I MAY HAVE USED THIS hUMOR EARLER, IF SO ENJOY IT THE SECOND TIME
Rookie Pitcher
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman follows her husband
A woman followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Child's Perspective on Retirement
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. "They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. "They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. "At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. "My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. "My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
"An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from the playground.
They're afraid that the game could affect children's self esteem. This also
could prevent the spread of 'kooties'." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
QuestionnaireAn Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number." --David Letterman "Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is now being accused of having oral sex at a train station. When asked about it, Craig said, 'What can I say? I love public transportation.'" --Conan O'Brien "Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled." --Jay Leno "Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.'" --Conan O'Brien "In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans." --Jay Leno "Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, "I Love Obama." Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered." --Conan O'Brien "Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode." --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Smoke Detector
The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
+++++++++++++++++++
Better Grades
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." - Johann Sebastian
Bach
+++++++++++++++++++
”Dead Horse Theory”
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course:
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pupil's Question"
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The world's full of apathy, but I don't care."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bird-Hater"
A bird-hater went to the beach with a pocket full of pebbles to throw at them.
He left no tern unstoned.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear
gas to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear
gas in New Jersey? Air freshener." -Jay Leno
***
"According to a new study, polar bears will probably be ex-
tinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can."
-Dave Letterman
***
"It's been rumored that Britney Spears will appear on the
Emmy Awards to apologize for her performance on the MTV
Awards. Then Britney will appear on the Grammys to apologize
for her performance at the Emmys." -Conan O'Brien
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 26th
College Majors
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pick One
Our family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my
mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was
standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisle
one by one.
Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said,
"So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one
rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.
The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's
house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The
old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.
"Has she ever had a rope on her"?
"Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year!
The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As
soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted. In a dead run, she
pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the
mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped,
and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a
rope on her before!"
"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing."
+++++++++++++++++++
A red head and a blonde were walking along in a park one morning. Suddenly, I noticed
a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," I said sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My dog and I are working on a new product. It's a combination toilet bowl
cleaner and dog breath freshener.
+++++++++++++++++++
Zookeeper's DilemmaA zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."No, that won't work, he thought and tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
+++++++++++++++++++
What He Says - What He Means
- "I'm going fishing." Really means: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
- "It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
-"Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
- "Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear." Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
- "It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
- "We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
- "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
- "That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?"
- "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
- "I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
- "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
- "You look terrific." Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.
- "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
+++++++++++++++++++
"The New York City subway system announced that it will hire
350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the
number of workers cleaning the subway to 350." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The National Hobo Convention opened yesterday in Britt,
Iowa. Planned activities include a parade, a flea market
and a knife fight over a bottle of hooch." -Jay Leno
***
"The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning
he was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contri-
bution to peace, human rights, religious understanding...
unfortunately, a few hours after the ceremony, he was strip-
ped of his medal after testing positive for performance-
enhancing drugs." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of
Rutgers University.
The new flock of kids attending college always includes
those who need a little help with everyday chores they
themselves never did before, such as laundry or grocery-
shopping.
I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened
the carton to check them over before putting them in my
cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton...
then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing
of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The
personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one
broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
+++++++++++++++++++
Divorce vs. Murder
A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband at a fancy restauant, having dinner with the
pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,
that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never have children, only grandchildren." - Gore Vidal
+++++++++++++++++++
Hut-2-3-4....
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
+++++++++++++++++++
Pick One
Our family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my
mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was
standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisle
one by one.
Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said,
"So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one
rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.
The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's
house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The
old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.
"Has she ever had a rope on her"?
"Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year!
The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As
soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted. In a dead run, she
pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the
mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped,
and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a
rope on her before!"
"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing."
+++++++++++++++++++
A red head and a blonde were walking along in a park one morning. Suddenly, I noticed
a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," I said sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My dog and I are working on a new product. It's a combination toilet bowl
cleaner and dog breath freshener.
+++++++++++++++++++
Zookeeper's DilemmaA zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."No, that won't work, he thought and tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
+++++++++++++++++++
What He Says - What He Means
- "I'm going fishing." Really means: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
- "It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
-"Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
- "Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear." Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
- "It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
- "We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
- "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
- "That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?"
- "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
- "I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
- "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
- "You look terrific." Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.
- "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
+++++++++++++++++++
"The New York City subway system announced that it will hire
350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the
number of workers cleaning the subway to 350." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The National Hobo Convention opened yesterday in Britt,
Iowa. Planned activities include a parade, a flea market
and a knife fight over a bottle of hooch." -Jay Leno
***
"The Dalai Lama is here in the United States. This morning
he was awarded the congressional gold medal for his contri-
bution to peace, human rights, religious understanding...
unfortunately, a few hours after the ceremony, he was strip-
ped of his medal after testing positive for performance-
enhancing drugs." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of
Rutgers University.
The new flock of kids attending college always includes
those who need a little help with everyday chores they
themselves never did before, such as laundry or grocery-
shopping.
I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened
the carton to check them over before putting them in my
cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton...
then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing
of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The
personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one
broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
+++++++++++++++++++
Divorce vs. Murder
A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the
law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband at a fancy restauant, having dinner with the
pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,
that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never have children, only grandchildren." - Gore Vidal
+++++++++++++++++++
Hut-2-3-4....
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
Thursday, October 25, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 25th
+++++++++++++++++++
Discussion
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
+++++++++++++++++++
Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Good Eyes
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up. "My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
+++++++++++++++++++
OkraEverything you always suspected but could never get confirmed by a reputable news source."The Shocking Truth About Okra!"©1987, 2007 by Joe Hickman, editor and Doctor of OkraIt is a well-known fact that common garden insects will NOT eat okra. Neither will uncommon garden insects. That should tell you something.Some say okra is a vegetable; others say it's a fruit. Most people can't recall ever having said anything at all about okra. Except possibly, "Are those legless geckos sleeping near my mashed potatoes?"Even people who don't eat okra may find it useful -- for example, as a green plumb-bob for a vegetarian architect.A pod of okra on a gold chain makes an excellent conversation piece. You can tell everyone that's it's an Elk's tooth -- with plaque.Okra can be boiled, fried, steamed, or pickled. But no matter what you do to it, it still tastes exactly like okra.Remember, boiled okra is so slippery, you may think you're swallowing little green oysters.Consuming fried okra north of the Mason-Dixon line is considered gastric perversion and may lead close friends to refer to you as "magnolia breath."You campers will be happy to hear that dried okra makes great bio-degradable tent stakes.Please beware of the Great Okra Swindle. Certain unethical supermarkets are painting okra yellow and attempting to sell it as miniature Peruvian bananas. You can sure tell the difference in a banana pudding.Tom's note:For the curious, a picture of Okra can be found at this address:http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.fruits-vegetables-spices.com/lagre_vegetables/baby_okra.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.fruits-vegetables-spices.com/babyokra(bhindi).htm&h=278&w=245&sz=19&tbnid=78Ka4IuKVqGrCM:&tbnh=114&tbnw=100&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dokra%2Bphoto%26um%3D1&start=2&sa=X&oi=images&ct=image&cd=2+
+++++++++++++++++++
"There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. What
would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I
need some Space Mountain." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the
Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said,
'Who's the bald chick in the dress?'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"Campaign news: Hillary Clinton, so far, has raised $35
million in three months. That's the most money raised by
any woman if you don't count what Oprah has made since
March." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's
Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests
near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made
some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about
the conditions we might run into, we drove on.
