"Jar 47"
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr.
Thompson was cured and fled the room!
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Maytag"
Maytag is my middle name; I'm an agitator.
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of Black November:
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n
pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the
sink;
"And then comes the worst part," he said, not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with
stuffing."
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice, and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates, and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough, when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound.
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming..."
Happy Thanksgiving
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 22nd
"Golf Questions"
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Nadine: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Nadine: I thought I asked legitimate questions.. like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working." - Pablo Picasso
+++++++++++++++++++
"Life Change"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Little Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Little Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
+++++++++++++++++++
I Am Thankful.....
...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
...for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been
surrounded by friends.
...for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have
enough to eat.
...for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and
gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
...for all the complaining I hear about the government because it
means we have freedom of speech.
...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it
means I am capable of walking.
...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it
means that I can hear.
...for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have
clothes to wear.
...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it
means I have been productive.
...for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it
means that I am alive.
...for getting too much email because it lets me know I have friends
who are thinking of me.
+++++++++++++++++++
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked
him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's
the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered
gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Danny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom,
"Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Danny."
Danny says, "I can see why they threw him out."
+++++++++++++++++++
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football
game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle,
the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.
Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer
called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and
innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanksgiving Recipes by Kids
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills
resulting from use of her cookbook.
Vernie-I am a Turkey
Ivette - Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in
the pie. Then you eat it.
Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300
degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you
put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then
you invite people over and eat.
Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10
hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.
Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15
minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after
5 minutes, then you eat it.
Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the
oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15
hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.
Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on
it and eat it.
Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the
oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off.
Then it's time to eat them.
Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for
1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad
cuts it and then eat.
Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours
at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.
Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19
degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.
Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9
minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.
Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put
brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then
you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan.
Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you
take it out of the oven and then you eat it.
Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the
oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates
and then you eat it.
Jordan S - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add
the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.
Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then you eat it.
Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it
all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then
you eat it.
Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees.
Then you cut it up and you eat it.
Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.
Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put
dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5
degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and
bring it with you. Then you eat it.
Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35
degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.
Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with
it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape.
Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.
Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook
it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then eat it.
Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.
Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat it.
Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan.
Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it.
Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on
a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of
the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more
salsa on it. Then you eat it.
Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then
put it on a plate. Then eat.
Siera - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon.
Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.
Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1
hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.
Tommy - Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin
Wai - Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Nadine: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Nadine: I thought I asked legitimate questions.. like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working." - Pablo Picasso
+++++++++++++++++++
"Life Change"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Little Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Little Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
+++++++++++++++++++
I Am Thankful.....
...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
...for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been
surrounded by friends.
...for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have
enough to eat.
...for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and
gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
...for all the complaining I hear about the government because it
means we have freedom of speech.
...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it
means I am capable of walking.
...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it
means that I can hear.
...for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have
clothes to wear.
...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it
means I have been productive.
...for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it
means that I am alive.
...for getting too much email because it lets me know I have friends
who are thinking of me.
+++++++++++++++++++
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked
him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's
the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered
gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Danny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom,
"Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Danny."
Danny says, "I can see why they threw him out."
+++++++++++++++++++
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football
game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle,
the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.
Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer
called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and
innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanksgiving Recipes by Kids
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills
resulting from use of her cookbook.
Vernie-I am a Turkey
Ivette - Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in
the pie. Then you eat it.
Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300
degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you
put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then
you invite people over and eat.
Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10
hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.
Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15
minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after
5 minutes, then you eat it.
Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the
oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15
hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.
Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on
it and eat it.
Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the
oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off.
Then it's time to eat them.
Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for
1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad
cuts it and then eat.
Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours
at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.
Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19
degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.
Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9
minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.
Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put
brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then
you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan.
Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you
take it out of the oven and then you eat it.
Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the
oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates
and then you eat it.
Jordan S - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add
the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.
Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then you eat it.
Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it
all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then
you eat it.
Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees.
Then you cut it up and you eat it.
Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.
Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put
dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5
degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and
bring it with you. Then you eat it.
Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35
degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.
Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with
it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape.
Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.
Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook
it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then eat it.
Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.
Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat it.
Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan.
Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it.
Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on
a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of
the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more
salsa on it. Then you eat it.
Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then
put it on a plate. Then eat.
Siera - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon.
Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.
Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1
hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.
Tommy - Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin
Wai - Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 21st
"Razor Request"
Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"
The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"
Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I might could defend myself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Gas prices are so high that when this college girl pulled into a gas station and asked for 2 dollar's worth, the attendant dabbed some behind her ears."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Park Rules "
Here's another great pun from Stan Kegel.
I took my two sons, ages seven and five, to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud that he was able to read to his brother the sign with all the rules posted for the playground.
"1. Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"2. Go down the slide while sitting only."
"3. Only one child on a swing at a time."
There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without me standing by to watch. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if I stayed.
I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions.
I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one... They would each get on the tall semicircular slide and slide down head-first or backward.
Angrily, I walked to the children and escorted them over to the posted regulations. I asked my seven year old read to them aloud once again - paying special attention to the rules about the slide. Then I asked them what they had to say for themselves.
My five year old answered immediately: "Don't be silly Daddy - they don't use slide rules anymore. (By Stan Kegel)
+++++++++++++++++++
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner
at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the
table as the food was being served. When little Logan
received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded
him.
"I don't need to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer
before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is
Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Chicken Literacy
Beware of chickens in public libraries...
A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.
Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.
About an hour later the two birds march back in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!”
The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.
She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit...”
Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"
The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"
Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I might could defend myself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Gas prices are so high that when this college girl pulled into a gas station and asked for 2 dollar's worth, the attendant dabbed some behind her ears."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Park Rules "
Here's another great pun from Stan Kegel.
I took my two sons, ages seven and five, to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud that he was able to read to his brother the sign with all the rules posted for the playground.
"1. Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"2. Go down the slide while sitting only."
"3. Only one child on a swing at a time."
There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without me standing by to watch. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if I stayed.
I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions.
I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one... They would each get on the tall semicircular slide and slide down head-first or backward.
Angrily, I walked to the children and escorted them over to the posted regulations. I asked my seven year old read to them aloud once again - paying special attention to the rules about the slide. Then I asked them what they had to say for themselves.
My five year old answered immediately: "Don't be silly Daddy - they don't use slide rules anymore. (By Stan Kegel)
+++++++++++++++++++
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner
at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the
table as the food was being served. When little Logan
received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded
him.
"I don't need to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer
before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is
Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Chicken Literacy
Beware of chickens in public libraries...
A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.
Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.
About an hour later the two birds march back in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!”
The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.
She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit...”
Monday, November 20, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 20th
I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a
call from an Individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were talking and one says to the other, "You'll never believe this.
If you play an AOL CD backwards you can hear all kinds of evil and Satanic
messages."
His friend replies, "That's nothing. If you play it forwards it installs
AOL.
+++++++++++++++++++
I experiencing Deja Vu. I experiencing Deja Vu.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Clerk Problem"
In a department store, Sandra and a patient clerk were having a hard time getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable. Finally, Sandra said in annoyance, "Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"
"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you coming and left."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together."
- Vesta M. Kelly
+++++++++++++++++++
"Security"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full uniform, was in line in front of him.
As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.
Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.
"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.
Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Label Warning"
My in-laws gave us a beautiful knife set--top quality.
The accompanying cutting board, however, was a different story.
On the wrapping around it was printed this warning: "Opening with sharp object may damage this product."
+++++++++++++++++++
A member of the Vatican staff announced at a church service that the Pope
had contracted the Avian Flu.
A member of the congregation raised his hand, stood, and asked if the staff
member had meant to say Asian Flu.
The staff member said that Avian Flu was the correct term. The Pope had
contracted it from a Cardinal.
+++++++++++++++++++
A minister was disappointed when he took up the collection from his
congregation. All in all, it was quite skimpy.
"You know you can't take it with you." he told them. "But if you put it in
the plate, I'll send it on ahead."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for
it." - Abraham Lincoln
call from an Individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were talking and one says to the other, "You'll never believe this.
If you play an AOL CD backwards you can hear all kinds of evil and Satanic
messages."
His friend replies, "That's nothing. If you play it forwards it installs
AOL.
+++++++++++++++++++
I experiencing Deja Vu. I experiencing Deja Vu.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Clerk Problem"
In a department store, Sandra and a patient clerk were having a hard time getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable. Finally, Sandra said in annoyance, "Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"
"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you coming and left."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together."
- Vesta M. Kelly
+++++++++++++++++++
"Security"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full uniform, was in line in front of him.
As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.
Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.
"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.
Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Label Warning"
My in-laws gave us a beautiful knife set--top quality.
The accompanying cutting board, however, was a different story.
On the wrapping around it was printed this warning: "Opening with sharp object may damage this product."
+++++++++++++++++++
A member of the Vatican staff announced at a church service that the Pope
had contracted the Avian Flu.
A member of the congregation raised his hand, stood, and asked if the staff
member had meant to say Asian Flu.
The staff member said that Avian Flu was the correct term. The Pope had
contracted it from a Cardinal.
+++++++++++++++++++
A minister was disappointed when he took up the collection from his
congregation. All in all, it was quite skimpy.
"You know you can't take it with you." he told them. "But if you put it in
the plate, I'll send it on ahead."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for
it." - Abraham Lincoln
Sunday, November 19, 2006
hUMOR For Nov.19th
Man of the House
A man had just finished reading the book "Man of the House" while
riding the commuter train home from work.
When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly
up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now
on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is
law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And
when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral director is
my guess.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Eggplant Sale"
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea.--three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money in prolonging the problem."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Prison Cupboards"
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.
The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.
And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Well, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mom was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up, and he thought this was
a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into
trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a
bike for his birthday. "Of course," he said.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to
reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your
room, Leroy, and think about how you've behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a
bike for your birthday."
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down
to write God a letter.
Letter 1: "Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year,
and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy."
Leroy knew this was not true, so he tore the letter up and
wrote a new one.
Letter 2: "Dear God, I have been an okay boy this year. I
still would like a bike for my birthday. Leroy."
This letter was no good either.
Letter 3: "Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this
year. I am very sorry, and I will be a good boy next year if
you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please. Thank you.
Leroy."
Leroy knew this wasn't true, and now he was getting upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he needed to go to
church. She thought her plan had worked and told him to be
home in time for dinner.
Leroy walked into the church and went to the altar. He
looked around to see if anyone was watching. He bent down,
picked up the statue of the Virgin Mary, and slipped it
under his coat.
Letter 4: "Dear God, I got your mama. If you want to see her
again, send the bike. Signed, You know who."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Gift
by Robert Byron
"Are you going to throw that away?"
"Yes I am. Do you want it?" asked the supervisor.
"Sure, I'll take it," replied Sam.
Sam was a poor carpenter who never had much. He had been saving substandard
and scrap building materials for years from the jobs he worked. His plan was
to save enough material to someday build a house for his family.
One Sunday morning as Sam and his family went to church, they arrived to
find out that lightening had struck the church building. The congregation
stood by the charred remains of their beloved place of worship. Many tears
were being shed. "I don't know how we will be able to rebuild the church,"
remarked the pastor. "There is no money to buy materials."
That night, Sam loaded up his old pickup truck with the substandard and
scrap material he had been collecting over the years. He made several tips
to the burned out church and neatly stacked all of the material in the
churchyard.
The next morning, the pastor, the associate pastor, the elders and deacons
met at the church to decide what they should do about finding a new place to
worship. They were quite surprised upon their arrival to find a churchyard
full of building materials.
"This plywood is all warped," said the associate pastor.
"These two by fours are bent," said a deacon.
"The sheet rock is chipped," said an elder.
"It appears that our prayers have been answered," said the pastor. "Lets
rebuild the church."
Everyone looked at the pastor as if he was out of his mind but, nonetheless,
a church was built with the material. The congregation was thankful that
they had a place to meet even though the building leaned slightly to one
side. Sam the carpenter was glad he had helped the church. Although everyone
wondered who had donated the substandard supplies, Sam never told anyone
that it was he and forever his gift remained anonymous.
The moral of this story is simply this:
If you donate your junk to the church, don't tell anybody.
A man had just finished reading the book "Man of the House" while
riding the commuter train home from work.
When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly
up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now
on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is
law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And
when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral director is
my guess.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Eggplant Sale"
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea.--three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money in prolonging the problem."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Prison Cupboards"
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.
The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.
And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Well, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mom was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up, and he thought this was
a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into
trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a
bike for his birthday. "Of course," he said.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to
reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your
room, Leroy, and think about how you've behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a
bike for your birthday."
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down
to write God a letter.
Letter 1: "Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year,
and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy."
Leroy knew this was not true, so he tore the letter up and
wrote a new one.
Letter 2: "Dear God, I have been an okay boy this year. I
still would like a bike for my birthday. Leroy."
This letter was no good either.
Letter 3: "Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this
year. I am very sorry, and I will be a good boy next year if
you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please. Thank you.
Leroy."
Leroy knew this wasn't true, and now he was getting upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he needed to go to
church. She thought her plan had worked and told him to be
home in time for dinner.
Leroy walked into the church and went to the altar. He
looked around to see if anyone was watching. He bent down,
picked up the statue of the Virgin Mary, and slipped it
under his coat.
Letter 4: "Dear God, I got your mama. If you want to see her
again, send the bike. Signed, You know who."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Gift
by Robert Byron
"Are you going to throw that away?"
"Yes I am. Do you want it?" asked the supervisor.
"Sure, I'll take it," replied Sam.
Sam was a poor carpenter who never had much. He had been saving substandard
and scrap building materials for years from the jobs he worked. His plan was
to save enough material to someday build a house for his family.
One Sunday morning as Sam and his family went to church, they arrived to
find out that lightening had struck the church building. The congregation
stood by the charred remains of their beloved place of worship. Many tears
were being shed. "I don't know how we will be able to rebuild the church,"
remarked the pastor. "There is no money to buy materials."
That night, Sam loaded up his old pickup truck with the substandard and
scrap material he had been collecting over the years. He made several tips
to the burned out church and neatly stacked all of the material in the
churchyard.
The next morning, the pastor, the associate pastor, the elders and deacons
met at the church to decide what they should do about finding a new place to
worship. They were quite surprised upon their arrival to find a churchyard
full of building materials.
"This plywood is all warped," said the associate pastor.
"These two by fours are bent," said a deacon.
"The sheet rock is chipped," said an elder.
"It appears that our prayers have been answered," said the pastor. "Lets
rebuild the church."
Everyone looked at the pastor as if he was out of his mind but, nonetheless,
a church was built with the material. The congregation was thankful that
they had a place to meet even though the building leaned slightly to one
side. Sam the carpenter was glad he had helped the church. Although everyone
wondered who had donated the substandard supplies, Sam never told anyone
that it was he and forever his gift remained anonymous.
The moral of this story is simply this:
If you donate your junk to the church, don't tell anybody.
Friday, November 17, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 17th
Driving my seven-year-old to school today, I was plugging in
my iPod, and she said, "I want to hear Back in Black," from
one of the Men in Black sound tracks.
I said, "No, I'm in the mood for something classical."
"But I don't want Mozart," she replied.
"How about Rachmaninov?" I suggested, but she remained
silent.
The Best of Rachmaninov started playing and she objected, "I
said I don't want to hear Mozart."
"It's not Mozart -- it's Rachmaninov," I replied.
"Well," she said indignantly, "I don't hear the 'rock'
part."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had just moved into my new apartment and had a phone installed. At that
time in Green Bay, the taverns closed at 2:00 am. At 2:00 am the phone
rang, and a slurring voice asked," Ish Sharlie there?"
Groggily I replied, "You have the wrong number, there's no Charlie here!"
and hung up.
Three minutes later the phone rang again. "Hey Sharlie, come on en get me!"
Once again I replied, "You have the wrong number, there is no Charlie here."
A few more minutes passed, and once again the phone rang. Realizing this
could go on all night I said, "Charlie can't come to the phone right now.
Call a cab and he will pay for it when you get here!"
I then sat up the rest of the night, afraid that the phone number had been
for the new apartment, and I would soon have a drunk on my doorstep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter,
another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came.
Finally Dr. Bernard sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately
strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the
back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you
owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a
gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat. On the back of the photograph the
patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money isn't everything. There's also credit cards, money orders, and
travelers checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Police Pastor"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.” He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."
- Helen Keller
+++++++++++++++++++
"Human Nature"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Brain Teasers
A puzzle-ing assortment 4U...
QUESTIONS
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching…
6. Count the “F’s” in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
5. The letter 'e' (the most common in the English language), does not appear once in the paragraph.
6. Do you think there are three? There are six F’s. Most people - especially speed readers - miss (or pass by) the 'OF' words... But if you did come up with 6 F's right away - you're either a very slow reader or you've been reading too many joe-ks!
+++++++++++++++++++
Psychiatric Office Answering Machine
Mental Hospital Hotline - tell someone who cares...
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Seniors Having Babies
Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby...
[With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit...]
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“Because I forgot where I put him.”
my iPod, and she said, "I want to hear Back in Black," from
one of the Men in Black sound tracks.
I said, "No, I'm in the mood for something classical."
"But I don't want Mozart," she replied.
"How about Rachmaninov?" I suggested, but she remained
silent.
The Best of Rachmaninov started playing and she objected, "I
said I don't want to hear Mozart."
"It's not Mozart -- it's Rachmaninov," I replied.
"Well," she said indignantly, "I don't hear the 'rock'
part."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had just moved into my new apartment and had a phone installed. At that
time in Green Bay, the taverns closed at 2:00 am. At 2:00 am the phone
rang, and a slurring voice asked," Ish Sharlie there?"
Groggily I replied, "You have the wrong number, there's no Charlie here!"
and hung up.
Three minutes later the phone rang again. "Hey Sharlie, come on en get me!"
Once again I replied, "You have the wrong number, there is no Charlie here."
A few more minutes passed, and once again the phone rang. Realizing this
could go on all night I said, "Charlie can't come to the phone right now.
Call a cab and he will pay for it when you get here!"
I then sat up the rest of the night, afraid that the phone number had been
for the new apartment, and I would soon have a drunk on my doorstep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter,
another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came.
Finally Dr. Bernard sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately
strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the
back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you
owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a
gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat. On the back of the photograph the
patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money isn't everything. There's also credit cards, money orders, and
travelers checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Police Pastor"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.” He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."
- Helen Keller
+++++++++++++++++++
"Human Nature"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Brain Teasers
A puzzle-ing assortment 4U...
QUESTIONS
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching…
6. Count the “F’s” in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
5. The letter 'e' (the most common in the English language), does not appear once in the paragraph.
6. Do you think there are three? There are six F’s. Most people - especially speed readers - miss (or pass by) the 'OF' words... But if you did come up with 6 F's right away - you're either a very slow reader or you've been reading too many joe-ks!
+++++++++++++++++++
Psychiatric Office Answering Machine
Mental Hospital Hotline - tell someone who cares...
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Seniors Having Babies
Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby...
[With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit...]
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“Because I forgot where I put him.”
Thursday, November 16, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 15th
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
/////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
/////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
*************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
///////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
+++++++++++++++++++
"Football Signals"
A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.
On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Wallet Return"
Today's particular pun is very long and a real groaner, so if you don't like puns or have been experienceing stomach problems today, you may like to skip it.
An extremely red-faced man stormed into the tiny shop on the corner of Lingot and Main.
Pushing his way past the assorted browsers, he bore down on the sales counter like a Scud missile.
The lone clerk regarded him with some trepidation.
I want to speak to the manager,'' he demanded.
''I'm sorry Sir, Mr. Mowbray isn't in today. Is there anything I can help you with?'' "You're right there is," he sputtered.
He reached into his pants pocket, extracted a tattered wallet and slammed it down on the counter.
''I bought this piece of garbage here only two months ago and now look at it. It's falling apart. Forty-nine ninety-five it cost me! Forty-nine ninety-five,''he added for more emphasis. "Can you believe that?'' His face was getting redder.
The clerk wasn't sure what to say to him. She only hoped the top of his head stayed put.
She picked up the wallet and examined it.
''Yes, Sir, it certainly isn't in very good shape. And you say you've only had it for two months?"
''That's what I said. Two months and it falls apart. And you know what else?'' ''No,'' she answered cautiously. ''What?'' ''It isn't even leather. You ripped me off. It looks like leather, feels like leather, even smells like it. But I'm a monkey's uncle if it is. And you charge me almost fifty dollars for it."
He was sputtering badly now.
''That's highway robbery and I don't intend to let you get away with it.'' ''Well ... what exactly are you looking for?"
"I want my money back, every cent of it.'' “Do you have your receipt?'' He opened the wallet and produced the slip.
She examined it.
“I’m afraid there's nothing I can do.'' The top of his head seemed to rise above his crimson ears.
”What do you mean?” he bellowed. ''I have my receipt, the goods were defective and I want restitution.
Do you understand?"
''Yes, of course I understand but as I just told you, there's nothing I can do.” She was more confident now.
”What kind of store is this? I buy something in good faith and when it falls apart prematurely you refuse to give me satisfaction. Is that the kind of operation you're running?"
"It's not that simple Sir. We are indeed a reputable firm but in this case, well, ... I'm sorry.'' His sputtering had shifted into high gear and he was showering the clerk with spit.
”Sorry ... sorry? That's all? Perhaps you'd explain just why you insist on treating me like this."
She pointed to the receipt.
"Did you read the fine print?'' He was dumbfounded.
”What fine print?"
''Here, just below the total."
She pointed to it like a teacher in a class of maddeningly slow learners.
''See,'' she said, ”All Sales Are Vinyl.''
/////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
/////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
*************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
///////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
+++++++++++++++++++
"Football Signals"
A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.
On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Wallet Return"
Today's particular pun is very long and a real groaner, so if you don't like puns or have been experienceing stomach problems today, you may like to skip it.
An extremely red-faced man stormed into the tiny shop on the corner of Lingot and Main.
Pushing his way past the assorted browsers, he bore down on the sales counter like a Scud missile.
The lone clerk regarded him with some trepidation.
I want to speak to the manager,'' he demanded.
''I'm sorry Sir, Mr. Mowbray isn't in today. Is there anything I can help you with?'' "You're right there is," he sputtered.
He reached into his pants pocket, extracted a tattered wallet and slammed it down on the counter.
''I bought this piece of garbage here only two months ago and now look at it. It's falling apart. Forty-nine ninety-five it cost me! Forty-nine ninety-five,''he added for more emphasis. "Can you believe that?'' His face was getting redder.
The clerk wasn't sure what to say to him. She only hoped the top of his head stayed put.
She picked up the wallet and examined it.
''Yes, Sir, it certainly isn't in very good shape. And you say you've only had it for two months?"
''That's what I said. Two months and it falls apart. And you know what else?'' ''No,'' she answered cautiously. ''What?'' ''It isn't even leather. You ripped me off. It looks like leather, feels like leather, even smells like it. But I'm a monkey's uncle if it is. And you charge me almost fifty dollars for it."
He was sputtering badly now.
''That's highway robbery and I don't intend to let you get away with it.'' ''Well ... what exactly are you looking for?"
"I want my money back, every cent of it.'' “Do you have your receipt?'' He opened the wallet and produced the slip.
She examined it.
“I’m afraid there's nothing I can do.'' The top of his head seemed to rise above his crimson ears.
