hUMOR For July 9th

Thirsty Cat
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

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FHA Loan
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: "Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. "For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. "The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. "Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. "I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have our Title?

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Hand DryersMy pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read:"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

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Two-by-fours
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

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Dog Who Played Baseball
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him. "Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."

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Science Lesson
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

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For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.Please sit on the couch.Which one! Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing a spinning insect.Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a mothGet out of the way -- you're in my light!

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Police Comments

These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because
that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the
shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn
dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post
your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."

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An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas.
She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and
she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time,
another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This
is Bob. May I help you?"

"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who
are those two women he's with?"

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Typographical Blunders

Found in the Huron, S.D. PAY DAY: Apt. for rent: 3 br., deposit, lease. No
poets.

Ad in the New London, Conn., DAY: Medical receptionist: busy office is
searching for bright, capable self-starter. If you are cheerful and
reproductive under pressure, please send resume'.

In the classified section of the Battle Creek, Mich., ENQUIRER: Full-service
hotel looking to expand its existing food operation with a quality Sioux
chief.

The city of Staunton, Va., once issued instructions for using its voting
machines that included this passage: To correct a mistake, turn lover to
original position and make another choice.

In a Santa Rosa, CA, PRESS DEMOCRAT article on high-school football: Taylor
Frey led the Cougars on defense with eight tickles.

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"'Buffet' is a French term that means, 'Get up and get it yourself.'" - Greg
Ray

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"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but
did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the
back?"

hUMOR For July 8th

Military Kittie
My housecat went down to the local military recruiting depot to sign up for the service. He came back about two hours later and sadly explained that he couldn't enlist because he would have to be de-furred.

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High School Reunion
My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated." She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to."

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Elephant Robbery
A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery. "You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away." The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?" "What's the difference?" asked the jeweller. "Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears." "Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a stocking over his head."

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For The Kids...
How do ghosts learn songs?They read the sheet music! Why did Dracula go to the dentist?He had fang decay! What's the best way of seeing a witch?On the television!

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Two businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch. One of them says, "I have
a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the
circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could
let you have it for only $3,000."

The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do
with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I
can't even squeeze in an end table. So why would I buy an elephant?"

The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two
grand."

"Well then," said the other, "now you're talking!"

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Old Uncle Paddy passed away, and it was up to young Robert to wire the
message back home to Glasgow. The cheapest price he could find was ten words
for three dollars.

The message reads as follows: UNCLE PADDY DIED YESTERDAY. NO PAIN.
SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN.

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Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for $200

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Niece's Baby

I was in a public bathroom when I heard a woman talking to
her friend.

"... Yeah, so my niece just had her baby, and in the
excitement of it all, I admit I neglected it. And then I had
to go to New Mexico for my brother's wedding. I hired the
kid across the street from me to take care of it, and to
make sure it gets water a few times every day. It's just
been getting so hot outside! Anyways, when I come home, I
open the gate to my front yard, and there it is, in the most
sickly condition ever, dying! It never got any water at all,
for two weeks!"

I'm sitting there, horrified, thinking of some poor and
dehydrated animal, when the woman says, "I'm never letting
that kid take care of my lawn ever again!"

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A goober got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Goober separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Goober at the end of his first day.
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, sir" said Goober, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even a better Job."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"
Goober replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

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CleanQuote
"People will pay more to be entertained than educated."- Johnny Carson

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"Parenting" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

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BoyfriendsA good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.Talking to one of my daughters one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home."You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

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A Tried and Trusted Employee
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

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For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I ve lost my memory!When did this happen?When did what happen? Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber bandWhy don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it! Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liarI can't believe that!

hUMOR For July 7th

A pair of chickens go to the library
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
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Hopeless Pupil
"It's no good, Mrs. rATH," said hopeless Vernie. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked Mrs. Rath, "But you only have two ears." "You see, I'm no good at math, either."

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The White House requested an extra $55 million for hurricane forecasting
equipment. Twenty five cents of that will be used to make a call to FEMA
headquarters to tell them a hurricane is coming.

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An old physics joke recounts that Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the
police for speeding one night. The police officer asks the professor, "Do
you have any idea how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am."

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Vacation: A two-week-long experience where money and time race against each
other until both are totally exhausted.

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"Just Visiting Here"
The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.
She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'."
"Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?"
"I'm just visiting here."

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Recent Quips from Late Night
"The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn't be more excited. ... Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It's a lot better than loser." --Jay Leno "They're getting ready to unveil President Bush's presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, 'In other words, we're just gonna build some stuff and see what happens.'" --Conan O'Brien "You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, 'My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face ... and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?' Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything." --Jon Stewart "CNN, of course, was referring to revelations that Dick Cheney's office has for years refused to comply with an executive order requiring him to report how he was classifying secret documents. In fact, rather than comply, Cheney attempted to abolish the agency in charge of the oversight. But unfortunately, since you can't shoot an entire agency in the face, he resorted to a different tactic. Cheney now claims he doesn't have to follow the executive orders because he's not a member of the executive branch. Now before you say, 'Oh my God, the vice president's a crazy person that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be allowed to operate lightweight machinery,' listen to his argument: He's not part of the executive branch because he's also president of the Senate, a legislative body. ... It's like the Harlem Globetrotters saying they were part of Scooby and the Gang, even though they only showed up once at a haunted amusement park and once on some Christmas special, which doesn't even count" --Jon Stewart "He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander." --John Oliver, on Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him "Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs 'The Sopranos' finale. In the ad, she orders carrot sticks at a diner, then switches the jukebox to a Celine Dion song. Hillary's calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal hell." --Conan O'Brien

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Expensive Doctors
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

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Three Little Pigs
Q. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?A. They thought their father was an awful boar.

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For The Kids...
Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

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You've got to spend money to lose money.

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"I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes
on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and
smoke a cigarette." --Anthony Hopkins

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"My wife took pictures of me naked and sent them to Playgirl.
They passed on them, but I AM going to be in Field & Stream."
--Adam Sandler

***

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men
don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women
want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show
me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld

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Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store,
painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet
tall: YELD

Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through
the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had
painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read
YEILD.

About two months later they finally fixed it. The old
lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted
on top of that was the word STOP.

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A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist
stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging
through her purse, as so many patients did when they had
a check to write.

"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her
handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.

hUMOR For July 6th

Chocolate CaloriesA good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.Therefore...In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!I owe my life to chocolate.

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How To Please Your I.T. Department
(A quick check list for those who need to make contact.] 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. 5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. 9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. 10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. 11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. 13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. 14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

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Exam By Chance
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

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Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

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For The Kids...
What did the cross eyed school teacher say to his disruptive children?"I can't control my pupils." Why are there no Christians in Heaven yet?Because they are all still at the gates, saying to each other: "After you", "No, I insist after you..." How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?What's a light bulb?

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The White House requested an extra $55 million for hurricane forecasting
equipment. Twenty five cents of that will be used to make a call to FEMA
headquarters to tell them a hurricane is coming.

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An old physics joke recounts that Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the
police for speeding one night. The police officer asks the professor, "Do
you have any idea how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am."

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Vacation: A two-week-long experience where money and time race against each
other until both are totally exhausted.

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Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but
your waiter may know!
YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
This is pretty neat
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ....
If you haven't, add 1756.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(I. e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE IT LASTS

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Ten Dollar Gift
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it. "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."

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For The Kids...
I'm not going back to school ever againWhy ever not?The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions! Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her" What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?She draws a smack!

hUMOR For July 5th

Chicago Cab Driver
On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked, "Does he want to go to the bank?"

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A guy walks into a post office ...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who? But why? asks the man. I'm a divorce lawyer, the man replies.

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The easiest way to make decisions is to pretend that the consequences don't
matter.

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"French Dream"
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.
To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."

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Oneliner
"The sandwich dates back to the time man discovered he could not live by bread alone."

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Southern Driven
First of all there are a few changes in the drien laws from up north.
We don't use turn signals, just tell someone where you are going and everybody else will know.
Speed limits are just sugestions, but if ya wreck, we told ya it was to fast.
Stop signs and yield signs are just sugestions, you don't have to stop if ya in a hurry.
You can pass on the grass if there is enough room.

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Redneck Family Tree
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.

