A priest at the preschool
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?” He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?” The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?” “Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Our dentist office purchased a computer from a local dealer.
The day before it was to be delivered, we were informed that our order had
been misunderstood and the proper machine would not be ready until the
following week.
The appointed day arrived, but the computer did not. The delays continued
for over a month before we finally had our new desktop computer-the wrong
model. However, office management decided to accept it.
Weeks later a special-delivery package arrived at the office along with a
letter from the computer dealer, apologizing for the inconveniences. To show
that they valued our business, they asked us to accept the enclosed VCR. It
was a CD player.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 15th
50th Wedding Anniversary
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the
reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After
all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my
husband's spelling."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"One bad thing about working for yourself is if you call in and say your
grandmother died, you know you're just making it up." - Harrison Cockerill
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
189 Pieces
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a
birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in
189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put
together in an hour. However, it took the old man two days
to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut
it into 189 pieces, and mailed it off to the company.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Good Thinking
Little Vernie was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, mommy, why doesn't daddy have very many hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a diplomatic explanation for her husband's baldness.
Or she was until her son thought for a second and asked, "So, why do you have so much hair?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Burglar and VicarA burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money."The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Funny Quote
"Quotes are nothing but inspiration for the uninspired."~Richard Kemph
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Brain Transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure…very risky…but it’s the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves…”The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”The doctor quickly responded, “$100,000 for a male brain, and $1000 for a female brain.”The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask:“Why is the male brain so much more?”The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group: “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The World's Shortest Books:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton_______________________________________THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton ___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
By Osama Bin Laden ___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates ____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman _________________________________
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________ AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC___________________________________
A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
By Dr. J Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O.J. Simpson _________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
By Ted Kennedy ___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill ClintonWith introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson ******************************************************* AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Retiring to EnglandAn American couple was fond of England and of all things richly historic and aged. They decided to retire to London, where they hoped to buy a castle. Though that proved out of their price range, they did find a wonderful house, quite ancient, with a long and noble history.They found this house during their July vacation. They sold their house in Chicago and in November they crossed 'the pond' to retire.To their horror, they found that their new home was abysmally cold.They immediately set about trying to get a central heating system installed. Sadly, they were told by contractor after contractor that, in a house that old, it simply wasn't feasible."I was afraid it would come down to this," the husband finally said."What, honey?" the wife asked."We can't have archaic and heat it, too."
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the
reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After
all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my
husband's spelling."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"One bad thing about working for yourself is if you call in and say your
grandmother died, you know you're just making it up." - Harrison Cockerill
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
189 Pieces
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a
birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in
189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put
together in an hour. However, it took the old man two days
to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut
it into 189 pieces, and mailed it off to the company.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Good Thinking
Little Vernie was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, mommy, why doesn't daddy have very many hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with such a diplomatic explanation for her husband's baldness.
Or she was until her son thought for a second and asked, "So, why do you have so much hair?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Burglar and VicarA burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money."The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Funny Quote
"Quotes are nothing but inspiration for the uninspired."~Richard Kemph
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Brain Transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure…very risky…but it’s the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves…”The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”The doctor quickly responded, “$100,000 for a male brain, and $1000 for a female brain.”The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask:“Why is the male brain so much more?”The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group: “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The World's Shortest Books:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton_______________________________________THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton ___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
By Osama Bin Laden ___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates ____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman _________________________________
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________ AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC___________________________________
A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
By Dr. J Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O.J. Simpson _________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
By Ted Kennedy ___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill ClintonWith introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson ******************************************************* AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Retiring to EnglandAn American couple was fond of England and of all things richly historic and aged. They decided to retire to London, where they hoped to buy a castle. Though that proved out of their price range, they did find a wonderful house, quite ancient, with a long and noble history.They found this house during their July vacation. They sold their house in Chicago and in November they crossed 'the pond' to retire.To their horror, they found that their new home was abysmally cold.They immediately set about trying to get a central heating system installed. Sadly, they were told by contractor after contractor that, in a house that old, it simply wasn't feasible."I was afraid it would come down to this," the husband finally said."What, honey?" the wife asked."We can't have archaic and heat it, too."
Friday, December 14, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 14th
A priest at the preschool
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?” He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?” The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?” “Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.9. If it it's near me, it's mine.10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Locked Car
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Multiple Lives
What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by
legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year. The master
of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the
University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates
some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor
there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor
took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he
would be an extra set of hands.
The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's
surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were
literally a blur.
Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of
the day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of
you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."
"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
better?"
Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you really feel like
stripping the gears.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Embarrassing moments
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace. Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure. Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence. "Thank you," he said. "Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush. "Yes." "Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush. In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
This is Heaven
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Eating at a Chinese restaurant
My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Who Gets The Dog?
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Our dentist office purchased a computer from a local dealer.
The day before it was to be delivered, we were informed that our order had
been misunderstood and the proper machine would not be ready until the
following week.
The appointed day arrived, but the computer did not. The delays continued
for over a month before we finally had our new desktop computer-the wrong
model. However, office management decided to accept it.
Weeks later a special-delivery package arrived at the office along with a
letter from the computer dealer, apologizing for the inconveniences. To show
that they valued our business, they asked us to accept the enclosed VCR. It
was a CD player.
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?” He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?” The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?” “Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.9. If it it's near me, it's mine.10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Locked Car
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Multiple Lives
What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by
legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year. The master
of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the
University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates
some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor
there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor
took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he
would be an extra set of hands.
The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's
surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were
literally a blur.
Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of
the day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of
you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."
"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
better?"
Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you really feel like
stripping the gears.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Embarrassing moments
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace. Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure. Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence. "Thank you," he said. "Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush. "Yes." "Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush. In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
This is Heaven
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Eating at a Chinese restaurant
My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Who Gets The Dog?
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Our dentist office purchased a computer from a local dealer.
The day before it was to be delivered, we were informed that our order had
been misunderstood and the proper machine would not be ready until the
following week.
The appointed day arrived, but the computer did not. The delays continued
for over a month before we finally had our new desktop computer-the wrong
model. However, office management decided to accept it.