”What do you mean?” he bellowed. ''I have my receipt, the goods were defective and I want restitution.
Do you understand?"
''Yes, of course I understand but as I just told you, there's nothing I can do.” She was more confident now.
”What kind of store is this? I buy something in good faith and when it falls apart prematurely you refuse to give me satisfaction. Is that the kind of operation you're running?"
"It's not that simple Sir. We are indeed a reputable firm but in this case, well, ... I'm sorry.'' His sputtering had shifted into high gear and he was showering the clerk with spit.
”Sorry ... sorry? That's all? Perhaps you'd explain just why you insist on treating me like this."
She pointed to the receipt.
"Did you read the fine print?'' He was dumbfounded.
”What fine print?"
''Here, just below the total."
She pointed to it like a teacher in a class of maddeningly slow learners.
''See,'' she said, ”All Sales Are Vinyl.''
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 15th
Driving my seven-year-old to school today, I was plugging in
my iPod, and she said, "I want to hear Back in Black," from
one of the Men in Black sound tracks.
I said, "No, I'm in the mood for something classical."
"But I don't want Mozart," she replied.
"How about Rachmaninov?" I suggested, but she remained
silent.
The Best of Rachmaninov started playing and she objected, "I
said I don't want to hear Mozart."
"It's not Mozart -- it's Rachmaninov," I replied.
"Well," she said indignantly, "I don't hear the 'rock'
part."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had just moved into my new apartment and had a phone installed. At that
time in Green Bay, the taverns closed at 2:00 am. At 2:00 am the phone
rang, and a slurring voice asked," Ish Sharlie there?"
Groggily I replied, "You have the wrong number, there's no Charlie here!"
and hung up.
Three minutes later the phone rang again. "Hey Sharlie, come on en get me!"
Once again I replied, "You have the wrong number, there is no Charlie here."
A few more minutes passed, and once again the phone rang. Realizing this
could go on all night I said, "Charlie can't come to the phone right now.
Call a cab and he will pay for it when you get here!"
I then sat up the rest of the night, afraid that the phone number had been
for the new apartment, and I would soon have a drunk on my doorstep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter,
another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came.
Finally Dr. Bernard sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately
strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the
back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you
owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a
gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat. On the back of the photograph the
patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money isn't everything. There's also credit cards, money orders, and
travelers checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Police Pastor"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.” He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."
- Helen Keller
+++++++++++++++++++
"Human Nature"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Brain Teasers
A puzzle-ing assortment 4U...
QUESTIONS
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching…
6. Count the “F’s” in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
5. The letter 'e' (the most common in the English language), does not appear once in the paragraph.
6. Do you think there are three? There are six F’s. Most people - especially speed readers - miss (or pass by) the 'OF' words... But if you did come up with 6 F's right away - you're either a very slow reader or you've been reading too many joe-ks!
+++++++++++++++++++
Psychiatric Office Answering Machine
Mental Hospital Hotline - tell someone who cares...
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Seniors Having Babies
Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby...
[With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit...]
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“Because I forgot where I put him.”
my iPod, and she said, "I want to hear Back in Black," from
one of the Men in Black sound tracks.
I said, "No, I'm in the mood for something classical."
"But I don't want Mozart," she replied.
"How about Rachmaninov?" I suggested, but she remained
silent.
The Best of Rachmaninov started playing and she objected, "I
said I don't want to hear Mozart."
"It's not Mozart -- it's Rachmaninov," I replied.
"Well," she said indignantly, "I don't hear the 'rock'
part."
+++++++++++++++++++
I had just moved into my new apartment and had a phone installed. At that
time in Green Bay, the taverns closed at 2:00 am. At 2:00 am the phone
rang, and a slurring voice asked," Ish Sharlie there?"
Groggily I replied, "You have the wrong number, there's no Charlie here!"
and hung up.
Three minutes later the phone rang again. "Hey Sharlie, come on en get me!"
Once again I replied, "You have the wrong number, there is no Charlie here."
A few more minutes passed, and once again the phone rang. Realizing this
could go on all night I said, "Charlie can't come to the phone right now.
Call a cab and he will pay for it when you get here!"
I then sat up the rest of the night, afraid that the phone number had been
for the new apartment, and I would soon have a drunk on my doorstep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter,
another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came.
Finally Dr. Bernard sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately
strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter. On the
back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you
owe me!"
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a
gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat. On the back of the photograph the
patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Money isn't everything. There's also credit cards, money orders, and
travelers checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Police Pastor"
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.” He got the job.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."
- Helen Keller
+++++++++++++++++++
"Human Nature"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Brain Teasers
A puzzle-ing assortment 4U...
QUESTIONS
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it!
It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching…
6. Count the “F’s” in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
5. The letter 'e' (the most common in the English language), does not appear once in the paragraph.
6. Do you think there are three? There are six F’s. Most people - especially speed readers - miss (or pass by) the 'OF' words... But if you did come up with 6 F's right away - you're either a very slow reader or you've been reading too many joe-ks!
+++++++++++++++++++
Psychiatric Office Answering Machine
Mental Hospital Hotline - tell someone who cares...
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Seniors Having Babies
Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby...
[With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit...]
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES?” they demanded to know why.
“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”
“Because I forgot where I put him.”
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 14th
"Still More Bulletin Bloopers"
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"
Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.
Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus
Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.
Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.
What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.
The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"An employer is someone who is late when you're early and early when you're late."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Benefit"
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
+++++++++++++++++++
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in
court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked,
"Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled
up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."
+++++++++++++++++++
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a
camp fire with a whole book of matches?
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"
Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.
Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus
Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.
Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.
What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.
The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"An employer is someone who is late when you're early and early when you're late."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Benefit"
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
+++++++++++++++++++
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in
court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked,
"Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled
up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."
+++++++++++++++++++
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a
camp fire with a whole book of matches?
Monday, November 13, 2006
hYUNIR Fir Niv, 13th
A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with
his father. So mush so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.
On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing,
the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"
+++++++++++++++++++
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence
to remember the faithful dead...
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his
father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that
rule when Jesus was born." - Elayne Boosler
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tow Request"
The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher."
"I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."
+++++++++++++++++++
School Homework Policy
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should
be budgeted in the following manner:
• 15 minutes looking for assignment
• 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
• 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children
• 8 minutes in the bathroom
• 10 minutes getting a snack
• 7 minutes checking the TV Guide
• 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment
• 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment
LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS
These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long
term". It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30PM and ends
at 11:50PM - or later. It is important that the whole family is involved in
the project. It is imperative that at least one family member races to
Walmart/KMart for posterboard, and that at least one family member ends up
in tears (does not have to be the student).
One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent
needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
"Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/"
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
+++++++++++++++++++
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and
current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?______________________________
If No, EXPLAIN ______________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________
_______________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That
means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________
c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
AND RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your
application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might
want to watch your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?:
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
his father. So mush so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.
On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing,
the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"
+++++++++++++++++++
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence
to remember the faithful dead...
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his
father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that
rule when Jesus was born." - Elayne Boosler
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tow Request"
The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher."
"I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."
+++++++++++++++++++
School Homework Policy
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should
be budgeted in the following manner:
• 15 minutes looking for assignment
• 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
• 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children
• 8 minutes in the bathroom
• 10 minutes getting a snack
• 7 minutes checking the TV Guide
• 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment
• 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment
LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS
These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long
term". It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30PM and ends
at 11:50PM - or later. It is important that the whole family is involved in
the project. It is imperative that at least one family member races to
Walmart/KMart for posterboard, and that at least one family member ends up
in tears (does not have to be the student).
One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent
needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
"Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/"
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
+++++++++++++++++++
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and
current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?______________________________
If No, EXPLAIN ______________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________
_______________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ______________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That
means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________
c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
AND RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your
application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might
want to watch your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?:
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
Sunday, November 12, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 12th
"Last One Comeback"
A widow, recently married to a widower, was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more," the other woman replied.
"What stopped him?" asked the first.
"I started talking about my next husband," replied the second woman.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
- Galileo Galilei
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?"
Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"
+++++++++++++++++++
While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA
system:
"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no ID.
Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer
service counter?"
+++++++++++++++++++
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back
during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're
outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
+++++++++++++++++++
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you
can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for
dinner." - Scott E. Frank
A widow, recently married to a widower, was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more," the other woman replied.
"What stopped him?" asked the first.
"I started talking about my next husband," replied the second woman.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
- Galileo Galilei
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dating"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?"
Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"
+++++++++++++++++++
While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA
system:
"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no ID.
Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer
service counter?"
+++++++++++++++++++
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back
during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're
outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
+++++++++++++++++++
"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you
can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for
dinner." - Scott E. Frank
Saturday, November 11, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 11th
"Friendly Golf"
Two friends were beginning a game of golf.
The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball, and scored a hole-in-one.
The other man said, "Now I'll take MY practice swing, and then we'll start the game."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says, "Pretend it's your IQ."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Payment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
+++++++++++++++++++
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at
Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess
hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he
sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this
mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked,
"What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates
yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Sleep-talking
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions;
his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back,
"Four fifty!"
Two friends were beginning a game of golf.
The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball, and scored a hole-in-one.
The other man said, "Now I'll take MY practice swing, and then we'll start the game."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says, "Pretend it's your IQ."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Payment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
+++++++++++++++++++
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at
Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess
hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he
sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this
mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked,
"What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates
yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Sleep-talking
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions;
his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back,
"Four fifty!"
Friday, November 10, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 10th
Insufficient Brain Activity
A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with "IBA" or Insufficient Brain Activity, read their
email with their hand on the mouse.
(Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
\+++++++++++++++++++
A Marine on Duty
I just wanted to get the day over with and go down to Smokey's for a
few cold ones. Sneaking a look at my watch, I saw the time, 1655.
Five minutes to go. Full dress was hot in the August sun. Oklahoma
summertime was as bad as ever -- the heat and humidity at the same
level -- both too high.
I saw the car pull into the drive, '69 or '70 model Cadillac Deville,
looked factory-new. It pulled into the parking lot at a snail's pace.
An old woman got out so slow I thought she was paralyzed. She had a
cane and a sheaf of flowers, about four or five bunches as best I
could tell. I couldn't help myself. The thought came unwanted, and
left a slightly bitter taste: "She's going to spend an hour, my hip
hurts like hell and I'm ready to get out of here right now!"
But my duty was to assist anyone coming in. Kevin would lock the "in"
gate and if I could hurry the old biddy along, we might make the last
half of happy hour.
I broke Post Attention. My hip made gritty noises when I took the
first step and the pain went up a notch. I must have made a real
military sight; middle-aged man with a small pot-gut and half a limp,
in Marine Full Dress Uniform, which had lost its razor crease about
30 minutes after I began the watch at the cemetery.
I stopped in front of her, halfway up the walk. She looked up at me
with an old woman's squint. "Ma'am, may I assist you in any way?"
She took long enough to answer. "Yes, son. Can you carry these
flowers? I seem to be moving a tad slow these days."
"My pleasure Ma'am." Well, it wasn't too much of a lie.
She looked again. "Marine, where were you stationed?"
"Vietnam, Ma'am. Ground-pounder. '69 to '71."
She looked at me closer. "Wounded in action, I see. Well done,
Marine. I'll be as quick as I can."
I lied a little bigger. "No hurry, Ma'am."
She smiled, and winked at me. "Son, I'm 85-years old and I can tell a
lie from a long way off. Let's get this done. Might be the last time
I can do this. My name's Joanne Wieserman, and I've a few Marines I'd
like to see one more time."
"Yes, Ma'am. At your service."
She headed for the World War I section, stopping at a stone. She
picked one of the bunches out of my arm and laid it on top of the
stone. She murmured something I couldn't quite make out. The name on
the marble was Donald S. Davidson, USMC, France 1918.
She turned away and made a straight line for the World War II
section, stopping at one stone. I saw a tear slowly tracking its way
down her cheek.
She put a bunch on a stone; the name was Stephen X. Davidson, USMC, 1943.
She went up the row a ways and laid another bunch on a stone, Stanley
J. Wieserman USMC, 1944.
She paused for a second, "Two more, son, and we'll be done."
I almost didn't say anything, but, "Yes, Ma'am. Take your time."
She looked confused. "Where's the Vietnam section, son? I seem to
have lost my way."
I pointed with my chin. "That way, Ma'am."
"Oh!" she chuckled quietly. "Son, me and old age ain't too friendly."
She headed down the walk I'd pointed at. She stopped at a couple of
stones before she found the ones she wanted. She placed a bunch on
Larry Wieserman USMC, 1968, and the last on Darrel Wieserman USMC, 1970.
She stood there and murmured a few words I still couldn't make out.
"OK, son, I'm finished. Get me back to my car and you can go home."
"Yes, Ma'am. If I may ask, were those your kinfolk?"
She paused. "Yes, Donald Davidson was my father; Stephen was my
uncle; Stanley was my husband; Larry and Darrel were our sons. All
killed in action, all Marines." She stopped, whether she had
finished, or couldn't finish, I don't know. She made her way to her
car, slowly, and painfully.
I waited for a polite distance to come between us and then
double-timed it over to Kevin waiting by the car. "Get to the
out-gate quick. I have something I've got to do."
Kevin started to say something but saw the look I gave him. He broke
the rules to get us there down the service road. We beat her. She
hadn't made it around the rotunda yet.
"Kevin, stand to attention next to the gate post. Follow my lead." I
humped it across the drive to the other post.
When the Cadillac came puttering around from the hedges and began the
short straight traverse to the gate, I called in my best gunny's
voice: "Tehen Hut! Present Haaaarms!"
I have to hand it to Kevin, he never blinked an eye; full dress
attention and a salute that would make his DI proud. She drove
through that gate with two old worn-out soldiers giving her a send
off she deserved, for service rendered to her country, and for
knowing Duty, Honor and Sacrifice.
I am not sure, but I think I saw a salute returned from that Cadillac.
Instead of "The End"....just think of "Taps".
----------------------------------------------------------
As a final thought on my part, let me share a favorite prayer:
"Lord, keep our servicemen and women safe, whether they serve at home
or overseas. Hold them in Your loving hands and protect them as they
protect us."
Let's all keep those currently serving and those who have gone
before, in our thoughts. They are the reason for the many freedoms we enjoy.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Missed Bus"
The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The repetition of small efforts will accomplish more than the occasional use of great talents."
- Charles H. Spurgeon
+++++++++++++++++++
"Excitement"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of the kindergarten teacher's Chinese-Canadian students was about to get a new little brother or sister. The teacher asked every few days if the blessed event had happened yet. The little boy was getting more excited as the days rolled by. Finally, one day the teacher asked her usual question, and the child broke into a big smile and nodded.
"Well, what was it?" the teacher asked.
The little boy, full of excitement and wonder, blurted, "Chinese!"
A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with "IBA" or Insufficient Brain Activity, read their
email with their hand on the mouse.
(Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
\+++++++++++++++++++
A Marine on Duty
I just wanted to get the day over with and go down to Smokey's for a
few cold ones. Sneaking a look at my watch, I saw the time, 1655.
Five minutes to go. Full dress was hot in the August sun. Oklahoma
summertime was as bad as ever -- the heat and humidity at the same
level -- both too high.
I saw the car pull into the drive, '69 or '70 model Cadillac Deville,
looked factory-new. It pulled into the parking lot at a snail's pace.
An old woman got out so slow I thought she was paralyzed. She had a
cane and a sheaf of flowers, about four or five bunches as best I
could tell. I couldn't help myself. The thought came unwanted, and
left a slightly bitter taste: "She's going to spend an hour, my hip
hurts like hell and I'm ready to get out of here right now!"
But my duty was to assist anyone coming in. Kevin would lock the "in"
gate and if I could hurry the old biddy along, we might make the last
half of happy hour.
I broke Post Attention. My hip made gritty noises when I took the
first step and the pain went up a notch. I must have made a real
military sight; middle-aged man with a small pot-gut and half a limp,
in Marine Full Dress Uniform, which had lost its razor crease about
30 minutes after I began the watch at the cemetery.
I stopped in front of her, halfway up the walk. She looked up at me
with an old woman's squint. "Ma'am, may I assist you in any way?"
She took long enough to answer. "Yes, son. Can you carry these
flowers? I seem to be moving a tad slow these days."
"My pleasure Ma'am." Well, it wasn't too much of a lie.
She looked again. "Marine, where were you stationed?"
"Vietnam, Ma'am. Ground-pounder. '69 to '71."
She looked at me closer. "Wounded in action, I see. Well done,
Marine. I'll be as quick as I can."
I lied a little bigger. "No hurry, Ma'am."
She smiled, and winked at me. "Son, I'm 85-years old and I can tell a
lie from a long way off. Let's get this done. Might be the last time
I can do this. My name's Joanne Wieserman, and I've a few Marines I'd
like to see one more time."
"Yes, Ma'am. At your service."
She headed for the World War I section, stopping at a stone. She
picked one of the bunches out of my arm and laid it on top of the
stone. She murmured something I couldn't quite make out. The name on
the marble was Donald S. Davidson, USMC, France 1918.
She turned away and made a straight line for the World War II
section, stopping at one stone. I saw a tear slowly tracking its way
down her cheek.
She put a bunch on a stone; the name was Stephen X. Davidson, USMC, 1943.
She went up the row a ways and laid another bunch on a stone, Stanley
J. Wieserman USMC, 1944.
She paused for a second, "Two more, son, and we'll be done."
I almost didn't say anything, but, "Yes, Ma'am. Take your time."
She looked confused. "Where's the Vietnam section, son? I seem to
have lost my way."
I pointed with my chin. "That way, Ma'am."
"Oh!" she chuckled quietly. "Son, me and old age ain't too friendly."
She headed down the walk I'd pointed at. She stopped at a couple of
stones before she found the ones she wanted. She placed a bunch on
Larry Wieserman USMC, 1968, and the last on Darrel Wieserman USMC, 1970.
She stood there and murmured a few words I still couldn't make out.
"OK, son, I'm finished. Get me back to my car and you can go home."
"Yes, Ma'am. If I may ask, were those your kinfolk?"
She paused. "Yes, Donald Davidson was my father; Stephen was my
uncle; Stanley was my husband; Larry and Darrel were our sons. All
killed in action, all Marines." She stopped, whether she had
finished, or couldn't finish, I don't know. She made her way to her
car, slowly, and painfully.
I waited for a polite distance to come between us and then
double-timed it over to Kevin waiting by the car. "Get to the
out-gate quick. I have something I've got to do."
Kevin started to say something but saw the look I gave him. He broke
the rules to get us there down the service road. We beat her. She
hadn't made it around the rotunda yet.
"Kevin, stand to attention next to the gate post. Follow my lead." I
humped it across the drive to the other post.
When the Cadillac came puttering around from the hedges and began the
short straight traverse to the gate, I called in my best gunny's
voice: "Tehen Hut! Present Haaaarms!"
I have to hand it to Kevin, he never blinked an eye; full dress
attention and a salute that would make his DI proud. She drove
through that gate with two old worn-out soldiers giving her a send
off she deserved, for service rendered to her country, and for
knowing Duty, Honor and Sacrifice.
I am not sure, but I think I saw a salute returned from that Cadillac.
Instead of "The End"....just think of "Taps".
----------------------------------------------------------
As a final thought on my part, let me share a favorite prayer:
"Lord, keep our servicemen and women safe, whether they serve at home
or overseas. Hold them in Your loving hands and protect them as they
protect us."
Let's all keep those currently serving and those who have gone
before, in our thoughts. They are the reason for the many freedoms we enjoy.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Missed Bus"
The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The repetition of small efforts will accomplish more than the occasional use of great talents."
- Charles H. Spurgeon
+++++++++++++++++++
"Excitement"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of the kindergarten teacher's Chinese-Canadian students was about to get a new little brother or sister. The teacher asked every few days if the blessed event had happened yet. The little boy was getting more excited as the days rolled by. Finally, one day the teacher asked her usual question, and the child broke into a big smile and nodded.
"Well, what was it?" the teacher asked.
The little boy, full of excitement and wonder, blurted, "Chinese!"
Thursday, November 09, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 9th
Pawn Return
In 1952 I was in the Army and just arrived in Frankfurt,Germany. I
did not have much money and asked about getting some before payday. I
found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.
I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop
and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I
could get back.
On payday, I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver
the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.
Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street".
+++++++++++++++++++
"Scale Convention"
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three pounds."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Rain is what makes flowers grow and taxis disappear."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Chicken Surprise"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Hey, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will
keep trying it several times to see if you can outsmart your
foot -- but you can't!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the
floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air
with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!
Told you so -- and there's nothing you can do about it! :)
In 1952 I was in the Army and just arrived in Frankfurt,Germany. I
did not have much money and asked about getting some before payday. I
found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.
I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop
and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I
could get back.
On payday, I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver
the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.
Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street".
+++++++++++++++++++
"Scale Convention"
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three pounds."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Rain is what makes flowers grow and taxis disappear."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Chicken Surprise"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Hey, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will
keep trying it several times to see if you can outsmart your
foot -- but you can't!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the
floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air
with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!
Told you so -- and there's nothing you can do about it! :)
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 8th
Nail Biting
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For
me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my
latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dollar Measure"
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Statue Discovery"
Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk," says one.
"Lets try," says the other and turning to the statue asks it its name.
No answer.
"How old are you?"
No answer.
Finally, one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"
Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rise onto its feet and puts it’s hand on it’s chin. Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."
Of course, says the scientist, "It only stands to reason."
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Joe-ks
Why witches may have done in the Detroit Tigers...
Q: Why did the witches cancel their baseball game?
A: Because they ran out of bats.
Q: Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone?
A: Because he was all wrapped up.
Q: How do vampires invite each other out for lunch?
A: “Do you want to go for a bite?”
Q: What type of restaurant do vampires not eat at?
A: Steak houses.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have any guts.
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
A: Wrap.
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Q: What kind of beans do monsters like to eat?
A: Human beans.
Q: Why can't the boy ghost have babies?
A: Because he has a hollow weenie.
Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.
Q: Where does the ghost go on a Saturday night?
A: Anywhere he can boo-gie down.
Q: What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A: “You suck.”
Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A: Ghoul!
Q: Why did the ghost go to the bar?
A: For the boos.
Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghoost?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A: He is mist.
Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For
me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my
latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dollar Measure"
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Statue Discovery"
Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk," says one.
"Lets try," says the other and turning to the statue asks it its name.
No answer.
"How old are you?"
No answer.
Finally, one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"
Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rise onto its feet and puts it’s hand on it’s chin. Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."
Of course, says the scientist, "It only stands to reason."
+++++++++++++++++++
Halloween Joe-ks
Why witches may have done in the Detroit Tigers...
Q: Why did the witches cancel their baseball game?
A: Because they ran out of bats.
Q: Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone?
A: Because he was all wrapped up.
Q: How do vampires invite each other out for lunch?
A: “Do you want to go for a bite?”
Q: What type of restaurant do vampires not eat at?
A: Steak houses.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have any guts.
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
A: Wrap.
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Q: What kind of beans do monsters like to eat?
A: Human beans.
Q: Why can't the boy ghost have babies?
A: Because he has a hollow weenie.
Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.
Q: Where does the ghost go on a Saturday night?
A: Anywhere he can boo-gie down.
Q: What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A: “You suck.”
Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A: Ghoul!
Q: Why did the ghost go to the bar?
A: For the boos.
Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghoost?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A: He is mist.
Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 7th
A young teenage girl was about to finish her first year of
college. She considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat but her father was a rather staunch Republican.
One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and
his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her
and asked her how she was doing in school.
She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough.
She had to study all the time, and she never had time to go
out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and
didn't really have many college friends because of spending
all her time studying.
He asked, "How is your friend Mary?" She replied that Mary
was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA and never studied.
She was very popular on campus and went to parties all the
time. She often didn't show up for classes because she was
hung over.
Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's
office and have 1.0 taken off her 4.0 and give it to her
friend with the 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0
GPA.
The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I
worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing."
The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the
Republican Party."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and
somebody said I was a snake, I'd think 'No, actually I am a giraffe.'' -
Richard Gere
+++++++++++++++++++
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
>> here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
>> figure out how to get it started."
>>
>> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
>> finished?"
>>
>> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's
>> a tiger."
>>
>> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
>> She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
>> spread all over the table.
>>
>> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
>> then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we
>> do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
>> anything resembling a tiger."
>>
>> He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.
>> Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He
>> sighed .............. "Let's put all of the Frosted Flakes
>> back in the box.
+++++++++++++++++++
Healthful Place
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an
airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a
healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I arrived here I couldn't say
one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the
strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Wedding Report"
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Planning"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.
One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"
college. She considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat but her father was a rather staunch Republican.
One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and
his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her
and asked her how she was doing in school.
She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough.
She had to study all the time, and she never had time to go
out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and
didn't really have many college friends because of spending
all her time studying.
He asked, "How is your friend Mary?" She replied that Mary
was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA and never studied.
She was very popular on campus and went to parties all the
time. She often didn't show up for classes because she was
hung over.
Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's
office and have 1.0 taken off her 4.0 and give it to her
friend with the 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0
GPA.
The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I
worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing."
The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the
Republican Party."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and
somebody said I was a snake, I'd think 'No, actually I am a giraffe.'' -
Richard Gere
+++++++++++++++++++
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
>> here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
>> figure out how to get it started."
>>
>> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
>> finished?"
>>
>> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's
>> a tiger."
>>
>> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
>> She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
>> spread all over the table.
>>
>> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
>> then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we
>> do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
>> anything resembling a tiger."
>>
>> He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.
>> Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He
>> sighed .............. "Let's put all of the Frosted Flakes
>> back in the box.
+++++++++++++++++++
Healthful Place
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an
airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a
healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I arrived here I couldn't say
one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the
strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Wedding Report"
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Planning"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.
One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"
Monday, November 06, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 6th
"Jury Duty"
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
+++++++++++++++++++
A minister developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that
everyone in the community came every service. Unfortunately, one weekend a
member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's birthday. But he didn't
want to miss the pastor's sermon. So he decided to hire a stand-in to sit in
the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he
returned.
Other congregates saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire their
own stand-ins to tape the sermon so they could play golf or go fishing
instead of going to church. Within a few weeks time there were 500 stand-ins
sitting in the church taping the minister.
The minister got wise to this. The following Sunday he, too, hired a
stand-in that brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the
500 stand-in's in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their
machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial
insermonation."
+++++++++++++++++++
A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services
regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit
him. It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone,
sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor's visit,
the man welcomed him, led him to a big chair near the fireplace and waited.
The pastor made himself comfortable but said nothing. In the grave silence,
he contemplated the play of the flames around the burning logs.
After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a
brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone.
Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in
quiet fascination.
As the one lone ember's flame diminished, there was a momentary glow and
then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and "dead as a doornail." Not a
word had been spoken since the initial greeting.
Just before the pastor was ready to leave, he picked up the cold, dead ember
and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow
once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.
As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said, "Thank you so much
for your visit and the fiery sermon. I'll be back in church next Sunday."
+++++++++++++++++++
Trust in God, but lock your car.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
+++++++++++++++++++
A minister developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that
everyone in the community came every service. Unfortunately, one weekend a
member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's birthday. But he didn't
want to miss the pastor's sermon. So he decided to hire a stand-in to sit in
the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he
returned.
Other congregates saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire their
own stand-ins to tape the sermon so they could play golf or go fishing
instead of going to church. Within a few weeks time there were 500 stand-ins
sitting in the church taping the minister.
The minister got wise to this. The following Sunday he, too, hired a
stand-in that brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the
500 stand-in's in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their
machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial
insermonation."
+++++++++++++++++++
A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services
regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit
him. It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone,
sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor's visit,
the man welcomed him, led him to a big chair near the fireplace and waited.
The pastor made himself comfortable but said nothing. In the grave silence,
he contemplated the play of the flames around the burning logs.
After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a
brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone.
Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in
quiet fascination.
As the one lone ember's flame diminished, there was a momentary glow and
then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and "dead as a doornail." Not a
word had been spoken since the initial greeting.
Just before the pastor was ready to leave, he picked up the cold, dead ember
and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow
once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.
As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said, "Thank you so much
for your visit and the fiery sermon. I'll be back in church next Sunday."
+++++++++++++++++++
Trust in God, but lock your car.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 5th
My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially
those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one
relative's bad luck.
"Why do you suppose she changed jobs?" she asked my sister. "Maybe she has a
subconscious desire not to succeed."
"Or maybe it just happened," said my sister, exasperated. "Do you know you
analyze everything to death?"
Mother was silent for a moment. "That's true," she said. "Why do you think I
do that?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."
Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."
+++++++++++++++++++
The first myth of management is that it exists.
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?
A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians).
Q: How do you study the Bible?
A: You Luke into it.
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?
A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables).
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?
A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you).
Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?
A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray).
Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?
A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews).
Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?
A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch.
Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?
A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts).
Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?
A: 'E knocks.
Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?
A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
THE BROKEN TABLETS - ANOTHER VERSION
An angry God was standing at the foot of Mount Sinai. Moses had just descended. At the foot of the mountain lay the two tablets of the Ten Commandments, shattered in a thousand pieces. "What have you done?" demanded God. "Didn't I tell you to deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel?"
"Yes, Lord," said Moses. "But a man dressed in a brown robe in a flying brown chariot with gold letters on the side appeared to me at the top of the mountain. He told me he would deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel. I thought you sent him."
"I most certainly did not," said God. "What were the letters on the side of this chariot?"
Moses stooped and wrote three letters in the sand. Pointing at them, he pronounced, "Oops" (UPS).
From: Mark Golden, mark@choicenet1.com
Q: What did King James Bible say to King James?
A: I have more pages than you!
From: Doglass Daniel, doglassdaniel@hotmail.com
Little Bobby: Mom, why was nothing said about the other persons that Jesus raised from the dead together with Lazarus?
Mom: Oh dear, now were did you learn that there were other persons? It was only Lazarus.
Little Bobby: But mom, every time I read that verse I cannot help but assume that there were at least four persons.
Mom: Now why would you assume something like that?
Little Bobby: 'Cause Lazarus came fourth (forth)!
From: LaMonaInDet@aol.com
Some men were discussing the Bible. They were wondering how many apples Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden.
First man: I think there was only one apple in the Garden.
Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2.
Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also.
Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples.
Fifth man: You guys don't know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples.
Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples.
Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden.
At that point all of the men gave up.
From: Kevin Carter, kevin-e-carter@comcast.net
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.
Q. At what time of day was Adam created?
A. A little before Eve.
Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.
Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?
A. No, it was an apple.
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q. Why was the woman in the Bible turned into a pillar of salt?
A. Because she was dissatisfied with her lot.
Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q. How do we know that the disciples were very cruel to the corn?
A. Because they pulled its ears.
Q. Which animal on Noah's Ark had the highest level of intelligence?
A. The giraffe.
A minister was talking to a children's Sunday School class about kindness to animals. He cited the Biblical references to substantiate his case.
"Now let's suppose," he said, "that you saw a bad person cutting off the tail of a cat. What Biblical quotation would you use to tell him of the terrible wrong he was doing?"
"I would point out to him," one of the class said, "what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. (Mt. 19:6)"
those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one
relative's bad luck.
"Why do you suppose she changed jobs?" she asked my sister. "Maybe she has a
subconscious desire not to succeed."
"Or maybe it just happened," said my sister, exasperated. "Do you know you
analyze everything to death?"
Mother was silent for a moment. "That's true," she said. "Why do you think I
do that?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."
Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."
+++++++++++++++++++
The first myth of management is that it exists.
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?
A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians).
Q: How do you study the Bible?
A: You Luke into it.
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?
A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables).
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?
A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you).
Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?
A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray).
Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?
A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews).
Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?
A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch.
Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?
A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts).
Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?
A: 'E knocks.
Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?
A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
THE BROKEN TABLETS - ANOTHER VERSION
An angry God was standing at the foot of Mount Sinai. Moses had just descended. At the foot of the mountain lay the two tablets of the Ten Commandments, shattered in a thousand pieces. "What have you done?" demanded God. "Didn't I tell you to deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel?"
"Yes, Lord," said Moses. "But a man dressed in a brown robe in a flying brown chariot with gold letters on the side appeared to me at the top of the mountain. He told me he would deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel. I thought you sent him."
"I most certainly did not," said God. "What were the letters on the side of this chariot?"
Moses stooped and wrote three letters in the sand. Pointing at them, he pronounced, "Oops" (UPS).
From: Mark Golden, mark@choicenet1.com
Q: What did King James Bible say to King James?
A: I have more pages than you!
From: Doglass Daniel, doglassdaniel@hotmail.com
Little Bobby: Mom, why was nothing said about the other persons that Jesus raised from the dead together with Lazarus?
Mom: Oh dear, now were did you learn that there were other persons? It was only Lazarus.
Little Bobby: But mom, every time I read that verse I cannot help but assume that there were at least four persons.
Mom: Now why would you assume something like that?
Little Bobby: 'Cause Lazarus came fourth (forth)!
From: LaMonaInDet@aol.com
Some men were discussing the Bible. They were wondering how many apples Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden.
First man: I think there was only one apple in the Garden.
Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2.
Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also.
Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples.
Fifth man: You guys don't know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples.
Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples.
Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden.
At that point all of the men gave up.
From: Kevin Carter, kevin-e-carter@comcast.net
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.
Q. At what time of day was Adam created?
A. A little before Eve.
Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.
Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?
A. No, it was an apple.
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q. Why was the woman in the Bible turned into a pillar of salt?
A. Because she was dissatisfied with her lot.
Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q. How do we know that the disciples were very cruel to the corn?
A. Because they pulled its ears.
Q. Which animal on Noah's Ark had the highest level of intelligence?
A. The giraffe.
A minister was talking to a children's Sunday School class about kindness to animals. He cited the Biblical references to substantiate his case.
"Now let's suppose," he said, "that you saw a bad person cutting off the tail of a cat. What Biblical quotation would you use to tell him of the terrible wrong he was doing?"
"I would point out to him," one of the class said, "what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. (Mt. 19:6)"
Saturday, November 04, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 4th
Blame Saint Andreas. Its all his fault.
+++++++++++++++++++
Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I
hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair
shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back
down on the counter.
"Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
+++++++++++++++++++
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride,
Mrs. Stanford Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's
cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the
first time.
When the teller told her the check would have to be
endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote
on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Stanford
Strothers."
+++++++++++++++++++
Small Pizza
While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if
he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6 pieces.
He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it
into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cleaning Instructions"
I bought a great new toilet seat recently.
On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.
My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Don't regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Politeness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.
This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
+++++++++++++++++++
Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I
hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair
shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back
down on the counter.
"Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
+++++++++++++++++++
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride,
Mrs. Stanford Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's
cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the
first time.
When the teller told her the check would have to be
endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote
on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Stanford
Strothers."
+++++++++++++++++++
Small Pizza
While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if
he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6 pieces.
He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it
into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cleaning Instructions"
I bought a great new toilet seat recently.
On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.
My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Don't regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Politeness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.
This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
Friday, November 03, 2006
hUMOR For Nov. 3rd
A real estate agent had just closed his first deal, only to
discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely
under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he
said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are
you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"
+++++++++++++++++++
My brother, Dan, was discussing holidays with his young son, Phillip, when Dan asked Phillip, "What is the holiday that comes after Labor Day when you have dinner with a turkey?"
Phillip quickly answered, "Daddy’s birthday!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pay Mistakes"
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake but not two in a row!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fast Driver"
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Communication"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As the shopping centre's marketing director, I was putting the finishing touches on an ad. I asked Nancy, the newspaper's sales representative, how to spell "eligible." She wrote it down on a card she fished from her purse. I completed the copy, returned the card to her, and she left.
Not long after, I received a call from the manager of one of our shoe stores. He asked if I knew if Nancy was married. I told him I thought so and asked why he was interested. "She just gave me her business card," he said, "and on the back she's written 'eligible'."
+++++++++++++++++++
What's Good Tonight?
Our family-owned restaurant is the setting for many of our
discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I
braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question
posed to my husband.
+++++++++++++++++++
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that
read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you
have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even
consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's
mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
New York's Governor Pataki proposed a new commission that would oversee all
gambling in New York, including lotteries, horse racing and casinos.
Not surprisingly, the new gambling commission will be called, "The Mafia."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man walks into the kitchen and finds his wife sitting at the table sobbing
wildly. "What's the problem?" he asks.
She replies, "My brother called to wish me happy birthday."
"So why did that upset you?" he asks.
"He's been arrested." she wails
"What was he charged with?"
"I don't know," she sobs."He just said he was calling me on his cell phone."
+++++++++++++++++++
"There were thirteen kids in my family. We were so poor we had to eat
cereal with a fork so we could pass the milk on to the next kid." - Bernie
Mac
+++++++++++++++++++
"Boyfriend"
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely
under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he
said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are
you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"
+++++++++++++++++++
My brother, Dan, was discussing holidays with his young son, Phillip, when Dan asked Phillip, "What is the holiday that comes after Labor Day when you have dinner with a turkey?"
Phillip quickly answered, "Daddy’s birthday!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pay Mistakes"
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake but not two in a row!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fast Driver"
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Communication"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As the shopping centre's marketing director, I was putting the finishing touches on an ad. I asked Nancy, the newspaper's sales representative, how to spell "eligible." She wrote it down on a card she fished from her purse. I completed the copy, returned the card to her, and she left.
Not long after, I received a call from the manager of one of our shoe stores. He asked if I knew if Nancy was married. I told him I thought so and asked why he was interested. "She just gave me her business card," he said, "and on the back she's written 'eligible'."
+++++++++++++++++++
What's Good Tonight?
Our family-owned restaurant is the setting for many of our
discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I
braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question
posed to my husband.
+++++++++++++++++++
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that
read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you
have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even
consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's
mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
New York's Governor Pataki proposed a new commission that would oversee all
gambling in New York, including lotteries, horse racing and casinos.
Not surprisingly, the new gambling commission will be called, "The Mafia."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man walks into the kitchen and finds his wife sitting at the table sobbing
wildly. "What's the problem?" he asks.
She replies, "My brother called to wish me happy birthday."
"So why did that upset you?" he asks.
"He's been arrested." she wails
"What was he charged with?"
"I don't know," she sobs."He just said he was calling me on his cell phone."
+++++++++++++++++++
"There were thirteen kids in my family. We were so poor we had to eat
cereal with a fork so we could pass the milk on to the next kid." - Bernie
Mac
+++++++++++++++++++
"Boyfriend"
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
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