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You Kill It * We Grill It Entrees Canine Cusine Center line bovine $4.95 Slab of Lab $3.50 The Chiken $2.95 Pit Bull Pot Pie $3.95 (Who did not make it) Cocker Cutlets $2.35 Flat Cat $4.59 Shar-Pei Filet $5.25 Poodles-N-Noodles $3.80 A Taste of the Wild Side Snippet O' Whippet $5.00 Collie Hit By A Trolley $3.99 Chunk Of Skunk $1.00 German Shepard Pie $2.99 Smidgeon of Pigeon $3.75 Round of Hound $3.68 Road Toad ALa Mode $4.55 Shake-N-Bake Snake $4.44 Guess That Mess Swirl of Squirel $3.25 WipperWill on a Gril $2.89 Late Night Delight $1.00 Narrow Sparrow $4.57 Rack of Racoon $1.50 Rigor Mortis Tortise $3.79 Smear of Deer $0.99 Awsome Possum $1.25 Cheap Sheep $0.50

+++++++++++++++++++

Winter Survival
There is an ugly rumor that we can't drive in the snow. It's not like we southerners couldn't learn to drive in the snow. It's just that we never get a chance. And when we do, Watch Out.
First, we go about creating the ever popular three-rut road. This is acomplished when the first car, heading north, drives with it's ledt tires where the center line would be if you could see it. The cars heading south also drive with there left tires in the center of the road. This forms a three-rut road and makes for some interesting driving when autos meet each other.
Next, we never drive over one and a half miles an hour. This is so that we can never build up enough speed to get any traction and spend most of our time spinning our wheels and sliding back and forth. If we do get up enough speed, we like to apply our brakes briskly and suddenly.
The North has snowplows and all sorts of snow removal equipment at it's disposal. Most municipalities in the South have an old shovel and some ice cream salt. We do have, however, three or four guys in each community who ride around in a four-wheel-drive vehicle. THey will pull you out of the ditch or run you in it according to their mood.
As soon as we hear the word snow mentioned in the weather forecast, we are all obligated to report to the nearest grocery store immediatley. This is becouse many southerners starved to death in a blizard during the Civil War when they came home with Moon Pies instead of stocking up on bread and milk. If you get a good dusting of snow today you have to have a couple of loaves of bread and a good milk cow or you're doomed.
There is a law in the south that if snow is spotted, schools are to shut down immediately. MInd you, this is if snow is spotted anywhere in a 200-mile radius of the school. We call off school because we don't want our kidds riding home in the snow on those dangerous school buses. Then we put them on a garbage can lid, tie it to the back bumper of the pick up and pull them around on the interstate. It's great fun.
An excerpt from "holiday hilarities: A Collection of Holiday Humor" by Warren Dixon Jr. As cited in Carolina Country December 1999.

+++++++++++++++++++

Home Repair Tips
Tools Needed
Each home shuld have these toools.
Duck Tape
Sledge Hamer
How to Fix Some Common Problems
Leaky Sink How To Fix: Wrap the pipes with duck tape and if it stil leaks put a buket under it.
Car Want Run How To Fix: Open the hood and hit the engine with a sledge hammer.
Broken Window How To Fix: Cover cracks with ducktape and if needed tape a trash bag over any holes.
Stuck Door How To Fix: Hit it with a sledge hamer.
How To Install A Skylight. How To: Make hole with sledge hamer and cover with a clear piece of plastic. Ducktape in place.
Creaky Steps. How To Fix: Hit them with a sledge hammer.
Leaky Roof How To Fix: Find the leak and ducktap over it.
Torn Cloths How To Fix: Ducktape them back together.
Shoes Fallen Apart. How To Fix: Wrap them in ducktape.

+++++++++++++++++++

”Job Spelling”
Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."
Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."
Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh...."
Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to Little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician."

hUMOR For July 4th

Biology Test

Students in biology were taking their final exam. The last
question
was,
"Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk," worth 70 points or none
at
all.
One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote;
1. It is the perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to the mother, & vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.


And then the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating
the end of the test rang, he wrote;

7. It comes in really awesome containers.
He got an A

+++++++++++++++++++

Mensa Convention

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or
higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San
Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker
contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution
involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

+++++++++++++++++++

Mensa Convention

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or
higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San
Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker
contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution
involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

+++++++++++++++++++

This has got to be one of the most cleverE-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too muchspare time or is deadly at Scrabble.(Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: ! When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :When you rearrange the letters:HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: "Hot today in New York. If you have an oyster bar in your
town, try this: Go to the oyster bar, sit down, order coffee,
whatever you're going to have, then when they're not looking,
fill your pants with shaved ice." -Dave Letterman
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaaytoo much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law). Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!DON' T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

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Deer CrossingA crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.Turning to a co-worker he said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

