Pay Back
A husband and wife were having a quarrel over the breakfast table. The quarrel remained unresolved when it was time to leave for work.
The wife, having trouble with the zipper on her dress, asked for assistance. In a huff, the husband freed the zipper and then angrily ran it up and down rapidly several times.
That afternoon, when the wife returned from work, she saw him lying on his back with his hands and head under the car working on it. Still mad about what he had done that morning, she went over, grasped his zipper and yanked it up and down several times.
Stomping into the house, she found her husband drinking a cup of coffee at the kitchen table.
In great embarrassment, she explained to him what she had done.
He rushed outside to find his neighbor, who had offered to fix his car, out cold. When the wife had grasped his zipper, he had reflexively tried to sit up and had knocked himself out on the frame of the car.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Got Any Crackers"
A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any crackers? "
Bartender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?" bar tender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?"
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!"
Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?" bartender says no.
Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"- Satchel Paige
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Don't Waste Words"
Larry was tall and laconic so, of course, he hated to waste words.
"Why use two? One will do," he was frequently heard to ask. People giving him simple conversation were likely to hear, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
This is a rapid way to lose friends, but Larry was unable to change his verbally sparse and alienating ways.
This irritating habit was expended on everyone. When repairs were necessary to his house, the service people were subjected to the same language truncations.
One day the kitchen garbage disposer plugged up and he had to call he plumber. The Yellow Pages indicated Jake The Plumber had a marvelous new piece of equipment to solve such problems, so Jake was called.
When Jake got to the house, he asked, "Where is your plumbing problem?"
Larry replied, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
Jake asked, "Where?" and Larry pointed to the problem.
Larry asked, "How much?"
Jake replied, "Well, usually kitchen drain unstopping costs $100, but..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"Fifty bucks."
"O. K."
Jake went out and brought in a large piece of equipment, attached a hose, and turned on a massive vacuum generator. Very quickly, the problem was solved.
Larry paid the bill, and as Jake was packing to leave, Larry asked, "How works?" and he pointed to the equipment.
Larry said, "Well, my apparatus generates a large vacuum, and..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"How many words?" asked Jake.
"Three, no more."
"O. K." Jake replied. "Sucked sink."
(By Alan B. Combs)
+++++++++++++++++++
What love’s about – Dan and his girl friend style.Dan ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries, one drink and unwrapped the plain hamburger, carefully cutting it in half.He placed one half in front of his girlfriend. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his girlfriend.He took a sip of the drink, his girlfriend took a sip and then set the cupdown between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, thepeople around them kept looking over and whispering.You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table, politely offering to buy another meal for the old couple. Old Dan said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her lover eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy anothermeal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we areused to sharing everything."As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"She answered, "THE TEETH."
+++++++++++++++++++
Photo ApologyPhotographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken."You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took your picture, I was ten years younger."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Airport News”
A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As he waved back, Dad said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" the boy shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man's son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
+++++++++++++++++++
Where Is God ?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessivelymischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Classmates?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "In 1952." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 15th
Are you a true elementary school teacher?
Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out: 1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home? 2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table? 3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends? 4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes? 5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?" 6. Do you say "I like the way you did that!" to the mechanic who repairs your car to your satisfaction? 7. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction? 8. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book? 9. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything? 10. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth? -If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling. -If you answered yes to 7 or more, well, maybe it's TOO MUCH in your soul--you should probably think about retirement. -If you answered yes to all 10, forget it--you'll ALWAYS be a teacher, retired or not!
+++++++++++++++++++
Miracle Cure"
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Responsibility" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kitchen TableMy son had absentmindedly left his sneakers on our kitchen table. "That's disgusting," my husband yelled. "Doesn't he realize that we eat off that table?"Then he went back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home, I couldn't set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a carburetor.
+++++++++++++++++++
"They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington D.C.
President Bush apparently was a little confused... he par-
doned a lasagna." -Dave Letterman
***
"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being
criticized for being out of touch because in a recent
interview he talked about strengthening our relationship
with the Soviet Union, which of course, no longer exists.
Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake, and he plans
to personally apologize to Stalin." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the
increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said
they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines
improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you
how to make your business run more efficiently?" -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the
same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in
the company directory and sent him a message.
When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back
another e-mail:
"I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that
noticeable!"
His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo,
had read:
"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut
that looked like you in the cafeteria."
+++++++++++++++++++
Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she
and her husband were struggling with a big decision on
whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole
congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a
decision about the missionary position."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cops and Robbers
Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening, she
was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're
dead." She slumped to the ground, and when she didn't get up
right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt
in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened
one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only
chance I've had to rest all day."
+++++++++++++++++++
Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
He's only interested in one thing
A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class. The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.
+++++++++++++++++++
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
+++++++++++++++++++
It's just that simple.
"So, where is today's joke?"
This is it. No joking. Please laugh anyway.
Now that all of that is out of the way, read on for some shameless self
promotion.
Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out: 1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home? 2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table? 3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends? 4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes? 5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?" 6. Do you say "I like the way you did that!" to the mechanic who repairs your car to your satisfaction? 7. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction? 8. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book? 9. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything? 10. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth? -If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling. -If you answered yes to 7 or more, well, maybe it's TOO MUCH in your soul--you should probably think about retirement. -If you answered yes to all 10, forget it--you'll ALWAYS be a teacher, retired or not!
+++++++++++++++++++
Miracle Cure"
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Responsibility" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kitchen TableMy son had absentmindedly left his sneakers on our kitchen table. "That's disgusting," my husband yelled. "Doesn't he realize that we eat off that table?"Then he went back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home, I couldn't set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a carburetor.
+++++++++++++++++++
"They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington D.C.
President Bush apparently was a little confused... he par-
doned a lasagna." -Dave Letterman
***
"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being
criticized for being out of touch because in a recent
interview he talked about strengthening our relationship
with the Soviet Union, which of course, no longer exists.
Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake, and he plans
to personally apologize to Stalin." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the
increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said
they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines
improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you
how to make your business run more efficiently?" -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the
same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in
the company directory and sent him a message.
When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back
another e-mail:
"I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that
noticeable!"
His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo,
had read:
"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut
that looked like you in the cafeteria."
+++++++++++++++++++
Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she
and her husband were struggling with a big decision on
whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole
congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a
decision about the missionary position."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cops and Robbers
Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening, she
was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're
dead." She slumped to the ground, and when she didn't get up
right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt
in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened
one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only
chance I've had to rest all day."
+++++++++++++++++++
Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
He's only interested in one thing
A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class. The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.
+++++++++++++++++++
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
+++++++++++++++++++
It's just that simple.
"So, where is today's joke?"
This is it. No joking. Please laugh anyway.
Now that all of that is out of the way, read on for some shameless self
promotion.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 14th
Better Cure
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bathroom Exasperation"
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged.
"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Want Ad: Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks "frog."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Votes"
"In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes."
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding TicketA lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?""Yes, I do, officer," she replied."Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Elephant Offer”
Two businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch. One of them says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for only $3,000."
The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in an end table. So why would I buy an elephant?"
The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."
"Well then," said the other, "now you're talking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave
me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything."
