One day a boy and his grandparents came to visit the 100-year-old church, a
national landmark, where I was working one summer. As they toured the
church, the grandfather was explaining some of the features, and the boy
listened attentively. Then they reached the confessional in the back.
"I know what this is!" the boy said excitedly, turning to his grandfather.
"This is time out, isn't it?"
++++++++++++++++++
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the
church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was
transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the
Municipal Golf Course."
++++++++++++++++++
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn
well."- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
++++++++++++++++++
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.... " He sighed.............."Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
Have a happy day, smiling uses fewer less than a frown
++++++++++++++++++
If you HAVE kids, you must read this (& maybe POST IT BY THE TABLE for frequent review.).
If you WERE a kid, you must read it and smile.
LAWS PERTAINING TO DESSERT
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: if you have eaten most of your meat and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or a total of six pease, eaten were I can see and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
LAWS WHEN AT TABLE
And if you are seated in your high chair or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and elbows off the table and your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk without uttering a slurp, gulp, or any other noise that should reach my eears. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for. If you will dip your blocks in the milk and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you and do not lean to one side or the other nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if sit like, your head will go into the syrup. And no, behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
ON SREAMING
Do not scream for it as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand. But I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server that the server may correct the fault. Likewise, you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face nor press your fingers to your nose. For even not I have made the fish as it should be; behold I eat it myself, yet do I not die.
++++++++++++++++++
Elk Hunting
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north
for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their
venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back,
as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane,
including the six elk. But the pilot objected and
said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you
will have to leave two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot
six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard.
The plane was the same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put
all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off
and leave the valley, the little plane could not make
it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the
other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this
is about the same place where we crashed last year."
++++++++++++++++++
Theology, kid style
1. Dear God, please put another holiday between
Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there
now. Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I
asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything
before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy
for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and
a shot. Janet
4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody
will tell me. Love, Alison
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told
you? Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven
if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all
of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4
people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of
all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like
walking on water, too. Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he
was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the
countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like
that or was it an accident? Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk
that fancy? Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in
the old days and don't do any now? Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different
summer camp this year. Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each
other so much if they each had their own rooms. It
works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never
did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are
born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha
18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will
show you my new shoes. Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do
you just know him through the business? Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better
God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am
not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the
stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with
the moon? Jeff
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
And, saving the best for last . .
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That
was really cool. Thomas
Monday, August 28, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 27th
CleanLaugh - "Kiss Good-bye"
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If you done it, it ain't bragging."
- Walt Whitman
++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Tension"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.
In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."
My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"
++++++++++++++++++
Unpaid Bill
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship
your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
++++++++++++++++++
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.
++++++++++++++++++
My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led
us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs
and asked if it could be cleaned off.
The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other
side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked,
"Did I get it all?"
++++++++++++++++++
One night at an Air Force Base in Washington, I was dispatched to check out
the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of
the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found that a raccoon was the
culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare off the animal.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and
announced loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are
cleared for takeoff."
++++++++++++++++++
"Rose Plague"
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If you done it, it ain't bragging."
- Walt Whitman
++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Tension"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.
In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."
My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"
++++++++++++++++++
Unpaid Bill
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship
your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
++++++++++++++++++
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.
++++++++++++++++++
My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led
us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs
and asked if it could be cleaned off.
The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other
side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked,
"Did I get it all?"
++++++++++++++++++
One night at an Air Force Base in Washington, I was dispatched to check out
the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of
the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found that a raccoon was the
culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare off the animal.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and
announced loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are
cleared for takeoff."
++++++++++++++++++
"Rose Plague"
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
Saturday, August 26, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 26th
+++++++++++++++++
"Job Impressions"
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.
"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.
"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."
Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"
She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gum"
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
- Mitch Hedberg
++++++++++++++++++
Cool Coffee
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered
coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that
I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a
delay. Finally, the clerk came to the window looking frustrated, and
announced, "I'm having a problem. The ice keeps melting."
++++++++++++++++++
An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car
failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items
around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas
line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back
on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his
surprise it started, and he headed for the nearest town for
a permanent repair. To celebrate his success, he lit up a
cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He
stuck his arm out the window, hoping the wind at 50 miles
per hour would put it out.
He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a
ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.
++++++++++++++++++
I hope I live to be as old as my jokes
"Job Impressions"
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.
"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.
"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."
Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"
She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gum"
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
- Mitch Hedberg
++++++++++++++++++
Cool Coffee
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered
coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that
I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a
delay. Finally, the clerk came to the window looking frustrated, and
announced, "I'm having a problem. The ice keeps melting."
++++++++++++++++++
An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car
failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items
around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas
line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back
on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his
surprise it started, and he headed for the nearest town for
a permanent repair. To celebrate his success, he lit up a
cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He
stuck his arm out the window, hoping the wind at 50 miles
per hour would put it out.
He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a
ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.
++++++++++++++++++
I hope I live to be as old as my jokes
Friday, August 25, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 25th
And Then There Was Science
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."
Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
Well," says the scientist,
"we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it,
thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
"Get your own dirt."
Amen!
++++++++++++++++++
"Snack Costs"
My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"
"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?"
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
++++++++++++++++++
"Common Sense"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend has a lifesaving tool in her car.
It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
++++++++++++++++++
A Child's View of Marriage
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time
grasping the concept of marriage. So, I got out our wedding album,
thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied,
"Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, Daddy?"
++++++++++++++++++
Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what's the matter?"
"Oh, Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have
tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis?
Ridiculous," said Abe. "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this
sorted out right now."
So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her
she has tuberculosis."
The doctor said something to Abe, and with that, Abe began
laughing. "So what's so funny about my having such a
dreadful disease?" asked Esther.
"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say you that you have
'tuberculosis,' he said you have 'too big a tuchas'!"
++++++++++++++++++
The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married
twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had
an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
++++++++++++++++++
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try
other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
++++++++++++++++++
Popeye turns 75 this year. You can tell the sailor man is getting older. He
no longer eats spinach to fight Brutus. He now does it to fight
irregularity.
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."
Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
Well," says the scientist,
"we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it,
thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
"Get your own dirt."
Amen!
++++++++++++++++++
"Snack Costs"
My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"
"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?"
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar for it."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
++++++++++++++++++
"Common Sense"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend has a lifesaving tool in her car.
It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
++++++++++++++++++
A Child's View of Marriage
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time
grasping the concept of marriage. So, I got out our wedding album,
thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied,
"Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, Daddy?"
++++++++++++++++++
Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what's the matter?"
"Oh, Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have
tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis?
Ridiculous," said Abe. "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this
sorted out right now."
So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her
she has tuberculosis."
The doctor said something to Abe, and with that, Abe began
laughing. "So what's so funny about my having such a
dreadful disease?" asked Esther.
"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say you that you have
'tuberculosis,' he said you have 'too big a tuchas'!"
++++++++++++++++++
The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married
twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had
an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
++++++++++++++++++
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try
other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
++++++++++++++++++
Popeye turns 75 this year. You can tell the sailor man is getting older. He
no longer eats spinach to fight Brutus. He now does it to fight
irregularity.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 24th
TRIVIA: True or False? Chicago is nicknamed the
"Windy City" because of its blustery politicians.
Joel A. Barker said, "A leader is a person you
will follow to a place you wouldn't go by yourself."
Hmmmmm.
ANSWER AT BOTTOM
++++++++++++++++++
"Nail Biting"
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"All the world loves a lover - except people who are waiting to use the phone."
- Milton Berle
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Make-Up"
Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes.
++++++++++++++++++
Call Center
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to JLH: Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. So I called him a name. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him another name. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...
++++++++++++++++++
From JokesEveryDay: Raise
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.
"There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other
companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the
gas company."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to L.B.S. for the next several: CHRISTIAN HUMOR
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the
postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered
the lady.
.......................................................
When a church seeks a preacher, they want the strength
of an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a
dove, the friendliness of a sparrow, and the night
hours of an owl. And when they catch that bird, they
expect him to live on the food of a canary.
.......................................................
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young
class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the
Bible... Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to
learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the
task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After
much practice, he could barely get past the first
line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to
recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby
was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to
the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my
shepherd...and that's all I need to know!"
.......................................................
A 5 year old boy was sitting down to eat when his
mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied,
"Mom, we don't have to. We prayed over this last
night.
.......................................................
Preacher's Announcement Before Offering: "I would like
to remind you that what you are about to give is
deductible, cannot be taken with you, and the love of
which is considered in the Bible the root of all
evil."
.......................................................
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to give thanks before
Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their
heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking
God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then
he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister,
Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then
he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for
the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the
cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool
Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at
his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the
broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
.......................................................
A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he
spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella
on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you
a Christian?"
"Yes."
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
She nodded her head, "Yes."
Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she
answered, "Yes."
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold
my quarter while I go swimming?"
.......................................................
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a
large city because he was short of time and couldn't
find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the
windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give
you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO
TEMPTATION."
.......................................................
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull
over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the
ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the
merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." The cop handed
the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no
more."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: According to my sources, Chicago is nicknamed
the "Windy City" because of its blustery politicians.
Weatherwise, Chicago is not even in the top ten of
America's windiest cities -- it ranks 16th, with an
average wind speed of 10.4 miles per hour.
"Windy City" because of its blustery politicians.
Joel A. Barker said, "A leader is a person you
will follow to a place you wouldn't go by yourself."
Hmmmmm.
ANSWER AT BOTTOM
++++++++++++++++++
"Nail Biting"
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"All the world loves a lover - except people who are waiting to use the phone."
- Milton Berle
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Make-Up"
Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes.
++++++++++++++++++
Call Center
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to JLH: Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. So I called him a name. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him another name. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...
++++++++++++++++++
From JokesEveryDay: Raise
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.
"There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other
companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the
gas company."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to L.B.S. for the next several: CHRISTIAN HUMOR
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the
postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered
the lady.
.......................................................
When a church seeks a preacher, they want the strength
of an eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a
dove, the friendliness of a sparrow, and the night
hours of an owl. And when they catch that bird, they
expect him to live on the food of a canary.
.......................................................
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young
class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the
Bible... Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to
learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the
task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After
much practice, he could barely get past the first
line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to
recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby
was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to
the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my
shepherd...and that's all I need to know!"
.......................................................
A 5 year old boy was sitting down to eat when his
mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied,
"Mom, we don't have to. We prayed over this last
night.
.......................................................
Preacher's Announcement Before Offering: "I would like
to remind you that what you are about to give is
deductible, cannot be taken with you, and the love of
which is considered in the Bible the root of all
evil."
.......................................................
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to give thanks before
Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their
heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking
God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then
he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister,
Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then
he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for
the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the
cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool
Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at
his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the
broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
.......................................................
A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he
spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella
on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you
a Christian?"
"Yes."
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
She nodded her head, "Yes."
Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she
answered, "Yes."
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold
my quarter while I go swimming?"
.......................................................
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a
large city because he was short of time and couldn't
find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the
windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give
you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO
TEMPTATION."
.......................................................
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull
over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the
ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the
merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." The cop handed
the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no
more."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: According to my sources, Chicago is nicknamed
the "Windy City" because of its blustery politicians.
Weatherwise, Chicago is not even in the top ten of
America's windiest cities -- it ranks 16th, with an
average wind speed of 10.4 miles per hour.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 23rd
"Neighborhood Explosion"
The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.
"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
++++++++++++++++++
Housekeeper?
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her
much until one evening when her husband called from the hall,
somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I
had a phone number written on it."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." - Anonymous
++++++++++++++++++
"Promises"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"
"No," he replied. A whole lot of them begin with "If elected I promise..."
++++++++++++++++++
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on
giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me
about his most memorable client.
"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings
from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One
earring read, 'With all,' and the other, 'my love.' When I
asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To
remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I
should let it go in one ear and out the other.'"
++++++++++++++++++
TEACHERS MANUAL
The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory
Computer Science Courses for Non-majors
LATE HOMEWORK
1.When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full
credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full
credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it
until after you complete your Ph.D.
DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS
1.If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce
that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave.
2.If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try
taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to
flunk your class.
LECTURES
1.In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the
class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the
readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this.
2.When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the
art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite
unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the
end of class you scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have
to get the material from the book.
GRADING
1.Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade
papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when
seen from a distance.
2.You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and
easy grading:
20 % Name
20 % Penmanship
50 % Homework is stapled together
10 % The work itself
Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.
GRADING ERRORS
1.If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was
marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark
student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you
onto student A.
EXTRA CREDIT
1.If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't
turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra
credit problems are: Solve the dining philosophers problem, using
semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick
into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for
the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood.
2.You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work
while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work,
decide against it.
CHEATING
1.When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each others
homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then
photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework.
2.Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect
information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on
exams. Examples that have proven effective at this technique include:
The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe,and Curly. The only
possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1,and 2. The three components of
the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS, and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures.
The microphone is an output device. "Booting" the computer involves waving a
large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating
system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system
running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main
memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse
"sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says
that you can write any computer program using only three basic control
structures: Sequence, Selection, and Guessing.
LAB
You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist
with student's questions. Student's have been known to come up with some
real beauties: Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet." "My disk erased
itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week." "Directory?
What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer."
Here are the solutions to the most common problems:
P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing"
S: Turn on the monitor
P: "How do I get into Windows?"
S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy.
P: "I can't get this computer to do anything."
S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard.
P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file."
S: Reprimand the printer.
P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do."
S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.
++++++++++++++++++
I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to
any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs,
I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my
husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
++++++++++++++++++
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." - Jack Handey
The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.
"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
++++++++++++++++++
Housekeeper?
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her
much until one evening when her husband called from the hall,
somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I
had a phone number written on it."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." - Anonymous
++++++++++++++++++
"Promises"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"
"No," he replied. A whole lot of them begin with "If elected I promise..."
++++++++++++++++++
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on
giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me
about his most memorable client.
"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings
from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One
earring read, 'With all,' and the other, 'my love.' When I
asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To
remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I
should let it go in one ear and out the other.'"
++++++++++++++++++
TEACHERS MANUAL
The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory
Computer Science Courses for Non-majors
LATE HOMEWORK
1.When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full
credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full
credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it
until after you complete your Ph.D.
DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS
1.If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce
that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave.
2.If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try
taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to
flunk your class.
LECTURES
1.In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the
class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the
readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this.
2.When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the
art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite
unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the
end of class you scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have
to get the material from the book.
GRADING
1.Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade
papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when
seen from a distance.
2.You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and
easy grading:
20 % Name
20 % Penmanship
50 % Homework is stapled together
10 % The work itself
Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.
GRADING ERRORS
1.If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was
marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark
student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you
onto student A.
EXTRA CREDIT
1.If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't
turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra
credit problems are: Solve the dining philosophers problem, using
semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick
into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for
the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood.
2.You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work
while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work,
decide against it.
CHEATING
1.When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each others
homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then
photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework.
2.Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect
information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on
exams. Examples that have proven effective at this technique include:
The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe,and Curly. The only
possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1,and 2. The three components of
the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS, and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures.
The microphone is an output device. "Booting" the computer involves waving a
large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating
system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system
running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main
memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse
"sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says
that you can write any computer program using only three basic control
structures: Sequence, Selection, and Guessing.
LAB
You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist
with student's questions. Student's have been known to come up with some
real beauties: Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet." "My disk erased
itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week." "Directory?
What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer."
Here are the solutions to the most common problems:
P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing"
S: Turn on the monitor
P: "How do I get into Windows?"
S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy.
P: "I can't get this computer to do anything."
S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard.
P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file."
S: Reprimand the printer.
P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do."
S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.
++++++++++++++++++
I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to
any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs,
I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my
husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
++++++++++++++++++
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." - Jack Handey
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 22nd
Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You"
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
++++++++++++++++++
"Egotists"
When two egotists meet, it's "an I for an I."
++++++++++++++++++
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby
daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the
carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish
talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his
dog, and said, "See the baby?"
++++++++++++++++++
Originality is merely undetected plagiarism
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Name a popular professional sport that
requires all metal shoes.
Edward Roland Sill said, "We must do the best we
can with what we have." That makes sense...ANSWER AT END
++++++++++++++++++
The Missing Scientists
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist
had spent their whole lives studying the majestic
grizzlybear. Each year they petitioned their
respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to
study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they
immediately flew to NY and then on West to
Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station
and were told
that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much
too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally
the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were
given cell phones and told to report in each and every
day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was
heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a
search party and found the scientists' camp completely
ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female
bear. They found the female and decided they must kill
the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists
because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's
stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know
what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in
the male."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to CJ in PA:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: NUTRITION AND HEALTH
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a
relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.
FACTS: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently what kills you.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in OKLAHOMA or Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they are.
12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: News Flashes -- Year 2030
1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars
can now be imported legally but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America
crops & livestock.
3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).
4. Afghanistan still closed off--physicists estimate
it will take at least ten more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
5. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed
sighted at Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.
6. Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise
is the key to weight loss.
7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
8. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of
mutants.
9. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
10. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at
Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
11. Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands
in Los Angeles.
12. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven
inches.
13. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest
version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation
is completed.
14. New California law requires that all nail
clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered
by January 2036.
15. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
16. Average worker's Social Security (FICA)
contribution hits $12,000 per week. Protests planned.
17. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
18. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; continues to
castvotes.
19. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation
for 748th time. No response.
20. Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway,
decline to $12,000 per.
21. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
22. E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5
per word. Please remit.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The popular professional sport that requires
all metal shoes -- is -- horse racing.
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
++++++++++++++++++
"Egotists"
When two egotists meet, it's "an I for an I."
++++++++++++++++++
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby
daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the
carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish
talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his
dog, and said, "See the baby?"
++++++++++++++++++
Originality is merely undetected plagiarism
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Name a popular professional sport that
requires all metal shoes.
Edward Roland Sill said, "We must do the best we
can with what we have." That makes sense...ANSWER AT END
++++++++++++++++++
The Missing Scientists
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist
had spent their whole lives studying the majestic
grizzlybear. Each year they petitioned their
respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to
study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they
immediately flew to NY and then on West to
Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station
and were told
that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much
too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally
the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were
given cell phones and told to report in each and every
day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was
heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a
search party and found the scientists' camp completely
ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female
bear. They found the female and decided they must kill
the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists
because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's
stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know
what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in
the male."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to CJ in PA:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: NUTRITION AND HEALTH
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a
relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.
FACTS: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently what kills you.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in OKLAHOMA or Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they are.
12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: News Flashes -- Year 2030
1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars
can now be imported legally but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America
crops & livestock.
3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).
4. Afghanistan still closed off--physicists estimate
it will take at least ten more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
5. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed
sighted at Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.
6. Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise
is the key to weight loss.
7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
8. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of
mutants.
9. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
10. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at
Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
11. Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands
in Los Angeles.
12. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven
inches.
13. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest
version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation
is completed.
14. New California law requires that all nail
clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered
by January 2036.
15. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
16. Average worker's Social Security (FICA)
contribution hits $12,000 per week. Protests planned.
17. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
18. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; continues to
castvotes.
19. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation
for 748th time. No response.
20. Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway,
decline to $12,000 per.
21. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
22. E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5
per word. Please remit.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The popular professional sport that requires
all metal shoes -- is -- horse racing.
hUMOR For Aug. 22nd
Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You"
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
++++++++++++++++++
"Egotists"
When two egotists meet, it's "an I for an I."
++++++++++++++++++
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby
daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the
carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish
talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his
dog, and said, "See the baby?"
++++++++++++++++++
Originality is merely undetected plagiarism
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Name a popular professional sport that
requires all metal shoes.
Edward Roland Sill said, "We must do the best we
can with what we have." That makes sense...ANSWER AT END
++++++++++++++++++
The Missing Scientists
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist
had spent their whole lives studying the majestic
grizzlybear. Each year they petitioned their
respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to
study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they
immediately flew to NY and then on West to
Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station
and were told
that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much
too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally
the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were
given cell phones and told to report in each and every
day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was
heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a
search party and found the scientists' camp completely
ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female
bear. They found the female and decided they must kill
the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists
because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's
stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know
what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in
the male."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to CJ in PA:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: NUTRITION AND HEALTH
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a
relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.
FACTS: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently what kills you.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in OKLAHOMA or Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they are.
12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: News Flashes -- Year 2030
1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars
can now be imported legally but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America
crops & livestock.
3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).
4. Afghanistan still closed off--physicists estimate
it will take at least ten more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
5. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed
sighted at Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.
6. Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise
is the key to weight loss.
7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
8. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of
mutants.
9. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
10. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at
Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
11. Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands
in Los Angeles.
12. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven
inches.
13. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest
version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation
is completed.
14. New California law requires that all nail
clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered
by January 2036.
15. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
16. Average worker's Social Security (FICA)
contribution hits $12,000 per week. Protests planned.
17. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
18. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; continues to
castvotes.
19. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation
for 748th time. No response.
20. Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway,
decline to $12,000 per.
21. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
22. E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5
per word. Please remit.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The popular professional sport that requires
all metal shoes -- is -- horse racing.
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
++++++++++++++++++
"Egotists"
When two egotists meet, it's "an I for an I."
++++++++++++++++++
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby
daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the
carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish
talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his
dog, and said, "See the baby?"
++++++++++++++++++
Originality is merely undetected plagiarism
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Name a popular professional sport that
requires all metal shoes.
Edward Roland Sill said, "We must do the best we
can with what we have." That makes sense...ANSWER AT END
++++++++++++++++++
The Missing Scientists
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist
had spent their whole lives studying the majestic
grizzlybear. Each year they petitioned their
respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to
study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they
immediately flew to NY and then on West to
Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station
and were told
that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much
too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally
the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were
given cell phones and told to report in each and every
day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was
heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a
search party and found the scientists' camp completely
ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female
bear. They found the female and decided they must kill
the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists
because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's
stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know
what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in
the male."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to CJ in PA:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: NUTRITION AND HEALTH
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a
relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.
FACTS: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently what kills you.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in OKLAHOMA or Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they are.
12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: News Flashes -- Year 2030
1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars
can now be imported legally but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America
crops & livestock.
3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).
4. Afghanistan still closed off--physicists estimate
it will take at least ten more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
5. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed
sighted at Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.
6. Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise
is the key to weight loss.
7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
8. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of
mutants.
9. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
10. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at
Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
11. Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands
in Los Angeles.
12. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven
inches.
13. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest
version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation
is completed.
14. New California law requires that all nail
clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered
by January 2036.
15. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
16. Average worker's Social Security (FICA)
contribution hits $12,000 per week. Protests planned.
17. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
18. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; continues to
castvotes.
19. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation
for 748th time. No response.
20. Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway,
decline to $12,000 per.
21. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
22. E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5
per word. Please remit.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The popular professional sport that requires
all metal shoes -- is -- horse racing.
Monday, August 21, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 21st
A Good Haircut"
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.
++++++++++++++++++
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church
altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say
when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when
he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your
seat."
++++++++++++++++++
During a church leadership meeting we were talking about attendance numbers.
Our pastor noted that the previous Sunday we had about four people who did a
head count and they all came up with different numbers. He wasn't sure what
to do about it.
I raised my hand and reminded him of a rule I came up with several years ago
that specifically address such situations. I call it "Todd's Rule of the
Head Usher's Sunday Service Head Count. "
The Pastor reluctantly took the bait and asked what that special rule might
be.
I explained: "The Usher with the highest head count is always right."
To which a brother in the back added, "And add ten percent if you're
Pentecostal."
++++++++++++++++++
"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want
music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick
surface next to a glass door." - Jerry Seinfeld
++++++++++++++++++
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
~~~~~~~~~~
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt----when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
~~~~~~~~~~
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail, so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
~~~~~~~~~~
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied David J. "How could he, with just two worms."
~~~~~~~~~~
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
~~~~~~~~~~
MOSES &THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
~~~~~~~~~~
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Rick was excited about the task--but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.
++++++++++++++++++
When my son was about 3, the people in the family who lived behind our home
had their house for sale. My son, Allan, played with their son, Curtis.
One day Mom asked, "Has Curtis sold his house yet?"
Allan, looked out the deck door across the back yard and replied "Nope, it's
still there!"
++++++++++++++++++
Todd was arrested again and the detective was leafing through his crime
history folder.
"Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, armed robbery,
armed robbery, disorderly conduct, armed robbery, armed robbery, forgery,
armed robbery..."
"Yeah, I know." said Todd. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I
was good at."
++++++++++++++++++
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
++++++++++++++++++
The Visitor
For those under 65 and over 8 ..
>A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.
>The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.
>As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it.
But the stranger He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
>If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first
major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
>The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
>Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read her books (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the
>stranger to leave.)
>Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
>My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes
distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
>I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.
>More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you were to walk into my parent's den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
>His name?....Well, we just call him, "TV."
>He has a younger sister now. We call her, "PC."
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.
++++++++++++++++++
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church
altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say
when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when
he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your
seat."
++++++++++++++++++
During a church leadership meeting we were talking about attendance numbers.
Our pastor noted that the previous Sunday we had about four people who did a
head count and they all came up with different numbers. He wasn't sure what
to do about it.
I raised my hand and reminded him of a rule I came up with several years ago
that specifically address such situations. I call it "Todd's Rule of the
Head Usher's Sunday Service Head Count. "
The Pastor reluctantly took the bait and asked what that special rule might
be.
I explained: "The Usher with the highest head count is always right."
To which a brother in the back added, "And add ten percent if you're
Pentecostal."
++++++++++++++++++
"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want
music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick
surface next to a glass door." - Jerry Seinfeld
++++++++++++++++++
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
~~~~~~~~~~
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt----when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
~~~~~~~~~~
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail, so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
~~~~~~~~~~
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied David J. "How could he, with just two worms."
~~~~~~~~~~
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
~~~~~~~~~~
MOSES &THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
~~~~~~~~~~
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Rick was excited about the task--but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.
++++++++++++++++++
When my son was about 3, the people in the family who lived behind our home
had their house for sale. My son, Allan, played with their son, Curtis.
One day Mom asked, "Has Curtis sold his house yet?"
Allan, looked out the deck door across the back yard and replied "Nope, it's
still there!"
++++++++++++++++++
Todd was arrested again and the detective was leafing through his crime
history folder.
"Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, armed robbery,
armed robbery, disorderly conduct, armed robbery, armed robbery, forgery,
armed robbery..."
"Yeah, I know." said Todd. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I
was good at."
++++++++++++++++++
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
++++++++++++++++++
The Visitor
For those under 65 and over 8 ..
>A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.
>The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.
>As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it.
But the stranger He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
>If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first
major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
>The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
>Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read her books (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the
>stranger to leave.)
>Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
>My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes
distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
>I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.
>More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you were to walk into my parent's den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
>His name?....Well, we just call him, "TV."
>He has a younger sister now. We call her, "PC."
Sunday, August 20, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 20th
Four-Letter Surgery
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
++++++++++++++++++
A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country. When he
returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
He replied, "have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van with those you
thought you loved?"
++++++++++++++++++
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how
to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on
top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
++++++++++++++++++
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't
the world's greatest rock stars. I mean, everyone knows that the heart of
rock and roll is the beet.
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: What pitcher holds the records for the most
strikeouts in a World Series Game?
"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of
weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength
and resolution" (Kahlil Gibran).
ANSWER BELOW
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie
Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country
has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The
few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot
him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.
++++++++++++++++++
From GCFL: Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant --
I finished the Oreos.
Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby
forever!
Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl.
Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella.
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to
Willard Scott!
I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
Get your *own* ice cream.
Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
Got milk?
Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.
Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your rear!
You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
++++++++++++++++++
From GCFL: Lobster Tales
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster
Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress,
"Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that correct?"
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails -- and a
little bit tough?"
"No," she said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They must be old
lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails -- $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
"Yes," she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit
down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder,
leaned over close to him, and said, "Once upon a time there was a
really big red lobster..."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: Bob Gibson of the St. Louis Cardinals struck
out 17 Detroit Tigers in the 1968 World Series to set
the mark for most strikeouts in a W.S. game.
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
++++++++++++++++++
A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country. When he
returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
He replied, "have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van with those you
thought you loved?"
++++++++++++++++++
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how
to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on
top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
++++++++++++++++++
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't
the world's greatest rock stars. I mean, everyone knows that the heart of
rock and roll is the beet.
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: What pitcher holds the records for the most
strikeouts in a World Series Game?
"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of
weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength
and resolution" (Kahlil Gibran).
ANSWER BELOW
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie
Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country
has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The
few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot
him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.
++++++++++++++++++
From GCFL: Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant --
I finished the Oreos.
Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby
forever!
Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl.
Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella.
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to
Willard Scott!
I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
Get your *own* ice cream.
Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
Got milk?
Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.
Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your rear!
You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
++++++++++++++++++
From GCFL: Lobster Tales
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster
Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress,
"Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that correct?"
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails -- and a
little bit tough?"
"No," she said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They must be old
lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails -- $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
"Yes," she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit
down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder,
leaned over close to him, and said, "Once upon a time there was a
really big red lobster..."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: Bob Gibson of the St. Louis Cardinals struck
out 17 Detroit Tigers in the 1968 World Series to set
the mark for most strikeouts in a W.S. game.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 19th
Reservations
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not
have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
++++++++++++++++++
"Car Moving"
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin snow plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"His eye is on the sparrow--and on the turkey, too!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Commercial Time"
The math department felt they weren't getting enough students registering as math majors, so they made a commercial and aired it on prime time--1 o'clock, 2 o'clock,
3 o'clock, 5 o'clock, 7 o'clock, and 11 o'clock.
++++++++++++++++++
Having recently moved to a rural area, my wife and I asked a cashier at the
local Wal-Mart if she could recommend a good restaurant where we could eat.
"I don't know," said the sales clerk. "I like Lillington food better."
"Okay," I said. "Lillington is a mere fifteen miles south of here. What's
the difference between Lillington food and the food here?"
"Lillington food just tastes better. I don't know why."
"Is there any place at all in this town that you might recommend?"
"Well, I would tell you to go to Golden Corral but they won't be open for a
couple more months."
"Then why would you even mention Golden Corral if they aren't open?"
"Because their food tastes like Lillington food."
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Here is a baseball question -- who holds
MLB's record for the longest stolen base streak
without being caught?
"My strength is as the strength of ten, Because
my heart is pure" Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809 - 1892).
ANSWER BELOW
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- How would life be backwards?
You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every
day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect
your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally
promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play,
you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and
then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room
service on tap, larger quarters every day, And then,
you finish off as an Conceived!.
I rest my case.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to JLH: Worth Pondering
When things in your life seem almost too much to
handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had
some items in front of him. When the class began, he
wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
golf balls. He then asked the students again if the
jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up
everything else. He asked once more if the jar was
full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
under the table and poured the entire contents into
the jar effectively filling the empty space between
the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I
want you to recognize that this jar represents your
life. The golf balls are the important things--- your
family, your health, your friends and your favorite
passions---and if everything else was lost and only
they remained , your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you
put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there
is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same
goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Spend time with
your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to
get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix
the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the
things that really matter. Set your priorities. The
rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what
the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm
glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always
room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (NOTE: Surely the very
suggestion that this could hail from the same part of
the country as your editor is out of the question...)
Arkansas Love Poem
A fellow Arkie sent this to me but surely it does not
pertain to Northeast Arkansas:
Arkansas Love Poem
Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzy gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know,
But Joe is yo half-brother."
So Suzy forgot about her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still."
"You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo
half-brothers."
But Mama knew and Mama said,
"Child, do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: Over the 1988 and 1989 season St. Louis
Cardinal Vince Coleman stole 50 bases without being
caught.
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not
have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
++++++++++++++++++
"Car Moving"
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin snow plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"His eye is on the sparrow--and on the turkey, too!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Commercial Time"
The math department felt they weren't getting enough students registering as math majors, so they made a commercial and aired it on prime time--1 o'clock, 2 o'clock,
3 o'clock, 5 o'clock, 7 o'clock, and 11 o'clock.
++++++++++++++++++
Having recently moved to a rural area, my wife and I asked a cashier at the
local Wal-Mart if she could recommend a good restaurant where we could eat.
"I don't know," said the sales clerk. "I like Lillington food better."
"Okay," I said. "Lillington is a mere fifteen miles south of here. What's
the difference between Lillington food and the food here?"
"Lillington food just tastes better. I don't know why."
"Is there any place at all in this town that you might recommend?"
"Well, I would tell you to go to Golden Corral but they won't be open for a
couple more months."
"Then why would you even mention Golden Corral if they aren't open?"
"Because their food tastes like Lillington food."
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Here is a baseball question -- who holds
MLB's record for the longest stolen base streak
without being caught?
"My strength is as the strength of ten, Because
my heart is pure" Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809 - 1892).
ANSWER BELOW
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- How would life be backwards?
You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every
day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect
your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally
promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play,
you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and
then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room
service on tap, larger quarters every day, And then,
you finish off as an Conceived!.
I rest my case.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to JLH: Worth Pondering
When things in your life seem almost too much to
handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had
some items in front of him. When the class began, he
wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
golf balls. He then asked the students again if the
jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up
everything else. He asked once more if the jar was
full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
under the table and poured the entire contents into
the jar effectively filling the empty space between
the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I
want you to recognize that this jar represents your
life. The golf balls are the important things--- your
family, your health, your friends and your favorite
passions---and if everything else was lost and only
they remained , your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you
put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there
is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same
goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Spend time with
your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to
get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix
the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the
things that really matter. Set your priorities. The
rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what
the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm
glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always
room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (NOTE: Surely the very
suggestion that this could hail from the same part of
the country as your editor is out of the question...)
Arkansas Love Poem
A fellow Arkie sent this to me but surely it does not
pertain to Northeast Arkansas:
Arkansas Love Poem
Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzy gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know,
But Joe is yo half-brother."
So Suzy forgot about her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still."
"You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo
half-brothers."
But Mama knew and Mama said,
"Child, do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: Over the 1988 and 1989 season St. Louis
Cardinal Vince Coleman stole 50 bases without being
caught.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
hUMOR For August 17th
Exasperation
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier
41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched
with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children
fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents
reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the
father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: What is the most watched movie in history?
"Honesty shines like a light through your eyes."
ANSWER AT END OF POST
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to La Mi -- AIN'T IT FUNNY…
* Ain't it funny... how we set our clocks to arise at
4:00 am or 5:00 am to be at the job by 7:30; yet, when
Sunday comes we can't get to church for the 11:00 a.m.
service to praise the one who gave us the jobs!
* Ain't it funny... how we call God our Father and
Jesus our brother; but find it hard to introduce them
to our family.
* Ain't it funny... how small our sins seem, but how
big "their" sins are.
* Ain't it funny... how we demand justice for others;
but expect mercy from God.
* Ain't it funny... how much difficulty some have
learning the gospel well enough to tell others; but
how simple it is to understand and explain the latest
gossip about someone else.
* Ain't it funny... how we can't think of anything to
say when we pray; but don't have any difficulty
thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
* Ain't it funny... how we are so quick to take
directions from a total stranger when we are lost; but
are hesitant to take God's direction for our lives.
* Ain't it funny... how so many church goers sing
"Standing on the Promises"; but all they do is sit on
the premises.
* Ain't it funny... how people want God to answer
their prayers; but refuse to listen to His counsel.
* Ain't it funny... how it is okay to blame God for
evil and suffering in the world; but it is not
necessary to thank Him for what is good and pleasant.
* Ain't it funny... how when something goes wrong we
cry, "Lord, why me?"; but when something goes right,
we think, "Hey! it must be me!"
* Oh wait... maybe all of this just isn't so "funny"
after all.
++++++++++++++++++
A favorite from SunshineRose28 -- Van Gogh's Family
Tree
His dizzy aunt ------------------------------Verti
Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ------------------Gotta
Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ----Stop
n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -----------------U
Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ------------------- Chica
Gogh
His magician uncle --------------------Where-diddy
Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------------------- A mee
Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach-------Wells-far
Gogh
The constipated uncle ----------------------- Cant
Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------- Tang
Gogh
The bird lover uncle -----------------------Flamin
Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst ----------------------- E
Gogh
The fruit loving cousin -----------------------Man
Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------ Way-to
Gogh
The little bouncy nephew --------------------- Poe
Gogh
A sister who loved disco -----------------------Go
Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van
---Winnie Bay Gogh And there ya Gogh!
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to SunshineRose28 -- Bible Questions
Q: The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story
had a window to let light in, but how did they get
light to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used floodlights.
Q: Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A: David - he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.
Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A: Turn right and go straight.
Q: Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant
lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at
once.
Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan - the banks were always
overflowing.
Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!
Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible ?
A: Noah: He was floating his stock, while everyone
else was in liquidation.
Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the
Bible ?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The most watched movie in history is "The
Wizard of Oz" -- seen by well over a billion people.
++++++++++++++++++
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read,
"Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the
waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that
correct?"
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails -- and a
little bit tough?"
"No," she said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They
must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails -- $5 each?" he repeated,
astounded.
"Yes," she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited
him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand
on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, "Once
upon a time there was a really big red lobster..."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The most watched movie in history is "The
Wizard of Oz" -- seen by well over a billion people.
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier
41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched
with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children
fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents
reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the
father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: What is the most watched movie in history?
"Honesty shines like a light through your eyes."
ANSWER AT END OF POST
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to La Mi -- AIN'T IT FUNNY…
* Ain't it funny... how we set our clocks to arise at
4:00 am or 5:00 am to be at the job by 7:30; yet, when
Sunday comes we can't get to church for the 11:00 a.m.
service to praise the one who gave us the jobs!
* Ain't it funny... how we call God our Father and
Jesus our brother; but find it hard to introduce them
to our family.
* Ain't it funny... how small our sins seem, but how
big "their" sins are.
* Ain't it funny... how we demand justice for others;
but expect mercy from God.
* Ain't it funny... how much difficulty some have
learning the gospel well enough to tell others; but
how simple it is to understand and explain the latest
gossip about someone else.
* Ain't it funny... how we can't think of anything to
say when we pray; but don't have any difficulty
thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
* Ain't it funny... how we are so quick to take
directions from a total stranger when we are lost; but
are hesitant to take God's direction for our lives.
* Ain't it funny... how so many church goers sing
"Standing on the Promises"; but all they do is sit on
the premises.
* Ain't it funny... how people want God to answer
their prayers; but refuse to listen to His counsel.
* Ain't it funny... how it is okay to blame God for
evil and suffering in the world; but it is not
necessary to thank Him for what is good and pleasant.
* Ain't it funny... how when something goes wrong we
cry, "Lord, why me?"; but when something goes right,
we think, "Hey! it must be me!"
* Oh wait... maybe all of this just isn't so "funny"
after all.
++++++++++++++++++
A favorite from SunshineRose28 -- Van Gogh's Family
Tree
His dizzy aunt ------------------------------Verti
Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ------------------Gotta
Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ----Stop
n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -----------------U
Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ------------------- Chica
Gogh
His magician uncle --------------------Where-diddy
Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------------------- A mee
Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach-------Wells-far
Gogh
The constipated uncle ----------------------- Cant
Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------- Tang
Gogh
The bird lover uncle -----------------------Flamin
Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst ----------------------- E
Gogh
The fruit loving cousin -----------------------Man
Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------ Way-to
Gogh
The little bouncy nephew --------------------- Poe
Gogh
A sister who loved disco -----------------------Go
Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van
---Winnie Bay Gogh And there ya Gogh!
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to SunshineRose28 -- Bible Questions
Q: The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story
had a window to let light in, but how did they get
light to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used floodlights.
Q: Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A: David - he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.
Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A: Turn right and go straight.
Q: Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant
lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at
once.
Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan - the banks were always
overflowing.
Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!
Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible ?
A: Noah: He was floating his stock, while everyone
else was in liquidation.
Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the
Bible ?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The most watched movie in history is "The
Wizard of Oz" -- seen by well over a billion people.
++++++++++++++++++
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read,
"Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the
waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that
correct?"
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails -- and a
little bit tough?"
"No," she said, "it's the really big red lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They
must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails -- $5 each?" he repeated,
astounded.
"Yes," she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited
him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand
on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, "Once
upon a time there was a really big red lobster..."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The most watched movie in history is "The
Wizard of Oz" -- seen by well over a billion people.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 16th
-"Coin Test"
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses."
++++++++++++++++++
"Illustration"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Bob Hope once received an award and graciously gave full credit to his four writers for making it possible.
The next to receive the award was Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. He stepped to the mike and with a grin, he announced, "I also want to thank my four writers - Mathew, Mark, Luke and John."
++++++++++++++++++
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for
elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and
bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to
pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including
the six elk. But the pilot objected and said, "The plane can
only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two
behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and
the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was
the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally
permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they
attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane
could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other,
"Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is
about the same place where we crashed last year."
++++++++++++++++++
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a
long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while
longer.
Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, dad, he doesn't
recognize me."
++++++++++++++++++
One day while shopping my daughter who was three at the time and a chatter
bug introduced herself to the lady behind us at the check out.
She proceeded to tell the lady her sister's name and then said and to the
lady, "This is my mom. Her name is mom."
++++++++++++++++++
Sleep is just an escape for those who cannot handle the hallucinations of
insomnia.
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses."
++++++++++++++++++
"Illustration"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Bob Hope once received an award and graciously gave full credit to his four writers for making it possible.
The next to receive the award was Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. He stepped to the mike and with a grin, he announced, "I also want to thank my four writers - Mathew, Mark, Luke and John."
++++++++++++++++++
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for
elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and
bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to
pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including
the six elk. But the pilot objected and said, "The plane can
only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two
behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and
the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was
the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally
permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they
attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane
could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other,
"Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is
about the same place where we crashed last year."
++++++++++++++++++
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a
long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while
longer.
Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, dad, he doesn't
recognize me."
++++++++++++++++++
One day while shopping my daughter who was three at the time and a chatter
bug introduced herself to the lady behind us at the check out.
She proceeded to tell the lady her sister's name and then said and to the
lady, "This is my mom. Her name is mom."
++++++++++++++++++
Sleep is just an escape for those who cannot handle the hallucinations of
insomnia.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
hUMOR For August 15th
"Rest Stop"
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." - Kevin Hench
++++++++++++++++++
"Vatican Card"
The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it.++++++++++++++++++
How To Unsubscribe
by Robert Byron
To unsubscribe from this service you must first purchase a Craft-O-Matic
Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit. The unit can be obtained from
most hardware stores and dental clinics. Be sure to obtain the proper
permits to operate the unit from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the
Food and Drug Administration in Washington D.C. USA.
Be sure to carefully unpack the kit and place each component in its
accompanying mesh safety bag. Mount the Pershing DF4 mesinator on top of the
perforated Gerring Mach 77 refibulator and attach them using the
eight-millimeter torque fork. Be sure that the refibulator is mounted at a
66 degree angle and properly dispersed so that it is flush with the curved
section of the Pyrex thistle tube. Place the four sections of the triangular
separation gear into the posture cylinder and lock them into place using the
band aid adhesive strip. Insert the wiggling pin into the wobbling hole,
making sure that it seated correctly. Place the D cell battery and the
eleven 9 volt batteries in the power chamber.
The device should be calibrated before operation using the optional digital
corkscrew accessory pack prior to operation. Insert the digital corkscrew
through the electronic combustion service chamber using caution not to touch
the reinforced tungsten igniter control module and quickly turn the inverter
drive to 28.6 degrees. Turn the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription
Cancellation Unit upside down and hit the bottom plate with a 48-ounce
ball-peen hammer while shaking the unit vigorously. Force open the door to
the incineration valve compartment and set the pressure gauge to 719 psi.
Close the door and seal it shut with duct tape. The unit should now be
properly calibrated and ready to use.
Before activating the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation
Unit, you must first elevate it to a height of 229 feet above sea level to
insure that the unit receives the proper oxygen level and barometric
pressure. Point the aerial to 17 degrees north by northeast to within the
parameters of the Telstar GS-2 weather satellite and apply pressure to the
wing shaft on the southern most section of the modular accelerator. Using
the special ratchet adapter supplied with the unit, rotate the heater core
to the "on" position. The "on" position has been obtained when the green
light begins to flash, signifying that the red light is about to go off.
Once the red light is off, flip the toggle switch labeled "ON/OFF" to the
"ON" position and count to 47 before logging on to the system. Logon using
your username and password and wait for the prompt. Once prompted you must
check the box with the appropriate action you wish to take and then press
the pressure release button and turn off the compressor while turning the
hand crank at 231 meters per minute. Next, press control, alt, delete, caps
lock, shift, number lock, escape and tab simultaneously. Press enter. You
will have one second to complete the procedure. If you fail to respond in
the time limit allowed, simply purchase a new Craft-O-Matic Adjustable
Subscription Cancellation Unit and start from the beginning.
Please remember that this is the only way we will accept for you to
unsubscribe from this service. We have made every attempt to simplify the
procedure for your convenience. Failure to comply with the unsubscribe
policy will result in immediate termination of your subscription so please
follow the above directions closely.
++++++++++++++++++
"How's this for a stupid idea? A California state senator has proposed an
amendment to the State Constitution that would lower the voting age to 14.
You know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We'd probably
wind up with an action hero as governor of the state." - Jay Leno
++++++++++++++++++
My husband works as a service technician for a large
exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is
that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night
before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the
phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control
Company. Your wife phoned us."
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man
on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you. Someone wants to
talk to you about your relatives."
++++++++++++++++++
Dan Passes Out!
Dan decides one day that he is sick and tired of all these jokes and how he is perceived as stupid, so he decides to show Schar he is really smart.
While Schar's off at work, he decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after Schar leaves for work, he gets down to the task at hand.
Schar arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
She walks into the living room and finds Dan lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
She notices that he is wearing a ski jacket and a thick sweater at the same time.
She goes over and asks him if he is ok.
He replies yes.
She asks what he is doing.
He replies that he wanted to prove to her that he's not dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
She then asks him why he has a ski jacket over his sweater.
He replies that he was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." - Kevin Hench
++++++++++++++++++
"Vatican Card"
The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it.++++++++++++++++++
How To Unsubscribe
by Robert Byron
To unsubscribe from this service you must first purchase a Craft-O-Matic
Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit. The unit can be obtained from
most hardware stores and dental clinics. Be sure to obtain the proper
permits to operate the unit from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the
Food and Drug Administration in Washington D.C. USA.
Be sure to carefully unpack the kit and place each component in its
accompanying mesh safety bag. Mount the Pershing DF4 mesinator on top of the
perforated Gerring Mach 77 refibulator and attach them using the
eight-millimeter torque fork. Be sure that the refibulator is mounted at a
66 degree angle and properly dispersed so that it is flush with the curved
section of the Pyrex thistle tube. Place the four sections of the triangular
separation gear into the posture cylinder and lock them into place using the
band aid adhesive strip. Insert the wiggling pin into the wobbling hole,
making sure that it seated correctly. Place the D cell battery and the
eleven 9 volt batteries in the power chamber.
The device should be calibrated before operation using the optional digital
corkscrew accessory pack prior to operation. Insert the digital corkscrew
through the electronic combustion service chamber using caution not to touch
the reinforced tungsten igniter control module and quickly turn the inverter
drive to 28.6 degrees. Turn the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription
Cancellation Unit upside down and hit the bottom plate with a 48-ounce
ball-peen hammer while shaking the unit vigorously. Force open the door to
the incineration valve compartment and set the pressure gauge to 719 psi.
Close the door and seal it shut with duct tape. The unit should now be
properly calibrated and ready to use.
Before activating the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation
Unit, you must first elevate it to a height of 229 feet above sea level to
insure that the unit receives the proper oxygen level and barometric
pressure. Point the aerial to 17 degrees north by northeast to within the
parameters of the Telstar GS-2 weather satellite and apply pressure to the
wing shaft on the southern most section of the modular accelerator. Using
the special ratchet adapter supplied with the unit, rotate the heater core
to the "on" position. The "on" position has been obtained when the green
light begins to flash, signifying that the red light is about to go off.
Once the red light is off, flip the toggle switch labeled "ON/OFF" to the
"ON" position and count to 47 before logging on to the system. Logon using
your username and password and wait for the prompt. Once prompted you must
check the box with the appropriate action you wish to take and then press
the pressure release button and turn off the compressor while turning the
hand crank at 231 meters per minute. Next, press control, alt, delete, caps
lock, shift, number lock, escape and tab simultaneously. Press enter. You
will have one second to complete the procedure. If you fail to respond in
the time limit allowed, simply purchase a new Craft-O-Matic Adjustable
Subscription Cancellation Unit and start from the beginning.
Please remember that this is the only way we will accept for you to
unsubscribe from this service. We have made every attempt to simplify the
procedure for your convenience. Failure to comply with the unsubscribe
policy will result in immediate termination of your subscription so please
follow the above directions closely.
++++++++++++++++++
"How's this for a stupid idea? A California state senator has proposed an
amendment to the State Constitution that would lower the voting age to 14.
You know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We'd probably
wind up with an action hero as governor of the state." - Jay Leno
++++++++++++++++++
My husband works as a service technician for a large
exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is
that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night
before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the
phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control
Company. Your wife phoned us."
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man
on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you. Someone wants to
talk to you about your relatives."
++++++++++++++++++
Dan Passes Out!
Dan decides one day that he is sick and tired of all these jokes and how he is perceived as stupid, so he decides to show Schar he is really smart.
While Schar's off at work, he decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after Schar leaves for work, he gets down to the task at hand.
Schar arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
She walks into the living room and finds Dan lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
She notices that he is wearing a ski jacket and a thick sweater at the same time.
She goes over and asks him if he is ok.
He replies yes.
She asks what he is doing.
He replies that he wanted to prove to her that he's not dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
She then asks him why he has a ski jacket over his sweater.
He replies that he was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Monday, August 14, 2006
hUMOR For August 14th
"What Happened"
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
++++++++++++++++++
The adult Sunday school class was discussing formal and informal prayer,
when one man remarked, "I do some of my best praying while I'm driving."
In a quiet voice, the man's wife agreed, "I, too, do my best praying while
you're driving."
++++++++++++++++++
A little boy sat through a Sunday School class and learned about the time
Jesus went to a wedding and changed the water into wine.
"And what did you learn from that story?" asked his father afterward.
The boy thought for a moment and answered, "If you're having a wedding, make
sure Jesus is there."
++++++++++++++++++
We have employed a new voice mail system and would like the
staff to have knowledge of how it operates. When you are
dialing school, please call the number provided.
You will then be answered by a cheery voice from us that
will give you a menu of options to meet your needs.
These are:
To lie about why your child is absent Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work Press
2
To complain about what we do Press 3
To fuss at a staff members Press 4
To ask why you didn't get needed information that was in
your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you Press 5
If you want us to raise your child Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone
Press 7
If you really have an emergency, dial 9-1-1 because all
these other lines will be busy.
++++++++++++++++++
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver
a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and
stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but
you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver
and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder
would frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
++++++++++++++++++
The adult Sunday school class was discussing formal and informal prayer,
when one man remarked, "I do some of my best praying while I'm driving."
In a quiet voice, the man's wife agreed, "I, too, do my best praying while
you're driving."
++++++++++++++++++
A little boy sat through a Sunday School class and learned about the time
Jesus went to a wedding and changed the water into wine.
"And what did you learn from that story?" asked his father afterward.
The boy thought for a moment and answered, "If you're having a wedding, make
sure Jesus is there."
++++++++++++++++++
We have employed a new voice mail system and would like the
staff to have knowledge of how it operates. When you are
dialing school, please call the number provided.
You will then be answered by a cheery voice from us that
will give you a menu of options to meet your needs.
These are:
To lie about why your child is absent Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work Press
2
To complain about what we do Press 3
To fuss at a staff members Press 4
To ask why you didn't get needed information that was in
your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you Press 5
If you want us to raise your child Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone
Press 7
If you really have an emergency, dial 9-1-1 because all
these other lines will be busy.
++++++++++++++++++
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver
a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and
stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but
you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver
and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder
would frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Sunday, August 13, 2006
hUMOR For August 13th
Just Pretend It's A Feature
This telecommunication repair technician is called in to deal with a
phone problem for a customer: The mute button keeps flashing on extension 37.
And it's not the first time the issue has been raised. "I was the
fourth repair technician to be faced with it," says the tech. "I
already knew there was no way to fix this problem, since there would
be no fix by the manufacturer."
So he goes over to the desk of the user at extension 37, introduces
himself, surveys the situation and says, "Oh, you have the system
monitor phone."
"What's that?" customer asks.
"If that light ever stops flashing, it means there's something wrong
with the CPU," the tech explains with a straight face. "In that case,
please call us and open a ticket for replacement of the CPU."
And that's it. "The phone user seemed honored to be trusted with such
a responsibility," says tech. "We never got another call back on that matter."
"And yes, that service call was no charge."
++++++++++++++++++
"Bunyan Fall"
My son, Bunyan, is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on the way down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. The he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily made signs reading 9.6, 9.8 and 9.4.
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The first thing dieters lose is a sense of humor."
++++++++++++++++++
"Debt"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"
"No," I replied.
"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"
"I really don't have any," I said.
"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.
"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried.
There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"
++++++++++++++++++
The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy,
regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:
"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to
get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."
++++++++++++++++++
"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W
as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
++++++++++++++++++
"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter O'Malley. There's
nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's the way it is. We go through life
doing nothing for each other." - Gene Autry
This telecommunication repair technician is called in to deal with a
phone problem for a customer: The mute button keeps flashing on extension 37.
And it's not the first time the issue has been raised. "I was the
fourth repair technician to be faced with it," says the tech. "I
already knew there was no way to fix this problem, since there would
be no fix by the manufacturer."
So he goes over to the desk of the user at extension 37, introduces
himself, surveys the situation and says, "Oh, you have the system
monitor phone."
"What's that?" customer asks.
"If that light ever stops flashing, it means there's something wrong
with the CPU," the tech explains with a straight face. "In that case,
please call us and open a ticket for replacement of the CPU."
And that's it. "The phone user seemed honored to be trusted with such
a responsibility," says tech. "We never got another call back on that matter."
"And yes, that service call was no charge."
++++++++++++++++++
"Bunyan Fall"
My son, Bunyan, is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on the way down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. The he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily made signs reading 9.6, 9.8 and 9.4.
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The first thing dieters lose is a sense of humor."
++++++++++++++++++
"Debt"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"
"No," I replied.
"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"
"I really don't have any," I said.
"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.
"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried.
There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"
++++++++++++++++++
The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy,
regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:
"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to
get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."
++++++++++++++++++
"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W
as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
++++++++++++++++++
"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter O'Malley. There's
nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's the way it is. We go through life
doing nothing for each other." - Gene Autry
Saturday, August 12, 2006
hUMOR For Aug. 12th
Uncomfortable
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married
students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class,
before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were
holding onto your side."
"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his
foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."
"Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved.
"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class."
++++++++++++++++++
Leaks
"Is that water?" I asked.
"I believe it is," was the reply.
Having recently taken the position of laboratory manager, I watched as water
poured out of the ceiling onto a brand new state of the art, two hundred
fifty thousand dollar piece of laboratory equipment. I rushed down to the
maintenance department to report the problem. After a short investigation,
it was determined that the leak was caused by someone who left the water
running in a kettle located in the lab above mine. "It happens all the
time," I was told.
"I don't understand why the water leaked through the floor and didn't run
into the drain. The building is less than ten years old. We shouldn't have
this problem."
A maintenance person explained, "Well, that would be because the drain was
installed 10 centimeters above floor level."
"Why?"
"The only reason I can think as to why they would do something like that is
because to do otherwise would make sense," was the reply.
"It's going to have to be fixed," I said. "I can't have water running on my
new machine every time someone forgets to turn off the water."
Maintenance caulked the cracks and gaps around the drain in hopes to solve
the problem. It worked. The next time water overflowed from the kettle my
new machine remained dry. However, the water took the next easiest route
through the floor that just happened to be over a machine valued at thirty
thousand dollars. The solution was to cover the machine with a tarp.
A brand new machine had just been set up in my lab the day before I
discovered a leak above it. This was a completely new leak to go along with
my completely new machine. Blue water was pouring over the machine and the
attached computer. The problem was coming from two floors above and again,
the drain was higher than the floor. The solution in this case was easy. I
was instructed to move the machine to a different part of my lab. The leak
remained but that section of the lab was never utilized again.
The standard joke about leaks became, "If you want to find out where you
have a leak, just install a brand new expensive piece of equipment and
that's where the leak will be."
This isn't to say that all of the drains in the building are faulty. No,
that isn't the case at all. For example, several of the drain seals for
toilets in the building are failing and the raw sewage flows across the
floor straight into the drain in the middle of the floor. I guess it's a
good thing that there aren't any bathrooms above my lab but just to be sure,
I'm not going to order any new equipment anytime soon.
++++++++++++++++++
"I believe blind people can fall in love, too, so I don't believe in love at
first sight." - Ashton Kutcher
++++++++++++++++++
* I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in
dwelling on the past.
* I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.
* A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and
I never saw it again.
* Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue
him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.
* Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep
ourselves from freezing.
* I'm not at liberty to say why.
* I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to
give me.
* It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a
toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know
the details.
* I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.
* I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.
* My mom used it as a dryer sheet.
* My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the
movie deal is finalized.
* It's against my religion to do any homework.
* I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted
space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their
death rays.
* I felt it wasn't challenging enough.
* My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last
night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.
* We had homework?!
* I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah,
blah, blah."
* I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
* I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our
hard-working teachers.
++++++++++++++++++
"Instrument Test"
I'm a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened.
Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.
"Mom, guess what!" I overheard him exclaim. "I tested positive for tuba!"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The Bureau of Incomplete Statistics reports that one out of three."
++++++++++++++++++
"Firefly"
A mother firefly and her brood were out for a walk. 'Whatever happens,' mom ordered, 'don't shine your light. I don't want you eaten by owls.'
Sure enough, after a little while, she spotted the youngest one glowing behind her. 'You heard what I said,' scolded the mother. 'Why did you disobey?'
'Well,' said the little one, 'when you gotta glow, you gotta glow.'
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married
students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class,
before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were
holding onto your side."
"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his
foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."
"Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved.
"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class."
++++++++++++++++++
Leaks
"Is that water?" I asked.
"I believe it is," was the reply.
Having recently taken the position of laboratory manager, I watched as water
poured out of the ceiling onto a brand new state of the art, two hundred
fifty thousand dollar piece of laboratory equipment. I rushed down to the
maintenance department to report the problem. After a short investigation,
it was determined that the leak was caused by someone who left the water
running in a kettle located in the lab above mine. "It happens all the
time," I was told.
"I don't understand why the water leaked through the floor and didn't run
into the drain. The building is less than ten years old. We shouldn't have
this problem."
A maintenance person explained, "Well, that would be because the drain was
installed 10 centimeters above floor level."
"Why?"
"The only reason I can think as to why they would do something like that is
because to do otherwise would make sense," was the reply.
"It's going to have to be fixed," I said. "I can't have water running on my
new machine every time someone forgets to turn off the water."
Maintenance caulked the cracks and gaps around the drain in hopes to solve
the problem. It worked. The next time water overflowed from the kettle my
new machine remained dry. However, the water took the next easiest route
through the floor that just happened to be over a machine valued at thirty
thousand dollars. The solution was to cover the machine with a tarp.
A brand new machine had just been set up in my lab the day before I
discovered a leak above it. This was a completely new leak to go along with
my completely new machine. Blue water was pouring over the machine and the
attached computer. The problem was coming from two floors above and again,
the drain was higher than the floor. The solution in this case was easy. I
was instructed to move the machine to a different part of my lab. The leak
remained but that section of the lab was never utilized again.
The standard joke about leaks became, "If you want to find out where you
have a leak, just install a brand new expensive piece of equipment and
that's where the leak will be."
This isn't to say that all of the drains in the building are faulty. No,
that isn't the case at all. For example, several of the drain seals for
toilets in the building are failing and the raw sewage flows across the
floor straight into the drain in the middle of the floor. I guess it's a
good thing that there aren't any bathrooms above my lab but just to be sure,
I'm not going to order any new equipment anytime soon.
++++++++++++++++++
"I believe blind people can fall in love, too, so I don't believe in love at
first sight." - Ashton Kutcher
++++++++++++++++++
* I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in
dwelling on the past.
* I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.
* A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and
I never saw it again.
* Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue
him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.
* Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep
ourselves from freezing.
* I'm not at liberty to say why.
* I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to
give me.
* It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a
toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know
the details.
* I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.
* I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.
* My mom used it as a dryer sheet.
* My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the
movie deal is finalized.
* It's against my religion to do any homework.
* I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted
space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their
death rays.
* I felt it wasn't challenging enough.
* My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last
night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.
* We had homework?!
* I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah,
blah, blah."
* I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
* I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our
hard-working teachers.
++++++++++++++++++
"Instrument Test"
I'm a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened.
Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.
"Mom, guess what!" I overheard him exclaim. "I tested positive for tuba!"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The Bureau of Incomplete Statistics reports that one out of three."
++++++++++++++++++
"Firefly"
A mother firefly and her brood were out for a walk. 'Whatever happens,' mom ordered, 'don't shine your light. I don't want you eaten by owls.'
Sure enough, after a little while, she spotted the youngest one glowing behind her. 'You heard what I said,' scolded the mother. 'Why did you disobey?'
'Well,' said the little one, 'when you gotta glow, you gotta glow.'
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