hUMOR For Sept. 12th

Soon after our high-tech company moved into a new building,
we had trouble with the elevators. A manager got stuck
between floors and, after some door banging, finally
attracted attention. His name was taken and rescue promised.

It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived and
got the manager out. When he returned to his desk, he found
this note from his efficient secretary: "The elevator people
called and will be here in two hours."
+++++++++++++++++++
The best time to make friends is before you need them.
+++++++++++++++++++
Historic Church

While touring historic buildings in Alexandria, Virginia, we visited
an old church. The guide told us that George Washington had attended
services there and pointed to his pew.

A reverent silence fell. The guide, encouraged by this, went on to
tell us that church services back then had been very lengthy --
frequently lasting three hours or more.

The mood of the moment was shattered when an anonymous voice
whispered loudly, "So George Washington slept here too!"

hUMOR For Sept. 10th

Best 2006 blonde joke so far

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over -- so now we're going to Sea World."
+++++++++++++++++++
An 82 year old Vermont woman convicted of vehicular manslaughter has had her
license suspended for 10 years.

Apparently the state feels the time off will make her a more confident,
skilled and careful driver when they let her back on the road when she's 92.
+++++++++++++++++++
My husband is a doctor, and he received an emergency call from a patient.
She had a fly in her ear. He suggested an old home remedy. "Pour warm olive
oil into your ear and lie down for a few minutes," he said. "When you lift
your head the fly should emerge with the liquid."

The patient thought that sounded like a good idea, but she still asked,
"Into which ear should I pour the oil?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home, his face might burn up." - Jack Handey
+++++++++++++++++++
"Spa First Day"
A woman joined a health spa, and on her first day eagerly joined in an exercise class. However, when it ended she went to the front desk and requested cancellation of her membership.
When asked why, she replied, "Your floors are so low that I cannot touch my toes!"

hUMOR For Sept. 9th

"Zoo Sign"
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A pessimist mourns the future."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Training"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels.
A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Grandma, could I have a quarter?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Sweet little Danny boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so very proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. Grandma Land had never in her life had such a horribly bad cup of coffee. As she forced herself to down the last sip, she noticed three of those little green army men in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Sweet little Danny replied, "You know Grandma, it's like on TV ... 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Important Words

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who
had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The
DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're
probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

hUMOR For Sept. 8th

In the Pet Store 2

My brother adopted a snake named Slinky, whose most disagreeable
trait was eating live mice. Once I was pressed into going to the pet
store to buy Slinky's dinner. The worst part of this wasn't choosing
the juiciest-looking creatures or turning down the clerk who wanted
to sell me vitamins to ensure their longevity. The hardest part was
carrying the poor things out in a box bearing the words "Thank you
for giving me a home."
++++++++++++++++++
"Guard Dog"
My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?
Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.
Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Everyone who got where they are .. had to begin where they were."
- Richard L Evans
++++++++++++++++++
"The "Forwarder's" 12 Step Program"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need to. If you are one of those people who like to forward every e-mail you get, please repeat the following ...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail! (If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next three months! (No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
++++++++++++++++++
Once, I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138
mainframe at a local college. My position had been
reclassified so that it fell into a new area outside of the
Information Technology staff.

One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at
the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the
two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it
was currently processing.

I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling
the room. The computer is over there."
++++++++++++++++++
Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had
heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, "Can you
deliver it filled with water?"

Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred
pounds!"

After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it
in?"
++++++++++++++++++
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic
first line but least romantic second line:

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are
you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Dang, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
778/jky789u screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
++++++++++++++++++
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." -
Mario Andretti

hUMOR For Sept. 7th

In the Pet Store 1

"As I was walking through a variety store, I stopped at the pet
department to look at some parakeets. In one cage a green bird lay on
his back, one foot hooked oddly into the cage wire. I was about to
alert the saleswoman to the bird's plight when I noticed a sign taped
to the cage: 'No, I am not sick. No, I am not dead. No, my leg is not
stuck in the cage. I just like to sleep this way.'"
++++++++++++++++++
"Construction Noise"
During a beautiful spring afternoon, I was attending a music festival. Just as I stopped to listen to a folk singer, a group of exhibitors, dragging out tools and sawhorses, began setting up their display booth nearby. All their shouting and hammering made it difficult to enjoy the music. The noise they made got louder and even more obnoxious and intrusive as time went on.
Finally, to everyone's relief, they completed the construction.
As a finishing touch, they hung a sign on their booth. It read "Silent Auction."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
++++++++++++++++++
Grenade"
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France resulted in "Linoleum Blownapart."
++++++++++++++++++
I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we
sing "Silent Night." Age 5

I learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli
either. Age 7

I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they
stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it,
Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12

I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should
try cheering someone else up. Age 14

I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly
glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

I learned that silent company is often more healing than
words of advice. Age 24

I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's
great pleasures. Age 26

I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have
followed me there. Age29

I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I
must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30

I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just
don't know how to show it. Age 42

I learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending
them a little note. Age 44

I learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the
greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47

I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems
today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age
48

I learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits
for hours. Age 49

I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away
from the phone. Age 50

I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51

I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a
medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

I learned that regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I learned that making a living is not the same thing as
making a life. Age 58

I learned that if you want to do something positive for your
children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61

I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age
62

I learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers
mitt on both hands.You need to be able to throw something
back. Age 64

I learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your
work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can,
happiness will find you. Age 65

I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I
usually make the right decision. Age 66

I learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

I learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be
one. Age 82

I learned that every day you should reach out and touch
someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm
hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 90

I learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

hUMOR For Sept. 6th

A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his university.
The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay on the topic,
"What is courage?"

The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he
scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and
turned in the piece of paper.

All he had written was: "This is."
++++++++++++++++++
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by
the Tower of London the cabby explained what it was and that construction
started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412.

The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd
have that thing up in two weeks!"

The cab passed the House of Parliament next, the cabby stating that it
started construction in 1544 and was completed 1618.

"Boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.

"Whoa! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.

"Darned if I know, wasn't there yesterday."
++++++++++++++++++
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." - Kin Hubbard
++++++++++++++++++
I have but one question...why are the rules all labelled 1. Don't you guys know how to count? Oh and you forgot the most important rule...

1. If men don't answer your question they aren't ignoring you - it means the answer is YES and you should have known that. Don't expect acknowledgement. Guys only answer if the answer is NO.




THE GUYS' RULES

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN FINALLY! , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
(I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD)
WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES"
From THE he female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES
LET IT BE.

1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT.
AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR 17 MONTHS IS A problem. SEE A DOCTOR.

1 ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS A G O IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we s aid can be interpreted TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE .

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT! A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL, THE SHOTGUN FORMATION,
OR G OLF.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. Round IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;


BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN
TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH

hUMOR For Sept. 5th

"Talking Dog"
A guy is driving around Wadsworth, Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's lying, he never did any of that stuff."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cheese"
There's nothing grate about sliced cheese.
++++++++++++++++++
"How's this for a stupid idea? A California state senator has proposed an
amendment to the State Constitution that would lower the voting age to 14.
You know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We'd probably
wind up with an action hero as governor of the state." - Jay Leno
++++++++++++++++++
Magic of the Internet

My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the
magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask
Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.
Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the
keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is
Aunt Helen feeling?"
++++++++++++++++++
"Votive Candles"
Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight.
The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one - which they did. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. "Do you have any questions?" she asked.
"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."
- William James
++++++++++++++++++
"Romance"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One day a young man was writing a letter to his girl friend who lived just a few miles away in a nearby town. Among other things, he was telling her how much he loved her and how wonderful he thought she was.
The more he wrote, the more poetic he became. Finally, he said that in order to be with her he would suffer the greatest difficulties, he would face the greatest dangers that anyone could imagine. In fact, to spend only one minute with her, he would climb the highest mountain in the world. He would swim across the widest river. He would enter the deepest forest and with his bare hands fight against the fiercest animals.
He finished the letter, signed his name, and then suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to mention something quite important. So he added:
P.S. I will be over to see you Wednesday night as long as it doesn't rain.

hUMOR For Sept. 4th

"Second Wave"
While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time.
Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and enter. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"
++++++++++++++++++
One day a boy and his grandparents came to visit the 100-year-old church, a
national landmark, where I was working one summer. As they toured the
church, the grandfather was explaining some of the features, and the boy
listened attentively. Then they reached the confessional in the back.

"I know what this is!" the boy said excitedly, turning to his grandfather.
"This is time out, isn't it?"
++++++++++++++++++
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the
church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was
transferring from.

The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the
Municipal Golf Course."
++++++++++++++++++
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn
well."- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
++++++++++++++++++
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?
Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden!
"What fish?", replied the redneck.
++++++++++++++++++
Patio Problem

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time.
He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he
discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The
next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the
ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning.
Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going
to put your patio away every night?"
++++++++++++++++++
Zoo Trip

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for
days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly,
"especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

hUMOR For Sept. 3rd

The Soup

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."

WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"

CUSTOMER: "Taste it."

WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."

CUSTOMER: "Taste it."

WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."

CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"

WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."

Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"

To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Front Decisions"
The Army assigned a group of eminent psychiatrists to determine the best way to select soldiers for duty on the various fighting fronts. After many tests, the learned professors made their report:
"The best way to find out whether a soldier would be more effective in the desert or in the north was to ask him, 'What kind of weather do you like -- hot or cold?'"
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"To be content with little is hard; to be content with much is impossible."
-Marie Ebner
++++++++++++++++++
"Curiosity"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"
No more problem.
++++++++++++++++++
Martha Stewart's Financial Casserole

1. Boil a chicken until all the good stuff comes out.
2. Then, dump the stock.
++++++++++++++++++
A new patient was being examined by a doctor. According to her husband, she
seemed to be suffering from amnesia.

The doctor asked, "Have you ever had this before?"
++++++++++++++++++
It's not easy having Dyslexia. Last week I went to a toga party as a goat

hUMOR For Sept. 2nd

Locked Out

My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one evening to
find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old
sister fast asleep.

Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first at the
back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my father's
name over and over, with no answer. The car horn aroused the
neighbors but no one at our house. We drove into town and phoned
home, finally waking Steven.

When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring, with the
television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad woke right up.

"Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Teacher Tech Help"
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day."
-Sally Koch
++++++++++++++++++
"Parental Supervision"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
++++++++++++++++++
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"
++++++++++++++++++
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80-foot
stepladder with a coathanger.

I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went
anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my
driveway.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for
drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't
tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out
the window...

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your
job."

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell
right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said,
"Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I
replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the
prescription for my eyeglasses ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy
anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a
big buffet in the shape of a ouija board. You'd think about
what kind of food you want and the table would move across
the floor to it.

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something
wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the
night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an
exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and
showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been
replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a
new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off
infinity.

I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land
on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back
of a cat and drop it?

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above... so I never have to go upstairs.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is,
it's always room temperature.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were
broadcast all over the world.

Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a
flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich...My
neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they
called the cops.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark til he was eight years old.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he
makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on
this tour. I said, "The whole time."

My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home
across the street except the little kids, I go out and lift
my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard
or I'll throw it at them.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my
car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned
it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it
around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He
said, "Where do you live?..." I said, "Right here..." Then I
drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran
outside and told all of the cars to get out of my driveway.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He
said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I
don't believe everything I read."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the
same time.

So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now
everything in my house is shiny.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has
false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio
announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't
hear him talk.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of
people on a tree.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on
the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm
afraid of widths.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the
shore looking like an idiot.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only
slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle
in the air.

Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said,
"Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They
said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I
said, "I'll wait..."

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just
a second.

What's another word for thesaurus?

When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the
backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually...

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked me, "Did
you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a
sweater real quick...

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came
back the entire area was missing...

You can't have everything...Where would you put it?

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a
psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you
think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all
the time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and
you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm
like that all the time.
++++++++++++++++++
"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." - Albert Einstein

hUMOR For Sept 1st

In case you've never seen him, Steven Wright is a standup
comedian who delivers all his jokes as a series of
absolutely dead pan, no expression statements. So imagine
these statements being made in a quiet, almost monotone
delivery ...

(Ad he did for a local student radio station): Whenever I'm
in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and
when I'm out of town, they mail it to me...

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have
to go. You'll just be walking down the street,
and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above
me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady
across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a
pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the
vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown
and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count
how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
beach... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and
say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in
your life!"

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID
that he just whipped out a quarter?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it
will be up all night?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I
don't get it...

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left
it running... [slow glance upward]

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I
put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of
his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell
which way to put batteries in.

I bought a house on a one-way, dead-end road; I don't know
how I got there.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had
to buy them again.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven
years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I collect rare photographs. I have two. One of Houdini
locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture
of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at
once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When
I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go
like this... (FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot
smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores
me and keeps on typing.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it
wasn't doing what I was doing.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on
purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it
[moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly],
and says, "Here, you can go."

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got
dizzy...

I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff
notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he
said, "Well first I.....I just....to make a long story
short..."

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of
sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the
world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I have a map of the United States .... it's original size
... it says one mile equals one mile.

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all
over it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who
live above me are furious!

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an
evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on
and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...

I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I lost a button hole today.

I met her at Macy's. She was shopping. I was putting Slinkys
on the escalator.

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one
out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran
around in circles.

I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went
back in time.

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this
switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I
had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and
down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a
letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now
it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got
cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It
was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said, "Oops."
++++++++++++++++++
Two men were finishing their work day and one said, "I hate to go home.
Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash
the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed alone."

His co-worker asked, "Why don't you find a nice girl and get married?"

As the first man shut his briefcase he replied, "I am married."
++++++++++++++++++
My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and
three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger
child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister,
tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics
and pounded the table.

Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth,
"If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!"

The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said.
"Quality time."
++++++++++++++++++
Q. What do you call 50,000 geeks playing Monopoly?
A. Microsoft.

hUMOR For Aug. 31st

"Heredity"
Father, Mother and their 3 sons, John (the oldest), Mike (middle) and Steve (youngest) are conversing around the table after dinner. The subject of traits of parents being passed on to children comes up.
The Father says, "John has my eyes, Mike has my creativity, and Steve has my intelligence."
Steve responds, "Daddy, what's intelligence?"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Chicken"
A chicken crossing the road is "poultry in motion."
++++++++++++++++++
Old Maserati

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy,
Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven
it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement
parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses
ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed
Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry
any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he
replied. "Oil."
++++++++++++++++++
A man has an hour before his flight to Los Angeles. He
decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and
sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty
whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself
to the nervous guy and buys him a drink.

The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"

The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I
j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're
g-going to d-die."

"Is this your first time flying?"

"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my
job."

"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive
cross-country?"

"H-he would never l-let me do that."

"Why not?" asks the man.

The nervous guy replies, "B-because I'm the p-pilot."
++++++++++++++++++
An old country farmer had a teenage son, Dan, and it was
getting time Dan should give some thought to
choosing a profession. Like many young men, Dan
didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't
seem too concerned about it.

One day, while Dan was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into Dan's
room and placed on his study table three objects:
a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old farmer
said to himself, "and when he comes home from school
this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If
it's the Bible, he's going to be a farmer like me,
and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the
dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would
be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's
going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord,
what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's
footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed
for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as
he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on
the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect
them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it
under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and
dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna
be a Ted Kennedy Democrat!"
++++++++++++++++++
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a
sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in old Dan's front
yard.

Old Dan, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole and bury all of the politicians. A few hours later,
the local sheriff came by to investigate, saw the crashed bus and asked old
Dan where all the politicians had gone. Old Dan said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked old Dan, "Were they ALL dead?" Old Dan replied, "Well,
some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
++++++++++++++++++
Crime and Punishment

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime.
Their sentence was to spend a few years in the desert. The judge said
that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade
whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?"

The man replied, "If it gets too hot, I can roll down the window."

hUMOR For Aug. 30th

Not Feeling Well

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.

"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.

"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.

"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.

"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing,
by the way?"

Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
++++++++++++++++++
"Brotherly Chores"
Drew and Timmy were brothers. One day Mom and Dad had to go into town. Dad told Drew, "While we are gone I want you boys to clear away the dirty dishes, clean your room, and mow the grass."
When they returned nothing had been done. Dad was very upset. He asked Drew, "What have you been doing while we were gone?"
Drew replied in a low voice, "Nothing."
Dad then turns to Timmy and asks, "What have you been doing?"
Timmy replied, "Helping Drew."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody else has thought."
-Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi
++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Change"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled to accommodate professional offices. One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over the phone.
"Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll find us in the meat department."
++++++++++++++++++
Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved
to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I
called a local pizza shop for a delivery.

"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said,
then gave him the address of our condominium.

"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other
end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
++++++++++++++++++
Many of us "Old Folks" are quite confused about how we should present
ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the
fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon
the world. So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the
results.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do
not go together:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a walker

With these guidelines I'm sure we'll all be looking good.
++++++++++++++++++
Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a
diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.

"Excuse me," she said to the saleslady behind the counter, "Will a small
deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"
++++++++++++++++++
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit
with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's
relativity." - Albert Einstein
++++++++++++++++++
Growing up

Little motor: "Grandpa, why do you have 4 wires and I only have two?"
Big motor: "That's just a phase that's going through you."

Photon relations

One photon to another: I am sick and tired of your interference.

I wrote this many years ago for the sci.optics news group, so it must be public domain by now.

Luck

A man was complaining about his life to his clergyman.

"I was a hard-working clerk making $30,000 per year. I was frugal, living carefully, saving my money, and I was happy and content.
Then one day I fell in with some shady characters and I got suckered into a high-stakes poker game. That was my ruin. Now I am anxious, stressed, and miserable."

His friend says "So you fell into temptation and lost all your savings?"
"No, I won, and like a fool I bought this lousy internet company."

Lesson

As Entrepreneurs we tend to want to teach our children the lessons that we have learned. Sometimes this is confusing to them. One entrepreneur sat his four year old son down and said
"It's time for your lesson." What's two plus two?
The little boy said "Two plus two is Six."
"No, son," his father said, two plus two is not six. "Two plus two is four."
"I'm sorry, father," said the little boy. "I thought we were negotiating
Teamwork

An engineering manager was once asked his definition of "Teamwork."

He said "Teamwork is where everyone in the department is doing what I tell them without whining.

Invention
If necessity is the mother of invention, why are there so many unnecessary inventions?

This joke is in the public domain

Salt

There was the engineer that was putting sea water in his batteries without the boss knowing. He was arrested for salt-in-battery, but even though the charge wouldn't hold up, he is sitting in his cell serving an current sentence.


Contributed by Doug Elliot, used with permission

Bats

Scientists have found a way to inject Bat genes into students. They ended up with engineers who like to be kept in the dark!

Pass/Fail

A new technician was put to work on the production line test station. "Just plug in the connector and read the voltage. If the voltage reads between 3 and 4 volts it passes. If not it fails, and you put it in the "fail" bin."

After his first shift he told his supervisor "I quit."

"What is the matter?" asked the supervisor, "the work can't be that hard."

"Oh, it isn't the work, that's easy. I'm going crazy with making all those decisions."

Schedule
One manager was bragging to another. "I have a great engineer working for me. Last week I gave him a project and he stayed up for six straight days, completed the circuit board design, finished the bill of materials and wrote a thousand lines of firmware. The completed projected was on my desk when I got to work on Monday morning."

His friend asked "So how far ahead of schedule was he?"

The manager said, "Ahead of schedule? Who ever heard of an engineer doing that?"

Impressions
Why did the battery-powered branding iron fail in the marketplace?

The calves weren't impressed by it.


Sweet

What is cylindrical, sweet, brown, and has 10,000 ohms?
A chocolate-covered resistor.


Capital Equipment

An engineer walks into his boss's office and says "I want enough money to buy a new HP System Analyzer."

His boss says "Why do you need a System Analyzer?"
The engineer says "I don't, I just want that much money."


Book

I gave my nephew a book for his birthday. He went crazy trying to find where to put the batteries.

This joke is in the public domain

Repair

A lady took her CD player into the repairman. "I am afraid you have a short circuit," he told her.
She said "I don't care how much it costs, lengthen it."

This joke is in the public domain


Job Requirements

To survive as a power supply designer you need just two things--a solid technical foundation and CPR.


Car battery

I took my car to my mechanic for a checkup. He told me that my battery needs a new car.

This joke is in the public domain


Constructive Criticism

An engineer gets a call from his patent lawyer. "Good news," he says. "RCA just licensed your invention and left a check for a million dollars. Come over and sign the deal and pick up the check."

About two hours later the engineer finally shows up at the lawyer's office.

"What kept you?" said the attorney. "On the way out I decided to stop by the Chief Engineer's office and tell him what I thought of his latest circuit."

This joke is in the public domain


Shuttle Delay

The space shuttle pilot and co-pilot are sitting atop the rocket waiting for launch. Over the headphones they hear announced a ten minute delay. "Oh, no," said the pilot. The co-pilot said "no big deal, this happens all the time." The pilot said, "No, look at the monitor, they're bringing in jumper cables."


Not Perfect

A solar panel installer was up on a roof, when out of the sky a bolt of lightning strikes the roof, blowing him off the roof, across the street, and through the neighbor's picture window. He gets off the floor, turns to the startled family and says "That's the one thing I hate about this job."

This joke is in the public domain

Tags attached to laboratory equipment in the hope that it will prevent it from "walking off."

Danger: High Impedance

Warning: This device contains matter, which is known by the State of California to cause warpage of space and time.

Warning: Operate only while wearing a lead apron.

Notice: You are free to borrow this spectrum analyzer as long as you return it within 24 hours. And please let me know if you start itching or have trouble focusing your eyes while in the 100 MHz to 2 GHz range.

Fireflies
Scientists have developed a firefly that is 10,000 times brighter than a wild firefly. The only problem is that the firefly is a little disgruntled at being strapped to a five pound battery.

Lyrics to "Who let the Smoke Out."

Who let the smoke out
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)

Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)

(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)

When the circuit was made, the product was sumpin' (Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo)
And everybody proud of it all (Hah, ho, Yippie Yi Yo)
I tell the fellas "start the thing pumpin" (Yippie Yi Yo)
And the plug goes in to the wall

The smoke broke show brown

Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)

I see a little smoke puff–makin' some toast
Lights really dim in the town
Get blame off me, shame off me
Rollout is gon' take a bit longer

hUMOR For August 29th

"Parachute Training"
I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Democracy"
"Always remember -- in a democracy, your vote counts. But in a feudal system, your count votes."
++++++++++++++++++
"In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been
times like these." - Paul Harvey
++++++++++++++++++
"Orchestra Note"
While a famous orchestra was on tour, the conductor found this note under his hotel room door one night:
"I think you should know that the fellow in your band who plays the instrument that pulls in and out only bothered playing during the odd moments you were looking straight at him."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner

"Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Relocation"
Village Dry Cleaners has relocated to High Street, right next door to St. Joseph's Church.
After March 1, Cleanliness Is Next to Godliness.
++++++++++++++++++
Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas.
Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a
quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He
finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the
quarter.

Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the
quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his
winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his
modest winnings into a million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the
lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He
tells his audiences that he will always be eternally
grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man, he
will share his fortune with him.

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and
says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the
quarter."

"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm
looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!"

hUMOR For August 28th

One day a boy and his grandparents came to visit the 100-year-old church, a
national landmark, where I was working one summer. As they toured the
church, the grandfather was explaining some of the features, and the boy
listened attentively. Then they reached the confessional in the back.

"I know what this is!" the boy said excitedly, turning to his grandfather.
"This is time out, isn't it?"
++++++++++++++++++
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the
church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was
transferring from.

The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the
Municipal Golf Course."
++++++++++++++++++
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn
well."- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
++++++++++++++++++
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.... " He sighed.............."Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

Have a happy day, smiling uses fewer less than a frown
++++++++++++++++++
If you HAVE kids, you must read this (& maybe POST IT BY THE TABLE for frequent review.).

If you WERE a kid, you must read it and smile.

LAWS PERTAINING TO DESSERT

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: if you have eaten most of your meat and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or a total of six pease, eaten were I can see and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

LAWS WHEN AT TABLE

And if you are seated in your high chair or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and elbows off the table and your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk without uttering a slurp, gulp, or any other noise that should reach my eears. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for. If you will dip your blocks in the milk and lick it off, you will be sent away.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.

And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you and do not lean to one side or the other nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if sit like, your head will go into the syrup. And no, behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

ON SREAMING

Do not scream for it as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand. But I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server that the server may correct the fault. Likewise, you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face nor press your fingers to your nose. For even not I have made the fish as it should be; behold I eat it myself, yet do I not die.
++++++++++++++++++
Elk Hunting

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north
for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their
venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back,
as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane,
including the six elk. But the pilot objected and
said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you
will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot
six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard.
The plane was the same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put
all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off
and leave the valley, the little plane could not make
it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the
other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this
is about the same place where we crashed last year."
++++++++++++++++++
Theology, kid style

1. Dear God, please put another holiday between
Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there
now. Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I
asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything
before. You can look it up. Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy
for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and
a shot. Janet

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody
will tell me. Love, Alison

5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told
you? Charlene

6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven
if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all
of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4
people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of
all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like
walking on water, too. Glenn

9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he
was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis

10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the
countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan

11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like
that or was it an accident? Norma

12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk
that fancy? Jennifer

13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in
the old days and don't do any now? Billy

14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different
summer camp this year. Peter

15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each
other so much if they each had their own rooms. It
works out OK with me and my brother. Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never
did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark

17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are
born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha

18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will
show you my new shoes. Barbara

19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do
you just know him through the business? Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better
God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am
not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles

21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the
stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with
the moon? Jeff

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank

And, saving the best for last . .

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That
was really cool. Thomas

hUMOR For Aug. 27th

CleanLaugh - "Kiss Good-bye"
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If you done it, it ain't bragging."
- Walt Whitman
++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Tension"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.
In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."
My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"
++++++++++++++++++
Unpaid Bill

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship
your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
++++++++++++++++++
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.
++++++++++++++++++
My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led
us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs
and asked if it could be cleaned off.

The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other
side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked,
"Did I get it all?"
++++++++++++++++++
One night at an Air Force Base in Washington, I was dispatched to check out
the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of
the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found that a raccoon was the
culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare off the animal.

Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and
announced loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are
cleared for takeoff."
++++++++++++++++++
"Rose Plague"
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."

hUMOR For Aug. 26th

+++++++++++++++++
"Job Impressions"
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.
"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.
"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."
Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"
She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gum"
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
- Mitch Hedberg
++++++++++++++++++
Cool Coffee

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered
coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that
I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a
delay. Finally, the clerk came to the window looking frustrated, and
announced, "I'm having a problem. The ice keeps melting."
++++++++++++++++++
An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car
failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items
around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas
line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back
on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his
surprise it started, and he headed for the nearest town for
a permanent repair. To celebrate his success, he lit up a
cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He
stuck his arm out the window, hoping the wind at 50 miles
per hour would put it out.

He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a
ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.
++++++++++++++++++
I hope I live to be as old as my jokes

hUMOR For Aug. 25th

And Then There Was Science

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

Well," says the scientist,
"we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it,
thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
"Get your own dirt."

Amen!
++++++++++++++++++
"Snack Costs"
My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"
"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?"
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
++++++++++++++++++
"Common Sense"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend has a lifesaving tool in her car.
It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
++++++++++++++++++
A Child's View of Marriage

When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time
grasping the concept of marriage. So, I got out our wedding album,
thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.

Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied,
"Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, Daddy?"
++++++++++++++++++
Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what's the matter?"

"Oh, Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have
tuberculosis."

"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis?
Ridiculous," said Abe. "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this
sorted out right now."

So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her
she has tuberculosis."

The doctor said something to Abe, and with that, Abe began
laughing. "So what's so funny about my having such a
dreadful disease?" asked Esther.

"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say you that you have
'tuberculosis,' he said you have 'too big a tuchas'!"
++++++++++++++++++
The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married
twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had
an argument in all those years."

"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"

"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
++++++++++++++++++
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try
other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
++++++++++++++++++
Popeye turns 75 this year. You can tell the sailor man is getting older. He
no longer eats spinach to fight Brutus. He now does it to fight
irregularity.

hUMOR For Aug. 24th

TRIVIA: True or False? Chicago is nicknamed the
"Windy City" because of its blustery politicians.

Joel A. Barker said, "A leader is a person you
will follow to a place you wouldn't go by yourself."
Hmmmmm.
ANSWER AT BOTTOM
++++++++++++++++++
"Nail Biting"
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"All the world loves a lover - except people who are waiting to use the phone."
- Milton Berle
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Make-Up"
Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes.
++++++++++++++++++
Call Center

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to JLH: Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. So I called him a name. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him another name. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...
++++++++++++++++++
From JokesEveryDay: Raise

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.
"There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other
companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the
gas company."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to L.B.S. for the next several: CHRISTIAN HUMOR

There was this gracious lady mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the
postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered
the lady.
.......................................................
When a church seeks a preacher, they want the strength
of an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a
dove, the friendliness of a sparrow, and the night
hours of an owl. And when they catch that bird, they
expect him to live on the food of a canary.
.......................................................
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young
class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the
Bible... Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to
learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the
task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After
much practice, he could barely get past the first
line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to
recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby
was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to
the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my
shepherd...and that's all I need to know!"
.......................................................
A 5 year old boy was sitting down to eat when his
mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied,
"Mom, we don't have to. We prayed over this last
night.
.......................................................
Preacher's Announcement Before Offering: "I would like
to remind you that what you are about to give is
deductible, cannot be taken with you, and the love of
which is considered in the Bible the root of all
evil."
.......................................................
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to give thanks before
Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their
heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking
God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then
he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister,
Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then
he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for
the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the
cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool
Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at
his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the
broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
.......................................................
A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he
spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella
on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you
a Christian?"
"Yes."
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
She nodded her head, "Yes."
Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she
answered, "Yes."
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold
my quarter while I go swimming?"
.......................................................
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a
large city because he was short of time and couldn't
find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the
windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give
you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO
TEMPTATION."
.......................................................
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull
over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the
ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the
merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." The cop handed
the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no
more."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: According to my sources, Chicago is nicknamed
the "Windy City" because of its blustery politicians.
Weatherwise, Chicago is not even in the top ten of
America's windiest cities -- it ranks 16th, with an
average wind speed of 10.4 miles per hour.

hUMOR For Aug. 23rd

"Neighborhood Explosion"
The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.
"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
++++++++++++++++++
Housekeeper?

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her
much until one evening when her husband called from the hall,
somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I
had a phone number written on it."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." - Anonymous
++++++++++++++++++
"Promises"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"
"No," he replied. A whole lot of them begin with "If elected I promise..."
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I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on
giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me
about his most memorable client.

"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings
from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One
earring read, 'With all,' and the other, 'my love.' When I
asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To
remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I
should let it go in one ear and out the other.'"
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TEACHERS MANUAL

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory
Computer Science Courses for Non-majors

LATE HOMEWORK
1.When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full
credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full
credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it
until after you complete your Ph.D.

DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS
1.If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce
that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave.

2.If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try
taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to
flunk your class.

LECTURES
1.In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the
class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the
readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this.

2.When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the
art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite
unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the
end of class you scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have
to get the material from the book.

GRADING
1.Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade
papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when
seen from a distance.

2.You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and
easy grading:
20 % Name
20 % Penmanship
50 % Homework is stapled together
10 % The work itself
Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.

GRADING ERRORS
1.If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was
marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark
student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you
onto student A.

EXTRA CREDIT
1.If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't
turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra
credit problems are: Solve the dining philosophers problem, using
semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick
into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for
the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood.

2.You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work
while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work,
decide against it.

CHEATING
1.When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each others
homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then
photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework.

2.Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect
information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on
exams. Examples that have proven effective at this technique include:
The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe,and Curly. The only
possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1,and 2. The three components of
the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS, and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures.
The microphone is an output device. "Booting" the computer involves waving a
large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating
system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system
running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main
memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse
"sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says
that you can write any computer program using only three basic control
structures: Sequence, Selection, and Guessing.

LAB
You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist
with student's questions. Student's have been known to come up with some
real beauties: Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet." "My disk erased
itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week." "Directory?
What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer."
Here are the solutions to the most common problems:

P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing"
S: Turn on the monitor

P: "How do I get into Windows?"
S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy.

P: "I can't get this computer to do anything."
S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard.

P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file."
S: Reprimand the printer.

P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do."
S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.
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I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to
any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs,
I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my
husband.

"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
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"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." - Jack Handey