hUMOR ForFeb 22nd

Napoleon's Wife

A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power – everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

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"Winter in Minnesota"

It's winter in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour
At 52 below!

Oh, how I love Minnesota
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Minnesota,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.

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Oneliner

"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money." - David Richerby

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CleanPun - "Stocking Purchase"

Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the clerk, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife."

The clerk asks, "Sheer?"

The man replies "No. She's in another store."

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Cupcake Container

I don't know about you, but there is not much I find more embarrassing than to break for lunch after a high stakes business meeting only to exhibit weakness by pulling a smushed cupcake out of my lunch bag. It can be a deal breaker for sure. Or just imagine the poor guy who has a beautiful picnic planned for the girl of his dreams. The plan? Why, to enjoy a wonderful lunch in the shade of a beautiful oak tree, then set dessert out and then pop the question! He asks romantically, she looks at the ring and then down at the squashed cupcakes waiting on the styrofoam plate and shakes her head an incredulous no. Surely this cannot be the father of her children. Messed up cupcakes - the bain of the civilized world. Who knows what new planets we could have conquered long ago if only the dilemma of transporting them without messing up their sprinkles could be solved. Take heart, the cupcake container is here. Mars, here we come!

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”Natural Cure”

While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.

When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.

I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."

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Menu Planning Tip to Reduce Stress

I have changed my system for labelling homemade freezer meals. I used
to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast"
or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what
he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things.
So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels.
You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever,"
"Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or
"Food." My frustration is reduced because no matter what my husband
replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it will
be there waiting.

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Physicist on Valentine's Day

Every Friday after work, a physicist goes down to the ice

cream parlor, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the

last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl, who isn't there,

if he can buy her an ice cream cone. The owner, who is used

to the weird local university types, always shrugs but keeps

quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the physicist

makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space,

curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "I apologize

for my stupid question, but surely you know there is NEVER a

woman sitting in that last stool, man. Why do you persist in

offering ice cream to an empty space?"

The physicist replies, "Well, according to quantum physics,

empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come

into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when

the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might

suddenly appear there."

The owner raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But

couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every

Friday if you could buy HER a cone? Never know -- she might

say yes."

The physicist laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to

happen?"

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Things to Ponder

- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence?

- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say

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Deer Hunting

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

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Matches

You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook...how do you get out?

Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...Your Out!

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Tings You Can Learn From Your Dog

- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

- When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.

- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

- Take naps and stretch before rising.

- Run, romp, and play daily.

- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

- Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.

- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

- Be loyal.

- Never pretend to be something you're not.

- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

hUMOR For Feb 21st

THE OLD GOLFER

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

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"A new government study has found that the average American

car weighs five-hundred pounds more than it did ten years

ago. However, this is only true if an average American is

sitting in the car." --Conan O'Brien

***

"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,

doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates

because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that

cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you

see a guy on a ledge, about to jump... throw him a dough-

nut." --Jay Leno

***

"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know

you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your

group is Arnold Schwarzenegger." --Jimmy Kimmel

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I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly

dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her

white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with

a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains,

I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've

had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

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One day a mother was out and the dad was in charge. The

little one was maybe one and a half years old. Someone had

given her a little tea set as a gift and it was one ofher

favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news

when she brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was

just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy

tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room

to watch the toddler bring him a cup of tea, because it was

'just the cutest thing!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, here comes baby down the hall

with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it

up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place

that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

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Valentine's Day Oneliners

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

Hogs and kisses!

What would you get if you crossed Odie with the god of love?

A stupid cupid!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?

It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

"I'm sweet on you!"

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?

A hug and a quiche!

What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?

Desperate!

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Olive.

Olive who?

Olive you!

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?

"I love you a ton!"

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

"You're fun to hang around with."

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?

He fell in love with a pincushion!

What did the pencil say to the paper?

"I dot my i's on you!"

Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."

Jon: "Really?"

Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?

She didn't suit his taste!

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Did They Really Mean That?

The following are actual newspaper headlines:

- March Planned For Next August

- L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide

- Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through

- Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

- President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

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God and the Scientist

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,

"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

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Accident

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

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What Kind of Tracks

Two boys go out on a walk. One looks down and said, "look at those, those are deer tracks my dad told me about them."

The second boy says no those are elk tracks, my dad told me about them. Then the first boy says, "No those are deer tracks."

The second boy says, "NO those are elk tracks."

One hour later they were run over by a train.

hUMOR For Feb 20th

Pet Fish
Fishin' with city slickers - a flash in the pan!

Bubba was stopped by a game Warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game Warden asked Bubba, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
“Naw, sir”, replied Bubba. “I ain't got no fishin' license. But you gotta understand something - these fish here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?”

“Yeah. Every night, I takes these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jumps right back into the ice chest here and I takes 'em home.”

“That's a bunch of horse crap! Fish can't do that.”

Bubba looked at the game Warden intently for a moment and then said, “I swear it's the truth, Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.”

“O.K.,” said the Warden. “I've got to see this!”

Bubba poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the Warden said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” asked Bubba.

The Warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH!' yelled the Warden!”

“What fish?” asked Bubba.

Moral of the story: We may not all be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't all as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want to about the South, but you ain't never heard of anyone retiring and moving up North...

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Pregnant Fireman
Little Johnny's a ladder day saint?
Fire-ing on all cylinders

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.

Little Johnny replied, “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don't you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said Little Johnny confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

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My Brother Vern

Vern was driving to work, his teaching job he never works, when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passers by pulled him from the wreck and revived him.

Vern began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.

Later, when Vern was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

Vern said, "I remembered the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign.

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My son, Bunyan, is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a

scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold

on the way down. He received only minor scratches.

Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. The he

noticed his co-workers holding up hastily made signs reading 9.6, 9.8 and

9.4.

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A friend of mine found a way to reduce the high costs of parking tickets at

the University. He discovered that when in a pinch for a parking space, the

fine for parking on the grass is much less than parking in faculty parking.

He also found that he could "re-use" a ticket by putting it back under his

windshield the next time he parked.

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"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy

something." - Jackie Mason

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The next time Dan dials my phone number he’ll get the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank You for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes. "
******************************************************
Just one in life, Dan aspires to perspire before he expires.
******************************************I
Dan’s wife and he had words, but she didn't get to use hers.
*******************************************************
Dan gets frustrated trying to find his glasses without his glasses.
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Blessed is the Dan who can take without remembering, and give without forgetting.
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The irony of life is that, by the time Dan was old enough to know his way around, he was to disabled to gong anywhere.

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God made Dan before woman so he would have time to think of an answer for her first question.
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For Dan every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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A Redneck Valentine...

Collards is green,

my dog's name is Blue

and I'm so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze.

Softer than Blue's

and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,

which excite me in May.

You ain't got no scales

but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry

jist a-fry'n in the pan.

Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"

right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,

for which I am proud;

I hold my head high

when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,

when you shave under yore arms,

well, I'm in hawg heaven,

and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,

they all want to know,

what I did to deserve

such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yo're there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles

and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin' overhead.

You ain't mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete;

Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin'.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentine's Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger.

"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever,"

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these won't do.

Cause yor'e too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds...

IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor romeo

anon.

hUMOR For Feb 19th

Library Order

A lady walks into a building and says to the clerk, " I'd like a cheeseburger, a drink, and fries."

The clerk says, "This is a library."

Then the lady whispers, "Sorry, I'd like a cheeseburger, a drink and fries.

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Work Motivators

- The beatings will continue until morale improves.

- Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

- We waste time, so you don't have to.

- Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

- Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

- A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

- INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

- Succeed in spite of management.

- Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

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The Name Game

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

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Strange Facts

"The first coast-to-coast telephone line was established in 1914."

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The Marriage Fairy

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

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Fitness Class

Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an

aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled

with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness

with humor.

"I'm here to do my postnatal exercises."

The instructor gave me an appraising look. "How old is your

baby?"

"Twenty-six," I replied.

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Jump Start

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died
because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to
work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand
to start the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas
guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed
out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it
needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine,
hoped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming and wondering, "What can she be doing?" A minute
passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at
about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear
with my directions.

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What NOT To Give Her For Valentines Day

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to

hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2. Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high

fiber" on the label.

3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.

4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a

mortuary's.

5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from

the harder side of Sears.

6. A gift certificate.

7. Cash.

8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station

mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

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Irish Capital

Do you know why there is so many people living in Ireland?

It’s because the population in the capital is always Dublin.

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Poppop's Nose

The other day my five year old grandson was lounging on my lap.

* Him: "Poppop, you have hair in your nose."
* Me: "Everybody has hair in their nose."
* Him: "But you have a lot of hair in your nose."
* Me: "Well, it's not growing on top of my head very well. I have to grow it somewhere."
* Him: (thoughtful pause) "Do you want me to pull some of it out for you?"

I declined the offer.

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Important Lesson

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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Hillbilly Silence

Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town.

"How're thangs with y'all, Pete?" one asked.

"Not bad atall," Pete replied. "My old woman ain't talkin' sto me thiseyer week...and I ain't in no mood to interrupt her."

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"Fashion Week this week. Hillary Clinton was wearing her

strapless pantsuit." -David Letterman

***

"Last week, prison guards had to use tear gas to break up

prison riots in New Jersey. When the tear gas didn't work,

the guards sprayed the prisoners with New Jersey air."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"Happy birthday to Gary Coleman. He turns 40! It seems like

just yesterday he was only this tall." -Craig Ferguson

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Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for

a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the in-

evitable answer.

"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter

if you're on the ground or in the air."

"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that

far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."

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Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who

had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late

in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down

on my veranda for a few hours and relax.

In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad,

fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon

boating or playing golf or tennis...

When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the

finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my

veranda again."

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be

envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She

asked, "What's his wife's name?"

Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."

hUMOR For Feb18th

Artist Competition

Bob: Hey, Bill did you hear about the artists who held a competition?

Bill: No? How did it turn out?

Bob: It was a draw.

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'X' Marks the Spot

Paul and Jim decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits.

Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes.

Paul said, "Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come."

Jim says, "Good idea," and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat to mark the spot.

With that paul says, "Why did you do that? Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish!"

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Where Did You Start?

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.

He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."

He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

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Consultaton Fee

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

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An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his

daughter's hand in marriage.

The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor."

The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me

perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?"

So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor,

"You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter.

You're no actor."

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We needed a new car, and I went to a local dealer with a long list of

requirements. "It must be inexpensive," I told the salesman, "but big enough

to transport eight Wolf Cubs and all their camping equipment. It has to have

lots of headroom. I don't want air conditioning because I like to feel

natural breezes. And I'm not concerned about horse-power or a smooth ride."

The salesman gazed at me intently. "The covered wagon no longer exists,

ma'am."

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I had a life once. Now I have a computer and a modem.

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Termite Bar

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

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Materialistic Lawyer

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

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Growing Older Is

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- A fortune teller offers to read your face.

- You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

- You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.

- You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".

- You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."

- You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.

- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.

- You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.

- You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

- The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.

- The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.

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Three times Three

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replys the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

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"Britney Spears was released from the hospital psychiatric

ward today. Authorities are warning all citizens in Los

Angeles to remain in their homes." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Happy Chinese New Year! It's the year of the rat. Who knew

it would coincide with an election year." -David Letterman

***

"It costs me 65 bucks to fill up my car today. Remember when

65 bucks would buy you a large latte at Starbucks?" -Jay Leno

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Last October, after much deliberation, I bought a magnolia

tree from our local nursery. After only a few weeks I noticed

that the leaves had started to shrivel and the tree appeared

to be on its last legs in spite of my tender care.

So I took some leaf samples and marched back to the nursery

to demand an explanation or get my money back.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the

manager.

"Good!" I exclaimed. "What's it suffering from?"

You can imagine how stupid I felt when he said, "Autumn."

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While hiking in the country, my friend Eve and I spotted a

huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered

a large basketful and sauteed them that night. My husband

Phil refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous.

Two weeks later, Eve and I gathered some more mushrooms.

This time, Phil joined us.

"How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight," I

asked, "when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home two

weeks ago? What changed your mind?"

"I thought about it," Phil explained seriously, "and I

figured it would be better to be found dead with you two

than to try to explain two dead women in my home."

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Bottomed Out

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

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Marriage Counseling

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."