hUMOR For July 17th

Headlines

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

School Daze

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework.

The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Art Appreciation

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Three Topics

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Chickens in Trees

During the Revolutionary War, there was a small encampment

of patriot soldiers the woods. Before they went to bed that

night, they tied chickens (they were saving them for a

special meal when needed) to the trees around the

campground.

Sure enough, some British soldiers were stumbling through

the woods that night and frightened the chickens. Their

screams and clucks woke the Patriots and they were able to

defeat and capture the entire group of British soldiers. A

few nights later, the cook prepared the chickens for dinner.

The soldiers said, "This is really good. What do you call

it?"

The chef said that in honor of these special chickens who

saved their lives, he called it "Chicken Catch a Tory."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 55

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Plane Programming"

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Freedom"

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

Vernie came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .

"I'm not free. I'm four."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Doctor’s Orders

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Secure Buildings”

Why the Military can't communicate with each other. . .

If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.

If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.

If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.

If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Windoze Quotes

• "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?"

• Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

• Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."

• "I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."

• Tech Support: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."
Tech Support: "What program is it?"
Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."
Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"
Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."

• Customer: "File manager? What's that?"
Tech Support: "How long have you had your computer?"
Customer: "Three years."

• "I have a 386 Pentium."

• "My brother has a 486 with a Pentium chip in it."

• Customer: "The computer told me it had contagious memory. Does it have a virus?"
Tech Support: "No, that is 'contiguous' memory, as in 'sequential'."
Customer: "That is impossible, it said 'contagious'."
Tech Support: "Type 'mem' and hit the 'enter' key."
Customer: "Oh."

• "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

hUMOR For July 16th

My Way or the Highway

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Hurts All Over

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Used Heart

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's".

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Programmer's Cheer

Shift to the left, shift to the right!

Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood"

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs. (If LEGOs are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

John was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning John got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

John has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him .

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He

said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for

you.'" -Jay Leno

***

"There was a story on 60 Minutes last night that said the

happiest people on earth are not Americans. The Danish are

the happiest people! I'm not surprised — they make Legos

in Denmark. Who doesn't like Logos?" -Craig Ferguson

***

"The New York City subway system announced that it will hire

350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the

number of workers cleaning the subway to 350." -Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school

any more. Following are actual answers from students on

music tests...

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was

called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the

same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex-

actly what they sounded like because there are no known

descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze

Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica,

Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in

Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a

duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the

Hatfields and the McCoys.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com-

positions and had a large number of children. In between he

practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano

concerti.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to

him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little

abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope.

One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL"

(sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that

the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read

this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't

stick--resealed in Seattle."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Recent Quips from Late Night

"Of course, the big thing is Hillary Clinton is now campaigning with and for Barack Obama. Are you aware of this? That they actually go out on the campaign trail together? And during the day, Hillary and Barack will attend functions, various functions on the campaign trail. Then at night, they go back to separate hotels. Now wait a minute. No, that's Hillary and Bill" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in Unity, New Hampshire, today. Isn't that cute? Unity, New Hampshire. For real. Their tour goes from Unity to Tolerate, Rhode Island; and Getting on My Nerves, Virginia; and then Crazy Makeup Sex, California." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big ruling coming out of the Supreme Court now. They have ruled individuals have the right to carry guns. Yeah. But now listen, seriously. Don't think you can just go into a gun store and buy a gun. No, no, no. There is still a strict 15-minute waiting period." --David Letterman

"I got a little riddle for you before we start the show. What's got two legs, a cabinet and 207 days left to be president? Give up? It's still-President George W. Bush! And he remains as committed as ever to his 'I don't talk to no terrorist' policy [on screen: Bush talking about how some people believe the U.S. 'should negotiate with the terrorists and radicals']. Phooey. When it comes to the war on terror, Bush is no Neville Chamberlain, no weak-kneed, panty-waist English appeaser. He's Wilt Chamberlain, dominating the paint, running the give-and-go, telling the terrorists, no, not in my house!" --Jon Stewart

"But John McCain, here's what he likes to do on the weekends. He sits on the porch in front of the house looking for out-of-state license plates." --David Letterman

"I guess there was one small incident where [Hillary] jumped behind the wheel of the bus and tried to run [Obama] over. Other than that, Hillary and Barack seem to be getting along very well." --Jimmy Kimmel

hUMOR For Juoly 15th

Illustration - "Procrastinator's Creed"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Procrastinator's Creed

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Career Choices

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Managers and Engineers

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height
of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape
measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape
measures -- the whole thing is just a mess.

A group of engineers arrive and see what the managers are trying to
do. They walk over to the flagpole, pull it out of the ground and lay
it flat on the ground. They measure it from end to end, give the
measurement to one of the managers, and then walk away.

After the engineers have gone, one manager turns to another and
laughs. "Isn't that just like engineers? We're looking for the height
and they give us the length."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Unsuitable Steak

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Unsuitable Steak

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Sure Bet

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fisher of Men

The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."

"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

America's Independence Day

A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball

games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the

start of each game.

Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday

shortly before Independence Day.

The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after

everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out,

"PLAY BALL!!!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Politically Correct NFL

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now
on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of
the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football
League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the
upcoming season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall
People on opening day.

Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the
St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering
Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the
showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the
New Orleans Pretty Good People.

The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of
Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes
against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.

The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to
Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.

And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large
Mountain Mammals.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New
England Zealous Lovers of Country.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cabbie in Heaven

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Drunk Excuses

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Tailoring

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.

Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."

After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"

"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

hUMOR For July 14th

”Breakfast Order”

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order.

He says: "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the cook. "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this is, an auto parts store?"

"No" the cook says. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon."

"Oh," says the waitress.

The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says, "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Pronouns

Teacher: Vernie, name two pronouns.

Vernie: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Questions, Questions, Questions!

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Reasons to Become a Nurse

- Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
- Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
- Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
- Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
- Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
- Interesting aromas.
- Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
- Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work.
- Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
- Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Slow vs. Fast

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.

Patient: And how much will it cost?

Dentist: It's $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Salesman's Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of

unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up

trying to get him to change. One day John came home with

another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that

John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their

11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over

two hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late

getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra

credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around

the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of

his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us

where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went

around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his

chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up from

the floor, sat down, and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really

watched an R-rated movie."

"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age,

I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to

John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of

his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said,

"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad

with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and

knocked her out of her chair.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"It's the last weekend in California to drive and talk on

the cell phone without a headset. Starting Tuesday, if you

are caught talking on the phone without a hands-free device,

you get hit with a $20 fine. One nice thing — now that I

will have my hands free, it's easier to return gun fire with

other motorists." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"My mother was as religious as she was repressed. Her facts

of life speech began with the phrase, 'Satan takes many

forms...'" -Dana Gould

***

"They say that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray,

which is a good thing to remember the next time you get

lonely." -Fred Stoller

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house,

which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate

agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day

to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk

to anyone about the house.

One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and

asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first

reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became

more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one

secret but she could not tell it to him.

"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret.

I promise I won't tell anyone."

She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have

monsters in our sewer."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

In the office where I work, there is a constant battle

between our technical-support director and customer-service

personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too

low.

The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his

position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the

temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers

will overheat."

Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my

shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they

keep the computers from overheating before there was air

conditioning?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Bear Flight"

During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Amerians, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.

As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"Anyone who's led a flawless life is hopelessly imperfect."
- Yasha Harari

hUMOR For July 13th

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take

your eyes off the goal." -Henry Ford

***

"Don't worry about tomorrow. After all, today is the tomor-

row you worried about yesterday."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Wherever we take our twin daughters, strangers always come

up to us and say, "Look, twins!" During a Las Vegas trip,

though, we were wheeling them in their stroller through a

hotel lobby when a woman came around a corner and exclaimed,

"Look, a pair!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-

conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained

to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.

"Even the professor is younger than I am," I said.

"Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point

of view. At my age I never thought I would be fooling around

with a college girl again!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bosses Night

At an annual Bosses Night dinner in Helena, Montana, where legal
secretaries sponsored their lawyer bosses, it was time to announce
the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a
graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates
some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That
eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

It's All in The Perspective

An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car.

The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

We Got It!

Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right.

The third statistician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "On the average we got it!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Eating Frogs

An economist and an accountant are walking along a large puddle. They come across a frog jumping on the mud.

The economist says: "If you eat the frog I'll give you $20,000!"

The accountant checks his budget and figures out he's better off eating it, so he does and collects money.

Frog by Deddi Shy Continuing along the same puddle they almost step into yet another frog. The accountant says:

"Now, if you eat this frog I'll give you $20,000."

After evaluating the proposal the economist eats the frog and gets the money.

They go on. The accountant starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate frogs. I don't see us being better off."

The economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Searching

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"

The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Star Wars Punny

One day, Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi were at a very

fancy dinner party they had hosted. They were seated in full

view of the rest of the people in attendance, and Luke, his

table manners somewhat lacking, was devouring his bantha

meat with his bare hands.

Obi-Wan, sensing that this display of savageness was rather

disturbing to their guests, leaned over to Luke, and

whispered: "Use the fork, Luke!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"The fourth of July is less than a week away. I'm already

trying to figure out which finger to blow off."

-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"My family gets together with me every Fourth of July. Two

years ago, we saw my uncle drinking out of a flask... turns

out it was charcoal lighter fluid." -David Letterman

***

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, the big story out there con-

tinues to be the high cost of gasoline. Four bucks a gallon.

I have stopped traveling anywhere that is not downhill."

-Stephen Colbert

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A wholesaler in New York sent a letter to the postmaster of

a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest

lawyer who would take a collection case against a local

debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the whole-

saler's goods. He got this reply:

Dear Sir: I am the postmaster of this village and received

your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would

be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor.

In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you

sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay

and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the

draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a

note stating that the merchant had refused to pay.

If I were not, for the time being, substituting for the

pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I

thought of your claim.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

An elderly man constantly called his doctor at all hours of

the day and night and would then keep him on the phone with

a litany of imagined ailments.

Finally the doctor could take it no longer. "Listen, Mr.

Jones, if you wake me up again in the middle of the night

with another one of your tales about some made-up ailment,

I am going to insist you see another physician. Have I

made myself clear?"

A week later, the unfortunate man slipped and fell down a

flight of stairs, breaking his hip, two ribs, en elbow, and

suffering a concussion. He was rushed to the hospital and

put in intensive care.

An hour later, his doctor walked in, saw his condition, and

exclaimed "I think you're finally getting the hang of it!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Breaking Habits

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Library Argument"

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures.

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "X-Ray Failure"

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.

"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.

"I do." said the student.

"A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver."

"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student

"I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it."