hUMOR For July 25th

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries With That.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'

7. Finish All Your sentences with, "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream, "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot Yelling, "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity is to - Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Live well, Laugh often, Love much....

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

History of South Africa

Nobel Peace Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South

Africa explains the history of white settlement of his

country like this:

When the white man came, we had the land and he had the

Bible.

He said, "Let us pray," so we all bowed our heads, closed

our eyes, and prayed.

And when we opened our eyes, lo and behold, we had the Bible

and he had the land.

But you know, we got the best deal!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"This week Starbucks is unveiling a new drink called a

Vivanno. Apparently Vivanno is the Italian word for 'You

just wasted $8.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"I'm growing a mustache for Vegas Week. Lots of great Vegas

entertainers had mustaches...Robert Goulet...Sammy Davis, Jr

...Cher." -Craig Ferguson

***

"Six Olive Garden waitresses have posed naked for the Play-

boy magazine. I'm thinking, come on, really? When I'm in

Olive Garden, I have trouble getting extra bread sticks."

-David Letterman

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue

over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me.

Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the

shoulder.

"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private

conversation."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Harry was never shy about reminding people that he played

semi-pro baseball.

"My teammates used to call me James Bond," he was telling

his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the

opposition."

"That and he batted .007," his wife added.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

M&M Genetics

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end,
I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That
is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner
gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher,
and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have
hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the
intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and
snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably
this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the
candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to
its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one
as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars
A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a
free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I
have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of
hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Letter from the Inside

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Emergency Number

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"

The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Philosophy Final

A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"

The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Romantic at Heart

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I’m a divorce lawyer."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bear Advisory

The California State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Tahoe, Mammoth, Arrowbear, and Whisky Flat areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

hUMOR For July 24th

'I Hope You Dance... '

This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.

*The last line says it all. *

Dear Bertha,

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was.

I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.

Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.

If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last.

Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them.

"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Golf Nut

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill said, "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."

"I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"In Texas, pranksters threw a snake into the drive through

window at a Taco Bell. Fortunately, the snake was immediately

killed by all the rats in the kitchen." -Conan O'Brien

***

"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China

and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your

homework. People in India and China are starving for your

job.'" -Thomas Friedman

***

"Historians just found a document that showed a list of

liquor George Washington wanted for his New York head-

quarters, including a keg of brandy, a box of claret, a

box of fortified wine, a basket of cordials and two kinds

of cheese. So not only was George Washington the father of

our country, he also invented the mini-bar." -Jimmy Kimmel

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call

the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice

deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.

So she waited until her parents had left for work and called

the school herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it

to school today because she is ill."

Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that.

I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

"This is my mother."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend.

"I'm really depressed all the time and I think negative

thoughts. I'm always bored, I feel listless and I am always

tired."

"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.

"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm

not allowed on the couch.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Warranty Claim

An angry client went back to the automobile garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Warranty

An angry client went back to the automobile garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bath Note

Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply
taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve
soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing
myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than
I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects,
but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people
don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in
the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of
wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I
promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side.
I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter
what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be
plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and
contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important
things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a
new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom
door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a
message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need
to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your
brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with
telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between
the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano
with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your
lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the
bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it
more this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful.
I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to
Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the
bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to
think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do
not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does
it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors
locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to
get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the
place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken
glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there
is an emergency.

Emergencies ARE:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are NOT:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper
for a towel does not make me happy. In the future, when the tub
overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in
the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay?
No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while
I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time.
Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the
coffee table.

I'll be out soon. Maybe.

Love,
Your Mom

hUMOR For July 23rd

Walking the Brick

A police man on duty saw a man with a brick on a leash. Being the man that he was he went over and said, "Nice dog you've got there."

The man replied, "It's not a dog, it's a brick, dummy!"

The policeman said "I'm really sorry for wasting your time" feeling embarrassed and strolled away quickly.

When the policeman was out of sight the man bent down and whispered to the brick: "Got him there didn't we Rover?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Don't Mess With Southerners

Two businessmen in New York city are sitting down for a

break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't

ready - only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is

going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what

we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,

a curious southerner walks to the window, has a peek, and in

a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"

One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling idiots here."

Without skipping a beat, the southern gentleman says, "Well,

I see y'all're doing really good. You only got two left!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell

their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you

tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will

tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent

of the men aren't listening anyway." -Jay Leno

***

"I have just two superstitions. One, don't call someone a

bad name if they have a loaded pistol. Two, don't call your

girl friend Tina if her name is Vivian."

--Basketball player George Underwood

[And I can appreciate both of those!]

***

"As if we don't have enough problems. Fifteen different pre-

scription drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen! Honest to

God, you need a doctor's prescription to turn on the faucet."

-David Letterman

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out

on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind

us--sirens wailing, lights flashing.

"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars

pulled over.

"No," said the officer. "But you are driving a stolen

vehicle."

Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. "Does this mean

I failed my test?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had

just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had

just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen

asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly

scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a

quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"It's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Engine Trouble"

A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Communication

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when
the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great
relationship," the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Misfortune

After the sermon was over, one member of the congregation had lingered after the other members had shook hands with the minister on their way out. The minister recognized the young man as one whom he had married a couple of months before.

As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked, "Reverend, do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes of others?"

"Certainly not," replied the preacher.

"Well, in that case, could I have the $50 back that I gave you for marrying me?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Retired Preacher

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.

The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Sport

First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.

Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?

First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Teasing

My grandson, Justus, age 10, and his sister Taylor, age 13,

were always teasing each other. One day, Justus was getting

"sensitive" about things his sister was saying to him. I

reminded him that he had said the same types of things many

times in days past.

With quiet reflection, he spoke a gospel truth: "But it

doesn't hurt as much coming out of my mouth as it does going

into my ears."

hUMOR For July 22nd

After Effects

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fair Compensation
A rancher's return on investment

A motorist, driving by a large ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would be worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out.”

The motorist sat down, wrote out a cheque and handed it to the farmer.

“Here,” he said, “is the cheque for $900. It's postdated six years from now.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Farmer’s Creed

I believe a man’s greatest possession is his dignity and that no calling bestows this more abundantly than farming.

I believe hard work and honest sweat are the building blocks of a person’s character.

I believe that farming, despite its hardships and disappointments, is the most honest and honourable way a man can spend his days on this earth.

I believe farming nurtures the close family ties that make life rich in ways money can’t buy.

I believe my children are learning values that will last a lifetime and can be learned in no other way.

I believe farming provides education for life and that no other occupation teaches so much about birth, growth and maturity in such a variety of ways.

I believe many of the best things in life are indeed free; the splendor of a sunrise, the rapture of wide-open spaces, the exhilarating sight of your land greening each spring.

I believe true happiness comes from watching your crops ripen in the field, your children growing tall in the sun, your whole family feeling the pride that springs from their shared experience.

I believe that by my toil I am giving more to the world than I am taking from it, an honour that does not come to all men.

I believe my life will be measured ultimately by what I have done for my fellow man, and by this standard I fear no judgment.

I believe when a man grows old and sums up his days, he should be able to stand tall and feel pride in the life he’s lived.

I believe in farming because it makes all this possible.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

An email from Ireland to their brethren in the States ... a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States

On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who can't keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What the heck problem do you lads over there in the colonies have in deciding which one to vote for??'

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

More Crazy Names

Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
A: Phantom of the Oprah!

Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!

Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
A: Bob!

Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!

Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer?
A: Claude Bottom

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

On Hearing the News

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"

The man paused for a moment, then quietly said, "No" and hung up.

Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer. The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.

Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"

The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Switching Sides

A life long supporter of the people's party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the establishment party.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're people through and through. Why change now?"

The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Politicians on a Plane

Three politicians are flying in a plane. The first one looks at the second, buffs his carefully manicured fingernails against his Brooks Brothers suit, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

The second shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make ten people very happy".

The third tosses her perfectly coiffed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Secrets of the Trade

A merchant teaches his son the secrets of the trade: "When you charge a customer $100, and he pays you by mistake $200, you have an ethical dilemma -- should you tell your partner?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Doctor's Orders

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Another Frivilous Lawsuit

Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

hUMOR For July 21st

In Great Detail

One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local air force base,

I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he

wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed.

When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting

an award, or do you have an important military function to

attend?"

"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on

leave, and my little brother is taking me to his

second-grade class for show-and-tell."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Saharan Lumberjack

The classified ad said, "Wanted: a very experienced lumberjack". A man answered the ad and was asked to describe his experience.

"I've worked at the Sahara Forest."

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the interviewer.

The man laughed and answered, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Coal Delivery

Teacher to student: "If coal is selling at $10 a ton and you pay your
dealer $50, how many tons will he bring you?"

"Maybe four and half tons, ma'am."

"Why, no, that isn't right,"

"No, ma'am, I know it isn't, but Dad says they all do it."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Interview Stories

The following are "actual" post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:

1. "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any farther."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Picture Menu"

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic,

"Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"The flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot - like anyone goes, 'Oh, he's good. I like his work.'"
- David Spade

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Candidate Test"

After 50 years preaching from the same pulpit, a much loved pastor decided to retire. Because the church building was classically elegant, the manse spacious and comfortable and the congregation large and generous, applications poured in. The board of elders was faced with the daunting task of sifting through the resumes to find a replacement. One night the board president voiced his concerns at home. His computer savvy son said, "Don't worry Dad, I can create a program to help you."

The next week the son showed up with his laptop and demonstrated his program for the board. "The program takes everything into account from the number of Scripture verses the preacher uses, to the length of the sermon, to the number of hesitations he uses, and to the congregation reaction. Then it is all compiled into one easy-to-read graph here on the screen."

The board agreed that the program might be able to save them a lot of work and decided to try it.

The next week the first candidate was scheduled to preach. The son set up the computer, a microphone and several cameras in the church. The elders observed that the preaching was a a bit lackluster and that several congregants had nodded off, but decided to wait until they saw what the computer said.

After the service, they asked the son, "So how did he rate?"

