Pet Fish
Fishin' with city slickers - a flash in the pan!
Bubba was stopped by a game Warden in
The game Warden asked Bubba, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
“Naw, sir”, replied Bubba. “I ain't got no fishin' license. But you gotta understand something - these fish here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?”
“Yeah. Every night, I takes these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jumps right back into the ice chest here and I takes 'em home.”
“That's a bunch of horse crap! Fish can't do that.”
Bubba looked at the game Warden intently for a moment and then said, “I swear it's the truth, Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.”
“O.K.,” said the Warden. “I've got to see this!”
Bubba poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the Warden said, “Well?”
“Well, what?” asked Bubba.
The Warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH!' yelled the Warden!”
“What fish?” asked Bubba.
Moral of the story: We may not all be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't all as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want to about the South, but you ain't never heard of anyone retiring and moving up North...
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Pregnant Fireman
Little Johnny's a ladder day saint?
Fire-ing on all cylinders
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.
Little Johnny replied, “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don't you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure,” said Little Johnny confidently. “It means carrying a child.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My Brother Vern
Vern was driving to work, his teaching job he never works, when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passers by pulled him from the wreck and revived him.
Vern began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.
Later, when Vern was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.
Vern said, "I remembered the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My son, Bunyan, is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a
scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold
on the way down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. The he
noticed his co-workers holding up hastily made signs reading 9.6, 9.8 and
9.4.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A friend of mine found a way to reduce the high costs of parking tickets at
the University. He discovered that when in a pinch for a parking space, the
fine for parking on the grass is much less than parking in faculty parking.
He also found that he could "re-use" a ticket by putting it back under his
windshield the next time he parked.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy
something." - Jackie Mason
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The next time Dan dials my phone number he’ll get the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but Thank You for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes. "
******************************************************
Just one in life, Dan aspires to perspire before he expires.
******************************************I
Dan’s wife and he had words, but she didn't get to use hers.
*******************************************************
Dan gets frustrated trying to find his glasses without his glasses.
********************************************************
Blessed is the Dan who can take without remembering, and give without forgetting.
*********************************************************
The irony of life is that, by the time Dan was old enough to know his way around, he was to disabled to gong anywhere.
********************************************************
God made Dan before woman so he would have time to think of an answer for her first question.
**********************************************************
For Dan every morning is the dawn of a new error.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Redneck Valentine...
Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
Luv, from yor romeo
anon.