hUMOR For April 16th

Give and Take

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

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The Rude Customer

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Buzz Off!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

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Selling Bibles

While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"

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"Leaky Pipe"

A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.

"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.

"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Frobisher?"

The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the lady.

"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!"

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"Barack Obama said today that he would consider Al Gore to

be in his Cabinet. Al Gore said he would do it as long as

it was full of Twinkies." -Craig Ferguson

***

"Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three

groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and

value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will

replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth."

--Conan O'Brien

***

"The music industry is stumped by the huge drop in sales of

rap music. Sales of rap music down 21 percent this past year.

A lot of rappers have had to cut back on their lifestyle. A

lot of rappers getting rid of the gold teeth. They're going

with aluminum siding...it's cheaper." -Jay Leno

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My little niece, Kelly, went with a neighbor girl to church

for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children

cup their hands, and when he gives them the "Host," in this

case, a piece of bread, he says, "God be with you."

Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She

came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend

down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed

it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic

voice, "God will get you."

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"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-

boyfriend."

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out

with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

"Wow! Is that true?"

"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."

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Young Patients

A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his

young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge

of body parts.

One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor

asked him, "Is this your nose?"

Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said,

"Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"It looks like Mitt Romney really wants to be picked as vice president. Did you see the picture in the paper today of Romney talking to John McCain? Show this picture [on screen: picture of McCain and Romney]. Doesn't it look the head of Leisure World explaining the benefits of assisted living to the newest resident? 'Plus, we have Meals on Wheels.'" -- Jay Leno

"I don't know that Clinton and Obama will ever be friendly enough now to be running mates, but John McCain is rumored to be close to asking his former rival, Mitt Romney, to be his running mate. You might remember that when they were running against each other, McCain accused Romney of having two positions on every issue. I guess now he figures there will at least be one position he likes, so what the (heck). John McCain and Mitt Romney, to me, look like two guys who model overcoats in 'Sears' catalogues" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know if you've heard this, but in Iraq, the Shiite has hit the fan. ... This war going on between a powerful Shiite militia and the Iraqi army, which is a powerful Shiite militia. It's so violent that Baghdad and five other cities now are in complete lockdown. No one can go on the streets. So, if you're a Republican looking for a photo-op to show how peaceful it is, now is a good time." --Bill Maher

"Barack Obama was on 'The View' this morning. I guess they are still trying to find somebody to fill the Rosie spot." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big story this week: Hillary was caught in a bit of a lie. When she was first lady, she went to Bosnia when it was war-torn. She said that she faced sniper fire -- never happened. And had to run to the car for cover -- never happened. If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her marriage." --Bill Maher

"Here's kind of a philosophical question: If a sniper fires a gun in the woods and nobody's around, does Hillary Clinton still hear it?" -- Jay Leno

"Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton was in Indiana trying to get more people there to like her. She claims to have taken some incoming sniper fire at the Indianapolis airport baggage carousel, but other than that, they say the trip went very well." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It looks like there's a little more fudging of Hillary's records. Remember when she said she was deeply involved in the Irish Peace Process? Turns out, she just saw 'Lord of the Dance.'" -- Jay Leno

"Why did she lie about this? She needs the street cred for being shot at? What is she, 50 Cent? Hillary: Get Elected, Or Lie Trying... Sinbad was the one who busted her on this. He contradicted her whole story. Boy, what a pair they make, huh? A once popular celebrity from the '90s whose star is fading fast and Sinbad." --Bill Maher

hUMOR For April 15th

Happy Hour

A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?"

The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

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Cryptographers

A newly appointed cryptographer attends a lunch meeting with his peers, who are going around a circle telling jokes.

One of the cryptographers shouts "12", and everyone starts laughing.

Another person shouts "34", which is received with more laughter.

The new cryptographer asks one of the people "why is everyone laughing?" to which he responds "instead of taking the time to tell the whole joke, we just assign each joke a number and instead say that number".

When it's the new cryptographers turn, he says "-22", to which everyone bursts in laughter.

One of them shouts, "i haven't heard that one before!"