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain
Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles
farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles." The next one
was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.
We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery,
and it read: "Ice 75 cents."
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite
friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who
had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,
with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship
might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age
difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He
looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone
who's 104?'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Morris and his Rabbi
Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent." "What was the sin?" the rabbi asked. "It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread." "Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?" "I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant." The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?" "I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed." "And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked. Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."
+++++++++++++++++++
Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. - Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. - A harp is a nude piano. - Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. - I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. - My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. - Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. - Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
Discussion
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
+++++++++++++++++++
Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Good Eyes
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up. "My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
+++++++++++++++++++
OkraEverything you always suspected but could never get confirmed by a reputable news source."The Shocking Truth About Okra!"©1987, 2007 by Joe Hickman, editor and Doctor of OkraIt is a well-known fact that common garden insects will NOT eat okra. Neither will uncommon garden insects. That should tell you something.Some say okra is a vegetable; others say it's a fruit. Most people can't recall ever having said anything at all about okra. Except possibly, "Are those legless geckos sleeping near my mashed potatoes?"Even people who don't eat okra may find it useful -- for example, as a green plumb-bob for a vegetarian architect.A pod of okra on a gold chain makes an excellent conversation piece. You can tell everyone that's it's an Elk's tooth -- with plaque.Okra can be boiled, fried, steamed, or pickled. But no matter what you do to it, it still tastes exactly like okra.Remember, boiled okra is so slippery, you may think you're swallowing little green oysters.Consuming fried okra north of the Mason-Dixon line is considered gastric perversion and may lead close friends to refer to you as "magnolia breath."You campers will be happy to hear that dried okra makes great bio-degradable tent stakes.Please beware of the Great Okra Swindle. Certain unethical supermarkets are painting okra yellow and attempting to sell it as miniature Peruvian bananas. You can sure tell the difference in a banana pudding.Tom's note:For the curious, a picture of Okra can be found at this address:http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.fruits-vegetables-spices.com/lagre_vegetables/baby_okra.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.fruits-vegetables-spices.com/babyokra(bhindi).htm&h=278&w=245&sz=19&tbnid=78Ka4IuKVqGrCM:&tbnh=114&tbnw=100&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dokra%2Bphoto%26um%3D1&start=2&sa=X&oi=images&ct=image&cd=2+
+++++++++++++++++++
"There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. What
would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I
need some Space Mountain." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the
Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said,
'Who's the bald chick in the dress?'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"Campaign news: Hillary Clinton, so far, has raised $35
million in three months. That's the most money raised by
any woman if you don't count what Oprah has made since
March." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's
Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests
near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made
some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about
the conditions we might run into, we drove on.
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain
Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles
farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles." The next one
was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.
We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery,
and it read: "Ice 75 cents."
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite
friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who
had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,
with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship
might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age
difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He
looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone
who's 104?'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Morris and his Rabbi
Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent." "What was the sin?" the rabbi asked. "It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread." "Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?" "I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant." The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?" "I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed." "And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked. Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."
+++++++++++++++++++
Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. - Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. - A harp is a nude piano. - Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. - I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. - My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. - Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. - Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 24th
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely
+++++++++++++++++++
"Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen"
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Secret: What we tell everybody to tell nobody."- Ambrose Bierce
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Manners" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence, she replied, "And that's my husband--the fat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
Personal Injury LawyerI was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. I called them and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train station to your office?""When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the sidewalk and start yelling. Someone from our office will be along shortly."
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing The Part
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for 20 years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Also winning a Nobel Prize was a scientist who won an award
for chemistry. He won the award for understanding how iron
rusts. There’s a cocktail party you don’t want to miss."
-Jay Leno
***
"Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in New York
City. Well, we need more trees, because currently, squirrels
have to wait until another squirrel dies before they can move
into a tree." -David Letterman
***
"This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on 'The View.'
It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said,
Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.'" -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our
vacations, in British Columbia. In those days all Canadians
appreciated their American neighbors. We had a favorite
place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was
at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide.
While we were around our campfire in the evening the local
Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They
would also tell of the Legends of the area. This one Legend
always stuck in my mind.
It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes
made their homes. They were, however, at war, with one
another from years before.
There was an Indian Maiden in one Camp who was in love with
a young Brave in the other Camp. They used to stand, on the
shore, each on their respective side of the Lake, and chant
Indian love calls to each other...even though they were
warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever come of it.
One day they just could not stand being apart any longer.
That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped into
the Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight. When
they reached each other in the center of the Lake, they
embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act so im-
pressed the Brave's Tribe that they named the Lake after the
young man.
I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent
at "Lake Stupid".
+++++++++++++++++++
Mushroom-Smothered Steak
Five couples in a neighborhood decided to get together on a
regular basis and socialize. As a result, they formed a
dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different
neighbors' house each month.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the
dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to
outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best
that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook
and decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. When she went
to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price was
far more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband,
"I think we aren't going to have mushrooms because they are
too expensive."
He said , "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick
some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in
the creek bed."
She said, "No, I have heard that wild mushrooms can be
poisonous."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating
them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try
and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and
picked some mushrooms. She brought them back home and
washed, sliced, and diced them to get them ready to go over
her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and
got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double
handful, putting a mess of bacon grease on them to make them
tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every
bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild
mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use
them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady
she knew from town to come out and help her serve. She had
on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first
class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick
back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the
women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen
and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot
just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After
she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him
what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but being
this early we can take care of it. I will call for an
ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can. We'll give
everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.
Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep
them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren
as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got
there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and
a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One
by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave
them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last
one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think
everything will be fine now," and he left. They looked
pretty peaked sitting around the living room.
About that time, the hired lady from town came in and said,
"You know, I think the fellow that drove the ambulance looks
just like the one who ran over Spot an hour ago, but he
didn't stop so I can't be certain."
