"Hand Dryers"
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Leading"
"You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead."- Stan Laurel in the short, "BRATS"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Angry Preacher”
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change their ways."
One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder.
The man continued to laugh.
The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.
He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Washington DCA teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"The reply was, "Washington D.C."On being asked what the 'D.C.' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
+++++++++++++++++++
We only received a handful of complaints about the April
Fools joke last week. That's not too bad considering about
1,055 people filled it out! :) Thanks to all of you good
sports out there! Hope you have a great Tuesday! */
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters
became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man
who took them out.
But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's
prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well
mannered.
Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked
all the young men she and her sisters brought home.
"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
+++++++++++++++++++
Wife Fell Out
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Alligator Shoes
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several were already lying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Microsoft vs. GM
At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And... 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?A bite in shining armour! What does it mean if you find a werewolf in the fridge in the morning?You had some party the night before! Where does Sitting Bull's ghost live?In a creepy teepee! Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'?Because he kept running out of the pen!
+++++++++++++++++++
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
Dear Concerned Citizen
Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban
and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The
administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place
one terrorist under your personal care.
Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your
residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him
overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these
problems as mere cultural differences.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless you feel that this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views
females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women
who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but
I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good
luck!
Cordially,
Don Rumsfeld
+++++++++++++++++++
Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
INSIDE: What was I thinking?
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
hUMOR For April 10th
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Bush visited Walter Reed today. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? ... He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras." --Bill Maher "Sunday is April Fools' Day. Earlier today, a confused President Bush went around the White House hiding colored eggs." --David Letterman "We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno "The president got up there and did a little routine. 'Cause times are funny. He did his famous Patriot Act knock-knock joke. There's no knocking. They just break in." --Bill Maher "The U.N. Security Council expressed concern over Iran capturing those 15 British soldiers. Concerned? With the U.N. involved, this could escalate from concerned to severely frowned upon." --Jay Leno "On Saturday ... Al Gore will be 59 years old. He'll have a cake with 59 candles. 59 candles? Well, hell, there's your global warming right there." --David Letterman "We have a lot of problems over there in the Middle East. Iran is not giving back those British sailors that they snatched from the Persian Gulf. They released a new video today. It's kind of grainy and hard to make out what's going on. But it has British people in it, so it's up for six Oscars." --Bill Maher "Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," ... is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno "None of this has stopped the merriment in Washington. They had the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner the other night. That's where the president meets the reporters. He said it's nice to finally put the faces with the leaks." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Tightwad Flyers
Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been married for years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten bucks is ten bucks." The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show by explaining, "It's free to watch, let's at least watch." Once he got there, the feeling become real strong and an argument started. Between flights the pilot overheard and said, "I'll tell you what. I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me. But if you make one sound, you pay the ten dollars." So off they flew, the Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could, heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go and pulling out of the dive at the very last second. Through all this the couple said not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport. "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?" "Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten bucks is ten bucks."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
How do you stop a werewolf chasing you?Throw a stick and say fetch! How do you know if two werewolves have been in the fridge?Two pairs of paw prints in the butter! What's Dracula's favourite coffee?Decoffinated! What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a frog?A creature that can bite you from the other side of the road!
+++++++++++++++++++
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal
cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out
what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to
be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve
the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They
each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the
well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A
few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the
well and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey
was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take
a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a
step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and
take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells by not stopping, never
giving up! Shake the dirt off and take a step up! Remember
the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
+++++++++++++++++++
"If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." - Irwin
Corey
+++++++++++++++++++
Clocks for Liars
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.""Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?""That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.""Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.""Where's Hillary's clock?" asked the man."Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"
"Bush visited Walter Reed today. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? ... He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras." --Bill Maher "Sunday is April Fools' Day. Earlier today, a confused President Bush went around the White House hiding colored eggs." --David Letterman "We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno "The president got up there and did a little routine. 'Cause times are funny. He did his famous Patriot Act knock-knock joke. There's no knocking. They just break in." --Bill Maher "The U.N. Security Council expressed concern over Iran capturing those 15 British soldiers. Concerned? With the U.N. involved, this could escalate from concerned to severely frowned upon." --Jay Leno "On Saturday ... Al Gore will be 59 years old. He'll have a cake with 59 candles. 59 candles? Well, hell, there's your global warming right there." --David Letterman "We have a lot of problems over there in the Middle East. Iran is not giving back those British sailors that they snatched from the Persian Gulf. They released a new video today. It's kind of grainy and hard to make out what's going on. But it has British people in it, so it's up for six Oscars." --Bill Maher "Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," ... is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno "None of this has stopped the merriment in Washington. They had the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner the other night. That's where the president meets the reporters. He said it's nice to finally put the faces with the leaks." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Tightwad Flyers
Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been married for years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten bucks is ten bucks." The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show by explaining, "It's free to watch, let's at least watch." Once he got there, the feeling become real strong and an argument started. Between flights the pilot overheard and said, "I'll tell you what. I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me. But if you make one sound, you pay the ten dollars." So off they flew, the Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could, heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go and pulling out of the dive at the very last second. Through all this the couple said not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport. "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?" "Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten bucks is ten bucks."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
How do you stop a werewolf chasing you?Throw a stick and say fetch! How do you know if two werewolves have been in the fridge?Two pairs of paw prints in the butter! What's Dracula's favourite coffee?Decoffinated! What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a frog?A creature that can bite you from the other side of the road!
+++++++++++++++++++
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal
cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out
what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to
be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve
the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They
each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the
well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A
few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the
well and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey
was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take
a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a
step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and
take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells by not stopping, never
giving up! Shake the dirt off and take a step up! Remember
the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
+++++++++++++++++++
"If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." - Irwin
Corey
+++++++++++++++++++
Clocks for Liars
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.""Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?""That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.""Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.""Where's Hillary's clock?" asked the man."Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"
Monday, April 09, 2007
hUMOR For April 9th
A Walking Economy
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy." The friend asks, "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Dangerous Food
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
+++++++++++++++++++
Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clearthe boss is no where in sightI logon to the web and start to surfand then my hair stands up with fright the footsteps coming down the hallare quickening in pacethere is no time to exitno way to save my face so I press the power buttonand relax just a bitthere is no way he can tellexactly what I hit I act all surpriseddon't know why my machine died"simply unpredictable thesecomputers are!" I cried "So we'll get you a new onea computer that won't crash" he exclaimsDo you think he'll wonderwhen the new one acts the same?
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get from an Alaskan cow?Cold cream! What game do cows play at parties?Moosical chairs! Why is it called a 'herd' of cattle?Well, have you 'herd' the sound they make! Why was the lamb told off for being rude?He would not say 'thank ewe' to his mum!
+++++++++++++++++++
The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the
table. "Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a
congregation of jackasses!"
The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved
brethren.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
A minister was preaching about the danger of drinking liquor. He showed the
congregation a clear glass with a piece of liver inside. He then poured beer
into the glass and said, "This is what will happen to your liver if you
drink."
An old alcoholic in he back of the church cried out, "I'll never eat liver
again!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Never buy a car you can't push.
+++++++++++++++++++
Bible Jokes
Q: Why was Adam a famous runner? A: Because he was first in the human race. Q: Did all the animals on the ark come in pairs?A: No the worms came in apples.
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians). Q: How do you study the Bible?A: You Luke into it. Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables). Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you). Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray). Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews). Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch. Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts). Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?A: 'E knocks. Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
THE BROKEN TABLETS - ANOTHER VERSION
An angry God was standing at the foot of Mount Sinai. Moses had just descended. At the foot of the mountain lay the two tablets of the Ten Commandments, shattered in a thousand pieces. "What have you done?" demanded God. "Didn't I tell you to deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel?""Yes, Lord," said Moses. "But a man dressed in a brown robe in a flying brown chariot with gold letters on the side appeared to me at the top of the mountain. He told me he would deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel. I thought you sent him.""I most certainly did not," said God. "What were the letters on the side of this chariot?"Moses stooped and wrote three letters in the sand. Pointing at them, he pronounced, "Oops" (UPS).
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?A. No, it was an apple.Q. At what time of day was Adam created?A. A little before Eve.
From: LaMonaInDet@aol.com
Some men were discussing the Bible. They were wondering how many apples Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden.First man: I think there was only one apple in the Garden. Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2. Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also. Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples. Fifth man: You guys don't know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples. Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples. Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden. At that point all of the men gave up.
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?A. As long as he was Abel. Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A: In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out. The Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
Q. Which animal on Noah's Ark had the highest level of intelligence?A. The giraffe.Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?A. Because they were using "fowl" language.Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?A. Quackers.Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A: Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy." The friend asks, "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Dangerous Food
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
+++++++++++++++++++
Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clearthe boss is no where in sightI logon to the web and start to surfand then my hair stands up with fright the footsteps coming down the hallare quickening in pacethere is no time to exitno way to save my face so I press the power buttonand relax just a bitthere is no way he can tellexactly what I hit I act all surpriseddon't know why my machine died"simply unpredictable thesecomputers are!" I cried "So we'll get you a new onea computer that won't crash" he exclaimsDo you think he'll wonderwhen the new one acts the same?
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get from an Alaskan cow?Cold cream! What game do cows play at parties?Moosical chairs! Why is it called a 'herd' of cattle?Well, have you 'herd' the sound they make! Why was the lamb told off for being rude?He would not say 'thank ewe' to his mum!
+++++++++++++++++++
The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the
table. "Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a
congregation of jackasses!"
The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved
brethren.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
A minister was preaching about the danger of drinking liquor. He showed the
congregation a clear glass with a piece of liver inside. He then poured beer
into the glass and said, "This is what will happen to your liver if you
drink."
An old alcoholic in he back of the church cried out, "I'll never eat liver
again!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Never buy a car you can't push.
+++++++++++++++++++
Bible Jokes
Q: Why was Adam a famous runner? A: Because he was first in the human race. Q: Did all the animals on the ark come in pairs?A: No the worms came in apples.
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians). Q: How do you study the Bible?A: You Luke into it. Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables). Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you). Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray). Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews). Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch. Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts). Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?A: 'E knocks. Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
THE BROKEN TABLETS - ANOTHER VERSION
An angry God was standing at the foot of Mount Sinai. Moses had just descended. At the foot of the mountain lay the two tablets of the Ten Commandments, shattered in a thousand pieces. "What have you done?" demanded God. "Didn't I tell you to deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel?""Yes, Lord," said Moses. "But a man dressed in a brown robe in a flying brown chariot with gold letters on the side appeared to me at the top of the mountain. He told me he would deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel. I thought you sent him.""I most certainly did not," said God. "What were the letters on the side of this chariot?"Moses stooped and wrote three letters in the sand. Pointing at them, he pronounced, "Oops" (UPS).
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?A. No, it was an apple.Q. At what time of day was Adam created?A. A little before Eve.
From: LaMonaInDet@aol.com
Some men were discussing the Bible. They were wondering how many apples Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden.First man: I think there was only one apple in the Garden. Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2. Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also. Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples. Fifth man: You guys don't know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples. Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples. Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden. At that point all of the men gave up.
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?A. As long as he was Abel. Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A: In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out. The Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
Q. Which animal on Noah's Ark had the highest level of intelligence?A. The giraffe.Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?A. Because they were using "fowl" language.Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?A. Quackers.Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A: Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
hUMOR For April 8tt
"Some people have a way with words, and other people, not have way." - Steve
Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
Panty HoseA little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Quotes
- Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. - Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. - Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. - Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. - Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. - Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man. - Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. - Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
+++++++++++++++++++
Painting Shows it All
At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. "What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. "What painter?" "The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'." "Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!" "That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"
+++++++++++++++++++
New Haircut
Women's version: Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men's version: Man2: Haircut? Man1: Yeah.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Where do you take sick ponies? To the horsepital! What do you say if you see a flying pig?'I see bacon's going up'! Who tells chicken jokes?Comedihens! What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes?A swine gut! Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground?To get to the other side!
+++++++++++++++++++
When a huge semi-trailer truck overturned in my town recently a TV reporter
gave the news as follows: "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into the nearby
woods."
After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself, "About that
overturned truck, make those Black Angus cattle."
+++++++++++++++++++
More Newspaper Bloopers
Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
"Destructive Pests". A large number were present.
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.
The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump.
The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted
for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily
living.
Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in
the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.
classic by Herman Melville, will be seen
again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.
Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be
followed by Friday.
The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck
suppers.
The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came
down the aisle.
+++++++++++++++++++
I learned something important about burning leaves. Wait until they fall off
the trees.
Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
Panty HoseA little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Quotes
- Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. - Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. - Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. - Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. - Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. - Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man. - Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. - Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
+++++++++++++++++++
Painting Shows it All
At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. "What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. "What painter?" "The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'." "Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!" "That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"
+++++++++++++++++++
New Haircut
Women's version: Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men's version: Man2: Haircut? Man1: Yeah.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Where do you take sick ponies? To the horsepital! What do you say if you see a flying pig?'I see bacon's going up'! Who tells chicken jokes?Comedihens! What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes?A swine gut! Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground?To get to the other side!
+++++++++++++++++++
When a huge semi-trailer truck overturned in my town recently a TV reporter
gave the news as follows: "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into the nearby
woods."
After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself, "About that
overturned truck, make those Black Angus cattle."
+++++++++++++++++++
More Newspaper Bloopers
Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
"Destructive Pests". A large number were present.
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.
The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump.
The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted
for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily
living.
Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in
the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.
classic by Herman Melville, will be seen
again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.
Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be
followed by Friday.
The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck
suppers.
The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came
down the aisle.
+++++++++++++++++++
I learned something important about burning leaves. Wait until they fall off
the trees.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
hUMOR For April 7th
A Great School Lesson...................
In September of 2005, a social studies school teacher from Arkansas did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with permission of the school superintendent, the principal, and the building supervisor, she took all of the desks out of the classroom.
The kids came into first period, they walked in; there were no desks. They obviously looked around and said, "Where's our desks?"
The teacher said, "You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn them."
They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades."
"No," she said.
"Maybe it's our behavior."
And she told them, "No, it's not even your behavior."
And so they came and went in the first period, still no desks in the classroom. Second period, same thing. Third period. By early afternoon television news crews had gathered in the class to find out about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of the classroom. The last period of the day, the instructor gathered her class.
They were at this time sitting on the floor around the sides of the room.
She said, "Throughout the day no one has really understood how you earn the desks that sit in this classroom ordinarily. Now I'm going to tell you."
She went over to the door of her classroom and opened it, and as she did 27 U.S. veterans, wearing their uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. And they placed those school desks in rows, and then they stood along the wall. By the time they had finished placing the desks, those kids for the first time I think perhaps in their lives understood how they earned those desks.
Their teacher said, "You don't have to earn those desks. These guys did it for you. They put them out there for you, but it's up to you to sit here responsibly, to learn, to be good students and good citizens, because they paid a price for you to have that desk, and don't ever forget it."
Tired Son"
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Let us so live that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry."- Mark Twain
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fines" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tales of HeroesDown at the Veteran's Hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh.""Mine," boast another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.""I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world.""What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know."Nothing much. But he would be 185 years old."
+++++++++++++++++++
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you
a check.
"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY
circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO
MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest-looking
bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog
just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go
about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling and name calling. Finally, the repairman
couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up,
you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Birthday Study
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten-Mile Hike
An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike." "Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice? Because he was a dirty double crosser! What do you call a sleeping bull?A bulldozer! What has two legs and flies?A pig! What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?A cow that can milk itself!
In September of 2005, a social studies school teacher from Arkansas did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with permission of the school superintendent, the principal, and the building supervisor, she took all of the desks out of the classroom.
The kids came into first period, they walked in; there were no desks. They obviously looked around and said, "Where's our desks?"
The teacher said, "You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn them."
They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades."
"No," she said.
"Maybe it's our behavior."
And she told them, "No, it's not even your behavior."
And so they came and went in the first period, still no desks in the classroom. Second period, same thing. Third period. By early afternoon television news crews had gathered in the class to find out about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of the classroom. The last period of the day, the instructor gathered her class.
They were at this time sitting on the floor around the sides of the room.
She said, "Throughout the day no one has really understood how you earn the desks that sit in this classroom ordinarily. Now I'm going to tell you."
She went over to the door of her classroom and opened it, and as she did 27 U.S. veterans, wearing their uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. And they placed those school desks in rows, and then they stood along the wall. By the time they had finished placing the desks, those kids for the first time I think perhaps in their lives understood how they earned those desks.
Their teacher said, "You don't have to earn those desks. These guys did it for you. They put them out there for you, but it's up to you to sit here responsibly, to learn, to be good students and good citizens, because they paid a price for you to have that desk, and don't ever forget it."
Tired Son"
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Let us so live that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry."- Mark Twain
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fines" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tales of HeroesDown at the Veteran's Hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh.""Mine," boast another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.""I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world.""What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know."Nothing much. But he would be 185 years old."
+++++++++++++++++++
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you
a check.
"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY
circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO
MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest-looking
bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog
just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go
about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling and name calling. Finally, the repairman
couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up,
you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Birthday Study
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten-Mile Hike
An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike." "Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice? Because he was a dirty double crosser! What do you call a sleeping bull?A bulldozer! What has two legs and flies?A pig! What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?A cow that can milk itself!
Friday, April 06, 2007
hUMOR For April 6th
”Inheritances”
Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."
"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."
"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"
"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars."
"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"
"Well, this week...nothing!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cat Sitting"
One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.
"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."
"How do you know that?" I asked.
"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.
Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The older I get, the faster I was."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Waiter Feedback"
The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter.
"I hardly ever get a compliment."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jury Duty 5I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.After several questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" There was an awkward silence.Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
+++++++++++++++++++
It's a summer holiday weekend, and a man walks into a
butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying, "Ground
Sirloin: 29 cents per pound."
The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like
five pounds of your ground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The man, disappointed, goes down the street to another
butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"
The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaims the customer. "Just up the
street, the butcher sells it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does
he have any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher, "when I don't have any, I can sell
it for 19 cents per pound!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." "Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Driving Home Very Drunk
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dog Property Rules
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, it's yours.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did the lovesick bull say to the cow?'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'! Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?Because eggs were going up! What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?A cloud! What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?An egg-splosion!
+++++++++++++++++++
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on
some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
+++++++++++++++++++
One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place
looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake
him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...
"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you
wake up, you're fired!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."
"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."
"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"
"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars."
"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"
"Well, this week...nothing!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cat Sitting"
One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.
"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."
"How do you know that?" I asked.
"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.
Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The older I get, the faster I was."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Waiter Feedback"
The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter.
"I hardly ever get a compliment."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jury Duty 5I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.After several questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" There was an awkward silence.Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
+++++++++++++++++++
It's a summer holiday weekend, and a man walks into a
butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying, "Ground
Sirloin: 29 cents per pound."
The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like
five pounds of your ground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The man, disappointed, goes down the street to another
butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"
The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaims the customer. "Just up the
street, the butcher sells it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does
he have any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher, "when I don't have any, I can sell
it for 19 cents per pound!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." "Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Driving Home Very Drunk
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dog Property Rules
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, it's yours.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did the lovesick bull say to the cow?'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'! Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?Because eggs were going up! What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?A cloud! What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?An egg-splosion!
+++++++++++++++++++
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on
some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
+++++++++++++++++++
One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place
looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake
him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...
"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you
wake up, you're fired!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
hUMOR For April 5th
Newspaper AdThe following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared fourdays in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the firstday's mistake.MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. Itshould have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 PM."WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has receivedseveral annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in theclassified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale-- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. Ismashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she wasmy housekeeper but she quit!
+++++++++++++++++++
A friend of mine came up to me one day and said to me,
"Let's play a game. Let's play who can hit the softest."
Thinking it would be along the lines of a tickling contest,
I said, "Okay."
I was allowed to go first, so I edged up and barely touched
my friend's arm with the tip of my finger. My friend
responded with balling his fist, hitting me with all his
strength, and saying, "I lose."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dropped Your Wallet
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
+++++++++++++++++++
Gathering Chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
+++++++++++++++++++
Red Fire Fighter
There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine. Four and eight makes 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. The Queen Elizabeth was a ship. Ships sail in the sea. The sea has fish. Fish have fins. The Finns are always fighting the Russians. Russians are known as "red". Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Mortimor!Mortimor who?Mortimor that meets the eye! Knock KnockWho's there?Mozart!Mozart who?Mozart is in museums! Knock KnockWho's there?Mr!Mr who!Missed her at the bus stop! Knock KnockWho's there?Muffin!Muffin who?Muffin the matter with me, how about you? Knock KnockWho's there?Muffin!Muffin who?Muffin grouchy first thing in the morning!
+++++++++++++++++++
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer per year. That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.
+++++++++++++++++++
A friend of mine came up to me one day and said to me,
"Let's play a game. Let's play who can hit the softest."
Thinking it would be along the lines of a tickling contest,
I said, "Okay."
I was allowed to go first, so I edged up and barely touched
my friend's arm with the tip of my finger. My friend
responded with balling his fist, hitting me with all his
strength, and saying, "I lose."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dropped Your Wallet
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
+++++++++++++++++++
Gathering Chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
+++++++++++++++++++
Red Fire Fighter
There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine. Four and eight makes 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. The Queen Elizabeth was a ship. Ships sail in the sea. The sea has fish. Fish have fins. The Finns are always fighting the Russians. Russians are known as "red". Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Mortimor!Mortimor who?Mortimor that meets the eye! Knock KnockWho's there?Mozart!Mozart who?Mozart is in museums! Knock KnockWho's there?Mr!Mr who!Missed her at the bus stop! Knock KnockWho's there?Muffin!Muffin who?Muffin the matter with me, how about you? Knock KnockWho's there?Muffin!Muffin who?Muffin grouchy first thing in the morning!
+++++++++++++++++++
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer per year. That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
hUMOR For April 4th
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From My DogDogs teach us many things .....When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.Let others know when they've invaded your territory.Take naps and stretch before rising.Run, romp, and play daily.Thrive on attention and let people touch you.Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ... run right back and make friends.Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.Be loyal.Never pretend to be something you're not.If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Minivan Tow"
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini Countash pulls up.
"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.
The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."- W.C. Fields
+++++++++++++++++++
"You've Been Promoted"
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said "You've been promoted," and I swerved.
Then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again,"and I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director," and I crashed into a tree. A policeman came up and said "What happened to you?"
I said "I careered off the road."
+++++++++++++++++++
A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant,
was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during
his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel,
Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys
exactly where to get off."
"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young
soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to
tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then,
another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse
me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water
isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to
the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30
minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for
almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when
they needed us." - Alan Kent
+++++++++++++++++++
Too Hot, Too Cold
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tips to Improve Your Writing
1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 3. Employ the vernacular. 4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 6. Remember to never split an infinitive. 7. Contractions aren't necessary. 8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 9. One should never generalize. 10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 13. Be more or less specific. 14. Understatement is always best. 15. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 17. The passive voice is to be avoided. 18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 20. Who needs rhetorical questions? 21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 22. Don't never use a double negation. 23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point 24. Do not put statements in the negative form. 25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. 26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. 27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. 28. A writer must not shift your point of view. 29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) 30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!! 31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents. 32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. 33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. 34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. 35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. 36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. 37. Always pick on the correct idiom. 38. The adverb always follows the verb. 39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
+++++++++++++++++++
Daughter in College
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education? As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
A noise woke me up this morning. What was that?The crack of dawn! It's gone forever - forever I tell you!What has?Yesterday! Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time?A jelly copter! Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?He wanted to put something away for a rainy day! What's the name for a short legged tramp?A low down bum! Why did the man take a pencil to bed?To draw the curtains! What's the difference between an American student and an English student?About 3000 miles!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Minivan Tow"
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini Countash pulls up.
"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.
The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."- W.C. Fields
+++++++++++++++++++
"You've Been Promoted"
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said "You've been promoted," and I swerved.
Then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again,"and I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director," and I crashed into a tree. A policeman came up and said "What happened to you?"
I said "I careered off the road."
+++++++++++++++++++
A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant,
was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during
his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel,
Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys
exactly where to get off."
"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young
soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to
tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then,
another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse
me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water
isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to
the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30
minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for
almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when
they needed us." - Alan Kent
+++++++++++++++++++
Too Hot, Too Cold
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tips to Improve Your Writing
1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 3. Employ the vernacular. 4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 6. Remember to never split an infinitive. 7. Contractions aren't necessary. 8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 9. One should never generalize. 10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 13. Be more or less specific. 14. Understatement is always best. 15. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 17. The passive voice is to be avoided. 18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 20. Who needs rhetorical questions? 21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 22. Don't never use a double negation. 23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point 24. Do not put statements in the negative form. 25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. 26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. 27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. 28. A writer must not shift your point of view. 29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) 30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!! 31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents. 32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. 33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. 34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. 35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. 36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. 37. Always pick on the correct idiom. 38. The adverb always follows the verb. 39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
+++++++++++++++++++
Daughter in College
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education? As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
A noise woke me up this morning. What was that?The crack of dawn! It's gone forever - forever I tell you!What has?Yesterday! Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time?A jelly copter! Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?He wanted to put something away for a rainy day! What's the name for a short legged tramp?A low down bum! Why did the man take a pencil to bed?To draw the curtains! What's the difference between an American student and an English student?About 3000 miles!
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
hUMOR For April 3rd
Vernie and his classmates had just finished a tour of the
local fire hall.
Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.
He asked little Vernie, "What do you do if your clothes catch
on fire?"
Vernie replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." - Morticia,
The Addams Family
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Turns out Rudy Giuliani's wife forgot one marriage. Originally, she said she was married twice before. Now it turns out she was actually married three times. But she said she never talks about the first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno "The liberal assault on our president continues, folks. Yesterday the Democrats pulled out their most underhanded weapon yet -- Republicans. ... Senator Hagel wasted no time in mavericking the president [on screen: Hagel criticizing Bush and saying the U.S. is not a monarchy]. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's land and revoke his privilege." --Stephen Colbert "According to the latest census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh, they're dead because they didn't have health insurance." --Jay Leno "Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill Maher "In his new tell-all book, Republican former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said he partied too much, drank too much, and slept with too many women he wasn't married to. You know what the Republicans call a guy like that? A Democrat." --Jay Leno "I give credit where credit is due. Finally, someone from the Bush family has enlisted. George Prescott Bush, the president's nephew, has enlisted in the Navy. The Navy is a tradition in the Bush family. The first president Bush was a Navy pilot. The current President Bush spends money like a drunken sailor." --Bill Maher "According to the L.A. Times, insurgents in Iraq are targeting educated people like professors and librarians. ... If the intelligent are targeted and killed, then the only ones left to lead the country will be the ignorant. So, at least they are getting closer to an American-style democracy." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Albanian Manufacturers
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
- You automatically double-knot everything you tie. - You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. - You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! - You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. - You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. - You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. - You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?" - You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?A witch with a drum kit! What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?A witch in soggy shoes! What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?Lucky! What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?Broom mates! What does a witch turn when the lights go out?The dark! What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?To keep their hats pointed! What is evil and ugly, puts spells on people and is made of leaves?A witch (The leaves were just a plant)!
+++++++++++++++++++
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard,
got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a
military induction center, and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI
insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing
that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more expensive
supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost
these low-income recruits $30 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you
got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da
governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000. If you take out da
supplemental inshoranse, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da
governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq
furst?"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Toast Rescue”
While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown.
Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn't reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.
I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker."
"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."
local fire hall.
Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.
He asked little Vernie, "What do you do if your clothes catch
on fire?"
Vernie replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." - Morticia,
The Addams Family
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Turns out Rudy Giuliani's wife forgot one marriage. Originally, she said she was married twice before. Now it turns out she was actually married three times. But she said she never talks about the first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno "The liberal assault on our president continues, folks. Yesterday the Democrats pulled out their most underhanded weapon yet -- Republicans. ... Senator Hagel wasted no time in mavericking the president [on screen: Hagel criticizing Bush and saying the U.S. is not a monarchy]. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's land and revoke his privilege." --Stephen Colbert "According to the latest census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh, they're dead because they didn't have health insurance." --Jay Leno "Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill Maher "In his new tell-all book, Republican former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said he partied too much, drank too much, and slept with too many women he wasn't married to. You know what the Republicans call a guy like that? A Democrat." --Jay Leno "I give credit where credit is due. Finally, someone from the Bush family has enlisted. George Prescott Bush, the president's nephew, has enlisted in the Navy. The Navy is a tradition in the Bush family. The first president Bush was a Navy pilot. The current President Bush spends money like a drunken sailor." --Bill Maher "According to the L.A. Times, insurgents in Iraq are targeting educated people like professors and librarians. ... If the intelligent are targeted and killed, then the only ones left to lead the country will be the ignorant. So, at least they are getting closer to an American-style democracy." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Albanian Manufacturers
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
- You automatically double-knot everything you tie. - You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. - You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! - You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. - You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. - You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. - You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?" - You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?A witch with a drum kit! What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?A witch in soggy shoes! What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?Lucky! What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?Broom mates! What does a witch turn when the lights go out?The dark! What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?To keep their hats pointed! What is evil and ugly, puts spells on people and is made of leaves?A witch (The leaves were just a plant)!
+++++++++++++++++++
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard,
got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a
military induction center, and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI
insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing
that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more expensive
supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost
these low-income recruits $30 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you
got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da
governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000. If you take out da
supplemental inshoranse, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da
governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq
furst?"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Toast Rescue”
While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown.
Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn't reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.
I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker."
"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."
Monday, April 02, 2007
hUMOR For April 2nd
Computer Power
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Still Know You're a Tech Geek When...
- When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination. - When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash. - When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines. - When you call "*.*" star-dot-star. - When you can do hexadecimal arithimatic in your head. - When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'." - When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
+++++++++++++++++++
Investment Counselor
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor. The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'?A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons! What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig?A groundhog! How do you take a pig to hospital?By hambulance! What do you call a joke book for chickens?A yolk book!
+++++++++++++++++++
My Protestant clergy friend was speaking with a Catholic priest and wanted
to make a solid friendship. He spoke of many things and felt it was going
well, but when he asked if the priest's dad had been a priest, the
conversation was over.
+++++++++++++++++++
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As
he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him
and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather
won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!
+++++++++++++++++++
Cholesterophobia: Fear of frying.
+++++++++++++++++++
Elderly Pre-Nups
Preparing for your last marriage...
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.She said, “I want to keep my house.”He said, “That's fine with me.”She said, “And I want to keep my Cadillac.”He said, “That's fine with me.”She said, “And I want to have sex 6 times a week.”He said, “That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays.”
+++++++++++++++++++
The Old PhoneA boy's journey with his friend, “ Information Please”
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know.“Information Please” could supply anyone's number and the correct time.My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone!Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.“Information, please” I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.“ Information.”“I hurt my finger...” I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.“Isn't your mother home?” came the question.“Nobody's home but me,” I blubbered.“Are you bleeding?” the voice asked.“No, ” I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”“Can you open the icebox?” she asked. I said I could.“Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice.After that, I called “Information Please” for everything.I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was.She helped me with my math.She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, “Information Please” and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child.But I was not consoled.I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?”She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, “Wayne, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.”Somehow I felt better.Another day I was on the telephone, “Information Please.”“ Information,” said in the now familiar voice.“How do I spell fix?” I asked.All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston.I missed my friend very much.“Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciate now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes.I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown Operator and said, “Information Please.”Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. “ Information.”I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, “Could you please tell me how to spell fix?”There was a long pause.Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now?”I laughed. “So it's really you,” I said.“I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?”“I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.”I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.“Please do,” she said. “Just ask for Sally.”Three months later I was back in Seattle.A different voice answered “ Information.”I asked for Sally.“Are you a friend?” she said.“Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.“I'm sorry to have to tell you this,” she said. “Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.”Before I could hang up she said, “Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?”“ Yes,” I answered.“Well, Sally left a message for you.”“She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you. The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'”I thanked her and hung up.I knew what Sally meant...Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?Life is a journey, NOT a guided tour. So don't miss the ride, and have a great time going around - you don't get a second shot at it...
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Still Know You're a Tech Geek When...
- When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination. - When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash. - When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines. - When you call "*.*" star-dot-star. - When you can do hexadecimal arithimatic in your head. - When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'." - When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
+++++++++++++++++++
Investment Counselor
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor. The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'?A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons! What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig?A groundhog! How do you take a pig to hospital?By hambulance! What do you call a joke book for chickens?A yolk book!
+++++++++++++++++++
My Protestant clergy friend was speaking with a Catholic priest and wanted
to make a solid friendship. He spoke of many things and felt it was going
well, but when he asked if the priest's dad had been a priest, the
conversation was over.
+++++++++++++++++++
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As
he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him
and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather
won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!
+++++++++++++++++++
Cholesterophobia: Fear of frying.
+++++++++++++++++++
Elderly Pre-Nups
Preparing for your last marriage...
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.She said, “I want to keep my house.”He said, “That's fine with me.”She said, “And I want to keep my Cadillac.”He said, “That's fine with me.”She said, “And I want to have sex 6 times a week.”He said, “That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays.”
+++++++++++++++++++
The Old PhoneA boy's journey with his friend, “ Information Please”
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know.“Information Please” could supply anyone's number and the correct time.My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone!Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.“Information, please” I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.“ Information.”“I hurt my finger...” I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.“Isn't your mother home?” came the question.“Nobody's home but me,” I blubbered.“Are you bleeding?” the voice asked.“No, ” I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”“Can you open the icebox?” she asked. I said I could.“Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice.After that, I called “Information Please” for everything.I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was.She helped me with my math.She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, “Information Please” and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child.But I was not consoled.I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?”She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, “Wayne, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.”Somehow I felt better.Another day I was on the telephone, “Information Please.”“ Information,” said in the now familiar voice.“How do I spell fix?” I asked.All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston.I missed my friend very much.“Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciate now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes.I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown Operator and said, “Information Please.”Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. “ Information.”I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, “Could you please tell me how to spell fix?”There was a long pause.Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now?”I laughed. “So it's really you,” I said.“I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?”“I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.”I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.“Please do,” she said. “Just ask for Sally.”Three months later I was back in Seattle.A different voice answered “ Information.”I asked for Sally.“Are you a friend?” she said.“Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.“I'm sorry to have to tell you this,” she said. “Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.”Before I could hang up she said, “Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?”“ Yes,” I answered.“Well, Sally left a message for you.”“She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you. The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'”I thanked her and hung up.I knew what Sally meant...Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?Life is a journey, NOT a guided tour. So don't miss the ride, and have a great time going around - you don't get a second shot at it...
Sunday, April 01, 2007
hUMOR For April 1st
Local CrimeA thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment.A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
+++++++++++++++++++
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial
sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological
observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational
communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified
comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune
babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have
intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical
bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain
vapid verbosity.
In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was visiting a friend who couldn't find her cordless phone.
After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, "You know what
they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never
gets lost."
+++++++++++++++++++
"This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote
it." - Miss Piggy
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You're a Tech Geek When...
- When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!" - When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD. - When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". - When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap". - When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor." - When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. - When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
+++++++++++++++++++
Number 12
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman. "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. "You're under 18," replies the barman.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial
sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological
observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational
communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified
comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune
babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have
intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical
bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain
vapid verbosity.
In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was visiting a friend who couldn't find her cordless phone.
After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, "You know what
they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never
gets lost."
+++++++++++++++++++
"This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote
it." - Miss Piggy
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You're a Tech Geek When...
- When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!" - When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD. - When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". - When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap". - When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor." - When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. - When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
+++++++++++++++++++
Number 12
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman. "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. "You're under 18," replies the barman.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Saturday, March 31, 2007
hUMOR For March 31st
Fairest Tax?At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said."But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner. "Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Priory Priority"
The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.
"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."
"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my PalmPilot in there."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Always do right - This will gratify some and astonish the rest."- Mark Twain
+++++++++++++++++++
"Estates" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"
The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
WORDS WOMEN USE
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument whenyou are right and you need to shut up.2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means halfan hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have justbeen given five more minutes to watch the game before helpingaround the house.3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This meanssomething and you should be on your toes. Arguments that beginwith Nothing usually end in Fine. (Refer back to #1 for themeaning of Fine.)4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbalstatement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means shethinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting hertime standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Referback to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statementsa women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants tothink long and hard before deciding how and when you will payfor your mistake.7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you -- do not question, or faint.Just say you're welcome.8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying NUTS TO YOU!9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerousstatement, meaning this is something that a woman has told aman to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This willlater result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman'sresponse to be nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning ofNothing.)Send this to the men you know, to warn them about argumentsthey can avoid if they remember the terminology.Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh. . . 'causethey know it's true.
+++++++++++++++++++
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and goingback to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold themwhile you chop away.4. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat. Use the sink.5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus
reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never trust a fart.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.If you woke up breathing, congratulations!You get another chance.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ode to Fading Memory
My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, <>and Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, WHEE!The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say! "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Priory Priority"
The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.
"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."
"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my PalmPilot in there."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Always do right - This will gratify some and astonish the rest."- Mark Twain
+++++++++++++++++++
"Estates" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"
The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
WORDS WOMEN USE
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument whenyou are right and you need to shut up.2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means halfan hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have justbeen given five more minutes to watch the game before helpingaround the house.3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This meanssomething and you should be on your toes. Arguments that beginwith Nothing usually end in Fine. (Refer back to #1 for themeaning of Fine.)4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbalstatement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means shethinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting hertime standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Referback to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statementsa women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants tothink long and hard before deciding how and when you will payfor your mistake.7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you -- do not question, or faint.Just say you're welcome.8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying NUTS TO YOU!9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerousstatement, meaning this is something that a woman has told aman to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This willlater result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman'sresponse to be nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning ofNothing.)Send this to the men you know, to warn them about argumentsthey can avoid if they remember the terminology.Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh. . . 'causethey know it's true.
+++++++++++++++++++
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and goingback to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold themwhile you chop away.4. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat. Use the sink.5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus
reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never trust a fart.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.If you woke up breathing, congratulations!You get another chance.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ode to Fading Memory
My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, <>and Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, WHEE!The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say! "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke.
Friday, March 30, 2007
hUMOR For March 30th
Change is Good?Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped."Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this.""Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."
+++++++++++++++++++
One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny
town got up early and went to the local church. Before the
services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews
and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he
walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
over 48 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
Form Feed
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident: Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
+++++++++++++++++++
Choose a Punishment
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
+++++++++++++++++++
Debate About the Box
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material. Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares: "I define myself to be on the outside."
+++++++++++++++++++
Only in the South
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in the South.There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.People actually grow and eat okra.Fixinto is one word.There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."Djeet? is actually a word meaning "Did you eat?"You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.YOU KNOW YOUR FROM THE SOUTH IF:You measure distance in minutes.You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.You know what a "DAWG" is.You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World" or praying at the "Church of Sam" if you go every Sunday.You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"Fried catfish is the other white meat.We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from the South (and those who just wish they were).Not EVERYONE can be a Southerner, it's an art form and a gift from God!
+++++++++++++++++++
One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny
town got up early and went to the local church. Before the
services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews
and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he
walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
over 48 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
Form Feed
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident: Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
+++++++++++++++++++
Choose a Punishment
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
+++++++++++++++++++
Debate About the Box
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material. Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares: "I define myself to be on the outside."
+++++++++++++++++++
Only in the South
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in the South.There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.People actually grow and eat okra.Fixinto is one word.There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."Djeet? is actually a word meaning "Did you eat?"You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.YOU KNOW YOUR FROM THE SOUTH IF:You measure distance in minutes.You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.You know what a "DAWG" is.You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World" or praying at the "Church of Sam" if you go every Sunday.You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"Fried catfish is the other white meat.We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from the South (and those who just wish they were).Not EVERYONE can be a Southerner, it's an art form and a gift from God!
Thursday, March 29, 2007
hUMOR For 29th
The CaddyAfter a long day on the course, the exasperated golfer turned to his caddy and said, "You must be the absolute worst caddy in the world!""No, I don't think so," said the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kid Wisdom
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Big ethical dilemma
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Fighting Mood
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
+++++++++++++++++++
Golf Problem
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Military Man"
A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."
"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."- H. L. Mencken
+++++++++++++++++++
"Expert Testimony" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Arthur C. Clarke, who wrote the science fiction novel 200l: A Space Odyssey, was also a scientist. He received a telegram from newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst demanding, "Is there life on Mars? Cable one thousand words."
Clarke wired back: "Nobody knows. Repeat five hundred times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kid Wisdom
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Big ethical dilemma
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Fighting Mood
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
+++++++++++++++++++
Golf Problem
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Military Man"
A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."
"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."- H. L. Mencken
+++++++++++++++++++
"Expert Testimony" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Arthur C. Clarke, who wrote the science fiction novel 200l: A Space Odyssey, was also a scientist. He received a telegram from newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst demanding, "Is there life on Mars? Cable one thousand words."
Clarke wired back: "Nobody knows. Repeat five hundred times."
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
hUMOR For March 28th
Clue-ChallengedThe server had to be taken offline on an emergency basis to fix a major problem and restore corrupted data. The group responsible did a wonderful job of minimizing downtime and keeping everyone informed about the progress, reports a technician there.But once it's all over, one particularly clue-challenged middle manager sends along a request for handling the next crisis. "Any chance we can conduct these activities over the weekends? This was not a good thing to have happen during the standard workweek."
+++++++++++++++++++
You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your
teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well,
I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you
could use to express yourself without having to mumble.
Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered
1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the
ceiling above the dentist chair.
It would give you something to read since procedures can be
boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold
up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself.
The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat
yourself and could fix the problem right away.
1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.
2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running
down my neck.
3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?
4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with
that incredibly sharp tool of yours.
5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.
6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you
missed before I gag?
7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been
mistaken.
8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.
9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I
may bite you.
10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I
will take that paper mask off your face.
+++++++++++++++++++
Fixing Broken Computers
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
+++++++++++++++++++
Girlfriend in the Car
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Quiet in Church
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
+++++++++++++++++++
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally
receives thank you notes from members of
school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the
animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
+++++++++++++++++++
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window .
+++++++++++++++++++
"I don't know why people are surprised that France wouldn't help us get
Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France
either." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her Face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against The steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Women drivers!!
+++++++++++++++++++
You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your
teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well,
I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you
could use to express yourself without having to mumble.
Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered
1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the
ceiling above the dentist chair.
It would give you something to read since procedures can be
boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold
up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself.
The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat
yourself and could fix the problem right away.
1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.
2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running
down my neck.
3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?
4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with
that incredibly sharp tool of yours.
5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.
6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you
missed before I gag?
7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been
mistaken.
8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.
9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I
may bite you.
10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I
will take that paper mask off your face.
+++++++++++++++++++
Fixing Broken Computers
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
+++++++++++++++++++
Girlfriend in the Car
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Quiet in Church
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
+++++++++++++++++++
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally
receives thank you notes from members of
school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the
animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
+++++++++++++++++++
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window .
+++++++++++++++++++
"I don't know why people are surprised that France wouldn't help us get
Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France
either." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her Face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against The steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Women drivers!!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
hUMOR For March 27th
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY NO!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came
back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"It's March Madness. I know people go crazy for this. ... It's the time of year when college basketball teams are eliminated faster than U.S. attorneys." --Bill Maher "In a stunning new poll in Time magazine, Hillary Clinton's lead has dropped from 19 points over Barack Obama to just seven points. She's now blaming it on a vast left-wing conspiracy." --Jay Leno "According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers "There's a new book coming out about Bill Clinton ... and it says Bill Clinton has had a number of one-night stands in Ireland, France, Taiwan, Rio and London. He flies overseas to have sex. That shows how times have changed. Remember the old days? He didn't even have to leave his desk." --Jay Leno "Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler "The big rumor is that Newt Gingrich may run for president. Newt Gingrich has the best reason to stay out of the Mid East -- he knows they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
+++++++++++++++++++
Embarrassing Traffic Stop
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
+++++++++++++++++++
Church Bulletin BloopersBest of the bloopers 4U...
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.3. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.5. The Pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Church hall. Music will follow.13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir.14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.18. The Associate Minister unveiled the Church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."20. Don't let worry kill you, let the Church help.21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.23. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.24. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.25. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.26. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.27. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All".28. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of his 300th birthday.29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.30. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.31. Twenty-two members were present at the Church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.32. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.33. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"34. Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett.35. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding".36. On a Church bulletin during the minister's illness: "GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better."37. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the Church secretary.38. The 2000 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and May 11.39. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.40. This afternoon, there will be a meeting at the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be baptized at both ends.41. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.42. The Church is glad to have with us today the Rev. Shirley Green and Mrs. Green. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the hanging of the Greens.43. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.44. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the Church basement Saturday.45. Miss Charlette Manson sang, "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.46. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around thehouse. Don't forget your husbands".47. The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.48. The Service this morning: "Jesus walks on the water". The Service tonight: "Searching for Jesus".49. Sarah remains in the hospital and needs donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor David's Sermons.50. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any Church.51. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The Pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".52. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.53. Ushers will eat latecomers.54. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.55. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.56. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.57. Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.58. Evening massage - 6 P.M.59. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.60. Announcement in the Church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals".61. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.62. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 63. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the Church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.64. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.65. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.66. The Church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.67. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.68. Our youth basketball team is back in action on Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.69. Today is the fifth Sunday of Lint.70. If you are blind or unable to understand English, please ask for assistance.71. The men's group will hear a car talk at noon.72. Great news! Doctors have performed a CAT scan on Pastor McLaren's head and report that they have found nothing!73. The Scripture reading today is from the Gospel according to Luck.
+++++++++++++++++++
Fortune Cookies - In BedAdd some excitement to your next Fortune Cookie message!At the very least, you too can become a Fortune Cookie writer...
The next time you are with a group of people at a Chinese restaurant, when they bring you the Fortune Cookies, make sure that everyone in your group opens their Fortune Cookie in front of everyone – and reads out their fortune message… BUT at the end of their message, they have to add the words, “In Bed”… here’s what could happen!A change of heart may lead to a new living environment in bed.A certain someone will appear who could enhance your life in bed.A dramatic change of scenery is in store for you in bed.A friend will soon bring you a present in bed.A man with brown eyes has a surprise for you in bed.A new chapter in your life is being written in bed.A newspaper item will soon happily affect you in bed.A personal relationship will become more fulfilling in bed.A romantic interlude may have to be postponed in bed.A short stranger will soon enter your life in bed.A sudden change in plans will lead to good fortune in bed.A windfall is coming for you in bed.A worthy cause will appreciate your generosity in bed.Accept no substitutes for that which is genuine in bed.Accept the next proposition you hear in bed.Affairs of the heart shall bring you deep joy in bed.All goes well with your personal life in bed.An official document will arrive soon in bed.An old friend will be your source of strength in bed.An outgoing attitude is the key to your efforts in bed.An unexpected call could be pleasing to a good friend in bed.Avoid taking unnecessary risks in bed.Back away from individuals who are impulsive in bed.Be patient if some luxuries are not out of your reach in bed.Being on time will aid you to succeed this month in bed.Being the first to try something new could be great in bed.By next month, your added responsibilities will be alleviated in bed.
Catch up with various neglected chores in bed.Children will play an important role in your life in bed. (the Michael Jackson fortune cookie!)Clarity of mind helps in decision making in bed.
Don't be hasty; prosperity will knock on your door soon in bed.Don't lose sight of what you want in bed.
Easy times are ahead for you in bed.Enjoy your good company, they are true friends in bed.Fall shall see all your cares and worries slip away in bed.Family relationships will improve with time in bed.Feelings of goodwill to all should lighten your mood in bed.Find some time to look up some older relatives in bed.Find the road to your happiness by helping others in bed.Follow the advice of your heart in bed.Follow your instincts, they are valid in bed.Functioning superbly will come automatically to you in bed.Give your undivided attention to things that are basic in bed.If planning study or training, now is the time to go ahead in bed.If you have any doubts at all, hold off on decisions in bed.If you have money in hand, spend it on improving yourself in bed.Important associates will be there for you if needed in bed.Important news about your job will come soon in bed.It will take maturity and compromise to manage in bed.Joint ventures work out better than going it alone in bed.Judge one not by his charms, but by his qualities in bed.
Keep a 'go-for-it' attitude and you are sure to be a winner in bed.Keep your plans secret for now in bed.
Let no one cause you to violate your principles in bed.Listen to your intuition this month in bed.Look for a priceless bit of news from a loved one in bed.Look to the coming month for a solution to your problem in bed.Luck is on your side if you have patience in bed.Luck is on your side this month in bed.Luck will visit you on the next new moon in bed.Make the most of a period of relative peace and harmony in bed.Make up your mind and do what you want to do in bed.Make way for new career decisions in bed.Minimize expectations to avoid being disappointed in bed.Next month will be a special month for you in bed.Next month will be hectic, yet delightful in bed.Next week you should unveil your idea. Be ready to act in bed.Now is a good time to start something new in bed.Now is the time to depart from your regular routine in bed.Now is the time to enjoy trying something new in bed.Now is the time to resolve all unfinished business in bed.Opportunities to shine in your career will materialize soon in bed.People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner in bed.People you deal with will be more co-operative than usual in bed.Persistence will lead to a promotion soon in bed.Play it safe next month, and it will be a great one in bed.Re-decorating will be in your plans in bed.Rely on long time friends to give you advice in bed.Resist a temptation to take shortcuts of any kind in bed.Sensitivity makes you special, but also makes you vulnerable in bed.Share your happiness with others today in bed.Solutions will come to you while you are walking in bed.Someone close to you will show you the way in bed.Soon a stranger shall enlighten you in bed.Soon you will encounter a whole new world of opportunity in bed.Striving for the best will bring you the best in bed.Success is a sure thing in bed.Success is yours if you continue on the path you have chosen in bed.Take steps now to ensure success in bed.The evening promises romantic interests in bed.The joys of leisure time will be yours in bed.The sky's the limit this month in bed.The social scene will be a lot more fun today in bed.The star of riches is shining on you in bed.The tide of change approaches in bed.The time is right to make new friends in bed.There is a tendency to carry activities too far in bed.There is new hope for projects you had almost given up on in bed.There will be a change in plans this weekend in bed.This is a month of opportunities, but you must stay alert in bed.To get what you want, you must commit yourself for some time in bed.Trust him, but still keep your eyes open in bed.Tuesdays & Thursdays stack odds in your favour in bed.
Welcome affectionate gestures from friends or lovers in bed.When the daffodils bloom, so will great joy in your life in bed.With renewed energy, accomplish what you can in bed.You and your loved ones will be happy in your life together in bed.You are a bundle of energy, always on the go in bed.You are a person of culture in bed.You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products in bed.You are heading for a land of sunshine and fun in bed.You are kind and trustworthy by nature in bed.You are next in line for promotion in bed.You are sensitively tuned-in to loved ones creative talents in bed.You deserve respect and will eventually get it in bed.You have all the assistance and luck this month to succeed in bed.You have artistic talent; do something creative in bed.You have got a way with words; maximize on it in bed.You shall attain great wisdom with the passing years in bed.You shall soon achieve perfection in bed.You shall soon gain the attention of those who count in bed.You shall soon make a long overdue personal decision in bed.You will be deeply loved in bed.You will be drawn to the glamour of the stage in bed.You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands to in bed.You will be showered with good luck in bed.You will be successful in any gathering in bed.You will be the centre of a special group's attention in bed.You will discover your hidden talents in bed.You will get comfort from a new relationship in bed.You will get the practical help you have been seeking in bed.You will give some thought to a different lifestyle in bed.You will have an enjoyable experience in bed.You will have good luck and overcome any hardships in bed.You will have many friends when you need them in bed.You will help someone in need in bed.You will make a profitable transaction next month in bed.You will obtain your goal if you maintain your course in bed.You will soon be honoured by someone you respect in bed.You will soon be very proud of someone close to you in bed.Your anxieties are beginning to clear in bed.Your belief in the goodness of mankind will be rewarded in bed.Your dearest wish will come true in bed.Your efforts will be well rewarded. Be patient in bed.Your future looks very promising in bed.Your future will be happy and productive in bed.Your home is a pleasant place from which you draw happiness in bed.Your honesty will be recognized in bed.Your kindness to others shall be returned to you threefold in bed.Your love of peace will affect the course of events in bed.Your luck will soon be at a high in bed.Your magnetic personality will draw people to you in bed.Your mastery of every situation will soon prove very important in bed.Your most difficult problems will soon be nothing in bed.Your partner will be proud of you in bed.Your path is difficult, but will be amply rewarded in bed.Your search for knowledge will lead you to high places in bed.Your self-restraint will pay dividends in bed.Your senior years will be happy & successful in bed.Your talents are in fine shape; utilize them to their fullest in bed.Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded in bed.Your talents will soon be recognized in bed.Your winsome smile will be your sure protection in bed.standard workweek."
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY NO!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came
back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"It's March Madness. I know people go crazy for this. ... It's the time of year when college basketball teams are eliminated faster than U.S. attorneys." --Bill Maher "In a stunning new poll in Time magazine, Hillary Clinton's lead has dropped from 19 points over Barack Obama to just seven points. She's now blaming it on a vast left-wing conspiracy." --Jay Leno "According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers "There's a new book coming out about Bill Clinton ... and it says Bill Clinton has had a number of one-night stands in Ireland, France, Taiwan, Rio and London. He flies overseas to have sex. That shows how times have changed. Remember the old days? He didn't even have to leave his desk." --Jay Leno "Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler "The big rumor is that Newt Gingrich may run for president. Newt Gingrich has the best reason to stay out of the Mid East -- he knows they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
+++++++++++++++++++
Embarrassing Traffic Stop
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
+++++++++++++++++++
Church Bulletin BloopersBest of the bloopers 4U...
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.3. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.5. The Pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Church hall. Music will follow.13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir.14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.18. The Associate Minister unveiled the Church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."20. Don't let worry kill you, let the Church help.21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.23. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.24. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.25. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.26. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.27. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All".28. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of his 300th birthday.29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.30. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.31. Twenty-two members were present at the Church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.32. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.33. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"34. Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett.35. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding".36. On a Church bulletin during the minister's illness: "GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better."37. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the Church secretary.38. The 2000 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and May 11.39. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.40. This afternoon, there will be a meeting at the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be baptized at both ends.41. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.42. The Church is glad to have with us today the Rev. Shirley Green and Mrs. Green. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the hanging of the Greens.43. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.44. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the Church basement Saturday.45. Miss Charlette Manson sang, "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.46. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around thehouse. Don't forget your husbands".47. The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.48. The Service this morning: "Jesus walks on the water". The Service tonight: "Searching for Jesus".49. Sarah remains in the hospital and needs donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor David's Sermons.50. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any Church.51. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The Pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".52. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.53. Ushers will eat latecomers.54. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.55. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.56. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.57. Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.58. Evening massage - 6 P.M.59. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.60. Announcement in the Church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals".61. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.62. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 63. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the Church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.64. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.65. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.66. The Church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.67. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.68. Our youth basketball team is back in action on Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.69. Today is the fifth Sunday of Lint.70. If you are blind or unable to understand English, please ask for assistance.71. The men's group will hear a car talk at noon.72. Great news! Doctors have performed a CAT scan on Pastor McLaren's head and report that they have found nothing!73. The Scripture reading today is from the Gospel according to Luck.
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Fortune Cookies - In BedAdd some excitement to your next Fortune Cookie message!At the very least, you too can become a Fortune Cookie writer...
The next time you are with a group of people at a Chinese restaurant, when they bring you the Fortune Cookies, make sure that everyone in your group opens their Fortune Cookie in front of everyone – and reads out their fortune message… BUT at the end of their message, they have to add the words, “In Bed”… here’s what could happen!A change of heart may lead to a new living environment in bed.A certain someone will appear who could enhance your life in bed.A dramatic change of scenery is in store for you in bed.A friend will soon bring you a present in bed.A man with brown eyes has a surprise for you in bed.A new chapter in your life is being written in bed.A newspaper item will soon happily affect you in bed.A personal relationship will become more fulfilling in bed.A romantic interlude may have to be postponed in bed.A short stranger will soon enter your life in bed.A sudden change in plans will lead to good fortune in bed.A windfall is coming for you in bed.A worthy cause will appreciate your generosity in bed.Accept no substitutes for that which is genuine in bed.Accept the next proposition you hear in bed.Affairs of the heart shall bring you deep joy in bed.All goes well with your personal life in bed.An official document will arrive soon in bed.An old friend will be your source of strength in bed.An outgoing attitude is the key to your efforts in bed.An unexpected call could be pleasing to a good friend in bed.Avoid taking unnecessary risks in bed.Back away from individuals who are impulsive in bed.Be patient if some luxuries are not out of your reach in bed.Being on time will aid you to succeed this month in bed.Being the first to try something new could be great in bed.By next month, your added responsibilities will be alleviated in bed.
Catch up with various neglected chores in bed.Children will play an important role in your life in bed. (the Michael Jackson fortune cookie!)Clarity of mind helps in decision making in bed.
Don't be hasty; prosperity will knock on your door soon in bed.Don't lose sight of what you want in bed.
Easy times are ahead for you in bed.Enjoy your good company, they are true friends in bed.Fall shall see all your cares and worries slip away in bed.Family relationships will improve with time in bed.Feelings of goodwill to all should lighten your mood in bed.Find some time to look up some older relatives in bed.Find the road to your happiness by helping others in bed.Follow the advice of your heart in bed.Follow your instincts, they are valid in bed.Functioning superbly will come automatically to you in bed.Give your undivided attention to things that are basic in bed.If planning study or training, now is the time to go ahead in bed.If you have any doubts at all, hold off on decisions in bed.If you have money in hand, spend it on improving yourself in bed.Important associates will be there for you if needed in bed.Important news about your job will come soon in bed.It will take maturity and compromise to manage in bed.Joint ventures work out better than going it alone in bed.Judge one not by his charms, but by his qualities in bed.
Keep a 'go-for-it' attitude and you are sure to be a winner in bed.Keep your plans secret for now in bed.
Let no one cause you to violate your principles in bed.Listen to your intuition this month in bed.Look for a priceless bit of news from a loved one in bed.Look to the coming month for a solution to your problem in bed.Luck is on your side if you have patience in bed.Luck is on your side this month in bed.Luck will visit you on the next new moon in bed.Make the most of a period of relative peace and harmony in bed.Make up your mind and do what you want to do in bed.Make way for new career decisions in bed.Minimize expectations to avoid being disappointed in bed.Next month will be a special month for you in bed.Next month will be hectic, yet delightful in bed.Next week you should unveil your idea. Be ready to act in bed.Now is a good time to start something new in bed.Now is the time to depart from your regular routine in bed.Now is the time to enjoy trying something new in bed.Now is the time to resolve all unfinished business in bed.Opportunities to shine in your career will materialize soon in bed.People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner in bed.People you deal with will be more co-operative than usual in bed.Persistence will lead to a promotion soon in bed.Play it safe next month, and it will be a great one in bed.Re-decorating will be in your plans in bed.Rely on long time friends to give you advice in bed.Resist a temptation to take shortcuts of any kind in bed.Sensitivity makes you special, but also makes you vulnerable in bed.Share your happiness with others today in bed.Solutions will come to you while you are walking in bed.Someone close to you will show you the way in bed.Soon a stranger shall enlighten you in bed.Soon you will encounter a whole new world of opportunity in bed.Striving for the best will bring you the best in bed.Success is a sure thing in bed.Success is yours if you continue on the path you have chosen in bed.Take steps now to ensure success in bed.The evening promises romantic interests in bed.The joys of leisure time will be yours in bed.The sky's the limit this month in bed.The social scene will be a lot more fun today in bed.The star of riches is shining on you in bed.The tide of change approaches in bed.The time is right to make new friends in bed.There is a tendency to carry activities too far in bed.There is new hope for projects you had almost given up on in bed.There will be a change in plans this weekend in bed.This is a month of opportunities, but you must stay alert in bed.To get what you want, you must commit yourself for some time in bed.Trust him, but still keep your eyes open in bed.Tuesdays & Thursdays stack odds in your favour in bed.
Welcome affectionate gestures from friends or lovers in bed.When the daffodils bloom, so will great joy in your life in bed.With renewed energy, accomplish what you can in bed.You and your loved ones will be happy in your life together in bed.You are a bundle of energy, always on the go in bed.You are a person of culture in bed.You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products in bed.You are heading for a land of sunshine and fun in bed.You are kind and trustworthy by nature in bed.You are next in line for promotion in bed.You are sensitively tuned-in to loved ones creative talents in bed.You deserve respect and will eventually get it in bed.You have all the assistance and luck this month to succeed in bed.You have artistic talent; do something creative in bed.You have got a way with words; maximize on it in bed.You shall attain great wisdom with the passing years in bed.You shall soon achieve perfection in bed.You shall soon gain the attention of those who count in bed.You shall soon make a long overdue personal decision in bed.You will be deeply loved in bed.You will be drawn to the glamour of the stage in bed.You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands to in bed.You will be showered with good luck in bed.You will be successful in any gathering in bed.You will be the centre of a special group's attention in bed.You will discover your hidden talents in bed.You will get comfort from a new relationship in bed.You will get the practical help you have been seeking in bed.You will give some thought to a different lifestyle in bed.You will have an enjoyable experience in bed.You will have good luck and overcome any hardships in bed.You will have many friends when you need them in bed.You will help someone in need in bed.You will make a profitable transaction next month in bed.You will obtain your goal if you maintain your course in bed.You will soon be honoured by someone you respect in bed.You will soon be very proud of someone close to you in bed.Your anxieties are beginning to clear in bed.Your belief in the goodness of mankind will be rewarded in bed.Your dearest wish will come true in bed.Your efforts will be well rewarded. Be patient in bed.Your future looks very promising in bed.Your future will be happy and productive in bed.Your home is a pleasant place from which you draw happiness in bed.Your honesty will be recognized in bed.Your kindness to others shall be returned to you threefold in bed.Your love of peace will affect the course of events in bed.Your luck will soon be at a high in bed.Your magnetic personality will draw people to you in bed.Your mastery of every situation will soon prove very important in bed.Your most difficult problems will soon be nothing in bed.Your partner will be proud of you in bed.Your path is difficult, but will be amply rewarded in bed.Your search for knowledge will lead you to high places in bed.Your self-restraint will pay dividends in bed.Your senior years will be happy & successful in bed.Your talents are in fine shape; utilize them to their fullest in bed.Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded in bed.Your talents will soon be recognized in bed.Your winsome smile will be your sure protection in bed.standard workweek."
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