"Real 911 Calls"
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Calories are delicious.
+++++++++++++++++++
"New Sanctuary"
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary.
It was an intricate task that was completed successfully. The local news heralded, "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Anesthesia
An oral surgeon was scheduled to extract four wisdom teeth from Jim,
a high-school football player, who had opted to be sedated for the
procedure. As the intravenous anesthesia was being administered, the
doctor asked Jim how he was feeling.
"Man," he replied, struggling to keep his eyes open, "I feel like I'm
in English class."
+++++++++++++++++++
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little
children of her own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when
we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play
hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and
have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like
pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers
and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your
shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "Why isn't God married?"
and "How come dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we
ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if
you don't have television, because they are the only
grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they
say prayers with us every time, and they kiss us even when
we've acted bad.
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. ''Oh,'' he
said, ''she lives at the airport, and when we want her we
just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we
take her back to the airport.''
+++++++++++++++++++
Money can't buy happiness, but it can take you to a lot more places to look
for it.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 22nd
"Dining Problem"
Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"
Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Never remember what you can afford to forget."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Advertising"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller-- guaranteed to work."
I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dependents
A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked
how many dependents he had.
"Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Karen, do you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"
Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair.
But your husband is still alive.
I know, but his hair is gone.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a telemarketer who was trying to make a particularly difficult
sale. Just as the person was about to hang up, the telemarketer said, "Look,
pretend I'm your kid asking for money. What would you say?"
The man hung up instantly.
+++++++++++++++++++
"A free lunch is only found in mousetraps." - John Capozzi
+++++++++++++++++++
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by three little
children on the plane. They had been bugging her since
take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or
tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom or whatever
else you could imagine a small child commenting on and
complaining about.
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the
children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them
to go play outside.
+++++++++++++++++++
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by three little
children on the plane. They had been bugging her since
take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or
tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom or whatever
else you could imagine a small child commenting on and
complaining about.
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the
children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them
to go play outside.
Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"
Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Never remember what you can afford to forget."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Advertising"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller-- guaranteed to work."
I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dependents
A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked
how many dependents he had.
"Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Karen, do you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"
Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair.
But your husband is still alive.
I know, but his hair is gone.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a telemarketer who was trying to make a particularly difficult
sale. Just as the person was about to hang up, the telemarketer said, "Look,
pretend I'm your kid asking for money. What would you say?"
The man hung up instantly.
+++++++++++++++++++
"A free lunch is only found in mousetraps." - John Capozzi
+++++++++++++++++++
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by three little
children on the plane. They had been bugging her since
take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or
tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom or whatever
else you could imagine a small child commenting on and
complaining about.
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the
children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them
to go play outside.
+++++++++++++++++++
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by three little
children on the plane. They had been bugging her since
take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or
tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom or whatever
else you could imagine a small child commenting on and
complaining about.
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the
children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them
to go play outside.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 21
Bank Trouble
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks
with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Doctor News"
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Borscht"
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
+++++++++++++++++++
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university,
he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion
would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that
he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed, and two years ago he was honored by the
undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a
successful research project in several years. The last paper
that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of
"Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his
research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his
office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless
he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning
lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the
past, this had always had been effective in relieving
tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were
dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the
order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a
species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full
of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly
wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was
immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new
species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks
with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Doctor News"
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Borscht"
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
+++++++++++++++++++
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university,
he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion
would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that
he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed, and two years ago he was honored by the
undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a
successful research project in several years. The last paper
that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of
"Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his
research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his
office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless
he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning
lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the
past, this had always had been effective in relieving
tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were
dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the
order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a
species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full
of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly
wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was
immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new
species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
hUMOR For Sept. 21st
Bank Trouble
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks
with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Doctor News"
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Borscht"
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
+++++++++++++++++++
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university,
he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion
would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that
he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed, and two years ago he was honored by the
undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a
successful research project in several years. The last paper
that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of
"Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his
research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his
office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless
he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning
lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the
past, this had always had been effective in relieving
tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were
dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the
order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a
species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full
of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly
wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was
immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new
species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks
with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Doctor News"
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Borscht"
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
+++++++++++++++++++
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university,
he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion
would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that
he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed, and two years ago he was honored by the
undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a
successful research project in several years. The last paper
that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of
"Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his
research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his
office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless
he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning
lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the
past, this had always had been effective in relieving
tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were
dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the
order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a
species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full
of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly
wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was
immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new
species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 20th
Computer Crashed
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up.
After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over.
"Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is
down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know
that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away.
+++++++++++++++++++
If Noah had to build the ark in 2006, his story may have
gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am
going to make it rain, and the rain shall not stop until it
submerges the entire earth and all living flesh is
destroyed. Because of this, I want you to save the righteous
people and two of every living species on earth. Therefore,
I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. Daunted by this task, but respectful of God's
wishes, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete and fill the
Ark in one year's time."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the
earth and all the seas of the earth went into turmoil. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me, " cried Noah. "I did my best, but
there were big problems.
"First I had to get a permit for construction, and your
plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the plans.
"Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the
Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation
devices.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really
needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and
Wildlife Service won't let me take the two owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations
Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now I
have 16 carpenters on the Ark but still no owls.
"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal
rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of
each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
"Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the
idea.
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed by the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.
"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building
the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying
the state some kind of user tax that I owe them and that I
failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
"And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that since
God is flooding the Earth, it's a religious event, and
therefore unconstitutional.