+++++++++++++++++++

"The iPhone came out today. People were camping out all night
in front of the store. These people are pathetic, really...
Oh, come on — get a life. Especially the people behind me in
line. They were noisy." -Craig Ferguson

+++++++++++++++++++

"The iPhone comes out today. The summer release date coincides
perfectly with the first day of pushing people in the pool
with their phones in the pockets." -Jimmy Kimmel

+++++++++++++++++++

Brandon, my grandson was working at a pet store that offered
free replacement fish to any that die. A lady called and
stated that her hamster had died. The salesperson who answered
the phone misunderstood her, thinking it was a fish, told her
to place it in a plastic bag with water and return it so it
could be replaced. The lady followed instructions to a "T"
and brought her dead hamster in a bag of water and handed to
my grandson and said "my hamster died." Laughing he replied
"Was that before or after you placed it in the bag of water?"

He was fired for not showing sympathy to a customer!

+++++++++++++++++++

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner
had to call an electrician, a roofer and a carpenter. One
afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's
truck in the driveway.

"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be
having an affair."

hUMOR For July 3rd

I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store when
smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood. Frantic, I bolted into
the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was
standing behind the customer service counter.

"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"

Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."

+++++++++++++++++++

"At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted
all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.'" - Mark Klein

+++++++++++++++++++

Recent Quips from Late Night
"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'Impeach Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger." --Jay Leno "This morning in Washington, President Bush attended the 6th Annual Hispanic Prayer Breakfast. At the breakfast, President Bush showed off his Spanish by ordering 'El Capitan Cruncho.'" --Conan O'Brien "All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely." --Jay Leno "President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania ... and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran." --David Letterman "The Pentagon has admitted they once tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. They said their goal was to turn the Iraq war into a musical. ... Gay bomb? Talk about a troop surge. ... I believe the main ingredients in the gay bomb are an agent orange with a chartreuse accent." --Jay Leno "Yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign-language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, 'How about you tell us how you learned English, and we'll do the opposite.'" --Conan O'Brien "Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson ... gave a major campaign speech yesterday. A major speech to let everyone know he is not dropping out of the race ... and he is entering the Iowa straw poll and he intends to win it. And then the kid at the McDonald's drive-thru said, 'You want fries, Mr.?'" --Jay Leno

+++++++++++++++++++

Alphabet
Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?" The teacher says, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny." Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: a "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!" The teacher asks, "Where is the P?" Johnny replies, "Running down my leg. Please let me go to the bathroom!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Beethoven's Grave
A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where ita (tm)s coming from. She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, a oeLudwig van Beethoven.a Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward. Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order. By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!!"

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before. Did you hear about the man who bought had a dog with no legs? He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag. What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender? Make me One with everything.

+++++++++++++++++++

No Novocaine

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to
the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want
novocaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just
extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on
our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a
courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your
tooth, dear."

+++++++++++++++++++

The best work in the world is done by people who's bosses don't know what
they're doing.

+++++++++++++++++++

"Ice Cream Flavors"
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
"A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."

+++++++++++++++++++

"Musical Note"
The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.
The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

+++++++++++++++++++

First Day of Psychiatry ClassThe aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?""Sadness," said the student.And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma."Elation," she said."And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

hUMOR For July 2nd

Car Shopping
A couple had been looking at new cars for months. He wanted a simple truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zoom through traffic and look like a princess. He would have settled for almost any old truck, but everything she wanted was way out of price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 220 in 5 seconds or less. Valentines Day is coming up and you should surprise me with something really really great this year!" Soon Valentines Day arrived and she un-wrapped her brand new bathroom scale.

+++++++++++++++++++

Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Have long marriages
Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
What happened at the vampires race?It finished neck and neck! What's a vampire's favourite drink?A bloody mary! Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?It had a nervous breakdown! What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?"Auld Fang Syne"!

+++++++++++++++++++

I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in
Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and
ask me what to do at night. I would tell them that people gather at "Mallory
Square" to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very
interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.

They would reply, "How often is that?"

+++++++++++++++++++

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just
so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some
machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

+++++++++++++++++++

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

+++++++++++++++++++

Tough Life
A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below. The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is, in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man. He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, a "Hey mana I've been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm. Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What's your deal?" The guy with No arms says, "Arrrrr - dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!" Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.