Weeks later a special-delivery package arrived at the office along with a
letter from the computer dealer, apologizing for the inconveniences. To show
that they valued our business, they asked us to accept the enclosed VCR. It
was a CD player.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 13th
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull."It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $. 75 per word."She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please.""And what word would that be?" inquires the man."Comfortable," replies the brunette.The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Brain Teaser
"If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo,
if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."~Dave Allen
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Brains
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks. "
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected,
"You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman without a brain, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Census TakerFive year old Becky answered the door when the Census Taker came by. She told the Census Taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy."My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?""Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
[I loaned the book "I'm a Stranger Here Myself" to TZ who
read two chapters and gave it back to me declaring it the
boringest drivel he's ever read. After pointing out to him
that 'boringest' is not a word I decided to print a couple
of excerpts here just to annoy him.]
"By almost universal agreement, the most vague and ineffectual
of all American presidents was Millard Fillmore, who succeeded
to the office in 1850 upon the death of Zachary Taylor and
spent the next three years demonstrating how the country would
have been run if they had just propped Taylor up in a chair
with cushions." --Bill Bryson in "I'm a Stranger Here Myself"
***
"Also admirable in his way was Franklin Pierce, who spent
virtually the whole of his incumbency hopelessly intoxicated,
prompting the affectionate slogan 'Franklin Pierce, the Hero
of Many a Well-Fought Bottle.'" --Bill Bryson later that same
chapter.
***
"A marmot is a varmot, but a varmot isn't necessarily a
marmot. A marmot is part of the rodent family, like a wood-
chuck or a prairiedog, whereas a varmot could be anything,
like TZ from Laff-a-day for instance." --Clean Laffs Joe
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if
you wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a
little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make
it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again..?" I'm cured?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
When my daughter was about 10 years old I became pregnant.
Of course, she wwanted to know how it happened,so I gave
what I considered an appropriate explanation of the process.
She asked, "Did you do that to get me?"
I said yes, and she responded, "And you did it again?"
-Arbuta McKee
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Grounded
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. "Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
More Cat Contemplation
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous "Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous "My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --Anonymous
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
George is so forgetful
“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back.” Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. “You'll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!” “See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he'd forget the sandwiches.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Pregnancy Q and A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?A: When the kids are in college.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Brain Teaser
"If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo,
if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."~Dave Allen
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Brains
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks. "
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected,
"You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman without a brain, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Census TakerFive year old Becky answered the door when the Census Taker came by. She told the Census Taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy."My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?""Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
[I loaned the book "I'm a Stranger Here Myself" to TZ who
read two chapters and gave it back to me declaring it the
boringest drivel he's ever read. After pointing out to him
that 'boringest' is not a word I decided to print a couple
of excerpts here just to annoy him.]
"By almost universal agreement, the most vague and ineffectual
of all American presidents was Millard Fillmore, who succeeded
to the office in 1850 upon the death of Zachary Taylor and
spent the next three years demonstrating how the country would
have been run if they had just propped Taylor up in a chair
with cushions." --Bill Bryson in "I'm a Stranger Here Myself"
***
"Also admirable in his way was Franklin Pierce, who spent
virtually the whole of his incumbency hopelessly intoxicated,
prompting the affectionate slogan 'Franklin Pierce, the Hero
of Many a Well-Fought Bottle.'" --Bill Bryson later that same
chapter.
***
"A marmot is a varmot, but a varmot isn't necessarily a
marmot. A marmot is part of the rodent family, like a wood-
chuck or a prairiedog, whereas a varmot could be anything,
like TZ from Laff-a-day for instance." --Clean Laffs Joe
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if
you wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a
little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make
it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again..?" I'm cured?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
When my daughter was about 10 years old I became pregnant.
Of course, she wwanted to know how it happened,so I gave
what I considered an appropriate explanation of the process.
She asked, "Did you do that to get me?"
I said yes, and she responded, "And you did it again?"
-Arbuta McKee
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Grounded
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. "Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
More Cat Contemplation
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous "Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous "My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --Anonymous
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
George is so forgetful
“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back.” Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. “You'll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!” “See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he'd forget the sandwiches.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Pregnancy Q and A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?A: When the kids are in college.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 12th
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Playing House
A little girl and little Vernie were playing in the yard. The girl
approaches the Vernie and says, "Hey Vernie, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Vernie. "I have
no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
What's In a Name?
A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!"
Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Marian'. I'm your mother, you know."
"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Gasoline TankOn my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them."What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked."It would go out," he replied in a very factual manner."Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?""No, the force from the explosion would blow out the match."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My son took his two-year-old boy, Gavin, fishing. He baited
a worm on to Gavin's hook and tossed it out into the water.
After a long time with no bites, he had Gavin reel in and
my son tossed it back out. This was repeated several times,
no bites. Some other people had caught some fish, but Gavin
had nothing.
Finally it was time to go, they reeled in for the last time.
Gavin looked at the worm and stated matter of factly, "I
think my worm is defective."
-Clarence Calkins
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A few years ago I was standing in the check-out line of a
local clothing store with my then six year old daughter.
While I was writing the check to pay for my purchase, my
daughter began tugging on my jacket.
"Daddy," she said softly.
"Yes baby?" I answered her.
"Do you smell something?" she asked innocently.
"No, I don't," I replied.
She got this evil little grin on her face as she said,
"You will."
-Dennis Weiskircher
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My aunt's young family with two boys ages 3 and 4, had
attended church one spring morning.
As they left the church the pastor said, "Well, look at
you boys, all bright eyed & bushy tailed!"
Joe the older boy loudly announced, "We don't got tails;
we've got Dinkys!"
My aunt was mortified.
-Patty Bauman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
What's the Time?
Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Contemplating Cats
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lovely Girl
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. “Turn the car around,” he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished. “Driver,” said the major, “you'd be a total loss in an emergency.” “I thought I did pretty well,” the driver said. “That was my girl.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Stewardess Announcement
A few years ago, I landed at the Honolulu airport and the
stewardess made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed at Honolulu and in a
few minutes we will be at the gate. In order to prevent any
injuries, please remain seated and keep your seat belt on
until we stop at the gate. Captain Phillips is an excellent
pilot, but he's a lousy driver."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnny was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johanna's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnny was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johanna's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Playing House
A little girl and little Vernie were playing in the yard. The girl
approaches the Vernie and says, "Hey Vernie, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Vernie. "I have
no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
What's In a Name?
A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!"
Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Marian'. I'm your mother, you know."
"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Gasoline TankOn my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them."What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked."It would go out," he replied in a very factual manner."Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?""No, the force from the explosion would blow out the match."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My son took his two-year-old boy, Gavin, fishing. He baited
a worm on to Gavin's hook and tossed it out into the water.
After a long time with no bites, he had Gavin reel in and
my son tossed it back out. This was repeated several times,
no bites. Some other people had caught some fish, but Gavin
had nothing.
Finally it was time to go, they reeled in for the last time.
Gavin looked at the worm and stated matter of factly, "I
think my worm is defective."
-Clarence Calkins
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A few years ago I was standing in the check-out line of a
local clothing store with my then six year old daughter.
While I was writing the check to pay for my purchase, my
daughter began tugging on my jacket.
"Daddy," she said softly.
"Yes baby?" I answered her.
"Do you smell something?" she asked innocently.
"No, I don't," I replied.
She got this evil little grin on her face as she said,
"You will."
-Dennis Weiskircher
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My aunt's young family with two boys ages 3 and 4, had
attended church one spring morning.
As they left the church the pastor said, "Well, look at
you boys, all bright eyed & bushy tailed!"
Joe the older boy loudly announced, "We don't got tails;
we've got Dinkys!"
My aunt was mortified.
-Patty Bauman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
What's the Time?
Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Contemplating Cats
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lovely Girl
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. “Turn the car around,” he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished. “Driver,” said the major, “you'd be a total loss in an emergency.” “I thought I did pretty well,” the driver said. “That was my girl.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Stewardess Announcement
A few years ago, I landed at the Honolulu airport and the
stewardess made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed at Honolulu and in a
few minutes we will be at the gate. In order to prevent any
injuries, please remain seated and keep your seat belt on
until we stop at the gate. Captain Phillips is an excellent
pilot, but he's a lousy driver."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnny was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johanna's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnny was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johanna's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 11th
Pilot and NavigatorThe pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and placed it on his chart table.The pilot asked, "What's that for?""To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is
the belief that one's work is terribly important."
--Bertrand Russell
***
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company,
I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was
stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of
the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed
description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan."
"It's the one on fire," he replied.
***
"My ten year old daughter asked me what a colon was and I
explained that it was a part of the body that food goes
through before being eliminated. Then she asked me what a
semicolon was and I told her that it was a colon the size
of a truck with eighteen wheels."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
From a passenger ship one can just barely see a bearded man
on a small island in the distance who is shouting and
desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so
he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the
banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how
his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull
just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker
suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of
all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced
all my neighbor's cows!"
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
No Bull
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A grief-stricken man
A grief-stricken man threw himself on a grave and cried bitterly, "My life, oh how senseless is it! How worthless everything about me, because you are gone. If only you had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how everything would have been different!" A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you." "Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sales Practice
The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. “Well,” the man began, “I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said ‘Yes.’ Then I asked her ‘Why?’ She replied, ‘Because I love you.’”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Doug and Bob were at the racetrack. Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on
a race, the track tells the government."
Bob says, "Well it could be worse."
Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won
$600?"
Bob sighs, "Telling your wife."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western
16 "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist."
15 "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw
upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
14 "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys'
room."
13 "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
12 "Y'know, Badlands Pete, a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie
breeze, just you 'n' me. What say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a
jig or two?"
11 "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
10 "I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me
straight."
9 "Let's see. Hardtack and pemmican. That's three grams of fat, seven grams
of protein, and two starches."
8 "Who let the dogies out?"
7 "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on
the gazpacho and the fondue."
6 "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
5 "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for
interior decoration."
4 "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
3 "Dangit, Jake, yer an enabler!"
2 "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from
Dodge."
and the number 1 line you'll never hear in a western...
1 "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS! Okay, now a little to the left. Oooh! Oooh! Stop
right there. Perfect!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is
the belief that one's work is terribly important."
--Bertrand Russell
***
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company,
I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was
stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of
the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed
description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan."
"It's the one on fire," he replied.
***
"My ten year old daughter asked me what a colon was and I
explained that it was a part of the body that food goes
through before being eliminated. Then she asked me what a
semicolon was and I told her that it was a colon the size
of a truck with eighteen wheels."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
From a passenger ship one can just barely see a bearded man
on a small island in the distance who is shouting and
desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so
he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the
banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how
his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull
just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker
suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of
all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced
all my neighbor's cows!"
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
No Bull
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A grief-stricken man
A grief-stricken man threw himself on a grave and cried bitterly, "My life, oh how senseless is it! How worthless everything about me, because you are gone. If only you had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how everything would have been different!" A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you." "Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sales Practice
The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. “Well,” the man began, “I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said ‘Yes.’ Then I asked her ‘Why?’ She replied, ‘Because I love you.’”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Doug and Bob were at the racetrack. Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on
a race, the track tells the government."
Bob says, "Well it could be worse."
Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won
$600?"
Bob sighs, "Telling your wife."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western
16 "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist."
15 "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw
upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
14 "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys'
room."
13 "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
12 "Y'know, Badlands Pete, a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie
breeze, just you 'n' me. What say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a
jig or two?"
11 "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
10 "I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me
straight."
9 "Let's see. Hardtack and pemmican. That's three grams of fat, seven grams
of protein, and two starches."
8 "Who let the dogies out?"
7 "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on
the gazpacho and the fondue."
6 "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
5 "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for
interior decoration."
4 "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
3 "Dangit, Jake, yer an enabler!"
2 "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from
Dodge."
and the number 1 line you'll never hear in a western...
1 "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS! Okay, now a little to the left. Oooh! Oooh! Stop
right there. Perfect!"
Monday, December 10, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 10th
Counting Calories
Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Beating around the bush - 75Jumping to conclusions - 100Climbing the walls - 150Swallowing your pride - 50Passing the buck - 25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300Dragging your heels - 100Pushing your luck - 250Making mountains out of molehills - 500Hitting the nail on the head - 50Wading through paperwork - 300Bending over backwards - 75Jumping on the bandwagon - 200Balancing the books - 25Running around in circles - 350Eating crow - 225Tooting your own horn - 25Climbing the ladder of success - 750Pulling out the stops - 75Adding fuel to the fire --160Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms - 50Putting your foot in your mouth - 300Starting the ball rolling - 90Going over the edge - 25Picking up the pieces after - 350
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ungracious Lawyer
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet. The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?"
Vernie blurted out, "Aces!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The old panhandler living in New York hears that his brother is very sick in
Los Angeles. By working day and night for a week he is able to beg enough to
buy his airplane ticket. He arrives at Kennedy Airport, goes to the ticket
counter, and plunks down all the money.
The clerk at the counter counts it and says to the man, "I'm sorry sir, but
you're a nickel short."
The panhandler tells the clerk that he'll be right back. He runs out in
front of the terminal and stops the first man he sees. "Mister, can you let
me have a nickel, so I can get to California?"
The stranger flips him a quarter and says, "Here, take four of your
friends."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble
bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway." -Mary Kay Ash
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Beer, the cause of and solution to, all life's problems."
-Homer Simpson
***
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal
labotomy." -Tom Waits
***
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me
- so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you
with beer." -Homer Simpson
***
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up
in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all
day." -Frank Sinatra
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz,
our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the
manager, Ahmed.
"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who
answered the phone.
"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."
"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"
"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.
"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying,
'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the
secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell
you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that
she told me."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A System of Taps
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Scully
Knock Knock! Who's there?Scully.Scully who?Scully wag!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Funny Signs
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Car Alarms
I was with a friend in a cafe when a noisy car alarm
interrupted our conversation.
"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to
them?" I wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last
summer, my teenager spent a lot of time over at the
neighbor's house. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to
the driveway and jostle his car."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
You don't know the pain of waiting in a slow checkout line until you've had
a cashier with 2-inch long fake nails feebly attempting to change the roll
of receipt paper.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
AMUSING QUOTE
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
~unknown
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Beating around the bush - 75Jumping to conclusions - 100Climbing the walls - 150Swallowing your pride - 50Passing the buck - 25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300Dragging your heels - 100Pushing your luck - 250Making mountains out of molehills - 500Hitting the nail on the head - 50Wading through paperwork - 300Bending over backwards - 75Jumping on the bandwagon - 200Balancing the books - 25Running around in circles - 350Eating crow - 225Tooting your own horn - 25Climbing the ladder of success - 750Pulling out the stops - 75Adding fuel to the fire --160Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms - 50Putting your foot in your mouth - 300Starting the ball rolling - 90Going over the edge - 25Picking up the pieces after - 350
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ungracious Lawyer
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet. The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?"
Vernie blurted out, "Aces!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The old panhandler living in New York hears that his brother is very sick in
Los Angeles. By working day and night for a week he is able to beg enough to
buy his airplane ticket. He arrives at Kennedy Airport, goes to the ticket
counter, and plunks down all the money.
The clerk at the counter counts it and says to the man, "I'm sorry sir, but
you're a nickel short."
The panhandler tells the clerk that he'll be right back. He runs out in
front of the terminal and stops the first man he sees. "Mister, can you let
me have a nickel, so I can get to California?"
The stranger flips him a quarter and says, "Here, take four of your
friends."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble
bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway." -Mary Kay Ash
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Beer, the cause of and solution to, all life's problems."
-Homer Simpson
***
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal
labotomy." -Tom Waits
***
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me
- so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you
with beer." -Homer Simpson
***
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up
in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all
day." -Frank Sinatra
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz,
our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the
manager, Ahmed.
"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who
answered the phone.
"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."
"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"
"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.
"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying,
'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the
secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell
you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that
she told me."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A System of Taps
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Scully
Knock Knock! Who's there?Scully.Scully who?Scully wag!
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Funny Signs
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
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Car Alarms
I was with a friend in a cafe when a noisy car alarm
interrupted our conversation.
"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to
them?" I wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last
summer, my teenager spent a lot of time over at the
neighbor's house. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to
the driveway and jostle his car."
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You don't know the pain of waiting in a slow checkout line until you've had
a cashier with 2-inch long fake nails feebly attempting to change the roll
of receipt paper.
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AMUSING QUOTE
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
~unknown
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Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Sunday, December 09, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 9th
Early Shopping
It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?""Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant. "That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy."How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?""Before the store opened," replied the defendant!!
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Blonde Christmas
Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"
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Christmas Confusion
Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime"4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!!"
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Hemingway HallA visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway.""Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.""Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?""Yes, indeed. He wrote a check."
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You are out of tune
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
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A Feat of Strength
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
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Air Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"
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Jumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
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For my 30th birthday, my husband treated me to a day at a spa, highlighted
by an herbal body wrap. I was painted with an herbal mix, wrapped up in
cellophane and bound tightly with Ace bandages. I commented to my attendant
how uncomfortable women of the past must have felt wearing their corsets.
"Yeah," she said, nodding. "Aren't you glad we don't do crazy stuff like
that anymore?"
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Scientists Decode the First Low-Frequency Radio Waves From an Alien
Civilization Ever to Reach Earth...
"Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the
top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at
the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within
one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power
your civilization until entropy reaches maximum! IT REALLY WORKS but don't
break the chain. The last star system that broke the chain was instantly
sucked into a black hole never to be seen again.
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"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's
flat." - Buzz Nutley
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Ghost Indian
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there was a tapping on the window. "Ah Hoh!" "Hey guy!" "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!" Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window. The Ponca man driving shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour. "Step on it!" "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window. The driver shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour. Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window. "You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there." "I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour. About that time the little old man motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did. "Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?"
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A motorway walks into a pub one day...
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
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It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?""Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant. "That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy."How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?""Before the store opened," replied the defendant!!
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Blonde Christmas
Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"
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Christmas Confusion
Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime"4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!!"
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Hemingway HallA visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway.""Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.""Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?""Yes, indeed. He wrote a check."
