hMOR For Jan 23rd

One day a salesman stopped by a farm, knocked, and the farmer's wife came to the door.

"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.

"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn." she said.

"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"

"Shouldn't have any difficulties. He's the one with the beard and mustache."

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"Kitchen Help"

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL! MORE OIL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE OIL! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP! ARE YOU CRAZY! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL! USE MORE SALT! THE SALT!!"

The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted you to know what it's like for me when I am driving the car and you're sitting next to me."

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CleanQuote

"When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying."

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Illustration - "Perspective"

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

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GOLFING

Dan is 90 years old.

He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That’s it", he tells his wife.

"I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad .... once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and pours him a cold drink.

As they sit down she says, "Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That’s no good" sighs Dan. "Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Dan heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to his brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Dan.

"I can’t remember."

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Alligators

Dennis was being led through the swamps of Florida by Chase.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

Chase smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

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Gifted Artist

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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A New Record

A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

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A New Record

A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't F ather.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't F ather.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

hUMOR For Jan 22nd

Legal Eyesight

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit
this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods."

The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are
you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asked, "Sam, listen: you are 80 years old
and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see
at night?"

Sam replied, "I can see the moon -- how far is that?"

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Haikus for the Workplace

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

ABORTED effort:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

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Overheard on Dear Abby

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

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What it "Really" Means

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake?"

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"According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans be-
tween the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States
on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? President Bush
commented on this today, he said, 'Why do we need our kids
to find the U.S. on a map? They're already here.'" -Jay Leno

***

"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my
fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be
home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving with-
out me!" -David Letterman

***

"This week, scientists have discovered a celestial body that
is 18 billion times more massive than the sun. It was im-
mediately hired to co-host The View." -Craig Ferguson

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Discovering that I'd overslept, I abandoned my usual morning
routine and rushed out. In the van, though, I realized I had
time to stop for a take-out coffee.

I got my coffee and returned to the van, only to find I had
not only left it running but had locked it!

The day was going from bad to worse.

I returned to the shop, sheepishly explained my situation to
the clerk and asked if I could borrow a broom.

I managed to open a side window and pop the lock on the back
door using the broom handle. When I returned the broom, the
clerk said, "I know you're having a bad day, but..."

"I know, I know," I interrupted. "You want to know how I can
unlock my van with a broom."

"No," she said. "I wanted to tell you that your shirt is on
inside out."

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My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that
stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age
65?"

"Yes, I remember," I said.

"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now
108."

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PARENT

Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone

just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of

multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of

all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due

when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will

help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities

for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

** AND A FOOTNOTE ? **

THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **

If you are fortunate enough you will become grandparents!

hUMOR For Jan 21st

"Walk-in Scream"

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Pizza Pie

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.

He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding.

"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

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Physics Jokes

- Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

- Polymer physicists are into chains.

- What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees".

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Smart Mom

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.

"Why," asked the little girl.

"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."

The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"

Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."

The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"

"Yup," said the mom.

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Workplace Haikus

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

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Let's Be Honest

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the

opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with

a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Paulson,

gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hendren, gave me

$10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He

handed it to Paulson. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and

we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

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Unlikely Hero

Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80 year old man in the water who rescued her.

The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful, as well as astonished, that such a white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery.

That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."

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"Got the Munchies?"

Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.

"Hello, who is it?" she asked.

"It's Pastor Smith", he answered.

"OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how's the ministry doing?" She said.

"Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met."

"Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better"

Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old reader's digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.

Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything." The pastor feeling a little embarrassed said "I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me" he said.

Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's ok, all I can do anymore is just suck the chocolate off of them!" she says.

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Oneliner

"Every silver lining has a cloud."

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Oneliner

"Every silver lining has a cloud."

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”Sewing Machine Ad”

The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 PM."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

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Legal Eyesight

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit
this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods."

The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are
you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asked, "Sam, listen: you are 80 years old
and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see
at night?"

Sam replied, "I can see the moon -- how far is that?"

hUMOR For Jan 20th

Haikus to Enjoy at Work

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

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Workplace Vocabulary Lesson

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops all over everything, and then leaves.

Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

Career-Limiting Move (CLM) - Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot.

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's head pops up over the walls to see what's going on.

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New Drugs on the Market

St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a really bad club music CD or a book by that awful television doctor.

Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

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Workin' on Haikus

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the darn file, Hal
Open the file, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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Harvard Gringo

An American consultant was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked, "Why don't you stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said, "Well, I catch enough to feed my family."

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard graduate and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

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Some New Definitions

lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.

marionettes (n), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor.

negligent (adj), describes a condition where you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

gargoyle (n), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

semantics (n), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before mass.

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What Would Dear Abby Say?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

hUMOR For Jan 19th

CleanPun - "Meritrix"

Once Horace Gold went too far. He rejected a story of mine which he called "meretricious." The word is from the Latin meretrix, meaning "prostitute," so that the implication was that I was prostituting my talent and was writing a bad story that would get by on my name alone because I was too lazy to write a good one. (This was not true, by the way. This particular story was sold elsewhere and received considerable acclaim.)

Swallowing my annoyance, I said mildly, "What was that word you used?"

Obviously proud at knowing a word he felt I didn't know, Horace enunciated carefully, "Meretricious!"

Whereupon I said, "And a Happy New Year to you."

(By Isaac Asimov)

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”Mistakes”

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."

"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.

"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."

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Crisis

There can't be another crisis this week, my schedule is completely full.

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Bad Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt.

"This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break! Sure God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

The she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

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Regular or Premium

When the family car developed a slight knock, the wife asked her husband if he had bought regular or premium gas, but he couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," she said. "That could account for the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" he replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the wife.

"It cost the same as always," said the husband. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."

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Rabbit Humor

What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hair line.

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This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are

bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes

to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that

he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for

several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his

hair fall out permanently. Several months later the guy's eyes are still

bulging and his ears are still protruding, more so now that his hair is

gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has

a liver problems and that they will have to remove part of his liver. So the

guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still

bulging and his ears are still protruding.

Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who

tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his

ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his

hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.

Months later, the man still has the problem. He goes to another specialist

who informs him that the cause is a rare blood disease and that the man only

has a few months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves

that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out

to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However,

when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a

17-inch neck.

"No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."

"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."

"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch

neck."

"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"

"What?"

"It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."

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Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

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This is only for OLD GEEZERS and was apparently sent to me by mistake ... but I did think of you!

THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANYMORE... Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company after while. Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today. Quit slamming the screen door when you are on your way out! Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up. Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed. Wash your feet before you go to bed, they are nasty from playing outside all day barefooted. Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up. You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on. Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on! Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night. Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle. Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one. Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it. Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit! Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him. You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off. There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town. Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise. Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes. If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out! Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile. Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there. Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread! Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark. Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there. Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes. Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on. No! I don't have nine cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees? Eat those vegetables, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy. That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs just don't come in the house. Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all botched up. Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap! It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight. If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home. Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way! Soak your foot in this pan of coal oil so that bad cut won't get infected. When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; Left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; And straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop. It is: "Yes Ma'am!" and "No Ma'am!" to me, young man, and don't you forget it! Y'all come back now, ya hear!

hUMOR For Jan 18th

My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to

her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative

state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!

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Too Good to Be True

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale $50."

The next day someone stole it.

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Amish Humor

Sign behind an Amish carriage:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats. CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

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R.I.P.

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

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Driving Test

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

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Fast Driver

My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a

state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through

Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear

shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to

the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires

out?"

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Hamberger Seeds

Little Vernie went, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night"with his dad.

As we were eating our hamburgers, Jacob asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"

I responded that they were tiny seeds and were okay to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Vernie looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we'll have enough hamburgers to last forever."

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Potato Problem

Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand
mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes.
Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.

"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen."

After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the
potatoes first?"

To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"

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"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the

worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look

any better." --Margot Black

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"I hate driving, and I hate when people honk at me. Unless

I'm making a left turn. Then I like it because that's how

I know it's time to turn." --Rita Rudner

***

"The only comfort you can take from eating at a Denny's is

that you know for sure that all over America, everyone else

at a Denny's is just as unhappy as you are." --Drew Carey

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One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit

a friend at work. Everyone there knew her, and she was

offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees

went to make more coffee, her son followed her and asked,

"What are you doing?"

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.

Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow!

You know how to make beer?"

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm

going to shoot him!"

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House of the Rising Sun

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time.

She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

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You know it's July in Florida when:

- Hot water comes out of both taps.

- You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.

- The trees are whistling for the dogs.

- You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.

- The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

- You burn your hand opening the car door.

- The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.

- You can make instant sun tea.

- Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.

- Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

- When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.

- Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.

- You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.

- You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

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Star Wars Version of "You Might Be a Redneck If..."

- Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

- You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

- At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored

- There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder

- You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

- You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

- You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

- You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

- Wookies are offended by your B.O.