-George Wallace
***
"The 'Heartbreak Kid' opened today. It's a comedy about a
guy that gets married and then regrets it. Hilarious. That's
not comedy to me — that's a documentary." -Craig Ferguson
***
"A new survey found that the country with the highest number
of contented citizens in the world is Mexico. Apparently,
this is because everybody who was unhappy in Mexico has moved
to Los Angeles." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
wife and her husband attended a very important business
party thrown by her boss where the husband may have had one
or two more than he should have.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her
husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and
totally irresistible to all women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.
"Then what gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned
about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.
"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"
"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"
"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told
you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his
birth certificate 'Thomas.'
This boy I want to name Jack."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad Day
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink
for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps
next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker
says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy
between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and
was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When
I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I
don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after
the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.
At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog
bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage
to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
poison!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing chess with a dog
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Signs That You're At A Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den. 9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit. 10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
+++++++++++++++++++
I'll trust you that you paid
Dan walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says Dan. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." Dan then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, and meets Vern, and tells him how to get free drinks. Vern hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," Vern responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bathroom Exasperation"
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged.
"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Want Ad: Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks "frog."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Votes"
"In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes."
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding TicketA lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?""Yes, I do, officer," she replied."Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Elephant Offer”
Two businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch. One of them says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for only $3,000."
The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in an end table. So why would I buy an elephant?"
The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."
"Well then," said the other, "now you're talking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave
me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything."
-George Wallace
***
"The 'Heartbreak Kid' opened today. It's a comedy about a
guy that gets married and then regrets it. Hilarious. That's
not comedy to me — that's a documentary." -Craig Ferguson
***
"A new survey found that the country with the highest number
of contented citizens in the world is Mexico. Apparently,
this is because everybody who was unhappy in Mexico has moved
to Los Angeles." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
wife and her husband attended a very important business
party thrown by her boss where the husband may have had one
or two more than he should have.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her
husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and
totally irresistible to all women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.
"Then what gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned
about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.
"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"
"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"
"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told
you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his
birth certificate 'Thomas.'
This boy I want to name Jack."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad Day
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink
for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps
next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker
says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy
between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and
was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When
I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I
don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after
the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.
At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog
bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage
to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
poison!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing chess with a dog
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Signs That You're At A Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den. 9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit. 10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
+++++++++++++++++++
I'll trust you that you paid
Dan walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says Dan. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." Dan then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, and meets Vern, and tells him how to get free drinks. Vern hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," Vern responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
+++++++++++++++++++
Saturday, October 13, 2007
hUMOLR For Oct 13th
The Art Collector
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hillary Clinton has proposed that 5,000 dollars be given to
every baby born in America. Five thousand dollars! Here's a
chance for Kevin Federline to make some real money. He could
get 30, 40 grand right there." -Jay Leno
***
"This week, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was the
victim of identity theft. By the time police arrested the
thief, he had already passed three ordinances and dedicated
a museum." -Conan O'Brien
***
"There's an article in Parade magazine encouraging Ben
Affleck to run for president. That would mean the first
lady would be Matt Damon." -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first would you
marry again?"
"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but
I think eventually I would remarry."
"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house?"
"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home.
There is no reason to abandon it."
"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"
"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."
"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"
"Of course not! He's lefthanded!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"You know Bill O'Reilly is in a little bit of trouble with the black folks. ... He had dinner in Harlem with Al Sharpton -- he must have lost a bet -- and he discovered that black people use utensils when they eat. He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant and a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently, they both serve crackers" --Bill Maher "Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'" --Seth Meyers "The Democrats had a very big week this week. They tacked a hate crimes bill onto the war spending bill. ... Apparently, attacks on gays, they said, is also actually terrorism. I don't have time to explain how this bill works, but next year, General Petraeus will be eligible for a Tony." --Bill Maher "During a speech at Columbia University Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. As proof, he pointed out that the Iranian version of the Village People are just some people who live in a village." --Seth Meyers "The president of Iran was the laughing stock of the world this week when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, when he got on his Iranian airways jet to fly back home, the male flight attendant didn't speak to him the whole way. ... That's a pretty awful place to be gay. Did you know homosexuals are executed in Iran? ... But only if a homosexual act either between two men or two women is witnessed by four or more other men. That shows you the difference in our culture. ... Like in Iran, two women having sex witnessed by four men, that's called a capital crime. See, here, that would be called a bachelor party." --Jay Leno "In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno "Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you how to make your business run more efficiently?" --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Dictionary of More Performance Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept. Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work. Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes. Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer. Listens well: Has no ideas of his own. Not a desk person: Did not go to college. Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use. Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors. Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life. Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn. Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors. Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
+++++++++++++++++++
Overloaded
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Questions
A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks how much the barrister's rates are. The lawyer says fifty dollars for three questions. The man asks, "Isn't that awfully expensive" "Yes," the lawyer replies, "what's your third question?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Grandma Geek
My grandmother is a computer geek. She also has trouble
remembering quickly sometimes. One day she couldn't think of
what she wanted to tell us.
Mom explained, "Your grandma is trying to retrieve the
information, but it is taking awhile. Evidently she hasn't
defragmented her hard drive lately."
+++++++++++++++++++
Chief Norman Elgin witnessed the following during one of his inspections of CB Central Fire Barn, Brother Dan. Don’t you long for the old days and working with your fireman buddies doing things like flying model planes in the fire station, gourmet cooking, electric football games and getting cats out of trees?
Firefighter Dan is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. Fireman Dan walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," Dan says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl said. Fireman Dan looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," Dan says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, butthen, I wouldn't have a siren."
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hillary Clinton has proposed that 5,000 dollars be given to
every baby born in America. Five thousand dollars! Here's a
chance for Kevin Federline to make some real money. He could
get 30, 40 grand right there." -Jay Leno
***
"This week, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was the
victim of identity theft. By the time police arrested the
thief, he had already passed three ordinances and dedicated
a museum." -Conan O'Brien
***
"There's an article in Parade magazine encouraging Ben
Affleck to run for president. That would mean the first
lady would be Matt Damon." -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first would you
marry again?"
"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but
I think eventually I would remarry."
"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house?"
"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home.
There is no reason to abandon it."
"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"
"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."
"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"
"Of course not! He's lefthanded!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"You know Bill O'Reilly is in a little bit of trouble with the black folks. ... He had dinner in Harlem with Al Sharpton -- he must have lost a bet -- and he discovered that black people use utensils when they eat. He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant and a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently, they both serve crackers" --Bill Maher "Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'" --Seth Meyers "The Democrats had a very big week this week. They tacked a hate crimes bill onto the war spending bill. ... Apparently, attacks on gays, they said, is also actually terrorism. I don't have time to explain how this bill works, but next year, General Petraeus will be eligible for a Tony." --Bill Maher "During a speech at Columbia University Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. As proof, he pointed out that the Iranian version of the Village People are just some people who live in a village." --Seth Meyers "The president of Iran was the laughing stock of the world this week when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, when he got on his Iranian airways jet to fly back home, the male flight attendant didn't speak to him the whole way. ... That's a pretty awful place to be gay. Did you know homosexuals are executed in Iran? ... But only if a homosexual act either between two men or two women is witnessed by four or more other men. That shows you the difference in our culture. ... Like in Iran, two women having sex witnessed by four men, that's called a capital crime. See, here, that would be called a bachelor party." --Jay Leno "In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno "Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you how to make your business run more efficiently?" --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Dictionary of More Performance Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept. Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work. Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes. Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer. Listens well: Has no ideas of his own. Not a desk person: Did not go to college. Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use. Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors. Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life. Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn. Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors. Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
+++++++++++++++++++
Overloaded
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Questions
A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks how much the barrister's rates are. The lawyer says fifty dollars for three questions. The man asks, "Isn't that awfully expensive" "Yes," the lawyer replies, "what's your third question?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Grandma Geek
My grandmother is a computer geek. She also has trouble
remembering quickly sometimes. One day she couldn't think of
what she wanted to tell us.
