hUMOR For June 4th

"Flu Notes"

(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)

Monday A.M.:
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.:
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.:
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.:
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9pm. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:

1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?

I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.:
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cow Sense

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination.

On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep' em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.

"Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Noah's Snakes"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply!"

He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."

"We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A couple of "preacher jokes" for you:

One Sunday morning, a preacher cut his face while shaving, and he placed a band-aid on the cut. After a longer-than-usual sermon, he explained, "In case you are wondering what happened to my face, while shaving I was concentrating on my sermon and I cut my face." Afterwards, a woman said to him, "Next time, concentrate on your face and CUT THE SERMON."

The minister selected a fifty-cent item at a convenience store, but discovered he didn't have any money with him. "I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the owner, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons." "Perhaps," suggested the owner, "I could attend twice."

That raises an interesting question -- how much are sermons worth? I can honestly say that some of mine have not been worth nearly as much as others. But if a sermon has effectively communicated the truth of God's Word in such a way that we are led to understand better and to make application in our lives, then it is worth a great deal.

"How then shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher? And how shall they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: 'How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, who bring glad tidings of good things!'" (Rom. 10:14-15)

Have you told your preacher lately what good-looking feet he has?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Transcribing Confusion

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes,
my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has
pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked
with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head and smiled.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Origin of Mankind”

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race come about?"

The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later she asks her mother the same question.

The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her father and says: "Dad, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Mom says we developed from monkeys?"

The Father answers, "That's simple, honey. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your mother told you about her side."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bumpers

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman
trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped the car in
front, then backed up and hit the car behind her. This went on about
two minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined.
She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"40 Year Difference"

When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.

"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone who's 104?'"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.'"
- Penelope Lombard

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "The Trip Home"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A pastor had been on a long flight between church conferences. The first warning of the approaching problems came when the sign on the airplane flashed on:
*Fasten Your Seat Belts.*

Then, after a while, a calm voice said, "We shall not be serving the beverages at this time as we are expecting a little turbulence. Please be sure your seat belt is fastened."

As the pastor looked around the aircraft, it became obvious that many of the passengers were becoming apprehensive.

Later, the voice on the intercom said, "We are so sorry that we are unable to serve the meal at this time. The turbulence is still ahead of us."

And then the storm broke . . .

The ominous cracks of thunder could be heard even above the roar of the engines. Lightning lit up the darkening skies, and within moments that great plane was like a cork tossed around on a celestial ocean. One moment the airplane was lifted on terrific currents of air; the next, it dropped as if it were about to crash.

The pastor confessed that he shared the discomfort and fear of those around him. He said, "As I looked around the plane, I could see that nearly all the passengers were upset and alarmed. Some were praying. The future seemed ominous and many were wondering if they would make it through the storm.

"Then, I suddenly saw a little girl. Apparently the storm meant nothing to her. She had tucked her feet beneath her as she sat on her seat; she was reading a book and every- thing within her small world was calm and orderly.

"Sometimes she closed her eyes, then she would read again; then she would straighten her legs, but worry and fear were not in her world.

When the plane was being buffeted by the terrible storm when it lurched this way and that, as it rose and fell with frightening severity, when all the adults were scared half to death, that marvelous child was completely composed and unafraid." The minister could hardly believe his eyes.

It was not surprising therefore, that when the plane finally reached its destination and all the passengers were hurrying to disembark, our pastor lingered to speak to the girl whom he had watched for such a long time.

Having commented about the storm and the behavior of the plane, he asked why she had not been afraid.

The child replied, "Cause my Daddy's the pilot, and he's taking me home."

Physical, mental, financial, domestic, and many other storms can easily and quickly darken our skies and throw our plane into apparently uncontrollable movement. We have all known such times, and let us be honest and confess, it is much easier to be at rest when our feet are on the ground than when we are being tossed about a darkened sky.

Let us remember: Our Father is the Pilot. He is in control and taking us home. Don't worry!

- Gerald M. Costello, Interim Director, The Christophers

hUMOR For June 3rd

The Amateur Photographer

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends,

and he took along a few pictures to show to them. The

hostess looked at the photos and commented, "These are very

good! You must have a good camera."

