Night OutTired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife.Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dun in Texas"
A cowboy (named Julius?) rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another drink, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
"Auditor"
As a sales rep for a publisher of accounting reference materials, I was talking to a customer about a guide to assist with preparing for an audit. The way she described their organization led me to believe they might have an internal audit department. I asked, "Do you have an in-house auditor?"
"No," she answered. "We have an outhouse auditor."
It was almost three minutes before either of us could stop laughing and continue our conversation.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Break Request”
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
+++++++++++++++++++
What Rank?While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his."What rank are you?" I asked."I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major.""Relieved? Why?""Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."
+++++++++++++++++++
Organic Vegetables
The other day, it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were." "He didn't know what I was talking about, so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'" "And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Police News Headlines
- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers - Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted - Drunk gets nine months in violin case - Juvenile court to try shooting defendant - Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years - Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 - Stolen Painting Found By Tree - Judge To Rule On Nude Beach - Police Discover Crack In Australia - Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives - Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung - Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Vows
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Knock! Knock! Who's there?Ice cream!Ice cream who?Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water! Knock! Knock!Who's there?Ice cream soda!Ice cream soda who?ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME... Knock KnockWho's there?Ice cream!Ice cream who?Ice cream of Jeannie!
+++++++++++++++++++
Pauly, whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in many added
pounds and girth, asked his buddy Maury to accompany him to a car
dealership, where he was shown a Jeep by a car salesman.
When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the
typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?"
Pauly turns to Maury and asks, "What do you think?"
Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, Maury ventures, "A fork lift?"
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
hUMOR For Jne 13th
+++++++++++++++++++
Fixed Sign
A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair
some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested
area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of
a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one
crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across
the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's
been waiting to cross?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Chocolate Ice Cream
A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate." "In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he insists. Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'" The man spells, "V A N." "Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'" "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate." The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sarge & the new recruits
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge. A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities." The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"
+++++++++++++++++++
No Novacaine
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is a husband.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tip Top Shape
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Idiots In The Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm Tired!
Christmas was finally over and the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried." Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?Slippers! Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?He wanted to find Pluto! What happened when the wheel was invented?It caused a revolution!
+++++++++++++++++++
I Always Wondered About That
During a summer break from my studies at an engineering
university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction
equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer
that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of
the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating
the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one
of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and
asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I
heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on
the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said,
"that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in
winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I
always wondered about that," he said.
Fixed Sign
A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair
some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested
area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of
a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one
crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across
the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's
been waiting to cross?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Chocolate Ice Cream
A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate." "In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he insists. Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'" The man spells, "V A N." "Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'" "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate." The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sarge & the new recruits
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge. A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities." The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"
+++++++++++++++++++
No Novacaine
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is a husband.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tip Top Shape
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Idiots In The Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm Tired!
Christmas was finally over and the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried." Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?Slippers! Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?He wanted to find Pluto! What happened when the wheel was invented?It caused a revolution!
+++++++++++++++++++
I Always Wondered About That
During a summer break from my studies at an engineering
university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction
equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer
that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of
the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating
the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one
of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and
asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I
heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on
the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said,
"that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in
winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I
always wondered about that," he said.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
hUMOR For June 12th
MONEY IN THE CASKET
There was a man who worked hard all of his life, saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, a blonde, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money into the after life with me." In this manner he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.Finally, the old coot died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers closed the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a small, beautiful hand-carved wooden box with her, went over to the casket and put it in the casket next to her husband. Then the undertakers locked the casket rolled it away.Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to bury all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put his money in that casket with him.""You mean to tell me all of his money was in that box you put in the casket with him?""I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my checking account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend his money!"Send this to every clever blonde female you know.
+++++++++++++++++++
I Always Wondered About ThatI was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt. To free it, I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it."So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
Husband at Wal-Mart
This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her
local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of Polident and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away."
4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag
of M&M's on layaway.
5. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
7. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him,
he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just
leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
And last, but not least:
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart
+++++++++++++++++++
This guy decides he wants his dog to be able to dance, so he enrolls the pet
in dance classes. Dutifully, he takes this dog to
class every week, but he sees no improvement. Finally, he takes the
instructor aside and says, "I'm spending a fortune here. Why isn't my dog's
dancing improving?"
"I'm sorry," the instructor replies, "but there's not much I can do. Your
dog has two left feet."
+++++++++++++++++++
After getting a physical from my doctor, I asked, "Well Doc, how do I
stand?"
The doctor said, "That's what puzzles me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners." - Rita Mae
Brown
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: My little sister ate it! Bad timing for an excuseTeacher: Why were you late?Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.Teacher: It's three in the afternoon! An ideal homework excuseTeacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked
+++++++++++++++++++
Last will & testament of a farmer
I LEAVE: To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it. To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments. To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway. To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past. To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them. To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years. To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me. To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now. To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough. And lastly To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
There was a man who worked hard all of his life, saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, a blonde, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money into the after life with me." In this manner he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.Finally, the old coot died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers closed the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a small, beautiful hand-carved wooden box with her, went over to the casket and put it in the casket next to her husband. Then the undertakers locked the casket rolled it away.Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to bury all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put his money in that casket with him.""You mean to tell me all of his money was in that box you put in the casket with him?""I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my checking account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend his money!"Send this to every clever blonde female you know.
+++++++++++++++++++
I Always Wondered About ThatI was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt. To free it, I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it."So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
Husband at Wal-Mart
This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her
local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of Polident and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away."
4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag
of M&M's on layaway.
5. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
7. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him,
he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just
leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
And last, but not least:
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart
+++++++++++++++++++
This guy decides he wants his dog to be able to dance, so he enrolls the pet
in dance classes. Dutifully, he takes this dog to
class every week, but he sees no improvement. Finally, he takes the
instructor aside and says, "I'm spending a fortune here. Why isn't my dog's
dancing improving?"
"I'm sorry," the instructor replies, "but there's not much I can do. Your
dog has two left feet."
+++++++++++++++++++
After getting a physical from my doctor, I asked, "Well Doc, how do I
stand?"
The doctor said, "That's what puzzles me."
+++++++++++++++++++
"You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners." - Rita Mae
Brown
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: My little sister ate it! Bad timing for an excuseTeacher: Why were you late?Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.Teacher: It's three in the afternoon! An ideal homework excuseTeacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked
+++++++++++++++++++
Last will & testament of a farmer
I LEAVE: To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it. To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments. To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway. To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past. To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them. To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years. To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me. To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now. To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough. And lastly To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
Monday, June 11, 2007
hUMOR For June 11th
A Lawyer Named Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
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Life Lesson Laws for Engineers
Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so. Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm. Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables. Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service. Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted. Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable. Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction. Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0. Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete. Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. Law #11: Interchangeable parts won't. Law #12: Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5. Law #13: Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25. Law #14: Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department. Law #15: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible. Law #16: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded. Law #17: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. Law #18: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field. Law #19: If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor. Law #20: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice. Law #21: The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."
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Fixed Sign
A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair
some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested
area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of
a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one
crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across
the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's
been waiting to cross?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Chocolate Ice Cream
A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate." "In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he insists. Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'" The man spells, "V A N." "Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'" "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate." The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sarge & the new recruits
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge. A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities." The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"
+++++++++++++++++++
No Novacaine
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is a husband.
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Life Lesson Laws for Engineers
Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so. Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm. Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables. Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service. Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted. Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable. Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction. Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0. Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete. Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. Law #11: Interchangeable parts won't. Law #12: Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5. Law #13: Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25. Law #14: Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department. Law #15: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible. Law #16: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded. Law #17: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. Law #18: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field. Law #19: If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor. Law #20: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice. Law #21: The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."
+++++++++++++++++++
Fixed Sign
A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair
some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested
area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of
a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one
crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across
the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's
been waiting to cross?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Chocolate Ice Cream
A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate." "In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he insists. Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'" The man spells, "V A N." "Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'" "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate." The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sarge & the new recruits
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge. A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities." The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"
+++++++++++++++++++
No Novacaine
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is a husband.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
hUMOR For June 10th
Atheist HolidayU.S. court case sets new Atheist Holiday…
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, “Case Dismissed.”The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, “Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah... yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate, his own atheists' holiday!”The lawyer pompously said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?”The judge said, “Well it comes every year on exactly the same date... April 1st. Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider Psalm 14:1 and Psalm 53 which state, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday!”
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World Record ChallengeThings get ugly for Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb & Quasimodo...
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.”Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.”Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”So they all decided to go to the Guinness World Records office in London, England to have their claims verified.Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. “It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.”Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, “I am now officially the smallest person in the world.”Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, “Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?”
+++++++++++++++++++
Heart AttackNew hope for brain-dead people...
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.Sadly, he said, “I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”“Oh, Dear,” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. “We've never had a Democrat in the family before!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Folks' PerksHow to increase the heart rate of an aging husband...
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses? A: Their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?A: “I remember these.”
Perks of Being Over 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into theroom.13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weatherservice.17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember themeither.18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.19. You can't remember who sent you this list .20. You notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience...
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1907 to 2007: Century of ChangeWhat a difference a Century makes!
[The year is 1907 - one hundred years ago. Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1907...]The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14% of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births took place at home. 90% of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as “substandard.” Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents. California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”18% of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years to email someone...
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, “Case Dismissed.”The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, “Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah... yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate, his own atheists' holiday!”The lawyer pompously said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?”The judge said, “Well it comes every year on exactly the same date... April 1st. Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider Psalm 14:1 and Psalm 53 which state, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday!”
+++++++++++++++++++
World Record ChallengeThings get ugly for Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb & Quasimodo...
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.”Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.”Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”So they all decided to go to the Guinness World Records office in London, England to have their claims verified.Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. “It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.”Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, “I am now officially the smallest person in the world.”Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, “Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?”
+++++++++++++++++++
Heart AttackNew hope for brain-dead people...
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.Sadly, he said, “I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”“Oh, Dear,” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. “We've never had a Democrat in the family before!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Folks' PerksHow to increase the heart rate of an aging husband...
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses? A: Their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?A: “I remember these.”
Perks of Being Over 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into theroom.13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weatherservice.17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember themeither.18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.19. You can't remember who sent you this list .20. You notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience...
+++++++++++++++++++
1907 to 2007: Century of ChangeWhat a difference a Century makes!
[The year is 1907 - one hundred years ago. Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1907...]The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14% of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births took place at home. 90% of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as “substandard.” Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents. California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”18% of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years to email someone...
