hUMOR For March 3rd

"Castro announced his retirement on the Internet. This is

the man who blocked the Internet in his own country. He has

a blog. Probably has a MySpace page as well — Current mood:

Evil." -Craig Ferguson

***

"Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Texas. They're really

nervous over at the Hillary camp. To give you an idea how

nervous she is, she showed up in a pantsuit and chaps."

-David Letterman

***

"Yesterday, Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down. He

will be replaced by his brother Raul. According to the State

Department, Raul is the Jim Belushi of Central America."

-Conan O'Brien

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A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair

some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested

area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning

of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one

member, of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running

across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I

wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

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The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan's companion,

but he rejected her for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated

by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as

far away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her flight

from fantasy land ended in Fresno, California, where she

became a waitress at a roadside truckstop.

One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the

restaurant. They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely,

slopped chunks of food all over the table and floor, and

left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per trucker. The

enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one

of the paltry coins, and screamed, "It's the wrong way to

tip a fairy, who's a long way from home!"

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Men's Room

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

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Love Note From Vern To Dottie

To Dottie, the love of my life:

There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb
the highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would
swim the widest ocean to be near you, my beloved.

With love and tenderness,
Vernon

PS: See you Saturday night, if it doesn't rain.

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Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

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The Less You Know, The More You Make

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.

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Calming Albert

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert!"

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Caught Stealing

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

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King of the Jungle?

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

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Fishcakes

A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm.

"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.

"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.

"Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday."

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Male assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

hUMOR For March 2nd

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The Good of a Bad Relationship

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first!"

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Big Sale Day

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

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Sales Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'Best Deals'.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'Lowest Prices'.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... 'Main entrance'.

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Phone Numbers

As a high school football coach, I know that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.

When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.

"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"

The flustered kid replied, "Thirty-Three."

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Folks from Texas

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas .

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybodys passing you, you may live in Texas

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Texas

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Texas friends & others, you definitely live in Texas

Need a vacation? Here is a list of actual places to travel to in Texas:

Need to be cheered up?

Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530
Grandview, Texas 76050
Happy, Texas 79042
Pep, Texas 79353
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Smiley, Texas 78159
Splendora, Texas 77372
Sweet Home, Texas 77987

Love the Sun?

Sun City, Texas 78628
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunny Side, Texas 77423
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270

Want something to eat?

Bacon , Texas 76301
Noodle , Texas 79536
Oatmeal , Texas 78605
Turkey , Texas 79261
Trout , Texas 75789
Sugar Land , Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice , Texas 75155
And top it off with:
Sweetwater , Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!

Detroit , Texas 75436
Colorado City , Texas 79512
Denver City , Texas 79323
Nevada , Texas 75173
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami , Texas 79059
Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861
Reno, Texas 75462

Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!

Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China, Texas 77613
Egypt, Texas 77436
Turkey , Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460
Moscow, Texas 77351

No need to travel to Washington D.C.

Whitehouse , Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!

Earth, Texas 79031

Men are from Mars, woman are from

Venus, Texas 76084

Speaking of the outer spaces!

Rising Star, Texas 76471

And lets not forget the down to earth!

Humble, Texas ( or those non-Texans, it's pronounced Umble. There is no such word as Humble in a Texan's vocabulary).

And a city named after our State!

Texas City , Texas 77590

Exhausted?

Energy, Texas 76452

Cold?

Blanket , Texas 76432
Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?

Santa Anna , Texas
Goliad , Texas
Alamo , Texas
Gun Barrel City , Texas

Need Office Supplies?

Staples, Texas 78670

You guessed it... it's on the state line..

Texline , Texas 79087

For the kids...

Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie , Texas 77665
Sylvester , Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile..... :

Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Clyde, Texas
Duster, Texas
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kerens, Texas 75144
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079
The Anti-Al Gore City
Kilgore , Texas 75662 Love this one.


P.S. Whoops, left out

Muleshoe
Cut'n shoot,
Hoot And Holler,
Ding Dong, and don't forget......
Farewell, Texas

And, of course, there is a place in Texas that is......

KNOTT , TEXAS

hUMOR For March 1st

A salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his

mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly

to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."

He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared.

Prepare yourself."

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I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying

out an art project: making a person

with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face,

put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to

see how it looked.

Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise

visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he

said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"

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I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying

out an art project: making a person

with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face,

put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to

see how it looked.

Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise

visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he

said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"

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Tea Service"

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in
which my arm had been broken. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

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CleanQuote

"Vision is not enough; it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps. We must step up the stairs."
- Vaclav Havel

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CleanQuote

"Vision is not enough; it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps. We must step up the stairs."
- Vaclav Havel

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"Invitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.

Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"

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Free Haircut

After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, and haircut, he placed a little boy in the chair.

"I'm going to buy a tie real quick," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the little boy's haircut was complete and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the little boy.

"He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, kid, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

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On Somewhat Of A Serious Note. The names in the story below have been changed to protect the innocent, as they used to say on Dragnet.

Dan, The Duck & The Devil
Danny was a little boy visiting his grandparents on
their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out
in the woods. He practiced in the woods; but he could
never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he
headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw
Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the
slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and
killed it. He was shocked and grieved!

In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile;
only to see his sister watching! Judy had seen it
all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Judy, let's
wash the dishes" But Judy said, "Grandma , Danny told
me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she
whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Danny did
the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted
to go fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need
Judy to help make supper." Judy just smiled and
said, "Well that's all right because Danny told me he
wanted to help" She whispered again, "Remember the
duck?" So Judy went fishing and Danny stayed to help


After several days of Danny doing both his chores and
Judy's; he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came
to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.

Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said,
"Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the
window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love
you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you
would let Judy make a slave of you."

Thought for the day and every day thereafter? Keep an eye on your scamming sister.

Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done...
and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face
(lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred,
anger, bitterness, etc.)...whatever it is ...You need
to know that God was standing at the window and He saw
the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.

He's just wondering how long you will let the devil
make a slave of you. The great thing about God is
that when you ask for forgiveness; He not only
forgives you, but He forgets. It is by God's grace and
mercy that we are saved

Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life
today. Share this with a friend and always remember:
God is at the window!

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Feeling Old?

About 15 years ago, my brother and I were shopping in a record store
in the downtown plaza. He was trying to find music recordings
related to the concert known as "Woodstock" from the 1960's. The
teen-aged clerk asked if she could be of assistance.

"Yes, I'm trying to find recordings of Woodstock," he explained.

The young lady looked very puzzled and I knew she had no clue, but I
had no idea how badly she had no clue until she spoke...

"Woodstock? You mean Snoopy's little buddy?"

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Announcement from the Pulpit

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then,

but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants

would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the

minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual

Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend

told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from

the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly

agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly

remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he

was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That

morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his

face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we

begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to

thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and

for the spirit in which they were given!"

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Strange Facts

"85% of your brain is water."

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The Gut Fart

Vern and Dottie have been married for 20 years. Every morning for 20 years, Vern wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 20 years, Samantha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Dottie is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before Vern gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Well, later that morning, Vern wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
bathroom. Dottie laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Vern has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.

She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Vern opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

hUMOR For Feb 29th

A Lawyer Question

A lawyer was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's

Witness.

He declined, stating that he hadn't seen the accident. He

did say, however, that he would still be interested in

taking the case.

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Strange Facts

"The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons!"

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The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

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The Wonders of Modern Technology

A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She was very excited, and loved her new phone. He showed it to her and explained to her all the features on the phone.

The next day, she went shopping. Her phone rang and it was her husband.

"Hi, honey," he said. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replied "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand."

"What's that, baby?" asked the husband.

"How did you know I was at the mall?"

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Restaurant Specials

My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials
after our employees. Dishes like: "Chicken Mickey," after our
dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and "Rod's Ribs," after a waiter
who had his personal style of barbecue.

One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and
changed the description of the special we had named after our chef.
Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn't think
an entree named: "Salmon Ella" would go over big with our customers.

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Pastor's Wife Gets a Dress

One Sunday afternoon, the pastor's wife returned home with

an expensive dress in hand. When her husband asked her about

it, she explained.

"Well, I was on my way to put the church's offering money in

the bank, but I saw this amazing dress in the shop window. I

was just trying it on when the Devil appeared and started

tempting me to buy it."

At this point, the pastor was beginning to become angry.

"Why didn't you just use scripture and say, 'Get thee behind

me, Satan'?"

The wife sheepishly answered, "I did, but the Devil said,

'It looks even better from back here!'"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"The Wall Street Journal reports this week that the candy

industry is so worried about falling candy sales they are

now adding caffeine to their candy. Well, that's every

parent's worst nightmare — a fat kid who’s up all night."

-Jay Leno

***

"I want to get this off my chest: For the past 20 years,

I have been using performance-enhancing vodka."

-David Letterman

***

"Good news for Barack Obama. The founders of Ben & Jerry's

ice cream are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary

Clinton. Which makes sense, because 'BaRocky Road' is a much

catchier name than 'Pantsuits & Cream.'" -Conan O'Brien

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A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing

there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.

"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.

"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Snyder?"

The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago," ex-

plained the lady.

"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call

you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move

away!"

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things

were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told

when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me,

and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was

asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees

and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final

arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

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Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

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T-Rex

Why couldn't the T-Rex catch the mammal?

Because it was fast food!

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The Slow Racehorse

The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.

He turned on the jockey.

"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"

"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Two Troublemakers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, Stan & Vernie ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

Stan & Vernie’s mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent Vernie first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger Vernie down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The Vernie's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the Vernie made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the Vernie's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

Vernie screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother Stan found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

Vernie, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

hUMOR For Feb28th

When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation,

I decided to remember their names by noting they were the

same as those of two characters in a popular children's

story.

After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they

were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that

hill! But you must get that all the time."

They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my

wife asked, "What was that all about?"

"Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said.

"Yes, but what does that have to do with," she pointed to

the couple, "Dick and Jane?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out

the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see

was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the

flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should

inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has

been for some time."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I went to my bank to refinance a loan on my yacht. Making small talk with

Susan, the loan officer, I told her that she was the main reason I came to

that branch.

Not even looking up from her paperwork, Susan responded, "You don't fool me,

sailor. I'll bet you have a woman in every bank."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any

signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I

pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"

"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I'm writing a book about the recession. It starts with Chapter 11.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Whatcha Looking For?

A policeman is walking his beat at night and comes across a man who
is standing under a street light, looking intently down at the
street. He says to the man, "What are you looking for?"

"My keys," says the man.

"Where did you lose them?"

"Over there"

"Why are you looking here?"

"The light is better."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Rare Dish

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a very rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and probably half wild, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 12 cats."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He

said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for

you.'" -Jay Leno

***

"There was a story on 60 Minutes last night that said the

happiest people on earth are not Americans. The Danish are

the happiest people! I'm not surprised — they make Legos

in Denmark. Who doesn't like Logos?" -Craig Ferguson

***

"The New York City subway system announced that it will hire

350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the

number of workers cleaning the subway to 350." -Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of

Rutgers University.

The new flock of kids attending college always includes

those who need a little help with everyday chores they

themselves never did before, such as laundry or grocery-

shopping.

I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened

the carton to check them over before putting them in my

cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton...

then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

When the graveside service had no more than just finished,

there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a

distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more

lightning.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

"Well, she's there."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Diagnosis

"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.

"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known people in civilian life to be told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different."

"You are not in civilian life, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Behaviorist Solution

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed.

It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.

"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "You seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Placing Your Order

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Mental Release

Vern who been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

Vern said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

AN EXTRA TREAT

AN EXTRA TREAT

100% irony free.

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

4 out of 5 voices in my head say 'Go For It!'

43.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bad day of fishing turns into a good day of drinking.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A fool and his money are my best friends.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A man decided not to report his stolen credit card because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A man is not complete until he is married - then he is finished.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers. Answer my prayer - steal this car.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

AARP Bumper Stickers:
Any day above ground is a good one.

At my age flowers scare me.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Florida - God's Waiting Room

I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second one.
I'm not old. I'm Chronologically Gifted

I'm so old that whenever I eat out, they ask me for money up front.

I'm so old... all my friends in heaven will think I didn't make it.

I must be getting older... all the names in my phone book end with M.D.
One good thing about Alzheimers... you get to meet new people everyday.

Retirement - twice as much husband, half as much money.

Senior Campbell's: New large type Alphabet Soup
Support Bingo - keep Grandma off the streets.

Abbotsford – smell our dairy air!

According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.

Adrenaline is my drug of choice.

Adult child of alien invaders.
Adults are just kids who owe money.

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me,

“Maybe life isn't for everyone.”

Air pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

All generalizations are false, including this one.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All life's answers are on TV. Bart Simpson
All men are animals, some just make better pets.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Alone: In bad company.

An eye for an eye… leaves the whole world blind.
And the angel said unto the shepherds: “Shove off, this is cattle country.”

Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest - and be damn proud of it!

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
And which dwarf are you?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "s" in it?
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Archaeologists will date any old thing.

Are the noises in my head bothering you?
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Are you following Jesus this close?
Are You Having Phone Sex Or Do You Always Drive That Way?

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

As a matter of fact, I do own the road.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Ask me about my vow of silence.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

Avenge Yourself - live long enough to be a problem to your children.

Back Off! I'm a Postal Worker...
Back off! I'm not that kind of car.
Back off! You're standing in my aura.

Backup my hard drive? How do I get it in reverse?

Bad cop - no donut for you.
Bad girls wanted.

Barium: what you do with dead chemists.

Be careful about reading health books - you may die of a misprint.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are, you’ll end up working for one.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.

Beam me up Scotty – there’s no intelligent life down here.

Beat rush hour, leave work at noon.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Beer - helping white people dance since 1837.
Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
Beer - the reason I get up each afternoon.
Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter.

Before giving someone a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

Being a princess is a full-time job.

The best man for the job is a woman.

Better living through denial.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Bipartisanship: I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my [#@!$]

Birds of a feather flock together – and crap on your car.

Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes really suck.

Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they will see God twice.
Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.

Blonde joe-ks are one-liners just so brunettes can understand them.
Blondes may tease, but redheads please.
Blow your mind - smoke gunpowder.

Body by Nautilus; Brain by Mattel.

Boldly going nowhere.

Born again pagan.
Born free - my father's a doctor.
Born free... taxed to death.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

Brain dysfunction detected.
Brain over - Insert coin.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted - Cereal Port Not Responding.

Breast Inspection 20 Feet Ahead (Please Have 'Em Out).

Breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Budget - a method for going broke methodically.

Bugs come in through open Windows.

Bumper Stickers - Not Your Type?

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Calm Down. Its only ones and zeros.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Canada Revenue: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>

Cancer cures smoking.

Can't Feed 'Em? Don't Breed 'Em.

Cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Careful – I’m not wearing clean underwear!

Cats are dogs with a college education.
Cats: The other white meat.

Caution: child in trunk.
Caution - Driver legally blonde!
Caution – Driver runs with scissors.
Caution – I drive like you do.
Caution – Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Caution - Vehicle sometimes moves sideways.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way.

Chevy trucks, Harley Davidsons and blondes – I only ride the best.

Clear the road - I'm SIXTEEN!

Clones are people 2.
Club sandwiches, not seals.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Come The Rapture, Can I Have Your Car?

COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.

Compost happens.

Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.

Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Condoms aren't completely safe. My friend was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Copywight 2004 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime??
Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Cubicle - a padded cell without a door.

Daddy Farted, and we Can't get out!
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Dain bramaged.

Dear God... Protect me from your followers.

Death to all fanatics!

DEL *.* = 100 % compression.

Democracy is too good to share with just anybody.
Demons are a Ghoul's best Friend.

Depression - anger without enthusiasm.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic? There's a 12-month waiting list.

Dinner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' till you can find a rock.

Do I look like a freaking people person?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
Do not disturb - already disturbed!
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Do you think you could drive better if you stuck that phone UP YOUR ASS?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Dog and wife missing. Reward for dog.

Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Don't blame me - I'm from Uranus.
Don’t bother me – I’m living happily ever after.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't drive faster than your angel can fly.
Don't follow me - I'm lost too.
Don't follow me or you'll end up at my place.
Don't hit me - my lawyer's in jail.
Don’t judge a book by its movie.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Don’t steal – the government hates competition.
Don't sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously - you won't get out alive.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don't tell my mother I'm a lawyer - she thinks I'm a hooker.
Don’t think and drive.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation - as you grow older, it will avoid you.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Double your drive space - delete Windows!

Doubt not your wife's wisdom - look who she married!

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Drink wet cement and get completely stoned!
Drinking makes me see double and feel single.

Driver carries no cash – he’s married.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Due to the outbreak of AIDS, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss's ass.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Eating plenty of fruit can help you live to a ripe old age.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

E Pluribus Modem.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Earth first... we'll log the other planets later.
Earth is full. Go home.
Earth - the insane asylum of the universe.

Eat Australian lamb – 100,000 dingos can’t be wrong!
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Elitism: It's not for everyone.

Energizer bunny arrested – charged with battery.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth --- reboot universe? (Y/N)
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Eschew obfuscation.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Everybody repeat after me - "We are all individuals."
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Everything I need to know about women I learned from my cat.

Experience - something you don't get until just after you need it.

Facts are stubborn things.

FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...

Fear is a little dark room where negatives are developed.

Feel lucky? Update your software!

Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.

Fight for Peace.

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Finally 19 and legally able to do everything I’ve been doing since 15.

Flashlight - a case for holding dead batteries.

Fleece on earth. Good wool to ewe.

Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped.

Flying saucers are real. The Air Force doesn’t exist.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate.
Forget the Joneses. I keep up with the Simpsons.

Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam.

FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink)
Free the Indianapolis 500.

Freud put the 'anal' into psychoanalysis.
Freudian slip - when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

Friends don’t let friends drive naked.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

From a chicken in every pot to a chicken smokin' pot.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Gas, Grass or Ass - No One Rides For Free.

Gene Police: YOU - Out of the pool!

Get In, Sit Down, Shut Up & Hang On.
Get off my [#@!$] before I start to like it!
Get off my ass, or I will flick a booger on your windshield.

Give a woman an inch, she'll park a car in it.
Give Blood - Play Hockey.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Go on. I’ll see you at the next traffic light.

God created men and rested. God created women and no-one's rested since!
God is love, but Satan is 30 and two sets to one up.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God may have made man first, but there is always a rough draft before a final copy.
God must love stupid people… He made so many of them.

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.

Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.

Ground beef: A cow with no legs.

Grow your own dope - plant a man.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Gun Control Means Using Both Hands.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Hang up and drive!

Hangover - the wrath of grapes.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Happiness is loving a dog (upper bumper sticker)
I love cats (lower bumper sticker)

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?

Have you ever wondered how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is like having a Peeing Section in a pool.

He only likes you because he hasn’t met me yet.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last has the best lawyer.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.

Heavily medicated for your safety.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

Health – the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Hello, officer. Put it on my tab.

Help! I Farted and can't roll down my windows!
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Help! My reality check bounced!
Help nature, don't breathe.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Her legs are without equal - they know no parallel.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw...

Hire a teenager now - while they still know everything.

Hit me – I need money.

The Ho Chi Minh Trail led to the White House.

Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:

Honk if you are stupid enough to actually read the backs of people’s cars and then do what it tells you to do.
Honk if you hate noise pollution.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Horn broken – watch for finger.

House guarded by SHOTGUN 3 nights a week. You guess which 3.

Housework done properly can kill you.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How can my checking account be overdrawn? I still have checks!
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Hug a logger - you will never go back to trees.

Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven't got.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I am built for comfort, not for speed.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I am not a bum. My wife works!
I am not a housewife. I am a domestic engineer.
I Am Not An Alcoholic - I'm Drunk. Alcoholics Go To Meetings.
I am only horny on the days that end in y.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be fixed with the right amount of C4.
I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
I brake for fairies, elves, gnomes, leprechauns, and other invisible creatures that only I can see.
I brake suddenly for tailgaters.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I Child-Proofed My House But They Still Get In.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I did a drot of lugs in college, I hink I thave dain bramage.
I did alot of drugs in the 50's, Now I do them at room temperature.
I didn't crawl my way to the top of the food chain just to eat leaves.
I didn’t work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
I don't care. I don't have to.
I don't care who you are, FATSO. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don’t jog – it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
I don't know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it.
I don't like to eat snails - I prefer fast food.
I don't mind dying. The trouble is you feel so stiff the next day.
I don’t need your attitude – I have one of my own.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I failed my urine test.
I feel like the whole world is a car wash and I'm riding a bike.
I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I got a gun for my wife - best trade I ever made.
I got a sweater for Christmas, but what I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.
I had a life once. Now I have a computer and a modem.
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
I have a drink problem - I can't afford it.
I have a lot of issues with sex - mostly Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler.
I have a nice body. It's in my trunk.
I have an attitude and I’m not afraid to use it.
I have good Brakes, Do you have GOOD Insurance?
I have kids – they are always there when they need me.
I have no desire for money. It’s stuff that I want.
I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but dare I take the chance?
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I is a college student.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate - but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying home and ordering another pizza.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I let my mind wander and it didn't come back.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK - they know me here.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I lost 350 pounds in one day, I divorced her.
I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.
I love animals – I eat them and wear their skins.
I love cats – I have a dozen recipes.
I love cats - they taste just like chicken.
I love Jesus. It's his fan club that makes me nervous.
I love my country. It's my government I fear.
I love my wife. For $50 you can too.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I march to the beat of my own accordion.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you!
I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
I never knew what happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
I once read a book about anti-gravity. I just couldn't put it down.
I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.
I plead contemporary insanity.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
I put in contacts for this?
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!
I said "no" to drugs, but they wouldn't listen.
I saw it. I wanted it. I cried. I got it.
I smile because I do not know what is going on.
I souport publik edekashun.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
I still miss my Ex, but my aim is getting better!
I suffer from c.r.s. (can't remember [#@!$]).
I support the three basic food groups.. KEG - BOTTLE - CAN.
I think, therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
I tried to embrace my feminine side, but it filed a restraining order against me.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life… but it broke off.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I used to watch golf on TV, but my Doctor told me I needed more exercise. So now I watch tennis.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!
I was born 9 months prematurely.
I was high on life, but eventually I built up a tolerance.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was stopped for doing 53 in a 35mph zone. I told the police I had dyslexia.
I wasn’t using my civil liberties anyway.
I wear the pants in my family - right under my apron.
I will never put off till tomorrow what I can forget about forever.
I wish life had subtitles.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.
I’d love to trade caller I.D. for caller I.Q.

If 10% is good enough for God, it ought to be good enough for Revenue Canada.
If a man says something in the woods and no one’s there to hear it, is he still wrong?
If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
IF: a two-letter word for FUTILITY.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they always end up in tuna nets?
If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If Ghenghis Khan, why can't I?
If God had intended for me to run around naked, he would have made my skin fit better.
If I can't fish in heaven, I'm not going.
If I could get a firm grip on reality, I’d choke it.
If I go any faster I'll burn out my Hamsters.
If I had known grandchildren would be so much fun, I would have had them first.
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If I wanted to hear from an [#@!$] I'd fart.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks - it needed replacing anyway.
If it weren't for stress, I'd have no energy at all.
If it weren’t for the kids, this would be a Mercedes!
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If it’s too loud, you’re too old.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If it wasn't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with perfect strangers!
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
If pro if the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If there's only one Lexus on the road, is it a Lexi?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If this car is being driven courteously it's been stolen.
If this van is rockin' don't bother knockin'.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
If we call it tourist season why can't we shoot them?
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle
If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough.
If You Are Born Again, Do You Have Two Belly Buttons?
If you are not a hemorrhoid then get off my [#@!$]!
If you aren’t completely appalled, then you haven’t been paying attention.
If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, have you considered becoming a guillotine operator?
If you can read this, back off!
If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you don't have time to do it right, what makes you think you've got time to do it twice?
If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.
If you don’t like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.
If you like my bumper, you’d love my headlights!
If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
If you think I’m a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you voted for change, better start counting it.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
If you want to hang your ass out of the window, please make sure it's clean first.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance.
If you’re happy and you know it, see a shrink.
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is for ever.

Illiterate? Write for help today!

Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your kids.

I'm a nice guy. My car is evil.
I'm a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I'm perfect.
I'm an imbecile and I vote.
I’m back by popular demand.
I'm Busy. You're Ugly. Have A Nice Day.
I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I'm enduring life's theater in the hope of a good cast party.
I’m having eye problems. I can’t see working.
I’m in no hurry – I’m on my way to work.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm kind of lazy - I'm dating a pregnant woman.
I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
I'm looking for the right pedestrian to run over.
I’m lost in thought and need a map.
I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.
I'm not a tourist, I live here.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 50 years.
I'm not deaf, I just like to block your way.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
I'm Not Losing Hair - I'm Getting Head.
I'm not playing with myself - I'm just adjusting my jewellery.
I’m not speeding – I’m qualifying.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm out of bed and dressed - what more do you want?
I'm Out of Estrogen And I Have a Gun.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I’m Pro Choice – I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat, and wear fur.
I'm so homophobic I can't even touch myself.
I'm the guy your parents warned you about.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates?
IN GOD WE TRUST: All others we virus scan.
In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed.
In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.
In the beginning was the word. And the word was 'Aardvark'.

Individualists - Unite!

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

Invest in America. Buy a Congressman!

Is it time for your medication or mine?

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It said "Insert disk # 3", but only two will fit!
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It's a small world so you gotta use your elbows a lot.
It's better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
It's hard to be fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
It’s hard to understand how a cemetery raises its burial cost and blames it on the cost of living.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession.
It's not whether you win or lose. What counts is whether I win or lose.
It's not just winning the game - it's drinking the beer.
It's not pretty being easy.
It’s time to pull over and change the air in your head.

I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.
I've got plenty of lead in my pencil, but none in my tank.
I've got the time. I haven't got a watch!
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
I've just had an operation for piles. All my troubles are behind me.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Jesus is coming - look busy.
Jesus Saves, and Bertuzzi puts in the rebound.
Jesus Saves at the Royal Bank of Canada.
Jesus Saves... Moses Invests!

Join D.A.M.M. - Drunks Against MADD Mothers.
Join F.A.R.T.s - Fathers Against Radical Teenagers.
Join M.A.D. - Mothers Against Dyslexia.
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.

Just 2,953,377 more days till I start caring what you think.
Just because I live in a house doesn't mean I'll clean it!
Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
Just hand over the chocolate and no one will get hurt.
Just say NO! to sex with pro-lifers.
Just when you thought you won the rat race along come faster rats.

Justice: A decision in your favour.

Keep America beautiful - dispose of your lawyer properly.
Keep honking... I'm reloading.
Keep on working – millions of people on welfare depend on you.
Keep the earth clean – it isn’t Uranus.
Keep your butt in the car – the earth is not your ashtray.
Keep your city clean - eat a pigeon.

The kids drive me crazy; I drive them everywhere.

Kids in the front seat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Lee Harvey Oswald - where are you when we need you?

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

Life in a vacuum sucks.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
Life is a test and I didn't take very good notes.
Life is full of uncertainties. Of course, I could be wrong about that.
Life is too short for cheap cigars.
Life - it’s just a cereal.
Life sucks, and it leaves some mean hickies.
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
Life’s too short to dance with ugly men.

The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The light went out, but where to?

Little Miss Nitpick.

Live as long as you like. It won’t shorten how long you’re dead.

Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.

Looking for your cat? Check under my tire!

Lord give me patience... But Hurry!
Lord, let me be half the man my dog thinks I am.

The loudest snorer is always the first to fall asleep.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
Love means never winning at tennis.

Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Mafia staff car.

Main reason Santa is so jolly: because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - see driver for details.
Make the world a better place - kill yourself.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Marriage: A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

Me You Dinner Motel

Mean people rule!

Meandering to a different drummer.

Meat kills.

Meeting: A place where you take minutes but waste lots of hours.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Learn to live with it.
Men are Idiots and I married their King.
Men – save your breath for your inflatable dolls.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Miser – a hard person to live with but makes a fine ancestor.

Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Money does buy happiness – give me $20 and I will smile.
Money isn't everything... but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Montana - At least the cows are sane!

MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

The more I know about women, the more I like my truck.
The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Most effective way to remember your wife's birthday: forget it once.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.

My daughter turned down your honor student!
My Church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.
My dog can lick anyone.
My favourite colour is chocolate.
My freedom is more important than your good idea.
My Goddess Gave Birth To Your God.
My greatest fear if there's no such thing as PMS and this is really your personality.
My hockey Mom can beat up your soccer Mom.
My job is so secret – even I don’t know what it is.
My Karma just ran over my Dogma.
My kid beat up your honour student.
My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.
My other bumper sticker is funny.
My other car is a broom.
My other car is a pair of boots.
My other car is a piece of crap too!
My other car is a UFO.
My other car is also a Mercedes.
My other car is also a piece of junk.
My other car is Trudy, and she's right behind you!
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird.
My reality cheque just bounced.
My Shetland sheepdog is smarter than your honour student.
My state bird is the finger.
My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her - or something like that.
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.

Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
Never cut what you can untie.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
Never judge a girl by her bumper sticker.
Never moon a werewolf.
Never play leapfrog with a Unicorn.
Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind.
Never sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Never take investment advice from someone who’s working.
Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Never try to teach a pig to sing, You waste your time and only annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

Next time wave all of your fingers.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

No hand signals - the driver of this vehicle is a convicted Arab shoplifter.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No radio - Already stolen.
No sense in being pessimistic – it wouldn’t work anyway.

Nobody’s perfect – I’m a nobody.

Nonconformists are all alike.

Not all dumbs are blonde.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Not tonight, dear – I have a modem.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing is impossible for those who don’t have to do it.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by central heating.
Now that you’re on my ass, wanna get married?

Nurses call all the shots.

Objects in the mirror are dumber than they appear.

Of All The Things I've Lost I Miss My Mind The Most.
Of course you’re faster, but I’m driving in front of you.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality cheque?

Old musicians don't die - they just decompose.
Old programmers never die - they just give up their resources.
Old soldiers never die - just their privates.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Only substitute for good manners: fast reflexes.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

Orgasm Donor.

Our drinking team has a hockey problem.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Owing to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.

Palindromes date all the way back to Eve.

Parachute For Sale. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Paraplegics: stand up for your rights.

P.E.T.A. - People Eating Tasty Animals.
P.E.T.A. - People for the Ethical Termination of Antihunters.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Please don’t hit me – my lawyer’s in jail.
Please God, answer my prayers... Please steal this car.

Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites).

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Procrastinate NOW.

The proctologist called… they found your head.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

Reality bites – and I have the teeth marks to prove it.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Rehab Is for Quitters.

Religion: Insurance in this world against fire in the next.

Relish today. Ketchup tomorrow.

REMEMBER: 155 MPH Saves Lives!

Remember to use all fingers when waving at a policeman.
Repeal the law of gravity.

Revenue Canada: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

The rich get richer. The poor get babies.

The road to success is always under construction.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, And so am I.

Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd-shaped balls.
RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user.

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Save a horse – ride a cowboy.
Save a tree – eat a beaver.
Save California. When you leave, take someone with you.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save the whales. Harpoon a Fat Chick.
Save Water. Drink Beer.

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on earth. Does anybody want mine?

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending - and have the two as close together as possible.

Security is a game but the final goal is never reached.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Sex discrimination hotline - switchboard manned 24 hours.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Ship Happens.

Shotgun in rack is loaded.

The shop called yesterday - your brain is ready.

The Shortest Sentence Is "I Am." The Longest Is "I Do".

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Shut up, Get in and Hang On!
Shut up, Get out and Start Pushing!

Since using your shampoo, my hair has come alive. Medusa.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface.

Smoke dope, dodge the draft, cheat on your wife, become President... it's the new American way.
Smoke dynamite and really blow your mind!

So few Richards, so many Dicks.

So Many Cats, So Few Recipes.
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
So many recipes, so few cats.
So many stupid people, so few comets.
So you're a feminist... isn't that precious.

Socialism - the equal distribution of poverty.

Some girls shrink from sex. Others get bigger... and bigger...
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people "Everybody But Me."

Someone found dynamite in the dictionary.

Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

Somewhere in Texas there's a village missing an idiot.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Sorry, I got lost in thought. It's unfamiliar territory.
Sorry if I look interested - I'm not!
Sorry, you are not a winner. No use trying again.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope).

Soy kills.

The speed of time is one second per second.

SPIT HAPPENS (sign on baby's bib)

Spotted owls taste just like chicken.

Stay Alert. Stay Awake. Stay Alive.

Stop Global Whining.
Stop illitrissy now!
Stop inbreeding! Ban country music.
Stop repeat offenders – don’t reelect them.

Straight is something crooked that was bent.

Stress - when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Suburbia – where they tear out the trees and then name the streets after them.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Suicide - the most sincere form of self criticism.
Suicide Hotline... Please hold.

Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor.
Support mental health or I'll kill you.
Support Women's Lib - make him sleep in the damp patch.
Support your local Search & Rescue - GET LOST.
Support your local undertaker – drop dead.
Sure, you can trust the government - Just ask an Indian!

Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll.
Take Milk of Amnesia - when you need to forget.
Take my advice - I don't use it anyway.
Take Revenge - Crap on a Pigeon.
Take Your Ex Out Tonight (One Bullet Oughta Do It)
Take your time, but hurry.
Tapeworms reach the parts that even Heineken cannot reach.

Tardis Express: When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Get There Before You Send It.

Taxation with representation isn’t so great either.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Tell me to "STUFF IT" - I'm a taxidermist.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

The best things in life are duty-free.
The earth is full - go home.
The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name
The name is Baud... James Baud.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

There are 2 ways to argue with a woman… neither one works.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are only 2 choices on the menu: take it or leave it.
There is no gravity – the earth sucks.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There's nothing wrong with California that the San Andreas fault can't cure.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.

The Rev. Charles Spurgeon departed for heaven at 6:30 AM today - 10:45 AM. Not yet arrived. Getting anxious. Peter.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Think this looks bad? You should see the front.

This car is constipated – hasn’t passed a thing all day.
This car is like my husband: if it ain’t yours, don’t touch it!
This day was a total waste of makeup.
This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
This Is Not An Abandoned Vehicle.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
This isn't Burger King - you can't have it your way.
This truck has been in 15 accidents and hasn’t lost one yet.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Three of my fingers are willing to write, but my thumb and forefinger are opposed.

Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human. To forgive is simply not our policy.
To err is human. To moo is bovine.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Today’s subliminal message is:

Trust in God but lock your car.

The truth is out there. Anyone know the URL?

Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.

Troopers are your yeast infection.

Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.

Try not to let your mind wander… It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Two rules for success: #1. Never tell all you know.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Uncle Sid died of asbestosis. It took us three months to cremate him.
Under the English legal system you are innocent until proven to be Irish.
Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

U.S. Marine Corps.- Everything destroyed in 30 minutes or the next one's free!

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'shut up'.

Vegetarian – Indian word for lousy hunter.
Vegetarians go to non-meatings.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Virgin Conversion, Mobile Unit.
Virgin exterminator - please enter.

Virus scanner: "Windows" found. Remove? (Y)

Want a taste of religion? Bite a Minister.
Want to be a somebody? Don’t drive after drinking.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

Was Handel a crank?
Was today really necessary?

The way to get things done is not to care who gets the honour.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
We got our dumb reputation from the brunettes who dyed their hair.
We have enough youth - how about a fountain of smart?
Wear short sleeves - support your right to bare arms!
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.

We’re born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

Welders have hotter rods.

What could Scooby do?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
What part of http:/ www.kissmyass.com don't you understand?
What part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
What would men be without women?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
What's another word for 'Thesaurus'?
What's the speed of dark?
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt – just in case heaven is like Canada Revenue.
When you're not looking, this is written in Spanish.
Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Whisper my favourite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Who died and made you Darth Vader?
Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?
Who is "they" anyway?
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Who said beer won’t make you smarter? It made Bud wiser.
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why Are You Staring At My Bumper!? You Pervert!
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why experiment with animals with so many lawyers out there?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why is the alphabet in that order?

Wink – I’ll do the rest.

Witches are crafty people.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Women's libbers should all be put behind bras.

Work Harder - Millions On Welfare Depend On You!

Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

Workaholics Anonymous: THANK GOD IT'S MONDAY!

Worry – God knows all about you.

Worship me and we’ll get along just fine.

Would somebody please poke holes in the top of my jar.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging to market reproductive organs.

Yes, this is my truck. No, I won’t help you move.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
You can fool some of the people all the time – those are the ones to concentrate on.
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
You can't be first, but you could be next.
You can’t be late until you show up.
You can't go wrong with me, but you're welcome to try.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You! Off my planet!
You should just say no to drugs. That will drive the prices down.
You show the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist.

You'll get what's coming to you - unless they mailed it.

The young know the rules. The old know the exceptions.

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

Your kid may be an honours student, but you're still an idiot.

Your lucky number is 31,426,743,124,387,217. Watch for it everywhere.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

You're only young once. You can be immature forever.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.