Mom explained, "Your grandma is trying to retrieve the
information, but it is taking awhile. Evidently she hasn't
defragmented her hard drive lately."
+++++++++++++++++++
Chief Norman Elgin witnessed the following during one of his inspections of CB Central Fire Barn, Brother Dan. Don’t you long for the old days and working with your fireman buddies doing things like flying model planes in the fire station, gourmet cooking, electric football games and getting cats out of trees?
Firefighter Dan is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. Fireman Dan walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," Dan says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl said. Fireman Dan looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," Dan says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, butthen, I wouldn't have a siren."
Friday, October 12, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 12th
Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz
Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?" The man says, "No, he's out playing golf." Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz." "He's not with the firm any more, he's retired." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month." "Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz." He says, "Speaking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You Have Still Had Too Much Coffee When...
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug *You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee *You've worn the finish off you coffee table *The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you *Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house *You're so wired you pick up FM radio *Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans" *Instant coffee takes too long *You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can *You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar" *Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position *Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
+++++++++++++++++++
After our friend Tom had been a temporary bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of
doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
+++++++++++++++++++
Why are Firetrucks Red ?Firetrucks have four wheels and eight men. Four and eight make twelve.There are twelve inches in a foot. Rulers are a foot long. Queen Elizabeth II is a ruler and is also the name of the largest ship that sails the seven seas. Seas have fish and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians and the Russians are red. Firetrucks are always Russian therefore firetrucks are red.
+++++++++++++++++++
Biblical Sacrifice
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
+++++++++++++++++++
Anniversary CitationDriving home after working late the other day, I was stopped by a police officer for speeding. I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary, which was the truth.However, instead of being let off with a warning, the officer said, "Congratulations!" and then proceeded to write out the ticket. As he handed it to me, he said, "The first year is paper, right?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A System of Taps
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
+++++++++++++++++++
To Pun Is Human
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. - He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. - Every calendar's days are numbered. - A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. - A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. - He had a photographic memory that was never developed. - A plateau is a high form of flattery. - The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
+++++++++++++++++++
How Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."
+++++++++++++++++++
Correction
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
+++++++++++++++++++
Puns Are The Lowest Form of Humor
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. - Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. - Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. - When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. - Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. - Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. - Acupuncture is a jab well done. - Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
+++++++++++++++++++
Men are good for only one thing!
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"
Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?" The man says, "No, he's out playing golf." Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz." "He's not with the firm any more, he's retired." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month." "Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz." He says, "Speaking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You Have Still Had Too Much Coffee When...
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug *You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee *You've worn the finish off you coffee table *The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you *Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house *You're so wired you pick up FM radio *Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans" *Instant coffee takes too long *You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can *You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar" *Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position *Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
+++++++++++++++++++
After our friend Tom had been a temporary bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of
doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
+++++++++++++++++++
Why are Firetrucks Red ?Firetrucks have four wheels and eight men. Four and eight make twelve.There are twelve inches in a foot. Rulers are a foot long. Queen Elizabeth II is a ruler and is also the name of the largest ship that sails the seven seas. Seas have fish and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians and the Russians are red. Firetrucks are always Russian therefore firetrucks are red.
+++++++++++++++++++
Biblical Sacrifice
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
+++++++++++++++++++
Anniversary CitationDriving home after working late the other day, I was stopped by a police officer for speeding. I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary, which was the truth.However, instead of being let off with a warning, the officer said, "Congratulations!" and then proceeded to write out the ticket. As he handed it to me, he said, "The first year is paper, right?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A System of Taps
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
+++++++++++++++++++
To Pun Is Human
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. - He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. - Every calendar's days are numbered. - A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. - A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. - He had a photographic memory that was never developed. - A plateau is a high form of flattery. - The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
+++++++++++++++++++
How Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."
+++++++++++++++++++
Correction
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
+++++++++++++++++++
Puns Are The Lowest Form of Humor
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. - Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. - Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. - When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. - Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. - Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. - Acupuncture is a jab well done. - Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
+++++++++++++++++++
Men are good for only one thing!
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"
Thursday, October 11, 2007
hUMOR For 11th
Viola Humor
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?' The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.' 'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?' The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!'
+++++++++++++++++++
20 Tons of Canaries
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something: 1. Make sure the man is conscious. 2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section. 3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max. 4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover. 5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. 6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings.""Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy. "I have no idea what that means."The little girl nodded and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Burglar and Vicar"
A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money."
The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container."
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Neighbors" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
You Know You Live in a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cruise QuestionsTop Ten of the Silliest Questions Asked by Cruise Ship Passengers(by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for Royal Caribbean Cruise Line)10. Do these steps go up or down?9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?5. Does the ship make its own electricity?4. Is it salt water in the toilets?3. What elevation are we at?2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays themthe next day ... the question asked ... If the pictures aren't marked,how will I know which ones are mine?1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms
without falling into her hands." --Ambrose Bierce
***
Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they
usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or
two.
***
"If I ever got divorced, on the singles scene I'd be worth
about as much as an eight-track at a garage sale."
--Robert G. Lee
+++++++++++++++++++
When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would
be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed
to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I
eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but
nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months
pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband
shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' in on the port
side!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and
walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored
paint," he says.
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a
canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to
win."
"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals
in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if
you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts
ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay,
but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vultures With Luggage
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they
could make the trip south, so they decided to go by
airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that
they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check
the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?' The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.' 'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?' The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!'
+++++++++++++++++++
20 Tons of Canaries
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something: 1. Make sure the man is conscious. 2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section. 3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max. 4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover. 5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. 6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings.""Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy. "I have no idea what that means."The little girl nodded and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Burglar and Vicar"
A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money."
The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container."
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Neighbors" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
You Know You Live in a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cruise QuestionsTop Ten of the Silliest Questions Asked by Cruise Ship Passengers(by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for Royal Caribbean Cruise Line)10. Do these steps go up or down?9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?5. Does the ship make its own electricity?4. Is it salt water in the toilets?3. What elevation are we at?2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays themthe next day ... the question asked ... If the pictures aren't marked,how will I know which ones are mine?1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms
without falling into her hands." --Ambrose Bierce
***
Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they
usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or
two.
***
"If I ever got divorced, on the singles scene I'd be worth
about as much as an eight-track at a garage sale."
--Robert G. Lee
+++++++++++++++++++
When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would
be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed
to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I
eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but
nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months
pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband
shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' in on the port
side!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and
walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored
paint," he says.
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a
canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to
win."
"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals
in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if
you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts
ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay,
but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vultures With Luggage
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they
could make the trip south, so they decided to go by
airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that
they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check
the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 10th
Murphy applied for an engineering position ...
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said. Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job" Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."
+++++++++++++++++++
Minimum Wage Earner
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
+++++++++++++++++++
Candy Dispenser
While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked. As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bunion Removal
I went to my podiatrist to have a bunion removed. When the treatment ended, I asked if another appointment would be necessary. He said,"No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back."
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Wishes
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish to be on a beautiful island in the Caribbean."
POOF!
He suddenly appears on a gorgeous beach.
After overcoming his initial surprise, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be waited on hand and foot by beautiful women."
POOF!
A crowd of gorgeous women flock to him, attending his every need.
He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish to never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Dan was in his car about two hours out of St. Paul when he was flagged down by a man whose 18-wheeler truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to St. Paul?" "Sure," answered Dan, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back who have to be taken to the St. Paul Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said Dan. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of Dan's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of St. Paul when suddenly he was stunned to see Dan walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.""Yes, I know you did," said Dan," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Mall of the Americas.
+++++++++++++++++++
Coach CallAs a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away."Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"The flustered kid replied, "Three."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Halo 3 came out today. It's an online video game, which
means while you're playing, you get to meet other Halo fans
from all over the world and kill them." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Apple launched its iPhone in Europe. It's being criticized
for not being European enough — it actually worked the entire
month of August." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Arnold Schwarzenegger got together with Al Gore for a
climate change summit. Even though he's a Republican and Al
Gore's a Democrat, it's good they could talk robot to robot.
Two cyborgs connecting." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
[Believe it or not this is a boating joke. A small
craft advisory is when the weather is bad enough
that small boats are cautioned not to go out on the
water...in other words the perfect opportunity for
some exciting sailing.]
My creative mother enjoys doing crafts, such as making pot-
pourri boxes decorated with ribbon and lace. Sometimes she
gets so involved that she disappears into her upstairs
workroom for hours, forgetting about more mundane things
---like making dinner.
One evening I arrived home to find the kitchen empty again.
But this time I found a note: "Warning! Small craft advisory:
Buy yourself a pizza."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements, and
the director showed us into a room in which containers for
ashes were on display.
After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had
decided.
She sighed. "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go
into the ground."
After a moment's pause, however, she continued. "But I really
prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue."
+++++++++++++++++++
Missed Ferry
This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy
about the ferry. If he missed a ferry late at night, he
would have to spend the next hour or so wandering the
deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from
the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an
hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands
and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a
bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited
a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...
*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you *You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked *You grind your coffee beans in your mouth *You sleep with your eyes open *You have to watch videos in fast-forward *You lick your coffee pot clean *Your eyes stay open when you sneeze *The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse *You can type sixty words a minute with your feet *You can jump-start your car without cables *Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low" *You don't sweat, you percolate
+++++++++++++++++++
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said. Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job" Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."
+++++++++++++++++++
Minimum Wage Earner
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
+++++++++++++++++++
Candy Dispenser
While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked. As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bunion Removal
I went to my podiatrist to have a bunion removed. When the treatment ended, I asked if another appointment would be necessary. He said,"No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back."
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Wishes
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish to be on a beautiful island in the Caribbean."
POOF!
He suddenly appears on a gorgeous beach.
After overcoming his initial surprise, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be waited on hand and foot by beautiful women."
POOF!
A crowd of gorgeous women flock to him, attending his every need.
He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish to never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Dan was in his car about two hours out of St. Paul when he was flagged down by a man whose 18-wheeler truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to St. Paul?" "Sure," answered Dan, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back who have to be taken to the St. Paul Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said Dan. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of Dan's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of St. Paul when suddenly he was stunned to see Dan walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.""Yes, I know you did," said Dan," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Mall of the Americas.
+++++++++++++++++++
Coach CallAs a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away."Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"The flustered kid replied, "Three."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Halo 3 came out today. It's an online video game, which
means while you're playing, you get to meet other Halo fans
from all over the world and kill them." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Apple launched its iPhone in Europe. It's being criticized
for not being European enough — it actually worked the entire
month of August." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Arnold Schwarzenegger got together with Al Gore for a
climate change summit. Even though he's a Republican and Al
Gore's a Democrat, it's good they could talk robot to robot.
Two cyborgs connecting." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
[Believe it or not this is a boating joke. A small
craft advisory is when the weather is bad enough
that small boats are cautioned not to go out on the
water...in other words the perfect opportunity for
some exciting sailing.]
My creative mother enjoys doing crafts, such as making pot-
pourri boxes decorated with ribbon and lace. Sometimes she
gets so involved that she disappears into her upstairs
workroom for hours, forgetting about more mundane things
---like making dinner.
One evening I arrived home to find the kitchen empty again.
But this time I found a note: "Warning! Small craft advisory:
Buy yourself a pizza."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements, and
the director showed us into a room in which containers for
ashes were on display.
After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had
decided.
She sighed. "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go
into the ground."
After a moment's pause, however, she continued. "But I really
prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue."
+++++++++++++++++++
Missed Ferry
This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy
about the ferry. If he missed a ferry late at night, he
would have to spend the next hour or so wandering the
deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from
the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an
hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands
and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a
bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited
a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...
*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you *You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked *You grind your coffee beans in your mouth *You sleep with your eyes open *You have to watch videos in fast-forward *You lick your coffee pot clean *Your eyes stay open when you sneeze *The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse *You can type sixty words a minute with your feet *You can jump-start your car without cables *Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low" *You don't sweat, you percolate
+++++++++++++++++++
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 9th
"I bet that Van Gogh guy cut off his ear by accident and made
up that 'lost love' story so he wouldn't look stupid."
--Andy Pierson
***
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent
Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing
on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a
weapon.
***
"I don't have any kids. Well, at least none that I know about.
I'd like to have kids one day, though. I want to be called
Mommy by somebody other than Spanish guys in the street."
--Carol Leifer
+++++++++++++++++++
A group of junior-level executives were participating in
a management training program. The seminar leader pounded
home his point about the need to make decisions and take
action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log
and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would
you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five
because there is a difference between deciding to jump and
jumping."
+++++++++++++++++++
A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the
library... The librarian quips after checking the books...
"Sir your books are always returned with the last page
missing in every single book..."
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an
appendix when ever I see one."
+++++++++++++++++++
More on Speeding Tickets
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as
the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of them, you
get a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cat Tails
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
+++++++++++++++++++
A monthly bill from the law firm
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125.
+++++++++++++++++++
First Football Game
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game. 'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said. 'What do you mean?' he asked. 'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Republicans are still angry about this 10-day-old MoveOn.org ad. You know, the General Petraeus, he betrayed us. And the Senate actually voted to condemn an ad. That's what your government did yesterday, they held a vote to pass a resolution to condemn an ad with a pun it in. And then they had oreos and braided each other's hair." --Bill Maher "It's getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail. This week, Hillary Clinton referred to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. ... And today, he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney, Darth Vader." --Jay Leno "But, come on, it's not all bad. Hillary did call Dick Cheney Darth Vader. ... Which is very unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now." --Bill Maher "The White House has announced that during President Bush's last year in office, he's going to visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. Bush says he's going to accomplish all this in one weekend by going to Epcot Center." --Conan O'Brien "An MIT student named Star Simpson walked into Logan Airport in Boston today with a fake bomb strapped to her chest. ... She said it was art, but of course they took it very seriously. Police were called. In fact, it got so scary, it actually scared Senator Larry Craig right out of the airport men's room" --Jay Leno "Last night, yet another Democratic presidential debate. ... The Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the senior citizen group AARP. To win over the crowd, each candidate came out strongly against the War of 1812" --Conan O'Brien "The Democrat-controlled Congress' approval rating is now somewhere between rectal itch and that (jerk) on the Internet who says 'leave Britney alone.' ... Their approval ratings is 11%. 11%! They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
Sometimes the spirit of the garbage disposal demands the offering of a
spoon.
+++++++++++++++++++
Employment HistoryTo pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."
+++++++++++++++++++
Failing Eyesight
An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on
her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight
was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her
because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a
plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.
She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet
from her front porch.
When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were
talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and
asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"
Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a
thing."
"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran
toward the tree, and collided with a cow.
+++++++++++++++++++
At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call
Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention,"
he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at
the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't
realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
***
"My wife finally convinced me to sign what's called a living
will. It's a document that gives her the right, if I become
attached to some mechanical device, to terminate my life. So
yesterday, I'm on the excercise bike..." -Jonathan Katz
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her
dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin
fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she
begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying,
"Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds,
"Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one
question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
+++++++++++++++++++
We had built our dream house several years ago, and
furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them.
Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new
bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.
"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the
driver walked up to the house. "I've been waiting twelve
years for this!"
"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this
morning."
up that 'lost love' story so he wouldn't look stupid."
--Andy Pierson
***
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent
Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing
on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a
weapon.
***
"I don't have any kids. Well, at least none that I know about.
I'd like to have kids one day, though. I want to be called
Mommy by somebody other than Spanish guys in the street."
--Carol Leifer
+++++++++++++++++++
A group of junior-level executives were participating in
a management training program. The seminar leader pounded
home his point about the need to make decisions and take
action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log
and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would
you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five
because there is a difference between deciding to jump and
jumping."
+++++++++++++++++++
A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the
library... The librarian quips after checking the books...
"Sir your books are always returned with the last page
missing in every single book..."
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an
appendix when ever I see one."
+++++++++++++++++++
More on Speeding Tickets
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as
the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of them, you
get a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cat Tails
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
+++++++++++++++++++
A monthly bill from the law firm
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125.
+++++++++++++++++++
First Football Game
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game. 'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said. 'What do you mean?' he asked. 'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Republicans are still angry about this 10-day-old MoveOn.org ad. You know, the General Petraeus, he betrayed us. And the Senate actually voted to condemn an ad. That's what your government did yesterday, they held a vote to pass a resolution to condemn an ad with a pun it in. And then they had oreos and braided each other's hair." --Bill Maher "It's getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail. This week, Hillary Clinton referred to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. ... And today, he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney, Darth Vader." --Jay Leno "But, come on, it's not all bad. Hillary did call Dick Cheney Darth Vader. ... Which is very unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now." --Bill Maher "The White House has announced that during President Bush's last year in office, he's going to visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. Bush says he's going to accomplish all this in one weekend by going to Epcot Center." --Conan O'Brien "An MIT student named Star Simpson walked into Logan Airport in Boston today with a fake bomb strapped to her chest. ... She said it was art, but of course they took it very seriously. Police were called. In fact, it got so scary, it actually scared Senator Larry Craig right out of the airport men's room" --Jay Leno "Last night, yet another Democratic presidential debate. ... The Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the senior citizen group AARP. To win over the crowd, each candidate came out strongly against the War of 1812" --Conan O'Brien "The Democrat-controlled Congress' approval rating is now somewhere between rectal itch and that (jerk) on the Internet who says 'leave Britney alone.' ... Their approval ratings is 11%. 11%! They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
Sometimes the spirit of the garbage disposal demands the offering of a
spoon.
+++++++++++++++++++
Employment HistoryTo pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."
+++++++++++++++++++
Failing Eyesight
An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on
her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight
was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her
because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a
plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.
She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet
from her front porch.
When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were
talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and
asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"
Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a
thing."
"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran
toward the tree, and collided with a cow.
+++++++++++++++++++
At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call
Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention,"
he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at
the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't
realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
***
"My wife finally convinced me to sign what's called a living
will. It's a document that gives her the right, if I become
attached to some mechanical device, to terminate my life. So
yesterday, I'm on the excercise bike..." -Jonathan Katz
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her
dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin
fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she
begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying,
"Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds,
"Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one
question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
+++++++++++++++++++
We had built our dream house several years ago, and
furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them.
Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new
bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.
"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the
driver walked up to the house. "I've been waiting twelve
years for this!"
"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this
morning."
Monday, October 08, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 8th
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car
driven by a beautiful woman, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car
opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
The biker drives on. In the next car is another beautiful woman. While
passing, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window:
"Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off
the road into a ditch. A car stops and a beautiful woman man runs to the
unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda
motorcycle?"
"Yes I have." said the woman. "I've had a Honda for several years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
+++++++++++++++++++
Grumpy, Not Mad
Q: What do you call a grumpy cow? A: Moo-dy
+++++++++++++++++++
We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
+++++++++++++++++++
New Old Sayings
1. Anywhere you hang your @ is home. 2. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). 19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like ( http://www.)home(.com) 23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ghost Indian
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there was a tapping on the window. "Ah Hoh!" "Hey guy!" "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!" Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window. The Ponca man driving shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour. "Step on it!" "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window. The driver shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour. Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window. "You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there." "I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour. About that time the little old man motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did. "Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know
+++++++++++++++++++
Raking Blonde
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.
+++++++++++++++++++
Crop Circles
Q. Why do aliens make crop circles? A. Because they are corny.
+++++++++++++++++++
May I take your order, sir
A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked. "Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens." The man replied. "Oh, it's nothing too special, sir," the waiter confided. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
+++++++++++++++++++
The passenger noticed by the license that his cab driver's name was Winston
Churchill. Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is Winston
Churchill."
The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my name."
The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter said, "That's a
pretty famous name."
The driver responded with: "As well it should be. I've been driving a cab
here for over forty years."
+++++++++++++++++++
Sir William Thompson was very deaf but he did not like people to know this.
One evening he had invited several friends to dinner, and while they were
sitting at the table, one of the friends told a funny story.
Everyone laughed, and Sir William, who had laughed as loud as anyone, said,
"That was a very funny joke, but I know a funnier one. Would you like to
hear it?" They all said they would, so Sir William began his story. When it
ended, everyone laughed louder than ever and Sir William smiled happily.
However, he didn't know the reason for their laughter.
He had told the very same story that his friend had just told.
+++++++++++++++++++
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows. It's never
been tried.
driven by a beautiful woman, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car
opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
The biker drives on. In the next car is another beautiful woman. While
passing, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window:
"Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off
the road into a ditch. A car stops and a beautiful woman man runs to the
unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda
motorcycle?"
"Yes I have." said the woman. "I've had a Honda for several years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
+++++++++++++++++++
Grumpy, Not Mad
Q: What do you call a grumpy cow? A: Moo-dy
+++++++++++++++++++
We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
+++++++++++++++++++
New Old Sayings
1. Anywhere you hang your @ is home. 2. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). 19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like ( http://www.)home(.com) 23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ghost Indian
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there was a tapping on the window. "Ah Hoh!" "Hey guy!" "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!" Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window. The Ponca man driving shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour. "Step on it!" "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window. The driver shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour. Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window. "You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there." "I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour. About that time the little old man motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did. "Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know
+++++++++++++++++++
Raking Blonde
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.
+++++++++++++++++++
Crop Circles
Q. Why do aliens make crop circles? A. Because they are corny.
+++++++++++++++++++
May I take your order, sir
A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked. "Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens." The man replied. "Oh, it's nothing too special, sir," the waiter confided. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
+++++++++++++++++++
The passenger noticed by the license that his cab driver's name was Winston
Churchill. Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is Winston
Churchill."
The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my name."
The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter said, "That's a
pretty famous name."
The driver responded with: "As well it should be. I've been driving a cab
here for over forty years."
+++++++++++++++++++
Sir William Thompson was very deaf but he did not like people to know this.
One evening he had invited several friends to dinner, and while they were
sitting at the table, one of the friends told a funny story.
Everyone laughed, and Sir William, who had laughed as loud as anyone, said,
"That was a very funny joke, but I know a funnier one. Would you like to
hear it?" They all said they would, so Sir William began his story. When it
ended, everyone laughed louder than ever and Sir William smiled happily.
However, he didn't know the reason for their laughter.
He had told the very same story that his friend had just told.
+++++++++++++++++++
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows. It's never
been tried.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 7th
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car
driven by a beautiful woman, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car
opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
The biker drives on. In the next car is another beautiful woman. While
passing, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window:
"Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off
the road into a ditch. A car stops and a beautiful woman man runs to the
unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda
motorcycle?"
"Yes I have." said the woman. "I've had a Honda for several years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
driven by a beautiful woman, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car
opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
The biker drives on. In the next car is another beautiful woman. While
passing, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window:
"Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't and I never will."
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off
the road into a ditch. A car stops and a beautiful woman man runs to the
unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda
motorcycle?"
"Yes I have." said the woman. "I've had a Honda for several years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
Friday, October 05, 2007
hUMOR For Oct. 5th
Evil Brunettes
Why is brunette considered an evil color? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
+++++++++++++++++++
Keep an Eye on Your Cousin
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
+++++++++++++++++++
Getting Married in a Hurry
Giorgo and his beautiful girl-friend Isabella rush in to see the vicar: "We want to get married . Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you do a quick service?" The vicar is amused. He marries the two young people, pockets his fee and asks: "Isn't there a proverb?.. something about not marrying in haste? Why are you two in such a hurry?" Dragging his bride after him, Giorgio rushes out into the street: "We double parked!"
+++++++++++++++++++
No Cure for Cancer?
We've all caught someone at sometime picking their nose. Some try to do it in secret. Others do it openly without embarrassment. Maybe even you have been caught in the act. Nose-picking is one disgusting habit and is certainly not socially acceptable. So, are these people normal? One would guess that this is not the type of thing researched at our institutions of higher learning. Guess again. The Americans did. Of course, scientists must give everyday things complicated scientific names. Nose picking is a term for us common folk. Nose-picking should really be referred to as rhinotillexomania (rhino=nose, tillexis=habit of picking at something, mania=obsession with something). So, the next time that you see a person picking their nose, tell them that they are a rhinotillexomaniac. The researchers prepared their "Rhinotillexomania Questionnaire" and randomly mailed it to 1000 residents in Dane County, Wisconsin. Each survey included a cover letter that stated, "The University of Wisconsin is conducting a survey of a common but understudied habit scientifically known as 'rhinotillexomania'. Its common name is nose-picking." Even better, the letter actually defined what nose-picking is: "Insertion of a finger (or other object) into the nose with the intention of removing dried nasal secretions." I'll bet that you already knew that. Can you imagine getting this survey in the mail? Even with the University's seal on the stationary, one would have to wonder whether this was a joke or not. Now for the results (assuming that they are reliable): Of the 1000 surveys mailed out, only 254 were completed and returned to the researchers. · 8.7% claim that they have never picked their nose. (In other words, they are liars or they can't remember doing it as a kid.) · 91% stated that they had picked their nose in the past and were still actively practicing this habit. Yet, only 49.2% of the respondents actually thought that nose-picking was common in adults. · 9.2% rate their pickin' as "more than average." · 25.6% actually pick their noses daily, 22.3% do it 2 to 5 times each day, and three people admitted to doing it at least hourly. · 55.5% spent 1-5 minutes, 23.5% spent 5-15 minutes, and 0.8% (2 people) spent 15-30 minutes each day cleaning their nostrils. One lone soul claims to devote over 2 hours each day to this ritual (I'm not a doctor and I can tell you that this guy definitely has rhinotillexomania). · 18% reported nosebleeds, while 0.8% claimed perforation of the nasal septum from their nose-picking. · 65.1% use their index finger, 20.2% use their pinky, and 16.4% use their thumb (must have BIG nostrils to fit a thumb in) as their instrument of choice. · Most people (90.3%) disposed of the goop in a tissue or a handkerchief, while 28.6% used the floor, and 7.6% stuck it to the furniture. · 8% of the respondents actually ate the end product. In case you are thinking of trying this delicacy, the study claims that the pickings are quite tasty (salty). So, what have we learned from this groundbreaking study? Basically, boogers apparently taste good, although I can guarantee to you that I will never do the taste testing to find out. And we are wondering why there is no cure for Cancer yet!
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (four) and Hannah
(two) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses
for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?"
My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.
Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?"
Dad replied "Maybe."
Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it home?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A diplomat was asking Mao Tse-tung some questions after having been granted
a rare interview.
"What do you think would have happened if Mr. Khrushckev had been
assassinated instead of President Kennedy?"
Chairman Mao thought for a moment and then said "I don't think Mr. Onassis
would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."
+++++++++++++++++++
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
+++++++++++++++++++
Free Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prescription Check"
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Treat each day as your last. One day you'll be right."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Maturing" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
+++++++++++++++++++
PrioritiesComputer technician for a retailer is working on getting a new store up on the network. And that requires a call to the local cable provider ...Tech: This is about our store in Springfield. We need to have our cable relocated from the temporary location to the new store.Cable guy: I don't get it.Tech: Imagine a construction site. When we start, there's no building, just a trailer. That's where the cable was installed. Now the building is built. We want the cable inside the building.Cable guy: OK, but before the work is done, you will need to pay your delinquent bill.Tech: We never got a bill.Cable guy: That doesn't matter, you still have to pay it.Tech: OK. Maybe I didn't get a bill because you sent it to the wrong address. What address did you send it to?Cable guy: If you tell me the account number, I can tell you that.Tech: Where will I find the account number?Cable guy: On the bill.Tech: I don't have the bill.Cable guy: Well, you could go to our local office in Springfield and show them two pieces of ID and they will handle it.Tech: That's 100 miles away from my location. It would be easier just to cancel your service and DSL instead.Cable guy: OK, I will process the termination.Tech: So you will terminate service without knowing that I am who I say I am, but you won't help me pay the bill?Cable guy: Yes.Click.
Why is brunette considered an evil color? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
+++++++++++++++++++
Keep an Eye on Your Cousin
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
+++++++++++++++++++
Getting Married in a Hurry
Giorgo and his beautiful girl-friend Isabella rush in to see the vicar: "We want to get married . Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you do a quick service?" The vicar is amused. He marries the two young people, pockets his fee and asks: "Isn't there a proverb?.. something about not marrying in haste? Why are you two in such a hurry?" Dragging his bride after him, Giorgio rushes out into the street: "We double parked!"
+++++++++++++++++++
No Cure for Cancer?
We've all caught someone at sometime picking their nose. Some try to do it in secret. Others do it openly without embarrassment. Maybe even you have been caught in the act. Nose-picking is one disgusting habit and is certainly not socially acceptable. So, are these people normal? One would guess that this is not the type of thing researched at our institutions of higher learning. Guess again. The Americans did. Of course, scientists must give everyday things complicated scientific names. Nose picking is a term for us common folk. Nose-picking should really be referred to as rhinotillexomania (rhino=nose, tillexis=habit of picking at something, mania=obsession with something). So, the next time that you see a person picking their nose, tell them that they are a rhinotillexomaniac. The researchers prepared their "Rhinotillexomania Questionnaire" and randomly mailed it to 1000 residents in Dane County, Wisconsin. Each survey included a cover letter that stated, "The University of Wisconsin is conducting a survey of a common but understudied habit scientifically known as 'rhinotillexomania'. Its common name is nose-picking." Even better, the letter actually defined what nose-picking is: "Insertion of a finger (or other object) into the nose with the intention of removing dried nasal secretions." I'll bet that you already knew that. Can you imagine getting this survey in the mail? Even with the University's seal on the stationary, one would have to wonder whether this was a joke or not. Now for the results (assuming that they are reliable): Of the 1000 surveys mailed out, only 254 were completed and returned to the researchers. · 8.7% claim that they have never picked their nose. (In other words, they are liars or they can't remember doing it as a kid.) · 91% stated that they had picked their nose in the past and were still actively practicing this habit. Yet, only 49.2% of the respondents actually thought that nose-picking was common in adults. · 9.2% rate their pickin' as "more than average." · 25.6% actually pick their noses daily, 22.3% do it 2 to 5 times each day, and three people admitted to doing it at least hourly. · 55.5% spent 1-5 minutes, 23.5% spent 5-15 minutes, and 0.8% (2 people) spent 15-30 minutes each day cleaning their nostrils. One lone soul claims to devote over 2 hours each day to this ritual (I'm not a doctor and I can tell you that this guy definitely has rhinotillexomania). · 18% reported nosebleeds, while 0.8% claimed perforation of the nasal septum from their nose-picking. · 65.1% use their index finger, 20.2% use their pinky, and 16.4% use their thumb (must have BIG nostrils to fit a thumb in) as their instrument of choice. · Most people (90.3%) disposed of the goop in a tissue or a handkerchief, while 28.6% used the floor, and 7.6% stuck it to the furniture. · 8% of the respondents actually ate the end product. In case you are thinking of trying this delicacy, the study claims that the pickings are quite tasty (salty). So, what have we learned from this groundbreaking study? Basically, boogers apparently taste good, although I can guarantee to you that I will never do the taste testing to find out. And we are wondering why there is no cure for Cancer yet!
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (four) and Hannah
(two) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses
for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?"
My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.
Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?"
Dad replied "Maybe."
Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it home?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A diplomat was asking Mao Tse-tung some questions after having been granted
a rare interview.
"What do you think would have happened if Mr. Khrushckev had been
assassinated instead of President Kennedy?"
Chairman Mao thought for a moment and then said "I don't think Mr. Onassis
would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."
+++++++++++++++++++
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
+++++++++++++++++++
Free Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prescription Check"
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Treat each day as your last. One day you'll be right."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Maturing" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
+++++++++++++++++++
PrioritiesComputer technician for a retailer is working on getting a new store up on the network. And that requires a call to the local cable provider ...Tech: This is about our store in Springfield. We need to have our cable relocated from the temporary location to the new store.Cable guy: I don't get it.Tech: Imagine a construction site. When we start, there's no building, just a trailer. That's where the cable was installed. Now the building is built. We want the cable inside the building.Cable guy: OK, but before the work is done, you will need to pay your delinquent bill.Tech: We never got a bill.Cable guy: That doesn't matter, you still have to pay it.Tech: OK. Maybe I didn't get a bill because you sent it to the wrong address. What address did you send it to?Cable guy: If you tell me the account number, I can tell you that.Tech: Where will I find the account number?Cable guy: On the bill.Tech: I don't have the bill.Cable guy: Well, you could go to our local office in Springfield and show them two pieces of ID and they will handle it.Tech: That's 100 miles away from my location. It would be easier just to cancel your service and DSL instead.Cable guy: OK, I will process the termination.Tech: So you will terminate service without knowing that I am who I say I am, but you won't help me pay the bill?Cable guy: Yes.Click.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 5th
Card Name
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention
hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the
guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception,
credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address
him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests
presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg,
Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
+++++++++++++++++++
Indian Chief
Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers? To keep his wigwam
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Sales Technique
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Barometer Question
This is passed on as a "true" story (or an urban legend).
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
+++++++++++++++++++
"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China
and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your
homework. People in India and China are starving for your
job.'" -Thomas Friedman
***
"Historians just found a document that showed a list of
liquor George Washington wanted for his New York head-
quarters, including a keg of brandy, a box of claret, a
box of fortified wine, a basket of cordials and two kinds
of cheese. So not only was George Washington the father of
our country, he also invented the mini-bar." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you
let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts
never do." -P.J. O'Rourke
+++++++++++++++++++
I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand
when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were.
"Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium,
ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked
ones," I answered.
"All right," he said, "crack me a dozen of the large ones."
+++++++++++++++++++
A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed
by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital
fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all
but ignored for the next half-hour.
Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled,
"Please help me!"
"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."
+++++++++++++++++++
Computer GamesWhen I was managing an office, I instituted a rule that there would be no playing games on our computers. So I wouldn't be a hypocrite, I had a computer specialist get rid of the games on my laptop along with all the others in the office. Therefore, I was surprised to find my grandson playing Solitaire on it one weekend. I asked if he had loaded the game."No," he answered, "it was already there. It was just hidden - taken off the Main Menu."On Monday, I chided the computer specialist for not getting rid of the game."But," he explained, "I thought I just had to keep it away from *you* - not from a nine year-old."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.
+++++++++++++++++++
Lexiograms
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.
19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of
defeat.
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention
hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the
guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception,
credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address
him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests
presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg,
Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
+++++++++++++++++++
Indian Chief
Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers? To keep his wigwam
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Sales Technique
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Barometer Question
This is passed on as a "true" story (or an urban legend).
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
+++++++++++++++++++
"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China
and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your
homework. People in India and China are starving for your
job.'" -Thomas Friedman
***
"Historians just found a document that showed a list of
liquor George Washington wanted for his New York head-
quarters, including a keg of brandy, a box of claret, a
box of fortified wine, a basket of cordials and two kinds
of cheese. So not only was George Washington the father of
our country, he also invented the mini-bar." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you
let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts
never do." -P.J. O'Rourke
+++++++++++++++++++
I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand
when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were.
"Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium,
ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked
ones," I answered.
"All right," he said, "crack me a dozen of the large ones."
+++++++++++++++++++
A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed
by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital
fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all
but ignored for the next half-hour.
Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled,
"Please help me!"
"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."
+++++++++++++++++++
Computer GamesWhen I was managing an office, I instituted a rule that there would be no playing games on our computers. So I wouldn't be a hypocrite, I had a computer specialist get rid of the games on my laptop along with all the others in the office. Therefore, I was surprised to find my grandson playing Solitaire on it one weekend. I asked if he had loaded the game."No," he answered, "it was already there. It was just hidden - taken off the Main Menu."On Monday, I chided the computer specialist for not getting rid of the game."But," he explained, "I thought I just had to keep it away from *you* - not from a nine year-old."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.
+++++++++++++++++++
Lexiograms
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.
19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of
defeat.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 3rd
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Bank Manager
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes: First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus: 1. To make an appointment to see me 2. To query a missing repayment 3. To make a general complaint or inquiry 4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received. 5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received. 6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received. 7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home. 8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact. 9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your humble client
+++++++++++++++++++
Mozart
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
+++++++++++++++++++
What, you ask, is "Butt Dust"? Read on and you'll discover the joy in a child's sincere originality. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?" SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough." DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?" JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story.. His dad read: "Th e man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Keep the faith...just not from others."
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "First Impressions" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A passenger is in a plane enjoying the view of the clouds when a man in a parachute appears at the window. The man says "Would you like to join me?"
The passenger responds with, "No thanks."
The man says, "Suit yourself, I'm the pilot."
+++++++++++++++++++
First AidIt was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, Honey, I've had a course in first aid."The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dear Bank Manager
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes: First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus: 1. To make an appointment to see me 2. To query a missing repayment 3. To make a general complaint or inquiry 4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received. 5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received. 6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received. 7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home. 8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact. 9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your humble client
+++++++++++++++++++
Mozart
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
+++++++++++++++++++
What, you ask, is "Butt Dust"? Read on and you'll discover the joy in a child's sincere originality. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?" SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough." DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?" JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story.. His dad read: "Th e man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Keep the faith...just not from others."
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "First Impressions" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A passenger is in a plane enjoying the view of the clouds when a man in a parachute appears at the window. The man says "Would you like to join me?"
The passenger responds with, "No thanks."
The man says, "Suit yourself, I'm the pilot."
+++++++++++++++++++
First AidIt was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, Honey, I've had a course in first aid."The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 2nd
Contact LensThe teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand."How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked."We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Scotch Tape has been designated a national historic
chemical landmark. It's only the second time in history
something's been designated a chemical landmark. The
first was the state of New Jersey." -Jay Leno
***
"Police in Germany say they arrested a man in a wheel chair
for breaking into a building. They say the man would have
gotten away, but they shot out his tires." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Autumn starts Sunday. Here in L.A. we don't actually have
leaves, but we watch Ashley Simpson's hair change color."
-Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
I work for a small software company with approximately fifty
employees. My Boss was the company's third employee. At a
meeting with a potential client, our team introduced our-
selves one by one. When it was my Boss' turn, he said, "I've
been with the company for it's entire 10 year history. I
started as a 'lowly programmer' and now I am a senior
manager."
When it was my turn, I stood and said, "I'm new with the
company. I'm still a lowly programmer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western
civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone when a
policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her
the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and
everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"
"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
+++++++++++++++++++
Just a Little Help
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Household Budget
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
+++++++++++++++++++
Emergency Room
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment. "What happened" asked the doctor. "Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man. "She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron." The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?" "Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."
+++++++++++++++++++
Did she threaten to kill you?
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?" "No." "Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?" "No." "Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer. "Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Connie told her 3-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After
several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would
hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was found jumping from one
bed to the other.
Connie's friend said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were
you?"
He stood before her with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying
so hard to quit."
+++++++++++++++++++
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per
night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in
a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180
pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have
wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
+++++++++++++++++++
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is
comprehensible. - Albert Einstein
+++++++++++++++++++
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, Proff Vernon Allen capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting his brother Dan standing on the shore, Prof. Allen shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," Dan hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, Prof. Allen started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked Dan, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"Didn’t do nothin,'" the Dan said.
"Wow," said the breathless still-swimming Prof. Allen and slowed down.
Then added, "The sharks got 'em."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Primative Tech Support"
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:This "Fire Help." Me Groog.Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.You have flint and stone?Ugh.You hit them together?Ugh.What happen?Fire not work.(sigh) Make spark?No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.*sigh* You change rock?I change nothing.You sure?Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
+++++++++++++++++++
"Scotch Tape has been designated a national historic
chemical landmark. It's only the second time in history
something's been designated a chemical landmark. The
first was the state of New Jersey." -Jay Leno
***
"Police in Germany say they arrested a man in a wheel chair
for breaking into a building. They say the man would have
gotten away, but they shot out his tires." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Autumn starts Sunday. Here in L.A. we don't actually have
leaves, but we watch Ashley Simpson's hair change color."
-Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
I work for a small software company with approximately fifty
employees. My Boss was the company's third employee. At a
meeting with a potential client, our team introduced our-
selves one by one. When it was my Boss' turn, he said, "I've
been with the company for it's entire 10 year history. I
started as a 'lowly programmer' and now I am a senior
manager."
When it was my turn, I stood and said, "I'm new with the
company. I'm still a lowly programmer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western
civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone when a
policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her
the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and
everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"
"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
+++++++++++++++++++
Just a Little Help
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Household Budget
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
+++++++++++++++++++
Emergency Room
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment. "What happened" asked the doctor. "Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man. "She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron." The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?" "Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."
+++++++++++++++++++
Did she threaten to kill you?
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?" "No." "Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?" "No." "Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer. "Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Connie told her 3-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After
several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would
hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was found jumping from one
bed to the other.
Connie's friend said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were
you?"
He stood before her with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying
so hard to quit."
+++++++++++++++++++
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per
night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in
a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180
pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have
wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
+++++++++++++++++++
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is
comprehensible. - Albert Einstein
+++++++++++++++++++
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, Proff Vernon Allen capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting his brother Dan standing on the shore, Prof. Allen shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," Dan hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, Prof. Allen started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked Dan, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"Didn’t do nothin,'" the Dan said.
"Wow," said the breathless still-swimming Prof. Allen and slowed down.
Then added, "The sharks got 'em."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Primative Tech Support"
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:This "Fire Help." Me Groog.Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.You have flint and stone?Ugh.You hit them together?Ugh.What happen?Fire not work.(sigh) Make spark?No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.*sigh* You change rock?I change nothing.You sure?Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
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