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five
or six years."
Noah waited.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas
began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to
destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government
already has."
+++++++++++++++++++
Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept
Microsoft rights to the TV dinner. You may not give anyone else a bite of
your dinner as outlined in the TV Dinner Piracy section of the user
agreement. You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and
are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the
oven using the command line:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set
itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the
dinner, the weight of the dinner, the desired level of cooking and press
start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly
to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must
be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven
and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then
doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than
the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your
equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken XP variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call
MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another
variety. Microsoft Chicken XP is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue support for all smaller
versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the
larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after Chicken XP. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled
in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer,
causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your
freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
No other company is allowed to create items to be used with Microsoft
dinners without first partnering with Microsoft. This is solely to protect
the consumer and is not intended to impede progress and creativity in the
dinner industry. This includes, but is not limited to desert.
You may not play a game or use an application while you eat your Microsoft
dinner unless that game or application was designed by a Microsoft partner
and is certified by Microsoft to be %100 compatible with your Microsoft
dinner.
You are only leasing your Microsoft dinner, you agree to not "reverse
engineer" your Microsoft dinner or send it out of the country. You may store
one backup Microsoft dinner for personal use.
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is always complaining about how I blow my nose into the towel after
I finish toweling off. Apparently, Little Miss Lack of Foresight doesn't
realize that after a few days, I'm no longer just drying off, I'm
exfoliating.
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up.
After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over.
"Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is
down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know
that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away.
+++++++++++++++++++
If Noah had to build the ark in 2006, his story may have
gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am
going to make it rain, and the rain shall not stop until it
submerges the entire earth and all living flesh is
destroyed. Because of this, I want you to save the righteous
people and two of every living species on earth. Therefore,
I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. Daunted by this task, but respectful of God's
wishes, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete and fill the
Ark in one year's time."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the
earth and all the seas of the earth went into turmoil. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me, " cried Noah. "I did my best, but
there were big problems.
"First I had to get a permit for construction, and your
plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the plans.
"Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the
Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation
devices.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really
needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and
Wildlife Service won't let me take the two owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations
Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now I
have 16 carpenters on the Ark but still no owls.
"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal
rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of
each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
"Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the
idea.
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed by the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.
"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building
the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying
the state some kind of user tax that I owe them and that I
failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
"And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that since
God is flooding the Earth, it's a religious event, and
therefore unconstitutional.
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five
or six years."
Noah waited.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas
began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to
destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government
already has."
+++++++++++++++++++
Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept
Microsoft rights to the TV dinner. You may not give anyone else a bite of
your dinner as outlined in the TV Dinner Piracy section of the user
agreement. You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and
are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the
oven using the command line:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set
itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the
dinner, the weight of the dinner, the desired level of cooking and press
start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly
to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must
be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven
and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then
doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than
the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your
equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken XP variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call
MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another
variety. Microsoft Chicken XP is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue support for all smaller
versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the
larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after Chicken XP. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled
in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer,
causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your
freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
No other company is allowed to create items to be used with Microsoft
dinners without first partnering with Microsoft. This is solely to protect
the consumer and is not intended to impede progress and creativity in the
dinner industry. This includes, but is not limited to desert.
You may not play a game or use an application while you eat your Microsoft
dinner unless that game or application was designed by a Microsoft partner
and is certified by Microsoft to be %100 compatible with your Microsoft
dinner.
You are only leasing your Microsoft dinner, you agree to not "reverse
engineer" your Microsoft dinner or send it out of the country. You may store
one backup Microsoft dinner for personal use.
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is always complaining about how I blow my nose into the towel after
I finish toweling off. Apparently, Little Miss Lack of Foresight doesn't
realize that after a few days, I'm no longer just drying off, I'm
exfoliating.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 19th
My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly
mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to
access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it
could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very
skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of
something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's
mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen
feeling?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you
drive."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Overdrawn"
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Consistency isn't always good especially if you're consistently wrong."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Perfection"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have messed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to
access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it
could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very
skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of
something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's
mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen
feeling?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you
drive."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Overdrawn"
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Consistency isn't always good especially if you're consistently wrong."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Perfection"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have messed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
Monday, September 18, 2006
hU,MOR For Sept. 18th
"Gym Oops"
New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym.
Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's my husband - the fat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"There is something wrong if you're always right."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tradition"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The church I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel. At our first service last summer, the chairman of the board of deacons met me at the door with the information that there were no offering plates to be found. None of the men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to pass a shoe. He had tried to borrow something suitable from a house nearby, but no one was home. When I went to the chancel to begin the service, the problem was still unsolved.
Time came for the offering, and two ushers walked down the aisle wearing broad grins and carrying shiny receptacles. The deacon had resourcefully borrowed two hubcaps from a parishioner's car.
+++++++++++++++++++
Got Juice?
(A true story...)
Last weekend, my wife and I and our young daughter Brianna, traveled
out-of-town to visit Grandma and Grandpa. We arrived around 9:00
PM. Of course, Grandpa and Grandma are waiting for us. Well not
exactly us, they wanted to see Brianna. So we get there and Brianna
is showered with lots of love and gifts. One of those gifts is a PVD
player. It's like a DVD player but for little kids and the disks are
different than DVDs. As part of this gift, she got an episode of
"Dora The Exporer" on PVD.
The next day, Brianna watches that PVD over and over and over and
over and over. At the end of the day, she's placed in her bed to go
to sleep. It's been a long day and she's tired, but she takes her PVD
player with her.
About 1/2 hour later, we here her crying. So I walk in there to find
out why. She pointed to her player and said that it was broken.
Well, it was. There was audio but no video. So I restared the player
and the first thing I noticed was the Dead Battery Sign in the upper
right hand corner. The following is the conversation I had with two
and a half year old Brianna:
Dad: "It's not broken, the batteries are just dying."
Brianna: "The batteries are dying?"
Dad: "Yes, The batteries are out of juice."
Slight pause while Brianna processes what Dad just said.
Brianna: "Juice? I've got apple juice. Grandpa's got orange juice."
Dad (with a slight chuckle): "Not that kind of juice."
Brianna (with another pause): "Grandpa's got cow milk."
+++++++++++++++++++
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor
accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse
asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125
pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
+++++++++++++++++++
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm sorry. Am I driving too close in front of you?
New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym.
Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's my husband - the fat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"There is something wrong if you're always right."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tradition"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The church I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel. At our first service last summer, the chairman of the board of deacons met me at the door with the information that there were no offering plates to be found. None of the men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to pass a shoe. He had tried to borrow something suitable from a house nearby, but no one was home. When I went to the chancel to begin the service, the problem was still unsolved.
Time came for the offering, and two ushers walked down the aisle wearing broad grins and carrying shiny receptacles. The deacon had resourcefully borrowed two hubcaps from a parishioner's car.
+++++++++++++++++++
Got Juice?
(A true story...)
Last weekend, my wife and I and our young daughter Brianna, traveled
out-of-town to visit Grandma and Grandpa. We arrived around 9:00
PM. Of course, Grandpa and Grandma are waiting for us. Well not
exactly us, they wanted to see Brianna. So we get there and Brianna
is showered with lots of love and gifts. One of those gifts is a PVD
player. It's like a DVD player but for little kids and the disks are
different than DVDs. As part of this gift, she got an episode of
"Dora The Exporer" on PVD.
The next day, Brianna watches that PVD over and over and over and
over and over. At the end of the day, she's placed in her bed to go
to sleep. It's been a long day and she's tired, but she takes her PVD
player with her.
About 1/2 hour later, we here her crying. So I walk in there to find
out why. She pointed to her player and said that it was broken.
Well, it was. There was audio but no video. So I restared the player
and the first thing I noticed was the Dead Battery Sign in the upper
right hand corner. The following is the conversation I had with two
and a half year old Brianna:
Dad: "It's not broken, the batteries are just dying."
Brianna: "The batteries are dying?"
Dad: "Yes, The batteries are out of juice."
Slight pause while Brianna processes what Dad just said.
Brianna: "Juice? I've got apple juice. Grandpa's got orange juice."
Dad (with a slight chuckle): "Not that kind of juice."
Brianna (with another pause): "Grandpa's got cow milk."
+++++++++++++++++++
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor
accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse
asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125
pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
+++++++++++++++++++
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm sorry. Am I driving too close in front of you?
Saturday, September 16, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 16th
Hospital Information"
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick."
- Sandra Wilson
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "On-board Computer"
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away From Home
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled
against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and
his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if
you get hungry?" he asked.
"Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child.
"And what if you run out of money?"
"I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"
"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away
from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man had just finished reading the book Man of the House
while riding the commuter train home from work.
When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked
directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he
said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner,
you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral
director is my guess."
+++++++++++++++++++
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
+++++++++++++++++++
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick."
- Sandra Wilson
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "On-board Computer"
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away From Home
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled
against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and
his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if
you get hungry?" he asked.
"Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child.
"And what if you run out of money?"
"I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"
"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away
from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man had just finished reading the book Man of the House
while riding the commuter train home from work.
When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked
directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he
said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner,
you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral
director is my guess."
+++++++++++++++++++
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
+++++++++++++++++++
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Friday, September 15, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 15th
Basic Training
When I was a recruit in Army basic training, one requirement was a
demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6:00 AM and were pumped up
for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if
the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a
fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we
should reach the starting point any minute now."
+++++++++++++++++++
My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one
evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven,
and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep.
Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly,
first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We
yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The
car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We
drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven.
When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring,
with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad
woke right up.
"Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water
the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
+++++++++++++++++++
During my recuperation from surgery, my mom stayed with us to help take care
of the children. One night toward the end
of her visit, she was sitting at the kitchen table. As my husband was trying
to squeeze past, Mom politely asked, "Would you like me to move in?"
Without missing a beat, Michael quipped, "No, thank you!"
The next day Dad arrived to pick her up.
+++++++++++++++++++
The trouble with eating at an all-you-can-eat restaurant is that five or six
days later you're hungry again.
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
When I was a recruit in Army basic training, one requirement was a
demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6:00 AM and were pumped up
for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if
the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a
fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we
should reach the starting point any minute now."
+++++++++++++++++++
My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one
evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven,
and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep.
Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly,
first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We
yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The
car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We
drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven.
When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring,
with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad
woke right up.
"Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water
the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
+++++++++++++++++++
During my recuperation from surgery, my mom stayed with us to help take care
of the children. One night toward the end
of her visit, she was sitting at the kitchen table. As my husband was trying
to squeeze past, Mom politely asked, "Would you like me to move in?"
Without missing a beat, Michael quipped, "No, thank you!"
The next day Dad arrived to pick her up.
+++++++++++++++++++
The trouble with eating at an all-you-can-eat restaurant is that five or six
days later you're hungry again.
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Thursday, September 14, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 14th
Funeral Procession
My friend, her sister and I were driving in the procession to the
cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative.
"Since we don't really know anybody, do you want to head on home?"
the driver asked.
When the sister nodded, she made a right turn.
We had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road when the driver
happened to look in the rear-view mirror. The rest of the procession
was still following us!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Money Date"
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush, "Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fishing"
Ernie had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four walleye. He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"
"Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name
was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about
Verge 'n' Mary."
+++++++++++++++++++
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though
the weather that morning was questionable and clouds
were forming, she made her daily trek to the
elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the
winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her
daughter would be frightened as she walked home from
school and she herself feared that the electrical
storm might harm her child. Following the roar of
thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut
through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly
got into her car and drove along the route to her
child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl
walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the
child would stop, look up and smile. Another and
another were to follow quickly and with each the
little girl would look at the streak of light and
smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child she
lowered the window and called to her, "What are you
doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered,
"I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my
picture."
May God bless you today as you face the storms that
come your way.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Card Name"
A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him,
"Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"
The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Choices"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
My friend, her sister and I were driving in the procession to the
cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative.
"Since we don't really know anybody, do you want to head on home?"
the driver asked.
When the sister nodded, she made a right turn.
We had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road when the driver
happened to look in the rear-view mirror. The rest of the procession
was still following us!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Money Date"
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush, "Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fishing"
Ernie had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four walleye. He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"
"Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name
was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about
Verge 'n' Mary."
+++++++++++++++++++
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though
the weather that morning was questionable and clouds
were forming, she made her daily trek to the
elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the
winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her
daughter would be frightened as she walked home from
school and she herself feared that the electrical
storm might harm her child. Following the roar of
thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut
through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly
got into her car and drove along the route to her
child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl
walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the
child would stop, look up and smile. Another and
another were to follow quickly and with each the
little girl would look at the streak of light and
smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child she
lowered the window and called to her, "What are you
doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered,
"I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my
picture."
May God bless you today as you face the storms that
come your way.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Card Name"
A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him,
"Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"
The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Choices"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 13th
"Breathe"
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes."
-Robert Frost
+++++++++++++++++++
"Legalism"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant. They, put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.
"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."
The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.
+++++++++++++++++++
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take
it up at a much earlier age.
If your opponent hasn't played the course before, don't be a
spoilsport and ruin all the surprises.
The score (or handicap) a player reports should always be
regarded as his opening offer.
The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
Error must go somewhere. If your driver is hot, your putter
is ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your
woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your
head will come up.
The secret of golf is, use your real swing to take the big
divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always
hit the do-over first.
Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 26.6
miles backward.
One good shank deserves another.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot
is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always
look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to
start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
You can hear thunder a hundred miles away when you're three
holes down with three to play.
Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum
of not at all.
Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing
you're doing right.
No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible
to play worse.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your
mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can
either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the
foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two
options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait
until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share
his ideas about the golf swing.
The less intelligent the player, the more certain he is to
offer insights into the mental side of the game.
It if ain't broke, try changing your grip.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant
elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that
allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's
luck.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie
10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a
rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for
thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his
shot.
Taking more than two putts to get down on a lightning-fast,
steeply sloped green is no embarrassment unless you had to
hit a wedge between the putts.
Never subtract so many strokes on any one hole that you wind
up with the honor on the next hole.
The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two
holes.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
A tap-in is the larval stage of a hop-out.
Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.
Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp
dogleg to the right.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf
course is a straight line that passes directly through the
center of a very large tree.
It's often necessary to hit a second drive to really
appreciate the first one.
There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces
just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a
two-inch branch 90% of the time.
A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than
one golfer.
99.99% of all matter is empty space, but that last .01% will
stop a golf ball dead.
If your ball disappears in the fairway of a blind hole, it's
probably because it rolled into an anti-divot and vaporized.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently
make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental
equilibrium of the universe.
It's always winter somewhere.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does,
simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the
speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing
20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.
Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to
playing good golf as knowing the temperature of the grass in
the fairway.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your
backswing at the top and checking the position of your
hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the
glove.
A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.
It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if
you're not too choosy about which fairway.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
For most golfers, the only difference between a one-dollar
ball and a three-dollar ball is two dollars.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the
ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
The frequency with which balls are lost increases as the
available supply decreases.
No putt ever got longer as the result of a ball being
marked.
An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the
bush.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not
yours.
If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker,
your ball is in the bunker.
If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
+++++++++++++++++++
This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses
in bed. He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and playfully says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful woman lying next
to you?"
He replied, "Don't worry honey, I'd stay faithful."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying
job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education,
but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator
and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job.
He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very
curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though
he got such a simple question wrong.
The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
+++++++++++++++++++
"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you
into hot water." - Franklin P. Jones
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes."
-Robert Frost
+++++++++++++++++++
"Legalism"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant. They, put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.
"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."
The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.
+++++++++++++++++++
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take
it up at a much earlier age.
If your opponent hasn't played the course before, don't be a
spoilsport and ruin all the surprises.
The score (or handicap) a player reports should always be
regarded as his opening offer.
The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
Error must go somewhere. If your driver is hot, your putter
is ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your
woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your
head will come up.
The secret of golf is, use your real swing to take the big
divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always
hit the do-over first.
Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 26.6
miles backward.
One good shank deserves another.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot
is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always
look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to
start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
You can hear thunder a hundred miles away when you're three
holes down with three to play.
Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum
of not at all.
Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing
you're doing right.
No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible
to play worse.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your
mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can
either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the
foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two
options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait
until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share
his ideas about the golf swing.
The less intelligent the player, the more certain he is to
offer insights into the mental side of the game.
It if ain't broke, try changing your grip.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant
elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that
allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's
luck.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie
10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a
rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for
thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his
shot.
Taking more than two putts to get down on a lightning-fast,
steeply sloped green is no embarrassment unless you had to
hit a wedge between the putts.
Never subtract so many strokes on any one hole that you wind
up with the honor on the next hole.
The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two
holes.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
A tap-in is the larval stage of a hop-out.
Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.
Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp
dogleg to the right.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf
course is a straight line that passes directly through the
center of a very large tree.
It's often necessary to hit a second drive to really
appreciate the first one.
There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces
just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a
two-inch branch 90% of the time.
A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than
one golfer.
99.99% of all matter is empty space, but that last .01% will
stop a golf ball dead.
If your ball disappears in the fairway of a blind hole, it's
probably because it rolled into an anti-divot and vaporized.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently
make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental
equilibrium of the universe.
It's always winter somewhere.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does,
simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the
speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing
20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.
Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to
playing good golf as knowing the temperature of the grass in
the fairway.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your
backswing at the top and checking the position of your
hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the
glove.
A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.
It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if
you're not too choosy about which fairway.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
For most golfers, the only difference between a one-dollar
ball and a three-dollar ball is two dollars.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the
ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
The frequency with which balls are lost increases as the
available supply decreases.
No putt ever got longer as the result of a ball being
marked.
An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the
bush.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not
yours.
If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker,
your ball is in the bunker.
If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
+++++++++++++++++++
This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses
in bed. He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and playfully says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful woman lying next
to you?"
He replied, "Don't worry honey, I'd stay faithful."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying
job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education,
but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator
and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job.
He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very
curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though
he got such a simple question wrong.
The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
+++++++++++++++++++
"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you
into hot water." - Franklin P. Jones
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 12th
Soon after our high-tech company moved into a new building,
we had trouble with the elevators. A manager got stuck
between floors and, after some door banging, finally
attracted attention. His name was taken and rescue promised.
It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived and
got the manager out. When he returned to his desk, he found
this note from his efficient secretary: "The elevator people
called and will be here in two hours."
+++++++++++++++++++
The best time to make friends is before you need them.
+++++++++++++++++++
Historic Church
While touring historic buildings in Alexandria, Virginia, we visited
an old church. The guide told us that George Washington had attended
services there and pointed to his pew.
A reverent silence fell. The guide, encouraged by this, went on to
tell us that church services back then had been very lengthy --
frequently lasting three hours or more.
The mood of the moment was shattered when an anonymous voice
whispered loudly, "So George Washington slept here too!"
we had trouble with the elevators. A manager got stuck
between floors and, after some door banging, finally
attracted attention. His name was taken and rescue promised.
It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived and
got the manager out. When he returned to his desk, he found
this note from his efficient secretary: "The elevator people
called and will be here in two hours."
+++++++++++++++++++
The best time to make friends is before you need them.
+++++++++++++++++++
Historic Church
While touring historic buildings in Alexandria, Virginia, we visited
an old church. The guide told us that George Washington had attended
services there and pointed to his pew.
A reverent silence fell. The guide, encouraged by this, went on to
tell us that church services back then had been very lengthy --
frequently lasting three hours or more.
The mood of the moment was shattered when an anonymous voice
whispered loudly, "So George Washington slept here too!"
Sunday, September 10, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 10th
Best 2006 blonde joke so far
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over -- so now we're going to Sea World."
+++++++++++++++++++
An 82 year old Vermont woman convicted of vehicular manslaughter has had her
license suspended for 10 years.
Apparently the state feels the time off will make her a more confident,
skilled and careful driver when they let her back on the road when she's 92.
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband is a doctor, and he received an emergency call from a patient.
She had a fly in her ear. He suggested an old home remedy. "Pour warm olive
oil into your ear and lie down for a few minutes," he said. "When you lift
your head the fly should emerge with the liquid."
The patient thought that sounded like a good idea, but she still asked,
"Into which ear should I pour the oil?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home, his face might burn up." - Jack Handey
+++++++++++++++++++
"Spa First Day"
A woman joined a health spa, and on her first day eagerly joined in an exercise class. However, when it ended she went to the front desk and requested cancellation of her membership.
When asked why, she replied, "Your floors are so low that I cannot touch my toes!"
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over -- so now we're going to Sea World."
+++++++++++++++++++
An 82 year old Vermont woman convicted of vehicular manslaughter has had her
license suspended for 10 years.
Apparently the state feels the time off will make her a more confident,
skilled and careful driver when they let her back on the road when she's 92.
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband is a doctor, and he received an emergency call from a patient.
She had a fly in her ear. He suggested an old home remedy. "Pour warm olive
oil into your ear and lie down for a few minutes," he said. "When you lift
your head the fly should emerge with the liquid."
The patient thought that sounded like a good idea, but she still asked,
"Into which ear should I pour the oil?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home, his face might burn up." - Jack Handey
+++++++++++++++++++
"Spa First Day"
A woman joined a health spa, and on her first day eagerly joined in an exercise class. However, when it ended she went to the front desk and requested cancellation of her membership.
When asked why, she replied, "Your floors are so low that I cannot touch my toes!"
Saturday, September 09, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 9th
"Zoo Sign"
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A pessimist mourns the future."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Training"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels.
A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Grandma, could I have a quarter?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Sweet little Danny boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so very proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. Grandma Land had never in her life had such a horribly bad cup of coffee. As she forced herself to down the last sip, she noticed three of those little green army men in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army men be in the bottom of my cup?"
Sweet little Danny replied, "You know Grandma, it's like on TV ... 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Important Words
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who
had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The
DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're
probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A pessimist mourns the future."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Training"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels.
A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Grandma, could I have a quarter?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Sweet little Danny boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so very proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. Grandma Land had never in her life had such a horribly bad cup of coffee. As she forced herself to down the last sip, she noticed three of those little green army men in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army men be in the bottom of my cup?"
Sweet little Danny replied, "You know Grandma, it's like on TV ... 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Important Words
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who
had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The
DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're
probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
Friday, September 08, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 8th
In the Pet Store 2
My brother adopted a snake named Slinky, whose most disagreeable
trait was eating live mice. Once I was pressed into going to the pet
store to buy Slinky's dinner. The worst part of this wasn't choosing
the juiciest-looking creatures or turning down the clerk who wanted
to sell me vitamins to ensure their longevity. The hardest part was
carrying the poor things out in a box bearing the words "Thank you
for giving me a home."
++++++++++++++++++
"Guard Dog"
My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?
Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.
Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Everyone who got where they are .. had to begin where they were."
- Richard L Evans
++++++++++++++++++
"The "Forwarder's" 12 Step Program"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need to. If you are one of those people who like to forward every e-mail you get, please repeat the following ...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail! (If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next three months! (No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
++++++++++++++++++
Once, I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138
mainframe at a local college. My position had been
reclassified so that it fell into a new area outside of the
Information Technology staff.
One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at
the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the
two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it
was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling
the room. The computer is over there."
++++++++++++++++++
Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had
heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, "Can you
deliver it filled with water?"
Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred
pounds!"
After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it
in?"
++++++++++++++++++
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic
first line but least romantic second line:
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are
you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Dang, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
778/jky789u screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
++++++++++++++++++
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." -
Mario Andretti
My brother adopted a snake named Slinky, whose most disagreeable
trait was eating live mice. Once I was pressed into going to the pet
store to buy Slinky's dinner. The worst part of this wasn't choosing
the juiciest-looking creatures or turning down the clerk who wanted
to sell me vitamins to ensure their longevity. The hardest part was
carrying the poor things out in a box bearing the words "Thank you
for giving me a home."
++++++++++++++++++
"Guard Dog"
My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?
Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.
Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Everyone who got where they are .. had to begin where they were."
- Richard L Evans
++++++++++++++++++
"The "Forwarder's" 12 Step Program"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need to. If you are one of those people who like to forward every e-mail you get, please repeat the following ...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail! (If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next three months! (No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
++++++++++++++++++
Once, I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138
mainframe at a local college. My position had been
reclassified so that it fell into a new area outside of the
Information Technology staff.
One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at
the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the
two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it
was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling
the room. The computer is over there."
++++++++++++++++++
Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had
heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, "Can you
deliver it filled with water?"
Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred
pounds!"
After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it
in?"
++++++++++++++++++
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic
first line but least romantic second line:
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are
you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Dang, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
778/jky789u screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
++++++++++++++++++
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." -
Mario Andretti
Thursday, September 07, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 7th
In the Pet Store 1
"As I was walking through a variety store, I stopped at the pet
department to look at some parakeets. In one cage a green bird lay on
his back, one foot hooked oddly into the cage wire. I was about to
alert the saleswoman to the bird's plight when I noticed a sign taped
to the cage: 'No, I am not sick. No, I am not dead. No, my leg is not
stuck in the cage. I just like to sleep this way.'"
++++++++++++++++++
"Construction Noise"
During a beautiful spring afternoon, I was attending a music festival. Just as I stopped to listen to a folk singer, a group of exhibitors, dragging out tools and sawhorses, began setting up their display booth nearby. All their shouting and hammering made it difficult to enjoy the music. The noise they made got louder and even more obnoxious and intrusive as time went on.
Finally, to everyone's relief, they completed the construction.
As a finishing touch, they hung a sign on their booth. It read "Silent Auction."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
++++++++++++++++++
Grenade"
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France resulted in "Linoleum Blownapart."