+++++++++++++++++++

The bum on a street
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
+++++++++++++++++++

Saving All The Seats
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
How do ghosts learn songs?They read the sheet music! Why did Dracula go to the dentist?He had fang decay! What's the best way of seeing a witch?On the television!

+++++++++++++++++++

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives'
birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and
have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went
to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the
job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk
seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and
anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

hUMOR For July 1st

Chocolate Ice Cream

A man approached an ice cream van and said, "I'd like two
scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir,
but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of
chocolate."

"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of
chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl said. "We have no
chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he insisted.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will
you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla'?"

The man spelled, "V-A-N."

"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"

"OK. 'S-T-R-A-W.'"

"Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in 'chocolate.'"

The man hesitated and then looked confused as he replied,
"There is no stink in chocolate."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screamed.

+++++++++++++++++++

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a
temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence
unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned
officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I
figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An
attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are
thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your
erasure."

So I did.

+++++++++++++++++++

While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a
cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for
him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the
snow."

The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"

+++++++++++++++++++

"The House of Representatives just passed a bill, a $70 billion tax cut on
capital gains. This is called the 'no millionaire left behind act.'" - David
Letterman

+++++++++++++++++++

Nail BitingTwo elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day."I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said."Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick.""What did you do?""I hid his teeth!"

+++++++++++++++++++

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I
tell you." So I didn't.

+++++++++++++++++++

"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He
prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working."
-Fred Marcum

+++++++++++++++++++

"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch up." --Unknown

+++++++++++++++++++

As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did
research at night. I would usually take a break around eight,
however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a
teammate.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a
master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed
one opponent after another, and after six games we were
undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom
wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."

+++++++++++++++++++

Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's
reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."

"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to
him. "What is your first name?"

"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got
it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."

+++++++++++++++++++

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week
for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to
preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided
to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods,
find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,
went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find
me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me
and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became
as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had
one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his
best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled
down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to
a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi,
who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and
traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He
was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best
way to start."

+++++++++++++++++++

Separation
A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?" The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
What happened at the vampires race? It finished neck and neck! What's a vampire's favourite drink?A bloody mary! Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?It had a nervous breakdown! What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?"Auld Fang Syne"!

hUMOR For June 30th

Vacuum Salesman
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

+++++++++++++++++++

A doctor and a lawyer met at a party
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning." The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.

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What is 2 * 2 ?
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?" The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?" Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it". Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system". Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know?" Medical Student : "I memorized it."

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For The Kids...
Vernie: I don't think I deserved zero on this test! Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you! What did Noah do for a job?He was an arkitecht! What's that fly doing in my gravy?Looks like the breast stroke!

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First AidThe third grade class was being given a course in first aid. The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger sibling who swallowed a house key?"After a pause, one of the students answered, "Easy! I'd climb through the window!"

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"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying
on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid
would be nice right now.'" --Kathleen Madigan

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It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers
at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary,
Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers,
but not so pleased about the card. It read "Happy Anniversary.
You're Number 2."

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"My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I
broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a
free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie
down with the luggage." --Glen Super

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New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends.
So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other
woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball
in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband."
Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."

After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And
that's my husband - the fat one."

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The tourist in London climbed into a cab and noticed by the
license that his cab driver's name was "Winston Churchill."
Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is
Winston Churchill."

The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my moniker."

The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter
said, "That's a pretty famous name."

The driver responded with: "As well it should be too. I've
been driving a cab here for over forty years."

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Organized Crime
No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he had the right to make a phone call. "Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer," the mobster said calmly.

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A Lawyer and an IRS Agent
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?

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Philosophy & Mathematics
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

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For The Kids...
Teacher: When do astronauts eat?Pupil: At launch time! Father: You were absent on the day of the test?Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was! Mother: How was your first day at school?Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!

hUMOR For June 29th

I've been having trouble concentrating lately. I think I have that attention
deficit whatever.

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"Sleeping Leg"
A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep". Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress .
Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"

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CleanQuote
"People have one thing in common: They are all different."- Robert Zend, Writer

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Which Service Is "The Best"A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was "The Best." The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck. They were run over and killed instantly.
Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?" Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on earth and welcome to Heaven."
Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note... trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY :
TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines
SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best
1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.
2. Each serves America well and with distinction.
3. Being a serviceman in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.
4. Always be proud of that.
Sincerely,
GOD – U S Army, (Retired)

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Landing RequestThere's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down."Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

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Too much analysis
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, "Hello." The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

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In the News

Brookpark, Ohio: Burglars recently broke in to an unoccupied
house that was being renovated for sale. Among the items
they stole were roofing shingles, a lawn mower, weed
whackers, and lumber.