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Lawyer Jokes

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.

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Weird News

Truck could lead to house foreclosure

ROYAL PALM BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Officials in a Florida community say they are willing to foreclose on two brothers' house for not paying fines for illegally keeping a big truck there.

Christopher and Jeff George of Royal Palm Beach lost their appeal of the $10,000 in fines the village levied against them over the course of two years for keeping a Ford F-650 truck, the second-largest truck made by Ford, in the residential neighborhood, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported Wednesday.

The brothers argued unsuccessfully in court that the village was violating their constitutional rights by not allowing them to keep the truck at home. The Palm Beach County Circuit Court sided with the village, and Lynda Walker, the village's code enforcement supervisor, said Royal Palm Beach may foreclose on the $348,000 house to recover the unpaid fines.

Jeff George, 27, said he plans a further appeal, but will pay the fines before losing the house.

"I'm going to appeal it again," he said. "It's not going to end until I win. I'm in the right."

Korea POW insists he is still alive

BELLEVUE, Wash. (UPI) -- A Bellevue, Wash., man whose jet was shot down over Korea in 1953 says he still has trouble persuading the U.S. government he is alive.

Edwin "Nick" Nixon, 79 -- who was spent six months in North Korean prisoner of war camps after his plane was shot down during the war -- said the Internal Revenue Service and Social Security Administration send him letters from time to time questioning whether he is still alive, The Seattle Times reported Wednesday.

"Now I've got the name and phone number of a woman at Social Security who fixes it," Nixon said. "I used to have to write letters and go to the local office to prove I was alive."

Nixon was declared dead after his jet was shot down March 1, 1953, and his name remains on a list of those killed-in-action at the Garden of Remembrance in Seattle.

The former pilot recently authored a book about his experiences, titled "Killed in Action -- Dead ... Wrong!"

Jet lands on Fla. road

OKEECHOBEE, Fla. (UPI) -- Motorists said they were shocked when a TS-11 Iskra training jet landed on a stretch of State Road 70 outside of Okeechobee, Fla.

Shannon Bobbitt said she was driving and talking on her cell phone to her husband Monday when the van in front of her suddenly swerved out of her line of sight, revealing a curious presence just above the road, the Palm Beach (Fla.) Post reported Wednesday.

"There was an airplane coming down the road," she said.

Bobbitt and several other motorists managed to swerve out of the path of the aircraft.

The two-passenger jet, piloted by Bob Jeffery, managed to avoid power lines and cars as it made an emergency landing on the road. Jeffery told Okeechobee County sheriff's officials the jet lost power in mid-air and the road was the safest landing spot he could find.

No one was injured in the incident.

The Federal Aviation Administration said it has been notified of the emergency landing and the National Transportation Safety Board has begun an investigation.

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Hillary Clinton's senior campaign adviser, a guy named Mark Penn, has left the campaign. Apparently, he was coming under some heavy sniper fire... As her campaign strategist, Mark Penn is widely credited with catapulting Hillary from her virtual shoe-in to second place." --Jay Leno

"On Saturday, Barack Obama held several campaign rallies in Montana. Officials say that Barack's visit attracted large crowds and doubled the black population of Montana." --Conan O'Brien

"Slightly sad. Over the weekend, America lost one of it's greatest heroes, Charlton Heston. ... Charlton, or 'Chuckles' as he specifically asked me not to call him, was one of the last great Hollywood stars. He had it all -- perfect teeth, manly jaw, epic thighs. He was like Ronald Reagan, if Reagan had been an actor." --Stephen Colbert

"Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced he will not -- will not -- accept the nomination for vice president. Which is really important, considering no one has asked him." --Jay Leno

"John McCain's the only presidential candidate who is not currently using Secret Service protection. So far, McCain's only protection is the life insurance he bought from Wilford Brimley." --Conan O'Brien

"He's an honest guy. McCain said last week he doesn't understand the economy as well as he should. In fact, did you hear his plan to save energy? Clap-on, Clap-off." --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas stations." --Conan O'Brien

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Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it's downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that does' t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

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Redneck

You might be a redneck if you think the last words to "The Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

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Good Question

Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!

"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"

Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."

The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.

"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

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"The Golf Masters is on CBS. If Fox had the Golf Masters,

they'd extreme it up. You'd have to play an actual Tiger

instead of Tiger Woods." -Craig Ferguson

***

"In England now, you can buy a $100 cup of coffee — or as

Starbucks calls it, half off." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"During a speech President Bush urged Chinese leaders to

talk to the Dalai Lama and called him 'a really fine man.'

Bush said, 'I used to be reluctant to meet with him — then

I found out he's not a real llama.'" -Conan O'Brien

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A wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a

certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and

wrote the merchant a threatening letter.

He received the following reply: "Dear Sir: What do you mean

by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my

bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to

pay on my accounts. Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many

bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don't

like my way of doing business, I won't even put your bills

in the hat."

hUMOR For April 14th

If You'll be Quiet

It was a hectic day of running errands with my wife and son.

As if the stress weren't enough, four-year-old Christopher

insisted on asking questions about everything, told me how

to drive better, and sang every song he knew.

Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an

offer: "Christopher, if you'll be quiet for just a few

minutes, I'll give you a quarter." It worked.

But when we stopped for lunch, I unknowingly began to harp

on him. "Christopher, sit up straight ... don't spill your

drink ... don't talk with your mouth full."

Finally he said seriously, "Dad, if you'll be quiet for just

a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter."

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The “NEW” IRS

Guido "Scarface" Linguini, Acting Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service, announced new reforms to that agency's rules in dealing with taxpayers. The IRS has come under fire recently for its "mafia-like" collection activities and disregard for taxpayers' rights. "Starting next Monday," Linguini announced, "we will not pursue delinquent taxpayers after their death." Previously, the IRS was known to levy on the bodies of deceased taxpayers.

Other reforms announced today include:

1. The IRS will respond to taxpayer complaints "within one or two years at the most."
2. The practice of setting collection quotas by IRS office will cease. "We will establish regional quotas, instead," Linguini announced. "We expect to get a certain percentage of revenues from the North, South, East and West," he added.
3. IRS will no longer presume it is always correct when it sends out a notice of delinquency to a taxpayer. "We will randomly sample the notices, and assume we have made a mistake in 1 out of every 32,000,000 such notices," Linguini added.
4. Harassment will no longer be the watchword for IRS agent behavior. "Intimidation, however, will still be allowed," Linguini noted.
5. The practice of targeting poor taxpayers for collection activity on the theory that poorer people would be less likely to hire lawyers and fight the IRS will be terminated. "We are going to shift our collection focus to middle-income taxpayers, meaning anyone making from $5,000 a year to $15,000 a year," Linguini commented.
6. Use of the IRS for political purposes will cease, according to Linguini. "No longer will a Congressman be able to ask us to audit his opponents." Requests for hostile audits will still be honored if made by the White House.
7. Particular types of taxpayers will become the targets of our new collection focus. "It is obvious tax evasion is more common in some businesses and professions than it is in others," Linguini noted. "Therefore we will target waitresses, lawyers, landscapers, construction workers, and multi-level marketing promoters for audits," he added.
8. IRS will put on a new face to the public. "We will paint our offices a pretty blue, and ask our employees to quit wearing chain mail and black capes," Linguini proudly announced.
9. IRS will also change its motto from "stand and deliver" to "pay your taxes or else."
10. And in its final reform step, IRS will no longer follow children home from school. "I think we can wait to intimidate them when they grow up," Linguini said.

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"Mechanic Applicant"

A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get.

The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"

The mechanic nods, confused.

"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"

"Oh yes," says the mechanic.

"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"

"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.

"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that already!" says the boss.

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Oneliner

"Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?"

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CleanPun - "Gross Ignoramus"

A gross ignoramus: 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

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”Call Boxes”

A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"

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Dressed Alike

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My
sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day.
Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I
asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike
so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the
pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started
dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

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Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

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A Colorful Reunion

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and was with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were related."