Saturday, June 09, 2007
hUMOR For June 9th
What Do You Call A Guy Who Has...Names that fit their situation... Aptonyms
Q: What do you call a guy who makes joe-ks all the time?A: Josh
Q: What do you call a guy who breaks dishes?A: Chip
Q: What do you call a guy who cleans fireplaces for a living?A: Cole
Q: What do you call a guy who is not crazy?A: Norm
Q: What do you call a guy who likes to read books?A: Red
Q: What do you call a guy who pretends to be blind and needs money?A: Con
Q: What do you call a guy who does well in the stock market?A: Rich
Q: What do you call a guy who like to ring doorbells?A: Buzz
Q: What do you call a guy who grows vegetables?A: Herb
Q: What do you call a guy who honks his car horn all the time?A: Blaire
Q: What do you call a guy who breaks into houses?A: Jimmy
Q: What do you call a guy who has a bullet-proof skull?A: Helmut
Q: What do you call a guy who works at the police station front desk?A: Booker
Q: What do you call a guy buried up to his neck with no arms and no legs?A: SpikeQ: What do you call a guy in a flower pot with no arms and no legs?A: PeteQ: What do you call a guy stuffed in a mailbox with no arms and no legs?A: BillQ: What do you call a guy in a meat grinder with no arms and no legs?A: ChuckQ: What do you call a guy in a pot of boiling water with no arms and no legs?A: StuQ: What do you call a guy on your wall with no arms and no legs?A: ArtQ: What do you call his arms and legs?A: Pieces of ArtQ: What do you call a guy water skiing with no arms and no legs?A: SkipQ: What do you call a guy who bows down before the king?A: NeilQ: What do you call a guy at your front door with no arms and no legs?A: MattQ: What do you call a guy who sticks his right arm into a lion's mouth?A: LeftyQ: What do you call a guy who likes to hike a lot?A: WalkerQ: What do you call a guy who is very sarcastic?A: KurtQ: What do you call a guy who has been struck by lightning?A: RodQ: What do you call two guys on your wall with no arms and no legs?A: Kurt and RodQ: What do you call a guy who has no arms and no legs but is a great swimmer?A: BobQ: What do you call a guy whose head is shaped like a flower?A: BudQ: What do you call a guy who makes diamond rings?A: JulesQ: What do you call a guy who votes things down all the time?A: VitoQ: What do you call a guy who makes loudspeakers?A: MikeQ: What do you call a guy who is a bullfighter?A: GordQ: What do you call a guy who was out all night on the grass?A: DeweyQ: What do you call a guy who is a cattle thief?A: RussellQ: What do you call a guy who is a cattle thief?A: RussellQ: What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves with no arms and no legs?A: RussellQ: What do you call a guy who likes to see sunrises?A: DonQ: What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?A: DrummerQ: What do you call a guy with a lighthouse on his head?A: Cliff, as in: “Hi, my name's Cliff - drop over some time!”Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and covered in fur?A: HarryQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can't say “Ah”?A: NoahQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who brings home the most bacon?A: MohammedQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, and is no hunchback?A: Humphrey.Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a wall?A: StudQ: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs tightly packed into a box?A: Phil.Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who uses all the space in his box?A: Max.Q: What do you call a guy who recently lost a lot of weight?A: Les.Q: What do you call a girl who is very conceited?A: Mimi
Q: What do you call a girl who fell off the top of a mountain?A: DotQ: What do you call a girl who likes to go to the beach?A: Sandi
Q: What do you call a girl who likes to eat all the time?A: Dinah
Q: What do you call a girl who likes to push around a little cart?A: Dolly
Q: What do you call a girl who like to play hide-and-go-seek?A: Heidi
Q: What do you call a girl who is always taking people to court?A: Sue
Q: What do you call a girl who likes a lot of butter on her bread?A: MargeQ: What do you call a girl who works in the Church steeple?A: BelleQ: What do you call a girl who is in charge of the water faucet?A: FloQ: What do you call a girl who complains a lot?A: MonaQ: What do you call a girl who likes to go sailing?A: GailQ: What do you call a girl who gambles all the times?A: BetteQ: What do you call a girl who has to be helped around a lot?A: CarrieQ: What do you call a girl with a big head?A: HeddyQ: What do you call a girl who dresses in the latest fashions?A: MaudeQ: What do you call a girl who stands behind the goal at soccer practice?A: AnnetteQ: What do you call a woman who has one leg shorter than the other?A: EileenQ: What do you call a woman with no arms, no legs on the wall?A: PegQ: What do you call a mechanic with a car on his head?A: JackQ: What do you call a plumber with a toilet on his head?A: LouQ: What do you call a female plumber with two toilets on her head?A: LuluQ: What do you call a worker with a shovel on his head?A: DougQ: What do you call a worker without a shovel on his head?A: DouglessQ: What do you call a worker called Richard with a road roller on his head?A: FlatrickQ: What do you call a dog with no legs in the middle of the road?A: SpotQ: What do you call a dog with no legs?A: It doesn't matter, it won't come
Q: What do you call a guy who makes joe-ks all the time?A: Josh
Q: What do you call a guy who breaks dishes?A: Chip
Q: What do you call a guy who cleans fireplaces for a living?A: Cole
Q: What do you call a guy who is not crazy?A: Norm
Q: What do you call a guy who likes to read books?A: Red
Q: What do you call a guy who pretends to be blind and needs money?A: Con
Q: What do you call a guy who does well in the stock market?A: Rich
Q: What do you call a guy who like to ring doorbells?A: Buzz
Q: What do you call a guy who grows vegetables?A: Herb
Q: What do you call a guy who honks his car horn all the time?A: Blaire
Q: What do you call a guy who breaks into houses?A: Jimmy
Q: What do you call a guy who has a bullet-proof skull?A: Helmut
Q: What do you call a guy who works at the police station front desk?A: Booker
Q: What do you call a guy buried up to his neck with no arms and no legs?A: SpikeQ: What do you call a guy in a flower pot with no arms and no legs?A: PeteQ: What do you call a guy stuffed in a mailbox with no arms and no legs?A: BillQ: What do you call a guy in a meat grinder with no arms and no legs?A: ChuckQ: What do you call a guy in a pot of boiling water with no arms and no legs?A: StuQ: What do you call a guy on your wall with no arms and no legs?A: ArtQ: What do you call his arms and legs?A: Pieces of ArtQ: What do you call a guy water skiing with no arms and no legs?A: SkipQ: What do you call a guy who bows down before the king?A: NeilQ: What do you call a guy at your front door with no arms and no legs?A: MattQ: What do you call a guy who sticks his right arm into a lion's mouth?A: LeftyQ: What do you call a guy who likes to hike a lot?A: WalkerQ: What do you call a guy who is very sarcastic?A: KurtQ: What do you call a guy who has been struck by lightning?A: RodQ: What do you call two guys on your wall with no arms and no legs?A: Kurt and RodQ: What do you call a guy who has no arms and no legs but is a great swimmer?A: BobQ: What do you call a guy whose head is shaped like a flower?A: BudQ: What do you call a guy who makes diamond rings?A: JulesQ: What do you call a guy who votes things down all the time?A: VitoQ: What do you call a guy who makes loudspeakers?A: MikeQ: What do you call a guy who is a bullfighter?A: GordQ: What do you call a guy who was out all night on the grass?A: DeweyQ: What do you call a guy who is a cattle thief?A: RussellQ: What do you call a guy who is a cattle thief?A: RussellQ: What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves with no arms and no legs?A: RussellQ: What do you call a guy who likes to see sunrises?A: DonQ: What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?A: DrummerQ: What do you call a guy with a lighthouse on his head?A: Cliff, as in: “Hi, my name's Cliff - drop over some time!”Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and covered in fur?A: HarryQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can't say “Ah”?A: NoahQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who brings home the most bacon?A: MohammedQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, and is no hunchback?A: Humphrey.Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a wall?A: StudQ: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs tightly packed into a box?A: Phil.Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who uses all the space in his box?A: Max.Q: What do you call a guy who recently lost a lot of weight?A: Les.Q: What do you call a girl who is very conceited?A: Mimi
Q: What do you call a girl who fell off the top of a mountain?A: DotQ: What do you call a girl who likes to go to the beach?A: Sandi
Q: What do you call a girl who likes to eat all the time?A: Dinah
Q: What do you call a girl who likes to push around a little cart?A: Dolly
Q: What do you call a girl who like to play hide-and-go-seek?A: Heidi
Q: What do you call a girl who is always taking people to court?A: Sue
Q: What do you call a girl who likes a lot of butter on her bread?A: MargeQ: What do you call a girl who works in the Church steeple?A: BelleQ: What do you call a girl who is in charge of the water faucet?A: FloQ: What do you call a girl who complains a lot?A: MonaQ: What do you call a girl who likes to go sailing?A: GailQ: What do you call a girl who gambles all the times?A: BetteQ: What do you call a girl who has to be helped around a lot?A: CarrieQ: What do you call a girl with a big head?A: HeddyQ: What do you call a girl who dresses in the latest fashions?A: MaudeQ: What do you call a girl who stands behind the goal at soccer practice?A: AnnetteQ: What do you call a woman who has one leg shorter than the other?A: EileenQ: What do you call a woman with no arms, no legs on the wall?A: PegQ: What do you call a mechanic with a car on his head?A: JackQ: What do you call a plumber with a toilet on his head?A: LouQ: What do you call a female plumber with two toilets on her head?A: LuluQ: What do you call a worker with a shovel on his head?A: DougQ: What do you call a worker without a shovel on his head?A: DouglessQ: What do you call a worker called Richard with a road roller on his head?A: FlatrickQ: What do you call a dog with no legs in the middle of the road?A: SpotQ: What do you call a dog with no legs?A: It doesn't matter, it won't come
Friday, June 08, 2007
hUMOR For June 8th
Fair Settlement
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. "Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you." "Fair to both?!?" exploded Mrs. LaMay. "I could have done that myself. What do you hired a lawyer for?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Will the real bride please stand up!
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they began arguing until the King called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
+++++++++++++++++++
Open the Can
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What trees do ghouls like best?Ceme-trees! Why did the cannibal have a hangover?He went to a party and got stewed! Why are graveyards so noisy?Because of all the coffin! Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?He wanted something to get his teeth into!
+++++++++++++++++++
Broken BoneWhile leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician."Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked."Yes," the girl replied."Did it hurt?""No.""Really? Which bone did you break?""My sister's arm."
+++++++++++++++++++
Punnies
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said,
dolefully.
"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without
debate.
"I won't let a stupid flat tire let me down," Steve said,
with despair.
"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.
"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna
remarked.
"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.
"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!"
Stew said, revolted.
"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said,
remorsefully.
"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Beatles Computer Song - Let It Be
When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me,Speaking words of wisdom:Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches,And bugs are all that I can see,Somewhere, someone whispers:Write in C. Write in C, write in C,Write in C, oh, write in C.LOGO's dead and buried,Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,For science it worked flawlessly.Try using it for graphics!Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,Debugging some assembly,Soon you will be glad toWrite in C. Write in C, Write in C,Write in C, yeah, Write in C.BASIC's not the answer.Write in C. Write in C, Write in CWrite in C, oh, Write in C.Pascal won't quite cut it.Write in C.
++++++++++++++++++
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. " The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
+++++++++++++++++++++
Devotion
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
++++++++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?Because he was dead! What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years old?A year older on his birthday! An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. "Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you." "Fair to both?!?" exploded Mrs. LaMay. "I could have done that myself. What do you hired a lawyer for?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Will the real bride please stand up!
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they began arguing until the King called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
+++++++++++++++++++
Open the Can
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What trees do ghouls like best?Ceme-trees! Why did the cannibal have a hangover?He went to a party and got stewed! Why are graveyards so noisy?Because of all the coffin! Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?He wanted something to get his teeth into!
+++++++++++++++++++
Broken BoneWhile leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician."Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked."Yes," the girl replied."Did it hurt?""No.""Really? Which bone did you break?""My sister's arm."
+++++++++++++++++++
Punnies
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said,
dolefully.
"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without
debate.
"I won't let a stupid flat tire let me down," Steve said,
with despair.
"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.
"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna
remarked.
"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.
"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!"
Stew said, revolted.
"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said,
remorsefully.
"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Beatles Computer Song - Let It Be
When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me,Speaking words of wisdom:Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches,And bugs are all that I can see,Somewhere, someone whispers:Write in C. Write in C, write in C,Write in C, oh, write in C.LOGO's dead and buried,Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,For science it worked flawlessly.Try using it for graphics!Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,Debugging some assembly,Soon you will be glad toWrite in C. Write in C, Write in C,Write in C, yeah, Write in C.BASIC's not the answer.Write in C. Write in C, Write in CWrite in C, oh, Write in C.Pascal won't quite cut it.Write in C.
++++++++++++++++++
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. " The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
+++++++++++++++++++++
Devotion
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
++++++++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?Because he was dead! What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years old?A year older on his birthday! An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
hUMOR For June 7th
Harold the Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold,
the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of
buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a
minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was
wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired,
"An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it
again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
+++++++++++++++++++
"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of
government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more likely to get
something done." - David Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Retail Experience
Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role. Rossi looks at Abe's resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before. Rossi says to Abe, "What chutzpah, if you don't mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." "Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."
+++++++++++++++++++
A conceited new rookie
A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going.
+++++++++++++++++++
He didn't kick too much
A few days ago my daughter, who is expecting her third child, was telling the other two children that this baby is kicking alot. She further explained that when she had the first one, Mikey, he didn't kick too much. Mikey gently said to his mother "Mom, do you know why I didn't kick you too much? Because I knew you were my Mommy". Out of the mouths of our sweet babes.
+++++++++++++++++++
Knock KnockWho's there?Brewster!Brewster who?Brewsters can wake you up in the morning singing cock-a-doodle doo! Knock KnockWho's there?Bridget!Bridget who?London Bridget, is falling down, falling down...! Knock KnockWho's there?Brie!Brie who?Brie me my supper!
+++++++++++++++++++
Skinny People!Skinny people irritate me. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
+++++++++++++++++++
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will
instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after
you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives
-- then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If
it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.
+++++++++++++++++++
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine,
I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I
could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
+++++++++++++++++++
DICTIONARY FOR PERSONAL ADS
40ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No boobs
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Voluptuous = Overweight
Free Spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = One night stand
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Wants Soul Mate = Stalker
+++++++++++++++++++
We've come so far that community service is considered punishment.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold,
the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of
buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a
minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was
wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired,
"An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it
again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
+++++++++++++++++++
"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of
government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more likely to get
something done." - David Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Retail Experience
Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role. Rossi looks at Abe's resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before. Rossi says to Abe, "What chutzpah, if you don't mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." "Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."
+++++++++++++++++++
A conceited new rookie
A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going.
+++++++++++++++++++
He didn't kick too much
A few days ago my daughter, who is expecting her third child, was telling the other two children that this baby is kicking alot. She further explained that when she had the first one, Mikey, he didn't kick too much. Mikey gently said to his mother "Mom, do you know why I didn't kick you too much? Because I knew you were my Mommy". Out of the mouths of our sweet babes.
+++++++++++++++++++
Knock KnockWho's there?Brewster!Brewster who?Brewsters can wake you up in the morning singing cock-a-doodle doo! Knock KnockWho's there?Bridget!Bridget who?London Bridget, is falling down, falling down...! Knock KnockWho's there?Brie!Brie who?Brie me my supper!
+++++++++++++++++++
Skinny People!Skinny people irritate me. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
+++++++++++++++++++
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will
instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after
you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives
-- then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If
it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.
+++++++++++++++++++
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine,
I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I
could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
+++++++++++++++++++
DICTIONARY FOR PERSONAL ADS
40ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No boobs
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Voluptuous = Overweight
Free Spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = One night stand
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Wants Soul Mate = Stalker
+++++++++++++++++++
We've come so far that community service is considered punishment.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
hUMOR For June 6th
SIGNS YOU'RE AT A STRANGE BAPTISM SERVICE
9. The Coast Guard is involved.
8. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
7. Pastor wears scuba gear.
6. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."
5. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River"
instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?"
4. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't
know about that drop-off!"
3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and
wrestles the preacher into submission.
1. Two words: Alka Seltzer
+++++++++++++++++++
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would
like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's
henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't
want money from a thief!"
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months
everybody gave.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right." -
Isaac Asimov
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie's Numbers
Mrs. Rath asked little Vernie if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "My dad taught me." "Good! Can you tell me what comes after three." "Four," answers little Vernie. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says Mrs. Rath. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says little Vernie.
+++++++++++++++++++
An engineer & a frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
+++++++++++++++++++
An engineer & a frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?The cat are her! How do ghosts keep fit?By regular exorcise! What did the cannibal make of her new friend?A hotpot!
For The Kids...
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?The cat are her! How do ghosts keep fit?By regular exorcise! What did the cannibal make of her new friend?A hotpot!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Service for One"
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."
9. The Coast Guard is involved.
8. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
7. Pastor wears scuba gear.
6. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."
5. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River"
instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?"
4. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't
know about that drop-off!"
3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and
wrestles the preacher into submission.
1. Two words: Alka Seltzer
+++++++++++++++++++
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would
like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's
henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't
want money from a thief!"
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months
everybody gave.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right." -
Isaac Asimov
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Vernie's Numbers
Mrs. Rath asked little Vernie if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "My dad taught me." "Good! Can you tell me what comes after three." "Four," answers little Vernie. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says Mrs. Rath. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says little Vernie.
+++++++++++++++++++
An engineer & a frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
+++++++++++++++++++
An engineer & a frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?The cat are her! How do ghosts keep fit?By regular exorcise! What did the cannibal make of her new friend?A hotpot!
For The Kids...
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?The cat are her! How do ghosts keep fit?By regular exorcise! What did the cannibal make of her new friend?A hotpot!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Service for One"
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
hUMOR For June 5th
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?" The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us." The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Parking
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tomatoes
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Brigham!Brigham who?Brigham back my sunshine back to me...! Knock KnockWho's there?Burns!Burns who?Durns me up!
+++++++++++++++++++
Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the clerk, "I'd like to
buy a pair of stockings for my wife."
The clerk asks, "Sheer?"
The man replies "No. She's in another store."
+++++++++++++++++++
Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the
boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:
"Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has
come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There is a male and a female
bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the
flowers, we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of
that.
Write soon,
Affectionately,
Father
+++++++++++++++++++
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
+++++++++++++++++++
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter I is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and
down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7 UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales--eeww!!!
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver
22 Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (now they tell me).
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles At that time,
the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece
of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail."
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?" The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us." The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Parking
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tomatoes
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Brigham!Brigham who?Brigham back my sunshine back to me...! Knock KnockWho's there?Burns!Burns who?Durns me up!
+++++++++++++++++++
Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the clerk, "I'd like to
buy a pair of stockings for my wife."
The clerk asks, "Sheer?"
The man replies "No. She's in another store."
+++++++++++++++++++
Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the
boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:
"Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has
come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There is a male and a female
bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the
flowers, we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of
that.
Write soon,
Affectionately,
Father
+++++++++++++++++++
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
+++++++++++++++++++
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter I is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and
down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7 UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales--eeww!!!
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver
22 Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (now they tell me).
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles At that time,
the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece
of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail."
Monday, June 04, 2007
hUMOR For June 4th
A Mommy Moment
Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?" "Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bears
Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would dissolve faster? A. The bear in Alaska because it's polar.
+++++++++++++++++++
Honor Thy Brother
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother seeing the opportunity for a moral lesson, said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either! Teacher: You copies from Fred's exam paper didn't you?Pupil: How did you know?Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"! What was Camelot famous for?It's knight life!
+++++++++++++++++++
When the guy at the door said, "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms," I just
assumed it was more supplies.
+++++++++++++++++++
Goodness, are we really THAT old?
Have a blessed day,
Vern
Dottie and Vern Allen
dwva1969@earthlink.net
* Evil triumphs when good men do nothing.
* A free lunch is only found in mousetraps.
This puts a whole new meaning on the term 'Old Geezer How old is Grandpa???. Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: ' television ' penicillin ' polio shots ' frozen foods ' Xerox ' contact lenses ' Frisbees and ' the pill There wereno: ' credit cards ' laser beams or ' ball-point pens Man had not invented: ' pantyhose ' air conditioners ' dishwashers ' clothes dryers ' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and ' man hadn't yet walked on the moon Your Grandmother and grandmother got married first, . . . and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends---not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards! You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day: ' "grass" was mowed, ' "coke" was a cold drink, ' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and ' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ' T>"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ' " chip" meant a piece of wood, ' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and ' "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am? I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. Are you ready ????? This man would be only 59 years old
Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?" "Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bears
Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would dissolve faster? A. The bear in Alaska because it's polar.
+++++++++++++++++++
Honor Thy Brother
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother seeing the opportunity for a moral lesson, said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either! Teacher: You copies from Fred's exam paper didn't you?Pupil: How did you know?Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"! What was Camelot famous for?It's knight life!
+++++++++++++++++++
When the guy at the door said, "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms," I just
assumed it was more supplies.
+++++++++++++++++++
Goodness, are we really THAT old?
Have a blessed day,
Vern
Dottie and Vern Allen
dwva1969@earthlink.net
* Evil triumphs when good men do nothing.
* A free lunch is only found in mousetraps.
This puts a whole new meaning on the term 'Old Geezer How old is Grandpa???. Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: ' television ' penicillin ' polio shots ' frozen foods ' Xerox ' contact lenses ' Frisbees and ' the pill There wereno: ' credit cards ' laser beams or ' ball-point pens Man had not invented: ' pantyhose ' air conditioners ' dishwashers ' clothes dryers ' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and ' man hadn't yet walked on the moon Your Grandmother and grandmother got married first, . . . and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends---not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards! You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day: ' "grass" was mowed, ' "coke" was a cold drink, ' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and ' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ' T>"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ' " chip" meant a piece of wood, ' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and ' "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am? I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. Are you ready ????? This man would be only 59 years old
Sunday, June 03, 2007
hUMOR For June 3rd
COLONOSCOPIES
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Erhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all... 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Start at the very beginning ...
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
+++++++++++++++++++
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. "Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black." "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A Deep Rooted Delusion
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Which vampire tried to eat James Bond?Ghouldfinger! Why are vampires always worn out in April?Because they've just finished a long March of 31 days! What happened to the lazy skeleton?He was bone idle!
+++++++++++++++++++
walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the
counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I
asked.
The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his
wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume
party."
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been
telling you for the last half hour that
I'll be ready in a minute!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
ball." - Jack Lemmon
+++++++++++++++++++
----------------------------------------------------------The ad that is inserted into this email is done automatically byYahooGroups as a condition of their free hosting the Good Clean Fun list.I have no control over any content of the advertisement.----------------------------------------------------------Found posted in a humor newsgroup (rec.humor.funny) -TomIf this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription toGood Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life.Just send an email to: mailto:good-clean-fun-subscribe%40yahoogroups.comor visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.kcbx.net/~tellswor/UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email.This email was scanned by F-Secure before it was sent.----------------------------------------------------------Note: This has been posted at the GCF web site since 1996 but it's a classic as far as I'm concerned so it deserves to be seen again.GCF: Hotel SoapThe following correspondence actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.Dear Maid,Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have bought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. BermanDear Room 635,I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as your requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid.Dear Maid,I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-sized Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are also placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, DottyDear Mr. Berman,The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this AM that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any further complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, HousekeeperDear Miss Carmen,It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6:00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,Your maid, Kathy has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8:00 AM and 5:00 PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, HousekeeperDear Mr. Kensedder,My bath-sized Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-sized Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant ManagerDear Ms. Carmen,Who in the world left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one bar of bath-sized Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen, HousekeeperDear Ms. Carmen,Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-sizeIvory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstanding. S. Berman
fcnxjpw
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Erhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all... 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Start at the very beginning ...
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
+++++++++++++++++++
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. "Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black." "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A Deep Rooted Delusion
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Which vampire tried to eat James Bond?Ghouldfinger! Why are vampires always worn out in April?Because they've just finished a long March of 31 days! What happened to the lazy skeleton?He was bone idle!
+++++++++++++++++++
walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the
counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I
asked.
The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his
wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume
party."
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been
telling you for the last half hour that
I'll be ready in a minute!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
ball." - Jack Lemmon
+++++++++++++++++++
----------------------------------------------------------The ad that is inserted into this email is done automatically byYahooGroups as a condition of their free hosting the Good Clean Fun list.I have no control over any content of the advertisement.----------------------------------------------------------Found posted in a humor newsgroup (rec.humor.funny) -TomIf this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription toGood Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life.Just send an email to: mailto:good-clean-fun-subscribe%40yahoogroups.comor visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.kcbx.net/~tellswor/UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email.This email was scanned by F-Secure before it was sent.----------------------------------------------------------Note: This has been posted at the GCF web site since 1996 but it's a classic as far as I'm concerned so it deserves to be seen again.GCF: Hotel SoapThe following correspondence actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.Dear Maid,Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have bought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. BermanDear Room 635,I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as your requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid.Dear Maid,I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-sized Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are also placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, DottyDear Mr. Berman,The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this AM that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any further complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, HousekeeperDear Miss Carmen,It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6:00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,Your maid, Kathy has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8:00 AM and 5:00 PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, HousekeeperDear Mr. Kensedder,My bath-sized Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-sized Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant ManagerDear Ms. Carmen,Who in the world left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one bar of bath-sized Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. BermanDear Mr. Berman,You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen, HousekeeperDear Ms. Carmen,Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-sizeIvory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstanding. S. Berman
fcnxjpw
Saturday, June 02, 2007
hUMOR For June 2nd
No E-Mail Address
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a
wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a
large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at
minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail
address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will
automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when
to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither
a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a
company like ours that means that you virtually do not
exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be
employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market
and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red
tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and
displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends
up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several
bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business
the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early
every day and working into the night. He multiplies his
profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport
several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is
up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons
have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the
tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his
daughter is taking night courses at the community college so
she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used
trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all
selling tomatoes.
He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet
of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises,
plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato
company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless
people to work. His daughter reports that the business
grossed over one million dollars. Planning for the future,
he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an
insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with
a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is
stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No
Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had
all of that five years ago!"
"Ha" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I
would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an
hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer
to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it
also.
+++++++++++++++++++
Can You Give Me A Push?A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk."Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??""No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?""But the guy was drunk," says the husband."It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him."So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
+++++++++++++++++++
Locked in the trunk
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Monday, December 7, 1992Joe Albert Ruiz, 19, was arrested in Santa Maria in September. Police said he had broken into a car in the middle of the night and was in the trunk, disconnecting the rear speakers, when the trunk closed and locked him in.Neighbors reported strange noises, and a police officer called to the scene heard Ruiz banging on the trunk and yelling, "Let me out!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Educational priority
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.January 12, 1993Rhett Jacobs, Democratic candidate for the South Carolina House and a man who listed "education" as his top priority, submitted a required campaign disclosure form in October, handwritten, on which he detailed expenses for "filling fee," "campain work" and "litature."
+++++++++++++++++++
Steal little things
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.February 17, 1993In July, a Jackson Center, Pa., woman reported that someone used a ladder to climb into the second story of her home and that all that was missing was $10 worth of diapers, despite the presence of jewelry and antiques in the same room.
+++++++++++++++++++
Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS " At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law." Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly" At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!" Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a
wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a
large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at
minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail
address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will
automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when
to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither
a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a
company like ours that means that you virtually do not
exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be
employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market
and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red
tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and
displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends
up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several
bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business
the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early
every day and working into the night. He multiplies his
profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport
several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is
up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons
have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the
tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his
daughter is taking night courses at the community college so
she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used
trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all
selling tomatoes.
He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet
of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises,
plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato
company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless
people to work. His daughter reports that the business
grossed over one million dollars. Planning for the future,
he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an
insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with
a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is
stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No
Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had
all of that five years ago!"
"Ha" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I
would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an
hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer
to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it
also.
+++++++++++++++++++
Can You Give Me A Push?A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk."Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??""No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?""But the guy was drunk," says the husband."It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him."So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
+++++++++++++++++++
Locked in the trunk
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Monday, December 7, 1992Joe Albert Ruiz, 19, was arrested in Santa Maria in September. Police said he had broken into a car in the middle of the night and was in the trunk, disconnecting the rear speakers, when the trunk closed and locked him in.Neighbors reported strange noises, and a police officer called to the scene heard Ruiz banging on the trunk and yelling, "Let me out!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Educational priority
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.January 12, 1993Rhett Jacobs, Democratic candidate for the South Carolina House and a man who listed "education" as his top priority, submitted a required campaign disclosure form in October, handwritten, on which he detailed expenses for "filling fee," "campain work" and "litature."
+++++++++++++++++++
Steal little things
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.February 17, 1993In July, a Jackson Center, Pa., woman reported that someone used a ladder to climb into the second story of her home and that all that was missing was $10 worth of diapers, despite the presence of jewelry and antiques in the same room.
+++++++++++++++++++
Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS " At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law." Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly" At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!" Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."
Friday, June 01, 2007
hUMOR For June 1st
Godly One Liners 1. Give God what's right -- not what's left. 2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope. 3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing. 4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone. 5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period. 6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period. 7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a faith-lift. 8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty. 9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church. 10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us. 11. The church is prayer-conditioned. 12. When God ordains, He sustains. 13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning. 14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. 15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position. 16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible. 17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord. 18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive. 19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it. 20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back. 21. He who angers you, controls you. 22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop. 23. Give Satan an inch, and he'll be a ruler. 24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them--He'll clean them.. 25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
+++++++++++++++++++
Berle Marriages
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy.
But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a
divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle
and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the
same woman all over again?
"Because," Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of
my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Personalized Plate"
While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O."
"I'm here," the woman standing next to me answered.
Curious, I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught kindergarten.
"Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a bad one."- Sid Caesar
+++++++++++++++++++
"Successful Marriage" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad GolferA golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees. Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro."What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro."I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Doctor's Order
A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less,
please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of
foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I
should drink Less."
+++++++++++++++++++
Berle Marriages
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy.
But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a
divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle
and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the
same woman all over again?
"Because," Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of
my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Personalized Plate"
While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O."
"I'm here," the woman standing next to me answered.
Curious, I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught kindergarten.
"Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a bad one."- Sid Caesar
+++++++++++++++++++
"Successful Marriage" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad GolferA golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees. Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro."What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro."I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Doctor's Order
A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less,
please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of
foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I
should drink Less."
Thursday, May 31, 2007
hUMOR For May 31st
Letter From Mom
When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
+++++++++++++++++++
Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn't sink?Cork! How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?Because it's round! How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?I forgot to wet the soap!
+++++++++++++++++++
Injured Employee
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears
bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I
accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?"
"They called back!"
+++++++++++++++++++
What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? An optimist.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Dog Minded”
A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.
"It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."
"Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."
The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."
+++++++++++++++++++
Hang on to any of the new 2006 West Virginia Quarters.
If you have them they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the West Virginia Quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or any other coin operated device. The problem lies in the unique design of the quarter, which was designed by a team of genuine Hillbillies. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the machines.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fixed Sign"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a goober, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lumber Need"
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
+++++++++++++++++++
Police RecruitA police recruit was asked during an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"He said, "Call for backup."
+++++++++++++++++++
I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening I worked
particularly hard on a new recipe, and once again it didn't turn out as
well as I'd hoped.
My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words carefully
after the meal. "Mom," he said, "that dinner was so good I thought someone
else made it."
+++++++++++++++++++
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The
Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed
boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the
captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach
him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't
swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"A new study found that sleep is essential to creativity. I'd just like to
say that we have the most creative audience in all of television!" - Craig
Kilborn
When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
+++++++++++++++++++
Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn't sink?Cork! How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?Because it's round! How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?I forgot to wet the soap!
+++++++++++++++++++
Injured Employee
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears
bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I
accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?"
"They called back!"
+++++++++++++++++++
What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? An optimist.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Dog Minded”
A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.
"It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."
"Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."
The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."
+++++++++++++++++++
Hang on to any of the new 2006 West Virginia Quarters.
If you have them they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the West Virginia Quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or any other coin operated device. The problem lies in the unique design of the quarter, which was designed by a team of genuine Hillbillies. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the machines.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fixed Sign"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a goober, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lumber Need"
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
+++++++++++++++++++
Police RecruitA police recruit was asked during an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"He said, "Call for backup."
+++++++++++++++++++
I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening I worked
particularly hard on a new recipe, and once again it didn't turn out as
well as I'd hoped.
My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words carefully
after the meal. "Mom," he said, "that dinner was so good I thought someone
else made it."
+++++++++++++++++++
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The
Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed
boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the
captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach
him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't
swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"A new study found that sleep is essential to creativity. I'd just like to
say that we have the most creative audience in all of television!" - Craig
Kilborn
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
hUMOR For May 30th
Rools four RightersIf yore a groan reader, this is 4U & Jethro...
1.. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2.. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3.. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4.. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5.. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.) 6.. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7.. Be more or less specific. 8.. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9.. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10.. No sentence fragments. 11.. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12.. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13.. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14.. One should NEVER generalize. 15.. Comparisons are as bad as clichés. 16.. Don't use no double negatives. 17.. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20.. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21.. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22.. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23.. Kill all exclamation points!!! 24.. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25.. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas. 26.. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” 28.. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29.. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32.. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally... 34.. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
+++++++++++++++++++
Church SquirrelsHow to deal with pesky squirrels...
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
+++++++++++++++++++
Robbie's MoveUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move."It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Gas Men
Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter. Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man. They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong. As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
+++++++++++++++++++
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
1.. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2.. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3.. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4.. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5.. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.) 6.. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7.. Be more or less specific. 8.. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9.. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10.. No sentence fragments. 11.. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12.. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13.. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14.. One should NEVER generalize. 15.. Comparisons are as bad as clichés. 16.. Don't use no double negatives. 17.. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20.. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21.. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22.. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23.. Kill all exclamation points!!! 24.. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25.. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas. 26.. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” 28.. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29.. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32.. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally... 34.. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
+++++++++++++++++++
Church SquirrelsHow to deal with pesky squirrels...
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
+++++++++++++++++++
Robbie's MoveUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move."It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Gas Men
Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter. Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man. They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong. As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
+++++++++++++++++++
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
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