+++++++++++++++++++
Helmsman Training
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen"
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Secret: What we tell everybody to tell nobody."- Ambrose Bierce
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Manners" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence, she replied, "And that's my husband--the fat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
Personal Injury LawyerI was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. I called them and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train station to your office?""When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the sidewalk and start yelling. Someone from our office will be along shortly."
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing The Part
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for 20 years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Also winning a Nobel Prize was a scientist who won an award
for chemistry. He won the award for understanding how iron
rusts. There’s a cocktail party you don’t want to miss."
-Jay Leno
***
"Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in New York
City. Well, we need more trees, because currently, squirrels
have to wait until another squirrel dies before they can move
into a tree." -David Letterman
***
"This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on 'The View.'
It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said,
Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.'" -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our
vacations, in British Columbia. In those days all Canadians
appreciated their American neighbors. We had a favorite
place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was
at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide.
While we were around our campfire in the evening the local
Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They
would also tell of the Legends of the area. This one Legend
always stuck in my mind.
It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes
made their homes. They were, however, at war, with one
another from years before.
There was an Indian Maiden in one Camp who was in love with
a young Brave in the other Camp. They used to stand, on the
shore, each on their respective side of the Lake, and chant
Indian love calls to each other...even though they were
warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever come of it.
One day they just could not stand being apart any longer.
That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped into
the Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight. When
they reached each other in the center of the Lake, they
embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act so im-
pressed the Brave's Tribe that they named the Lake after the
young man.
I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent
at "Lake Stupid".
+++++++++++++++++++
Mushroom-Smothered Steak
Five couples in a neighborhood decided to get together on a
regular basis and socialize. As a result, they formed a
dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different
neighbors' house each month.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the
dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to
outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best
that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook
and decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. When she went
to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price was
far more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband,
"I think we aren't going to have mushrooms because they are
too expensive."
He said , "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick
some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in
the creek bed."
She said, "No, I have heard that wild mushrooms can be
poisonous."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating
them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try
and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and
picked some mushrooms. She brought them back home and
washed, sliced, and diced them to get them ready to go over
her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and
got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double
handful, putting a mess of bacon grease on them to make them
tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every
bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild
mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use
them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady
she knew from town to come out and help her serve. She had
on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first
class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick
back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the
women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen
and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot
just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After
she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him
what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but being
this early we can take care of it. I will call for an
ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can. We'll give
everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.
Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep
them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren
as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got
there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and
a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One
by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave
them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last
one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think
everything will be fine now," and he left. They looked
pretty peaked sitting around the living room.
About that time, the hired lady from town came in and said,
"You know, I think the fellow that drove the ambulance looks
just like the one who ran over Spot an hour ago, but he
didn't stop so I can't be certain."
+++++++++++++++++++
Helmsman Training
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 23rd
PRESSED COFFEE DIRECTIONS
1. Run water through Espresso pot.
2. Grind ? tablespoons of beans **COURSE**
3. Nuke water until it boils, let sit for 5 seconds.
4. Measure 8 level tablespoons of grounds into maker.
5. Pour water into pressed coffee maker.
6. Stir ground and water.
7. Let stand 4 minutes.
8. S L O W L Y press plunger down.
9. Be sure safety lid is open and pour coffee into
thermos.
1. Run water through Espresso pot.
2. Grind ? tablespoons of beans **COURSE**
3. Nuke water until it boils, let sit for 5 seconds.
4. Measure 8 level tablespoons of grounds into maker.
5. Pour water into pressed coffee maker.
6. Stir ground and water.
7. Let stand 4 minutes.
8. S L O W L Y press plunger down.
9. Be sure safety lid is open and pour coffee into
thermos.
Monday, October 22, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 22nd
Leprechauns
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?A: Because they're always a little short.
+++++++++++++++++++
Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato?Boiling Mad. Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?He desperately wanted a scoop. What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?Anything, just butter him up. What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?It's mashing! What do you call a baby potato?A small fry!
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Steaks
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."
+++++++++++++++++++
Salesmen
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman knows when he's lying to you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Equating Lawyers
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Drum Problem"
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Great news for New York City and mankind generally: Mayor
Bloomberg is planting a million trees in New York City.
It's all part of the city's plan to revitalize the city's
logging industry." -Dave Letterman
***
"Bad news for Paris Hilton. According to a recent survey,
67 percent of Americans said they hate Paris Hilton. Which
is surprising, because the survey asked, 'Are you happy
with your homeowners insurance?'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"This was kind of scary. Out on the campaign trail in Iowa,
a van carrying Barack Obama's wife was hit by a guy on a
motorcycle. Guy plowed right into the van. You know, we have
to teach George Clooney how to ride a bike. This is going to
keep happening." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Discovering that I'd overslept, I abandoned my usual morning
routine and rushed out. In the van, though, I realized I had
time to stop for a take-out coffee.
I got my coffee and returned to the van, only to find I had
not only left it running but had locked it!
The day was going from bad to worse.
I returned to the shop, sheepishly explained my situation to
the clerk and asked if I could borrow a broom.
I managed to open a side window and pop the lock on the back
door using the broom handle. When I returned the broom, the
clerk said, "I know you're having a bad day, but..."
"I know, I know," I interrupted. "You want to know how I can
unlock my van with a broom."
"No," she said. "I wanted to tell you that your shirt is on
inside out."
+++++++++++++++++++
I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an-
nouncement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees
are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children
under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.
Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
Homework Help
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice.
Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at
least give it a try, couldn't you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"During a recent speech, President Bush said, 'My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.' Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech." --Conan O'Brien "Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'" --Jay Leno "Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin." --Conan O'Brien "The Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Do you realize Arizona wasn't even a state the last time the Cubs won the World Series? To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Fred Thompson was still married to his first wife." --Jay Leno "They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington, DC, and President Bush was apparently a little confused. Earlier today, he pardoned a lasagna." --David Letterman "President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded childrens' health insurance. Explained the president, 'I hate kids.'" --Seth Meyers "According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife's campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with him as first husband. While 71% of women say they'd be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband." --Amy Poehler
+++++++++++++++++++
Kids on the Subject of Love
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the garbage." (Randy, 8)
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?A: Because they're always a little short.
+++++++++++++++++++
Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato?Boiling Mad. Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?He desperately wanted a scoop. What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?Anything, just butter him up. What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?It's mashing! What do you call a baby potato?A small fry!
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Steaks
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."
+++++++++++++++++++
Salesmen
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman knows when he's lying to you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Equating Lawyers
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Drum Problem"
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Great news for New York City and mankind generally: Mayor
Bloomberg is planting a million trees in New York City.
