

The policeman said "I'm really sorry for wasting your time" feeling embarrassed and strolled away quickly.

When the policeman was out of sight the man bent down and whispered to the brick: "Got him there didn't we Rover?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Don't Mess With Southerners

Two businessmen in New York city are sitting down for a

break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't

ready - only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is

going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what

we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,

a curious southerner walks to the window, has a peek, and in

a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"

One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling idiots here."

Without skipping a beat, the southern gentleman says, "Well,

I see y'all're doing really good. You only got two left!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell

their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you

tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will

tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent

of the men aren't listening anyway." -Jay Leno

***

"I have just two superstitions. One, don't call someone a

bad name if they have a loaded pistol. Two, don't call your

girl friend Tina if her name is Vivian."

--Basketball player George Underwood

[And I can appreciate both of those!]

***

"As if we don't have enough problems. Fifteen different pre-

scription drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen! Honest to

God, you need a doctor's prescription to turn on the faucet."

-David Letterman

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out

on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind

us--sirens wailing, lights flashing.

"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars

pulled over.

"No," said the officer. "But you are driving a stolen

vehicle."

Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. "Does this mean

I failed my test?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had

just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had

just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen

asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly

scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a

quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"It's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Engine Trouble"

A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Communication

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when
the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great
relationship," the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Misfortune

After the sermon was over, one member of the congregation had lingered after the other members had shook hands with the minister on their way out. The minister recognized the young man as one whom he had married a couple of months before.

As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked, "Reverend, do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes of others?"

"Certainly not," replied the preacher.

"Well, in that case, could I have the $50 back that I gave you for marrying me?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Retired Preacher

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.

The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Sport

First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.

Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?

First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Teasing

My grandson, Justus, age 10, and his sister Taylor, age 13,

were always teasing each other. One day, Justus was getting

"sensitive" about things his sister was saying to him. I

reminded him that he had said the same types of things many

times in days past.

With quiet reflection, he spoke a gospel truth: "But it

doesn't hurt as much coming out of my mouth as it does going

into my ears."