hUMOR For Feb 6th

Modeling

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said "but that won't work on me."

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he insisted.

"Really?" she said, softening. "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase..."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Rejection From Satan

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Jean Squeeze

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when
she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the
added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband,
"Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"In the movies, Sylvester Stallone is Rambo again. Like

everyone else, he's older. Now when he gets dropped behind

enemy lines he says, 'What did I come here for?'"

-David Letterman

***

"Food addicts are the people I feel sorriest for because

that's really hard. You need to eat. You don't need to do

drugs. Very hard for these people to quit. "I'm going cold

turkey... mmmmm turkey. Do not think about food... do not

think about food... do not... nuts..." -Craig Ferguson

***

"According to a survey by nationwide mutual insurance, 2

percent of people actually shave while they're driving. They

shave! How many guys would like to be in the car with those

women?" --Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

As the owner of an old clunker, I was used to dealing with

a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket,

just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed

a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I

knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of

action.

When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the pro-

blem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis.

When he came back in, he was smiling. "It's apple juice," he

said.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours

was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski

mask come hurling headfirst through the window.

"What on earth are you up to? What happened?!" he demanded.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of

the brick."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Accident Report

Because I was processing my first accident report at the

transport company where I worked, I was being particularly

attentive.

The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was

a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was

broken, however, when I reached the section of the report

that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"

The driver had put, "Full gallop."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

From a Child's Mouth...

Several years ago, when I lived in New York and flew to customer sites often, my wife would usually drop me off at Newark (N.J.) airport and pick me up when I returned. On one trip, I was only going to be gone for a few days, so I drove myself, and parked the car at Newark.

When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at night. I wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort of my wife and my own bed. When I arrived, the storm was very loud, with crashing thunder and Severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children, Alex (3) and Cindy (12), in bed with my wife, Carolyn, apparently scared by the loud storm.

I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Points to Ponder

- The Bill of Rights (Void where prohibited by law)

- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

- A fool and his mone can throw one heck of a party.

- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

- Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Losing a wife/husband can be hard. In my case it was darn near impossible.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Life of a Government Worker

- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

- When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.

- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you to excel."

- Training is something spoken about but never seen.

- Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

- No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.

- Change is the norm.

- Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.

- The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.

- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

- You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Think About It

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

- If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

hUMOR For Feb 5th

"Murphy's Laws for Parents"

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"According to a recent study, there is a very high level of

mercury in tuna in Manhattan. One supermodel eats so much

sushi, she is working as a thermometer." -David Letterman

***

"Boy did it rain last night. Over 3 inches of Pelligrino

fell in Beverly Hills last night." -Jay Leno

***

"The government is trying to give the economy a boost. They

are giving us a rebate check. I think it is very nice of

them to give us our own money back." -Jimmy Kimmel

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

After a recent move, I made up a list of companies, agencies,

and services that needed to know my new address and phoned

each one to ask for the change to be made.

Everything went smoothly until I called one of my frequent

flier accounts. After I explained to the representative what

I wanted to do, the woman told me, "I'm sorry; we can't do

that over the phone. You will have to fill out our change-of-

address form."

"How do I get one of those?" I asked.

"We'd be happy to provide you with one," she said pleasantly.

"May I have your new address so that I can mail it to you?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Contemporary Latin Phrases:

"Domino vobiscum."

(The pizza guy is here.)

"Auda similarum ad seattles."

(They all sound just like Pearl Jam.)

"Sharpei diem."

(Seize the wrinkled dog.)

"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."

(Remove foil before microwaving.)

"Il guyus nissanem iste ickye."

(That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)

"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum."

(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)

"Motorolus interruptus."

(Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)

"Veni, vidi, Pesci."

(I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.)

"Revelare Pecunia!"

(Show Me The Money!)

"Sic semper tyrannus."

(Your dinosaur is ill.)

"No Quid Pro Quo."

(I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)

"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."

(It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro"

(I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

"Et tu, pluribus unum?"

(The government just stabbed me in the back!)

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Rejected Greeting Cards

You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.

You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

It's So True

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

- Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!

- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- The trouble with life is there's no background music.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

You Know You Work for the Government If...

- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.

- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.

- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.

- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.

- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.

- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.

- It's dark when you drive to and from work.

- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Get Me One Too

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning".

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister".

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Football Newby

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.

Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing

each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

hUMOR For Feb4th

No Eared Interview

A guy walks in for his interview. The man who's interviewing him has no ears.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "Whatever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears. He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on."

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Things Mom Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX... "How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."

and my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.. then you'll see what it's like."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Simple Prank

Simply get a new bar of soap and paint it with clear nail varnish.

Let it dry and place it out to be used.

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The Exam

A student reported for the University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

The student takes a seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes out a coin, starts flipping it and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Using this inspired technique, within half an hour the student is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, the student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what's going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour," the student replies, "But, I'm rechecking my answers!!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

HOW TRUE!!?

John Jones started the day early having set his alarm clock

(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA )

was perking, he shaved with his electric razor

(MADE IN HONG KONG ).

He put on a dress shirt

(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),

designer jeans

(MADE IN SINGAPORE )

and tennis shoes

(MADE IN KOREA

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet

(MADE IN INDIA )

he sat down with his calculator

(MADE IN MEXICO )

to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch

(MADE IN TAIWAN )

listening to the radio

(MADE IN INDIA )

he got in his car

(MADE IN GERMANY )

filled it with GAS

(from Saudi Arabia )

and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his

Computer

(Made In Malaysia ),

John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals

(MADE IN BRAZIL )

poured himself a glass of wine

(MADE IN FRANCE )

and turned on his

TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ),

and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job

in AMERICA!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Church Feud

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of the Hicksville Branch.

It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "Dedicating Yourselves to Service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be moved".

Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor
put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "Giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All".

By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built.

A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his
sermon on "The Sin of Gossiping." Would you believe the Choir Director selected the song: "I Love To Tell The Story"?

There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight"?

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor
resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led
him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We
Have In Jesus."

hUMOR For Feb 3rd

On A Serious Note:

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!

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Laws of Cartoon Motion

"I KNOW this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law!"
-Bugs Bunny, High Diving Hare (1949)

1. ANY BODY SUSPENDED IN SPACE WILL REMAIN SUSPENDED IN SPACE UNTIL
MADE AWARE OF ITS SITUATION.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
loiters flippantly until he chances to look down. At this point the
familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes precedence.

2. ANY BODY IN MOTION WILL TEND TO REMAIN IN MOTION UNTIL SOLID
MATTER INTERVENES SUDDENLY.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination the stooge's surcease.

3. ANY BODY PASSING THROUGH SOLID MATTER WILL LEAVE A PERFORATION
CONFORMING TO ITS PERIMETER.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
specialty of victims of direct pressure explosions and reckless
cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
the wall of a house.

4. THE TIME REQUIRED FOR AN OBJECT TO FALL 20 STORIES IS GREATER THAN
OR EQUAL TO THE TIME IT TAKES FOR WHOEVER KNOCKED IT OFF THE LEDGE TO
SPIRAL DOWN 20 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE IT UNBROKEN.
Such an object is inevitably priceless; the attempt to catch it,
inevitably unsuccessful.

5. ALL PRINCIPLES OF GRAVITY ARE NEGATED BY FEAR.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
them away from the surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's
signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a
chandelier, a treetop or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a
running character or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
the ground, ergo fleeing turns to flight.

6. AS SPEED INCREASES OBJECTS CAN BE SEEN IN SEVERAL DIFFERENT PLACES AT ONCE.
This is particularly true in tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be seen emerging from a cloud of altercation at
several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among
bodies that are spinning or being throttled, and simulates our own
vision's trailing retention of images. A "wacky" character has the
option of self-replication only at maniac-high speeds and may
ricochet off the walls to achieve the velocity required for
self-mass-liberation.

7. CERTAIN BODIES CAN PASS THROUGH A SOLID WALL PAINTED TO RESEMBLE A
TUNNEL ENTRANCE, OTHERS CANNOT.
This tompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at
least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface
to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this
theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he
attempts to pursue into the painting. This is ultimately a problem
of art, not science.

8. NECESSITY PLUS WILL PROVOKES SPONTANEOUS GENERATION.
Dangerously palpable objects - such as mallets, dynamite, pies and
alluring female attire - can be manifested from what might previously
have been considered "thin" air, but only when the friction of
immediate jeopardy makes the object's appearance imperative. The
controversial "pocket" theory suggests these objects are drawn from
unseen recesses of a character's costume, or from a storehouse
immediately off-screen, but this merely defers the question of how
any absolutely apt object is instantaneously available.

9. ANY VIOLENT REARRANGEMENT OF FELINE MATTER IS IMPERMANENT.
Cartoon cats possess more deaths than even the traditional nine
lives afford. They can be sliced, splayed, accordion-pleated or
disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of
blinking self-pity, they re-inflate, elongate, snap back or solidify.

10. FOR EVERY VENGEANCE, THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REVENGEANCE.
This is one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
watching it happen to a duck instead.

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Angry Neighbor

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his neighbor storms out of the house straight to the mailbox, opens it, slams it shut and storms back in.

A little later the neighbor storms out and does the exact same thing again, before storming back in even more red-faced.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, out the neighbor comes again, marches to the mail box, opens it before slamming it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by the neighbor's actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

"There certainly is!" the neighbor replied. "My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "Watch", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "F'gosh sakes, you idiot, it's 2am in the blankety-blank morning!"

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Makes You Think

- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

- I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

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The Getaway

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.

Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself, for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

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Why Teenagers, Like, Like 'Like'

"So we were all, like, hanging out. And then this guy comes over and starts, like, hassling us. Then he's all like, 'Get outta here!' And we were all, like, 'This is public property.'"

People write me all the time to complain about teenagers' talking like this. "Why does every other word have to be 'like'?" they ask. "It's a filler," they write, "a verbal tic like 'um' and 'you know.' It's monotonous and mindless."

Monotonous it may be, but it's hardly mindless. In fact, teenagers use "like" to impart subtle nuances and convey the emotional essence of events.

As linguist Geoffrey Nunberg points out in his fascinating book "Going Nucular" (PublicAffairs, $18.95), peppering sentences with "like" emerged in the slang of jazz musicians and beatniks during the 1950s. The word "like," he writes, "didn't actually mean anything so much as it evoked, the way a jazz riff does."

Because "like" implies comparison, it distances speakers from their words, reflecting casualness and even a mistrust of words' ability to fully convey an event or idea. Phrases such as "we were all, like, hanging out" and "starts, like, hassling us" suggest that "hanging out" and "hassling us" don't fully capture the events described, but provide the general idea.

Similarly, Nunberg observes, "like" can be used to finesse a request ("Could I, like, stay at your place?"); express disbelief ("So you're, like, firing me?"); and soft-pedal a suggestion ("We should consider, like, moving.")

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During the 1980s, teenagers started using "like" in a new way: to introduce quotations, as an apparent synonym for "said," as in, "We were all, like, 'This is public property.''

But here's the catch: "Like" doesn't really mean "said."

For when teenagers say, "He was all, like, 'Get outta' here!'" they don't necessarily mean those were the speaker's exact words. They mean that what follows is an approximation of the tone of what he said. In fact, he may not have said anything but simply grunted and chased them away.

In this context, "like" is being used to introduce a brief imitation of the person's behavior. That's why the words following "like" are often accompanied by a physical gesture such as waving arms or a clenched fist.

But will all these fancy explanations stop adults from waving their arms and clenching their fists when they hear teenagers sprinkle their sentences with "like"?

I wouldn't, like, count on it.

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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

hUMOR For Feb 2nd

Here's one I bet you didn't know. Laughing can kill you.

It's called Fatal Hilarity (I'm not making this stuff up).

It's not very common. One of the more recent cases occurred

in 1975. Alex Mitchell, a 50-year-old bricklayer from King's

Lynn, England, literally died laughing while watching an

episode of The Goodies.

According to his wife, who was a witness, Mitchell was unable

to stop laughing while watching a sketch in the episode 'Kung

Fu Kapers' in which Tim Brooke-Taylor, dressed as a kilted

Scotsman, used a set of bagpipes to defend himself from a

psychopathic black pudding (once again...I'm not kidding).

After twenty-five minutes of continuous laughter Mitchell

finally slumped on the sofa and expired from heart failure.

His widow later sent the Goodies a letter thanking them for

making Mitchell's final moments so pleasant.

At this point I am obligated to point out that neither Clean

Laffs nor Clean Laffs Joe (AKA Cecil Merriweather) is legally

liable for any deaths resulting from reading this publication.

If you have a heart condition you are recommended to stop

reading now.

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"There are two kinds of people who never amount to much:

those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can

do nothing else." -Cyrus Curtis

***

"I never guess. It is a capital mistake to theorize before

one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit

theories, instead of theories to suit facts."

-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

***

"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes

for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be

learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at

least, others can learn from." -Al Franken

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"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Jennifer has been most

difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.

Well, you know how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me.

I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who

would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry

her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her?

All right."

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the

next room: "Jennifer, your mother wants to talk to you!"

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While doing renovations in our house, one of the workmen

paused to look at a flattering photo of me wearing makeup

and a fancy gown. I heard him let out a low whistle and

ask my son, Joshua, "Who's that?"

"That's my mom," Joshua answered. "Wow," the man said, "my

mother doesn't look like that."

"Yeah," my son said, "well, neither does mine."

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Sermon Message

Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade

children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity

and importance of this sacrament.

Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in

the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally,

unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the

lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that

one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right

now!"

Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front...

and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised

priest in the middle of his sermon!

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Truisms

- Always give 100% at work - 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday

- For Sale - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

- One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

- Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software.

- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

- West Virginia ..... Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

- Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?

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With a Little Help From Our Friends

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.

After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

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Signs You're Part of the Modern Age

- You try to enter your password on the microwave.

- You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

- Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

- You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

- Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

- Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

- You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

- Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

- You hear most of your jokes via ezines instead of in person.

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Government Workers Reality

- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

- "One 'Oh Spit' wipes out years of 'Atta Boys'" are words to live by.

- You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.

- Appearance is more important than substance.

- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

- There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to prepare a briefing on it.

- Art involves a white board and dry markers.

- The suspense you were just assigned was late when you received it and you are required to justify why.

- Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.

- Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and co-equals sitting right on the other side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem.

- You know and everyone that works with you knows your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating.

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Fifty-Five

Two men were sitting at a bar one day. They ordered their drinks and sat at the bar for a while. Suddenly, they both stood up, slapped hands, and yelled, "Fifty-five!" The bartender was pretty confused but just decided to ignore them.

About five or ten minutes later, they both stood up again, slapped hands, and yelled, "Fifty-five!" Again the bartender just decided to ignore them.

Ten minutes later they followed the same routine. By now the bartender was getting pretty annoyed, so he went over and asked, "Why do you guys keep standing up and yelling fifty-five?"

One of them said, "Well, today after work we decided to work on a puzzle. On the side of the box it said 2 to 4 years, but we got it done in fifty-five minutes!"

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Strange Fact

"In Utah, birds have the right of way on any public highway."

hUMOR For Feb 1st

Pondering the Imponderable

- What was the best thing before sliced bread?

- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

- How is it possible to have a civil war?

- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

- If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

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Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.

The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that that was good.

The chemist said that his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

They all agreed that that was the most impressive of all.

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"He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel

in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head

with a mallet" -Fred Allen

***

"I took a course in speed reading and was able to read 'War

and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's about Russia."

-Woody Allen

***

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to

99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

-Joe Weinstein

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The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced

to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had

twins!"

The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who

do they look like?"

The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."

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Chatting with my mother-in-law I asked, "Have you heard of

this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one

and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"

"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to

the phrase 'family jewels.'"

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A Wise School Teacher

A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first

day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says

happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he

says happens at home."

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I’m Passing

A Wise School Teacher

A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first

day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says

happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he

says happens at home."

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16 COMMON COMMENTS MADE BY POLICE IN ORDER OF FREQUENCY.

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while.'

14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document.'

13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS.....

1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here.'

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Tattoos

When my brother-in-law was on leave from the Navy, he brought home a
heavily tattooed friend.

We all sat down to Sunday lunch and my four-year-old nephew couldn't
take his eyes off the man's colorful arms.

Curiosity finally got the better of him. Politely, he asked the
visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"

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Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the
ladies who bake for church events

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake
was horribly disfigured. she said, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake."

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new
church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom-a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then
covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked
perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice
woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake
had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified-she was beside herself.

Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and
would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose the fact Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of
her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a
prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."