The photographer didn't make any comment, but as he was

leaving to go home, he said, "That was a really delicious

meal! You must have some very good pots."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Curbing Church Growth"

25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth

1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."

2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth class" for ladies 70 and above.

3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"

4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.

5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.

6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school.

7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).

8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about 5' 8 1/2")

9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.

10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!

11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.

12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.

13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.

14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.

15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.

16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.

17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.

18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult excursions.

19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.

20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.

21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply closet.

22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"

23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.

24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."

25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.

Written by Matt Tullos.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session."
- Mark Twain (1866)

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "Consideration"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, a woman arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C., airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked, "What is your reason for entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?"

He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England.

Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same business-like tone: "Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Hundreds of pizzas lined up for charity

FORT PIERCE, Fla. (UPI) -- A total of 722 pizzas were lined up longer than two football fields in Fort Pierce, Fla., to raise money for charity, the event's organizer says.

Organizer Scott Van Duzer said while he was thrilled to learn the pizzas had reached a world record length of 722 feet, 1 inch, the real winner was a St. Lucie County firefighter who lost his home to a recent wildfire, The Palm Beach (Fla.) Post reported Sunday.

"People need money when a crisis happens," Van Duzer said, "not weeks or months later."

Van Duzer said the pizza line easily surpassed the current Guinness world record of 611 feet, 2 inches, but had yet to be authenticated.

Allen Civita, the firefighter who benefited from Saturday's event, was thankful for the unspecified amount of money donated by his fellow area residents.

"I was just so overwhelmed," Civita told the Post. "All these years the community has helped Scott, and now he's giving back."

Meanwhile, Van Duzer told the newspaper the grand total of ingredients for the pizza line-up included 500 pounds of flour, 30 gallons of pizza sauce and 250 pounds of mozzarella cheese.

///

Mother, daughter earn master's degrees

CINCINNATI (UPI) -- An Ohio woman who received a master's degree from Cincinnati's Xavier University along with her mother says the degrees were hard work but worth it.

Heather Swensgard, 30, of Batavia said she and her mother, Gayle Heintzelman, worked very hard to earn their graduate degrees in education -- so hard they didn't notice a pile of dirty laundry in the background of a video they recorded for the program, The Cincinnati Enquirer reported Sunday.

"It happened at about midnight, and it was one of those moments we just had to apologize for the laundry," the master's graduate said.

Swensgard said graduating Saturday alongside her 60-year-old mother was also the completion of another goal: graduating before her own children started school.

The Enquirer said Swensgard has two children, ages 3 and 5, but wanted to earn her master's to help in her job as a human resources worker.

Heintzelman, who also is a Batavia resident, told the newspaper her new degree will come in useful at Mercy Hospital Clermont, where she supervises nearly 650 workers.

///

NYU trash becomes another's treasure

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Items collected for discard at the end of the semester at New York University have been donated to the homeless, participants in the cleanup said.

Green Apple Move Out coordinator Jennie Tichenor said items found in dorm rooms ranged from food to a box labeled "1,000 Sex Games," The New York Times said Sunday.

"Kind of from the sublime to the ridiculous," Tichenor said. "Forks and knives. A feather boa. You know, it's New York."

The project was initiated last May. Organizers say this year's event, which was funded by alumni and the school's Sustainability Task Force, is expected to gather at least 25,000 pounds of goods.

Project organizers say the recycling not only helps the homeless but also helps the environment by eliminating thousands of pounds of campus trash.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Last Request

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same

day, were led down to the room in which they would meet

their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the

formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final

prayer had been said among the participants. The warden,

turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have

a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance

music. Could you please play 'The Macarena' for me one last

time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man

and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final

request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Help

One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied,

"It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

First Worry

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Document Theory

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.

People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

hUMR For June 2nd

mshlrheWeird News

'Darth Vader' spared jail after attack

HOLYHEAD, Wales (UPI) -- A Welsh judge has spared a man who dressed as "Star Wars" villain Darth Vader and attacked two fans of the iconic film series a stay in jail.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, was sentenced to two months in jail, suspended for a year, after his lawyer told the court he is an alcoholic who does not remember the incident and is undergoing treatment for his addiction, Sky News reported.

Hughes donned a black cape and a black trash bag before attacking Barney Jones, founder of the first British Jedi church, and his cousin while they were filming themselves battling with lightsabers in Jones' yard. Hughes struck Jones with a metal crutch and punched the other man in the thigh.

The defendant's lawyer, Frances Jones, told the court his client had no recollection of the incident because of his alcohol addiction.

"He is very sorry for coming before the courts," the lawyer said. "He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it."

Hughes was also ordered to pay $200 to each of his victims.

///

Farmer: Vandals spray-painted goats

CLEARFIELD, Pa. (UPI) -- A Clearfield County, Pa., farmer said vandals snuck onto his property under cover of night and spray-painted obscenities on three of his goats.

Evan Bellin said the crime, which took place during the weekend, could set him back hundreds of dollars as the goats' wool is used to make cashmere and the paint could take months to grow out, WPXI-TV, Pittsburgh, reported.

"It's really bad to think they would do that to innocent animals. I mean if they have a problem with me, to come to me. I mean, I have all of my vehicles up here and they didn't touch anything," Bellin said.

He said he plans to keep the goats closer to his house for the foreseeable future.

///

Beetles found in package from Taiwan

MOHNTON, Pa. (UPI) -- Postal officials in Mohnton, Pa., said a Philadelphia-bound package was found to contain numerous beetles that could have proven harmful to the environment.

The officials said 26 insects -- including Hercules, Rhinoceros and Goliath beetles -- were found in smaller containers within the package, which was shipped from Taiwan, WPVI-TV, Philadelphia, reported.

The package had been labeled "toys, gifts and jellies."

"The specimens were some oft the largest of their kind, and some of the largest I've ever seen, averaging five to six inches in diameter," said John Plummer, an agriculture specialist with U.S. Customs and Border Protection. "They are highly destructive insect pests that can cause extensive damage to fruit and vegetable crops, trees, shrubs and turf grasses."

The intended recipient of the package told authorities he is a wildlife photographer and needed the specimens for staged photos. He denied any involvement in illegal beetle breeding.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

No Help

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Donations

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Men Can Never Win

- If you work too hard, you re not spending enough time with her. If you don't work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

- If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

- If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

- If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

- If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

- If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

- If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

- If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you re a slob.

- If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

- If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Gone Golfing

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"In Wisconsin, a driver took a wrong turn and crashed into

the bathroom at a Taco Bell. The Taco Bell's owner is

calling it the second worst bathroom accident that day."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"It's Pierce Brosnan's birthday. It's also Janet Jackson's

birthday. Both are very different. One is an aging diva

who's got the moves, and the other is Janet Jackson."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"NASA has developed a device that can turn an astronaut's

urine into drinking water. Is there something wrong with

that?" -Jimmy Kimmel

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit

a friend at work. Everyone there knew her, and she was

offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees

went to make more coffee, her son followed her and asked,

"What are you doing?"

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.

Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow!

You know how to make beer?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told

me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him.

The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing

like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish

because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach

a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a

parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish

CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's

driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lewiston, Idaho
One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a
ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit
into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver
shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts
the hammer down and sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.

The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly
replies 'Mexican eggs.' The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so
wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts
it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as
many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers.

'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.'

hUMOR For June 1st

Sales Demonstration

The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department
store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by
putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb
completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without
missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable'
comb for everyone to see and said,

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks
like on the inside..."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Microsoft's Answer

Vista is not the answer. Vista is the question. "No" is the answer.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Smoking on the Bus

I am on a bus. The driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars. Suddenly, a baby starts crying.

"Come on kid, you're only 6-months-old, you can make it without a cigarette."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Recent Quips from Late Night

"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? ... It was a lovely affair and God bless the kids. It's so nice so, sweet, romantic. But do you know there is a rice shortage? Are you aware of the fact you can't get rice in this country? So, when the wedding was over, they threw caramelized onions." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend in Texas, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, got married. Very nice, yeah. Afterwards, President Bush said, 'I haven't cried that much since Steve left 'Blues Clues.'' --Conan O'Brien

"Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it's over. And Hillary's people said it's not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill said, 'There's a fat lady? Where?'" --Jay Leno