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You are out of tune
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
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A Feat of Strength
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
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Air Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"
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Jumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
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For my 30th birthday, my husband treated me to a day at a spa, highlighted
by an herbal body wrap. I was painted with an herbal mix, wrapped up in
cellophane and bound tightly with Ace bandages. I commented to my attendant
how uncomfortable women of the past must have felt wearing their corsets.
"Yeah," she said, nodding. "Aren't you glad we don't do crazy stuff like
that anymore?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Scientists Decode the First Low-Frequency Radio Waves From an Alien
Civilization Ever to Reach Earth...
"Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the
top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at
the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within
one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power
your civilization until entropy reaches maximum! IT REALLY WORKS but don't
break the chain. The last star system that broke the chain was instantly
sucked into a black hole never to be seen again.
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"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's
flat." - Buzz Nutley
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Ghost Indian
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there was a tapping on the window. "Ah Hoh!" "Hey guy!" "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!" Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window. The Ponca man driving shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour. "Step on it!" "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window. The driver shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour. Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window. "You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there." "I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour. About that time the little old man motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did. "Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?"
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A motorway walks into a pub one day...
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
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Saturday, December 08, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 8th
AMUSING QUOTE
"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.â€
~Brendan Gill
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Hanukkah Tree
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?" "What? No, of course not." says his father. "Why not?" asks the child again.Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."
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Dogs Rules For Christmas
. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:a. Don't pee on the treeb. Don't drink water in the container that holds the treec. Mind your tail when you are near the treed. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them opene. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leansb. Don't eat off the buffet tablec. Beg for goodies subtlyd. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofae. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the housec. Tolerate childrend. Turn on your charm big time7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.DON'T BITE HIM!!
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Electric Trains
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."
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10 Reasons For A Raise
10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.8. Reindeer and elves have unionised, driving up his cost.7. New tax on flying sleighs.6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years.5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.1. The Mrs. told him to.
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Singing Elf
What do you call an ELF who sings?A Wrapper!
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10 Days Of Christmas
The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas
On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,Some parts to a Mustang GT.On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,5 TURKEY WINGS 4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS 4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,11 rasslin tickets10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,12 pack of Bud11 rasslin tickets10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 table dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.
"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.â€
~Brendan Gill
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Hanukkah Tree
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?" "What? No, of course not." says his father. "Why not?" asks the child again.Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."
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Dogs Rules For Christmas
. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:a. Don't pee on the treeb. Don't drink water in the container that holds the treec. Mind your tail when you are near the treed. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them opene. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leansb. Don't eat off the buffet tablec. Beg for goodies subtlyd. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofae. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the housec. Tolerate childrend. Turn on your charm big time7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.DON'T BITE HIM!!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Electric Trains
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."
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10 Reasons For A Raise
10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.8. Reindeer and elves have unionised, driving up his cost.7. New tax on flying sleighs.6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years.5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.1. The Mrs. told him to.
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Singing Elf
What do you call an ELF who sings?A Wrapper!
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10 Days Of Christmas
The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas
On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,Some parts to a Mustang GT.On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,5 TURKEY WINGS 4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS 4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,11 rasslin tickets10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 manly dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,12 pack of Bud11 rasslin tickets10 Copenhagen9 years probation8 table dancers7 packs of Red Man6 cans of Spam5 TURKEY WINGS4 mud tires3 shotgun shells2 huntin dawgsand some parts to a Mustang GT.
Friday, December 07, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 7th
I don't know about you, but I find those "Out-Of-The-Office" Email
Auto-replies so ordinary and tedious. Here are some alternatives.
1. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I
don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get
to it.
4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at
(insert Pointy-Haired Boss's cell phone number here).
5. The email server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your
computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this email so I will know that you got this message.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
HorseshoeOne day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?""Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Recess
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the
belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the
true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places
on your body where this is a possibility, you're not attrac-
tive. You are leaking." -Fran Lebowitz
***
"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread
to the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse,
and we will become a primitive society where we all run
around naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings.
Wouldn't that be GREAT?" --Dave Barry
***
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner
with." -Anonymous woman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Following the birth of our daughter, the nurse told my wife
that whe would have to take it easy. So for the next six
weeks, "You can't do any lifting, swimming, driving, sex..."
My wife stopped her there. "I can't drive for how long?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs,
a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer
pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one; I always do
the driving."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Reading of the Will
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death. “Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creamsA. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?A: Pi a'la mode.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Two Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night. After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot. When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Penguin Breakdown
A truck driver had to deliver five hundred penguins to the
state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert,
the truck broke down.
After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours,
he waved another truck down and offered the driver $500 to
take the penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day, the first truck driver arrived in town and saw
the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins
walking in single file behind him.
The first truck driver jumped out of his truck and said,
"What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to
the zoo!"
The second truck driver replied, "I did take them to the
zoo. And I had money left over, so now we're going to see a
movie."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I would play peek-a-boo with babies, but the game has no official ending.
Auto-replies so ordinary and tedious. Here are some alternatives.
1. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I
don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get
to it.
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(insert Pointy-Haired Boss's cell phone number here).
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computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this email so I will know that you got this message.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
HorseshoeOne day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?""Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Recess
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the
belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the
true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places
on your body where this is a possibility, you're not attrac-
tive. You are leaking." -Fran Lebowitz
***
"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread
to the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse,
and we will become a primitive society where we all run
around naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings.
Wouldn't that be GREAT?" --Dave Barry
***
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner
with." -Anonymous woman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Following the birth of our daughter, the nurse told my wife
that whe would have to take it easy. So for the next six
weeks, "You can't do any lifting, swimming, driving, sex..."
My wife stopped her there. "I can't drive for how long?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs,
a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer
pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one; I always do
the driving."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Reading of the Will
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death. “Being of sound mind,” read the lawyer, “I spent every last cent before I died.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creamsA. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?A: Pi a'la mode.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Two Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night. After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot. When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Penguin Breakdown
A truck driver had to deliver five hundred penguins to the
state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert,
the truck broke down.
After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours,
he waved another truck down and offered the driver $500 to
take the penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day, the first truck driver arrived in town and saw
the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins
walking in single file behind him.
The first truck driver jumped out of his truck and said,
"What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to
the zoo!"
The second truck driver replied, "I did take them to the
zoo. And I had money left over, so now we're going to see a
movie."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I would play peek-a-boo with babies, but the game has no official ending.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
hUMOR Dec 6th
Catfish vs. Orange Roughy
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jumping on BedsConnie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that if he fell, he would hurt himself badly.Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds.Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"A recent study has found that more senior citizens than
ever are entering college. College faculty says that the
seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots
just for the Jell-O." --Conan O'Brien
***
"A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks
in San Francisco. Police defused the device, saving over
$85 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated
from the Starbucks. They were taken to the Starbucks to
two doors down." --Jay Leno
***
"Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may start allowing
wrestlers now to wear pants. Ah, great there goes the sex
appeal." --Dave Letterman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
On a whim a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and
surprise her after work.
The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at
the flowers in his hand and started screaming, "This is
the worst day that I have EVER had! The kids have been
terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine
broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog
chewed up my best pair of shoes...AND NOW YOU'VE GOT THE
NERVE TO COME HOME DRUNK!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record
at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at
one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize
I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I
didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in
question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Catfish Jokes
Q. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?A. One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish! Q. What is the difference between a bearded lawyer and a catfish?A. One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Spaghetti Sauce
Stumpy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving. In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Stumpy's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Toddler Miracle Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!! DAY ONE---- Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handfull of potato chips, and a glass of milk ( 3 sips only, then spill the rest) Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor........... DAY TWO----- Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handfull of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker untill sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE----- Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handfull of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible. FINAL DAY---- Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Watch Out For That Tree
A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?" The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Incorrect Email Address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon forty years
earlier. Now, because of their very hectic schedule, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband
left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife
was going to fly there the following day. The husband
checked into the hotel, but unlike when they were there the
first time forty years earlier, there was a computer in the
room and he decided to send an email to his wife. As he
typed out the address, however, he accidentally made a
one-letter mistake in the email address.
Meanwhile, in Houston, Texas, a Baptist pastor had just had
a heart attack and died. His wife returned home from the
funeral and decided to check her email, thinking that there
might be messages from relatives and so on. After reading
the first message, she screamed and fainted dead away. The
widow's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the
floor. He then saw the computer screen, and here is what it
said:
"To my darling wife, I know that you are surprised to hear
from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to
send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
checked in. I see that everything's been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing you then. I
hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
"P.S. It sure is hot down here!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How To Cure Baldness
1. Tie a container of water to a roof rafter so that it hangs down to
shoulder-level.
2. Sit in a chair under this container of water.
3. Rub a large amount of salt on your bald spot.
4. The hairs under the skin will become thirsty from all the salt and come
out of the skin, traveling upwards to find the water you have hung above
your head.
5. As soon as each hair has appeared to sufficient length, quickly tie a
knot in it to prevent it from going back into your head when you get up.
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Jumping on BedsConnie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that if he fell, he would hurt himself badly.Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds.Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"A recent study has found that more senior citizens than
ever are entering college. College faculty says that the
seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots
just for the Jell-O." --Conan O'Brien
***
"A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks
in San Francisco. Police defused the device, saving over
$85 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated
from the Starbucks. They were taken to the Starbucks to
two doors down." --Jay Leno
***
"Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may start allowing
wrestlers now to wear pants. Ah, great there goes the sex
appeal." --Dave Letterman
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
On a whim a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and
surprise her after work.
The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at
the flowers in his hand and started screaming, "This is
the worst day that I have EVER had! The kids have been
terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine
broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog
chewed up my best pair of shoes...AND NOW YOU'VE GOT THE
NERVE TO COME HOME DRUNK!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record
at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at
one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize
I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I
didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in
question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Catfish Jokes
Q. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?A. One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish! Q. What is the difference between a bearded lawyer and a catfish?A. One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Spaghetti Sauce
Stumpy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving. In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Stumpy's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Toddler Miracle Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!! DAY ONE---- Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handfull of potato chips, and a glass of milk ( 3 sips only, then spill the rest) Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor........... DAY TWO----- Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handfull of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker untill sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE----- Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handfull of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible. FINAL DAY---- Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar.. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Watch Out For That Tree
A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?" The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Incorrect Email Address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon forty years
earlier. Now, because of their very hectic schedule, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband
left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife
was going to fly there the following day. The husband
checked into the hotel, but unlike when they were there the
first time forty years earlier, there was a computer in the
room and he decided to send an email to his wife. As he
typed out the address, however, he accidentally made a
one-letter mistake in the email address.
Meanwhile, in Houston, Texas, a Baptist pastor had just had
a heart attack and died. His wife returned home from the
funeral and decided to check her email, thinking that there
might be messages from relatives and so on. After reading
the first message, she screamed and fainted dead away. The
widow's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the
floor. He then saw the computer screen, and here is what it
said:
"To my darling wife, I know that you are surprised to hear
from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to
send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
checked in. I see that everything's been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing you then. I
hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
"P.S. It sure is hot down here!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How To Cure Baldness
1. Tie a container of water to a roof rafter so that it hangs down to
shoulder-level.
2. Sit in a chair under this container of water.
3. Rub a large amount of salt on your bald spot.
4. The hairs under the skin will become thirsty from all the salt and come
out of the skin, traveling upwards to find the water you have hung above
your head.
5. As soon as each hair has appeared to sufficient length, quickly tie a
knot in it to prevent it from going back into your head when you get up.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 5th
Volkswagen Beetle and the Rolls Royce
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen.
======================= (It's ok... The joke is CLEAN.)
======================
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Cat Musings"
I think this is pretty much how cats think in their heads - you can tell by the way that they look at you and make you feel like a commoner.
To go outside, and there perchance to stayOr to remain within: that is the question:Whether 'tis better for a cat to sufferThe cuffs and buffets of inclement weatherThat Nature rains on those who roam abroad,Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,And so by dozing melt the solid hoursThat clog the clock's bright gears with sullen timeAnd stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stareOutdoors, and by a stare to seem to stateA wish to venture forth without delay,Then when the portal's opened up, to standAs if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;To choose not knowing when we may once moreOur readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,And going out and coming in were madeAs simple as the breaking of a bowl,What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,The trampled tail, and all the daily shocksThat fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,He might his exodus or entrance makeWith a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,But that the dread of our unheeded criesAnd scratches at a barricaded doorNo claw can open up, dispels our nerveAnd makes us rather bear our humans' faultsThan run away to unguessed miseries?Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;And thus the bristling hair of resolutionIs softened up with the pale brush of thought,And since our choices hinge on weighty things,We pause upon the threshold of decision.
(Shakespaw) (Author Unknown)
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Bathroom ExasperationAs the lone female in our house, Shar found that certain male habits have really begun to get on her nerves. One day, she emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when Shar’s friend bumped into her husband Dan."What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" Shar raged."I know," Shar’s friend said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"According to a study, they found common words used by
happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also
found common words used by other people to describe happy
people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno
***
"Students were invited to city hall to pitch ways to make
dangerous intersections safer for pedestrians. Meanwhile,
city government continues to ignore my most-effective idea
to safeguard pedestrians--Nerf cars." --Jimmy Fallon
***
"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud,
but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without
doing any productive work or contributing anything to society,
my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" --Dave Barry
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having a
old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you
never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you
get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds.
Please promise me you'll try to work on that."
The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what
was that you were saying?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what hours
the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week".
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh... Pacific."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Portrait
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University
of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his
asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class
assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and
submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the
grade was so poor.
The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting
were incorrect.
"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The
shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the
professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus,"
he said.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Perfect Wife
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed... But the law allows only one wife...
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Broken Doll
Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break. "What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor. "My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed. "How did he break it, Emily?" "I hit him over the head with it."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen.
======================= (It's ok... The joke is CLEAN.)
======================
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Cat Musings"
I think this is pretty much how cats think in their heads - you can tell by the way that they look at you and make you feel like a commoner.
To go outside, and there perchance to stayOr to remain within: that is the question:Whether 'tis better for a cat to sufferThe cuffs and buffets of inclement weatherThat Nature rains on those who roam abroad,Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,And so by dozing melt the solid hoursThat clog the clock's bright gears with sullen timeAnd stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stareOutdoors, and by a stare to seem to stateA wish to venture forth without delay,Then when the portal's opened up, to standAs if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;To choose not knowing when we may once moreOur readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,And going out and coming in were madeAs simple as the breaking of a bowl,What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,The trampled tail, and all the daily shocksThat fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,He might his exodus or entrance makeWith a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,But that the dread of our unheeded criesAnd scratches at a barricaded doorNo claw can open up, dispels our nerveAnd makes us rather bear our humans' faultsThan run away to unguessed miseries?Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;And thus the bristling hair of resolutionIs softened up with the pale brush of thought,And since our choices hinge on weighty things,We pause upon the threshold of decision.
(Shakespaw) (Author Unknown)
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Bathroom ExasperationAs the lone female in our house, Shar found that certain male habits have really begun to get on her nerves. One day, she emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when Shar’s friend bumped into her husband Dan."What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" Shar raged."I know," Shar’s friend said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"According to a study, they found common words used by
happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also
found common words used by other people to describe happy
people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno
***
"Students were invited to city hall to pitch ways to make
dangerous intersections safer for pedestrians. Meanwhile,
city government continues to ignore my most-effective idea
to safeguard pedestrians--Nerf cars." --Jimmy Fallon
***
"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud,
but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without
doing any productive work or contributing anything to society,
my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" --Dave Barry
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having a
old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you
never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you
get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds.
Please promise me you'll try to work on that."
The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what
was that you were saying?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what hours
the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week".
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh... Pacific."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Portrait
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University
of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his
asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class
assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and
submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the
grade was so poor.
The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting
were incorrect.
"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The
shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the
professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus,"
he said.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Perfect Wife
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed... But the law allows only one wife...
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Broken Doll
Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break. "What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor. "My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed. "How did he break it, Emily?" "I hit him over the head with it."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 4th
"Buffet" is a French term. It means, "Get up and get it yourself" - Greg Ray
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Employment Application
While filling out an employment application, a man paused
over this question: "Person to notify in case of an
accident."
Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Miracle CureDoctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis. had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and amazingly emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that
all men are created jerks." --H. Allen Smith
***
"This has all the earmarks of an eyesore." --James McSheehy,
member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, commenting
on a construction project he opposed.
***
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our
daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle,
I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a
little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-
checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of
the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my
leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in
the chin.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts.
The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several
single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like
who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my
teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some
of my teeth were chipped.
"It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said.
"No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said
I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Alex
Knock KnockWho's there!Alex!Alex who?Alex Plain later! Knock KnockWho's there!Alex!Alex who?Alex the questions round here!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lawyers & Charity
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Wanna Play House?
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Vernie, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate." He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Physical Problems
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
My son arrived back in the States after fighting with the First Marine
Division in Iraq, but I still couldn't help reacting like a
mom when I saw him running over to some buddies to return a bayonet.
"Kevin," I shouted across the base before could stop myself, "don't run with
that knife in your hands!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Health Questions and Answers
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable slop.
Q: Is Soda Pop bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all
know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that soda pop is not an animal,
and it is not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one
thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a cold cola and enjoy your liquid
vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this discussion has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
Now, go eat some lard and be healthy.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
CleanQuote
"Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Oneness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning.
After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Employment Application
While filling out an employment application, a man paused
over this question: "Person to notify in case of an
accident."
Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Miracle CureDoctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis. had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and amazingly emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that
all men are created jerks." --H. Allen Smith
***
"This has all the earmarks of an eyesore." --James McSheehy,
member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, commenting
on a construction project he opposed.
***
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our
daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle,
I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a
little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-
checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of
the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my
leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in
the chin.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts.
The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several
single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like
who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my
teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some
of my teeth were chipped.
"It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said.
"No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said
I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Alex
Knock KnockWho's there!Alex!Alex who?Alex Plain later! Knock KnockWho's there!Alex!Alex who?Alex the questions round here!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Lawyers & Charity
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Wanna Play House?
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Vernie, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate." He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Physical Problems
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
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My son arrived back in the States after fighting with the First Marine
Division in Iraq, but I still couldn't help reacting like a
mom when I saw him running over to some buddies to return a bayonet.
"Kevin," I shouted across the base before could stop myself, "don't run with
that knife in your hands!"
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Health Questions and Answers
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable slop.
Q: Is Soda Pop bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all
know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that soda pop is not an animal,
and it is not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one
thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a cold cola and enjoy your liquid
vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this discussion has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
Now, go eat some lard and be healthy.
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If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.
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CleanQuote
"Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses."
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"Oneness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning.
After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"
Monday, December 03, 2007
hUMOR For Dec 3rd
Rice Preference
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."
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Yogurt
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
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Algebraic Answering Machine Message
Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks) 10Q You're welcome!
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In a department store, Sandra and a patient clerk were having a hard time
getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable. Finally, Sandra
said in annoyance, "Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"
"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you coming and left."
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Signs That An Athlete Is Using A Banned Substance:
Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker,
although he's on the chess team.
Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's
French Open.
Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.
Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds in
the 100-meter freestyle.
His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.
Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.
Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."
Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to "Old Man River."
Forget Nike and Reebok-he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.
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I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
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The commander of the C-141 was in a hurry to fly out of the U.S. air base in Thule, Greenland. But everything was working against him. The truck to pump the sewage from the plane was late, and then the airman pumping out the tank was taking his time. The commander berated the lowly airman, threatening to have him punished. Turning to the officer, the airman said, "I have no stripes, it's 40 degrees below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I'm pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just how do you plan on punishing me?" -- James Stilwell
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Sitting at a stoplight, I was puzzling over the meaning of the vanity plate on the car in front of me. It read "Innie." Then I got it. The make of the car was Audi. -- Kathy Johnson
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While waiting in line for the Tilt-A-Whirl, I overheard my two nephews arguing. "Aunt Staci's going with me!" insisted Yoni."No," said his brother, "she's going with me!"Flattered at being so popular, I promised Yoni, "You and I can go on the merry-go-round.""But I want you on this ride," he protested. "Why?" "Because the more weight, the faster it goes." -- Staci Margulis, Chicago, Ill.
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The DVD player had conked out and we weren't able to watch the movie we'd rented. Then my husband had a brilliant idea: "Why don't we use the PlayStation?" We pushed all the buttons, but couldn't get it to work, so we gave up and went upstairs. We were reading in bed when our 17-year-old son appeared in our doorway."Someone left a DVD in my PlayStation," he said."We were trying to watch a movie on it," my husband admitted, "but we couldn't get past the parental control screen." "What a shame," our son said as he smiled and closed the door. -- Connie Ames
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"The day after Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of
the year. I went out. It was aggressive. I got pushed, I
got shoved, I got groped. Heck I'm going back tomorrow!"
--Dave Letterman
***
"Are you like me and on Thanksgiving you really didn't give
thanks until the relatives went home?" --Jay Leno
***
"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a
game of charades." -Demetri Martin
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Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner
had to call an electrician, a roofer and a carpenter. One
afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's
truck in the driveway.
"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be
having an affair."
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Q. What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered
a martini?
A. Olive or twist?
I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for
beetles?" I asked the clerk.
"No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."
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Misheard Christmas Lyrics
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: - Olive, the other reindeer. - Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say - Sleep in heavenly peas - In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown - You'll go down in listerine - Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay - Come, froggy faithful - You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require" \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
A Nice Boy?
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
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Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
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The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Yogurt
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Algebraic Answering Machine Message
Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks) 10Q You're welcome!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
In a department store, Sandra and a patient clerk were having a hard time
getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable. Finally, Sandra
said in annoyance, "Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"
"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you coming and left."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Signs That An Athlete Is Using A Banned Substance:
Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker,
although he's on the chess team.
Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's
French Open.
Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.
Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds in
the 100-meter freestyle.
His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.
Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.
Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."
Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to "Old Man River."
Forget Nike and Reebok-he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The commander of the C-141 was in a hurry to fly out of the U.S. air base in Thule, Greenland. But everything was working against him. The truck to pump the sewage from the plane was late, and then the airman pumping out the tank was taking his time. The commander berated the lowly airman, threatening to have him punished. Turning to the officer, the airman said, "I have no stripes, it's 40 degrees below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I'm pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just how do you plan on punishing me?" -- James Stilwell
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Sitting at a stoplight, I was puzzling over the meaning of the vanity plate on the car in front of me. It read "Innie." Then I got it. The make of the car was Audi. -- Kathy Johnson
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
While waiting in line for the Tilt-A-Whirl, I overheard my two nephews arguing. "Aunt Staci's going with me!" insisted Yoni."No," said his brother, "she's going with me!"Flattered at being so popular, I promised Yoni, "You and I can go on the merry-go-round.""But I want you on this ride," he protested. "Why?" "Because the more weight, the faster it goes." -- Staci Margulis, Chicago, Ill.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The DVD player had conked out and we weren't able to watch the movie we'd rented. Then my husband had a brilliant idea: "Why don't we use the PlayStation?" We pushed all the buttons, but couldn't get it to work, so we gave up and went upstairs. We were reading in bed when our 17-year-old son appeared in our doorway."Someone left a DVD in my PlayStation," he said."We were trying to watch a movie on it," my husband admitted, "but we couldn't get past the parental control screen." "What a shame," our son said as he smiled and closed the door. -- Connie Ames
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"The day after Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of
the year. I went out. It was aggressive. I got pushed, I
got shoved, I got groped. Heck I'm going back tomorrow!"
--Dave Letterman
***
"Are you like me and on Thanksgiving you really didn't give
thanks until the relatives went home?" --Jay Leno
***
"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a
game of charades." -Demetri Martin
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner
had to call an electrician, a roofer and a carpenter. One
afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's
truck in the driveway.
"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be
having an affair."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Q. What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered
a martini?
A. Olive or twist?
I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for
beetles?" I asked the clerk.
"No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Misheard Christmas Lyrics
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: - Olive, the other reindeer. - Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say - Sleep in heavenly peas - In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown - You'll go down in listerine - Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay - Come, froggy faithful - You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require" \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
A Nice Boy?
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
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