hUMOR For May 3rd

Weird News

U.S. teen finds Argentine rodent

MILWAUKIE, Ore. (UPI) -- An Oregon high school student said he was a little confused when he stumbled across a "goofy" Argentine rodent on the way to class.

Nicco Phillips, 17, was on his way to meet his girlfriend before class at Milwaukie High School when he spotted the unusual Argentine animal, named a cavey, the (Portland) Oregonian reported Wednesday.

"At first I thought it was a baby deer. Then it sort of hopped away, like a rabbit. It looked so goofy," Phillips said of his unexpected Tuesday discovery.

Phillips and his girlfriend took the animal to Phillips' house after luring it into a cardboard box with an apple. The high school students said they let the cavey venture around the front yard on a leash.

"It's very cuddly with me. It's snuggles like a rabbit," Phillips said.

An owner has not been found, but Phillip's mother said her son would be glad to keep the curious cavey.

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Police: Ambulance thief caught after chase

LAFAYETTE, Colo. (UPI) -- Lafayette, Colo., police said they have arrested a suspect who led them on a high speed chase in an ambulance he allegedly stole from a hospital.

Police said Mickey Terry, 36, crashed the ambulance about 13 miles from the hospital, damaging another car and a traffic signal, and attempted to flee on foot before he was caught by officers near the wreckage, The Denver Post reported Wednesday.

"I have no idea what was going through his mind. There were reports of speeds of over 100 mph and him driving on the wrong side of the highway. There was some very reckless driving," said the Lafayette Police Department spokesman Sgt. Fred Palmer.

Terry has been charged with aggravated motor theft and other felony charges, police said.

/////

Judge: Feuding neighbors 'potty'

LONDON (UPI) -- A British judge allowed an appeal in a costly property suit between neighbors, but labeled the parties "potty" for continuing the dispute.

Lord Justice Ward of London's Appeal Court said Robert Beton had an "arguable" case that a Kingston County Court judge may have erred in siding with neighbor Colin Streets in Benton's suit, which claimed Streets had erected a fence that cut off two small triangles of his garden that totaled slightly less than one quarter of an acre, The Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

The county judge ruled the property belonged to Streets due to the legal principle of adverse possession because the fence had been up for several years before Beton issued a challenge.

However, Beton claimed he did not see the fence until 2005 because it had been blocked by rhododendron bushes that died that year.

Ward ruled to allow the appeal, but he chided the neighbors, both millionaires, for allowing the dispute -- which has cost the neighbors a total of $600,000 -- to continue.

"Just how much is this stupid piece of land worth? What you are arguing over is a few rhododendron bushes," he said. "If you live in St. Georges Hill, you've got money to throw away, presumably. But why throw it away like this? You're all potty."

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Nursing Home Jokes Taking Mother To Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."

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A Bit Pricey

At the end of a marathon shopping trip, I fumbled in my pocket for my credit card to pay for a lovely blouse.

"I'll have to resort to this—I'm out of cash," I told the distinguished gentleman who was waiting on me.

Noticing his surprised smile, I glanced down and realized that I had handed him the key card to my hotel room.

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"Epitath"

A doctor wrote about an epitaph he had seen in a local cemetery:

"In memory of my father: gone to join his appendix, his tonsils, his olfactory nerve, a kidney, an eardrum, and a leg prematurely removed by an intern who needed the experience."

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Oneliner

"What's the use of having ignorance if you can't show it?" - Lou Costello

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CleanPun - "Missionaries"

Missionaries do Emmanuel labor.

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”Lawn Burglars”

Brookpark, Ohio: Burglars recently broke in to an unoccupied house that was being renovated for sale. Among the items they stole were roofing shingles, a lawn mower, weed whackers, and lumber.

They broke into a storage area under the deck and also a shed in the back. Before leaving, though, they mowed the lawn of the residence.

Neighbors report seeing strange men walking around the home, but they never called the police because they figured the men were hired to do the lawn.

The owners are quoted as saying they will leave a pressure washer and painting equipment for the thieves next week as they did a better job than the lawn care company they had hired, and they were cheaper also.

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Absent-Minded Lawyers

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern
District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar
Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and
witnesses during trials.

The following true exchange says it all:

Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the
cause of death of the patient?"

Doctor: "That's correct."

Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?"

Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy."

Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?"

Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short
time later."

Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"

Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I
was not involved with the patient initially."

Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room."

Doctor: "That is what the records indicate."

Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced
him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?"

Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorrhaging in the chest area
and that was the cause of death."

Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to
examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?"

Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce
him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in
a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for
all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!"

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"Scientists believe that radiation from cell phones throws

off bees' navigation system. You know, just like it does to

drivers on the highway." -Jay Leno

***

"Edward Laurens, the father of the chaos theory, died today.

His services will be held someplace completely random."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"The president picked up the pope at the airport. How bored

is our president? He's not the president anymore. Now he's

like your college roommate, doing favors for pizza. Next

week I think he's helping Putin move." --Jon Stewart

hUMOR For May 2nd

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl

would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it

stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.

By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." --Gene Perret

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Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently

after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you

took of that fish. You're lucky if it weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well...a fish can lose an awful lot of weight

during three hours of fighting."

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My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen

about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest

historical event that happened during your childhood?"

"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.

She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many corners, including Nancy Reagan, who called him an American hero, President Bush who described him as an advocate for liberty, and apes, who called him Public Enemy Number One." --Seth Meyers

"A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list." --Amy Poehler

"More bad news for the Detroit Tigers, they lost again last night. ... After winning the night before, they're now one and eight. Yeah. They won one, lost eight. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place." --Jay Leno

"According to his tax return last year, Vice President Cheney donated $166,000 to charity. ... Yeah, most of the money went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, Coal for Tots." --Conan O'Brien

"You know they had hearings this week, about Iraq, ... with General Petraeus, and John McCain had another senior moment, where he couldn't remember who the Sunnis are, the Shiites. I'm beginning to worry about this guy. They asked him afterwards if this would affect his presidential campaign, and he said, 'I'm running for President?'" --Bill Maher

"Hey, did you see that a fire burned down Hillary Clinton's campaign office in Terre Haute, Indiana? You know, I knew Hillary's campaign was facing financial trouble. When you're burning the building down for the insurance money, that's not a good sign. Hillary was very upset by the fire. Luckily, she says she was glad she was able to run into the burning building, save six children, then go back and rescue three puppies. So that worked out." --Jay Leno

"All three presidential candidates this week went on American Idol. Did they really think the same people who are interested in a superficial, poorly-run popularity contest are also interested in American Idol?" --Bill Maher

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Sacrcasm at Work

Dear Staff

It has been brought to the CEO's attention that some individuals throughout the organisation have been using sarcastic language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "Try Saying" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don't have a blankety-blank clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She's a power-crazed witch

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the heck do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: Buzz off jerkface

5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well stand me on my head and call me a flower vase

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a darn.

7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my gosh-darned problem.

8. Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the heck?

9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No blankety-blank chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the heck didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He's got his head where the sun don't shine.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, jerk face.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs blankety-blank holidays anyway?

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The Engineer's Song

(Sung to the Tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
Unix that is ... hard drives ... workstations;

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,
Intel that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;

On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life

Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...

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More Common Tools Explained

To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of more common tools and their uses.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DARNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DARNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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Weird News

Students aim to set stuffed animal record

ANDOVER, Mass. (UPI) -- A Massachusetts elementary school is hoping to set a Guinness World Record after collecting at least 5,600 stuffed animals for charity, a newspaper reported.

Mounds of stuffed animals crowded the gymnasium of the Shawsheen School in Andover during a Monday assembly when students were informed of their accomplishment, The Boston Globe reported.

"The kids were honestly wild, they were just so excited," Principal Moira O'Brien said. "It was really nice, mostly to remember why they did it."

The school has held a stuffed animal charity collection the past 12 years, linking Phillips Academy and Andover High School tutors with Lawrence middle school students, the Globe reported.

Some of the plush animals will be awarded to Lawrence students and the remainder will go to kids in orphanages, medical centers and libraries in Belize.

The school reportedly has yet to hear if their Guinness World Record claim has been accepted.

hUMOR For May1st

Management Lesson

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Management lesson?

Always let your boss have the first say.

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Egomaniac

Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

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Retiring

Of course, some people never retire...

Old golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.

Old lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.

Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance.

And bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest.

But what about vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day!

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Dumb Truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

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Common Tools Explained

To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh rats!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

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Yet Another Management Lesson

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

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"Kids' Letters to the President"

Dear Mr. President:

How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist.
--Timoth U., age 7 Jamestown, NY

When will we have a woman president? I am ready.
--Brooke A, age 10 Peoria, IL

Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says your only friend is the vice-president.
--Richard D., age 8 Greenwich, CT

Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy----the Democrats and Republicans.
--A citizen, Lawrence K., age 8 Atlanta, GA

What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot.
--Kimberly W., age 8, Meriden, CT

Dear President Bush:
Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle.
--Elizabeth P., age 8 Seattle WA

What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble.
--Ralph N., Palm Beach, FL

What does the vice president do all day? I have asked a lot of grownups and nobody knows the answer.
--Shannon D., age 8 Bismarck, ND

I think you won the election because you were a better speaker even if a lot of people didn't know what you were talking about.
--Tracey O., age 10 Green Valley, AZ

My girlfriend Betsy and I would like to get married in the White House when we get married someday. We will be married in 20 years.
--Peter N., age 7 Bismarck, ND

Dear President Bush:
What size shoes do you wear? My grandfather died last month and he left a lot of shoes and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-president a pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes before we send them to you.
--Joey P., age 8 Erie, PA

On TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer is classified, I wouldn't be in trouble.
--Martin J., age 9 Philadelphia, PA

Dear Mr. President:
My girlfriend Alyssa is a Republican and I am a Democrat. Someday we may get married. Can a Democrat marry a Republican and be happy? I am 12 and my girlfriend is 11. We would like your answer befpre we are 18.
--Ryan C., age 12 Philadelphia, PA

Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to share closets.
--Michael P., age 8 San Diego, CA

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Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it,

just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an

hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

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"According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans

said they'd rather have Bill Clinton as their father than

President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away

with a lot more, don't you think? 'Look, I won't mention

you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home

late.'" --Jay Leno

***

"Last week President Bush created the world's largest pro-

tected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands

National Monument. It contains sea life that has inspired

some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart

hUMOR For April 30th

Swedes

OUR FAVORITE MINNESOTANS, OLE AND LENA, ARE AT IT AGAIN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. The Operator said 'Where are you?'
Ole answered, 'We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street .' The operator asked, 'How do you spell that?' The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, 'I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, 'Last year we shot six and the pilot
let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.' Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, 'Any idea where we are?' 'Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, 'How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?' 'Yust a minute,' said the busy clerk. 'Vell,' said Lena , 'if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, 'I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.' 'Vell, dat's fine, Judge,' smiled Ole. 'And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, 'Do ya know da difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?' 'No, I don't,' answered Ole. 'A canoe will sometimes tip,' explained Lars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, 'Vell, Deere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Lars: 'Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working.' Ole: 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to.' So Ole drove to Duluth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, 'You yust put 'Ole died.''
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, 'That's it? Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.' So Lena pondered for a few minutes and
finally said, ' OK. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. 'Have you eaten your banana yet?' Ole asked excitedly. 'No,' replied Lars. 'Vell, don't touch it den,' Ole exclaimed, 'I yust took vun bite and vent blind!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it 'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars. 'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet she can't sing.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, 'Are you a pole vaulter?' Ole replied, 'No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

And dat's enough!

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"Deacon's Minutes"

The newly elected secretary for the Deacon Board at church submitted this report:

October the something Deacon's meeting

Present was most of the deacons; one was absent.

Chairman Tad asked Luke to say something, and he did.

New officers were needed; some of us were arm twisted into taking the positions.

Some old business was remembered, and most of it had been approved. What wasn't was not important.

We tried to think of some new business, but it was decided that we're too old to be new.

Some of the deacons were getting tired so we decided to get out of the meeting.

(Secretary's note: I said I would type the meeting minutes; not that they would be worth a hoot!!)

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"Tail Whacker"

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat.

She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.

He replied calmly, "Get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart."

She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked.

"Well," he replied, "they're the world's largest retailer."

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High Blood Pressure”

Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service Arctic exercise, I was assigned to the air reconnaissance section.

Although I had recently been promoted, I was feeling rusty, and wanted to get started learning my duties so as not to appear too "green."

I confided to the Air Force lieutenant colonel who greeted me that I was anxious to meet the Air Boss right away.

"Don't worry, son," he said reassuringly, "the Air Boss is a real professional, knows his stuff cold and works well with his people. Great guy."

"Terrific!" I replied. "What's his name?"

Looking through the roster, the welcoming officer replied, "O'Hara."

"Oh, no," I groaned. "That's me."

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Mortgage Salesman

The phone rang and the lady picked it up... It
was a salesman from a Mortgage refinance company.
"Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

"No," she replied.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"

"I really don't have any," she said.

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” he tried.

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," she parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked,
"Are you looking for a Husband?"

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Rules For Managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic . 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hades.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

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Birthday Hint

It will be my wife's birthday tomorrow. When I asked her what she wanted, she hinted that something with diamonds would be nice. So I've bought her a packet of playing cards!

hUMOR For April29th

A Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him
Like his mother used to do.

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"They've just released a study that says in the next 30

years, there is a 97 percent chance that Southern California

will have an earthquake of magnitude 6.7 or greater. And

there's a 40 percent chance of either being run over or

attacked by Britney Spears. Things are pretty bleak."

-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-

tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can."

-Dave Letterman

***

"The legendary Ferris Wheel from Santa Monica Pier has just

been put on e-Bay. On sale to the highest bidder. If you're

not from the L.A. area, the Santa Monica Ferris Wheel is an

L.A. institution. Like the Hollywood sign, the Chinese

Theater, or rehab." -Craig Ferguson

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out-

side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf

ball driven down his throat was being treated.

"Is he a relative of your's?" the nurse asked the pacing

golfer.

"No...It's my ball."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the

neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear

and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their

sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.

"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ole Mac

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

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Management Quotes

A magazine recently ran a "management quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dysfunctional managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)

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Won the Part

A fourth-grader was excited that he had tried out and gotten a role in his school's play. His father was really proud of him and asked, "So, what part did you get?"

The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years."

His father congratulated him said “That’s good son. Maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Black Spots

"Doctor, doctor, I see black spots!" Billy exclaimed.

The doctor puts some drops in Billy’s eyes. "How about now?" he asked.

"Now I see the spots better," he replied.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Business Principles

There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds."

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."

Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?"

No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"In this crazy world we live in, every 60 seconds a minute happens."

hUMOR For April 28th

Weird News

Neighbor shoots rooster

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in St. Petersburg, Fla., said a man shot a neighbor's rooster after he'd had his fill of the bird's crowing.

Some neighbors who heard several shots coming from outside their homes Saturday said they looked out their windows to see Eric Nicastro, 30, standing with a handgun over the body of the dead rooster, The St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported.

"I got him!" Nicastro allegedly said after shooting the bird.

The rooster belonged to a flock of chickens that roosted at neighbor James Dominic's house and were cared for by Britani Farley, 16.

"I broke down in tears," Farley said. "They're my pets."

Jim Bordner, a spokesman for the Pinellas County Sheriff's Office, said Nicastro threw the rooster's carcass into a nearby creek. Bordner said the state's attorney will decide on formal charges.

/////

Man accuses new wife of assault

CINCINNATI (UPI) -- A husband of five days appeared in a Cincinnati court and told the judge he fears for his life after his blushing bride allegedly beat him up.

Timothy Schaffer Jr. told the court after Crystal Whitaker, 25, was arrested Saturday that he fears his wife "very much," The Cincinnati Enquirer reported.

Whitaker is accused of striking Schaffer and threatening to kill him. She has been charged with domestic violence.

Schaffer said he has also been threatened by his wife's friends. He said Whitaker had applied for a passport and was planning a trip to Mexico.

Whitaker was jailed in lieu of $5,000 bond and ordered to steer clear of Schaffer.

/////

Graffiti artist pulls off CCTV stunt

LONDON (UPI) -- A London graffiti artist known only as Banksy managed to avoid detection as he created a large painting while being watched by CCTV, police said.

The painting -- created on a piece of scaffolding Banksy apparently erected behind a security fence above a central London post office -- depicted a security officer watching a young boy, with the caption, "One nation under CCTV," The Daily Mail reported.

"It was only on Sunday morning that the Post Offices guys realized what had happened," said a local businessman, Andrew Newman, 35.

The newspaper said the painted scaffolding was removed Sunday morning.

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Heart Attack Special

One of the posh hotels in Las Vegas employs my sister-in-law as a room-service attendant.

During a medical convention at the hotel, she was preparing a breakfast order that consisted of fried eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns and a cheese danish.

"Now that's a heart attack waiting to happen," commented a passing co-worker.

"Yeah," my sister-in-law replied. "And believe it or not, it's just what the doctor ordered!"

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"Air Boss"

Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service Arctic exercise, I was assigned to the air reconnaissance section.

Although I had recently been promoted, I was feeling rusty, and wanted to get started learning my duties so as not to appear too "green."

I confided to the Air Force lieutenant colonel who greeted me that I was anxious to meet the Air Boss right away.

"Don't worry, son," he said reassuringly, "the Air Boss is a real professional, knows his stuff cold and works well with his people. Great guy."

"Terrific!" I replied. "What's his name?"

Looking through the roster, the welcoming officer replied, "O'Hara."

"Oh, no," I groaned. "That's me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"Through the years I've noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cold feet."

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Illustration - "Marriage Teachings"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Lost Wallet

While shopping in a supermarket I heard the following over the PA system:

"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains
no ID. Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the
customer service counter?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Teen inflates 213 balloons with his nose

BLAINE, Wash. (UPI) -- A 13-year-old Blaine, Wash., boy said he believes he has set a world record by inflating 213 balloons with his nose in the space of an hour.

Andrew Dahl, who credited playing the trumpet with giving him his lung strength, said Guinness World Records refused to certify his videotaped previous attempt at the feat, 184 balloons in an hour, because he did not tie the balloons himself, The Bellingham (Wash.) Herald reported Tuesday.

However, Dahl said this time he did all of his own tying, and the attempt was captured by multiple video cameras and witnessed by numerous friends and family. The teenager said he expects to hear back from Guinness within a few weeks regarding whether his latest attempt qualifies for the Book of World Records.

Dahl's father, Doug, said he measured each balloon after it was inflated to ensure it met the minimum diameter, 20 centimeters (about 7.9 inches) and the boy's mother, Wendy, kept a running tally of Andrew's nose-inflated balloons during the event.

The teen said he has been inflating balloons with his nose since he was 7-years-old.

"When we had barbecues or get-togethers I'd do it just to show that I could," he said.

/////

Company impressed with proposal hack

SEATTLE (UPI) -- Officials with a Seattle video game company said they were delighted rather than irked to hear of a man who reprogrammed their game for a wedding proposal.

Bernie Peng, of Jersey City, N.J., said he spent one month reprogramming his girlfriend's favorite game, "Bejeweled," to display a wedding ring and a marriage proposal when she achieved a high enough score, the (Newark) New Jersey Star-Ledger reported Tuesday. His girlfriend, Tammy Li, reached the high score and subsequently accepted the proposal.

Officials with PopCap, the company that created the game, said they usually take issue with their games being reprogrammed, but they were so impressed by Peng's story that they offered to pay for part of his wedding and offered to supply free copies of "Bejeweled 2 Deluxe" to guests at the August wedding.

"Most video game companies would frown on people manipulating their games," said PopCap spokesman Garth Chouteau.

"But it won him a woman," Chouteau said. "As a bunch of geeks we have to say, 'Bernie, hats off to you.'"

/////

Police billed after sign hit during chase

FLINT, Mich. (UPI) -- Police in Flint, Mich., said two officers were billed a total $170.62 by the county for damaging a sign during a car chase.

The Genesee County Road Commission billed Officers Joseph Hall and Clarence Banks $56.87 each after a guardrail and "signal ahead" sign were run over by the officers while pursing a stolen vehicle last November, WNEM-TV in Flint reported Tuesday.

Keith Speer, president of the Flint Police Officers Association, said the billing was unprecedented during his 22 years with the organization.

"I don't know who's going to pay for it, but our officers are not going to pay for it," Speer said. "It's ridiculous."

The suspect who allegedly drove the stolen car has also been billed $56.87 for the damaged property.

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A Child's Prayer

A Sunday school teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do

you all say your prayers at night?"

A little boy answered, "My mommy says my prayers."

"I see," said the teacher. "And what does your mother say?"

The little boy replied, "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"