hUMOR For April 15th

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,
I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her
hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm
very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on
your face.
That's Customer Feedback.

+++++++++++++++++++
"Rewiring"
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
There are two secrets for success:1. Don't reveal all your secrets
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tequila"
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
"I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Problem With Fast Food
The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.
+++++++++++++++++++
Custom Software
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?" "Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied. "So, what happens if you press [key combination]?" "Nothing." "Well, humor me. Do it for me." "Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice. It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a bull who tells jokes?Laugh-a-bull! What is the most faithful insect?A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them! What insect runs away from everything?A flee! What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
+++++++++++++++++++
”Walking”
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
+++++++++++++++++++

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm
beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow

+++++++++++++++++++

The CantorA cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"

+++++++++++++++++++
Why not combine the designated driver ...
Here's an idea. Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning the DH drives all the drunk fans home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Volunteers
On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What to you call a Russian flea?A Moscow-ito! Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?"Why are we running so fast?" said one.Because it says "Tear along the dotted line" What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?A space invader! What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?Bugs Bunny!

hUMOR For April 14th

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,
I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her
hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm
very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on
your face.
That's Customer Feedback.

+++++++++++++++++++
"Rewiring"
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
There are two secrets for success:1. Don't reveal all your secrets
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tequila"
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
"I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Problem With Fast Food
The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.
+++++++++++++++++++
Custom Software
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?" "Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied. "So, what happens if you press [key combination]?" "Nothing." "Well, humor me. Do it for me." "Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice. It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a bull who tells jokes?Laugh-a-bull! What is the most faithful insect?A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them! What insect runs away from everything?A flee! What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
+++++++++++++++++++
”Walking”
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
+++++++++++++++++++

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm
beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow

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hUMOR For April 13th

Leaning SlightlyI have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused ... told me I was crazy.But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 inch shorter than his right.A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans."So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."He just looked at me and said, ... "I stand corrected."

+++++++++++++++++++

The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a
real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to
correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who
lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale
cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with
him after 7 PM."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of the
error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands
correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing
machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask
for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for
sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs.
Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

+++++++++++++++++++
Chocolate Calories"
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity."- Donald A. Adams
+++++++++++++++++++
"Burning Your Bridges"
A hot-headed golfer with a penchant for breaking clubs was playing one day when he came to the 16th hole, where he faced an approach shot across a ravine.
He said to his caddie, "What kind of distance do we have, son?"
The caddie replied, "About 135, sir."
"My 6 iron, please," said the hothead.
His caddie replied, "It's going to have to be either a 3 iron or 3 wood, sir. That's all that's left in the bag!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Visa
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Flies on a Log
Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it. The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items. Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff. The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away. "Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast." Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened. "Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"

+++++++++++++++++++
Commercial Reward
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, "About 10 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why did the dirty chicken cross the road? For some fowl purpose! How do sheep keep warm in winter?Central bleating! How do chickens dance?Chick to chick! What do you call a crazy chicken?A cuckoo-cluck!
+++++++++++++++++++

My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of
our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from
the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's
too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."

+++++++++++++++++++

Motivating Others

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment
of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did.
Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much
noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the
child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should
be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the
neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave
the neighbors books that described
a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the
boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked
at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder
what's inside the drum?"

+++++++++++++++++++

"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after the age
of 25." - Mary Ann Tebedo, Republican member of the Colorado State Senate

hUMOR For April 12th

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to Explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response: click! 3. A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG) 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!) 5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh) 6. An Illinois congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing), I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?" 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them." 10. A lady senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!" 11. A senior senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!" 12. A New Mexico congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal." Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

+++++++++++++++++++

Department BaseballAn interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing department and the support staff of one company.The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2006 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."

+++++++++++++++++++

A contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" had reached
the final plateau. If she answered the next question
correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered
incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone
money.

As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question
was no pushover: Which of the following species of birds
does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in
the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And
she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50
Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained
was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped
against hope that she would not have to use it because the
only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a
blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four
choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The
answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any
answer except the one that her friend had given her. And
considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to
be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde
had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the
contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an
answer," said Regis.

"C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that
the answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a
millionaire!"

A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her
family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her
win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to
thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing
the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.
And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness
with which you answered the question that convinced me to go
with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the
right answer?"

"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that
cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

+++++++++++++++++++
Late for Work
Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time. Hugh?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Hugh sighed and said, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office." "You'll have to do better than that. Hugh," replied the boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."
+++++++++++++++++++
Physical Problems
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Brooklyn Lawyer
A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm and says, "Young man, where are your scruples? Isn't there anyone too low for you to defend?" "I don't know," Ernie replies, "What have you done?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
How do snails get their shells so shiny?They use snail varnish! Where do you find giant snails?At the end of giants fingers! Why is the snail the strongest animal?Because he carries a house on his back!

hUMOR For April 11th

"Hand Dryers"
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
"The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Leading"
"You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead."- Stan Laurel in the short, "BRATS"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Angry Preacher”
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change their ways."
One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder.
The man continued to laugh.
The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.
He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"
+++++++++++++++++++

Washington DCA teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"The reply was, "Washington D.C."On being asked what the 'D.C.' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"

+++++++++++++++++++

We only received a handful of complaints about the April
Fools joke last week. That's not too bad considering about
1,055 people filled it out! :) Thanks to all of you good
sports out there! Hope you have a great Tuesday! */

A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters
became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man
who took them out.

But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's
prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well
mannered.

Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked
all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

+++++++++++++++++++
Wife Fell Out
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

+++++++++++++++++++
Alligator Shoes
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several were already lying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Microsoft vs. GM
At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And... 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
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For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?A bite in shining armour! What does it mean if you find a werewolf in the fridge in the morning?You had some party the night before! Where does Sitting Bull's ghost live?In a creepy teepee! Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'?Because he kept running out of the pen!
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The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

Dear Concerned Citizen

Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban
and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The
administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place
one terrorist under your personal care.

Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your
residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him
overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these
problems as mere cultural differences.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless you feel that this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views
females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women
who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but
I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good
luck!

Cordially,
Don Rumsfeld

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Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
INSIDE: What was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

hUMOR For April 10th

Recent Quips from Late Night
"Bush visited Walter Reed today. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? ... He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras." --Bill Maher "Sunday is April Fools' Day. Earlier today, a confused President Bush went around the White House hiding colored eggs." --David Letterman "We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno "The president got up there and did a little routine. 'Cause times are funny. He did his famous Patriot Act knock-knock joke. There's no knocking. They just break in." --Bill Maher "The U.N. Security Council expressed concern over Iran capturing those 15 British soldiers. Concerned? With the U.N. involved, this could escalate from concerned to severely frowned upon." --Jay Leno "On Saturday ... Al Gore will be 59 years old. He'll have a cake with 59 candles. 59 candles? Well, hell, there's your global warming right there." --David Letterman "We have a lot of problems over there in the Middle East. Iran is not giving back those British sailors that they snatched from the Persian Gulf. They released a new video today. It's kind of grainy and hard to make out what's going on. But it has British people in it, so it's up for six Oscars." --Bill Maher "Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," ... is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno "None of this has stopped the merriment in Washington. They had the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner the other night. That's where the president meets the reporters. He said it's nice to finally put the faces with the leaks." --Bill Maher

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Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

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Tightwad Flyers
Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been married for years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten bucks is ten bucks." The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show by explaining, "It's free to watch, let's at least watch." Once he got there, the feeling become real strong and an argument started. Between flights the pilot overheard and said, "I'll tell you what. I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me. But if you make one sound, you pay the ten dollars." So off they flew, the Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could, heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go and pulling out of the dive at the very last second. Through all this the couple said not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport. "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?" "Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten bucks is ten bucks."

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For The Kids...
How do you stop a werewolf chasing you?Throw a stick and say fetch! How do you know if two werewolves have been in the fridge?Two pairs of paw prints in the butter! What's Dracula's favourite coffee?Decoffinated! What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a frog?A creature that can bite you from the other side of the road!

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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal
cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out
what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to
be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve
the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They
each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the
well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A
few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the
well and was astonished at what he saw.

With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey
was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take
a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a
step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and
take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.

We can get out of the deepest wells by not stopping, never
giving up! Shake the dirt off and take a step up! Remember
the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

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"If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." - Irwin
Corey

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Clocks for Liars

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.""Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?""That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.""Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.""Where's Hillary's clock?" asked the man."Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

hUMOR For April 9th

A Walking Economy
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy." The friend asks, "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
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Dangerous Food
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
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Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clearthe boss is no where in sightI logon to the web and start to surfand then my hair stands up with fright the footsteps coming down the hallare quickening in pacethere is no time to exitno way to save my face so I press the power buttonand relax just a bitthere is no way he can tellexactly what I hit I act all surpriseddon't know why my machine died"simply unpredictable thesecomputers are!" I cried "So we'll get you a new onea computer that won't crash" he exclaimsDo you think he'll wonderwhen the new one acts the same?
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For The Kids...
What do you get from an Alaskan cow?Cold cream! What game do cows play at parties?Moosical chairs! Why is it called a 'herd' of cattle?Well, have you 'herd' the sound they make! Why was the lamb told off for being rude?He would not say 'thank ewe' to his mum!
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The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the
table. "Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a
congregation of jackasses!"

The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved
brethren.'"

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A minister was preaching about the danger of drinking liquor. He showed the
congregation a clear glass with a piece of liver inside. He then poured beer
into the glass and said, "This is what will happen to your liver if you
drink."

An old alcoholic in he back of the church cried out, "I'll never eat liver
again!"

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Never buy a car you can't push.

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Bible Jokes

Q: Why was Adam a famous runner? A: Because he was first in the human race. Q: Did all the animals on the ark come in pairs?A: No the worms came in apples.

Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians). Q: How do you study the Bible?A: You Luke into it. Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables). Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you). Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray). Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews). Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch. Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts). Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?A: 'E knocks. Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
THE BROKEN TABLETS - ANOTHER VERSION
An angry God was standing at the foot of Mount Sinai. Moses had just descended. At the foot of the mountain lay the two tablets of the Ten Commandments, shattered in a thousand pieces. "What have you done?" demanded God. "Didn't I tell you to deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel?""Yes, Lord," said Moses. "But a man dressed in a brown robe in a flying brown chariot with gold letters on the side appeared to me at the top of the mountain. He told me he would deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel. I thought you sent him.""I most certainly did not," said God. "What were the letters on the side of this chariot?"Moses stooped and wrote three letters in the sand. Pointing at them, he pronounced, "Oops" (UPS).
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?A. No, it was an apple.Q. At what time of day was Adam created?A. A little before Eve.
From: LaMonaInDet@aol.com
Some men were discussing the Bible. They were wondering how many apples Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden.First man: I think there was only one apple in the Garden. Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2. Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also. Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples. Fifth man: You guys don't know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples. Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples. Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden. At that point all of the men gave up.

Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?A. As long as he was Abel. Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A: In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out. The Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
Q. Which animal on Noah's Ark had the highest level of intelligence?A. The giraffe.Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?A. Because they were using "fowl" language.Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?A. Quackers.Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A: Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

hUMOR For April 8tt

"Some people have a way with words, and other people, not have way." - Steve
Martin

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Panty HoseA little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"

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Marriage Quotes
- Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. - Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. - Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. - Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. - Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. - Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man. - Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. - Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly

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Painting Shows it All
At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. "What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. "What painter?" "The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'." "Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!" "That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

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New Haircut
Women's version: Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men's version: Man2: Haircut? Man1: Yeah.

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For The Kids...
Where do you take sick ponies? To the horsepital! What do you say if you see a flying pig?'I see bacon's going up'! Who tells chicken jokes?Comedihens! What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes?A swine gut! Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground?To get to the other side!

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When a huge semi-trailer truck overturned in my town recently a TV reporter
gave the news as follows: "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into the nearby
woods."

After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself, "About that
overturned truck, make those Black Angus cattle."

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More Newspaper Bloopers

Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
"Destructive Pests". A large number were present.

The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.

The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump.

The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted
for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily
living.

Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in
the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.
classic by Herman Melville, will be seen
again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.

Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be
followed by Friday.

The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck
suppers.

The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came
down the aisle.

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I learned something important about burning leaves. Wait until they fall off
the trees.

hUMOR For April 7th

A Great School Lesson...................

In September of 2005, a social studies school teacher from Arkansas did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with permission of the school superintendent, the principal, and the building supervisor, she took all of the desks out of the classroom.
The kids came into first period, they walked in; there were no desks. They obviously looked around and said, "Where's our desks?"
The teacher said, "You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn them."
They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades."
"No," she said.
"Maybe it's our behavior."
And she told them, "No, it's not even your behavior."
And so they came and went in the first period, still no desks in the classroom. Second period, same thing. Third period. By early afternoon television news crews had gathered in the class to find out about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of the classroom. The last period of the day, the instructor gathered her class.
They were at this time sitting on the floor around the sides of the room.
She said, "Throughout the day no one has really understood how you earn the desks that sit in this classroom ordinarily. Now I'm going to tell you."
She went over to the door of her classroom and opened it, and as she did 27 U.S. veterans, wearing their uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. And they placed those school desks in rows, and then they stood along the wall. By the time they had finished placing the desks, those kids for the first time I think perhaps in their lives understood how they earned those desks.
Their teacher said, "You don't have to earn those desks. These guys did it for you. They put them out there for you, but it's up to you to sit here responsibly, to learn, to be good students and good citizens, because they paid a price for you to have that desk, and don't ever forget it."
Tired Son"
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
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CleanQuote
"Let us so live that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry."- Mark Twain
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"Fines" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
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Tales of HeroesDown at the Veteran's Hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh.""Mine," boast another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.""I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world.""What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know."Nothing much. But he would be 185 years old."

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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you
a check.

"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY
circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO
MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest-looking
bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog
just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go
about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling and name calling. Finally, the repairman
couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up,
you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

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Birthday Study
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
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Ten-Mile Hike
An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike." "Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.
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For The Kids...
Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice? Because he was a dirty double crosser! What do you call a sleeping bull?A bulldozer! What has two legs and flies?A pig! What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?A cow that can milk itself!