The young man replied, "He was a 5 on the rector scale."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Head Space”

One day a group of people we were sitting and talking. A not so bright woman was among the group and she even participated in the discussion. When she came up with an unusually stupid comment, one of the friends couldn't take it anymore. He said to her, "You must have vacuum in your head."

This upset her greatly. She looked at him for a couple of seconds and then replied, "At least it's better than nothing."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Charm School 101

At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the
instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their
escorts every chance to be gallant. She said, "Remain seated in the
truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you."

Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if the man is in the
restaurant ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Hard of Hearing

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Economics Professor

Vern Allen an professor at CFCC had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam.

Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. Vern looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell."

The guy looked at Vern and said, "Vern, do you know who I am!"

Vern replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam"

The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am?"

The Vern responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are."

With that, the guy said "Good!" plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other student's exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Crazy Names

Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats!

Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
A: Beatrix Potter!

Q: What do you call a lion with toothache?
A: Rory!

Q: What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
A: Laurie!

Q: What do you call a man with turf on his head?
A: Pete!

hUMOR For July 20th

Surprising Answer

Technician's Bill

A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The

company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the

raw materials at one end and churning out the finished

product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped

and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants

to get it started again. The plant's manager stormed out of

his office to find out why his multi-million-dollar machine

wasn't making him any money. He listened to his people

saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call

a technician.

Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained

to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.

The technician listened patiently, took one look at the

massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked

over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a

screw. The technician took a screwdriver and turned the

screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine

suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.

The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his

hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company. The

technician answered, "$100,000.00." The manager looked at

him and said, "You were here less then two minutes and just

turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an

itemized bill."

The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:

Turning of one screw: $1.00.

Knowing which screw to turn: $99,9999.00.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably

something his wife can beat him at.

***

A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages. His

first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn't.

***

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he

would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to

be good; why can't you be good for nothing like your father?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his

high-school alma mater.

Last fall, a member of the Class of 86 returned the standard

alumni questionnaire with this response:

Marital Status - Not good

Wife's Name - Plaintiff

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple

next door and said, "Do you see that couple, how devoted they

are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do

that?"

"I don't know her well enough."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Differentiate You!

A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change.

Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction.

Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Follow Instructions

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?

Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"I bet that Van Gogh guy cut off his ear by accident and made

up that 'lost love' story so he wouldn't look stupid."

--Andy Pierson

***

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent

Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing

on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a

weapon.

***

"I don't have any kids. Well, at least none that I know about.

I'd like to have kids one day, though. I want to be called

Mommy by somebody other than Spanish guys in the street."

--Carol Leifer

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A group of junior-level executives were participating in

a management training program. The seminar leader pounded

home his point about the need to make decisions and take

action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log

and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would

you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five

because there is a difference between deciding to jump and

jumping."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the

library... The librarian quips after checking the books...

"Sir your books are always returned with the last page

missing in every single book..."

The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an

appendix when ever I see one."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

HOW TO SAVE MONEY ON YOUR TAXES

There are thousands of ways to reduce your federal income tax liability. Most of them are illegal. We don't guarantee the following suggestions will work, or won't end up having you sent to prison for 162 years:

AVOID MAKING TOO MUCH MONEY: The income tax code still penalizes success. The more money you make, the bigger the bite IRS takes. There is a point each year where you will have to say "no more income" and tell your boss you will work for free. Actually your choice is working for the federal government, or for your boss for free. What a choice!

ELIMINATE YOUR INCOME: The easiest way to reduce your tax burden is to reduce your income. Quit your job. Sell your business. Declare bankruptcy. As a long-term solution, though, this method has its downsides.

LOSE MONEY: In theory you can lose as much money as you make, so long as the making is real dollars and the losing is paper money. Big corporations do this somehow. MyHumor.org needs investors.

DEPRECIATION: Depreciation is a real scam. Everything you own decreases in value over time. Businesses get to deduct depreciation as a real expense, but people don't. Lobby for personal depreciation, the older we get, the lower our tax percentage.

DEPENDENTS: If you believe animals have the same rights as people, take your dog as a deduction. Getting your dog a Social Security number, however, will be difficult.

AVOID BEING SELF-EMPLOYED: Before the advent of income taxes, being in business for yourself as a doctor, lawyer, blacksmith, or whatever were noble professions. You didn't work for "yourself", you offered your services to mostly happy customers. But the federal government doesn't get payroll deductions from traditional small businesses, so they have created the disparaging term "self-employed". When you try and get a loan, just write down "self-employed" on the line for employment, and watch your borrowing capacity vanish. "Self-employed" is translated as "audit the rascal" in IRS lingo.

INCORPORATE YOURSELF: Corporations get lots of breaks you don't as a human being. For instance, corporations get to write off health insurance costs as a business expenses, but self-employed people get screwed. If you can't figure out what it is you as a corporation would do, don't worry. Many of the top corporations can't either.

KEEP YOUR BOOKS IN PESOS: Instead of using US currency as the basis for your business, use pesos. No one knows what a peso is worth or which countries are currently using them.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you ‘tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV