hUMOR For April 21st

How To Appease The I.T. Dept.

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

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True Stories

Woman smuggled snake out of store in pants

LANSING, Mich. (UPI) -- A clerk at Preuss Animal House in Lansing, Mich., said a woman stole a boa constrictor by hiding the snake inside her pants but quickly returned the reptile.

The clerk said the woman grabbed the boa while his back was turned and shoved it down her pants before quickly exiting the store, WDIV-TV, Lansing, Mich., reported Monday.

A surveillance camera recorded the woman reaching into the snake tank and walking away.

Rick Preuss, the store's owner, said employees were concerned about the health of the baby snake before the woman brought it back to the shop.

"She brought it back right away and ran out the door before I could even get hold of any law enforcement," Preuss said.

He said the store is not seeking to press any charges.

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Police: Murderer bragged about escape

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. (UPI) -- Police in Bakersfield, Calif., say a convicted murderer who escaped from prison was caught after publicly bragging about being on "America's Most Wanted."

Malcolm Kysor, 53, who escaped from the State Correctional Institution Albion in Pennsylvania by hiding among food scraps in an oversized trash can Nov. 25, was heard by a passerby Saturday while talking to people in downtown Bakersfield's Saunders Park, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported Monday.

The passerby heard Kysor say he was a wanted fugitive from Pennsylvania and mentioned he was featured on a segment of Fox's "America's Most Wanted." The unidentified person relayed the information to on-call firefighters at a nearby fire house and officials there phoned police.

Officers said they questioned a man fitting the description given by the passerby and he gave them a name that was known to be an alias used by Kysor. He was arrested without incident.

Kysor, who prior to his escape was serving a life sentence for beating a man to death with a golf club in 1981, has been charged with escape and unlawful flight to avoid prosecution. He was being held at California's Kern County Jail.

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Boehner given sunglasses by Libyan leader

TRIPOLI, Libya (UPI) -- U.S. House Minority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio, says Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi gave him a pair of sunglasses when they met in the Libyan desert.

Boehner said he and his traveling companions journeyed a long way out of Tripoli to find the spot they were to meet Gadhafi, the Dayton (Ohio) Daily News reported Monday.

"We just head south and south and south and south," the lawmaker said. "Past the sheep with the Bedouin herder, past the goats, past the herd of camels and through a couple of security checkpoints and here's a great big white tent out in the distance."

He said the group had a "frank" conversation with Gadhafi, during which the sunglasses-clad Libyan leader pulled an extra pair of shades out of his pocket and offered them to Boehner.

"He comes over to me and says, 'Desert not kind to blue eyes,'" Boehner said. "So I put the sunglasses on."

Boehner said Gadhafi insisted he keep the sunglasses after the meeting.

"I have this pair of glasses from Colonel Gadhafi," Boehner said. "They're nice glasses, but they don't fit."

The minority leader said the shades are "acceptable" under the congressional gift rule.

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"First I Got"
Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations."

Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!"

Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull trough that spelling test."

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CleanQuote

"Don't be afraid to touch bottom. It's solid."

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Walmart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get
to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and
a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older
Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have
to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your
being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's
odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed
Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

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"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away...

if your car could go straight upwards." --Sir Fred Hoyle

***

"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of

life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', but did any-

one ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'?!" --Socrates

***

"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your

life." --George Carlin

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A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those

security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were

wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about

somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the

button and have a security officer come investigate im-

mediately.

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Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were

standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and

diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit

smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time.

Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this

without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for

compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing

instead of these things?"

After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister

is pregnant now."

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1 in 360

During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was

on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through,

we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed

us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has

to be right."

hUMOR For April 20th

"According to a new poll, 81 percent of Americans think the

country is on the wrong track. The other 19 percent own gas

stations." -Conan O'Brien

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Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in

rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when

a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the

trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers

explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.

They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming

toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she

said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench

crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"

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My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office to get

our marriage license. After recording the vital information;

names, dates of birth, etc. the clerk handed me our license

and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."

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Multitude of Illnesses

Our neighbor used the word hypochondriac to describe the phase her teen-age daughter was going though.

One day the girl was convinced that the pain on her left side was appendicitis.

Her mother explained that the appendix is on the right.

"So that's why it hurts to much," her daughter said. "My appendix is on the wrong side."

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"Transcribing Confusion"

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with Doctor Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

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Oneliner

"Since the creation of the Internet, the Earth's rotation has been fueled, primarily, by the collective spinning of English teachers in their graves."

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CleanPun - "Giuseppe Spomdalucc"

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

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”Birthing Spa”

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music and candlelight. "What do you think?" she said

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

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Long Marriage

I met a man who had been married for 66 years.

"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy
marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big
decisions and the woman just makes the little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

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"Adam Carolla was voted off 'Dancing with the Stars' last

night. How do you vote off a guy who makes an entrance on

a unicycle?" -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Great news for New York City and mankind generally: Mayor

Bloomberg is planting a million trees in New York City.

It's all part of the city's plan to revitalize the city's

logging industry." -Dave Letterman

***

"A new article in 'Newsweek' is out talking about what it's

like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend who's an

atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are

a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don't

know why." -Jay Leno

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We are fortunate our grand-children live close by and visit

us often.

When our seven-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, comes over,

she loves to watch her grandmother when she is baking.

"Oma," she asked one day, "where did you learn how to cook?"

She told her that she learned from her mother and passed on

this knowledge to her daughter. Someday, she continued, her

mother will pass on this knowledge to her.

There was a short silence, "No, I don't think so," Morgan

said. "Mom puts everything in the microwave."

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A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on

the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said,

"Excuse me ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you

tell me where he is?"

She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and

look for the pole with a worm on both ends."

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At the Border

Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, a woman

arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the

Vancouver, B.C., airport. This meant a stop at the border

crossing between the United States and Canada, where her

husband was asked, "What is your reason for entering the

country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?"

He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport

after her trip to England.

Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions

in the same business-like tone: "Is the house clean?" and

"Are there fresh flowers on the table?"

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From the Heart

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or politely I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset. She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to buzz off.

Sincerely,
Edna Johnston

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Most Worthless New Inventions

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat

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Unspeakable

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

hUMOR For April 19th

Bumpers

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this

woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped

the car in front, then backed up and hit the car behind her.

This went on about two minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was

declined. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to

use them once in a while?"

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TRUE STORIES

Trash-eating moose on the rise in Alaska

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (UPI) -- Alaskans could soon be hit with bigger fines for not doing their part to keep moose out of their trash if state natural resources officials have their way.

Moose in the Anchorage area, in particular, appear to have gotten into the habit of foraging through people's trash for food in recent years, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game said.

"Moose aren't naturally inclined to eat out of garbage cans, but if they're around people enough, they'll learn to get into them," biologist Rick Sinnott told the Anchorage Daily News.

Experts have cited concerns about moose ingesting plastic bags and other garbage as they graze city trash cans.

Fish and Game and the Department of Public Safety called on the Alaska Supreme Court to raise the $100 fine for feeding moose, bears and other animals to $300, enforcement specialist Al Cain said. The higher fine could be put in place this month.

Trash-eating moose on the rise in Alaska

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (UPI) -- Alaskans could soon be hit with bigger fines for not doing their part to keep moose out of their trash if state natural resources officials have their way.

Moose in the Anchorage area, in particular, appear to have gotten into the habit of foraging through people's trash for food in recent years, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game said.

"Moose aren't naturally inclined to eat out of garbage cans, but if they're around people enough, they'll learn to get into them," biologist Rick Sinnott told the Anchorage Daily News.

Experts have cited concerns about moose ingesting plastic bags and other garbage as they graze city trash cans.

Fish and Game and the Department of Public Safety called on the Alaska Supreme Court to raise the $100 fine for feeding moose, bears and other animals to $300, enforcement specialist Al Cain said. The higher fine could be put in place this month.

Trash-eating moose on the rise in Alaska

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (UPI) -- Alaskans could soon be hit with bigger fines for not doing their part to keep moose out of their trash if state natural resources officials have their way.

Moose in the Anchorage area, in particular, appear to have gotten into the habit of foraging through people's trash for food in recent years, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game said.

"Moose aren't naturally inclined to eat out of garbage cans, but if they're around people enough, they'll learn to get into them," biologist Rick Sinnott told the Anchorage Daily News.

Experts have cited concerns about moose ingesting plastic bags and other garbage as they graze city trash cans.

Fish and Game and the Department of Public Safety called on the Alaska Supreme Court to raise the $100 fine for feeding moose, bears and other animals to $300, enforcement specialist Al Cain said. The higher fine could be put in place this month.

Engineers win $1000 for 156-step burger

WEST LAFAYETTE, Ind. (UPI) -- A team of engineers from Indiana's Purdue University have been awarded $1,000 for their creation of an elaborate 156-step hamburger-making machine.

Purdue won Saturday's annual Rube Goldberg Machine Contest, a competition in which engineering students from across the country create devices to perform basic jobs with the most possible number of steps, the Lafayette (Ind.) Journal and Courier reported.

"With all the hard work we've put into this machine, it's just fantastic," said Drew Wischer, Purdue Society of Professional Engineers team captain.

More than 1,500 people attended the competition at Purdue University to watch machines from seven U.S. universities creatively assemble hamburgers with at least one meat patty, two vegetables and two condiments in a pair of buns.

The winning machine featured King Kong scaling New York's Empire State Building, London's Big Ben clock and the Eiffel Tower in Paris among numerous other well-known structures.

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Happy Old Man

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six!” he said.

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Top 35 Oxymorons

35. State worker

34. Legally drunk

33. Exact estimate

32. Act naturally

31. Found missing

30. Resident alien

29. Genuine imitation

28. Airline Food

27. Good grief

26. Government organization

25. Sanitary landfill

24. Alone together

23. Small crowd

22. Business ethics

21. Soft rock

20. Butt Head

19. Military Intelligence

18. Sweet sorrow

17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)

16. "Now, then ..."

15. Passive aggression

14. Clearly misunderstood

13. Peace force

12. Extinct Life

11. Plastic glasses

10. Terribly pleased

9. Computer security

8. Political science

7. Tight slacks

6. Definite maybe

5. Pretty ugly

4. Rap music

3. Working vacation

2. Religious tolerance

1. Microsoft Works

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Spel Chek

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

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"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be

the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the

bottom." -Jay Leno

***

"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming

out. It's called 'Intimately Beckham.' Apparently, it's a

delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete's foot."

-Craig Ferguson

hUMOR For April 18th

I Hope I'm Sick

A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said

to himself every so often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"

After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist

couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, "Why in the world

would you want to be sick, Mr. Adams?"

The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Boy, there is nothing but disasters in the news. It's unbelievable. Floods in the Midwest, fires in Texas, the Democratic Party -- it's just unbelievable. To give you an idea how bad the Democrats are doing, in a stunning reversal, John McCain now 10% ahead of Hillary Clinton and 7% ahead of Barack Obama. And this is after Iraq, a recession, and no health care. Imagine how far ahead he'd be if the Republicans had actually done something." --Jay Leno

"A new CNN poll just came out about the campaign. Interesting results. ... A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. Yeah, after hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, 'How much wine have they had?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Spring is finally here! Spring, when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love, and Eliot Spitzer turns to the Yellow Pages." --Bill Maher

"President Bush's approval rating has reached a record low -- 31%. Wow. His popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends." --Jay Leno

"In New Jersey today, there were dangerous winds, with gusts up to 50 miles an hour. The winds were so strong that they blew former Governor McGreevey off his chauffeur." --Conan O'Brien

"New York's new governor, David Paterson, he made history this week. He's black, he's blind and he's hornier than the last guy. ... He hadn't taken his hand off the Bible when they swore him in before he admitted to having multiple affairs. See, this is what women don't get about the male sex drive. He was blind and he still wanted to see other people." --Bill Maher

"Anyway, critics are pouring over Osama bin Laden's latest audio tape. Simon called it pretentious. Paula said it was not his best work. And Randy said, 'Dog, it's just not working for me.'" --Jay Leno

"A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they'll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy." --Conan O'Brien

"The good news is ... on YouTube, the Obama speech now is getting watched more than the clips of the pastor. ... The bad news is that it's still far behind the footage of Spitzer's hooker on 'Girls Gone Wild.'" --Bill Maher

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Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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A Greater Insult

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are horse's rear ends!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”

The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

“No, I’m a horse's rear end.”

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This Year's Award Winners

Britney Spears & Eminem - Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.

Dr. Phil McGraw - Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

America's Oil Companies - For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don't mix.

Bill Gates - For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

The Editors of Maxim - For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

Jared - Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

That 300 Pound Guy - Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

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"Tragic news today — Herb Peterson passed away. He was the

creator of the Egg McMuffin. He was 89. He said the secret

to a long life was to never eat Egg McMuffins." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"The U.N has announced they have concrete evidence of global

warming. And right now they are working hard, around the

clock to do nothing about it." -Dave Letterman

***

"Scientists have said they may have figured out a way to

travel through time. For years now I've known of a potion

that can let you travel through time..it's called tequila."

-Craig Ferguson

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A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful

examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to

choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.

He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down

his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his

throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a pan of warm water. "Ok, after

the tablet dissolves, you can sit here and soak that foot for

at least 20 minutes."

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Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to

my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said

that men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said, inconsolable. "Men are good for only

one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to

parallel park?"

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Stolen Credit Card?

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I hadn't signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

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"1-800-45TEACH"

A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's calling and could she send her some information.

The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling. The student told her and there was a long pause.

Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."

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Oneliner

"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone will clean them?"

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"Flat Cat"

Mr. Frobisher walked anxiously to the house and knocked.

When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. “I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace it.”

The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how are you at catching mice?”

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”GI Rally”

It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "The cook's working for the Germans!"

hUMOR For April 17th

Snake's New Glasses

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

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Farm Humor

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns his cow to pasture.

Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
Because it was always running out of the pen.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.

Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
He has got no beef.

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Revenge by Gunshot

A distraught young woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. In a fit of anger she drives to a local pawn shop and buys a gun.

She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly, slams opens the door, and sure enough he’s naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead.

This angers her. Furious, she can no longer control her emotions. She opens her purse and pulls out the .38 handgun she bought earlier. As she takes aim, grief overcomes here and she points the gun at her own head.

“No, honey, don’t do it!” yells the boyfriend.

“Shut up,” she says. “You’re next.”

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I’ts The Thought That Counts

A very stingy man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.

In due time, the man received an acknowledgement from his friend. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

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"Approval Letter"

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Dewey mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from the manufacturer.

"Well, What do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Olga.

"I think that next time," Dewey replied. "I'm writing to Toyota".

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Oneliner

"Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?"

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CleanPun - "Glazier"

My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.

"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.

The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."

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”Tips for Healthy Living”

Tips for Healthy Living

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually, speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is 1 to 1. If you have 2 bodies, your ratio is 2 to 1, etc.

Q: What are advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

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New Offices

My husband works in a former supermarket that has been remodeled to
accommodate professional offices.

One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over the
phone. "Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well,
you'll find us in the meat department."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"President Bush is in Europe right now. Today he is meeting

with Romanian Prime Minister Popescu Tariceanu. Or, as Bush

calls him, Pop Tart." -Conan O'Brien

***

"Today is the 78th birthday of the Twinkie. It says right on

its rapper: 'Best by 2012.'" -David Letterman

***

"John McCain has not been using Secret Service protection.

You see, he has Life Alert." -Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and

marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding

what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister

asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."

And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to

be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan,

I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form

was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the

emergency room within the next three months?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Another Bad Day

A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Darn buddy, are you having a bad day?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"

The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Darn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."

The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Darn buddy, are you having another bad day?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"

The bartender says, "Darn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."

The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"

The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Darn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"

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Nuns on a Freeway

A police man is driving down the road when all of the sudden the freeway starts to get backed up. Not long after, he finds himself stuck in traffic going about 20 miles an hour. So he drives up around the traffic to see what the problem was.

When he gets to the front, he sees 3 nuns driving in a car at about 20 miles an hour. So he pulls them over and lets the traffic get by. He then asks them "Do you know the speed limit."

They answer, "Yes" and they point towards the 22 freeway sign and say "We were going 22 miles per hour.

The policeman shakes his head and says, "No, that's the freeway sign... the speed limit sign is over there." And with that he points to the correct MPH sign.

"Ohhh..." said all of the nuns until the nun in the back starts cracking up.

"What's wrong" asks the police man...

The nun replies, "Well, you should have seen us yesterday on the 135!"

hUMOR For April 16th

Give and Take

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

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The Rude Customer

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Buzz Off!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Selling Bibles

While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"

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"Leaky Pipe"

A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.

"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.

"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Frobisher?"

The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the lady.

"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!"

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"Barack Obama said today that he would consider Al Gore to

be in his Cabinet. Al Gore said he would do it as long as

it was full of Twinkies." -Craig Ferguson

***

"Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three

groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and

value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will

replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth."

--Conan O'Brien

***

"The music industry is stumped by the huge drop in sales of

rap music. Sales of rap music down 21 percent this past year.

A lot of rappers have had to cut back on their lifestyle. A

lot of rappers getting rid of the gold teeth. They're going

with aluminum siding...it's cheaper." -Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My little niece, Kelly, went with a neighbor girl to church

for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children

cup their hands, and when he gives them the "Host," in this

case, a piece of bread, he says, "God be with you."

Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She

came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend

down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed

it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic

voice, "God will get you."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-

boyfriend."

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out

with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

"Wow! Is that true?"

"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."

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Young Patients

A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his

young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge

of body parts.

One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor

asked him, "Is this your nose?"

Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said,

"Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Recent Quips from Late Night

"It looks like Mitt Romney really wants to be picked as vice president. Did you see the picture in the paper today of Romney talking to John McCain? Show this picture [on screen: picture of McCain and Romney]. Doesn't it look the head of Leisure World explaining the benefits of assisted living to the newest resident? 'Plus, we have Meals on Wheels.'" -- Jay Leno

"I don't know that Clinton and Obama will ever be friendly enough now to be running mates, but John McCain is rumored to be close to asking his former rival, Mitt Romney, to be his running mate. You might remember that when they were running against each other, McCain accused Romney of having two positions on every issue. I guess now he figures there will at least be one position he likes, so what the (heck). John McCain and Mitt Romney, to me, look like two guys who model overcoats in 'Sears' catalogues" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know if you've heard this, but in Iraq, the Shiite has hit the fan. ... This war going on between a powerful Shiite militia and the Iraqi army, which is a powerful Shiite militia. It's so violent that Baghdad and five other cities now are in complete lockdown. No one can go on the streets. So, if you're a Republican looking for a photo-op to show how peaceful it is, now is a good time." --Bill Maher

"Barack Obama was on 'The View' this morning. I guess they are still trying to find somebody to fill the Rosie spot." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big story this week: Hillary was caught in a bit of a lie. When she was first lady, she went to Bosnia when it was war-torn. She said that she faced sniper fire -- never happened. And had to run to the car for cover -- never happened. If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her marriage." --Bill Maher

"Here's kind of a philosophical question: If a sniper fires a gun in the woods and nobody's around, does Hillary Clinton still hear it?" -- Jay Leno

"Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton was in Indiana trying to get more people there to like her. She claims to have taken some incoming sniper fire at the Indianapolis airport baggage carousel, but other than that, they say the trip went very well." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It looks like there's a little more fudging of Hillary's records. Remember when she said she was deeply involved in the Irish Peace Process? Turns out, she just saw 'Lord of the Dance.'" -- Jay Leno

"Why did she lie about this? She needs the street cred for being shot at? What is she, 50 Cent? Hillary: Get Elected, Or Lie Trying... Sinbad was the one who busted her on this. He contradicted her whole story. Boy, what a pair they make, huh? A once popular celebrity from the '90s whose star is fading fast and Sinbad." --Bill Maher