They broke into a storage area under the deck and also a
shed in the back. Before leaving, though, they mowed the
lawn of the residence.

Neighbors report seeing strange men walking around the home,
but they never called the police because they figured the
men were hired to do the lawn.

The owners are quoted as saying they will leave a pressure
washer and painting equipment for the thieves next week as
they did a better job than the lawn care company they had
hired, and they were cheaper also.

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Dieting makes me hungry.

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"Fishing Advice"
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

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Oneliner
"I'm in great shape for a man of 65 years - it's too bad I'm only 42."

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CleanPun - "Tea"
George loved tea. He'd always come over for several cups. He had an insatiable thirst. He became such a nuisance that we decided to fix him.
To cure him of all desire for tea, we decided to drown him with the stuff. One day we forced him to drink ten pots of tea.
As he staggered off, we laughed at how clever we had been in putting ten pots in a tea pest.

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Speeding RegistrationOn a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration."I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.

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”Dog Poker”
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker."Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks."Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies."Well is he any good?" the guy asks. "Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail."

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Proof E equal to one
Theorem: e=1Proof:2*e = f2^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = 1 Therefore:2^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)2=fThus:e=1

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Physical training job
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers. "I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!" After a few minutes, one of the men stopped. "Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer. "If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

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100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to groundFF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the busFF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to groundFE buckets of bits on the bus

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For The Kids...
Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see! Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich?Because the poor didn't have anything worth stealing! Why did Eve want to move to New York?She fell for the Big Apple! Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.School Secretary: Who is this?Pupil: This is my father speaking!

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Elderly Blind Date

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old
man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that
night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

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His aching back made it impossible for my friend's husband
to get a decent night's rest on their lumpy mattress. "Until
I feel better, I'm going to sleep on the couch," he
announced.

Ordinarily, a spouse moving out of the bedroom isn't a good
sign for the marriage. So his wife couldn't resist: "Okay,
but as soon as we have an argument you're back in our bed."

hUMOR For June 28th

Toastmaster AdviceWhen you know it’s time to stop growing...
A speaker at a luncheon gave a tremendous talk and received a standing ovation. The President of the Toastmasters club was so impressed that he said to the speaker, “Everyone here is enthused. Won’t you please say a few words since we have ten minutes left of our regular time?”The speaker said, “Once there was a little baby cabbage who said to his mother, ‘Mommy, I’m worried about something. As I sit in this row of cabbages and grow and grow day after day, how will I know when to stop growing?’ ‘The rule to follow,’ said the mamma cabbage, ‘is to quit when you are a head.’ ”

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Can’t Judge A Book By Its CoverWhen you’re tire-d of changing nuts at the mental asylum…
A man was driving down the road when his tire blew out and he had to pull over to the side of the road. Turned out he was right in front of the local mental asylum.He got out of the car, jacked it up off the ground, and removed the bad tire. He put the lug nuts in a paper coffee cup so he wouldn’t lose them, but when he stood up he accidentally kicked the cup over and the lug nuts rolled into a nearby culvert.Unable to pry up the culvert cover, the man lamented to himself, “Darn, what am I gonna do now?”Just then a resident of the asylum, who had witnessed the whole episode, said, “Hey mister, why not just take a lug nut off each of the other three tires and put those nuts on your spare?”The man, amazed, said, “That was brilliant. Why the heck are you in there?”The patient replied, “I’m in here because I’m crazy… not stupid.”

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Little Johnny's First MillionWrite short prose in school…How Little Johnny prepares for a life of leisure!
The teacher asked her students to write an essay, explaining what they would do if they each had $1 million. Every student except Little Johnny began writing. He sat in his chair twiddling his thumbs.At the end of the class the teacher collected the papers. Little Johnny turned in a blank sheet.“What is the meaning of this?” the teacher asked. “All the others have written two pages or more, but you've done nothing!”“Well, replied Little Johnny, “if I had that much money, that's exactly what I'd do - nothing.”

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"Paper Eater"
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.”
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister.”

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CleanQuote
"This boy's making more noise than a couple of skeletons throwing a fit on a tin roof."- Foghorn Leghorn

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"Imagination" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and her three-year-old brother, Neil. While Chris was clearly molding a crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit more challenging. "It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it."
Some time later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.
"What happened to this animal?" I asked.
Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck."

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"For the first time ever there is now scientific proof that
air travel can increase the spread of viruses. So now we
may be able to stop the spread of some things, like bird
flu. Does this mean I can no longer take my chicken on
board? How can I now travel with my livestock?" --Jay Leno

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"Scientists have figured out a way to make mice give birth
to rats. Finally a solution to our rat shortage!"
--Dave Letterman

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"Actor George Clooney addressed the United Nations today.
Luckily there were translators on site that understand how
to speak 'handsome'." --Conan O'Brien

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After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED
they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with
the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times
do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked
after it?"

After a moment, her 5-year-old son replied quizzically,
"Er.... Once?"

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"What is that sound?" a woman asked at our nature center.

"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist,
explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But since
they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to
each other."

The woman nodded sympathetically, "The trill is gone."

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Helpful Home Depot AssociatesWhile shopping with my wife at Home Depot, we decided to split up to pick up separate items. She went off to electrical cords and power strips, and I was off to plumbing. After I was done I needed to find her so I went back to the electrical cords/power strips section. Some items caught my eye and I began to browse. A helpful Home Depot Associate came along. Here's the conversation:HDA: Can I help you find anything?Me: No, I'm good, thanks. Wait - do you know where I can find my wife?HDA: Is she carrying an extension cord?Me: Yes.HDA: Next aisle sir.I went to the next aisle and there she was.

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Car Sale

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.

One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at
a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to
make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the
car."

"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend
of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and
he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.
Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your
car?"

"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles
on it!"

hUMOR For June 27th

College Writing
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said. "Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation." The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?" "Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

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Clocks
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's my congressman's clock?" asked the man. "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan!"

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Smart Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!

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For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Juicy!Juicy who!Juicy what I just saw! Knock KnockWho's there?Julia!Julia who!Julia want to come in! Knock KnockWho's there?Julia!Julia who!Julia want some milk and cookies!

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All Time Dumbest Questions Asked By Banff Park Tourists

Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks
manned by Parks Canada staff!

1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk
Crossing" signs?

2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: "'Elk.'"
Tourist: "Oh."

4. Are the bears with collars tame?

5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic
table, or should I store it in my tent?

7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today -- could you
tell me what it was?

9. Are there birds in Canada?

10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is
that Saskatchewan?

14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

15. Which is the way to the Columbia Rice fields?

16. How far is Banff from Canada?

17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?

19. When we enter B.C., do we have to convert our money to
British pounds?

20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one,
don't they?

21. Are there phones in Banff?

22. So it's eight kilometers away... is that in miles?

23. We're on the decibel system, you know.

24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

25. Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?

26. Don't you Canadians know anything?

27. Where do you put the animals at night?

28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint
the bottom."
Tourist: "Oh!"

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"After years of trying unsuccessfully, I've finally gained 50 pounds,and a
much needed 150 points to my cholesterol count. Yep, "Hooked on Bacon"
worked for me." - Charles Gulledge

hUMOR For June 26th

"Gate Boarding"
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

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Oneliner
"DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID - Think about it…"

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"Remuss Starr"
An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:
"Remus Starr; horse thief; sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887; robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged 1889."
In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus’s picture is cropped so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:
"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

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Updated Timesheet Codes”
Updated Timesheet Codes MEMO FROM ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,Accounting
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code & Description
5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timesheet 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Wishing Something Would Happen 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5511 Feeling Sleepy5600 Complaining About Lousy Job 5601 Complaining About Low Pay 5602 Complaining About Long Hours 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323) 5604 Complaining About Boss 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining 5701 Not Actually Present At Job 5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods 6205 Hiding from Boss 6206 Gossip 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6211 Updating Resume 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter 6213 Out of Office on Interview 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Pretending6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7425 Talking With Boy/Girl friend on Phone 8100 Reading e-mail 8102 Laughing while reading e-mail

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Slot MachinesI was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino and I wasn't sure how the machines operated."Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle."And where does the money come out?" I asked.He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

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YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID These people prove it is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen. The candidates this year are...Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.Seventh Place A 49-year-old Sa n Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily runSixth Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with fourbullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather &Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.HONORABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.RUNNER UP Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and the tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.AND THE WINNER IS...Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfe ldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents