Automobile Acronyms
AUDIAccelerates Under Demonic InfluenceAlways Unsafe Designs Implemented BMWBeautiful Mechanical WonderBig Money WorksBought My WifeBrutal Money Waster BUICKBig Ugly Indestructible Car Killer CHEVROLETCan Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended TripsCheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGEDarn Old Dirty Gas EaterDrips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FIATFailure in Italian Automotive TechnologyFix It All the TimeFix It Again, Tony! FORDFirst On Recall DayFirst On Rust and DeteriorationFix Or Repair DailyFound On Road, DeadFault Of Research & DevelopmentFast Only Rolling DownhillFeatures O.J. & Ron`s DNAbackwards -> Driver Returns On Foot
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Watch Out For That Tree
A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?" The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Camels
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby
camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three-toed
feet?"
The mother replies, "Well, son, when we trek across the
desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft
sand."
"OK," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom,
why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the
trips through the desert."
"Thanks, Mom," replies the son. After a short while, the son
returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps
on my back?"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy, replies,
"They are there to help us store fat for our long treks
across the desert, so we can go without water for long
periods."
"That's great, Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking,
and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these
humps to store water, but Mom..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why are we in the San Diego zoo?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But
just before I went under I heard the one thing you don't
want to hear, 'Where's my lucky scalpel?'" --Jonathan Ketz
***
"I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth
grade teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions.
One kid asked, 'Is there any part of the woman's body known
as the Volvo?' Which I thought was a good question. I said,
'Only on Swedish women.'" --Dennis Wolfberg
***
"Here's some good news. Drug use among teenagers is down.
Teenagers are saying "No" to drugs. Now if we can just
get the teenagers to say "No" to their teachers we'd be
in great shape." --Jay Leno
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
[Following are some very funny spelling bloopers caught in
local newspapers, publications and various emails. See if
you can catch the goofs.]
1. "...an autopsy to determine if the elderly man lost
courteousness for medical reasons." (Trenton, N.J.)
2. "[An NBA coach] will take charge of a young team still in
the throws of a roster overhaul." (Vernon, Conn.)
3. "'It's pretty exciting,' according to his material grand-
mother." (Potsdam, N.Y.)
4. "The MCCC fight team won 21 out of 32 awards and brought
home nine metals." Including the gold? (Trenton, N.J.)
5. "McNabb...exasperated the injury attempting to chase down
Dallas Cowboys safety Roy Williams." (Trenton, N.J.)
6. "Boxer Pups AKC, 1M, 1F, Bread for Health and
Temperament." (e-mail)
7. "[Paris Hilton] was probably going through cocaine
withdrawls." Is she from the South? (Sunnyvale, Calif.)
8. "Our lunch menu [includes] a variety of hot entrees and
tempting deserts." Presumably also hot. (Upper Saint Clair,
Pa.)
9. "Vincent was a brawny Swiss ex-patriot." (San Jose,
Calif.)
10. "...those who acquaint shopping with charity."
(Simsbury, Conn.)
----
Corrections: 1. consciousness 2. throes 3. maternal 4. medals
5. exacerbated 6. bred 7. withdrawals 8. desserts 9. expatriate
10. equate
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The person who sent this one in to me wisely decided to
omit his or her name.]
When my daughter was 13, we took a trip to London. As we
travel around our country, we see many signs which say
"For Rent". The British have signs which say "To Let".
At one particular spot in London where we could see many
"To Let" signs, my daughter looked around and said,
"Where's the i?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
PhilosofactsThoughts of the year...
A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough.An elephant never forgets. After all, what does it have to remember?Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions, they make no criticisms.As long as your conscience is your friend, never mind your enemies.Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but in childhood it's next to impossible.Don't jump at conclusions - they may jump back at you.Give some weeds an inch and they'll take a yard.If it's such a small world, why does it cost so much to run it?If you can't be thankful for what you receive, be thankful for what you escape.Many a checkered career winds up in a striped suit.Money can't buy character. Character is what we are when we are alone with ourselves in the dark.Most of the people who sit around and wait for the harvest haven't planted anything.No person is a failure who has friends.One surefire way to keep living to be one hundred is to keep breathing.Patience is often bitter, but its fruit is sweet.People who live in glass houses should answer the doorbell.The trouble these days is that there's no arrest for the wicked.Unless we all work for the common good, there won't be any.With proper care, the human body will last a lifetime.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sales Training
The proprietor of a successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to charge a customer.
"After you have fitted the customer's glasses," he said, "and he asks you what the charge will be, you say, '$100.' Then see if he winces.
"If the customer doesn't wince you say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be another $50.'
"If he still doesn't wince you say firmly, 'Each.'"
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 19th
Tomatoes
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in
the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that
tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe
fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that
one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take
two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two
cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in
the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Dog Cleaning
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A reindeer bellied up to the bar
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep South, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. I'll tell you something, buddy. At these bloody prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
7 and 7 is 11
A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. "How much is it?" she asked the storekeeper. "14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady. "14 cents! For what?" asked the lady. The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents." "I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11." "What are your saying?" "As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11...I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11! "Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Kidneys and Livers
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment." "So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend. "Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Yiddish Speak"
During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish, the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill, they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanQuote
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."- George Bernard Shaw
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
New Beginnings" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years--a literature course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Christmas Light Show
Years ago I lived in a neighborhood where everyone took care of their lawns with a meticulous passion. I lived there because there was no legal way they could stop me from moving in. Those people were up early on Saturday mornings to cut their grass. I was up early listening to them. Fortunately, our corner lot had a 7 foot high hedge around its perimeter so I often got away with only mowing the thin strip between the sidewalk and the road.
In the neighborhood we lived in a few before that one, I was the guy that had the neighbors trying to keep up - especially the year I was "in between" churches. Our house, in the co-op we lived in, was decorated with tons of Christmas lights and a huge lit star at the top of the pine tree in our front yard. People up and down the street stood in their doorways as I climbed that tree to "starify" it. I'm sure that each year they were wondering if this was the year I was going to perform a holiday tumbling act and put them out of their misery and let them catch up. Decoration wise, I was the king of the block.
I'm glad this guy didn't live on our street!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ooops!I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I'd hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker control.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Stop Following Me!
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP! He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin. ... and suddenly "the coffin stops!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Catfish vs. Orange Roughy
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in
the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that
tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe
fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that
one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take
two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two
cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in
the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Dog Cleaning
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A reindeer bellied up to the bar
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep South, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. I'll tell you something, buddy. At these bloody prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
7 and 7 is 11
A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. "How much is it?" she asked the storekeeper. "14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady. "14 cents! For what?" asked the lady. The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents." "I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11." "What are your saying?" "As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11...I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11! "Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Kidneys and Livers
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment." "So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend. "Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Yiddish Speak"
During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish, the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill, they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanQuote
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."- George Bernard Shaw
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
New Beginnings" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years--a literature course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Christmas Light Show
Years ago I lived in a neighborhood where everyone took care of their lawns with a meticulous passion. I lived there because there was no legal way they could stop me from moving in. Those people were up early on Saturday mornings to cut their grass. I was up early listening to them. Fortunately, our corner lot had a 7 foot high hedge around its perimeter so I often got away with only mowing the thin strip between the sidewalk and the road.
In the neighborhood we lived in a few before that one, I was the guy that had the neighbors trying to keep up - especially the year I was "in between" churches. Our house, in the co-op we lived in, was decorated with tons of Christmas lights and a huge lit star at the top of the pine tree in our front yard. People up and down the street stood in their doorways as I climbed that tree to "starify" it. I'm sure that each year they were wondering if this was the year I was going to perform a holiday tumbling act and put them out of their misery and let them catch up. Decoration wise, I was the king of the block.
I'm glad this guy didn't live on our street!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ooops!I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I'd hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker control.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Stop Following Me!
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP! He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin. ... and suddenly "the coffin stops!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Catfish vs. Orange Roughy
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 18th
Oneliner
"Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Toy Store"
This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.
"Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a collector!"
"I'm not," he replied.
"Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then."
"No, not at all," my friend responded.
"If you don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?"
"Oh that," he answered. "It's like this," my friend stated, . . ."I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
”Imminent Departure”
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Wrapping HelpMy wife asked me to help wrap Christmas presents this year, but I was watching football and declined to help. She then informed me that if I didn't help, I'd be in big, big trouble, so I helped.However, she didn't tell me to put tags on them, so I think I may be in trouble anyway.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Santa is a Woman?Author Unknown
I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.Guy
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.Ditto
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Tough Job
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Last week, the city of Boston sparked controversy when it
renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a holiday tree
instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city's nativity scene
will now be referred to as the Holiday Homeless Family."
--Tina Fey
***
"A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop
on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual
store. Well of course! There's no naked women at the stores."
--Jay Leno
***
"The hunting season in New York has begun. I love hunting
season. And what is more American than accidentally shooting
your drinking buddy?" --Dave Letterman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the
dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and
exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite
wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean
selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke
and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by
a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues
whispers, "Say something wise."
The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the
money."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Little Vernie told his mother that he had been playing Post-
man.
"Postman? How could you do that when you had no letters?"
"Oh, I had some letters," replied Johnny. "I was looking in
your closet up in your room and I found a packet of letters
tied up with a ribbon, and I posted one under every door on
the street."
"Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Toy Store"
This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.
"Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a collector!"
"I'm not," he replied.
"Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then."
"No, not at all," my friend responded.
"If you don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?"
"Oh that," he answered. "It's like this," my friend stated, . . ."I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
”Imminent Departure”
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Wrapping HelpMy wife asked me to help wrap Christmas presents this year, but I was watching football and declined to help. She then informed me that if I didn't help, I'd be in big, big trouble, so I helped.However, she didn't tell me to put tags on them, so I think I may be in trouble anyway.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Santa is a Woman?Author Unknown
I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.Guy
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.Ditto
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Tough Job
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Last week, the city of Boston sparked controversy when it
renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a holiday tree
instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city's nativity scene
will now be referred to as the Holiday Homeless Family."
--Tina Fey
***
"A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop
on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual
store. Well of course! There's no naked women at the stores."
--Jay Leno
***
"The hunting season in New York has begun. I love hunting
season. And what is more American than accidentally shooting
your drinking buddy?" --Dave Letterman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the
dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and
exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite
wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean
selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke
and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by
a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues
whispers, "Say something wise."
The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the
money."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Little Vernie told his mother that he had been playing Post-
man.
"Postman? How could you do that when you had no letters?"
"Oh, I had some letters," replied Johnny. "I was looking in
your closet up in your room and I found a packet of letters
tied up with a ribbon, and I posted one under every door on
the street."
Monday, December 17, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 17th
John calls Jill from work and says he will be home by 5 PM and hopes that
dinner will be on the table when he gets there.
He arrives home and enters the kitchen and sees a package of pasta, jar of
sauce and can of vegetables on the kitchen table. "Jill, I specifically
called you from work to let you know when I would be home. Where is my
dinner?"
"Dinner is on the table, John, like you asked. I don't know why you wanted
it there instead of on the stove."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I went to school to become a wit. I only got halfway through.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Christmas Cake"
Every Christmas, composer Giacomo Puccini would have a cake baked for each of his friends. One year, having quarreled with Arturo Toscanini just before Christmas, he tried to cancel the order for the conductor's cake. But it was too late the cake had already been dispatched.
The following day, Toscanini received a telegram from Puccini: "Cake sent by mistake."
He replied by return: "Cake eaten by mistake."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"I write down everything I want to remember. That way,
instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what
it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper
I wrote it down on." -Beryl Pfizer, American journalist
***
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill
live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23
percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
--Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead
***
"I wrote a novel this year called, 'Shop Girl,' and several
producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a movie.
And I said, 'If you think you're going to take this book and
change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change the ending,
well, that's going to cost you.'" -Steve Martin
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough,
and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order
to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question:
"What is the relationship between kinetic and potential
energy?"
One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and
wrote, "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there
could be something else going on there."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which
a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the
vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Poor Tailor and the French Restaurant
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it." The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?" Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Dino-road
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Old Witness
Old man Vern was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Vern, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?” “Yes,” said Vern, “I saw him plainly take the goods.” The lawyer asks Vern again, “Vern, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?” “Yes,” says Vern, “I saw him do it.” Then the lawyer asks Vern, “Vern, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?” Vern says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Misstep
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for my child. My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Area 51
Have you heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their
"secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and
hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got
lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out
of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check
on the pilot and held him overnight during the
investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his
airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base"
briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his
life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on
such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded
the plane -- only this time there were two people in the
plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to
me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her
where I was last night!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Merry Christmas From Your Pets"
Meowy Christmas from your loving cat.Aren't I cute? Now leave me alone.--Ann Bartow
I've always loved the Christmas Feast.I've heard this year it's ham.Too bad I've other plans this time.Love, Your Pot-bellied Pig named Sam.--Ed Smith
FROM YOUR PARROTJingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells...--Kevin Wickart
You feed, pet and house me.And I love you for that.But stop calling me your "kid."I'm just a stupid cat.--Brian Jones
I want to say I love you,Before anything could spoil it.So don't look in the living roomThat new carpet? I just soiled it.--John Gephart
As watchman-cat, I've done my job,The house is safe once more.That shiny stuff that stormed the treeIs dead now on the floor.--Larry Hollister
We, your cats, at Christmas say,Thanks for caring for us each day.We love this season, all green and red,And by the way, the hamster's dead.--Peter Bauer
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
dinner will be on the table when he gets there.
He arrives home and enters the kitchen and sees a package of pasta, jar of
sauce and can of vegetables on the kitchen table. "Jill, I specifically
called you from work to let you know when I would be home. Where is my
dinner?"
"Dinner is on the table, John, like you asked. I don't know why you wanted
it there instead of on the stove."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I went to school to become a wit. I only got halfway through.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Christmas Cake"
Every Christmas, composer Giacomo Puccini would have a cake baked for each of his friends. One year, having quarreled with Arturo Toscanini just before Christmas, he tried to cancel the order for the conductor's cake. But it was too late the cake had already been dispatched.
The following day, Toscanini received a telegram from Puccini: "Cake sent by mistake."
He replied by return: "Cake eaten by mistake."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"I write down everything I want to remember. That way,
instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what
it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper
I wrote it down on." -Beryl Pfizer, American journalist
***
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill
live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23
percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
--Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead
***
"I wrote a novel this year called, 'Shop Girl,' and several
producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a movie.
And I said, 'If you think you're going to take this book and
change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change the ending,
well, that's going to cost you.'" -Steve Martin
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough,
and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order
to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question:
"What is the relationship between kinetic and potential
energy?"
One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and
wrote, "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there
could be something else going on there."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which
a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the
vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Poor Tailor and the French Restaurant
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it." The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?" Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Dino-road
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Old Witness
Old man Vern was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Vern, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?” “Yes,” said Vern, “I saw him plainly take the goods.” The lawyer asks Vern again, “Vern, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?” “Yes,” says Vern, “I saw him do it.” Then the lawyer asks Vern, “Vern, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?” Vern says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Misstep
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for my child. My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Area 51
Have you heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their
"secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and
hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got
lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out
of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check
on the pilot and held him overnight during the
investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his
airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base"
briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his
life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on
such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded
the plane -- only this time there were two people in the
plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to
me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her
where I was last night!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Merry Christmas From Your Pets"
Meowy Christmas from your loving cat.Aren't I cute? Now leave me alone.--Ann Bartow
I've always loved the Christmas Feast.I've heard this year it's ham.Too bad I've other plans this time.Love, Your Pot-bellied Pig named Sam.--Ed Smith
FROM YOUR PARROTJingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells...--Kevin Wickart
You feed, pet and house me.And I love you for that.But stop calling me your "kid."I'm just a stupid cat.--Brian Jones
I want to say I love you,Before anything could spoil it.So don't look in the living roomThat new carpet? I just soiled it.--John Gephart
As watchman-cat, I've done my job,The house is safe once more.That shiny stuff that stormed the treeIs dead now on the floor.--Larry Hollister
We, your cats, at Christmas say,Thanks for caring for us each day.We love this season, all green and red,And by the way, the hamster's dead.--Peter Bauer
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sunday, December 16, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 16th
A priest at the preschool
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?” He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?” The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?” “Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Our dentist office purchased a computer from a local dealer.
The day before it was to be delivered, we were informed that our order had
been misunderstood and the proper machine would not be ready until the
following week.
The appointed day arrived, but the computer did not. The delays continued
for over a month before we finally had our new desktop computer-the wrong
model. However, office management decided to accept it.
Weeks later a special-delivery package arrived at the office along with a
letter from the computer dealer, apologizing for the inconveniences. To show
that they valued our business, they asked us to accept the enclosed VCR. It
was a CD player.
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?” He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?” The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?” “Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Our dentist office purchased a computer from a local dealer.
The day before it was to be delivered, we were informed that our order had
been misunderstood and the proper machine would not be ready until the
following week.
The appointed day arrived, but the computer did not. The delays continued
for over a month before we finally had our new desktop computer-the wrong
model. However, office management decided to accept it.
Weeks later a special-delivery package arrived at the office along with a
letter from the computer dealer, apologizing for the inconveniences. To show
that they valued our business, they asked us to accept the enclosed VCR. It
was a CD player.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 15th
50th Wedding Anniversary
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the
reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After
all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my
husband's spelling."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"One bad thing about working for yourself is if you call in and say your
grandmother died, you know you're just making it up." - Harrison Cockerill
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
189 Pieces
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a
birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in
189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put
together in an hour. However, it took the old man two days
to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut
it into 189 pieces, and mailed it off to the company.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Good Thinking
Little Vernie was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, mommy, why doesn't daddy have very many hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a diplomatic explanation for her husband's baldness.
Or she was until her son thought for a second and asked, "So, why do you have so much hair?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Burglar and VicarA burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money."The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Funny Quote
"Quotes are nothing but inspiration for the uninspired."~Richard Kemph
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Brain Transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure…very risky…but it’s the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves…”The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”The doctor quickly responded, “$100,000 for a male brain, and $1000 for a female brain.”The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask:“Why is the male brain so much more?”The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group: “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The World's Shortest Books:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton_______________________________________THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton ___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
By Osama Bin Laden ___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates ____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman _________________________________
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________ AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC___________________________________
A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
By Dr. J Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O.J. Simpson _________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
By Ted Kennedy ___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill ClintonWith introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson ******************************************************* AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Retiring to EnglandAn American couple was fond of England and of all things richly historic and aged. They decided to retire to London, where they hoped to buy a castle. Though that proved out of their price range, they did find a wonderful house, quite ancient, with a long and noble history.They found this house during their July vacation. They sold their house in Chicago and in November they crossed 'the pond' to retire.To their horror, they found that their new home was abysmally cold.They immediately set about trying to get a central heating system installed. Sadly, they were told by contractor after contractor that, in a house that old, it simply wasn't feasible."I was afraid it would come down to this," the husband finally said."What, honey?" the wife asked."We can't have archaic and heat it, too."
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the
reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After
all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my
husband's spelling."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"One bad thing about working for yourself is if you call in and say your
grandmother died, you know you're just making it up." - Harrison Cockerill
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
189 Pieces
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a
birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in
189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put
together in an hour. However, it took the old man two days
to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut
it into 189 pieces, and mailed it off to the company.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Good Thinking
Little Vernie was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, mommy, why doesn't daddy have very many hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a diplomatic explanation for her husband's baldness.
Or she was until her son thought for a second and asked, "So, why do you have so much hair?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Burglar and VicarA burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money."The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Funny Quote
"Quotes are nothing but inspiration for the uninspired."~Richard Kemph
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Brain Transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure…very risky…but it’s the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves…”The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”The doctor quickly responded, “$100,000 for a male brain, and $1000 for a female brain.”The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask:“Why is the male brain so much more?”The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group: “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The World's Shortest Books:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton_______________________________________THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton ___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
By Osama Bin Laden ___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates ____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman _________________________________
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________ AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC___________________________________
A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
By Dr. J Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O.J. Simpson _________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
By Ted Kennedy ___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill ClintonWith introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson ******************************************************* AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Retiring to EnglandAn American couple was fond of England and of all things richly historic and aged. They decided to retire to London, where they hoped to buy a castle. Though that proved out of their price range, they did find a wonderful house, quite ancient, with a long and noble history.They found this house during their July vacation. They sold their house in Chicago and in November they crossed 'the pond' to retire.To their horror, they found that their new home was abysmally cold.They immediately set about trying to get a central heating system installed. Sadly, they were told by contractor after contractor that, in a house that old, it simply wasn't feasible."I was afraid it would come down to this," the husband finally said."What, honey?" the wife asked."We can't have archaic and heat it, too."
Friday, December 14, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 14th
A priest at the preschool
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?” He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?” The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?” “Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.9. If it it's near me, it's mine.10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Locked Car
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Multiple Lives
What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by
legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year. The master
of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the
University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates
some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor
there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor
took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he
would be an extra set of hands.
The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's
surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were
literally a blur.
Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of
the day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of
you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."
"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
better?"
Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you really feel like
stripping the gears.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Embarrassing moments
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace. Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure. Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence. "Thank you," he said. "Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush. "Yes." "Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush. In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
This is Heaven
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Eating at a Chinese restaurant
My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Who Gets The Dog?
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Our dentist office purchased a computer from a local dealer.
The day before it was to be delivered, we were informed that our order had
been misunderstood and the proper machine would not be ready until the
following week.
The appointed day arrived, but the computer did not. The delays continued
for over a month before we finally had our new desktop computer-the wrong
model. However, office management decided to accept it.
Weeks later a special-delivery package arrived at the office along with a
letter from the computer dealer, apologizing for the inconveniences. To show
that they valued our business, they asked us to accept the enclosed VCR. It
was a CD player.
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?” He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?” The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?” “Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.9. If it it's near me, it's mine.10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Locked Car
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Multiple Lives
What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by
legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year. The master
of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the
University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates
some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor
there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor
took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he
would be an extra set of hands.
The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's
surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were
literally a blur.
Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of
the day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of
you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."
"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
better?"
Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you really feel like
stripping the gears.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Embarrassing moments
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace. Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure. Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence. "Thank you," he said. "Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush. "Yes." "Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush. In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
This is Heaven
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Eating at a Chinese restaurant
My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Who Gets The Dog?
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Our dentist office purchased a computer from a local dealer.
The day before it was to be delivered, we were informed that our order had
been misunderstood and the proper machine would not be ready until the
following week.
The appointed day arrived, but the computer did not. The delays continued
for over a month before we finally had our new desktop computer-the wrong
model. However, office management decided to accept it.
Weeks later a special-delivery package arrived at the office along with a
letter from the computer dealer, apologizing for the inconveniences. To show
that they valued our business, they asked us to accept the enclosed VCR. It
was a CD player.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 13th
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull."It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $. 75 per word."She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please.""And what word would that be?" inquires the man."Comfortable," replies the brunette.The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Brain Teaser
"If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo,
if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."~Dave Allen
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Brains
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks. "
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected,
"You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman without a brain, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Census TakerFive year old Becky answered the door when the Census Taker came by. She told the Census Taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy."My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?""Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
[I loaned the book "I'm a Stranger Here Myself" to TZ who
read two chapters and gave it back to me declaring it the
boringest drivel he's ever read. After pointing out to him
that 'boringest' is not a word I decided to print a couple
of excerpts here just to annoy him.]
"By almost universal agreement, the most vague and ineffectual
of all American presidents was Millard Fillmore, who succeeded
to the office in 1850 upon the death of Zachary Taylor and
spent the next three years demonstrating how the country would
have been run if they had just propped Taylor up in a chair
with cushions." --Bill Bryson in "I'm a Stranger Here Myself"
***
"Also admirable in his way was Franklin Pierce, who spent
virtually the whole of his incumbency hopelessly intoxicated,
prompting the affectionate slogan 'Franklin Pierce, the Hero
of Many a Well-Fought Bottle.'" --Bill Bryson later that same
chapter.
***
"A marmot is a varmot, but a varmot isn't necessarily a
marmot. A marmot is part of the rodent family, like a wood-
chuck or a prairiedog, whereas a varmot could be anything,
like TZ from Laff-a-day for instance." --Clean Laffs Joe
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if
you wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a
little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make
it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again..?" I'm cured?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
When my daughter was about 10 years old I became pregnant.
Of course, she wwanted to know how it happened,so I gave
what I considered an appropriate explanation of the process.
She asked, "Did you do that to get me?"
I said yes, and she responded, "And you did it again?"
-Arbuta McKee
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Grounded
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. "Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
More Cat Contemplation
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous "Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous "My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --Anonymous
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
George is so forgetful
“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back.” Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. “You'll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!” “See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he'd forget the sandwiches.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Pregnancy Q and A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?A: When the kids are in college.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Brain Teaser
"If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo,
if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."~Dave Allen
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Brains
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks. "
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected,
"You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman without a brain, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Census TakerFive year old Becky answered the door when the Census Taker came by. She told the Census Taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy."My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?""Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
[I loaned the book "I'm a Stranger Here Myself" to TZ who
read two chapters and gave it back to me declaring it the
boringest drivel he's ever read. After pointing out to him
that 'boringest' is not a word I decided to print a couple
of excerpts here just to annoy him.]
"By almost universal agreement, the most vague and ineffectual
of all American presidents was Millard Fillmore, who succeeded
to the office in 1850 upon the death of Zachary Taylor and
spent the next three years demonstrating how the country would
have been run if they had just propped Taylor up in a chair
with cushions." --Bill Bryson in "I'm a Stranger Here Myself"
***
"Also admirable in his way was Franklin Pierce, who spent
virtually the whole of his incumbency hopelessly intoxicated,
prompting the affectionate slogan 'Franklin Pierce, the Hero
of Many a Well-Fought Bottle.'" --Bill Bryson later that same
chapter.
***
"A marmot is a varmot, but a varmot isn't necessarily a
marmot. A marmot is part of the rodent family, like a wood-
chuck or a prairiedog, whereas a varmot could be anything,
like TZ from Laff-a-day for instance." --Clean Laffs Joe
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if
you wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a
little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make
it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again..?" I'm cured?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
When my daughter was about 10 years old I became pregnant.
Of course, she wwanted to know how it happened,so I gave
what I considered an appropriate explanation of the process.
She asked, "Did you do that to get me?"
I said yes, and she responded, "And you did it again?"
-Arbuta McKee
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Grounded
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. "Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
More Cat Contemplation
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous "Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous "My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --Anonymous
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
George is so forgetful
“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back.” Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. “You'll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!” “See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he'd forget the sandwiches.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Pregnancy Q and A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?A: When the kids are in college.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 12th
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Playing House
A little girl and little Vernie were playing in the yard. The girl
approaches the Vernie and says, "Hey Vernie, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Vernie. "I have
no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
What's In a Name?
A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!"
Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Marian'. I'm your mother, you know."
"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Gasoline TankOn my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them."What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked."It would go out," he replied in a very factual manner."Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?""No, the force from the explosion would blow out the match."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My son took his two-year-old boy, Gavin, fishing. He baited
a worm on to Gavin's hook and tossed it out into the water.
After a long time with no bites, he had Gavin reel in and
my son tossed it back out. This was repeated several times,
no bites. Some other people had caught some fish, but Gavin
had nothing.
Finally it was time to go, they reeled in for the last time.
Gavin looked at the worm and stated matter of factly, "I
think my worm is defective."
-Clarence Calkins
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A few years ago I was standing in the check-out line of a
local clothing store with my then six year old daughter.
While I was writing the check to pay for my purchase, my
daughter began tugging on my jacket.
"Daddy," she said softly.
"Yes baby?" I answered her.
"Do you smell something?" she asked innocently.
"No, I don't," I replied.
She got this evil little grin on her face as she said,
"You will."
-Dennis Weiskircher
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My aunt's young family with two boys ages 3 and 4, had
attended church one spring morning.
As they left the church the pastor said, "Well, look at
you boys, all bright eyed & bushy tailed!"
Joe the older boy loudly announced, "We don't got tails;
we've got Dinkys!"
My aunt was mortified.
-Patty Bauman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
What's the Time?
Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Contemplating Cats
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lovely Girl
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. “Turn the car around,” he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished. “Driver,” said the major, “you'd be a total loss in an emergency.” “I thought I did pretty well,” the driver said. “That was my girl.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Stewardess Announcement
A few years ago, I landed at the Honolulu airport and the
stewardess made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed at Honolulu and in a
few minutes we will be at the gate. In order to prevent any
injuries, please remain seated and keep your seat belt on
until we stop at the gate. Captain Phillips is an excellent
pilot, but he's a lousy driver."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnny was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johanna's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnny was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johanna's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Playing House
A little girl and little Vernie were playing in the yard. The girl
approaches the Vernie and says, "Hey Vernie, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Vernie. "I have
no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
What's In a Name?
A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!"
Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Marian'. I'm your mother, you know."
"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Gasoline TankOn my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them."What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked."It would go out," he replied in a very factual manner."Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?""No, the force from the explosion would blow out the match."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My son took his two-year-old boy, Gavin, fishing. He baited
a worm on to Gavin's hook and tossed it out into the water.
After a long time with no bites, he had Gavin reel in and
my son tossed it back out. This was repeated several times,
no bites. Some other people had caught some fish, but Gavin
had nothing.
Finally it was time to go, they reeled in for the last time.
Gavin looked at the worm and stated matter of factly, "I
think my worm is defective."
-Clarence Calkins
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A few years ago I was standing in the check-out line of a
local clothing store with my then six year old daughter.
While I was writing the check to pay for my purchase, my
daughter began tugging on my jacket.
"Daddy," she said softly.
"Yes baby?" I answered her.
"Do you smell something?" she asked innocently.
"No, I don't," I replied.
She got this evil little grin on her face as she said,
"You will."
-Dennis Weiskircher
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My aunt's young family with two boys ages 3 and 4, had
attended church one spring morning.
As they left the church the pastor said, "Well, look at
you boys, all bright eyed & bushy tailed!"
Joe the older boy loudly announced, "We don't got tails;
we've got Dinkys!"
My aunt was mortified.
-Patty Bauman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
What's the Time?
Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Contemplating Cats
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lovely Girl
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. “Turn the car around,” he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished. “Driver,” said the major, “you'd be a total loss in an emergency.” “I thought I did pretty well,” the driver said. “That was my girl.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Stewardess Announcement
A few years ago, I landed at the Honolulu airport and the
stewardess made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed at Honolulu and in a
few minutes we will be at the gate. In order to prevent any
injuries, please remain seated and keep your seat belt on
until we stop at the gate. Captain Phillips is an excellent
pilot, but he's a lousy driver."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnny was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johanna's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnny was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johanna's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 11th
Pilot and NavigatorThe pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and placed it on his chart table.The pilot asked, "What's that for?""To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is
the belief that one's work is terribly important."
--Bertrand Russell
***
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company,
I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was
stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of
the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed
description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan."
"It's the one on fire," he replied.
***
"My ten year old daughter asked me what a colon was and I
explained that it was a part of the body that food goes
through before being eliminated. Then she asked me what a
semicolon was and I told her that it was a colon the size
of a truck with eighteen wheels."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
From a passenger ship one can just barely see a bearded man
on a small island in the distance who is shouting and
desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so
he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the
banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how
his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull
just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker
suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of
all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced
all my neighbor's cows!"
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
No Bull
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A grief-stricken man
A grief-stricken man threw himself on a grave and cried bitterly, "My life, oh how senseless is it! How worthless everything about me, because you are gone. If only you had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how everything would have been different!" A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you." "Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sales Practice
The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. “Well,” the man began, “I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said ‘Yes.’ Then I asked her ‘Why?’ She replied, ‘Because I love you.’”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Doug and Bob were at the racetrack. Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on
a race, the track tells the government."
Bob says, "Well it could be worse."
Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won
$600?"
Bob sighs, "Telling your wife."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western
16 "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist."
15 "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw
upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
14 "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys'
room."
13 "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
12 "Y'know, Badlands Pete, a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie
breeze, just you 'n' me. What say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a
jig or two?"
11 "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
10 "I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me
straight."
9 "Let's see. Hardtack and pemmican. That's three grams of fat, seven grams
of protein, and two starches."
8 "Who let the dogies out?"
7 "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on
the gazpacho and the fondue."
6 "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
5 "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for
interior decoration."
4 "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
3 "Dangit, Jake, yer an enabler!"
2 "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from
Dodge."
and the number 1 line you'll never hear in a western...
1 "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS! Okay, now a little to the left. Oooh! Oooh! Stop
right there. Perfect!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is
the belief that one's work is terribly important."
--Bertrand Russell
***
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company,
I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was
stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of
the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed
description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan."
"It's the one on fire," he replied.
***
"My ten year old daughter asked me what a colon was and I
explained that it was a part of the body that food goes
through before being eliminated. Then she asked me what a
semicolon was and I told her that it was a colon the size
of a truck with eighteen wheels."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
From a passenger ship one can just barely see a bearded man
on a small island in the distance who is shouting and
desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so
he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the
banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how
his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull
just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker
suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of
all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced
all my neighbor's cows!"
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
No Bull
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A grief-stricken man
A grief-stricken man threw himself on a grave and cried bitterly, "My life, oh how senseless is it! How worthless everything about me, because you are gone. If only you had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how everything would have been different!" A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you." "Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sales Practice
The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. “Well,” the man began, “I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said ‘Yes.’ Then I asked her ‘Why?’ She replied, ‘Because I love you.’”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Doug and Bob were at the racetrack. Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on
a race, the track tells the government."
Bob says, "Well it could be worse."
Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won
$600?"
Bob sighs, "Telling your wife."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western
16 "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist."
15 "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw
upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
14 "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys'
room."
13 "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
12 "Y'know, Badlands Pete, a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie
breeze, just you 'n' me. What say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a
jig or two?"
11 "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
10 "I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me
straight."
9 "Let's see. Hardtack and pemmican. That's three grams of fat, seven grams
of protein, and two starches."
8 "Who let the dogies out?"
7 "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on
the gazpacho and the fondue."
6 "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
5 "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for
interior decoration."
4 "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
3 "Dangit, Jake, yer an enabler!"
2 "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from
Dodge."
and the number 1 line you'll never hear in a western...
1 "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS! Okay, now a little to the left. Oooh! Oooh! Stop
right there. Perfect!"
Monday, December 10, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 10th
Counting Calories
Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Beating around the bush - 75Jumping to conclusions - 100Climbing the walls - 150Swallowing your pride - 50Passing the buck - 25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300Dragging your heels - 100Pushing your luck - 250Making mountains out of molehills - 500Hitting the nail on the head - 50Wading through paperwork - 300Bending over backwards - 75Jumping on the bandwagon - 200Balancing the books - 25Running around in circles - 350Eating crow - 225Tooting your own horn - 25Climbing the ladder of success - 750Pulling out the stops - 75Adding fuel to the fire --160Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms - 50Putting your foot in your mouth - 300Starting the ball rolling - 90Going over the edge - 25Picking up the pieces after - 350
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ungracious Lawyer
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet. The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?"
Vernie blurted out, "Aces!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The old panhandler living in New York hears that his brother is very sick in
Los Angeles. By working day and night for a week he is able to beg enough to
buy his airplane ticket. He arrives at Kennedy Airport, goes to the ticket
counter, and plunks down all the money.
The clerk at the counter counts it and says to the man, "I'm sorry sir, but
you're a nickel short."
The panhandler tells the clerk that he'll be right back. He runs out in
front of the terminal and stops the first man he sees. "Mister, can you let
me have a nickel, so I can get to California?"
The stranger flips him a quarter and says, "Here, take four of your
friends."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble
bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway." -Mary Kay Ash
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Beer, the cause of and solution to, all life's problems."
-Homer Simpson
***
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal
labotomy." -Tom Waits
***
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me
- so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you
with beer." -Homer Simpson
***
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up
in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all
day." -Frank Sinatra
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz,
our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the
manager, Ahmed.
"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who
answered the phone.
"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."
"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"
"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.
"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying,
'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the
secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell
you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that
she told me."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A System of Taps
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Scully
Knock Knock! Who's there?Scully.Scully who?Scully wag!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Funny Signs
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Car Alarms
I was with a friend in a cafe when a noisy car alarm
interrupted our conversation.
"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to
them?" I wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last
summer, my teenager spent a lot of time over at the
neighbor's house. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to
the driveway and jostle his car."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
You don't know the pain of waiting in a slow checkout line until you've had
a cashier with 2-inch long fake nails feebly attempting to change the roll
of receipt paper.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
AMUSING QUOTE
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
~unknown
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Beating around the bush - 75Jumping to conclusions - 100Climbing the walls - 150Swallowing your pride - 50Passing the buck - 25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300Dragging your heels - 100Pushing your luck - 250Making mountains out of molehills - 500Hitting the nail on the head - 50Wading through paperwork - 300Bending over backwards - 75Jumping on the bandwagon - 200Balancing the books - 25Running around in circles - 350Eating crow - 225Tooting your own horn - 25Climbing the ladder of success - 750Pulling out the stops - 75Adding fuel to the fire --160Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms - 50Putting your foot in your mouth - 300Starting the ball rolling - 90Going over the edge - 25Picking up the pieces after - 350
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ungracious Lawyer
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet. The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?"
Vernie blurted out, "Aces!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The old panhandler living in New York hears that his brother is very sick in
Los Angeles. By working day and night for a week he is able to beg enough to
buy his airplane ticket. He arrives at Kennedy Airport, goes to the ticket
counter, and plunks down all the money.
The clerk at the counter counts it and says to the man, "I'm sorry sir, but
you're a nickel short."
The panhandler tells the clerk that he'll be right back. He runs out in
front of the terminal and stops the first man he sees. "Mister, can you let
me have a nickel, so I can get to California?"
The stranger flips him a quarter and says, "Here, take four of your
friends."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble
bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway." -Mary Kay Ash
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Beer, the cause of and solution to, all life's problems."
-Homer Simpson
***
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal
labotomy." -Tom Waits
***
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me
- so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you
with beer." -Homer Simpson
***
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up
in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all
day." -Frank Sinatra
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz,
our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the
manager, Ahmed.
"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who
answered the phone.
"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."
"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"
"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.
"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying,
'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the
secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell
you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that
she told me."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A System of Taps
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Scully
Knock Knock! Who's there?Scully.Scully who?Scully wag!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Funny Signs
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Car Alarms
I was with a friend in a cafe when a noisy car alarm
interrupted our conversation.
"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to
them?" I wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last
summer, my teenager spent a lot of time over at the
neighbor's house. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to
the driveway and jostle his car."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
You don't know the pain of waiting in a slow checkout line until you've had
a cashier with 2-inch long fake nails feebly attempting to change the roll
of receipt paper.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
AMUSING QUOTE
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
~unknown
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Sunday, December 09, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 9th
Early Shopping
It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?""Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant. "That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy."How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?""Before the store opened," replied the defendant!!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Blonde Christmas
Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Christmas Confusion
Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime"4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Hemingway HallA visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway.""Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.""Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?""Yes, indeed. He wrote a check."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
You are out of tune
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Feat of Strength
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Air Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
For my 30th birthday, my husband treated me to a day at a spa, highlighted
by an herbal body wrap. I was painted with an herbal mix, wrapped up in
cellophane and bound tightly with Ace bandages. I commented to my attendant
how uncomfortable women of the past must have felt wearing their corsets.
"Yeah," she said, nodding. "Aren't you glad we don't do crazy stuff like
that anymore?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Scientists Decode the First Low-Frequency Radio Waves From an Alien
Civilization Ever to Reach Earth...
"Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the
top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at
the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within
one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power
your civilization until entropy reaches maximum! IT REALLY WORKS but don't
break the chain. The last star system that broke the chain was instantly
sucked into a black hole never to be seen again.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's
flat." - Buzz Nutley
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ghost Indian
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there was a tapping on the window. "Ah Hoh!" "Hey guy!" "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!" Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window. The Ponca man driving shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour. "Step on it!" "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window. The driver shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour. Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window. "You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there." "I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour. About that time the little old man motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did. "Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A motorway walks into a pub one day...
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?""Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant. "That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy."How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?""Before the store opened," replied the defendant!!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Blonde Christmas
Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Christmas Confusion
Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime"4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Hemingway HallA visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway.""Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.""Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?""Yes, indeed. He wrote a check."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
You are out of tune
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Feat of Strength
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Air Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
For my 30th birthday, my husband treated me to a day at a spa, highlighted
by an herbal body wrap. I was painted with an herbal mix, wrapped up in
cellophane and bound tightly with Ace bandages. I commented to my attendant
how uncomfortable women of the past must have felt wearing their corsets.
"Yeah," she said, nodding. "Aren't you glad we don't do crazy stuff like
that anymore?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Scientists Decode the First Low-Frequency Radio Waves From an Alien
Civilization Ever to Reach Earth...
"Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the
top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at
the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within
one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power
your civilization until entropy reaches maximum! IT REALLY WORKS but don't
break the chain. The last star system that broke the chain was instantly
sucked into a black hole never to be seen again.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's
flat." - Buzz Nutley
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ghost Indian
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there was a tapping on the window. "Ah Hoh!" "Hey guy!" "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!" Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window. The Ponca man driving shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour. "Step on it!" "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window. The driver shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour. Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window. "You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there." "I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour. About that time the little old man motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did. "Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A motorway walks into a pub one day...
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Saturday, December 08, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 8th
AMUSING QUOTE
"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.â€
~Brendan Gill
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Hanukkah Tree
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?" "What? No, of course not." says his father. "Why not?" asks the child again.Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Dogs Rules For Christmas
. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:a. Don't pee on the treeb. Don't drink water in the container that holds the treec. Mind your tail when you are near the treed. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them opene. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leansb. Don't eat off the buffet tablec. Beg for goodies subtlyd. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofae. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the housec. Tolerate childrend. Turn on your charm big time7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.DON'T BITE HIM!!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Electric Trains
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
10 Reasons For A Raise
10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.8. Reindeer and elves have unionised, driving up his cost.7. New tax on flying sleighs.6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years.5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.1. The Mrs. told him to.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Singing Elf
What do you call an ELF who sings?A Wrapper!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
10 Days Of Christmas
The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas
On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,Some parts to a Mustang GT.On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,5 TURKEY WINGS 4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS 4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,11 rasslin tickets10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,12 pack of Bud11 rasslin tickets10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 table dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.
"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.â€
~Brendan Gill
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Hanukkah Tree
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?" "What? No, of course not." says his father. "Why not?" asks the child again.Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Dogs Rules For Christmas
. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:a. Don't pee on the treeb. Don't drink water in the container that holds the treec. Mind your tail when you are near the treed. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them opene. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leansb. Don't eat off the buffet tablec. Beg for goodies subtlyd. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofae. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the housec. Tolerate childrend. Turn on your charm big time7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.DON'T BITE HIM!!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Electric Trains
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
10 Reasons For A Raise
10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.8. Reindeer and elves have unionised, driving up his cost.7. New tax on flying sleighs.6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years.5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.1. The Mrs. told him to.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Singing Elf
What do you call an ELF who sings?A Wrapper!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
10 Days Of Christmas
The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas
On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,Some parts to a Mustang GT.On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,5 TURKEY WINGS 4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS 4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,11 rasslin tickets10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,12 pack of Bud11 rasslin tickets10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 table dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.
Friday, December 07, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 7th
I don't know about you, but I find those "Out-Of-The-Office" Email
Auto-replies so ordinary and tedious. Here are some alternatives.
1. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I
don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get
to it.
4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at
(insert Pointy-Haired Boss's cell phone number here).
5. The email server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your
computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this email so I will know that you got this message.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
HorseshoeOne day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?""Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Recess
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the
belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the
true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places
on your body where this is a possibility, you're not attrac-
tive. You are leaking." -Fran Lebowitz
***
"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread
to the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse,
and we will become a primitive society where we all run
around naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings.
Wouldn't that be GREAT?" --Dave Barry
***
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner
with." -Anonymous woman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Following the birth of our daughter, the nurse told my wife
that whe would have to take it easy. So for the next six
weeks, "You can't do any lifting, swimming, driving, sex..."
My wife stopped her there. "I can't drive for how long?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs,
a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer
pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one; I always do
the driving."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Reading of the Will
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death. “Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creamsA. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?A: Pi a'la mode.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Two Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night. After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot. When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Penguin Breakdown
A truck driver had to deliver five hundred penguins to the
state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert,
the truck broke down.
After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours,
he waved another truck down and offered the driver $500 to
take the penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day, the first truck driver arrived in town and saw
the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins
walking in single file behind him.
The first truck driver jumped out of his truck and said,
"What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to
the zoo!"
The second truck driver replied, "I did take them to the
zoo. And I had money left over, so now we're going to see a
movie."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I would play peek-a-boo with babies, but the game has no official ending.
Auto-replies so ordinary and tedious. Here are some alternatives.
1. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I
don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get
to it.
4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at
(insert Pointy-Haired Boss's cell phone number here).
5. The email server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your
computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this email so I will know that you got this message.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
HorseshoeOne day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?""Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Recess
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the
belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the
true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places
on your body where this is a possibility, you're not attrac-
tive. You are leaking." -Fran Lebowitz
***
"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread
to the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse,
and we will become a primitive society where we all run
around naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings.
Wouldn't that be GREAT?" --Dave Barry
***
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner
with." -Anonymous woman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Following the birth of our daughter, the nurse told my wife
that whe would have to take it easy. So for the next six
weeks, "You can't do any lifting, swimming, driving, sex..."
My wife stopped her there. "I can't drive for how long?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs,
a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer
pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one; I always do
the driving."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Reading of the Will
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death. “Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creamsA. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?A: Pi a'la mode.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Two Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night. After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot. When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Penguin Breakdown
A truck driver had to deliver five hundred penguins to the
state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert,
the truck broke down.
After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours,
he waved another truck down and offered the driver $500 to
take the penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day, the first truck driver arrived in town and saw
the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins
walking in single file behind him.
The first truck driver jumped out of his truck and said,
"What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to
the zoo!"
The second truck driver replied, "I did take them to the
zoo. And I had money left over, so now we're going to see a
movie."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I would play peek-a-boo with babies, but the game has no official ending.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)