hUMOR ForMarch 15th

Don't Touch Me

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

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Movie Computers Ain't My Computer

- Word processors never display a cursor.

- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

- All monitors display inch-high letters.

- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

- Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

- Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")

- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.

- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

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Work Laws

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

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Gonna Be a Bear

In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.

If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

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Optimist and Pessimist

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never
quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided
he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his
continual Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a hunting
dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the
dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down
a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved
the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you
think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

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Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found<>A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night.<>

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.

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Second Wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

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Wacky Americans

- We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

- We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

- We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

- Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

- We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

- We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

- We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

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Computer Weirdness in Movies

- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)

- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")

- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")

hUMOR For March 14th

Ant Humor

What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!

What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!

What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!

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Simple Home Remedies

- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

- For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

- A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

- Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

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Unspeakable

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

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Babysitting

Lindy was babysitting grandson Jake when he was about four

years old. They were outside swinging on his slide swing.

They were just talking and talking. Then he became very

quiet and was looking straight up into the sky, so Lindy

said nothing and waited.

What came out of his mouth next she will treasure forever:

"You know, Grandma, this is just like we are on a little

date!"

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Little League Game

Coming home from his Little League game, Vernie swung open the front
door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately
wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Vernie said. "I was responsible for the
winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

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Be Careful What You Pray For

As song leader for my church in New Hampshire, I was

preparing for Sunday morning. I had planned on playing my

guitar, but my electronic tuner was missing. "Maybe I left

it in the car," I thought. Heading out to the garage, I

passed my husband in the living room, watching TV. "Please

pray that I find my tuner," I mentioned out loud and then I

asked God to help me find it.

As I searched through the car, I didn't find anything in the

back seat, but when I reached under the front seat, I pulled

out a can of tuna.

My husband heard my laughter from all the way in the house

and came out to the garage. "Honey," I chuckled, "the Lord

sure answered that prayer -- New England accent and all!"

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"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to

pull a sled through snow." -Jeff Valdez

***

"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,

'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the

groom." -David Gunter

***

"My sister was in labor for thirty-six hours. Ow! She got

wheeled out of delivery, looked at me, and said, 'Adopt.'"

-Caroline Rhea

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My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state

trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked

when he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the

officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires

out?"

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A woman, her husband, and their three rambunctious young sons

were in their car waiting at a traffic. The woman glanced

over at the car next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother

with her baby daughter.

Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight

from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter."

The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of

snacks, and said, "Here, have another cookie."

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A Lobster Story

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed!"

The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."

The Fisheries Officer says, " Trained like how?"

"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"

"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."

So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.

The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How about whistling?"

The Newfie says " What For?"

The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"

The Newfie says, " What Lobsters?"

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Neighbor's Barking

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, 'I've had enough of this'

Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

Chris says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'

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Wanda's Dishwasher

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

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Ole Mac

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

hUMOR For March 13th

Final Countdown

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

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Ant Jokes

Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!

What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!

What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!

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Beautiful Choir

It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum. All the patients were standing out in the courtyard and singing, "Ave Maria", and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"

"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call them the "Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam". But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from Siam. Then, another thought "The Pencil Leads" was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."

"Well," the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves"...are you ready for this?...

"THE MORON TAPANAPPLE CHOIR"

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Feeling Old

When he was about 8, my son asked me when I was born.

I replied "63."

After a thoughtful pause he asked " What 63?"

It took me a minute to realize he was asking me if I was born in 1863 or 1963.

I asked him if he thought I was over a hundred.

He just said "well..." and was reluctant to say any more.

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Tourist Speak

Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.

"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.

"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this ugly, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."

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Biggest Lie

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of
about a dozen boys, all between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had
surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he
went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

Vernie replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray.
We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've
decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to
keep the dog."

Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a
ten minute sermon against lying, beginning with, "Don't you boys know
it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I
never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was
beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the Vernie boy gave
a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

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"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for

your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.

I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no

idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno

***

"As kids, instead of building sandcastles, we'd make sand

sculptures of naked women. It was tricky though, cause we

didn't know what naked women looked like. I grew up in

Scotland in the 1970s. I was 24 before I saw a woman with

her coat off. I thought a cardigan was an erogenous zone."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"Today was actually a very lucky day for me. I woke up this

morning, and I got an unbelievable e-mail. Apparently, a

Nigerian prince left me $47 million. And all I have to do

to claim it, is pay a $500 filing fee. So you won't have me

to kick around anymore." -Jimmy Kimmel

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Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter

of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to

date?"

Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside,

put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me

so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that

sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I

love her very much. If you were thinking about touching,

kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any

way, just remember...I don't mind going back to prison."

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Subject: FASHION

Many of us [those over 40, WAY over 40, or hovering near 40]

are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.

We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and

whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current

fashions. Despite what you may have seen, the following com-

binations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirt and support hose

5. Ankle bracelet and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly ring and a gall bladder scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirt and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirt and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind

when you shop!

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Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad..." "What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

"Five minutes later...

"Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

hUMOR For March 12th

As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one

day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something

terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be

hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please,

God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

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Little Vernie walked up to the librarian to check out a book

entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."

When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he

answered 'no.'

"Then why are you checking it out?"

"Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started

collecting moths last month!"

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Smelling and Hearing

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage. Now we'll have to work on your hearing."

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New Years Resolutions You Can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
18. Personal goal: bring back disco.

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Went to a Fortune Teller

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

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Very Hostile Farmer

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

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Strange Facts

"One pound of fat is equal to about 3500 calories."

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Dents RepairBlondes

This is a Certified Clean Blonde Joke!

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!

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Chicago Police Report

Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith's house was egged.

Chicago police reported that some individual attempted to

"egg" Lovie Smith's house last night.

The report stated: "An empty egg carton was recovered at the

scene. Two eggs hit Mr. Smith's house, three eggs went over

his house and hit his neighbor's back door, two eggs hit the

houses of each of his next-door neighbors, and the remaining

three eggs were found broken on the ground near the carton

from where the individual threw them. Looking at what was

hit, police officials say they are considering Bears

quarterback Rex Grossman as the primary suspect."

(For those who don't know, Grossman hasn't been playing too

well of late.)

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"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have

you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still

it's a horror." -Jay Leno

***

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger on Thursday rushed to the aid

of a 12-year-old student who had fainted during an event at

his school. When the student came to and saw Schwarzenegger

rushing toward him, he died." -Seth Meyers

***

"I like Ralph Nader, he looks like the doctor you go to have

the bullet removed. John McCain, on the other hand, he looks

like the guy who has to be told to close his robe."

-David Letterman

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Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her

husband explained to their young children that they would

be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were

told they would not be arriving at their destination until

after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we

there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old

daughter perked up, "Is it dark yet?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A big, beefy, leather-wearing, biker type fellow walks into

a bar, slams his fist down, and demands in a loud voice,

"Give me a bottle of beer, or else...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his beer. This happens

every day for a week straight, and the bartender turns into

a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells

him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done,

he thinks, but he decides to try it.

The next day, the biker returns.

"Give me a bottle of beer, or else...!"

"O-o-o-or else w-w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"Or I'll take a draft if you're out of bottles."

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Rules for Life

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are;

- You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape.

- Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

- Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

- And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

hUMOR For March 11th

I was on the phone trying to set up a furniture delivery.

"If you would like to arrange a delivery date, please press

one," the automated voice prompted me. "If you would like

to confirm delivery, please press two."

At that moment my three-year-old daughter let out an ear-

piercing shriek. "I'm sorry," the automated voice said,

"that is not a valid response."

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Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart

and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner,

right near a large bank.

One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he

can lend him some money.

Don refuses.

"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well, and

I'm not asking for much."

"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a Non-

competition Agreement with that bank over there. According

to the terms of the agreement, they're don't sell hot dogs,

and I don't lend money."

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"You all enjoy the Academy Awards last night? ... I thought Jon Stewart did a great job. He did a great job. You know, the Oscars are broadcast in over 100 different countries, three of which actually like us." --Jay Leno

"This just in, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards. ... The show was very long. And I always think it takes a lot of nerve for a show that's four and a half hours to give an award for editing. ... I mean, the thing was so long and so dull, I thought I was hosting" --David Letterman

"Things getting nasty now between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. They've been so civil for a while. Now it's getting nasty. Check this out, Hillary Clinton's campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama's campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit." --Conan O'Brien

"In political news, Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well, you thought Mike Huckabee didn't know when to quit, huh? There you go. In fact, Ralph Nader's campaign slogan -- 'It's me again.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Ralph Nader announced he's running for president again. Immediately after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench told him to shut up." --Conan O'Brien

"Oh, and Barack Obama made another woman faint today. The bad news, it was Hillary when she saw the poll numbers." --Jay Leno

"This weekend, Fidel Castro, who is 81 years old, resigned from the presidency of Cuba and was replaced by his brother Raul, who is 76. Yeah, afterwards, Castro said, 'I wanted to give the kid a chance'" --Conan O'Brien

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Lacking All Religion

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

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Murphy's Laws of Work

- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

- The longer the title, the less important the job.

- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

- An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

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Attractive Male Faces

UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and has a bat where the sun don't shine while he's on fire.

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For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

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Grace Of God

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, Peter meets him at the pearly gates. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

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Genius!

A computer system technician worked at a law firm. One day, in the process of reconfiguring a user's computer, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her username and then asked her password to log back on.

Her password was "genius".

Each time he tried it, he received a message that stated the username or password was incorrect. Knowing that the username was correct, he asked her how to spell her password.

She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."

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Goats in School

At a high School in Montana a group of students played a prank on the
school. They let three goats loose in the school building.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the
goats: 1, 2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for goat #3.

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Anniversary Gift

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic

dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a

dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was

beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there

was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator.

We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we

wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean

the house."

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"Starbucks has announced that they're introducing a coffee

that costs only one dollar. Apparently the catch is you have

to purchase it at Dunkin' Donuts." -Conan O'Brien

***

"Happy Leap Year! When President Bush heard that he said,

'Remember to turn your clocks ahead one year people!'"

-Jay Leno

***

"Los Angeles' tap water was voted the tastiest in the United

States. Fine. I like New York City tap water. I like that

you can blow the head off it." -Dave Letterman

hUMOR For March 11th

Laws of Work

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- The more of it you put up with, the more of it you're going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.

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Gonna Be a Bear

In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.

If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

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"Horseshoe Look"

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

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CleanQuote

"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish."
- Mark Twain

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Illustration - "Reality"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

On a tour of Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, the guide stopped and addressed the crowd. "Do you want to see what a real cave looks like?" he asked.

Of course, everyone said yes.

Without another word, he shut off all the lights.

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Jeff stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any

money."

Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."

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A woman was giving a speech, "I just found out that my only child is

academically number one in her class."

Applause radiated from the audience.

"On top of that she was nominated for prom queen."

More applause radiated from the audience.

"Thank you," replied the woman, "but it's not that big of a deal. She's

homeschooled."

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Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.

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Best Patients

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

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Cows

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give them all a cow.

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Driving Test

Two truck driving brothers are taking a driving test, and the instructor asks, "You're driving the truck and you're at the top of a mountain and your brakes go out. You notice an accident at the bottom of the mountain, what do you do?"

The trucker replies, "The first thing I do is wake up my brother."

"What good is that going to do?" the instructor asks.

The trucker replies replies, "In all of the years we've been driving he ain't never seen an accident like the one we're about to get in to."

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Life

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "Woo hoo! What a ride!"

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"Computer Repair"

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it for you."

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with the electrical cord in her right hand.

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Air Boss

Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service Arctic

exercise, I was assigned to the air reconnaissance section.

Although I had recently been promoted, I was feeling rusty,

and wanted to get started learning my duties so as not to

appear too "green."

I confided to the Air Force lieutenant colonel who greeted

me that I was anxious to meet the Air Boss right away.

"Don't worry, son," he said reassuringly, "the Air Boss is a

real professional, knows his stuff cold and works well with

his people. Great guy."

"Terrific!" I replied. "What's his name?"

Looking through the roster, the welcoming officer replied,

"O'Hara."

"Oh, no," I groaned. "That's me."

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"I was in McDonald's and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal

toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, 'Hey, you play

with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing

those!'" --Laura Silverman

***

"I have a Y chromosome that makes me ask, Why get married?

But I wouldn't want to put down marriage as a whole - which

it is." --Kevin Hench

***

"I like hip-hop. I'm working with Ice Cube, Ice-T, and Herb

Tea. I'm changing my name to Snapple." --Paul Mooney