She Was So Blonde That
- She tripped over a cordless phone. - She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." - She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." - She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." - She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. - She studied for a blood test. - When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. - When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. - She sold the car for gas money!
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat?The milky baa kid! What is a duck's favorite dance?The quackstep! Which dance will a chicken not do?The foxtrot! What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?A woolly jumper!
+++++++++++++++++++
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the
restrooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why, and he confessed that they worked fine, but
when he went into the men's restroom, he saw a sign that
read:
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++++++++++++++++
How Smart Is Your Right Foot?This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand ... Your foot will change direction!!!I told you so ... And there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends ... They won't be able to believe it either!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Preacher's Best Years"
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Have a nice day...someplace else!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gravity"
Gravity always gets me down.
+++++++++++++++++++
Divorce Is GrandNew fulfilling lifestyle on less than a dime...
Dear Wife:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.Your Ex-HusbandP.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning... and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.So take care.SignedRich As Hell and Free!P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ladies Room ButtonsPushing the wrong button can be hazardous to your plumbing...
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.A nurse noticed his predicament.“Sir, ” she said, “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.Who would know if he touched them?He couldn't resist. He pushed 'WW'. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.“What happened?” he exclaimed. “The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.”“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”... MEN NEVER LISTEN
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
hUMOR For April 17th
"Accident Prayer"
As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Expenses" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the
bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter
goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's
there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to
see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me
+++++++++++++++++++
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
+++++++++++++++++++
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better. PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.
The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is… in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.
He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, “Hey man… I’ve been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm… Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What’s your deal?
The guy with No arms says, “Arrrrr… dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!
Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tax-ing QuotesIf it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then I repeat myself. - Mark TwainI contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston ChurchillA government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard ShawA liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon LiddyDemocracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown UniversityGiving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil LibertarianGovernment is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986) I don't make joe-ks. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will RogersIf you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'RourkeIn general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. - UnknownThe government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald ReaganThe inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark TwainThe ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress. - Mark TwainWhat this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien "Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno "Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism. Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was probably the punishment." --Jay Leno "The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien "Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno "Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien "Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
The Procrastinator's Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan. 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
+++++++++++++++++++
As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Expenses" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the
bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter
goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's
there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to
see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me
+++++++++++++++++++
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
+++++++++++++++++++
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better. PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.
The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is… in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.
He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, “Hey man… I’ve been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm… Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What’s your deal?
The guy with No arms says, “Arrrrr… dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!
Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tax-ing QuotesIf it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then I repeat myself. - Mark TwainI contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston ChurchillA government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard ShawA liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon LiddyDemocracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown UniversityGiving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil LibertarianGovernment is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986) I don't make joe-ks. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will RogersIf you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'RourkeIn general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. - UnknownThe government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald ReaganThe inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark TwainThe ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress. - Mark TwainWhat this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien "Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno "Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism. Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was probably the punishment." --Jay Leno "The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien "Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno "Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien "Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
The Procrastinator's Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan. 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
+++++++++++++++++++
Monday, April 16, 2007
hUMOR For April 16th
"Accident Prayer"
As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Expenses" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the
bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter
goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's
there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to
see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me
+++++++++++++++++++
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
+++++++++++++++++++
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better. PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.
The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is… in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.
He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, “Hey man… I’ve been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm… Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What’s your deal?
The guy with No arms says, “Arrrrr… dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!
Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tax-ing QuotesIf it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then I repeat myself. - Mark TwainI contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston ChurchillA government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard ShawA liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon LiddyDemocracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown UniversityGiving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil LibertarianGovernment is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986) I don't make joe-ks. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will RogersIf you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'RourkeIn general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. - UnknownThe government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald ReaganThe inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark TwainThe ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress. - Mark TwainWhat this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson
As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Expenses" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the
bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter
goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's
there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to
see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me
+++++++++++++++++++
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
+++++++++++++++++++
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better. PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.
The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is… in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.
He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, “Hey man… I’ve been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm… Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What’s your deal?
The guy with No arms says, “Arrrrr… dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!
Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tax-ing QuotesIf it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then I repeat myself. - Mark TwainI contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston ChurchillA government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard ShawA liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon LiddyDemocracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown UniversityGiving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil LibertarianGovernment is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986) I don't make joe-ks. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will RogersIf you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'RourkeIn general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. - UnknownThe government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald ReaganThe inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark TwainThe ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress. - Mark TwainWhat this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson
Sunday, April 15, 2007
hUMOR For April 15th
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,
I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her
hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm
very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on
your face.
That's Customer Feedback.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Rewiring"
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There are two secrets for success:1. Don't reveal all your secrets
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tequila"
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
"I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Problem With Fast Food
The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.
+++++++++++++++++++
Custom Software
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?" "Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied. "So, what happens if you press [key combination]?" "Nothing." "Well, humor me. Do it for me." "Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice. It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a bull who tells jokes?Laugh-a-bull! What is the most faithful insect?A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them! What insect runs away from everything?A flee! What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
+++++++++++++++++++
”Walking”
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm
beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow
+++++++++++++++++++
The CantorA cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Why not combine the designated driver ...
Here's an idea. Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning the DH drives all the drunk fans home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Volunteers
On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What to you call a Russian flea?A Moscow-ito! Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?"Why are we running so fast?" said one.Because it says "Tear along the dotted line" What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?A space invader! What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?Bugs Bunny!
say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,
I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her
hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm
very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on
your face.
That's Customer Feedback.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Rewiring"
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There are two secrets for success:1. Don't reveal all your secrets
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tequila"
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
"I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Problem With Fast Food
The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.
+++++++++++++++++++
Custom Software
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?" "Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied. "So, what happens if you press [key combination]?" "Nothing." "Well, humor me. Do it for me." "Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice. It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a bull who tells jokes?Laugh-a-bull! What is the most faithful insect?A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them! What insect runs away from everything?A flee! What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
+++++++++++++++++++
”Walking”
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm
beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow
+++++++++++++++++++
The CantorA cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Why not combine the designated driver ...
Here's an idea. Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning the DH drives all the drunk fans home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Volunteers
On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What to you call a Russian flea?A Moscow-ito! Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?"Why are we running so fast?" said one.Because it says "Tear along the dotted line" What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?A space invader! What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?Bugs Bunny!
Saturday, April 14, 2007
hUMOR For April 14th
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,
I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her
hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm
very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on
your face.
That's Customer Feedback.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Rewiring"
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There are two secrets for success:1. Don't reveal all your secrets
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tequila"
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
"I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Problem With Fast Food
The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.
+++++++++++++++++++
Custom Software
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?" "Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied. "So, what happens if you press [key combination]?" "Nothing." "Well, humor me. Do it for me." "Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice. It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a bull who tells jokes?Laugh-a-bull! What is the most faithful insect?A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them! What insect runs away from everything?A flee! What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
+++++++++++++++++++
”Walking”
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm
beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow
+++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++
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say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,
I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her
hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm
very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on
your face.
That's Customer Feedback.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Rewiring"
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There are two secrets for success:1. Don't reveal all your secrets
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tequila"
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
"I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Problem With Fast Food
The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.
+++++++++++++++++++
Custom Software
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?" "Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied. "So, what happens if you press [key combination]?" "Nothing." "Well, humor me. Do it for me." "Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice. It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a bull who tells jokes?Laugh-a-bull! What is the most faithful insect?A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them! What insect runs away from everything?A flee! What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
+++++++++++++++++++
”Walking”
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm
beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow
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Friday, April 13, 2007
hUMOR For April 13th
Leaning SlightlyI have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused ... told me I was crazy.But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 inch shorter than his right.A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans."So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."He just looked at me and said, ... "I stand corrected."
+++++++++++++++++++
The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a
real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to
correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who
lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale
cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with
him after 7 PM."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of the
error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands
correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing
machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask
for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for
sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs.
Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
+++++++++++++++++++
Chocolate Calories"
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity."- Donald A. Adams
+++++++++++++++++++
"Burning Your Bridges"
A hot-headed golfer with a penchant for breaking clubs was playing one day when he came to the 16th hole, where he faced an approach shot across a ravine.
He said to his caddie, "What kind of distance do we have, son?"
The caddie replied, "About 135, sir."
"My 6 iron, please," said the hothead.
His caddie replied, "It's going to have to be either a 3 iron or 3 wood, sir. That's all that's left in the bag!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Visa
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Flies on a Log
Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it. The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items. Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff. The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away. "Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast." Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened. "Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Commercial Reward
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, "About 10 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why did the dirty chicken cross the road? For some fowl purpose! How do sheep keep warm in winter?Central bleating! How do chickens dance?Chick to chick! What do you call a crazy chicken?A cuckoo-cluck!
+++++++++++++++++++
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of
our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from
the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's
too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
+++++++++++++++++++
Motivating Others
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment
of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did.
Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much
noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the
child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should
be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the
neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave
the neighbors books that described
a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the
boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked
at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder
what's inside the drum?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after the age
of 25." - Mary Ann Tebedo, Republican member of the Colorado State Senate
+++++++++++++++++++
The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a
real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to
correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who
lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale
cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with
him after 7 PM."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of the
error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands
correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing
machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask
for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for
sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs.
Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
+++++++++++++++++++
Chocolate Calories"
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity."- Donald A. Adams
+++++++++++++++++++
"Burning Your Bridges"
A hot-headed golfer with a penchant for breaking clubs was playing one day when he came to the 16th hole, where he faced an approach shot across a ravine.
He said to his caddie, "What kind of distance do we have, son?"
The caddie replied, "About 135, sir."
"My 6 iron, please," said the hothead.
His caddie replied, "It's going to have to be either a 3 iron or 3 wood, sir. That's all that's left in the bag!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Visa
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Flies on a Log
Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it. The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items. Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff. The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away. "Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast." Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened. "Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Commercial Reward
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, "About 10 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why did the dirty chicken cross the road? For some fowl purpose! How do sheep keep warm in winter?Central bleating! How do chickens dance?Chick to chick! What do you call a crazy chicken?A cuckoo-cluck!
+++++++++++++++++++
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of
our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from
the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's
too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
+++++++++++++++++++
Motivating Others
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment
of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did.
Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much
noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the
child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should
be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the
neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave
the neighbors books that described
a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the
boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked
at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder
what's inside the drum?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after the age
of 25." - Mary Ann Tebedo, Republican member of the Colorado State Senate
Thursday, April 12, 2007
hUMOR For April 12th
A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to Explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response: click! 3. A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG) 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!) 5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh) 6. An Illinois congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing), I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?" 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them." 10. A lady senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!" 11. A senior senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!" 12. A New Mexico congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal." Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
+++++++++++++++++++
Department BaseballAn interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing department and the support staff of one company.The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2006 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
+++++++++++++++++++
A contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" had reached
the final plateau. If she answered the next question
correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered
incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone
money.
As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question
was no pushover: Which of the following species of birds
does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in
the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And
she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50
Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained
was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped
against hope that she would not have to use it because the
only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a
blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four
choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The
answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any
answer except the one that her friend had given her. And
considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to
be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde
had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the
contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an
answer," said Regis.
"C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that
the answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a
millionaire!"
A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her
family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her
win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to
thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing
the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.
And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness
with which you answered the question that convinced me to go
with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the
right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that
cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
+++++++++++++++++++
Late for Work
Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time. Hugh?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Hugh sighed and said, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office." "You'll have to do better than that. Hugh," replied the boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."
+++++++++++++++++++
Physical Problems
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Brooklyn Lawyer
A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm and says, "Young man, where are your scruples? Isn't there anyone too low for you to defend?" "I don't know," Ernie replies, "What have you done?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
How do snails get their shells so shiny?They use snail varnish! Where do you find giant snails?At the end of giants fingers! Why is the snail the strongest animal?Because he carries a house on his back!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to Explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response: click! 3. A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG) 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!) 5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh) 6. An Illinois congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing), I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?" 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them." 10. A lady senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!" 11. A senior senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!" 12. A New Mexico congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal." Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
+++++++++++++++++++
Department BaseballAn interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing department and the support staff of one company.The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2006 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
+++++++++++++++++++
A contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" had reached
the final plateau. If she answered the next question
correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered
incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone
money.
As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question
was no pushover: Which of the following species of birds
does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in
the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And
she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50
Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained
was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped
against hope that she would not have to use it because the
only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a
blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four
choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The
answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any
answer except the one that her friend had given her. And
considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to
be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde
had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the
contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an
answer," said Regis.
"C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that
the answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a
millionaire!"
A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her
family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her
win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to
thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing
the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.
And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness
with which you answered the question that convinced me to go
with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the
right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that
cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
+++++++++++++++++++
Late for Work
Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time. Hugh?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Hugh sighed and said, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office." "You'll have to do better than that. Hugh," replied the boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."
+++++++++++++++++++
Physical Problems
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Brooklyn Lawyer
A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm and says, "Young man, where are your scruples? Isn't there anyone too low for you to defend?" "I don't know," Ernie replies, "What have you done?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
How do snails get their shells so shiny?They use snail varnish! Where do you find giant snails?At the end of giants fingers! Why is the snail the strongest animal?Because he carries a house on his back!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
hUMOR For April 11th
"Hand Dryers"
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Leading"
"You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead."- Stan Laurel in the short, "BRATS"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Angry Preacher”
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change their ways."
One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder.
The man continued to laugh.
The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.
He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Washington DCA teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"The reply was, "Washington D.C."On being asked what the 'D.C.' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
+++++++++++++++++++
We only received a handful of complaints about the April
Fools joke last week. That's not too bad considering about
1,055 people filled it out! :) Thanks to all of you good
sports out there! Hope you have a great Tuesday! */
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters
became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man
who took them out.
But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's
prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well
mannered.
Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked
all the young men she and her sisters brought home.
"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
+++++++++++++++++++
Wife Fell Out
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Alligator Shoes
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several were already lying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Microsoft vs. GM
At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And... 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?A bite in shining armour! What does it mean if you find a werewolf in the fridge in the morning?You had some party the night before! Where does Sitting Bull's ghost live?In a creepy teepee! Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'?Because he kept running out of the pen!
+++++++++++++++++++
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
Dear Concerned Citizen
Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban
and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The
administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place
one terrorist under your personal care.
Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your
residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him
overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these
problems as mere cultural differences.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless you feel that this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views
females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women
who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but
I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good
luck!
Cordially,
Don Rumsfeld
+++++++++++++++++++
Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
INSIDE: What was I thinking?
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Leading"
"You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead."- Stan Laurel in the short, "BRATS"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Angry Preacher”
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change their ways."
One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder.
The man continued to laugh.
The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.
He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Washington DCA teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"The reply was, "Washington D.C."On being asked what the 'D.C.' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
+++++++++++++++++++
We only received a handful of complaints about the April
Fools joke last week. That's not too bad considering about
1,055 people filled it out! :) Thanks to all of you good
sports out there! Hope you have a great Tuesday! */
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters
became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man
who took them out.
But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's
prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well
mannered.
Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked
all the young men she and her sisters brought home.
"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
+++++++++++++++++++
Wife Fell Out
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Alligator Shoes
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several were already lying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Microsoft vs. GM
At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And... 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?A bite in shining armour! What does it mean if you find a werewolf in the fridge in the morning?You had some party the night before! Where does Sitting Bull's ghost live?In a creepy teepee! Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'?Because he kept running out of the pen!
+++++++++++++++++++
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
Dear Concerned Citizen
Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban
and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The
administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place
one terrorist under your personal care.
Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your
residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him
overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these
problems as mere cultural differences.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless you feel that this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views
females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women
who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but
I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good
luck!
Cordially,
Don Rumsfeld
+++++++++++++++++++
Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
INSIDE: What was I thinking?
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.
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