hUMOR For June 24th

CleanQuote

"I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids."

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Illustration - "In His Hands"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

"In His Hands"

We know not what tomorrow brings
... Although we plan ahead
For only God alone can know
... the pathway we must tread.

We cannot know the future
... not one minute nor one hour
Each circumstance that we must face
... lay only in His power.

It's vital that we live by faith
... from minute unto minute
And trusting that each step we take
... He's walking with us in it.

We cannot see the future
... nor the trials we must face
But in all things, God promised us
... sufficiency of grace.

This alone should give us hope
... whatever be our plans
In knowing that our future lies
... in His sweet, loving hands.

-Betty Purser Patten

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Get Your Money's Worth

A feisty 70 year-old woman had to call the electric company for a repairman.

After a quick inspection, Al, the man from the power company found the problem and handed her a $70 bill for labor.

"Labor charges! One hour?" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes!"

Al explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.

"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.

Al spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

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"Bosses Night"

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

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CleanQuote

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn no other way."
- Mark Twain

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Illustration - "Trust"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

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Weird News

Crocodile may have been swimming star

ISLE OF PALMS, S.C. (UPI) -- A crocodile captured in Isle of Palms may actually have swum to the South Carolina city from Florida, natural resources officials say.

Steve Bennett, an amphibian and reptile conservation specialist in the South Carolina Department of Natural Resources, said the 6-foot reptile, thought to be an American crocodile, could easily have traveled miles up the Atlantic Coast from the Everglades in southern Florida to Isle of Palms, The (Charleston, S.C.) Post and Courier reported.

"It's not as ludicrous as you think. These are crocodile. They are not American alligators. These are saltwater animals," Bennett said. "Swimming a mile or two off the coast is nothing for a crocodile."

The crocodile was captured Thursday near a pier after managing to avoid trappers for weeks. Sgt. James Ryan of the Isle of Palms Police said residents were advised to stay clear of the potentially dangerous reptile.

"It's the same as when one turns up on the golf course -- 'Guess what? You better let him play through, because he belongs there and you don't,'" Ryan said.

The crocodile is protected under endangered species laws and would likely either be taken to an alligator park or a Florida preserve rather than be put down, The Post and Courier said.

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New outhouse too fancy for farmer

CINCINNATI (UPI) -- A new outhouse built by a Cincinnati non-profit group is simply too fancy for Elbert "Lew" Preston, the Ohio farmer says.

The 79-year-old retired tobacco farmer said the concrete and treated lumber outhouse built by People Working Cooperatively is a far cry from the simple wooden structure he once had sitting above a hole in the ground, The Cincinnati Enquirer reported.

"It's too nice and complicated to be an outhouse," Preston said. "I call it a privy."

The senior citizen said his old outhouse not only survived decades of usage, but even remained in service after being uprooted by a tornado in 1997.

A visit by board of health officials resulted in the outhouse being condemned. That's when People Working Cooperatively offered to build a new structure for Preston.

He says he misses his dilapidated outhouse but he's relieved he can still relieve himself outside.

"When you're in a house, sounds carry," Preston told the Enquirer. "Everybody knows your business."

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Crosswalks newest undercover police beat

CHICAGO (UPI) -- The upcoming use of undercover police officers at Chicago crosswalks may not be "Serpico," but is a safety necessity, police officials say.

While the undercover efforts pale in comparison to those in the 1973 police corruption movie, Chicago Police Department Traffic Department Cmdr. Robert Evans said the newest police focus is meant to ensure the safety of pedestrians, the Chicago Tribune reported.

The police official said officers will pose as civilians and issue warning citations to those drivers who do not give pedestrians the right of way at crosswalks.

Evans said the undercover assignments may not be full of adventure but that does not mean there is no risk involved.

"We are not going to put officers in jeopardy to make a point," Evans explained. "But any day you put on a police uniform, or put on plainclothes, you are taking risks."

Chicago area resident Gary Hackley suggested the fault may actually lay with pedestrians.

"Chicagoans routinely wander across the middle of streets, engrossed in cell phone calls or sipping their coffee, and leave it to drivers to keep them safe," he told the Tribune.

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Pants"

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked.

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in your family?"

"I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash and iron them."

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Oneliner

"As I said before, I never repeat myself."

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CleanPun - "Pencils"

"A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead."
- Stan Laurel

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”Under the Bed Fear”

John went to a psychiatrist: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?" John asked warily.

"Each visit is $150," replied the doctor.

"Well, I'll sleep on it."

Six months later the doctor bumped into John on the street: "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?"

"Well, one hundred and fifty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A friend at work cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!"

"Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

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Wanted Man

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling."

hUM0R For June 23rd

Oneliner

"Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups."

CleanPun - "Menu Question"

My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA.

Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied, "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

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School Photograph

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think
how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

Vernie at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher ... she's dead."

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”Asking Questions”

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,may I smoke while I pray?"

But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation ;)

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Summer Job Hunt

My brother wanted me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check
with my boss, my friends, my business associates.

Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the
employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section
of the newspaper.

I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.

He said, "A self-starter!"

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Weird News

Mayor wins quarter-million in lottery

LAWRENCEVILLE, Ga. (UPI) -- The mayor of Lawrenceville, Ga., said he has won a quarter of a million dollars from the Mega Millions lottery.

Rex Millsaps, 57, who works as an accountant in addition to his part-time mayoral duties, said his winnings will go toward his daughter's wedding and detailing his pickup truck, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported.

Millsaps said he will give the remaining money to his children and grandchildren.

The mayor said he checked the numbers from the drawing Saturday and called his wife to tell her he had matched the first five numbers of the winning combination.

"She didn't believe me," he said. "I ended up taking it back to the store, and the computer said to go immediately to the lottery office."

Millsaps, who said he plans to run for re-election in November, said his prize would have been $16 million if he had matched the Mega Ball number, 32. He said his ticket bore the number 34 in the Mega Ball category.

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Bride's vomit fear delays wedding

LONDON (UPI) -- A London bride-to-be whose wedding was postponed because of her fear of vomiting said she is seeking hypnotherapy to help her overcome her phobia.

Emma Pelling, 19, said she has been unable to go through with her wedding to Gareth Heal because she suffers from emetophobia, an intense fear of vomiting, The Telegraph reported.

"I have this recurring nightmare of being ill as a bride, running out of the church and abandoning my husband at the altar," Pelling said.

Pelling, who said her fear has kept her from visiting places where she has vomited in the past, said she has sought the help of a hypnotherapist to help cure her of the phobia.

"I want to make it a special day for both of us. I hope the hypnotherapist can cure me so I can enjoy our special day without the fear of being ill," she said.

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Snake gives biologist the slip

EAGLE RIVER, Alaska (UPI) -- An Alaska Fish and Game biologist said a baby rubber boa constrictor has escaped from its terrarium in her Eagle River, Alaska, home.

Biologist Jessy Coltrane said she took in the 8-inch-long snake, named Grubb, after it was found Friday in an Anchorage man's garage, the Anchorage Daily News reported.

However, she said the snake, which is not dangerous to humans, disappeared from its terrarium Tuesday.

Coltrane said Grubb is likely hiding somewhere in the vicinity of her home. She said that during the days it was in her house, it did little other than burrow.

The biologist said experts are unsure of how the baby snake ended up in Anchorage.

"It could be an escaped pet, or it could have come from an escaped female that laid eggs," she said.

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Free funeral for baseball fan

GRAND PRAIRIE, Texas (UPI) -- A woman who won a free funeral at a Grand Prairie, Texas, minor league baseball game said she has survived numerous medical problems.

Elaine Fulps, 60, bested other Grand Prairie Airhogs fans in a competition that included a pallbearer's race, a mummy wrap and a eulogy delivery at Tuesday's game, The Dallas Morning News reported.

Fulps said she performed all of the feats while wearing a neck brace related to multiple medical problems that have led to about 20 surgeries.

"I almost croaked many times," Fulps said.

"God still has me around for a reason," she said. "To win a funeral."

The $10,000 funeral, part of the American Association of Independent Professional Baseball team's All Hogs Go to Heaven promotion, will be provided by the Chapel of Roses Funeral Home.

Fulps said she plans to meet soon with funeral home officials to work out the details of her prize, which includes a free headstone and burial plot.

"I'm going to pick a spot under a tree out of the Texas heat," she said. "And let's hope it's a pet-free cemetery. I don't want to get watered on."

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An Easy Enough Mistake

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

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Learning Today

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

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Pronouns

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.

Billy: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!

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Feel Better Now

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

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Goodbye, Mom

I was shopping at Walmart and noticed a little old lady

following me around. I stopped; she stopped. Furthermore,

she kept staring at me. She finally overtook me at the

checkout, and she turned to me and said, "I hope I haven't

made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much

like my late son."

I answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, Mom,' as

I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her

way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at me.

Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's

day, I went to pay for my groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

Shocked, I asked, "How come so much!? I only bought five

items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be

paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little old ladies!!!

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"The Chief's Wife"

"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."

The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"

hUMOR For June 22nd

Old Family Physician

The old family physician being away on vacation, entrusted his practice to his son - a recent medical student. When the old man returned, the youngster told him among other things, that he cured Miss Ferguson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion.

"My boy," said the old doctor, "I'm proud of you, but Miss Ferguson's indigestion is what put you through college."

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A Long Walk

One day after a nasty streak of bad weather, I asked my

teenage son to take our dog for a long walk after school.

When I came home from work, I found my son stretched out on

the recliner, watching television.

He had leash in hand while the dog trotted happily away on

the treadmill.

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Yesterday we were talking about John McCain's recently released medical records. 1,200 pages covering all the diseases he's had in the last eight years from A to Z. From acute oldness to Zabar's elbow. That's a repetitive motion injury, caused by excessive shmearing. ... Fair is fair, so today, Barack Obama released his medical records detailing the last 21 years, and this is them, I kid you not [on screen: Stewart holds up one sheet of paper]. A one-page letter from Obama's doctor stating that the senator -- and it is to whom it may concern -- [is quote] in excellent health and, continuing quote, on physical compassion his blood pressure was 90 over 60, pulse 60 beats per minute, his build was lean and muscular with no excess body fat. His chest was smooth and hard like the hood of a Mustang. As I watched the dewy beads of moisture glisten on his corrugated stomach, I was thankful this was my last appointment of the day. With trembling hands, I held up his urine sample to the light. There was sedimentation. Anyway, it ends there. My point is, come on. What is he, Achilles, for God's sake? He's got a problem in his heel, that's all I could find." --Jon Stewart

"Nation, yesterday, Democratic party lawyers found that Michigan and Florida must forfeit at least half their delegates for breaking DNC rules and holding primaries early. Michigan responded by changing its shape from a mitten to a angry mitten [on screen: a doctored map of Michigan with a 'middle finger' at the top], while Florida just became limper [on screen: a doctored map of Florida, with the tip of the state drooping to the left]. The decision sets the stage for more Democratic chaos. ... This Saturday, the Rules and Bylaws Committee of the Democratic National Committee -- it is a committee of the committee -- will decide what to do about the Florida and Michigan primaries. As you may recall, all the frontrunners agreed not to campaign in those states, and all of them pulled their names from the Michigan ballot, except for Hillary Clinton. Then, huge surprise, Hillary won Michigan! Not, of course, [that] it would ever count [on screen: audio of Clinton saying Florida and Michigan votes won't be counted]. Then, 23 states later and trailing Obama, Clinton added [on screen: audio of Clinton saying the Democratic Party must count the Florida and Michigan votes]. Now, some say this is inconsistent. But I say she's being remarkably consistent in saying whatever it takes to win." --Stephen Colbert

"But here's how I explain it. Come with me on the journey, if you will. Imagine that we had never gone into Iraq, that this president had taken immediate and effective action on Katrina, gas was like 99 cents for low-test, and Cheney had never been born. Just imagine that. And then look at these pictures. Look, hey, it's president doing the Heisman, a little ring a ding ding, oh, kiss, kiss, blow, blow, and of course, the old power flick [on screen: montage of photos of Bush at the graduation]. ... But of course, he did (screw) things up. So it all just seems asinine." --Jon Stewart

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Necktie

My husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that would match the color of his eyes. Does anyone know where I can buy a bloodshot tie?

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Undergraduate

One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.

Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."

The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"

To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."

After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"

The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."

The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."

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North vs. South

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

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Weird News

Goat wanders onto city bus

PORTLAND, Ore. (UPI) -- Portland, Ore., police said a pygmy goat wandered onto a Line 14 bus while the driver was inside with the vehicle's doors open.

The driver shut the doors of the bus and phoned police, The (Portland) Oregonian reported.

Police took custody of the animal, which was wearing a nylon collar.

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Cow blocks tunnel traffic

ORINDA, Calif. (UPI) -- Authorities said a cow that wandered into traffic on the east side of the Caldecott Tunnel in Contra Costa County, Calif., held up traffic for nearly an hour.

Benjamin DeLanty, a spokesman for the California Department of Transportation, said a tan cow was spotted Tuesday on the median of Highway 24 before stopping traffic by indecisively wandering to the entrance of the Caldecott Tunnel and back to the median, the San Francisco Chronicle reported.

California Highway Patrol Officer Robert Haven said traffic was cleared from the westbound lanes of the highway while three firefighters escorted the bovine to the Shakespeare Festival grounds in the city of Orinda.

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Graduating twins may set record

FORT WORTH, Texas (UPI) -- Officials at a Fort Worth, Texas, high school said a graduating class that includes 10 sets of twins and one set of triplets may be a world record.

The North Crowley High School senior class, which graduated Wednesday night, includes six sets of identical twins, four sets of fraternal twins and one set of triplets -- surpassing the record of eight sets of twins in a single graduating class that was included in the 2007 Guinness Book of World Records, the Fort Worth Star Telegram reported.

School administrators said they have submitted the information to Guinness and are waiting to hear back.

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Police identify suspect by pants stains

POMPANO BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Authorities said they arrested a Pompano Beach, Fla., bank robbery suspect after he failed to change his pants following a dye pack explosion in his pocket.

The Broward County Sheriff's Office said Algernon James, 39, was arrested at a Fort Lauderdale, Fla., gas station after a tipster informed deputies of his location, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported.

Broward Sheriff's Detective Tony Hierrezuelo said James had disguised himself with fake dreadlocks under a multicolored cap, but he was still wearing pants stained from a dye pack explosion the day before.

James allegedly robbed a Pompano Beach bank Tuesday and shoved the stolen cash in his pocket, along with a dye pack that had been inserted with the loot. Authorities said the dye pack malfunctioned and failed to explode after the suspect left the bank, but it detonated about an hour later when James entered a Fort Lauderdale pawn shop that used a security system similar to that employed by the bank.

"He never said why he didn't change his pants," Hierrezuelo said.

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A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning fire. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. 'Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,' he said. 'I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?'

'Oh those . .' Satan groaned.'They're all from Florida. They're still too wet to burn.'

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Military Tact

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up."

"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward."

"Not so fast, McGrath!"

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"Morning Tea"

Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church.

One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said,

"It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"

hUMOR For June 21st

Odd Animal Laws

- French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.

- Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.

- Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.

- In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.

- It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.

- Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.

- Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.

- In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.

- In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.

- You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.

- In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying."

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Observing the Baby

Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

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Heartburn

"Doctor, I seem to get heartburn whenever I eat birthday cake."

"Have you tried removing the candles first?"

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Grading The Essays

A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A."

A month later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?" The professor handed the student the exam book.

The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!"

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Who's on first ..... computer version

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

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Burst Pipe

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

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Health Club

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."

Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."

"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"

"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

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Strange Animal Laws

- In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

- It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.

- Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.

- In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.

- In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.

- In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.

- In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.

- In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.

- In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.

- In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.

hUMOR For June 20th

For Northerners Moving South

- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

- Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive

- Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

- Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

- If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

- Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

- In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

- If you do settle in the South and have children, don't think that they will be accepted as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

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Packers Fan

There was a Packers fan with a really lousy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."

The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

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Some People Should Not Be Allowed To Travel

The following are "actual" stories provided by travel agents:

• I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
• A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
• I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.
  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.
  Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa."
  Her response... ... click.
• A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
  I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
  He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
• I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
  I said, "No."
  He said "But they look so close on the map."
• Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
  When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas.
  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
• A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.
  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
• A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"
  I said, "No, why do you ask?"
  She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"
  After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
• I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"
  I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
• A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."
  I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.
  She said, "Yeah, whatever."
• A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
  "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
  I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
  When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
• A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."
  The agent was at a loss for words.
  Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
  "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
  After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
  The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
  The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
  "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

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Weird News

Alice Springs plans 'Hate Darwin' day

ALICE SPRINGS, Australia (UPI) -- Alice Springs, in Australia's Red Center, plans a "Hate Darwin Day" to protest the city on the so-called Top End of the Northern Territory.

On July 2, municipal employees in Alice will be encouraged to ignore all phone calls and e-mails from Darwin, the Northern Territory News reported.

"Darwin is but a pimple on the entire Northern Territory map, but that's where all the money goes," said Alice Springs Deputy Mayor Murray Stewart. "I don't blame the people of Darwin -- when you're basking in the sunshine, you can't help but ask for more. But we're bleeding dry down here.''

Stewart said he was moved to act when the government decided to build a new prison in Darwin. He said Alice Springs had already been denied adequate funding for security cameras and additional police officers.

Alice Springs, close to the geographical center of Australia, is the second largest city in the Northern Territory after Darwin, the territorial capital. With a population of about 26,500, it is the only settlement of any size in central Australia.

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Dallas airport offices turn smelly

DALLAS (UPI) -- The two-story administrative office building at Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport was emptied for a time Tuesday because of a bad odor, authorities said.

Employees returned to work later in the afternoon after emergency personnel used a large fan to air out the offices, The Dallas Morning News reported.

Authorities said the source of the "suspicious" smell was probably material put into the sewer system to alleviate a bad odor, the newspaper said.

The episode, which attracted fire trucks and other emergency vehicles, interrupted a noontime meeting of a committee of the airport's board of directors. Employees and visitors, who were kept outside until public safety officials gave the all-clear signal about 1:15 p.m., could still detect a slight smell when they returned, the News said.

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Alzheimer's dentist may lose license

SKANE, Sweden (UPI) -- The Swedish National Board of Health and Welfare is asking the country's medical authority to revoke the license of a dentist who has Alzheimer's.

The board wrote in its request to the Medical Responsibility Board that the dentist, who practices out of her home in Skane, often forgets patient information and forgets where she is while at work, Swedish news agency TT reported Tuesday.

The woman, who claims to have stopped treating patients, said the board's request will save her the time of requesting her own license be revoked.

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Man cuts bare bottom on window

UTRECHT, Netherlands (UPI) -- Police in Utrecht, Netherlands, say a prankster suffered deep wounds to his bare backside when he pressed it against a restaurant window and broke the glass.

Authorities said the 21-year-old man was treated for his injuries at a nearby hospital, The Sun reported Tuesday.

The man and two others who were with him at the time of the incident were detained by police but the owner of the restaurant agreed not to press charges if the men pay to replace the window.

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"Dog Calls"

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."

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Oneliner

"Why do they call it a drop cloth when the paint usually drops where the cloth ISN'T?"

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CleanPun - "Lightning Driving"

Two men were talking. One says to the other, "My wife drives like lightning."

His friend asked, "She drives fast?"

"No, she hits trees."

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Health Benefits Of Being Overweight”

A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

hUMOR For June 19th

”Court Sentence”

A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150."

After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you
would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

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"Drug Store Questions"

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers: "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."

Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."

Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

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CleanQuote

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me ... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."
- Walt Disney

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"Church Attendance"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

It used to be that it was required that in order for a college student to receive credit for a particular course, a card that listed his or her courses had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly.

Not so, with this physics professor. If he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course. On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card.

Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the professor. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar.
Okay," and signed the card.

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Women's Dictionary
What women say and what they mean

5 Minutes: This is really half and hour, but it's equivalent to the 5 minutes that a guy's football game will last before he takes out the garbage.

Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Barbecue: You brought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he 'made the dinner'.

Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, 'focus... breathe... push...'

Clothes Dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Drink: Something you buy at a late-night shop to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Exercise: To walk up and down a shopping mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Fine: Used to end an argument when she feels she's right. Men - never use 'fine' to describe how a woman looks.

Grocery List: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hairdresser: Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.

Lipstick: On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear.

Nothing: The feeling that a woman has to turn you inside out, upside down & backwards. Usually last for 5 minutes and ends with Fine.

Thanks: When a woman is thanking you, do not thank her - just say, 'You're welcome'.

Thanks A Lot: A woman says 'Thanks A Lot' when she's really ticked off at you. You have offended her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask her, 'What's Wrong' because she will only tell you 'Nothing'. Not to be confused with Thanks.

That's OK: One of the most dangerous statements she can make to a man. She wants to think long and hard before paying him back for whatever he's done. Often used with Fine and in conjunction with danger.

Valentine's Day: A day when you dream of a candlelit dinner, diamonds and romance, but are lucky if you get a card.

Waterproof Mascara: Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

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"In California, a high school student who's an illegal

immigrant is about to be deported, but since he's the

school's valedictorian, he's asking President Bush to

help. Bush told the valedictorian, 'Don't worry, I won't

let them send you back to Valedictoria.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"A bunch of people in Italy are turning Al Gore's 'An

Inconvenient Truth' into an opera. Here are some of the

songs: 'You Make Me Feel So Hot,' 'Come Fry With Me,' and

'Call Me Biodegradable.'" -David Letterman

***

"Obama's speech was mesmerizing last night — 20,000

screaming fans. I think I know his secret: He throws candy

to the audience." -Craig Ferguson

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My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping

would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice

while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see

how he was managing, and he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted

it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards,

scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had

a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager

than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making

the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer

before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do

all the rest."

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The husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples

alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the

first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards

down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just

hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be

fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said "that's ok sweetheart" and

spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. he

found it just in time, but in a horrible position. he

played the shot of his life to get the ball within two

feet of the hole.

He told his wife to knock the ball in. his wife then pro-

ceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of

his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. he took the

ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green,

put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that

was a bogey, and that's ok, but I think we can do better

on the next hole."

To which she replied, "Listen dear, don't yell at me,

only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!"

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Getting Old

You know you're old when you have owned an album for 3 or more
decades in 5 different formats.

In 1978 - 8-track tape.
In 1983 - Cassette tape.
In 1987 - Vinyl.
In 1994 - CD.
In 2005 - MP3.

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Always Look Busy

Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.

To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide.

If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

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In the Army Now

The U.S. has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: Attack or Retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:

YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:

YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded:

YES SIR.