"How about that presidential race? Hillary Clinton just won't quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just won't quit. I mean, right now she has absolutely no chance whatsoever of being president, but she just won't quit. And they're running out of money. Hillary Clinton, God bless her, is running out of money. And today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit." --David Letterman

"Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that's called 'W.' Yeah. He's also making a movie about John McCain called 'No Country for Old Men.'" --Conan O'Brien

"No, Hillary Clinton said she will not give up, she will go to the convention, and she will win. And then the bartender said, 'Ma'am, it's 3:00, we're closing.' In fact, you hear Hillary's new slogan? 'I'm just in it now to annoy the hell out of everybody.'" --Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way too young for me.'" --Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Recent Quips from Late Night

"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? ... It was a lovely affair and God bless the kids. It's so nice so, sweet, romantic. But do you know there is a rice shortage? Are you aware of the fact you can't get rice in this country? So, when the wedding was over, they threw caramelized onions." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend in Texas, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, got married. Very nice, yeah. Afterwards, President Bush said, 'I haven't cried that much since Steve left 'Blues Clues.'' --Conan O'Brien

"Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it's over. And Hillary's people said it's not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill said, 'There's a fat lady? Where?'" --Jay Leno

"How about that presidential race? Hillary Clinton just won't quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just won't quit. I mean, right now she has absolutely no chance whatsoever of being president, but she just won't quit. And they're running out of money. Hillary Clinton, God bless her, is running out of money. And today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit." --David Letterman

"Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that's called 'W.' Yeah. He's also making a movie about John McCain called 'No Country for Old Men.'" --Conan O'Brien

"No, Hillary Clinton said she will not give up, she will go to the convention, and she will win. And then the bartender said, 'Ma'am, it's 3:00, we're closing.' In fact, you hear Hillary's new slogan? 'I'm just in it now to annoy the hell out of everybody.'" --Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way too young for me.'" --Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Doctor's Visit

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Boneless Chicken Breasts

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry, ya ," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"In a recent speech, Barack Obama said he has visited all

57 states. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Ha-ha,

he forgot Alaska and Hawaii.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"I want to get this off my chest: For the past 20 years,

I have been using performance-enhancing vodka."

-David Letterman

***

"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past

eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford

university and living in their dorms, even though she was

not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight

months. Hey, that's nothing. I pretended to be a student

for four years!" -Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

[Following are some very funny spelling bloopers caught in

local newspapers, publications and various emails. See if

you can catch the goofs.]

1. "...an autopsy to determine if the elderly man lost

courteousness for medical reasons." (Trenton, N.J.)

2. "[An NBA coach] will take charge of a young team still in

the throws of a roster overhaul." (Vernon, Conn.)

3. "'It's pretty exciting,' according to his material grand-

mother." (Potsdam, N.Y.)

4. "The MCCC fight team won 21 out of 32 awards and brought

home nine metals." Including the gold? (Trenton, N.J.)

5. "McNabb...exasperated the injury attempting to chase down

Dallas Cowboys safety Roy Williams." (Trenton, N.J.)

6. "Boxer Pups AKC, 1M, 1F, Bread for Health and

Temperament." (e-mail)

7. "[Paris Hilton] was probably going through cocaine

withdrawls." Is she from the South? (Sunnyvale, Calif.)

8. "Our lunch menu [includes] a variety of hot entrees and

tempting deserts." Presumably also hot. (Upper Saint Clair,

Pa.)

9. "Vincent was a brawny Swiss ex-patriot." (San Jose,

Calif.)

10. "...those who acquaint shopping with charity."

(Simsbury, Conn.)

----

Corrections: 1. consciousness 2. throes 3. maternal 4. medals

5. exacerbated 6. bred 7. withdrawals 8. desserts 9. expatriate

10. equate

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records depart-

ment stopped by my hospital room to get information for his

birth certificate.

"Father's date of birth?" she asked.

When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday

is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"

"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that

you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned

two a couple of days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my

hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband

a tie for his birthday."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

First Kiss

At the end of their first date, Vernie takes his favorite girl
home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall
and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease?..."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows
up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister
says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or
if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out
loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

hUMOR For May 31st

Solving the Problem

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Acronyms and What They Mean

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing

SCSI System Can't See It

DOS Defunct Operating System

BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM I Blame Microsoft

DEC Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Scary Lion

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.

The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"

The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Paying the Bill

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Good News, Bad News

An old man visits his doctor and, after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news. What would you like to hear first?"

The patient answers, "Well, give me the bad news first."

"You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left," the doctor says.

"That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over!" the patient cried. "What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"

The doctor says, "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Tennis Ball Lesson"

A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall each morning, removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day. . . .

A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor never missed a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball. . . No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Man tracked down for 51-cent tax bill

BRIGHTON, Mich. (UPI) -- A Michigan doctor says he found it funny the city of Brighton sent him a "final notice and demand of payment" for 51 cents in property taxes.

Dr. Phil Kazanji said he chuckled at a notice from the city that said legal action would be taken against him if he didn't fork over 51 cents in delinquent taxes.

"This is the most ridiculous thing a government agency would do," Kazanji told the Livingston County (Mich.) Daily Press & Argus.

Kazanji added that the city actually lost money by spending $5.21 to mail the certified letter.

Brighton officials said they are required by law to fine delinquent tax payers, regardless of the amount they owe.

"No matter how small, we can't ignore it or waive it," city finance director Dave Gajda said. "It doesn't matter how much we spend to collect (delinquent taxes), we have to collect it."

///

Cussing N.Y. cabbie fined $1,000

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York cab driver says he was ordered to take 30 days off work and fined $1,000 for allegedly dropping the F-bomb when another cabbie cut him off.

Zbigniew Sobczak was found guilty of verbal harassment for allegedly cursing at fellow driver Malik Rizwan during a confrontation between the two on the road, the New York Post reported Wednesday.

"What the (expletive)? You have problem? Why you beeping?" Sobczak is accused of saying.

It is reported Rizwan responded with "You (expletive)! You go in your car."

Since neither cabbie was transporting a passenger at the time, they were at liberty to let the expletives fly, the Post said.

The Post said Rizwan notified authorities after he and Sobczak got into two additional squabbles that day.

///

Flashing lights pay off for transit agency

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Los Angeles' public transit system has started a new phase in advertising by installing LED lights in the subway that play short videos as trains rush past.

Some passengers were surprised and even offended when they saw 15-second commercials playing outside the windows of their subway train as they passed through a tunnel Tuesday, the Los Angeles Times reported.

"It's intrusive to me. If I want to see that, I'll turn on the TV or pick up a newspaper," actress Roberta Richey said.

City officials have said the ads are a good way for the transit agency to supplement a strapped budget and many passengers actually enjoy watching the LED lights whiz by to create the image of a moving video.

"We were, like, freaking out. We were saying 'What are they going to think of next?'" filmmaker Ray Mann said.

///

Hopeful buyers camp out for new homes

MESA, Ariz. (UPI) -- Some aspiring homeowners say they are camping out under a tent to keep their places in line for a shot at buying a home in northeast Mesa, Ariz.

About a dozen hopefuls plan on sticking it out until Saturday morning when a developer releases 75 Blandford Homes in the highly coveted desert location, the Arizona Sun reported Tuesday.

"This is a great way to meet your neighbors," said Rosemary Ruiz, who wants to live in Mountain Bridge because of its beautiful surroundings and ideal location.

The Sun said the homes are priced from $239,950 to $790,950 and are part of a 1,200-home major development plan.

"This is huge, but we knew from when we first opened the welcome center we had something that was bucking the trend," development spokeswoman Joannie Flatt said. "The latent demand for homes in Mountain Bridge is quite likely huge."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth

1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's

wrong with you people..."

2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth

class" for ladies 70 and above.

3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the

floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"

4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of

Daniel.

5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used

during the invitation time.

6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars

going the wrong way before Sunday school.

7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about

all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).

8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at

the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about

5' 8 1/2")

9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir

room year 'round.

10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is

met, everyone will kiss the pig!

11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give

every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.

12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.

13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from

the septic tank.

14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of

Larry, Moe, and Curly.

15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.

16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information

forms.

17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.

18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult

excursions.

19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the

pulpit each Sunday.

20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments

of the sermon.

21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply

closet.

22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader

scream, "Show me the money!"

23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.

24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with

scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."

25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.

Written by Matt Tullos.