hUMOR For Jan 9th

My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to

explain what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before

deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was

talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory

to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up

mainly? Chain-link?"

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Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed

him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my

Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your

policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and

forgotten."

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"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can

learn no other way." - Mark Twain

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New Year's Dinner

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual
conflict of which was more important - the football games on
television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with
the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant
after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn
on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even
bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and
asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third
quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

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Speeding

A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!

The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"

The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."

The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"

The man replied, "I don't have one officer."

"Of course you do," said the policeman.

"No sir, I don't," said the man.

"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.

"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.

"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.

"Yes I'm afraid so sir,"

Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."

The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."

"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.

"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"

"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."

"WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"

"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.

"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don't move, don't even breathe."

So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"

He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.

"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.

"I'll be right there," said the chief.

In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.

The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?"

"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.

Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"

"Yes," said the man.

"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.

The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.

"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.

"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."

"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."

"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.

"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."

"Yes," said the man,

"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.

"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?"

"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."

"The lying fool," said the man, "I'll bet he said I was speeding, too!"

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Move to Strike

A man in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are Bullies!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I move to STRIKE!"

The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responded "No, I'm a BULLY!"

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Tax Season

Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked.

"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."

"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."

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You Think Your Job's Bad?

Try one of these on for size!

-Nuclear Warhead Sensitivity Technician

-Circus Elephant Clean Up Specialist

-Rotten Sardine Taste Detector

-Assistant To The Boss's Nephew

-Shark Baiter

-Hurricane Photographer

-Director Of Public Relations, Chernobyl Nuclear Facility

-Prison Glee Club President

-Road Kill Removal Crew

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Jesus Is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of crazy people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.

hUMOR For Jan 8th

New Year’s Superstitions
Tips for bringing in the New Year...

Black-Eyed Peas
A tradition common to the southern states of the U.S. dictates that the eating of black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day will attract both general good luck and money in particular to the one doing the dining. Some choose to add other southern fare (such as ham hocks, collard greens, or cabbage) to this tradition, but the black-eyed peas are key.

Breakage
Avoid breaking things on the first day lest wreckage be part of your year. Also, avoid crying on the first day of the year lest that set the tone for the next 12 months.

Kissing At Midnight
We kiss those dearest to us at midnight not only to share a moment of celebration with our favourite people, but also to ensure those affections and ties will continue throughout the next 12 months. To fail to smooch our significant others at the stroke of 12 would be to set the stage for a year of coldness.

Letting the Old Year Out
At midnight, all the doors of a house must be opened to let the old year escape unimpeded. ‘He must leave before the New Year can come in,’ says popular wisdom.

Loud Noise
Make as much noise as possible at midnight. You’re not just celebrating – you’re scaring away evil spirits, so do a good job of it.

Money
Do not pay back loans or lend money or other precious items on New Year’s Day. To do so is to guarantee you’ll be paying out all year.

New Clothes
Wear something new January 1st to increase the likelihood of receiving more new garments during the year to follow.

Nothing Goes Out
Nothing – absolutely nothing, not even garbage – is to leave the house on the first day of the year. If you have presents to deliver on New Year’s Day, leave them in the car overnight. Don’t so much as take out a rug or take the empties to the recycle bin. Some people soften this rule by saying it’s okay to remove things from the home on New Year’s Day provided something else has been brought in first; the year must bugin with something being added to the home before anything is subtracted.

Paying Off Bills
The New Year should not be begun with the household in debt, so cheques should be written and mailed off prior to January 1. Likewise, personal debts should be settled before the New Year arrives.

Stocking Up
The New Year must not be seen in with bare cupboards, lest that be the way of things for the year. Larders must be topped up and plenty of money must be placed in every wallet in the home to guarantee prosperity.

Weather
Examine the weather in the early hours of New Year’s Day. If the wind blows from the south, there will be find weather and prosperous times in the year ahead. If it comes from the north, it will be a year of bad weather.

Work
Make sure to do – and be successful at – something related to your work on the first day of the year, even if you don’t go near your place of employment that day. Limit your activity to a token amount, though, because to engage in a serious work project on that day is very unlucky. Also, do not do the laundry on New Year’s Day, lest a member of the family be ‘washed away’ (die) in the upcoming months. The more cautious eschew washing dishes.

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Victor Borge Quotes

A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only things I've saved all year.

I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?

I only know two pieces: one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible... and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

The essence of a general's job is to assist in developing a clear sense of purpose, to keep the junk from getting in the way of important things.

When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.

You want something by Bach? Which one - Johann Sebastian or Jacques Offen?

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Hillary's First Night As President
White House inspiration for the First Lady

[Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President. She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this...]

FIRST NIGHT
Suddenly the ghost of George Washington appears to her...
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Washington says, “Never tell a lie.”
“Ouch!" Says Hillary, “I don't know about that.”

SECOND NIGHT
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Jefferson says, “Listen to the people.”
“Ohhh! I really don't want to do that.”

THIRD NIGHT
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Lincoln says, “Go to the theater.”

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Kangaroo Play

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, "Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today, I hate it when the children play inside."

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How to Be Annoying

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

* Drum on every available surface.

* Sing the Batman theme constantly.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.

* Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Set alarms for random times.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.


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A 21st Century Marriage

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

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America's Unique

- Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

- Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

- Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

- Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

- Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

hUMOR For Jan 7th

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total

eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured

by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon.

To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the

sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the

few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his

guard what time they plan to kill him.

The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when

the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture

so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal".

"Great", the astronomer replies.

The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in

your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

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At our daughter's high school graduation, I couldn't help noticing a young

man sporting a long bleached blond ponytail sprouting from the top of his

otherwise shaved head. A heavy link chain hung around his neck, and one ear

displayed several earrings.

I had to smile when I heard him say to his friend, "Man, I feel so out of

place. I'm the only guy here not wearing a tie."

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The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

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New Flight Attendant

An airline captain was breaking in a new flight attendant. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captian showed the flight attendant the best places for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The flight attendant replied, "There are only three doors in here." She sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it and says "Do Not Disturb!'"

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Ice Fishing

An old man walked out onto a frozen lake on a bitter cold winter day. He drilled a hole in the ice, sat on his bucket, put his fishing line in the water and eagerly waited for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost five hours without even a nibble when a young boy walked out, drilled a hole in the ice and sat on his bucket not far from the old man. It only took about one minute and BAM! A huge walleye bit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it and figured it was just luck. Yet, the boy put his fish line in again and within just two minutes he pulled in another huge walleye!

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't stand it any more. He hadn't caught a fish all day. He went to the boy and said, "Boy, I've been here nearly all day without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught TEN huge fish! How do you do it?"

The boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm."

"What," asked the old man?

Again the boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm.”

Freezing and impatient the old man yelled "Look, I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy took off his gloves, spit a clump of stuff into his hands and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!!"

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The Smartest

Three men were walking through a park when they suddenly came upon a river. "I wonder how we are going to cross this river?" said one man.

Then a genie appeared before them and said,"I will grant you each one wish so you can cross the river."

The first man said,"I want some strong muscles!" Poof! he had strong muscles! He began to swim across the river but nearly drowned half way.

The second man, seeing this mistake wished for strong muscles AND wood. He built himself a raft. He too attempted to cross the river but half way through, his raft sank and he had to swim the rest of the way.

The third man, seeing these two mistakes thought for a while. "Hmmm...Aha! I wish to be a woman!" Poof! He had turned into a woman!

The woman pulled out a map, located the nearest bridge on it, and hiked about 5 feet to it and crossed it.

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Learning to Talk

There was a man who couldn't talk and he wanted to learn how.

So he went to an oprera and heard the singer go "Meeeeeeeeeeemeeeeeemeeeeeeee."

Next he went to a pottery store and heard a salesman going "Forks and knives, forks and knives."

Next, in the street he heard a kid go "He stole my lollipop!"

He walked around all day learning these phrases. While he was practicing he accidently walked on a murder scene and practically tripped over the dead guy in the street. Before he knows it, he's talking to a policeman who asks "Who killed this man?"

"Meeeeemeeeeemeeeeee"

"Well, how did you kill him?"

"Forks and knives, forks and Knives"

"But why did you kill him?"

"He stole my lollipop!"

"Okay, you're coming with me mister!"

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L Train

One December morning, I headed down the steps to catch my

subway, the "L" train. A sign on the platform declared that

the line was not running, but there was bus service

above-ground.

I was rushing back up the stairs when I passed two women

descending.

"No 'L,'" I gasped as I ran by.

"And a Merry Christmas to you too," they called out,

continuing down the stairs.

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After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you

begin to worry about history.

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Touch It

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks," the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do NOT, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar largebounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:

"Tag! You're it!"

hUMOR For Jan 6th

After Christmas Thought

A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking.
He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"

"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.

He replied, "Well, the Playstation that I got from you and my gift
from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper."

He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad
can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"

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It's Going to Be a Bad Day When...

- You wake up face down on the pavement.

- You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.

- You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.

- Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.

- You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

- Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

- You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.

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Green and Red

When do you stop at GREEN and go at RED?

When you're eating a watermelon!

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Lots of Letters

Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?

A: A Post Office!

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Too Much Television

Q: How do you know a kid who's watches too much TV?

A: You ask a five-year-old what sound a duck makes, and his answered "AFLAC!"

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A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. "I'm

diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a blonde."

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A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells

"Give

me a beer, or...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his beer. This happens everyday for a

week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his

wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier

said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it.

The next day, the hooligan returns. "Give me a beer, or...!"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."

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"I tried doing stand-up once but everyone just laughed at me." – Ziggy

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In Honor of Stupid People . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

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On Sainsbury's peanuts --
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

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On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

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On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

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On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

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On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

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On a bar of Dial soap --
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

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On some Swanson frozen dinners --
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

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On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

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On Nytol Sleep Aid --
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???.....)

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On most brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

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On a Japanese food processor --
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

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On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

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On a child's Superman costume --
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

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On a Swedish chainsaw --
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread
the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to
(maybe even chuckle)...

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****Blessed are the cracked (as in my brother,

Dan): for it is he who lets in the light*****

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You Know It's Not Going to Be a Good Day When...

- Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

- Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.

- Your pet rock snaps at you.

- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

- You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.

- Your income tax refund check bounces.

- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

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Separate Rooms

The Allen family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Vernie Allenhow he liked it.

“It’s great,” Vernie said. “I have my very own room and my brother Stan has his own room, and Judy has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…”

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Why is it?

"Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on the phone you hear a radio station?" - Jerry Seinfeld

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Old but Good one:

Stupid

A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."

Right away, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"I don’t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

hUMOR For Jan 5th

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm

doing, someone else does.

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Annoying Other People

* Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

* Mow your lawn with scissors.

* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

* Never make eye contact.

* Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

* Make appointments for the 31st of November.

* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

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Toothbrush Sales

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, “This tastes like MUD!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

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Only in America

- Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

- Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

- Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

- Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

- Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

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Lying Politician

A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents.

"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up with what I believe."

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"Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good

resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them

as usual." -Mark Twain

***

"New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless,

of course, those tests come back positive" -Jay Leno

***

"Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank

where they have no account." -Oscar Wilde

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The current scandals over how large companies have been

cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course

I took years ago. The professor was explaining an

accounting method called First In Last Out, which is

useful for industries that accumulate large inventories

of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example,

reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil

shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had

to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the

1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They of course sold it at current

market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.

One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me,

sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."

To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class,

son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."

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This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her

to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they

go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband

steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same

thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with

about 30 feet to the cup.

The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off

a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and

drops into the cup. The husband looks at this, and says, "OK,

now you know how to play, let's go home."

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Feeding Shamu

At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why.

No amount of cajoling or persuading could get him to change his mind.

Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason he had been so reluctant.

His aunt, when telling him how exciting the show would be, had told him "They choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."

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"More Newspaper Bloopers"

Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on "Destructive Pests". A large number were present.

The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished.

The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.

The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily living.

Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.

The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo.

The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

"Moby Dick", the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be seen again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.

Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be followed by Friday.

The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck suppers.

The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came down the aisle.

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Oneliner

"I never make misakes."

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CleanPun - "Seat Warmers"

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is.............rear defrosters."

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”Candle Help”

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.

The priest said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donvan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Fadder."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Fadder."

Father Flaherty said, "Well, now, I'm goin' to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Fadder." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again and Father Flaherty asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Fadder!"

The priest then asked, "And tell me, have ye any been blessed with any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Fadder! T'ree sets o'twins and 4 singles, 10 in all."

He then responded, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle."