ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't pick your nose when you're finger painting.
+++++++++++++++++++
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question."What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
+++++++++++++++++++
My Cousin Vinnie
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only relative, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Cousin Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Cousin Alfonso
A few days later he received a letter from his Cousin Vinnie.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
+++++++++++++++++++
"Funeral Weather"
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Proper Attire"
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:
"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
+++++++++++++++++++
Young WriterA 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story."What's it about?" he asked."I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Berle Marriages”
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?
"Because" Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Very Dirty Little Fellow
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did Noah do for a job? He was an arkitecht! What's that fly doing in my gravy?Looks like the breast stroke! Teacher: When do astronauts eat?Pupil: At launch time! Father: You were absent on the day of the test?Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
Monday, May 14, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
hUMOR For May 13th
Over 60?
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done, you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: "I remember these."
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Requires Teamwork!A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
+++++++++++++++++++
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
My husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically
Telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
Toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece! Of toilet paper and stand
in
Front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
Between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even
walk
Again although he will probably continue to take his meals through A
straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class
memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm
23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get
past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled
to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was
very nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and
said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I
need to know."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Stone's Throw
A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
+++++++++++++++++++
Toronto
A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. "Master, you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you." The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title." The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.
+++++++++++++++++++
Deep Thoughts
- Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? - Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? - Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? - Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? - Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? - How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures? - Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath? - Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? - When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'It's all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?' - Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? - Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? Little Johnny: You said it was my lunch money.
+++++++++++++++++++
Have you ever had a resume rejected? Don't ever let it happen again. The
next time that nasty old rejection letter comes your way, respond with your
own:
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date]. After careful consideration I regret to
inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment
with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an
unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and
promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.
Despite [company name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my
needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm
beginning on [Date]. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done, you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: "I remember these."
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Requires Teamwork!A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
+++++++++++++++++++
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
My husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically
Telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
Toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece! Of toilet paper and stand
in
Front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
Between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even
walk
Again although he will probably continue to take his meals through A
straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class
memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm
23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get
past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled
to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was
very nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and
said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I
need to know."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Stone's Throw
A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
+++++++++++++++++++
Toronto
A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. "Master, you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you." The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title." The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.
+++++++++++++++++++
Deep Thoughts
- Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? - Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? - Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? - Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? - Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? - How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures? - Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath? - Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? - When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'It's all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?' - Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? - Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? Little Johnny: You said it was my lunch money.
+++++++++++++++++++
Have you ever had a resume rejected? Don't ever let it happen again. The
next time that nasty old rejection letter comes your way, respond with your
own:
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date]. After careful consideration I regret to
inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment
with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an
unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and
promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.
Despite [company name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my
needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm
beginning on [Date]. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
Saturday, May 12, 2007
hUMOR For May 12th
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North
Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard
cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of
new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much
worried where they buried someone because everyone was a
neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed
to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with
their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those
people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Whenever a woman asks, "Does this dress make my butt look big?" I always try
to reassure them by saying, "No. It's your butt that makes the dress look
big."
+++++++++++++++++++
A young mother was riding the bus with her four-year-old boy
when he suddenly blurted out so that everyone in the bus
could hear: "Look, Mom, see that man's nose? It looks soooo
funny!"
The mother was quite embarrassed and scolded her son. Then
she whispered to him that if he wanted to say something
about someone, then he had to wait until they got home or at
least where nobody could hear them, so that nobody would be
sad.
A moment later, the boy blurted out in the same loud voice:
"Look, Mom, we've got to talk about that big fat lady when
we get home!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Suspicious Delivery"
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"It is good to be a Christian and know it, but it is better to be a Christian and show it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Self Confidence" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
J. Paul Getty was one of the wealthy men who frequently came to watch Jack Dempsey train. Himself a keen amateur boxer, he asked to be allowed to spar for a round with the champion.
Getty put up quite a creditable performance until he made the mistake of saying, "Hit me a little harder, Jack."
Dempsey knocked him out.
+++++++++++++++++++
What Took You So Long?The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car."What took you so long, son?" he asked."The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even.""How?""I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o'clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and
says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a
psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "Well, the light was on."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Norwegian and a Canoe
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
+++++++++++++++++++
Missing Homework
After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I'd heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note: "Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night."
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Sale
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car." "Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Where are most fish found? Between the head and the tail! What kind of fish will help you hear better?A herring aid! What do fish sing to each other?Salmon-chanted evening! How does an octopus go to war?Well-armed! Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?On squid row!
Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard
cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of
new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much
worried where they buried someone because everyone was a
neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed
to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with
their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those
people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Whenever a woman asks, "Does this dress make my butt look big?" I always try
to reassure them by saying, "No. It's your butt that makes the dress look
big."
+++++++++++++++++++
A young mother was riding the bus with her four-year-old boy
when he suddenly blurted out so that everyone in the bus
could hear: "Look, Mom, see that man's nose? It looks soooo
funny!"
The mother was quite embarrassed and scolded her son. Then
she whispered to him that if he wanted to say something
about someone, then he had to wait until they got home or at
least where nobody could hear them, so that nobody would be
sad.
A moment later, the boy blurted out in the same loud voice:
"Look, Mom, we've got to talk about that big fat lady when
we get home!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Suspicious Delivery"
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"It is good to be a Christian and know it, but it is better to be a Christian and show it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Self Confidence" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
J. Paul Getty was one of the wealthy men who frequently came to watch Jack Dempsey train. Himself a keen amateur boxer, he asked to be allowed to spar for a round with the champion.
Getty put up quite a creditable performance until he made the mistake of saying, "Hit me a little harder, Jack."
Dempsey knocked him out.
+++++++++++++++++++
What Took You So Long?The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car."What took you so long, son?" he asked."The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even.""How?""I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o'clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and
says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a
psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "Well, the light was on."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Norwegian and a Canoe
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
+++++++++++++++++++
Missing Homework
After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I'd heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note: "Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night."
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Sale
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car." "Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Where are most fish found? Between the head and the tail! What kind of fish will help you hear better?A herring aid! What do fish sing to each other?Salmon-chanted evening! How does an octopus go to war?Well-armed! Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?On squid row!
Friday, May 11, 2007
hUMOR For May 11th
My Cousin Vinnie
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only relative, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Cousin Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Cousin Alfonso
A few days later he received a letter from his Cousin Vinnie.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
+++++++++++++++++++
"Funeral Weather"
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Proper Attire"
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:
"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
+++++++++++++++++++
Young WriterA 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story."What's it about?" he asked."I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Berle Marriages”
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?
"Because" Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Very Dirty Little Fellow
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did Noah do for a job? He was an arkitecht! What's that fly doing in my gravy?Looks like the breast stroke! Teacher: When do astronauts eat?Pupil: At launch time! Father: You were absent on the day of the test?Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
+++++++++++++++++++
New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly
like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger. If it
was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the
bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jackass.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge jackass.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier. By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,
plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup
on aisle nine.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt and it
translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting.
What's next, competitive flatulence? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't care in the first place.
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only relative, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Cousin Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Cousin Alfonso
A few days later he received a letter from his Cousin Vinnie.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
+++++++++++++++++++
"Funeral Weather"
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Proper Attire"
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:
"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
+++++++++++++++++++
Young WriterA 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story."What's it about?" he asked."I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Berle Marriages”
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?
"Because" Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Very Dirty Little Fellow
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did Noah do for a job? He was an arkitecht! What's that fly doing in my gravy?Looks like the breast stroke! Teacher: When do astronauts eat?Pupil: At launch time! Father: You were absent on the day of the test?Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
+++++++++++++++++++
New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly
like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger. If it
was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the
bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jackass.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge jackass.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier. By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,
plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup
on aisle nine.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt and it
translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting.
What's next, competitive flatulence? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't care in the first place.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
hUMOR For May 10th
"Hunting Pairs"
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Joey?" the others asked.
"Joe fell and broke his ankle. He's 5 miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Four years ago today, President Bush gave his Iraq victory speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Well, I'm glad that's all behind us." --David Letterman "Here's the latest scandal in Washington: ... They say on '20/20' this week, the D.C. madam ... is going to list the names of famous Republicans who used her female escort service. ... That shows you the fundamental philosophical differences between the two parties. Bush Republicans believe in having the private sector provide sex for profit. Whereas, Clinton Democrats believe it should be a big give-away program." --Jay Leno "Four years ago, the president stood on the deck of an aircraft carrier and announced 'Mission Accomplished.' Two years later, the president appointed one of the main architects of that mission, Paul Wolfowitz, to head the World Bank. Because when someone has been completely wrong about everything, you gotta put him where he can't do any harm, like in charge of the world's poor." --Jon Stewart "We deported over 250,000 illegal immigrants from this country last year. And today at the rally, they said they're all glad to be back." --Jay Leno "Politicians having sex with prostitutes? What's the matter? All of a sudden, congressional pages aren't good enough anymore?" --David Letterman "The former first lady of New Jersey and soon to be ex-wife of gay former Governor Jim McGreevey was on 'Oprah' today. She wrote a book that claims even though she was married to the guy for almost four years, she never knew Jim McGreevey was gay. She just thought he had really bad aim" --Jimmy Kimmel "That's what makes this country great. The fact that thousands of Mexican people march in a state with an Austrian governor waving American flags made in China." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Behind Schedule
The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes. 9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off white. 8. Crying can be fun. 7. Fat clothes. 6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. 5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience. 4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible. 2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes. 1. Other women!
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you! Why do vampires do well at school?Because everytime they are asked a question they come up with a biting reply! How do ghosts like their eggs cooked?Terri-fried! What do you call a skeleton who acts in Westerns?Skint Eastwood!
+++++++++++++++++++
Never drop your Winchester to hug a grizzly.
+++++++++++++++++++
Where Is God ?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessivelymischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
Source: GCF
+++++++++++++++++++
Locked Out
One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy."
+++++++++++++++++++
Classmates?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "In 1952." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Joey?" the others asked.
"Joe fell and broke his ankle. He's 5 miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Four years ago today, President Bush gave his Iraq victory speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Well, I'm glad that's all behind us." --David Letterman "Here's the latest scandal in Washington: ... They say on '20/20' this week, the D.C. madam ... is going to list the names of famous Republicans who used her female escort service. ... That shows you the fundamental philosophical differences between the two parties. Bush Republicans believe in having the private sector provide sex for profit. Whereas, Clinton Democrats believe it should be a big give-away program." --Jay Leno "Four years ago, the president stood on the deck of an aircraft carrier and announced 'Mission Accomplished.' Two years later, the president appointed one of the main architects of that mission, Paul Wolfowitz, to head the World Bank. Because when someone has been completely wrong about everything, you gotta put him where he can't do any harm, like in charge of the world's poor." --Jon Stewart "We deported over 250,000 illegal immigrants from this country last year. And today at the rally, they said they're all glad to be back." --Jay Leno "Politicians having sex with prostitutes? What's the matter? All of a sudden, congressional pages aren't good enough anymore?" --David Letterman "The former first lady of New Jersey and soon to be ex-wife of gay former Governor Jim McGreevey was on 'Oprah' today. She wrote a book that claims even though she was married to the guy for almost four years, she never knew Jim McGreevey was gay. She just thought he had really bad aim" --Jimmy Kimmel "That's what makes this country great. The fact that thousands of Mexican people march in a state with an Austrian governor waving American flags made in China." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Behind Schedule
The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes. 9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off white. 8. Crying can be fun. 7. Fat clothes. 6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. 5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience. 4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible. 2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes. 1. Other women!
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you! Why do vampires do well at school?Because everytime they are asked a question they come up with a biting reply! How do ghosts like their eggs cooked?Terri-fried! What do you call a skeleton who acts in Westerns?Skint Eastwood!
+++++++++++++++++++
Never drop your Winchester to hug a grizzly.
+++++++++++++++++++
Where Is God ?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessivelymischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
Source: GCF
+++++++++++++++++++
Locked Out
One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy."
+++++++++++++++++++
Classmates?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "In 1952." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
hUMOR For May 9th
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming. (I knew that was a male before I got to the name!)
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, Age 8
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck
hit her.
-- Ricky, age 10
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously. Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tidy Housekeeper?
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Piranha
While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One dollar." answered little Johnny "You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
+++++++++++++++++++
The pastor stood before the congregation and said "I have bad news, I have
good news, and I have more bad news."
The congregation got quiet.
"The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!" the pastor said.
The congregation groaned.
"The good news is: we have enough money for the new roof."
A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the gathered group.
"The bad new is: it's still in your pockets"
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a parish that had a notorious reputation for spitting out their
pastors. Every three years, the council would review their satisfaction with
the current pastor, and invariably ask for his or her resignation. Pastor
Smith was on pins and needles as the council meeting marking his third
anniversary drew near. He knew the Church's anti-clerical tradition, and he
began to prepare for the worst. He was in consultation with his bishop over
other call possibilities, should he have to make a change. He even
contemplated leaving the pastorate.
The night of that dreaded council meeting, the lay president said,"Well,
Pastor Smith, as you probably know, we have to ask you to step outside,
while we discuss some concerns among ourselves." With his heart palpitating,
Pastor Smith waited for what seemed like forever.
Finally, the president invited him back in and to have a seat. "Pastor
Smith, we've reviewed the past three years, and the council has unanimously
voted to renew your term as our pastor."
"That's wonderful!" cried a relieved Pastor Smith. "But tell me, that' a
first here for many, many years. How did you come about to that decision?"
"Well," replied the lay president, "if it were up to us, we wouldn't have
pastors at all. But as long as the Church says we have to have one, we
figured you're the closest thing we'll ever get to not having a pastor."
+++++++++++++++++++
"If houseplants ever take over the world, I'm probably going to be sitting
in shackles at their version of the Nuremberg trials." - Tim H. Richweis
(written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming. (I knew that was a male before I got to the name!)
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, Age 8
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck
hit her.
-- Ricky, age 10
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously. Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tidy Housekeeper?
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Piranha
While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One dollar." answered little Johnny "You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
+++++++++++++++++++
The pastor stood before the congregation and said "I have bad news, I have
good news, and I have more bad news."
The congregation got quiet.
"The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!" the pastor said.
The congregation groaned.
"The good news is: we have enough money for the new roof."
A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the gathered group.
"The bad new is: it's still in your pockets"
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a parish that had a notorious reputation for spitting out their
pastors. Every three years, the council would review their satisfaction with
the current pastor, and invariably ask for his or her resignation. Pastor
Smith was on pins and needles as the council meeting marking his third
anniversary drew near. He knew the Church's anti-clerical tradition, and he
began to prepare for the worst. He was in consultation with his bishop over
other call possibilities, should he have to make a change. He even
contemplated leaving the pastorate.
The night of that dreaded council meeting, the lay president said,"Well,
Pastor Smith, as you probably know, we have to ask you to step outside,
while we discuss some concerns among ourselves." With his heart palpitating,
Pastor Smith waited for what seemed like forever.
Finally, the president invited him back in and to have a seat. "Pastor
Smith, we've reviewed the past three years, and the council has unanimously
voted to renew your term as our pastor."
"That's wonderful!" cried a relieved Pastor Smith. "But tell me, that' a
first here for many, many years. How did you come about to that decision?"
"Well," replied the lay president, "if it were up to us, we wouldn't have
pastors at all. But as long as the Church says we have to have one, we
figured you're the closest thing we'll ever get to not having a pastor."
+++++++++++++++++++
"If houseplants ever take over the world, I'm probably going to be sitting
in shackles at their version of the Nuremberg trials." - Tim H. Richweis
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
hUMOR For May 8th
At the MoviesWhile watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Clean Your HouseRecycling housework mouse be better than working for a living...
1. Open a new file in your PC.2. Name it “Housework”.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Click on “Empty the Recycle Bin”.5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?”6. Calmly answer, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly...7. Feel better? Works for me!
+++++++++++++++++++
Pastor’s New TeethBiting sermon from the pulpit…Putting your best gum forward!
The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:“The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."
+++++++++++++++++++
Not Me Your Honor
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge. After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling." "Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not." Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?" The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Price of Oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a quarter," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Fifteen cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth?Because it's tied! Who was the Black Prince?The son of Old King Cole! Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything?No, what about him?Now he's trying to invent something to hold it in! Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit?So he could tell the time at night! Where do snowmen go to dance?A snowball!
+++++++++++++++++++
Students at a school were asked to write about the harmful
effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year-old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines
last night, it was full of oil and all the sardines were
dead."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his morning briefing. He tells the
President that among other violence around the world, three Brazilian
soldiers were killed.
The President says, "Oh my! That's horrible."
The staff in the office is somewhat taken aback at the President's atypical
expression of emotion as they watch him put his head in his hands.
The President, visibly shaken, asks, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Gomer got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his
supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Gomer separated the
letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by
this, the supervisor approached Gomer at the end of his first day.
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with
the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, sir" said Gomer, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even a
better Job."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
any better than you did today?"
Gomer replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."
+++++++++++++++++++
Money talks. Mine says, "I'm leaving."
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Clean Your HouseRecycling housework mouse be better than working for a living...
1. Open a new file in your PC.2. Name it “Housework”.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Click on “Empty the Recycle Bin”.5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?”6. Calmly answer, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly...7. Feel better? Works for me!
+++++++++++++++++++
Pastor’s New TeethBiting sermon from the pulpit…Putting your best gum forward!
The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:“The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."
+++++++++++++++++++
Not Me Your Honor
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge. After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling." "Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not." Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?" The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Price of Oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a quarter," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Fifteen cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth?Because it's tied! Who was the Black Prince?The son of Old King Cole! Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything?No, what about him?Now he's trying to invent something to hold it in! Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit?So he could tell the time at night! Where do snowmen go to dance?A snowball!
+++++++++++++++++++
Students at a school were asked to write about the harmful
effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year-old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines
last night, it was full of oil and all the sardines were
dead."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his morning briefing. He tells the
President that among other violence around the world, three Brazilian
soldiers were killed.
The President says, "Oh my! That's horrible."
The staff in the office is somewhat taken aback at the President's atypical
expression of emotion as they watch him put his head in his hands.
The President, visibly shaken, asks, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Gomer got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his
supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Gomer separated the
letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by
this, the supervisor approached Gomer at the end of his first day.
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with
the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, sir" said Gomer, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even a
better Job."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
any better than you did today?"
Gomer replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."
+++++++++++++++++++
Money talks. Mine says, "I'm leaving."
Monday, May 07, 2007
hUMOR For May 7th
BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT "SLEEPING" AT YOUR DESK5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Haircut"
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and sunburn, you're still better off than the worm."
+++++++++++++++++++
"God's Power" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.
As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."
+++++++++++++++++++
Conducting A Music Class
A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole band, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie." "If you don't mind, ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank her for two pies?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen
off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you
rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't
approve."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled
to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be
upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your
father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find
him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever
you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
+++++++++++++++++++
HUSBANDS GOING SHOPPING???
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he
go with her to Walmart.
He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and
get out, but Mrs. Fenton
loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of
you from our stores. We
have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was
shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people's carts when
they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in house-
wares... and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks, 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as
a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows
where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible"
theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal
position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Haircut"
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and sunburn, you're still better off than the worm."
+++++++++++++++++++
"God's Power" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.
As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."
+++++++++++++++++++
Conducting A Music Class
A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole band, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie." "If you don't mind, ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank her for two pies?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen
off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you
rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't
approve."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled
to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be
upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your
father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find
him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever
you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
+++++++++++++++++++
HUSBANDS GOING SHOPPING???
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he
go with her to Walmart.
He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and
get out, but Mrs. Fenton
loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of
you from our stores. We
have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was
shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people's carts when
they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in house-
wares... and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks, 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as
a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows
where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible"
theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal
position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!"
Sunday, May 06, 2007
hUMOR For May 6th
Four-Letter Surgery
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Reasons to Leave Work
1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances. 2. Came dressed in only a towel...again. 3. Ran out of paper clips. 4. I've decided to telecommute. 5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House. 6. It's a long drive home to Texas. 7. One-day sale at Macy's. 8. My brain is melting! 9. I think they found me out... 10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Old Men
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now. "I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man. "Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'." Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?" "Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age'!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why did the burglar take a shower?He wanted to make a clean getaway! What kind of fish can't swim?Dead ones! How do Welsh people eat cheese?Caerphilly! Why do polar bears have fur coats?Because they would look silly in anoraks!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Photo Apology"
Photographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken.
"You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took your picture, I was ten years younger."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Personally I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught." - Winston Churchill
+++++++++++++++++++
"Faithfulness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "Oh, Really? WERE you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter
approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her
boots. "Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get
them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."
+++++++++++++++++++
Southern Hospitality
A very gentle southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in
Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young
man fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please sir, don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
Grasping for any opportunity, she cried, "Think of your job, the work still
to be done."
"I was fired today and have no prospect of another job."
Running out of ideas, she appealed to his patriotism and said, "Well, think
of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart sugar, just go ahead and jump."
+++++++++++++++++++
"If you ever find yourself being ripped apart by a pack of wolves, try not
to scream. Everybody knows wolves can smell fear." - Sean Alex
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Reasons to Leave Work
1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances. 2. Came dressed in only a towel...again. 3. Ran out of paper clips. 4. I've decided to telecommute. 5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House. 6. It's a long drive home to Texas. 7. One-day sale at Macy's. 8. My brain is melting! 9. I think they found me out... 10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Old Men
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now. "I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man. "Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'." Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?" "Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age'!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why did the burglar take a shower?He wanted to make a clean getaway! What kind of fish can't swim?Dead ones! How do Welsh people eat cheese?Caerphilly! Why do polar bears have fur coats?Because they would look silly in anoraks!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Photo Apology"
Photographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken.
"You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took your picture, I was ten years younger."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Personally I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught." - Winston Churchill
+++++++++++++++++++
"Faithfulness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "Oh, Really? WERE you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter
approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her
boots. "Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get
them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."
+++++++++++++++++++
Southern Hospitality
A very gentle southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in
Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young
man fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please sir, don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
Grasping for any opportunity, she cried, "Think of your job, the work still
to be done."
"I was fired today and have no prospect of another job."
Running out of ideas, she appealed to his patriotism and said, "Well, think
of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart sugar, just go ahead and jump."
+++++++++++++++++++
"If you ever find yourself being ripped apart by a pack of wolves, try not
to scream. Everybody knows wolves can smell fear." - Sean Alex
Saturday, May 05, 2007
hUMOR For May 5th
Doctor's OrderA guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please.""Less? Never heard of it.""C'mon, sure you have.""No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?""I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."
+++++++++++++++++++
95th Birthday"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!""Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Maserati
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down. Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed. I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?" There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
+++++++++++++++++++
Impressions
A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks." When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Impressions
A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks." When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a skeleton snake? A rattler! What happened to the vampire who swallowed sheep?He felt baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! Who is the most important member of the ghost's soccer team?The ghoulie! What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish?It came back with a skeleton crew!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty,"
pleaded an anxious-looking man.
"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.
"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a
few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I
want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last
chance to repay him."
"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on
the jury who can lie like that."
+++++++++++++++++++
May the fourth be with you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Not Feeling WellA man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
+++++++++++++++++++
95th Birthday"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!""Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Maserati
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down. Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed. I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?" There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
+++++++++++++++++++
Impressions
A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks." When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Impressions
A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks." When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a skeleton snake? A rattler! What happened to the vampire who swallowed sheep?He felt baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! Who is the most important member of the ghost's soccer team?The ghoulie! What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish?It came back with a skeleton crew!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty,"
pleaded an anxious-looking man.
"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.
"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a
few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I
want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last
chance to repay him."
"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on
the jury who can lie like that."
+++++++++++++++++++
May the fourth be with you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Not Feeling WellA man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Friday, May 04, 2007
hUMOR For May 4th
Grandma ComparisonChase was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?""You're both old," he replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
Testing for Development-Archetypes
Nobody can deny that the goal of software development is to produce the highest quality product possible. The only way to ensure that quality is through extensive testing. Therefore, the following testing programs will be implemented as additions to the regularly scheduled regression testing: Aggression Testing: Punching all developers with an open bug. Confession Testing: All developers must admit what they either cannot do or have blown off. Digression Testing: Developers and analysts must change the subject and ramble when the topic of bugs comes up. Repression Testing: All developers must tell everyone who they secretly want to kill. Oppression Testing: All developers will be required to work 24 hours a day until all bugs are fixed. Depression Testing: All developers must explain which bugs make them sad, and why. Succession Testing: Developers must be able to name the chain of command in the event that a PM dies. Hessian Testing: QA will be redone by German mercenaries. Joe Pescian Testing: All functions to be tested by a hot-headed Mafioso. Please see your PM to get your testing schedule.
+++++++++++++++++++
Pep Talk
The sales manager was wrapping up her pep talk to new staff members. "Just remember this," she said. "Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not."
+++++++++++++++++++
Card Game
Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years. Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all." "Memory school? What memory school?" Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower . . . " "A rose?" asked Red. "Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What does a witch turn when the lights go out?The dark! What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?To keep their hats pointed! What is evil and ugly, puts spells on people and is made of leaves?A witch (The leaves were just a plant)! Where does a general keep his armies?Up his sleevies!
+++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of
the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed, and
left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail
so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the
class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all
wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think
I'd throw up."
+++++++++++++++++++
A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers? "
Bartender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" bar
tender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before
that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your
beak shut!"
Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?"
bartender says no.
Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't you think we should have a way of telling people they have bad breath
without hurting their feelings?
Perhaps we could use phrases like, "Well I'm bored. Let's go brush our
teeth!" Or, "I've got to go make a phone call, would you hold this gum in
your mouth?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your
bare hands and then eat just one piece.
+++++++++++++++++++
Father/Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of "the redistribution of wealth."
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said, "Welcome to the Republican party."
+++++++++++++++++++
Testing for Development-Archetypes
Nobody can deny that the goal of software development is to produce the highest quality product possible. The only way to ensure that quality is through extensive testing. Therefore, the following testing programs will be implemented as additions to the regularly scheduled regression testing: Aggression Testing: Punching all developers with an open bug. Confession Testing: All developers must admit what they either cannot do or have blown off. Digression Testing: Developers and analysts must change the subject and ramble when the topic of bugs comes up. Repression Testing: All developers must tell everyone who they secretly want to kill. Oppression Testing: All developers will be required to work 24 hours a day until all bugs are fixed. Depression Testing: All developers must explain which bugs make them sad, and why. Succession Testing: Developers must be able to name the chain of command in the event that a PM dies. Hessian Testing: QA will be redone by German mercenaries. Joe Pescian Testing: All functions to be tested by a hot-headed Mafioso. Please see your PM to get your testing schedule.
+++++++++++++++++++
Pep Talk
The sales manager was wrapping up her pep talk to new staff members. "Just remember this," she said. "Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not."
+++++++++++++++++++
Card Game
Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years. Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all." "Memory school? What memory school?" Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower . . . " "A rose?" asked Red. "Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What does a witch turn when the lights go out?The dark! What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?To keep their hats pointed! What is evil and ugly, puts spells on people and is made of leaves?A witch (The leaves were just a plant)! Where does a general keep his armies?Up his sleevies!
+++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of
the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed, and
left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail
so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the
class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all
wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think
I'd throw up."
+++++++++++++++++++
A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers? "
Bartender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" bar
tender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before
that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your
beak shut!"
Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?"
bartender says no.
Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't you think we should have a way of telling people they have bad breath
without hurting their feelings?
Perhaps we could use phrases like, "Well I'm bored. Let's go brush our
teeth!" Or, "I've got to go make a phone call, would you hold this gum in
your mouth?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your
bare hands and then eat just one piece.
+++++++++++++++++++
Father/Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of "the redistribution of wealth."
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said, "Welcome to the Republican party."
Thursday, May 03, 2007
hUMOR For May 3rd
The Ant and the Grasshopper
OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself! ************************************************************
MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.
+++++++++++++++++++
"I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage -- no matter how ugly and
disgusting it gets." - Major Frank Burns, M*A*S*H
+++++++++++++++++++
Redneck Special ForcesThe end of the war is near...
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).The Alabama, Arkansas, NW Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq, and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:1. The season opened today.2. There is no limit.3. They taste just like chicken.4. They don't like beer, pick-up trucks or country music.5. They are all gay.6. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Old PhoneA boy's journey with his friend, “ Information Please”
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know.“Information Please” could supply anyone's number and the correct time.My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone!Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.“Information, please” I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.“ Information.”“I hurt my finger...” I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.“Isn't your mother home?” came the question.“Nobody's home but me,” I blubbered.“Are you bleeding?” the voice asked.“No, ” I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”“Can you open the icebox?” she asked. I said I could.“Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice.After that, I called “Information Please” for everything.I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was.She helped me with my math.She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, “Information Please” and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child.But I was not consoled.I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?”She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, “Wayne, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.”Somehow I felt better.Another day I was on the telephone, “Information Please.”“ Information,” said in the now familiar voice.“How do I spell fix?” I asked.All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston.I missed my friend very much.“Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciate now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes.I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown Operator and said, “Information Please.”Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. “ Information.”I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, “Could you please tell me how to spell fix?”There was a long pause.Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now?”I laughed. “So it's really you,” I said.“I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?”“I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.”I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.“Please do,” she said. “Just ask for Sally.”Three months later I was back in Seattle.A different voice answered “ Information.”I asked for Sally.“Are you a friend?” she said.“Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.“I'm sorry to have to tell you this,” she said. “Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.”Before I could hang up she said, “Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?”“ Yes,” I answered.“Well, Sally left a message for you.”“She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you. The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'”I thanked her and hung up.I knew what Sally meant...Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?Life is a journey, NOT a guided tour. So don't miss the ride, and have a great time going around - you don't get a second shot at it...
OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself! ************************************************************
MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.
+++++++++++++++++++
"I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage -- no matter how ugly and
disgusting it gets." - Major Frank Burns, M*A*S*H
+++++++++++++++++++
Redneck Special ForcesThe end of the war is near...
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).The Alabama, Arkansas, NW Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq, and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:1. The season opened today.2. There is no limit.3. They taste just like chicken.4. They don't like beer, pick-up trucks or country music.5. They are all gay.6. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Old PhoneA boy's journey with his friend, “ Information Please”
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know.“Information Please” could supply anyone's number and the correct time.My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone!Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.“Information, please” I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.“ Information.”“I hurt my finger...” I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.“Isn't your mother home?” came the question.“Nobody's home but me,” I blubbered.“Are you bleeding?” the voice asked.“No, ” I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”“Can you open the icebox?” she asked. I said I could.“Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice.After that, I called “Information Please” for everything.I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was.She helped me with my math.She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, “Information Please” and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child.But I was not consoled.I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?”She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, “Wayne, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.”Somehow I felt better.Another day I was on the telephone, “Information Please.”“ Information,” said in the now familiar voice.“How do I spell fix?” I asked.All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston.I missed my friend very much.“Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciate now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes.I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown Operator and said, “Information Please.”Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. “ Information.”I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, “Could you please tell me how to spell fix?”There was a long pause.Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now?”I laughed. “So it's really you,” I said.“I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?”“I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.”I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.“Please do,” she said. “Just ask for Sally.”Three months later I was back in Seattle.A different voice answered “ Information.”I asked for Sally.“Are you a friend?” she said.“Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.“I'm sorry to have to tell you this,” she said. “Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.”Before I could hang up she said, “Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?”“ Yes,” I answered.“Well, Sally left a message for you.”“She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you. The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'”I thanked her and hung up.I knew what Sally meant...Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?Life is a journey, NOT a guided tour. So don't miss the ride, and have a great time going around - you don't get a second shot at it...
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
hUMOR For May 2nd
"Speeding Registration"
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno "Are you folks excited about the 2008 presidential campaign? ... Hillary Clinton says that if she's elected, she will name her husband Bill Clinton a roving ambassador to the world. ... Hmmm. Let me think about this. Bill Clinton traveling around the world without his wife? No, I can't see anything going wrong there." --David Letterman "Earlier today, President Bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited Bush to visit Machu Picchu, Bush said, 'Great, I love Pokemon.'" --Conan O'Brien "Some other world class entertainers gathered this weekend for a good cause at the White House Press Correspondents' Dinner. This is where politicians cut loose and make fun of each other and themselves. Last year Stephen Colbert was the headliner, but he was a little bit too funny for their liking I guess, because this year, they went a slightly safer route. They exhumed Rich Little to be the MC. ... Now, when we finally need Dick Cheney to shoot an old man, he's nowhere to be found." --Jimmy Kimmel "Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president." --Jay Leno "President Bush was in town. ... He attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue. It's part of his program 'No Cash Left Behind'" --David Letterman "Bill Clinton announced he'll be flying to Russia to attend the funeral of former president of Russia Boris Yeltsin. At least, that's what he's telling Hillary." --Conan O'Brien "Sheryl Crow was at the dinner to raise awareness of global warming, and she has an interesting plan. Sheryl Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet paper when they go to the bathroom. ... So in other words, don't ever shake Sheryl Crow's hand" --Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
Blackbeard's Photo
Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself. So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo. He need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to "Please Poseidon!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyers Playing Poker
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!" "How can you tell?" Phillips asked. "Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did the wizard say to his witch girlfriend?Hello gore-juice! What do you get if you cross a river with an inflatable wizard?To the other side! What do wizards stop for on the motorway?Witchhikers! What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a wizard?Tyrannosaurus hex! Why do witches wear pointy black hats?To keep their heads warm!
+++++++++++++++++++
Two friends met in the street. One man looked rather forlorn
and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come
you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an
uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."
"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck
for you, eh?"
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin
I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand,
free and clear."
"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"
"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited
almost one hundred thousand dollars."
"Incredible! So how come you look so glum?"
"Well, this week ... nothing!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Today President Bush visited the super secret NSA headquarters. Awkward
moment, Bush asked to see the cone of silence." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Parents Worst Nightmare
Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective. Your loving daughter, Dorothy
+++++++++++++++++++
Wife Was Mad at Me
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, 'Boy was my wife mad at me last night. She went on and on and wouldn't stop!' The other Buddy says, 'When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.' 'How do you do that?' says the other. 'It's easy! I turn off the light!'
+++++++++++++++++++
Short Legal Laughs
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell? ==== Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories. ==== There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight. ==== Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Kit!Kit who? Kit me quick! Knock KnockWho's there?Kitty!Kitty who? Kittyzen Kane! Knock KnockWho's there?Koch!Koch who? Koch in the act! Knock KnockWho's there?Kristin!Kristin who?Kristin the baby in church! Knock KnockWho's there?Kurt & Conan!Kurt & Conan who?Kurt & Conan down down on the last act!
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno "Are you folks excited about the 2008 presidential campaign? ... Hillary Clinton says that if she's elected, she will name her husband Bill Clinton a roving ambassador to the world. ... Hmmm. Let me think about this. Bill Clinton traveling around the world without his wife? No, I can't see anything going wrong there." --David Letterman "Earlier today, President Bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited Bush to visit Machu Picchu, Bush said, 'Great, I love Pokemon.'" --Conan O'Brien "Some other world class entertainers gathered this weekend for a good cause at the White House Press Correspondents' Dinner. This is where politicians cut loose and make fun of each other and themselves. Last year Stephen Colbert was the headliner, but he was a little bit too funny for their liking I guess, because this year, they went a slightly safer route. They exhumed Rich Little to be the MC. ... Now, when we finally need Dick Cheney to shoot an old man, he's nowhere to be found." --Jimmy Kimmel "Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president." --Jay Leno "President Bush was in town. ... He attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue. It's part of his program 'No Cash Left Behind'" --David Letterman "Bill Clinton announced he'll be flying to Russia to attend the funeral of former president of Russia Boris Yeltsin. At least, that's what he's telling Hillary." --Conan O'Brien "Sheryl Crow was at the dinner to raise awareness of global warming, and she has an interesting plan. Sheryl Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet paper when they go to the bathroom. ... So in other words, don't ever shake Sheryl Crow's hand" --Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
Blackbeard's Photo
Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself. So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo. He need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to "Please Poseidon!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyers Playing Poker
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!" "How can you tell?" Phillips asked. "Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did the wizard say to his witch girlfriend?Hello gore-juice! What do you get if you cross a river with an inflatable wizard?To the other side! What do wizards stop for on the motorway?Witchhikers! What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a wizard?Tyrannosaurus hex! Why do witches wear pointy black hats?To keep their heads warm!
+++++++++++++++++++
Two friends met in the street. One man looked rather forlorn
and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come
you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an
uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."
"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck
for you, eh?"
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin
I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand,
free and clear."
"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"
"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited
almost one hundred thousand dollars."
"Incredible! So how come you look so glum?"
"Well, this week ... nothing!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Today President Bush visited the super secret NSA headquarters. Awkward
moment, Bush asked to see the cone of silence." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Parents Worst Nightmare
Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective. Your loving daughter, Dorothy
+++++++++++++++++++
Wife Was Mad at Me
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, 'Boy was my wife mad at me last night. She went on and on and wouldn't stop!' The other Buddy says, 'When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.' 'How do you do that?' says the other. 'It's easy! I turn off the light!'
+++++++++++++++++++
Short Legal Laughs
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell? ==== Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories. ==== There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight. ==== Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Kit!Kit who? Kit me quick! Knock KnockWho's there?Kitty!Kitty who? Kittyzen Kane! Knock KnockWho's there?Koch!Koch who? Koch in the act! Knock KnockWho's there?Kristin!Kristin who?Kristin the baby in church! Knock KnockWho's there?Kurt & Conan!Kurt & Conan who?Kurt & Conan down down on the last act!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
hUMOR For May 1st
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?""
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
-----------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-------------------------------- ---------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for.
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
----------------- -----------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf.
------------------------------------------
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the
second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I
was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you
find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old! ,
tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does you wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
*********
Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..
+++++++++++++++++++
Pirate and Parrot
A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal." The pirate says, "Arr, it's ok, he's had his shots." Then the bartender says, "I was talking to the parrot!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Cartons of Yogurt Walk Into a Bar
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lost Gas Cap
Prof. Vernon Allen filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. "And this one's even better because it locks."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.One at a time, please. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture. Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory.When did it happen?When did what happen? Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I do?Well, for a start, don't point him at me.
+++++++++++++++++++
A preacher's young daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head
and closed his eyes for a few seconds before he went to the pulpit to
preach. When she asked him why he did that, he explained,"I'm asking God to
help me preach a good sermon.
His daughter thought about it for a minute and said, "Why doesn't God hear
you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson's. A preacher was
becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and
slept through the entire sermon. One Sunday the preacher decided to do
something about it. As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast
asleep. Whereupon the preacher said quietly, "Everyone who wants to go to
heaven, stand up."
The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man. When
they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, "Everyone who
want to go to hell, stand up."
This startled the dozing man. Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around
to see what was going on, then said to the preacher, "I don't know what
we're
voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"People will pay more to be entertained than educated." - Johnny Carson
+++++++++++++++++++
When you're rich, it's "eccentric." When you're poor, it's just strange.
+++++++++++++++++++
NAME GAME GIVES PLEASURE TO THOSE WITH EAR FOR IRONY
DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed the columns you've printed about
people whose names matched their professions, and wonder if
you would be interested in an incident that happened to my
sister. Her name is Dragony, and she works in a pharmacy
located in a medical building. Her license plate reads
DRAGONY. Well, someone went into the pharmacy and asked the
girl at the counter, "Who is Dr. Agony?" I still laugh when
I think about it. -- KATHI IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR KATHI: Funny! Your sister's license plate reminds me of
one that belongs to my neighbor, who happens to be an
anesthesiologist. Her license plate reads: EPIDURL.
I am still hearing from readers offering names -- and some
of them are a hoot. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I was office manager for a printing
company that did work for the American Tobacco Co. in North
Carolina. The purchasing agent's assistant there was a woman
by the name of Flicka Ashe. Can you believe it! -- DOLORES
IN SPARTANBURG, S.C.
DEAR ABBY: I have sold real estate for 18 years, and no one
ever forgets my name. It's ... BETH NEWHOUSE, MAYVILLE, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: My grandma fell and broke her hip last summer and
had to have surgery. Her surgeon? Dr. Mark Cutright! --
KATHY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR ABBY: Shame on you! How could you forget your fellow
member of the Group for Advancement of Psychiatry -- Dr.
John Looney? -- FRANCES ROTON BELL, DALLAS
DEAR ABBY: Here's an item that might qualify. It's from the
Jan. 16 edition of our local newspaper: "Charles T.
Sprinkle, 27, of Sandpoint was cited on a charge of
urinating in public at 11:52 p.m. in the 200 block of Main
Street." -- LARRY S. IN IDAHO
DEAR ABBY: Would you like more names that match? My optician
was named Ralph Glance, my daughter's allergist was Dr.
Eitches, and my children's dentist is Dr. Spitz. -- SUSAN
K., HAYWARD, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: When I was in high school, there was a family
with the last name "Braa." Guess what the mom's first name
was? "Iona"! My initials are "B.S.," but this story is not.
-- B.S., FARIBAULT, MINN.
DEAR ABBY: When my sister and I were children, we'd play a
game called "I Spy" during road trips from Georgia to
Alabama. On one of them we spotted a septic tank
installation and maintenance company named "Seth Poole and
Sons." -- LARRY IN DOERUN, GA.
DEAR ABBY: I used to work with a young woman named Linda
Snow. She met and married a wonderful man. When she did, she
became Mrs. Snow-White! -- A FAN, SUN CITY, ARIZ.
DEAR ABBY: My salesman husband was dealing with a
particularly difficult client who demanded to speak to the
boss. The reply: "I'll be happy to transfer you to him. His
name is Robin Hood; if he isn't in, you can speak with his
secretary -- Marian!" True story, real people. -- JENNIFER
IN HOUSTON
DEAR ABBY: This isn't occupation-related, but I thought you
might get a kick out of it anyway. I went to school with
twins Esther and Lester Chester and their big brother,
Chester Chester Jr. And no, I'm not kidding. -- L. LEGGETT,
MAGNOLIA, MISS.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?""
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
-----------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-------------------------------- ---------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for.
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
----------------- -----------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf.
------------------------------------------
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the
second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I
was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you
find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old! ,
tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does you wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
*********
Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..
+++++++++++++++++++
Pirate and Parrot
A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal." The pirate says, "Arr, it's ok, he's had his shots." Then the bartender says, "I was talking to the parrot!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Cartons of Yogurt Walk Into a Bar
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lost Gas Cap
Prof. Vernon Allen filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. "And this one's even better because it locks."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.One at a time, please. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture. Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory.When did it happen?When did what happen? Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I do?Well, for a start, don't point him at me.
+++++++++++++++++++
A preacher's young daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head
and closed his eyes for a few seconds before he went to the pulpit to
preach. When she asked him why he did that, he explained,"I'm asking God to
help me preach a good sermon.
His daughter thought about it for a minute and said, "Why doesn't God hear
you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson's. A preacher was
becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and
slept through the entire sermon. One Sunday the preacher decided to do
something about it. As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast
asleep. Whereupon the preacher said quietly, "Everyone who wants to go to
heaven, stand up."
The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man. When
they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, "Everyone who
want to go to hell, stand up."
This startled the dozing man. Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around
to see what was going on, then said to the preacher, "I don't know what
we're
voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"People will pay more to be entertained than educated." - Johnny Carson
+++++++++++++++++++
When you're rich, it's "eccentric." When you're poor, it's just strange.
+++++++++++++++++++
NAME GAME GIVES PLEASURE TO THOSE WITH EAR FOR IRONY
DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed the columns you've printed about
people whose names matched their professions, and wonder if
you would be interested in an incident that happened to my
sister. Her name is Dragony, and she works in a pharmacy
located in a medical building. Her license plate reads
DRAGONY. Well, someone went into the pharmacy and asked the
girl at the counter, "Who is Dr. Agony?" I still laugh when
I think about it. -- KATHI IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR KATHI: Funny! Your sister's license plate reminds me of
one that belongs to my neighbor, who happens to be an
anesthesiologist. Her license plate reads: EPIDURL.
I am still hearing from readers offering names -- and some
of them are a hoot. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I was office manager for a printing
company that did work for the American Tobacco Co. in North
Carolina. The purchasing agent's assistant there was a woman
by the name of Flicka Ashe. Can you believe it! -- DOLORES
IN SPARTANBURG, S.C.
DEAR ABBY: I have sold real estate for 18 years, and no one
ever forgets my name. It's ... BETH NEWHOUSE, MAYVILLE, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: My grandma fell and broke her hip last summer and
had to have surgery. Her surgeon? Dr. Mark Cutright! --
KATHY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR ABBY: Shame on you! How could you forget your fellow
member of the Group for Advancement of Psychiatry -- Dr.
John Looney? -- FRANCES ROTON BELL, DALLAS
DEAR ABBY: Here's an item that might qualify. It's from the
Jan. 16 edition of our local newspaper: "Charles T.
Sprinkle, 27, of Sandpoint was cited on a charge of
urinating in public at 11:52 p.m. in the 200 block of Main
Street." -- LARRY S. IN IDAHO
DEAR ABBY: Would you like more names that match? My optician
was named Ralph Glance, my daughter's allergist was Dr.
Eitches, and my children's dentist is Dr. Spitz. -- SUSAN
K., HAYWARD, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: When I was in high school, there was a family
with the last name "Braa." Guess what the mom's first name
was? "Iona"! My initials are "B.S.," but this story is not.
-- B.S., FARIBAULT, MINN.
DEAR ABBY: When my sister and I were children, we'd play a
game called "I Spy" during road trips from Georgia to
Alabama. On one of them we spotted a septic tank
installation and maintenance company named "Seth Poole and
Sons." -- LARRY IN DOERUN, GA.
DEAR ABBY: I used to work with a young woman named Linda
Snow. She met and married a wonderful man. When she did, she
became Mrs. Snow-White! -- A FAN, SUN CITY, ARIZ.
DEAR ABBY: My salesman husband was dealing with a
particularly difficult client who demanded to speak to the
boss. The reply: "I'll be happy to transfer you to him. His
name is Robin Hood; if he isn't in, you can speak with his
secretary -- Marian!" True story, real people. -- JENNIFER
IN HOUSTON
DEAR ABBY: This isn't occupation-related, but I thought you
might get a kick out of it anyway. I went to school with
twins Esther and Lester Chester and their big brother,
Chester Chester Jr. And no, I'm not kidding. -- L. LEGGETT,
MAGNOLIA, MISS.
Monday, April 30, 2007
hUMOR For April 30th
Sales Practice
The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. "Well," the man began, "I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.' Then I asked her 'Why?' She replied, 'Because I love you.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake? A witch with a drum kit! What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?A witch in soggy shoes! What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?Lucky! What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?Broom mates!
+++++++++++++++++++
How to avoid shark attacks:
1. Never Leave Kansas
2. Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
3. Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
4. Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney
and leave you alone out of professional courtesy
+++++++++++++++++++
During the constitutional convention in 1787 when it was proposed that the
National Army be limited to 3,000 men, George Washington whispered from his
presiding chair, "Then we should have another article providing that no
foreign nation with an army exceeding 3,000 men be allowed to invade."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing." -
Johnny Carson
+++++++++++++++++++
New PorscheA fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parentsbegan to yell and scream,"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs..""Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a carlike that for fifteen dollars?" they asked."It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know hername-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and askedme if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.""Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser.Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there andsee what's going on."So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where thelady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had solda Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it."Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend hehas runoff to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intendto come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell hisnew Porsche and send him the money. So I did."(Are women good or what?)
+++++++++++++++++++
”Parachute Questions”
A man is on his first parachute jump. He jumps out of the plane and counts, "1 2 3," and pulls the main cord.
Nothing happens.
He pulls on his emergency cord, again nothing happens.
Looking around desperately the man notices another man flying UP into the air. He hollers to him, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No!" the man going up replies. "Do you know anything about gas water heaters?"
+++++++++++++++++++
ObituariesHis four children were gathered around Mr. Staley's deathbed.As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a thousand dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.Mr. Staley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. "Children," he said, "I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married."His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're....."Mr. Staley said, "Yup. And cheap ones too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country. Cutting out all the states, he gave it to Shelby, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today." After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, our country just came together."
+++++++++++++++++++
Teacher Applicant
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager
Vern Allen said:
"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that
room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for
learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity,
modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even
censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted
diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship,
sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a
checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
recognize sign s of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the
state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a
few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that
qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and then
you tell me...
I CAN'T PRAY?"
+++++++++++++++++++
You know you are 100% Oklahoman if:1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha .2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass atractor on the highway.5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.6. You know that the true value of a parking space is notdetermined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm about 5 minutes away.")11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.13. Little smokies are something you serve only for specialoccasions. 14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out anoutfit.16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and in which state"Miam-ee" is.21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin" to send them to your friends..27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation: "You wanna Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."
The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. "Well," the man began, "I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.' Then I asked her 'Why?' She replied, 'Because I love you.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake? A witch with a drum kit! What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?A witch in soggy shoes! What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?Lucky! What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?Broom mates!
+++++++++++++++++++
How to avoid shark attacks:
1. Never Leave Kansas
2. Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
3. Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
4. Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney
and leave you alone out of professional courtesy
+++++++++++++++++++
During the constitutional convention in 1787 when it was proposed that the
National Army be limited to 3,000 men, George Washington whispered from his
presiding chair, "Then we should have another article providing that no
foreign nation with an army exceeding 3,000 men be allowed to invade."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing." -
Johnny Carson
+++++++++++++++++++
New PorscheA fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parentsbegan to yell and scream,"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs..""Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a carlike that for fifteen dollars?" they asked."It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know hername-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and askedme if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.""Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser.Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there andsee what's going on."So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where thelady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had solda Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it."Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend hehas runoff to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intendto come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell hisnew Porsche and send him the money. So I did."(Are women good or what?)
+++++++++++++++++++
”Parachute Questions”
A man is on his first parachute jump. He jumps out of the plane and counts, "1 2 3," and pulls the main cord.
Nothing happens.
He pulls on his emergency cord, again nothing happens.
Looking around desperately the man notices another man flying UP into the air. He hollers to him, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No!" the man going up replies. "Do you know anything about gas water heaters?"
+++++++++++++++++++
ObituariesHis four children were gathered around Mr. Staley's deathbed.As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a thousand dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.Mr. Staley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. "Children," he said, "I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married."His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're....."Mr. Staley said, "Yup. And cheap ones too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country. Cutting out all the states, he gave it to Shelby, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today." After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, our country just came together."
+++++++++++++++++++
Teacher Applicant
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager
Vern Allen said:
"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that
room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for
learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity,
modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even
censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted
diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship,
sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a
checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
recognize sign s of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the
state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a
few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that
qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and then
you tell me...
I CAN'T PRAY?"
+++++++++++++++++++
You know you are 100% Oklahoman if:1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha .2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass atractor on the highway.5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.6. You know that the true value of a parking space is notdetermined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm about 5 minutes away.")11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.13. Little smokies are something you serve only for specialoccasions. 14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out anoutfit.16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and in which state"Miam-ee" is.21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin" to send them to your friends..27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation: "You wanna Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."
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