It's all part of the city's plan to revitalize the city's
logging industry." -Dave Letterman
***
"Bad news for Paris Hilton. According to a recent survey,
67 percent of Americans said they hate Paris Hilton. Which
is surprising, because the survey asked, 'Are you happy
with your homeowners insurance?'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"This was kind of scary. Out on the campaign trail in Iowa,
a van carrying Barack Obama's wife was hit by a guy on a
motorcycle. Guy plowed right into the van. You know, we have
to teach George Clooney how to ride a bike. This is going to
keep happening." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Discovering that I'd overslept, I abandoned my usual morning
routine and rushed out. In the van, though, I realized I had
time to stop for a take-out coffee.
I got my coffee and returned to the van, only to find I had
not only left it running but had locked it!
The day was going from bad to worse.
I returned to the shop, sheepishly explained my situation to
the clerk and asked if I could borrow a broom.
I managed to open a side window and pop the lock on the back
door using the broom handle. When I returned the broom, the
clerk said, "I know you're having a bad day, but..."
"I know, I know," I interrupted. "You want to know how I can
unlock my van with a broom."
"No," she said. "I wanted to tell you that your shirt is on
inside out."
+++++++++++++++++++
I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an-
nouncement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees
are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children
under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.
Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
Homework Help
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice.
Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at
least give it a try, couldn't you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"During a recent speech, President Bush said, 'My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.' Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech." --Conan O'Brien "Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'" --Jay Leno "Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin." --Conan O'Brien "The Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Do you realize Arizona wasn't even a state the last time the Cubs won the World Series? To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Fred Thompson was still married to his first wife." --Jay Leno "They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington, DC, and President Bush was apparently a little confused. Earlier today, he pardoned a lasagna." --David Letterman "President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded childrens' health insurance. Explained the president, 'I hate kids.'" --Seth Meyers "According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife's campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with him as first husband. While 71% of women say they'd be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband." --Amy Poehler
+++++++++++++++++++
Kids on the Subject of Love
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the garbage." (Randy, 8)
Sunday, October 21, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 21st
Go Forth and Multiply
After it was all over and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the animals to leave, he told the animals "To go forth and multiply." All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the ark. "Why can't you go forth and multiply?" demanded Noah. "We can't," answered the snakes. "We're adders."
+++++++++++++++++++
Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."
+++++++++++++++++++
The First Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”
+++++++++++++++++++
It's Time
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
+++++++++++++++++++
Obituary
Frank and Henry are two old retired widowers. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Henry opens the morning paper and turns to the Obituary page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous..
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Frank up. "Frank, are you up yet?"
Frank sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Frank. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Frank, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"OK, OK, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Frank, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Frank, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Frank, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Frank comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Henry, where are you calling me from right now?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Van Problem"
The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. "Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.
"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our company's."
"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Restaurant Excitement"
I was having dinner at a nice restaurant the other night. The couple at the next table were smooching from the moment they sat down. Oh how romantic, young love!
But I couldn't figure out what was going on at their table after the food came. Every time the young man would take a bite, he would jump up and give the girl such a big hug that she would squeal loudly! This bizarre behavior continued about 10 times - he took a bite, gave her a big hug, she squealed....very strange. Everyone was looking!
When my waiter came by I mentioned the 'entertainment' and he said "Oh, we have that all the time in here. You see, that man ordered the Seize Her Salad."
(By Rose Katz)
+++++++++++++++++++
”Biker Problem”
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CorrectionFrustrated at always being corrected by my spouse, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready."You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."The reply I got was, "Twice a day."
+++++++++++++++++++
Chinese mothers
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
+++++++++++++++++++
Army officer training school
In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers. “Four-seven-seven-zero?” he asked. “Here,” replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper. “Seven-zero-seven-five?” asked the instructor. “Here,” repeated the student, gearing for trouble. “I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier,” spoke the teacher. “That's right, sir,” answered our hero. “I have a nick-number.”
+++++++++++++++++++
It was the stork... Honest
When my granddaughter, Abby was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy. I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you." "Where did Mom come from then?" "The stork brought her, too." "OK, then where did you come from?" "The stork brought me too, dear." "Okay, thanks, Grandma." I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
After it was all over and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the animals to leave, he told the animals "To go forth and multiply." All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the ark. "Why can't you go forth and multiply?" demanded Noah. "We can't," answered the snakes. "We're adders."
+++++++++++++++++++
Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."
+++++++++++++++++++
The First Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”
+++++++++++++++++++
It's Time
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
+++++++++++++++++++
Obituary
Frank and Henry are two old retired widowers. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Henry opens the morning paper and turns to the Obituary page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous..
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Frank up. "Frank, are you up yet?"
Frank sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Frank. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Frank, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"OK, OK, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Frank, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Frank, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Frank, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Frank comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Henry, where are you calling me from right now?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Van Problem"
The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. "Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.
"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our company's."
"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Restaurant Excitement"
I was having dinner at a nice restaurant the other night. The couple at the next table were smooching from the moment they sat down. Oh how romantic, young love!
But I couldn't figure out what was going on at their table after the food came. Every time the young man would take a bite, he would jump up and give the girl such a big hug that she would squeal loudly! This bizarre behavior continued about 10 times - he took a bite, gave her a big hug, she squealed....very strange. Everyone was looking!
When my waiter came by I mentioned the 'entertainment' and he said "Oh, we have that all the time in here. You see, that man ordered the Seize Her Salad."
(By Rose Katz)
+++++++++++++++++++
”Biker Problem”
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CorrectionFrustrated at always being corrected by my spouse, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready."You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."The reply I got was, "Twice a day."
+++++++++++++++++++
Chinese mothers
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
+++++++++++++++++++
Army officer training school
In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers. “Four-seven-seven-zero?” he asked. “Here,” replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper. “Seven-zero-seven-five?” asked the instructor. “Here,” repeated the student, gearing for trouble. “I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier,” spoke the teacher. “That's right, sir,” answered our hero. “I have a nick-number.”
+++++++++++++++++++
It was the stork... Honest
When my granddaughter, Abby was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy. I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you." "Where did Mom come from then?" "The stork brought her, too." "OK, then where did you come from?" "The stork brought me too, dear." "Okay, thanks, Grandma." I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
Saturday, October 20, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 20th
Tired SonA clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer kid named Vernie who was struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off."You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.""No thanks," said Vernie. "My father wouldn't approve.""Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."Again the Vernie protested that his father would be upset.Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!""Well," replied Vernier, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson appeared in his
first presidential debate last night. Political experts
called him 'uneven, flat, and dull.' In other words,
Thompson was the highlight of the debate." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Radiohead has a new album out. Radiohead is my favorite
band. They're named after an appliance and a body part.
They're much better than Toasterfoot." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Another celebrity from the 80s and 90s went to the
hospital. David Hasselhoff had a relapse. I guess he
checked himself into a hospital. I'm surprised they took
him...he wears a medical alert bracelet that says, 'Don't
Hasspitalize the Hoff.'" -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little
girl," said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll
be at the end of your troubles."
So he did the right thing, and he married the girl, and
about six months later when he saw the preacher again he
tried to murder him.
"You miserable liar!" shouted the young man. "You told me
if I married her, I would be at the end of my troubles.
Well, I married her, and she has made my life miserable."
"That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied
the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your troubles,
but I never said which end."
+++++++++++++++++++
Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.
IN A DIRTY MUG!"
"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction,
let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive
solution."
"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little
boys room."
"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee,
nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on
the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of
fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to
get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"
"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a
keen eye for interior decoration."
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone,
women is from Dodge."
"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...
.Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Bizarre Driving Laws
The Greek sage Aristotle once penned, "Even when the laws
have been written down, they ought not always remain
unchanged." Not only is this wise advice, but also
prophetic. Especially when you focus on some of the driving
laws that loiter on the pages of state statutes.
Tennessee, for example, has a law that bans shooting game,
other than whales, from moving vehicles. Apparently, this
law was authored during an unusually high tide or after too
many dizzying spins on a Tilt-a-Whirl at Dollyworld. Chances
of any whale finding its way into Tennessee via the
Cumberland River are about as likely as Tony Danza winning a
lifetime achievement award at the Cannes Film Festival. Yet,
it exists.
So as to assure that your next cross-country vacation does
not get pricked by the thorns of legality, we at DMV.ORG
have organized a list of arcane state laws that you should
be aware of. For nothing can be more embarrassing than
having to phone your attorney from Kentucky for help in
escaping a fine for trying to transport an ice cream cone in
your back pocket.
Alabama
* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while
operating a vehicle.
* It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street
as long as a lantern is attached to the front of your car.
* Driving barefoot is illegal.
Alaska
* It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your car.
Arkansas
* It is illegal for a person to blare the horn on a vehicle
at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served
after 9 p.m.
California
* Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited from
driving a car.
* It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry your car
with used underwear.
* No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Florida
* If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the owner or
attendant must deposit money in the meter.
Georgia
* State Assembly members are immune from being ticketed for
speeding while the State Assembly is in session.
* In Marietta, Georgia, it is illegal to spit from a moving
car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.
Illinois
* In Evanston, Illinois, it is unlawful to change clothes
while inside a car with the curtains drawn, except during a
fire.
Kansas
* In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor to
screech your tires while driving.
Kentucky
* If you stop for ice cream while driving, be aware that it
is considered unlawful to transport an ice cream cone in
your back pocket.
Massachusetts
* You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla in the
backseat of your car.
Michigan
* If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are waiting for
assistance, be aware that sitting in the middle of the
street to read a newspaper is illegal.
Minnesota
* It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless if you are
walking or driving, with a duck on your head. And, if you're
crossing into Wisconsin, the law also applies to chickens.
* In Minnetonka, Minnesota, if you drive a truck that
leaves mud, dirt, or sticky substances on any road, you will
be considered a public nuisance who is harming the peace,
safety, and general welfare of the town.
* You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.
Montana
* In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited from
driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.
Nevada
* It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
New Jersey
* Drivers are required to beep their car horns before
passing another vehicle.
* If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you
permanently lose the option of registering for a vanity
license plate.
North Carolina
* In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive on a
sidewalk.
Ohio
* In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if you
consecutively drive around the town square more than 100
times.
* Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and you phone
for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt to ride on the
cab's roof.
Oklahoma
* It is considered illegal to read a comic book while
driving.
Oregon
* You will be ticketed if you leave your car door open
longer than is deemed necessary.
* You will be slapped with a Class A traffic violation if
you use your car on an Oregon highway to prove your physical
endurance.
* It is illegal to pump your own gas.
Pennsylvania
* If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are required
by law to pull to the side of the road and cover your car
with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted or sewn
to blend into the scenery. But, if the horses react skittish
to your efforts, you are then required to disassemble your
car and hide the parts in the nearby underbrush.
South Carolina
* In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave trash in
your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.
Tennessee
* It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game other than
whales from a moving car.
West Virginia
* It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance purposes, to
scavenge road kill.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson appeared in his
first presidential debate last night. Political experts
called him 'uneven, flat, and dull.' In other words,
Thompson was the highlight of the debate." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Radiohead has a new album out. Radiohead is my favorite
band. They're named after an appliance and a body part.
They're much better than Toasterfoot." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Another celebrity from the 80s and 90s went to the
hospital. David Hasselhoff had a relapse. I guess he
checked himself into a hospital. I'm surprised they took
him...he wears a medical alert bracelet that says, 'Don't
Hasspitalize the Hoff.'" -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little
girl," said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll
be at the end of your troubles."
So he did the right thing, and he married the girl, and
about six months later when he saw the preacher again he
tried to murder him.
"You miserable liar!" shouted the young man. "You told me
if I married her, I would be at the end of my troubles.
Well, I married her, and she has made my life miserable."
"That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied
the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your troubles,
but I never said which end."
+++++++++++++++++++
Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.
IN A DIRTY MUG!"
"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction,
let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive
solution."
"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little
boys room."
"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee,
nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on
the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of
fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to
get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"
"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a
keen eye for interior decoration."
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone,
women is from Dodge."
"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...
.Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Bizarre Driving Laws
The Greek sage Aristotle once penned, "Even when the laws
have been written down, they ought not always remain
unchanged." Not only is this wise advice, but also
prophetic. Especially when you focus on some of the driving
laws that loiter on the pages of state statutes.
Tennessee, for example, has a law that bans shooting game,
other than whales, from moving vehicles. Apparently, this
law was authored during an unusually high tide or after too
many dizzying spins on a Tilt-a-Whirl at Dollyworld. Chances
of any whale finding its way into Tennessee via the
Cumberland River are about as likely as Tony Danza winning a
lifetime achievement award at the Cannes Film Festival. Yet,
it exists.
So as to assure that your next cross-country vacation does
not get pricked by the thorns of legality, we at DMV.ORG
have organized a list of arcane state laws that you should
be aware of. For nothing can be more embarrassing than
having to phone your attorney from Kentucky for help in
escaping a fine for trying to transport an ice cream cone in
your back pocket.
Alabama
* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while
operating a vehicle.
* It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street
as long as a lantern is attached to the front of your car.
* Driving barefoot is illegal.
Alaska
* It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your car.
Arkansas
* It is illegal for a person to blare the horn on a vehicle
at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served
after 9 p.m.
California
* Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited from
driving a car.
* It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry your car
with used underwear.
* No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Florida
* If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the owner or
attendant must deposit money in the meter.
Georgia
* State Assembly members are immune from being ticketed for
speeding while the State Assembly is in session.
* In Marietta, Georgia, it is illegal to spit from a moving
car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.
Illinois
* In Evanston, Illinois, it is unlawful to change clothes
while inside a car with the curtains drawn, except during a
fire.
Kansas
* In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor to
screech your tires while driving.
Kentucky
* If you stop for ice cream while driving, be aware that it
is considered unlawful to transport an ice cream cone in
your back pocket.
Massachusetts
* You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla in the
backseat of your car.
Michigan
* If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are waiting for
assistance, be aware that sitting in the middle of the
street to read a newspaper is illegal.
Minnesota
* It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless if you are
walking or driving, with a duck on your head. And, if you're
crossing into Wisconsin, the law also applies to chickens.
* In Minnetonka, Minnesota, if you drive a truck that
leaves mud, dirt, or sticky substances on any road, you will
be considered a public nuisance who is harming the peace,
safety, and general welfare of the town.
* You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.
Montana
* In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited from
driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.
Nevada
* It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
New Jersey
* Drivers are required to beep their car horns before
passing another vehicle.
* If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you
permanently lose the option of registering for a vanity
license plate.
North Carolina
* In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive on a
sidewalk.
Ohio
* In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if you
consecutively drive around the town square more than 100
times.
* Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and you phone
for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt to ride on the
cab's roof.
Oklahoma
* It is considered illegal to read a comic book while
driving.
Oregon
* You will be ticketed if you leave your car door open
longer than is deemed necessary.
* You will be slapped with a Class A traffic violation if
you use your car on an Oregon highway to prove your physical
endurance.
* It is illegal to pump your own gas.
Pennsylvania
* If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are required
by law to pull to the side of the road and cover your car
with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted or sewn
to blend into the scenery. But, if the horses react skittish
to your efforts, you are then required to disassemble your
car and hide the parts in the nearby underbrush.
South Carolina
* In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave trash in
your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.
Tennessee
* It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game other than
whales from a moving car.
West Virginia
* It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance purposes, to
scavenge road kill.
Friday, October 19, 2007
hUMOR For Oct. 19th
Answering machine message 29
Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 30
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 31
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 32
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 33
Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 34
If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 35
After a power outage: Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 36
Start, low pitch, slow: Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... Middle, normal: ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... Later, high pitch, fast: ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish: ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hillary Clinton is a money-making machine. She is a fund-
raising juggernaut. Here's what she made: $80 million so far
this year. $80 million! It's amazing, isn't it? Here's how
it breaks down: $30 million for advertising, $50 million for
pantsuits" --David Letterman
***
"A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that
senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for
Hillary, the seniors still rank her third behind apple
sauce and creamed spinach." -Conan O'Brien
***
"It's fall - harvest festival time! I've only grown one plant
in my life, and I'd rather not talk about it... for legal
reasons." -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my
hand to give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a
high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five,
too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter
of the guests.
+++++++++++++++++++
While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor
announced that their prison quartet would be singing the
following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the
vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.
The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the
church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.
"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and
always looking for the key."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to
200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a medium-sized gift-wrapped box in the
middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,
and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and
found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
+++++++++++++++++++
A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."
+++++++++++++++++++
Knock Knock - Jupiter
Knock KnockWho's there !Jupiter !Jupiter who !Jupiter hurry, or you'll miss the bus ! Knock KnockWho's there !Jupiter !Jupiter who !Jupiter fly in my soup !
+++++++++++++++++++
School Bus Ride
It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus. Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place. After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away. "Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live." "I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."
+++++++++++++++++++
Do you know what day this is?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered. "How could you think I would forget?" Whereupon he left for the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Bank Robber
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY."
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."
Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 30
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 31
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 32
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 33
Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 34
If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 35
After a power outage: Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 36
Start, low pitch, slow: Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... Middle, normal: ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... Later, high pitch, fast: ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish: ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hillary Clinton is a money-making machine. She is a fund-
raising juggernaut. Here's what she made: $80 million so far
this year. $80 million! It's amazing, isn't it? Here's how
it breaks down: $30 million for advertising, $50 million for
pantsuits" --David Letterman
***
"A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that
senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for
Hillary, the seniors still rank her third behind apple
sauce and creamed spinach." -Conan O'Brien
***
"It's fall - harvest festival time! I've only grown one plant
in my life, and I'd rather not talk about it... for legal
reasons." -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my
hand to give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a
high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five,
too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter
of the guests.
+++++++++++++++++++
While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor
announced that their prison quartet would be singing the
following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the
vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.
The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the
church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.
"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and
always looking for the key."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to
200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a medium-sized gift-wrapped box in the
middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,
and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and
found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
+++++++++++++++++++
A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."
+++++++++++++++++++
Knock Knock - Jupiter
Knock KnockWho's there !Jupiter !Jupiter who !Jupiter hurry, or you'll miss the bus ! Knock KnockWho's there !Jupiter !Jupiter who !Jupiter fly in my soup !
+++++++++++++++++++
School Bus Ride
It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus. Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place. After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away. "Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live." "I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."
+++++++++++++++++++
Do you know what day this is?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered. "How could you think I would forget?" Whereupon he left for the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Bank Robber
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY."
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."
Thursday, October 18, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 18th
Answering machine message 01
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 02
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 03
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 04
Owner is a hard-to-reach person: Yes, I finally got an answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at the tone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 05
Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 06
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 07
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 08
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 09
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 10
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 11
Computer style monotone: Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 12
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 13
Hi. This is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 14
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 15
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 16
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 17
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 18
Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 19
(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 21
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 22
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 23
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 24
Computer generated voices:1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 25
1: I didn't expect an answering machine.2: Nobody expects an answering machine.1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.1: Oops! And your message message.2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.1: And time you called.2: Oh, great, we'll have to start over.1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 26
You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it that any more. We wouldn't even if we could. So leave your message...
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Answering machine message 27
Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra": Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 28
Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 02
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 03
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 04
Owner is a hard-to-reach person: Yes, I finally got an answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at the tone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 05
Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
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Answering machine message 06
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 07
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 08
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 09
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 10
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 11
Computer style monotone: Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 12
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 13
Hi. This is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 14
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 15
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 16
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 17
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 18
Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.
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Answering machine message 19
(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.
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Answering machine message 21
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 22
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
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Answering machine message 23
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
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Answering machine message 24
Computer generated voices:1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 25
1: I didn't expect an answering machine.2: Nobody expects an answering machine.1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.1: Oops! And your message message.2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.1: And time you called.2: Oh, great, we'll have to start over.1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 26
You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it that any more. We wouldn't even if we could. So leave your message...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 27
Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra": Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 28
Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 16th
Pull Over!
"Hey, you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and she was fined seventy-five dollars for not wearing a seatbelt. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover: $75."
+++++++++++++++++++
One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remarks was "All I know is what I read in the papers." For many busy people, all they know is what they read in the headlines. The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story.Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline. The men and women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention. On top of that, each headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible.No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down, and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a red-face result.Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONEDEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLINGDEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCEASBESTOS SUIT PRESSEDDOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUITCOMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLYPOLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERSFLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOLHOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATEPOLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIATUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COASTMANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETINGIKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PATTWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNGU.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENTALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWDNATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLESMILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDERHALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILLSAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTEDFLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTEDQUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATERDRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASECOUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISHJUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATERMAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEESURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTSCARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICITCARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELPCARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT
+++++++++++++++++++
Optimism Wednesday, January 9, 2002
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was theirlooks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume neededto be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist,the other a doom and gloom pessimist.Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday, their fatherloaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. Theoptimist's room, he loaded with horse manure.That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found himsitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly."Why are you crying?" the father asked."Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all theseinstructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantlyneed batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered thepessimistic twin.Passing the optimistic twin's room, the father found him dancing forjoy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.To which his optimistic twin replied, "There's got to be a pony inhere somewhere!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Excuse notes received by teachers
Excuse notes received by teachers...Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.
+++++++++++++++++++
Things You Did Not Know
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.A snail can sleep for three years.All polar bears are left handed.American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.Butterflies taste with their feetCats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.China has more English speakers than the United States.Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants.Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.Leonardo da Vinci invented the scissors.Marilyn Monroe had six toes.No word in the English language rhymes with month.Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.Starfish haven't got brains.The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.Women blink nearly twice as much as men.And finally...You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
"Hey, you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and she was fined seventy-five dollars for not wearing a seatbelt. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover: $75."
+++++++++++++++++++
One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remarks was "All I know is what I read in the papers." For many busy people, all they know is what they read in the headlines. The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story.Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline. The men and women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention. On top of that, each headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible.No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down, and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a red-face result.Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONEDEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLINGDEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCEASBESTOS SUIT PRESSEDDOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUITCOMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLYPOLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERSFLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOLHOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATEPOLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIATUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COASTMANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETINGIKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PATTWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNGU.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENTALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWDNATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLESMILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDERHALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILLSAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTEDFLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTEDQUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATERDRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASECOUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISHJUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATERMAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEESURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTSCARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICITCARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELPCARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT
+++++++++++++++++++
Optimism Wednesday, January 9, 2002
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was theirlooks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume neededto be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist,the other a doom and gloom pessimist.Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday, their fatherloaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. Theoptimist's room, he loaded with horse manure.That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found himsitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly."Why are you crying?" the father asked."Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all theseinstructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantlyneed batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered thepessimistic twin.Passing the optimistic twin's room, the father found him dancing forjoy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.To which his optimistic twin replied, "There's got to be a pony inhere somewhere!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Excuse notes received by teachers
Excuse notes received by teachers...Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.
+++++++++++++++++++
Things You Did Not Know
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.A snail can sleep for three years.All polar bears are left handed.American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.Butterflies taste with their feetCats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.China has more English speakers than the United States.Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants.Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.Leonardo da Vinci invented the scissors.Marilyn Monroe had six toes.No word in the English language rhymes with month.Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.Starfish haven't got brains.The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.Women blink nearly twice as much as men.And finally...You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 16th
Pay Back
A husband and wife were having a quarrel over the breakfast table. The quarrel remained unresolved when it was time to leave for work.
The wife, having trouble with the zipper on her dress, asked for assistance. In a huff, the husband freed the zipper and then angrily ran it up and down rapidly several times.
That afternoon, when the wife returned from work, she saw him lying on his back with his hands and head under the car working on it. Still mad about what he had done that morning, she went over, grasped his zipper and yanked it up and down several times.
Stomping into the house, she found her husband drinking a cup of coffee at the kitchen table.
In great embarrassment, she explained to him what she had done.
He rushed outside to find his neighbor, who had offered to fix his car, out cold. When the wife had grasped his zipper, he had reflexively tried to sit up and had knocked himself out on the frame of the car.
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"Got Any Crackers"
A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any crackers? "
Bartender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?" bar tender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?"
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!"
Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?" bartender says no.
Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"- Satchel Paige
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Don't Waste Words"
Larry was tall and laconic so, of course, he hated to waste words.
"Why use two? One will do," he was frequently heard to ask. People giving him simple conversation were likely to hear, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
This is a rapid way to lose friends, but Larry was unable to change his verbally sparse and alienating ways.
This irritating habit was expended on everyone. When repairs were necessary to his house, the service people were subjected to the same language truncations.
One day the kitchen garbage disposer plugged up and he had to call he plumber. The Yellow Pages indicated Jake The Plumber had a marvelous new piece of equipment to solve such problems, so Jake was called.
When Jake got to the house, he asked, "Where is your plumbing problem?"
Larry replied, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
Jake asked, "Where?" and Larry pointed to the problem.
Larry asked, "How much?"
Jake replied, "Well, usually kitchen drain unstopping costs $100, but..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"Fifty bucks."
"O. K."
Jake went out and brought in a large piece of equipment, attached a hose, and turned on a massive vacuum generator. Very quickly, the problem was solved.
Larry paid the bill, and as Jake was packing to leave, Larry asked, "How works?" and he pointed to the equipment.
Larry said, "Well, my apparatus generates a large vacuum, and..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"How many words?" asked Jake.
"Three, no more."
"O. K." Jake replied. "Sucked sink."
(By Alan B. Combs)
+++++++++++++++++++
What love’s about – Dan and his girl friend style.Dan ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries, one drink and unwrapped the plain hamburger, carefully cutting it in half.He placed one half in front of his girlfriend. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his girlfriend.He took a sip of the drink, his girlfriend took a sip and then set the cupdown between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, thepeople around them kept looking over and whispering.You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table, politely offering to buy another meal for the old couple. Old Dan said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her lover eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy anothermeal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we areused to sharing everything."As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"She answered, "THE TEETH."
+++++++++++++++++++
Photo ApologyPhotographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken."You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took your picture, I was ten years younger."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Airport News”
A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As he waved back, Dad said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" the boy shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man's son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
+++++++++++++++++++
Where Is God ?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessivelymischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Classmates?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "In 1952." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"
A husband and wife were having a quarrel over the breakfast table. The quarrel remained unresolved when it was time to leave for work.
The wife, having trouble with the zipper on her dress, asked for assistance. In a huff, the husband freed the zipper and then angrily ran it up and down rapidly several times.
That afternoon, when the wife returned from work, she saw him lying on his back with his hands and head under the car working on it. Still mad about what he had done that morning, she went over, grasped his zipper and yanked it up and down several times.
Stomping into the house, she found her husband drinking a cup of coffee at the kitchen table.
In great embarrassment, she explained to him what she had done.
He rushed outside to find his neighbor, who had offered to fix his car, out cold. When the wife had grasped his zipper, he had reflexively tried to sit up and had knocked himself out on the frame of the car.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Got Any Crackers"
A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any crackers? "
Bartender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?" bar tender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?"
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!"
Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?" bartender says no.
Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"- Satchel Paige
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Don't Waste Words"
Larry was tall and laconic so, of course, he hated to waste words.
"Why use two? One will do," he was frequently heard to ask. People giving him simple conversation were likely to hear, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
This is a rapid way to lose friends, but Larry was unable to change his verbally sparse and alienating ways.
This irritating habit was expended on everyone. When repairs were necessary to his house, the service people were subjected to the same language truncations.
One day the kitchen garbage disposer plugged up and he had to call he plumber. The Yellow Pages indicated Jake The Plumber had a marvelous new piece of equipment to solve such problems, so Jake was called.
When Jake got to the house, he asked, "Where is your plumbing problem?"
Larry replied, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
Jake asked, "Where?" and Larry pointed to the problem.
Larry asked, "How much?"
Jake replied, "Well, usually kitchen drain unstopping costs $100, but..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"Fifty bucks."
"O. K."
Jake went out and brought in a large piece of equipment, attached a hose, and turned on a massive vacuum generator. Very quickly, the problem was solved.
Larry paid the bill, and as Jake was packing to leave, Larry asked, "How works?" and he pointed to the equipment.
Larry said, "Well, my apparatus generates a large vacuum, and..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"How many words?" asked Jake.
"Three, no more."
"O. K." Jake replied. "Sucked sink."
(By Alan B. Combs)
+++++++++++++++++++
What love’s about – Dan and his girl friend style.Dan ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries, one drink and unwrapped the plain hamburger, carefully cutting it in half.He placed one half in front of his girlfriend. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his girlfriend.He took a sip of the drink, his girlfriend took a sip and then set the cupdown between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, thepeople around them kept looking over and whispering.You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table, politely offering to buy another meal for the old couple. Old Dan said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her lover eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy anothermeal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we areused to sharing everything."As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"She answered, "THE TEETH."
+++++++++++++++++++
Photo ApologyPhotographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken."You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took your picture, I was ten years younger."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Airport News”
A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As he waved back, Dad said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" the boy shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man's son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
+++++++++++++++++++
Where Is God ?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessivelymischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Classmates?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "In 1952." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Monday, October 15, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 15th
Are you a true elementary school teacher?
Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out: 1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home? 2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table? 3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends? 4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes? 5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?" 6. Do you say "I like the way you did that!" to the mechanic who repairs your car to your satisfaction? 7. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction? 8. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book? 9. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything? 10. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth? -If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling. -If you answered yes to 7 or more, well, maybe it's TOO MUCH in your soul--you should probably think about retirement. -If you answered yes to all 10, forget it--you'll ALWAYS be a teacher, retired or not!
+++++++++++++++++++
Miracle Cure"
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Responsibility" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kitchen TableMy son had absentmindedly left his sneakers on our kitchen table. "That's disgusting," my husband yelled. "Doesn't he realize that we eat off that table?"Then he went back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home, I couldn't set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a carburetor.
+++++++++++++++++++
"They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington D.C.
President Bush apparently was a little confused... he par-
doned a lasagna." -Dave Letterman
***
"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being
criticized for being out of touch because in a recent
interview he talked about strengthening our relationship
with the Soviet Union, which of course, no longer exists.
Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake, and he plans
to personally apologize to Stalin." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the
increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said
they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines
improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you
how to make your business run more efficiently?" -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the
same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in
the company directory and sent him a message.
When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back
another e-mail:
"I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that
noticeable!"
His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo,
had read:
"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut
that looked like you in the cafeteria."
+++++++++++++++++++
Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she
and her husband were struggling with a big decision on
whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole
congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a
decision about the missionary position."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cops and Robbers
Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening, she
was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're
dead." She slumped to the ground, and when she didn't get up
right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt
in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened
one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only
chance I've had to rest all day."
+++++++++++++++++++
Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
He's only interested in one thing
A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class. The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.
+++++++++++++++++++
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
+++++++++++++++++++
It's just that simple.
"So, where is today's joke?"
This is it. No joking. Please laugh anyway.
Now that all of that is out of the way, read on for some shameless self
promotion.
Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out: 1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home? 2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table? 3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends? 4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes? 5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?" 6. Do you say "I like the way you did that!" to the mechanic who repairs your car to your satisfaction? 7. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction? 8. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book? 9. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything? 10. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth? -If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling. -If you answered yes to 7 or more, well, maybe it's TOO MUCH in your soul--you should probably think about retirement. -If you answered yes to all 10, forget it--you'll ALWAYS be a teacher, retired or not!
+++++++++++++++++++
Miracle Cure"
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Responsibility" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kitchen TableMy son had absentmindedly left his sneakers on our kitchen table. "That's disgusting," my husband yelled. "Doesn't he realize that we eat off that table?"Then he went back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home, I couldn't set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a carburetor.
+++++++++++++++++++
"They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington D.C.
President Bush apparently was a little confused... he par-
doned a lasagna." -Dave Letterman
***
"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being
criticized for being out of touch because in a recent
interview he talked about strengthening our relationship
with the Soviet Union, which of course, no longer exists.
Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake, and he plans
to personally apologize to Stalin." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the
increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said
they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines
improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you
how to make your business run more efficiently?" -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the
same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in
the company directory and sent him a message.
When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back
another e-mail:
"I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that
noticeable!"
His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo,
had read:
"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut
that looked like you in the cafeteria."
+++++++++++++++++++
Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she
and her husband were struggling with a big decision on
whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole
congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a
decision about the missionary position."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cops and Robbers
Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening, she
was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're
dead." She slumped to the ground, and when she didn't get up
right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt
in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened
one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only
chance I've had to rest all day."
+++++++++++++++++++
Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
He's only interested in one thing
A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class. The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.
+++++++++++++++++++
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
+++++++++++++++++++
It's just that simple.
"So, where is today's joke?"
This is it. No joking. Please laugh anyway.
Now that all of that is out of the way, read on for some shameless self
promotion.
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