++++++++++++++++++
I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we
sing "Silent Night." Age 5
I learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli
either. Age 7
I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they
stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it,
Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12
I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should
try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly
glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I learned that silent company is often more healing than
words of advice. Age 24
I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's
great pleasures. Age 26
I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have
followed me there. Age29
I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I
must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30
I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just
don't know how to show it. Age 42
I learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending
them a little note. Age 44
I learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the
greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems
today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age
48
I learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits
for hours. Age 49
I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away
from the phone. Age 50
I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51
I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a
medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52
I learned that regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I learned that making a living is not the same thing as
making a life. Age 58
I learned that if you want to do something positive for your
children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61
I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age
62
I learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers
mitt on both hands.You need to be able to throw something
back. Age 64
I learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your
work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can,
happiness will find you. Age 65
I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I
usually make the right decision. Age 66
I learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be
one. Age 82
I learned that every day you should reach out and touch
someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm
hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 90
I learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
"As I was walking through a variety store, I stopped at the pet
department to look at some parakeets. In one cage a green bird lay on
his back, one foot hooked oddly into the cage wire. I was about to
alert the saleswoman to the bird's plight when I noticed a sign taped
to the cage: 'No, I am not sick. No, I am not dead. No, my leg is not
stuck in the cage. I just like to sleep this way.'"
++++++++++++++++++
"Construction Noise"
During a beautiful spring afternoon, I was attending a music festival. Just as I stopped to listen to a folk singer, a group of exhibitors, dragging out tools and sawhorses, began setting up their display booth nearby. All their shouting and hammering made it difficult to enjoy the music. The noise they made got louder and even more obnoxious and intrusive as time went on.
Finally, to everyone's relief, they completed the construction.
As a finishing touch, they hung a sign on their booth. It read "Silent Auction."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
++++++++++++++++++
Grenade"
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France resulted in "Linoleum Blownapart."
++++++++++++++++++
I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we
sing "Silent Night." Age 5
I learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli
either. Age 7
I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they
stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it,
Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12
I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should
try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly
glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I learned that silent company is often more healing than
words of advice. Age 24
I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's
great pleasures. Age 26
I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have
followed me there. Age29
I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I
must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30
I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just
don't know how to show it. Age 42
I learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending
them a little note. Age 44
I learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the
greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems
today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age
48
I learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits
for hours. Age 49
I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away
from the phone. Age 50
I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51
I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a
medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52
I learned that regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I learned that making a living is not the same thing as
making a life. Age 58
I learned that if you want to do something positive for your
children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61
I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age
62
I learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers
mitt on both hands.You need to be able to throw something
back. Age 64
I learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your
work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can,
happiness will find you. Age 65
I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I
usually make the right decision. Age 66
I learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be
one. Age 82
I learned that every day you should reach out and touch
someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm
hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 90
I learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 6th
A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his university.
The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay on the topic,
"What is courage?"
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he
scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and
turned in the piece of paper.
All he had written was: "This is."
++++++++++++++++++
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by
the Tower of London the cabby explained what it was and that construction
started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd
have that thing up in two weeks!"
The cab passed the House of Parliament next, the cabby stating that it
started construction in 1544 and was completed 1618.
"Boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.
"Whoa! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
"Darned if I know, wasn't there yesterday."
++++++++++++++++++
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." - Kin Hubbard
++++++++++++++++++
I have but one question...why are the rules all labelled 1. Don't you guys know how to count? Oh and you forgot the most important rule...
1. If men don't answer your question they aren't ignoring you - it means the answer is YES and you should have known that. Don't expect acknowledgement. Guys only answer if the answer is NO.
THE GUYS' RULES
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN FINALLY! , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
(I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD)
WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES"
From THE he female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES
LET IT BE.
1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT.
AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR 17 MONTHS IS A problem. SEE A DOCTOR.
1 ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS A G O IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we s aid can be interpreted TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE .
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT! A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL, THE SHOTGUN FORMATION,
OR G OLF.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. Round IS A SHAPE!
1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;
BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.
PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.
PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN
TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH
The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay on the topic,
"What is courage?"
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he
scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and
turned in the piece of paper.
All he had written was: "This is."
++++++++++++++++++
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by
the Tower of London the cabby explained what it was and that construction
started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd
have that thing up in two weeks!"
The cab passed the House of Parliament next, the cabby stating that it
started construction in 1544 and was completed 1618.
"Boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.
"Whoa! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
"Darned if I know, wasn't there yesterday."
++++++++++++++++++
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." - Kin Hubbard
++++++++++++++++++
I have but one question...why are the rules all labelled 1. Don't you guys know how to count? Oh and you forgot the most important rule...
1. If men don't answer your question they aren't ignoring you - it means the answer is YES and you should have known that. Don't expect acknowledgement. Guys only answer if the answer is NO.
THE GUYS' RULES
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN FINALLY! , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
(I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD)
WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES"
From THE he female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES
LET IT BE.
1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT.
AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR 17 MONTHS IS A problem. SEE A DOCTOR.
1 ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS A G O IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we s aid can be interpreted TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE .
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT! A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL, THE SHOTGUN FORMATION,
OR G OLF.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. Round IS A SHAPE!
1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;
BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.
PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.
PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN
TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 5th
"Talking Dog"
A guy is driving around Wadsworth, Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's lying, he never did any of that stuff."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cheese"
There's nothing grate about sliced cheese.
++++++++++++++++++
"How's this for a stupid idea? A California state senator has proposed an
amendment to the State Constitution that would lower the voting age to 14.
You know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We'd probably
wind up with an action hero as governor of the state." - Jay Leno
++++++++++++++++++
Magic of the Internet
My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the
magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask
Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.
Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the
keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is
Aunt Helen feeling?"
++++++++++++++++++
"Votive Candles"
Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight.
The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one - which they did. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. "Do you have any questions?" she asked.
"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."
- William James
++++++++++++++++++
"Romance"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One day a young man was writing a letter to his girl friend who lived just a few miles away in a nearby town. Among other things, he was telling her how much he loved her and how wonderful he thought she was.
The more he wrote, the more poetic he became. Finally, he said that in order to be with her he would suffer the greatest difficulties, he would face the greatest dangers that anyone could imagine. In fact, to spend only one minute with her, he would climb the highest mountain in the world. He would swim across the widest river. He would enter the deepest forest and with his bare hands fight against the fiercest animals.
He finished the letter, signed his name, and then suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to mention something quite important. So he added:
P.S. I will be over to see you Wednesday night as long as it doesn't rain.
A guy is driving around Wadsworth, Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's lying, he never did any of that stuff."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cheese"
There's nothing grate about sliced cheese.
++++++++++++++++++
"How's this for a stupid idea? A California state senator has proposed an
amendment to the State Constitution that would lower the voting age to 14.
You know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We'd probably
wind up with an action hero as governor of the state." - Jay Leno
++++++++++++++++++
Magic of the Internet
My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the
magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask
Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.
Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the
keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is
Aunt Helen feeling?"
++++++++++++++++++
"Votive Candles"
Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight.
The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one - which they did. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. "Do you have any questions?" she asked.
"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."
- William James
++++++++++++++++++
"Romance"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One day a young man was writing a letter to his girl friend who lived just a few miles away in a nearby town. Among other things, he was telling her how much he loved her and how wonderful he thought she was.
The more he wrote, the more poetic he became. Finally, he said that in order to be with her he would suffer the greatest difficulties, he would face the greatest dangers that anyone could imagine. In fact, to spend only one minute with her, he would climb the highest mountain in the world. He would swim across the widest river. He would enter the deepest forest and with his bare hands fight against the fiercest animals.
He finished the letter, signed his name, and then suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to mention something quite important. So he added:
P.S. I will be over to see you Wednesday night as long as it doesn't rain.
Monday, September 04, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 4th
"Second Wave"
While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time.
Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and enter. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"
++++++++++++++++++
One day a boy and his grandparents came to visit the 100-year-old church, a
national landmark, where I was working one summer. As they toured the
church, the grandfather was explaining some of the features, and the boy
listened attentively. Then they reached the confessional in the back.
"I know what this is!" the boy said excitedly, turning to his grandfather.
"This is time out, isn't it?"
++++++++++++++++++
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the
church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was
transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the
Municipal Golf Course."
++++++++++++++++++
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn
well."- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
++++++++++++++++++
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?
Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden!
"What fish?", replied the redneck.
++++++++++++++++++
Patio Problem
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time.
He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he
discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The
next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the
ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning.
Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going
to put your patio away every night?"
++++++++++++++++++
Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for
days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly,
"especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time.
Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and enter. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"
++++++++++++++++++
One day a boy and his grandparents came to visit the 100-year-old church, a
national landmark, where I was working one summer. As they toured the
church, the grandfather was explaining some of the features, and the boy
listened attentively. Then they reached the confessional in the back.
"I know what this is!" the boy said excitedly, turning to his grandfather.
"This is time out, isn't it?"
++++++++++++++++++
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the
church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was
transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the
Municipal Golf Course."
++++++++++++++++++
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn
well."- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
++++++++++++++++++
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?
Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden!
"What fish?", replied the redneck.
++++++++++++++++++
Patio Problem
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time.
He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he
discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The
next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the
ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning.
Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going
to put your patio away every night?"
++++++++++++++++++
Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for
days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly,
"especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Sunday, September 03, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 3rd
The Soup
WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Front Decisions"
The Army assigned a group of eminent psychiatrists to determine the best way to select soldiers for duty on the various fighting fronts. After many tests, the learned professors made their report:
"The best way to find out whether a soldier would be more effective in the desert or in the north was to ask him, 'What kind of weather do you like -- hot or cold?'"
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"To be content with little is hard; to be content with much is impossible."
-Marie Ebner
++++++++++++++++++
"Curiosity"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"
No more problem.
++++++++++++++++++
Martha Stewart's Financial Casserole
1. Boil a chicken until all the good stuff comes out.
2. Then, dump the stock.
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A new patient was being examined by a doctor. According to her husband, she
seemed to be suffering from amnesia.
The doctor asked, "Have you ever had this before?"
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It's not easy having Dyslexia. Last week I went to a toga party as a goat
WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"
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"Front Decisions"
The Army assigned a group of eminent psychiatrists to determine the best way to select soldiers for duty on the various fighting fronts. After many tests, the learned professors made their report:
"The best way to find out whether a soldier would be more effective in the desert or in the north was to ask him, 'What kind of weather do you like -- hot or cold?'"
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CleanQuote
"To be content with little is hard; to be content with much is impossible."
-Marie Ebner
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"Curiosity"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"
No more problem.
++++++++++++++++++
Martha Stewart's Financial Casserole
1. Boil a chicken until all the good stuff comes out.
2. Then, dump the stock.
++++++++++++++++++
A new patient was being examined by a doctor. According to her husband, she
seemed to be suffering from amnesia.
The doctor asked, "Have you ever had this before?"
++++++++++++++++++
It's not easy having Dyslexia. Last week I went to a toga party as a goat
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