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A Reflective Picture

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

He bought the “picture,” but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly so-and-so he’s runnin’ around with.”

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Might as Well Go Fishing

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of necessaries for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

hUMOR For April 13th

Mouse Test

Is your mouse calibrated If you’re not sure, then it’s probably not. You should do this every few weeks to ensure your getting the most performance and smoothest operation possible, especially if you spend alot of time on the computer.

Being somewhat of a tech-guy, I was shocked that this actually works. To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the “W” below. Then drag the “W” to the right. If it doesn’t work, you may need to clean your mouse.

WHAT A DUM DUM... YOU’LL BELIEVE

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"Dewey Check"

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.

"Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll see."

Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

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"Dewey Check"

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.

"Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll see."

Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

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Illustration - "Work"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...

"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you wake up, you're fired!"

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Tight Fit

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out." the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

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Spin the Bottle

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin
the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could
either kiss you or give you a dime.

By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.

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"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke warned Congress we

may be headed for a recession. Whoa! Thank you, Captain

Obvious!" -Jay Leno

***

"The circus is in town. Earlier today, Hillary Clinton

claimed she was once shot out of a cannon." -Dave Letterman

***

"It's a great day for Mariah Carey. She broke Elvis' record

for the most No. 1 hits. Her publicist said she's bigger

than Elvis. They might want to rephrase that." -Craig Ferguson

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A wife and her husband attended a very important business

party thrown by her boss where the husband may have had one

or two more than he should have.

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her

husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and

totally irresistible to all women you are?"

"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.

"Then what gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned

about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.

"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"

"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"

"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told

you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his

birth certificate 'Thomas.'

This boy I want to name Jack."

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Ranting at Random

Old People. Stop messing with them. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time gramps figures out how to open it he'll be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

Women and their eyebrows. What’s the deal here? Why are you so obsessed with making them skinny, pointy, curved, slanted or whatever. Men don’t care. Do you have two eybrows? Great -- let's go to dinner!

Baseball cards. You know, as I kid I collected them. Heck, I think every kid collects baseball cards. The cards represent your heros, your idols, people you wanted to be like when you grew up. My problem isn’t with kids… it’s adults. Listen if you’re a grown man you’re not collecting cards, you’re collecting pictures of men. That’s a little bit weird.

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Deputy Vacation

A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vacation, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleap two per room so they could afford the trip.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didnt get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn’t get any sleep.”

The following night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring. “We’ll see!” said the other debuties. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn’t snore a bit.”

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Interstate Inspiration

Four guys are driving across country together - one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York.

A short ways down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, “What the heck are you doing?” The man from Idaho says, “We have so many of these darned things in Idaho they’re laying around on the ground. I’m sick of looking at them!”

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.

The man from Florida asks “What are you doing that for?” The Nebraskan replies, “We have so many of these darned things in Nebraska I’m sick of looking at them!”

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

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And You Thought Your Job Was A Pain?

If you think, for one second, you’ve got a bad job, on your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy. I want you to go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice there is a disclosure in very fine print that reads:

“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.” Have a wonderful day knowing that, no matter how bad it is, there is always a job that’s more of a pain than yours.

hUMOR For April 12th

Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she

and her husband were struggling with a big decision on

whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered

to include them on the prayer list.

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole

congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a

decision about the missionary position."

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Subtle Smuggler

A man comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers the man.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the man overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases the man, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says the man.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the man, and the man crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for years.

One day, years later, after the guard has retired, he happens to run into the "sand" man in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you have been smuggling something all these years. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about… I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

The man sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

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Blind Date Slap"

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

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Oneliner

"A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it."

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CleanPun - "Raise"

Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"

The boss answered, "As soon as you do."

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”Casino Heart Attacks”

Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That's if you're at a high class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

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Switching Trains

I was in New York's Grand Central Terminal on my way to visit friends
in Connecticut. I had never taken the trip before and was wondering
if I needed to switch trains in Stamford.

Walking to the train, I saw the conductor and asked, "Do I need to change?"

"No," he replied immediately. "You're fine the way you are. Your bag
matches your shoes and your earrings are the same color as your
outfit. Very coordinated."

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New Restaurant

I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year

at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening

a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they

thought I was serious).

She and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said

I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison

dishes. I was going to call it "The Buck Stops Here," and my

slogan was going to be "Bambi: You've seen the movie. Now,

eat the star!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late

for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the

refrigerator." --Bill Lawrence

***

"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same

thing to me: "Basement?" --Rodney Dangerfield

***

"It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation

has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane I saw the

pilot putting the 'club' on the steering wheel."

--John Mendoza

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends

were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke

was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he

was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No

one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this

couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't dis-

rupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple

was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,

Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had

always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that

he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down

to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for

two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make

that five."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit

of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend

advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her finger-

nails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervous-

ness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails

so I bite them instead."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cletus the Builder

Cletus and Maynard were building a house together. Cletus was cutting the wood and Maynard was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; Maynardwould reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

Cletus, confused, watched him do this and after he could take it no longer yelled up, “Why the heck are you throwing some of the nails away?!”

“Whoa! Don’t yell!” Maynard explained, “If it’s pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!”

Cletus became irate at this point and started to call Maynard all kinds of names, referencing how stupid he was and explained the importance of keeping all the nails, “Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house! Duh!”

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Random Rants

Tatoos. Having a tattoo with Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to pass your English exam. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

Wal-Mart. I’m not the cashier! By the time I get done sliding my friggen' card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again… the kid who’s “supposed” to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Snickers bar. Paper? Plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve just been called to do a cleanup on aisle four!

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A Bun in the Oven

A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “Im having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next…

And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?”

hUMOR For April 11th

Hot Smell

It was a really hot day at the office. The air conditioning was out and there were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt. One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."

Vern replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

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"Paul Top Ten"

TOP TEN THINGS THE APOSTLE PAUL WOULD HAVE DONE IF HE HAD A PC

10. Download MP3's of the Righteous Brothers for entertainment while on those long, tedious missionary journeys

9. Visit WebMD.com about that persistent pain in flesh

8. Spiritual armor would include virus protection software

7. "To live is Christ, to die is to have a 28K modem"

6. Book boat tickets using Priceline.com

5. E-mail pictures of Peter eating pork to the gang back in Jerusalem

4. Church officers: Pastor, Elder, Deacon, System Administrator

3. Use decryption software to interpret tongues

2. Describe conversion experience as the "Divine Reboot"

1. Add Spam to list of cardinal sins

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CleanQuote

"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's great invention had been directed at printing only comic books."
- Robert M. Hutchins

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Illustration - "Decision"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

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Six Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every
ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of
Fear everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of
the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big
Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it
was off to a movie - the latest sci-fi epic, and hot dogs, popcorn,
Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He
leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
six again?"

One eye opened and she said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually
listening, he will still get it wrong.

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Service Bill

Harry, a TV repairman, was called to fix a television set

that had neither sound nor picture. Left alone in the room,

Harry spotted the cause immediately: the set was unplugged.

Harry faced a dilemma -- one part of him said he shouldn't

charge the woman while the other insisted he be paid for his

time.

Finally, he presented her with a minimum-charge service

bill, which read, "Restored isolated connecting cable to

primary power source. $25."

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Good reason

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

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Monster Valentine

Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's?

Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.

Boy Monster: Is it still beating?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Give the Lawyer a Hand

A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.

“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"There were rumors that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got

married yesterday. Thank God they weren't true. It means

I've still got a chance." -Craig Ferguson

***

"In a stunning announcement, Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey

Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, has endorsed

Barack Obama. He said he did it because his four young

daughters told him they wanted Obama for president. Which

also explains his choice for vice president: Hannah Montana."

-Jay Leno

***

"This week, Barack Obama tried bowling. His score was a

terrible 37. Afterwards, Obama told the press, 'That's it —

no more white guy sports for me.'" --Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the

same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in

the company directory and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back

another e-mail:

"I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that

noticeable!"

His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo,

had read:

"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut

that looked like you in the cafeteria."