"Vacuum Repair"
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home-repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
Dianne suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Jester"
"An unemployed jester is nobody's fool."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the
earth?" One little girl spoke up: "According to my daddy --
terrible!"
* Trying to come to the aid of his father, who was stopped
by an officer for speeding, the little tyke piped up, "Yeah?
Well, if we were speeding, so were you!"
* Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One
said, "Let's play doctor." "Good idea," said the other. "You
operate, and I'll sue."
* I guess you can get too health conscious... The wife and I
don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a
snack of some munchies or other, my grandson asked what
vitamins they had in them. I told him I doubted there were
any at all. He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just
for fun?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE
[Image]
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want
To delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?
Works for me!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bonus
(Here's hoping there is no one like this at your workplace.)
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand
dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting
future bonuses to ten dollars.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man is playing the piano softly one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant (told you) who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly starts to cry.
"There, there", says the pianist "Do you recognize the song?"
"No, no," says the elephant "I recognize the keys."
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Friday, March 24, 2006
hUMOR For March 24th
Considerate?
As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office,
the car phone rang. It was my husband. "Will you be joining me in the
whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked. "What a lovely way to spend an
evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate he was
when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start adding
more water to the tub."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew,
"They won't let me pass gas..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Flight Advice"
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
“If you believe everything you read, better not read.” - Japanese Proverb
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Innocence"
In the maternity ward of a hospital, newborn girl baby looks over at newborn boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"
The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"
"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.
"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty nightshirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I recently attended a small business marketing seminar at
which the speaker used actual examples to reinforce her
teaching points. She told a delightful story about a
coffeeshop that distinguished itself from the competition by
prominently displaying a warning sign that read: "Unattended
children will be given a double espresso and a free puppy!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LaMi -- Polish Joke
A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of
Motor Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's
license and is told he has to take an eye test. The
examiner shows him a card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Might Be A Preacher If...
1. You might be a preacher if people leave while you
are talking.
3. You might be a preacher if you've ever wanted to
wish the people a "Merry Christmas" on Easter, because
that is the next time you will see them.
4. You might be a preacher is you've ever wanted to
fire the church and form a congregational search
committee.
5. You might be a preacher if you scan the help-wanted
ads and resign in your mind on Monday mornings.
6. You might be a preacher if you'd rather talk to
people with every head bowed and every eye closed.
7. You might be a preacher if your boss won't give you
Sundays off.
8. You might be a preacher if you have ever had a
personality conflict with an elder - you had one and
he didn't.
9. You might be a preacher if you heard one of your
elders praying, "Lord, you keep him humble and we will
keep him poor."
10. You might be a preacher if you have ever received
an anonymous phone call.
11. You might be a preacher if you have never been
ashamed of the Gospel, but have been occasionally of
your church.
12. You might be a preacher if your phone occasionally
rings at 3 or 4 AM in the morning.
13. You might be a preacher if everyone expects
perfection out of you, when they know themselves that
no human is perfect.
14. You might be a preacher if you get blamed for
anything that goes wrong in the church.
15. You may be a preacher if when you have given a
stinging rebuke at sin, the person involved begins to
look at the ceiling, the floor, or else try to "stare
you down."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Young Patients
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young
patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.
One day, while pointing to a Little boy's ear, the doctor asked him,
"Is this your nose?"
Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I
think we'd better find a new doctor!"
As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office,
the car phone rang. It was my husband. "Will you be joining me in the
whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked. "What a lovely way to spend an
evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate he was
when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start adding
more water to the tub."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew,
"They won't let me pass gas..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Flight Advice"
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
“If you believe everything you read, better not read.” - Japanese Proverb
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Innocence"
In the maternity ward of a hospital, newborn girl baby looks over at newborn boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"
The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"
"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.
"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty nightshirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I recently attended a small business marketing seminar at
which the speaker used actual examples to reinforce her
teaching points. She told a delightful story about a
coffeeshop that distinguished itself from the competition by
prominently displaying a warning sign that read: "Unattended
children will be given a double espresso and a free puppy!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LaMi -- Polish Joke
A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of
Motor Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's
license and is told he has to take an eye test. The
examiner shows him a card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Might Be A Preacher If...
1. You might be a preacher if people leave while you
are talking.
3. You might be a preacher if you've ever wanted to
wish the people a "Merry Christmas" on Easter, because
that is the next time you will see them.
4. You might be a preacher is you've ever wanted to
fire the church and form a congregational search
committee.
5. You might be a preacher if you scan the help-wanted
ads and resign in your mind on Monday mornings.
6. You might be a preacher if you'd rather talk to
people with every head bowed and every eye closed.
7. You might be a preacher if your boss won't give you
Sundays off.
8. You might be a preacher if you have ever had a
personality conflict with an elder - you had one and
he didn't.
9. You might be a preacher if you heard one of your
elders praying, "Lord, you keep him humble and we will
keep him poor."
10. You might be a preacher if you have ever received
an anonymous phone call.
11. You might be a preacher if you have never been
ashamed of the Gospel, but have been occasionally of
your church.
12. You might be a preacher if your phone occasionally
rings at 3 or 4 AM in the morning.
13. You might be a preacher if everyone expects
perfection out of you, when they know themselves that
no human is perfect.
14. You might be a preacher if you get blamed for
anything that goes wrong in the church.
15. You may be a preacher if when you have given a
stinging rebuke at sin, the person involved begins to
look at the ceiling, the floor, or else try to "stare
you down."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Young Patients
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young
patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.
One day, while pointing to a Little boy's ear, the doctor asked him,
"Is this your nose?"
Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I
think we'd better find a new doctor!"
Thursday, March 23, 2006
hUMOR For March 23rd
Don't Ignore the Kids
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while
the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally
he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out
to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.
"What took you so long, son?" he asked.
"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy
replied. "But I got even."
"How?"
"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the
youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at eight o'clock."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Age Advice"
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Originality is merely undetected plagiarism."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Ford Air Conditioning"
It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic carmaker, Henry Ford.
"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest peaked.
Hi Greenberg continued, "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building.
Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.
"Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be one hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!"
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one-half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off.
However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:
HI NORM MAX
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the
first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in
a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more
space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down,
only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio
level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following
morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are
you going to put your patio away every night?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ban Smoking or Homosexuality?
Did you know that male homosexuals have a 35 year
shorter life expectancy than the main population? In
the news of late is the debate over banning cigarette
smoking in enclosed public places. Fair enough;
smoking causes a lot of health problems, and shortens
life spans. Well, the logic that says it is right for
society to impose restrictions on smokers must then
equally conclude society is right to impose
restrictions on homosexual conduct, correct? Don't
hold your breath. I don't know how much smoking
reduces life expectancy, but I am pretty sure it is a
lot less than 35 years. Am I missing something?
There is a huge concern over another influenza
pandemic, like that of a hundred years ago in this
country. People are beginning to worry about a
so-called bird flu mutating to where it infects
humans. We are so concerned about steroid use by
athletes and drug use and abuse by the general
population. Then there are other health issues that we
seem to think the government should step in and
regulate for society's overall health. We even think
pressure should be applied to restaurants so as to
curb fat in french fries, oil in theater popcorn, and
sugar in soda pop, etc. Okay. Why not restrict
homosexuality for the same reason?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laws Concerning Food and Drink
Household Principles
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier
*Laws of Forbidden Places*
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the
sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight
you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers,
you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and
of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright
color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in
the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen
after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in
the living room. Of the juices and other beverages,
yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but
not in the living room, neither may you carry such
therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may
not eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.
*Laws When at Table*
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a
chair such as a greater person might use, keep your
legs and feet below you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon
the table, for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to
show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and
worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it
any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that
is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks
in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away
from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain
upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and
by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make
noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be
sent away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until
you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your
brother or your sister what is within; verily I say to
you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister
has done the same before you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to
you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in
pretend, because we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small
trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest,
because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one
side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly
slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go
into the syrup.
And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to
pass.
*Laws Pertaining to Dessert*
For as we judge between the plate that is unclean and
the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is
clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:
If ye have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of
your peas with each bite consisting of not less than
three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I
can see, and you have also eaten enough of your
potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where
I can see, then ye shall have dessert.
But if ye eat a lesser number of peas, and yet ye eat
the potatoes, still ye shall not have dessert; and if
ye eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, ye
shall not have dessert, no, verily I say unto you, not
even a small portion thereof!
And if thou tries to deceive by moving the potatoes or
peas around with a fork, that it may appear that thou
hast eaten what thou hast not, ye will fall into
iniquity.
And I will know, and ye shall have no dessert.
*On Screaming*
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the
time.
If ye are given a plate on which two foods ye do not
wish to touch each other are touching each other, and
your voice rises up even unto the ceiling, while ye
point to the offense with the finger of your right
hand; but I say unto you, scream not, only remonstrate
gently with the server, that the server may correct
his transgression and peace shall prevail throughout
the land.
Likewise if ye receive a portion of fish from which
every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped
off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and
steeped in vileness, again I say, verily, refrain from
screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a
faint unto death, make not that sound from within your
throat, neither cover your face, nor press your
fingers to your nose.
For even as I have made the fish, and it is as it
should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
*Concerning Face and Hands*
Cast your countenance upward unto the light, and lift
your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash
you off.
For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of
your head, and there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the
tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are
distributed in a manner beyond comprehension!
Only hold thyself still; hold still, I say.
Give unto each finger in its turn for my examination
thereof, and also each thumb.
Lo, how iniquitous they appear.
What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go
henceforth until I have done.
*Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances*
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.
Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath
water of any beast of the field, or any fowl of the
air nor of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even
if it be in the package; nor rub your feet against
cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what hath the cat done, that
you should go forth and afflict it so and bindeth it
with tape?
And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor
stand between the light and the book.
Verily I say unto you, you will drive me to madness.
Neither forget what I said about the tape.
[Ian Frazier, "Laws Concerning Food and Drink:
Household Principles, Lamentations of the Father," The
Atlantic Monthly, February 1997, Volume 279, No. 2,
pages 89-90.]
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while
the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally
he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out
to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.
"What took you so long, son?" he asked.
"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy
replied. "But I got even."
"How?"
"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the
youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at eight o'clock."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Age Advice"
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Originality is merely undetected plagiarism."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Ford Air Conditioning"
It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic carmaker, Henry Ford.
"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest peaked.
Hi Greenberg continued, "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building.
Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.
"Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be one hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!"
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one-half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off.
However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:
HI NORM MAX
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the
first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in
a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more
space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down,
only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio
level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following
morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are
you going to put your patio away every night?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ban Smoking or Homosexuality?
Did you know that male homosexuals have a 35 year
shorter life expectancy than the main population? In
the news of late is the debate over banning cigarette
smoking in enclosed public places. Fair enough;
smoking causes a lot of health problems, and shortens
life spans. Well, the logic that says it is right for
society to impose restrictions on smokers must then
equally conclude society is right to impose
restrictions on homosexual conduct, correct? Don't
hold your breath. I don't know how much smoking
reduces life expectancy, but I am pretty sure it is a
lot less than 35 years. Am I missing something?
There is a huge concern over another influenza
pandemic, like that of a hundred years ago in this
country. People are beginning to worry about a
so-called bird flu mutating to where it infects
humans. We are so concerned about steroid use by
athletes and drug use and abuse by the general
population. Then there are other health issues that we
seem to think the government should step in and
regulate for society's overall health. We even think
pressure should be applied to restaurants so as to
curb fat in french fries, oil in theater popcorn, and
sugar in soda pop, etc. Okay. Why not restrict
homosexuality for the same reason?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laws Concerning Food and Drink
Household Principles
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier
*Laws of Forbidden Places*
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the
sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight
you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers,
you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and
of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright
color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in
the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen
after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in
the living room. Of the juices and other beverages,
yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but
not in the living room, neither may you carry such
therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may
not eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.
*Laws When at Table*
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a
chair such as a greater person might use, keep your
legs and feet below you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon
the table, for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to
show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and
worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it
any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that
is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks
in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away
from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain
upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and
by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make
noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be
sent away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until
you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your
brother or your sister what is within; verily I say to
you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister
has done the same before you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to
you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in
pretend, because we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small
trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest,
because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one
side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly
slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go
into the syrup.
And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to
pass.
*Laws Pertaining to Dessert*
For as we judge between the plate that is unclean and
the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is
clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:
If ye have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of
your peas with each bite consisting of not less than
three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I
can see, and you have also eaten enough of your
potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where
I can see, then ye shall have dessert.
But if ye eat a lesser number of peas, and yet ye eat
the potatoes, still ye shall not have dessert; and if
ye eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, ye
shall not have dessert, no, verily I say unto you, not
even a small portion thereof!
And if thou tries to deceive by moving the potatoes or
peas around with a fork, that it may appear that thou
hast eaten what thou hast not, ye will fall into
iniquity.
And I will know, and ye shall have no dessert.
*On Screaming*
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the
time.
If ye are given a plate on which two foods ye do not
wish to touch each other are touching each other, and
your voice rises up even unto the ceiling, while ye
point to the offense with the finger of your right
hand; but I say unto you, scream not, only remonstrate
gently with the server, that the server may correct
his transgression and peace shall prevail throughout
the land.
Likewise if ye receive a portion of fish from which
every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped
off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and
steeped in vileness, again I say, verily, refrain from
screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a
faint unto death, make not that sound from within your
throat, neither cover your face, nor press your
fingers to your nose.
For even as I have made the fish, and it is as it
should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
*Concerning Face and Hands*
Cast your countenance upward unto the light, and lift
your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash
you off.
For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of
your head, and there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the
tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are
distributed in a manner beyond comprehension!
Only hold thyself still; hold still, I say.
Give unto each finger in its turn for my examination
thereof, and also each thumb.
Lo, how iniquitous they appear.
What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go
henceforth until I have done.
*Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances*
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.
Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath
water of any beast of the field, or any fowl of the
air nor of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even
if it be in the package; nor rub your feet against
cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what hath the cat done, that
you should go forth and afflict it so and bindeth it
with tape?
And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor
stand between the light and the book.
Verily I say unto you, you will drive me to madness.
Neither forget what I said about the tape.
[Ian Frazier, "Laws Concerning Food and Drink:
Household Principles, Lamentations of the Father," The
Atlantic Monthly, February 1997, Volume 279, No. 2,
pages 89-90.]
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
hUMOR For March 22nd
Hopeless Pupil
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher.
"I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher.
"But you only have two ears."
"You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Things to do When Your ISP Goes Down"
1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
8. Sleep (and dream about surfing the Internet)!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hope"
The coach's wife yells to her husband, "It's Sports Illustrated on the phone."
The coach falls all over himself racing to the phone and says, "Hello?"
Then he hears, "For just 75 cents an issue..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.
During a break, she decided to call home collect. My
six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a
stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you
accept the charges?"
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside
screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SOUTHERNOSTY
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy
fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE"
them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the
general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is
-- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is
not a request for the white, granular sweet substance
that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the
table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They
might not use the term, but they know the concept
well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best
gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is
a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece."
They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile
or 20.
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun,
a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines.
We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're
"in line," we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will
discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat
them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red
eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried
green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself
lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a
genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet
milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots
of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet
milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And there's the ole time favorite of "goin" back home
to see mommernem" for some "down home cookin".
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on
the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go
your own way.
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by
your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of
sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your
heart! And to those of you who are still having a hard
time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your
hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on
Southernness as a second language! And for those that
are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch
that reads, "I aint from the South but I got here as
fast as I could." Bless your hearts, ya'll have a
blessed day.
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher.
"I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher.
"But you only have two ears."
"You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Things to do When Your ISP Goes Down"
1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
8. Sleep (and dream about surfing the Internet)!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hope"
The coach's wife yells to her husband, "It's Sports Illustrated on the phone."
The coach falls all over himself racing to the phone and says, "Hello?"
Then he hears, "For just 75 cents an issue..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.
During a break, she decided to call home collect. My
six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a
stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you
accept the charges?"
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside
screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SOUTHERNOSTY
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy
fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE"
them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the
general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is
-- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is
not a request for the white, granular sweet substance
that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the
table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They
might not use the term, but they know the concept
well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best
gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is
a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece."
They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile
or 20.
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun,
a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines.
We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're
"in line," we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will
discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat
them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red
eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried
green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself
lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a
genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet
milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots
of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet
milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And there's the ole time favorite of "goin" back home
to see mommernem" for some "down home cookin".
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on
the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go
your own way.
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by
your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of
sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your
heart! And to those of you who are still having a hard
time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your
hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on
Southernness as a second language! And for those that
are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch
that reads, "I aint from the South but I got here as
fast as I could." Bless your hearts, ya'll have a
blessed day.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
hUMOR For March 21st
One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her
six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and
hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all
night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's
your name?" Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she
entered the room.
When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white
on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled
message taped to his forehead.
It read: "My name is Daniel."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: THE POPE GETS BEHIND THE WHEEL
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded
into the limo,(and he doesn't travel light), the
driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the
curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they
never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a
cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can't let you do
that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should
happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be
something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a
smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport the pope accelerates to 105MPH.
(Remember, he's a German Pope.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the
worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the
metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my
job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the
cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,
goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the
dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that
he's stopped a limo going 105 MPH."So bust him," says
the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really
important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit
of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious: "What
makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's PearlyGates Item
Wendy was waiting her turn at the bakery, when she heard a prospective bride give the cake decorator a hard time as she previewed her wedding cake. She demanded many extras and was critical of the work he'd done so far. After she left, he muttered, "I'm glad I put my special golden award on this cake. That young woman is sure eligible for it."
Curious, Wendy studied the cake closely, but saw nothing. Finally the decorator pointed to the tiny bridegroom atop the cake with his tiny bride and there it was. Barely visible was the "golden award", a tiny wedding ring, inserted in the groom's nose.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bubba @ Junior
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior! shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Until late last summer, Bubba and Junior were employed working for the City of New Orleans, among the workers maintaining those New Orleans levees.
six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and
hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all
night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's
your name?" Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she
entered the room.
When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white
on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled
message taped to his forehead.
It read: "My name is Daniel."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: THE POPE GETS BEHIND THE WHEEL
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded
into the limo,(and he doesn't travel light), the
driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the
curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they
never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a
cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can't let you do
that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should
happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be
something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a
smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport the pope accelerates to 105MPH.
(Remember, he's a German Pope.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the
worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the
metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my
job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the
cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,
goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the
dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that
he's stopped a limo going 105 MPH."So bust him," says
the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really
important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit
of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious: "What
makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's PearlyGates Item
Wendy was waiting her turn at the bakery, when she heard a prospective bride give the cake decorator a hard time as she previewed her wedding cake. She demanded many extras and was critical of the work he'd done so far. After she left, he muttered, "I'm glad I put my special golden award on this cake. That young woman is sure eligible for it."
Curious, Wendy studied the cake closely, but saw nothing. Finally the decorator pointed to the tiny bridegroom atop the cake with his tiny bride and there it was. Barely visible was the "golden award", a tiny wedding ring, inserted in the groom's nose.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bubba @ Junior
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior! shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Until late last summer, Bubba and Junior were employed working for the City of New Orleans, among the workers maintaining those New Orleans levees.
Monday, March 20, 2006
hUMOR For March 20th
Cruise Questions"
Top Ten Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship
- Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line
10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked: If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TF: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it
that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick,
age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori,
age 8
WHAT DO! MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --
Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to
deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?"
Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling
her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's
failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and
her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her
daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter
says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."
"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.
"Yuck" says her daughter.
"How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking
soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"
To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things
seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put
together in the right way, they make a wonderfully
delicious cake!
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He
would let us go through such bad and difficult times.
But God knows that when He puts these things all in
His order, they always work for good! We just have to
trust Him and, eventually, they will all make
something wonderful!
God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every
spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live
anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.
Top Ten Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship
- Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line
10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked: If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TF: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it
that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick,
age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori,
age 8
WHAT DO! MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --
Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to
deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?"
Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling
her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's
failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and
her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her
daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter
says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."
"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.
"Yuck" says her daughter.
"How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking
soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"
To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things
seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put
together in the right way, they make a wonderfully
delicious cake!
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He
would let us go through such bad and difficult times.
But God knows that when He puts these things all in
His order, they always work for good! We just have to
trust Him and, eventually, they will all make
something wonderful!
God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every
spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live
anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
hUMOR For March 19th
Mess Cake
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much
grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they
gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer
and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful
when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A
smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap
great benefits he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood
back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything
he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the
desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of
chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you
like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs,
"I told you my talk did them some good."
The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to D & M Sayle: This is just too good not to
try -- I guarantee it! ts
Just wanted to let you know the New Homeland Security
Bill has passed. Things wil be different now and
Internet surfing as you know it will be tracked by
what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI
says you will not notice anything different.
For a demonstration, click on (or copy and paste) the
link below: Homeland Security
http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Differences between Men and Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman
will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband. A man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can
find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a
lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman
you must love her a lot and not try to understand her
at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but
married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes -
there's no use in two people remembering the same
thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Woman somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she
won't change and she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything
a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a
woman - before marriage and after marriage.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Math
>From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than
100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are
giving more than 100%? We have all been in situations
where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 101%?
What equals 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
AND, look how far the love of God will take you
L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical
certainty that: While Hard work and Knowledge will get
you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Love of God that will put you over the top!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a friend for an old favorite:
Obituary - Someone Else
Our church was saddened to learn this week of the
death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be
difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many
years and for every one of those years, Someone did
far more than a normal person's share of the work.
Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a
meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list,
"Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was
mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for
inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work
with that group." It was common knowledge that Someone
Else was among the most liberal givers in our church.
Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just
assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.
Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes
appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody
expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is
gone! We wonder what we are going to do.
Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but
who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the
things Someone Else did? When you are asked to help
this year, remember - we can't depend on Someone Else
anymore. ~ Author Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Swanky Dining"
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d, "but there are no tables available."
"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."
"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."
"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."
"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."
"Good! I'll take it. George isn't coming!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Make God laugh. Tell him your plans." - Ken Hall
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Stereotypes"
Following a heavy-metal rock concert, one punk rocker stopped at the front desk of the hotel and asked if she had any messages. The desk clerk handed her an unsigned note, and she asked for a description of the person who had left it.
"That's easy," replied the clerk. "He wore tight orange-leather pants, high-heeled black boots and a T-shirt with strategically cut holes. I remember a row of colored safety pins through the outside edge of one ear, and he wore purple eyeshadow. And his hair was orange and spiked."
"Oh, man!," she said, obviously disappointed, "that could be anybody!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*PONDERISMS*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does a OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much
grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they
gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer
and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful
when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A
smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap
great benefits he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood
back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything
he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the
desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of
chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you
like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs,
"I told you my talk did them some good."
The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to D & M Sayle: This is just too good not to
try -- I guarantee it! ts
Just wanted to let you know the New Homeland Security
Bill has passed. Things wil be different now and
Internet surfing as you know it will be tracked by
what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI
says you will not notice anything different.
For a demonstration, click on (or copy and paste) the
link below: Homeland Security
http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Differences between Men and Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman
will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband. A man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can
find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a
lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman
you must love her a lot and not try to understand her
at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but
married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes -
there's no use in two people remembering the same
thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Woman somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she
won't change and she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything
a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a
woman - before marriage and after marriage.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Math
>From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than
100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are
giving more than 100%? We have all been in situations
where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 101%?
What equals 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
AND, look how far the love of God will take you
L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical
certainty that: While Hard work and Knowledge will get
you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Love of God that will put you over the top!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a friend for an old favorite:
Obituary - Someone Else
Our church was saddened to learn this week of the
death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be
difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many
years and for every one of those years, Someone did
far more than a normal person's share of the work.
Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a
meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list,
"Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was
mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for
inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work
with that group." It was common knowledge that Someone
Else was among the most liberal givers in our church.
Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just
assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.
Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes
appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody
expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is
gone! We wonder what we are going to do.
Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but
who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the
things Someone Else did? When you are asked to help
this year, remember - we can't depend on Someone Else
anymore. ~ Author Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Swanky Dining"
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d, "but there are no tables available."
"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."
"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."
"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."
"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."
"Good! I'll take it. George isn't coming!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Make God laugh. Tell him your plans." - Ken Hall
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Stereotypes"
Following a heavy-metal rock concert, one punk rocker stopped at the front desk of the hotel and asked if she had any messages. The desk clerk handed her an unsigned note, and she asked for a description of the person who had left it.
"That's easy," replied the clerk. "He wore tight orange-leather pants, high-heeled black boots and a T-shirt with strategically cut holes. I remember a row of colored safety pins through the outside edge of one ear, and he wore purple eyeshadow. And his hair was orange and spiked."
"Oh, man!," she said, obviously disappointed, "that could be anybody!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*PONDERISMS*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does a OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
Saturday, March 18, 2006
hUMOR For March 18th
Home Donations
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young
minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations
for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys,
two girls, or one of each."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grasping Challenge"
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, daddy?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "IRS"
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After her son fell into the pond yet again and came home
with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated
mother sent him to his room and washed and dried his
clothes.
A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard and
called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine
voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the
meter."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Baseball Doctor --
As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper
owners at the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a
bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed
several patients and their families in a waiting area.
I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here
comes your anesthesiologist."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: E-Mail Spam
by: Author Unknown
I am spam.
Spam-I-am.
That Spam-I-am.
That Spam-I-am.
I do not like
That Spam-I-am.
Do you like
E-mail spam?
I do not like it,
Spam-I-am.
I do not like
your E-mail Spam.
Would you like it here
or there?
I would not like it.
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it
Spam-I-am.
Would you like it
if it's lewd?
Would you like it
in the nude?
I would not like it
if it's lewd.
I would not like it
in the nude.
I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it
Spam-I-am.
Would you want it
at your ISP?
Would you want it
'cause it's free?
Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if it's lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it.
Spam-I-am.
Would you? Could you?
>From afar?
Take them! Take them!
Here they are.
I would not,
could not,
from afar.
You will like them.
You wil see.
You will like them.
You'll buy from me!
I would not, could not buy from thee.
Not from afar! You let me be.
Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.
A bunch! A bunch!
A bunch! A bunch!
Could you, would you,
love a bunch?
Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee!
Not from afar! Spam! Let me Be!
Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.
Say!
On a lark?
Here on a lark!
Would you read it on a lark?
I would not read it
on a lark?
Would you, could you
think again?
I would not, could not, think again.
Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee!
Not from afar! Not at my ISP.
I do not like it, Spam, you see.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.
Would you, could you,
A pyramid scheme?
I would not, could not,
a pyramid scheme!
Would you, could you,
something really obscene?
I could not, would not, something really obscene.
Will not, will not, a pyramid scheme.
I will not read it on a lark.
I will not, will not think again.
Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee!
Not from afar! Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.
You do not like it,
so you say.
Read it! Read it!
And you may.
Read it and you may, I say.
Spam!
If you will let me be,
I will try it,
You will see.
Say!
I do detest your e-mail spam!
I do! I hate it! Spam-I-am!
I really hate you, and your floozie!
I will hunt you with an Uzi!
I do not want that something really obscene!
I do not want your pyramid scheme!
They should take you to the deck!
And once there... should stretch your neck!
You are so evil, so evil, you see!
Get thee Satan away from me!
If I could find you and your ISP,
I would piddle in your shoes and on your knee!
I find you crude!
I find you rude!
I do not like you here or there.
I would not like you anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
Death to you
Death to you
Spam-I-am.
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young
minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations
for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys,
two girls, or one of each."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grasping Challenge"
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, daddy?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "IRS"
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After her son fell into the pond yet again and came home
with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated
mother sent him to his room and washed and dried his
clothes.
A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard and
called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine
voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the
meter."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Baseball Doctor --
As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper
owners at the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a
bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed
several patients and their families in a waiting area.
I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here
comes your anesthesiologist."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: E-Mail Spam
by: Author Unknown
I am spam.
Spam-I-am.
That Spam-I-am.
That Spam-I-am.
I do not like
That Spam-I-am.
Do you like
E-mail spam?
I do not like it,
Spam-I-am.
I do not like
your E-mail Spam.
Would you like it here
or there?
I would not like it.
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it
Spam-I-am.
Would you like it
if it's lewd?
Would you like it
in the nude?
I would not like it
if it's lewd.
I would not like it
in the nude.
I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it
Spam-I-am.
Would you want it
at your ISP?
Would you want it
'cause it's free?
Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if it's lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it.
Spam-I-am.
Would you? Could you?
>From afar?
Take them! Take them!
Here they are.
I would not,
could not,
from afar.
You will like them.
You wil see.
You will like them.
You'll buy from me!
I would not, could not buy from thee.
Not from afar! You let me be.
Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.
A bunch! A bunch!
A bunch! A bunch!
Could you, would you,
love a bunch?
Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee!
Not from afar! Spam! Let me Be!
Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.
Say!
On a lark?
Here on a lark!
Would you read it on a lark?
I would not read it
on a lark?
Would you, could you
think again?
I would not, could not, think again.
Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee!
Not from afar! Not at my ISP.
I do not like it, Spam, you see.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.
Would you, could you,
A pyramid scheme?
I would not, could not,
a pyramid scheme!
Would you, could you,
something really obscene?
I could not, would not, something really obscene.
Will not, will not, a pyramid scheme.
I will not read it on a lark.
I will not, will not think again.
Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee!
Not from afar! Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.
You do not like it,
so you say.
Read it! Read it!
And you may.
Read it and you may, I say.
Spam!
If you will let me be,
I will try it,
You will see.
Say!
I do detest your e-mail spam!
I do! I hate it! Spam-I-am!
I really hate you, and your floozie!
I will hunt you with an Uzi!
I do not want that something really obscene!
I do not want your pyramid scheme!
They should take you to the deck!
And once there... should stretch your neck!
You are so evil, so evil, you see!
Get thee Satan away from me!
If I could find you and your ISP,
I would piddle in your shoes and on your knee!
I find you crude!
I find you rude!
I do not like you here or there.
I would not like you anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
Death to you
Death to you
Spam-I-am.
Friday, March 17, 2006
hUMOR For March 17th
"Deck Praise"
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.
"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."
Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"
She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"
She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn well."
- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Elluding God"
In 1981, a Minnesota radio station reported a story about a stolen car in California. Police were staging an intense search for the vehicle and the driver, even to the point of placing announcements on local radio stations to contact the thief. On the front seat of the stolen car sat a box of crackers that, unknown to the thief, were laced with poison. The car owner had intended to use the crackers as rat bait.
The police and the owner of the VW Bug were more interested in apprehending the thief to save his life than to recover the car. So often when we run from God, we feel it is to escape his punishment. But what we are actually doing is eluding his rescue.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I heard a story recently about a student named Donald
MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (in Scotland) who was
admitted into the prestigious Oxford University and was
living in the hall of residence in his first year there. His
clan was so excited that one of their own had made it into
the upper class of education, but they were concerned how he
would do in "that strange land." After the first month, his
mother came to visit.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she
asked.
"Mother," he replied in his thick brogue, "they're such
terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging
his head against the wall, and he won't stop. The one on the
other side screams and screams and screams away into the
night."
"Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with those awful
noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From WS: An Old Favorite -- The Death Of Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense. Sense had been with us for many
years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such
valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the
rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life
isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn)and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a
teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only
worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer aspirin
to a student; but could not inform the parents when a
Student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband; churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was
hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a
huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima
Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone.
--author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS for this favorite: The One Dollar Bill
Take out a one dollar bill, and look at it. The one
dollar bill you're looking at first came off the
presses in 1957 in its present design. This so-called
paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with
red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It
is actually material. We've all washed it without it
falling apart. A special blend of ink is used, the
contents we will never know. It is overprinted with
symbols and then it is starched to make it water
resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look.
If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the
United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see
the scales for a balanced budget. In the center you
have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even
cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States
Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but
what is on the back of that dollar bill is something
we should all know.
If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles.
Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the
United States. The First Continental Congress
requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men
come up with a Seal. It took them four years to
accomplish this task and another two years to get it
approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a
Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western
side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had
not begun to explore the West or decided what we could
do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is un-capped,
again signifying that we were not even close to being
finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing
eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's
belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group
of men, with the help of God, could do anything.
"IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above
the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored
our undertaking."The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS
ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At the
base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. If
you look at the right-hand circle, and check it
carefully, you will learn that it is on every National
Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the
Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida
National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most
hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of
the President of the United States, and it is always
visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know
what the symbols mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory
for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm;
he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it.
Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just
broken from the King of England. Also, notice the
shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on
its own. At the top of that shield you have a white
bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were
coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you
will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning, "one nation
from many people".
Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing
the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of
misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming
together as one. Notice what the Eagle holds in his
talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This
country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to
fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to
face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze
turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This
is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never
see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a
13th floor. But think about this: 13 original
colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of
Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the
Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in
"E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 bars
on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13
fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And, for
minorities: the 13th Amendment.
I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your
children don't know this, and their history teachers
don't know this. Too many veterans have given up too
much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans
remember coming home to an America that didn't care.
Too many veterans never came home at all.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theme Songs for Bible Characters
Noah...Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head
Adam and Eve.....Strangers In Paradise
Lazarus........The Second Time Around
Esther........I Feel Pretty
Job........I've Got A Right To Sing The Blues
Moses........The Wanderer
Jezebel........The Lady Is A Tramp
Samson........Hair
Salome........I Could Have Danced All Night
Daniel........The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Joshua........Good Vibrations
Peter........I'm Sorry
Esau.........Born To Be Wild
Jeremiah........Take This Job And Shove It
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego........Great Balls Of Fire
The Three Kings........When You Wish Upon A Star
Jonah..........Got A Whale Of A Tale!
Elijah........Up, Up And Away
Methuselah........Stayin' Alive!
Nebuchadnezzar........Crazy
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.
"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."
Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"
She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"
She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn well."
- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Elluding God"
In 1981, a Minnesota radio station reported a story about a stolen car in California. Police were staging an intense search for the vehicle and the driver, even to the point of placing announcements on local radio stations to contact the thief. On the front seat of the stolen car sat a box of crackers that, unknown to the thief, were laced with poison. The car owner had intended to use the crackers as rat bait.
The police and the owner of the VW Bug were more interested in apprehending the thief to save his life than to recover the car. So often when we run from God, we feel it is to escape his punishment. But what we are actually doing is eluding his rescue.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I heard a story recently about a student named Donald
MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (in Scotland) who was
admitted into the prestigious Oxford University and was
living in the hall of residence in his first year there. His
clan was so excited that one of their own had made it into
the upper class of education, but they were concerned how he
would do in "that strange land." After the first month, his
mother came to visit.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she
asked.
"Mother," he replied in his thick brogue, "they're such
terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging
his head against the wall, and he won't stop. The one on the
other side screams and screams and screams away into the
night."
"Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with those awful
noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From WS: An Old Favorite -- The Death Of Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense. Sense had been with us for many
years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such
valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the
rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life
isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn)and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a
teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only
worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer aspirin
to a student; but could not inform the parents when a
Student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband; churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was
hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a
huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima
Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone.
--author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS for this favorite: The One Dollar Bill
Take out a one dollar bill, and look at it. The one
dollar bill you're looking at first came off the
presses in 1957 in its present design. This so-called
paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with
red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It
is actually material. We've all washed it without it
falling apart. A special blend of ink is used, the
contents we will never know. It is overprinted with
symbols and then it is starched to make it water
resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look.
If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the
United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see
the scales for a balanced budget. In the center you
have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even
cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States
Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but
what is on the back of that dollar bill is something
we should all know.
If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles.
Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the
United States. The First Continental Congress
requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men
come up with a Seal. It took them four years to
accomplish this task and another two years to get it
approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a
Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western
side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had
not begun to explore the West or decided what we could
do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is un-capped,
again signifying that we were not even close to being
finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing
eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's
belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group
of men, with the help of God, could do anything.
"IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above
the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored
our undertaking."The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS
ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At the
base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. If
you look at the right-hand circle, and check it
carefully, you will learn that it is on every National
Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the
Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida
National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most
hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of
the President of the United States, and it is always
visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know
what the symbols mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory
for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm;
he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it.
Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just
broken from the King of England. Also, notice the
shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on
its own. At the top of that shield you have a white
bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were
coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you
will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning, "one nation
from many people".
Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing
the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of
misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming
together as one. Notice what the Eagle holds in his
talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This
country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to
fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to
face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze
turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This
is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never
see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a
13th floor. But think about this: 13 original
colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of
Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the
Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in
"E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 bars
on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13
fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And, for
minorities: the 13th Amendment.
I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your
children don't know this, and their history teachers
don't know this. Too many veterans have given up too
much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans
remember coming home to an America that didn't care.
Too many veterans never came home at all.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theme Songs for Bible Characters
Noah...Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head
Adam and Eve.....Strangers In Paradise
Lazarus........The Second Time Around
Esther........I Feel Pretty
Job........I've Got A Right To Sing The Blues
Moses........The Wanderer
Jezebel........The Lady Is A Tramp
Samson........Hair
Salome........I Could Have Danced All Night
Daniel........The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Joshua........Good Vibrations
Peter........I'm Sorry
Esau.........Born To Be Wild
Jeremiah........Take This Job And Shove It
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego........Great Balls Of Fire
The Three Kings........When You Wish Upon A Star
Jonah..........Got A Whale Of A Tale!
Elijah........Up, Up And Away
Methuselah........Stayin' Alive!
Nebuchadnezzar........Crazy
Thursday, March 16, 2006
hUMOR For March 16th
Wedding Ceremony
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a
brief ceremony in front of the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were
to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six
single men stepped to the front.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Egg Timing"
A friend of mine,a new bride, was on her honeymoon and spent one night at her spouse's relatives. She got up early, went down to the kitchen and started to get breakfast together. When the lady of the house came down my friend told her that she had started the soft boiled eggs for her but "how do you tell from the egg timer when they are done?"
She had put the egg timer into the water with the boiling eggs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now - you call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golf Gun"
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum
“My Brother Vernie Doesn’t Have One” by Doctor Dan
"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily
"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic
"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit
(illustrated by Betty Wont)
"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns
"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich
"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff
"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While
Received from Cybersalt Digest.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: The New School Prayer
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: The Bathtub
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the
spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Silent Advice"
An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leaned over and said to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"
Her husband leaned over to her and replied, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Labor Pains
When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat
with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the
birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point
for answering questions about the facts of life.
As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal,
he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"
"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
"Wow," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a
brief ceremony in front of the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were
to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six
single men stepped to the front.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Egg Timing"
A friend of mine,a new bride, was on her honeymoon and spent one night at her spouse's relatives. She got up early, went down to the kitchen and started to get breakfast together. When the lady of the house came down my friend told her that she had started the soft boiled eggs for her but "how do you tell from the egg timer when they are done?"
She had put the egg timer into the water with the boiling eggs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now - you call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golf Gun"
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum
“My Brother Vernie Doesn’t Have One” by Doctor Dan
"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily
"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic
"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit
(illustrated by Betty Wont)
"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns
"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich
"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff
"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While
Received from Cybersalt Digest.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: The New School Prayer
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: The Bathtub
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the
spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Silent Advice"
An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leaned over and said to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"
Her husband leaned over to her and replied, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Labor Pains
When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat
with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the
birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point
for answering questions about the facts of life.
As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal,
he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"
"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
"Wow," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
hUMOR For March 15th
"Shower Music"
"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."
- Jerry Seinfeld
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"An Honest Day's Work"
Today's Illustration "An honest Day's Work" was one I read on www.sermoncentral.com
The USS Astoria (C-34) was the first U.S. cruiser to engage the Japanese during the Battle of Savo Island, a night action fought 8-9 August 1942. Although she scored two hits on the Imperial flagship Chokai, the Astoria was badly damaged and sank shortly after noon, 9 August.
About 0200 hours a young midwesterner, Signalman 3rd Class Elgin Staples, was swept overboard by the blast when the Astoria's number one eight-inch gun turret exploded. Wounded in both legs by shrapnel and in semi-shock, he was kept afloat by a narrow life belt that he managed to activate with a simple trigger mechanism.
At around 0600 hours, Staples was rescued by a passing destroyer and returned to the Astoria, whose captain was attempting to save the cruiser by beaching her. The effort failed, and Staples, still wearing the same life belt, found himself back in the water. It was lunchtime. Picked up again, this time by the USS President Jackson (AP-37), he was one of 500 survivors of the battle who were evacuated to Noumea.
On board the transport Staples, for the first time, closely examined the life belt that had served him so well. It had been manufactured by Firestone Tire and Rubber Company of Akron, Ohio, and bore a registration number.
Given home leave Staples told his story and asked his mother, who worked for Firestone, about the purpose of the number on the belt. She replied that the company insisted on personal responsibility for the war effort, and that the number was unique and assigned to only one inspector. Staples remembered everything about the lifebelt, and quoted the number. It was his mother's personal code and affixed to every item she was responsible for approving.
SOURCE: Commander Eric J. Berryman, U.S. Naval Reserve, Proceedings, U.S. Naval Institute, vol. 15/6/1036 (June 1989), P. 48.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at
the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat
that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several
patients and their families in a waiting area.
I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here comes
your anesthesiologist."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: World's Thinnest Books
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy
Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg
ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Barney Frank
(D-Mass) & Boy George
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER
KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill CLinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
& Willie Nelson
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates & The 'Donald'
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J.
Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes &
Rosie O'Donnel
THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by PETA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."
- Jerry Seinfeld
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"An Honest Day's Work"
Today's Illustration "An honest Day's Work" was one I read on www.sermoncentral.com
The USS Astoria (C-34) was the first U.S. cruiser to engage the Japanese during the Battle of Savo Island, a night action fought 8-9 August 1942. Although she scored two hits on the Imperial flagship Chokai, the Astoria was badly damaged and sank shortly after noon, 9 August.
About 0200 hours a young midwesterner, Signalman 3rd Class Elgin Staples, was swept overboard by the blast when the Astoria's number one eight-inch gun turret exploded. Wounded in both legs by shrapnel and in semi-shock, he was kept afloat by a narrow life belt that he managed to activate with a simple trigger mechanism.
At around 0600 hours, Staples was rescued by a passing destroyer and returned to the Astoria, whose captain was attempting to save the cruiser by beaching her. The effort failed, and Staples, still wearing the same life belt, found himself back in the water. It was lunchtime. Picked up again, this time by the USS President Jackson (AP-37), he was one of 500 survivors of the battle who were evacuated to Noumea.
On board the transport Staples, for the first time, closely examined the life belt that had served him so well. It had been manufactured by Firestone Tire and Rubber Company of Akron, Ohio, and bore a registration number.
Given home leave Staples told his story and asked his mother, who worked for Firestone, about the purpose of the number on the belt. She replied that the company insisted on personal responsibility for the war effort, and that the number was unique and assigned to only one inspector. Staples remembered everything about the lifebelt, and quoted the number. It was his mother's personal code and affixed to every item she was responsible for approving.
SOURCE: Commander Eric J. Berryman, U.S. Naval Reserve, Proceedings, U.S. Naval Institute, vol. 15/6/1036 (June 1989), P. 48.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at
the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat
that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several
patients and their families in a waiting area.
I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here comes
your anesthesiologist."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: World's Thinnest Books
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy
Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg
ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Barney Frank
(D-Mass) & Boy George
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER
KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill CLinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
& Willie Nelson
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates & The 'Donald'
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J.
Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes &
Rosie O'Donnel
THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by PETA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
hUMOR For March 14th
Thanks to Marti -- Before I was a Mom...
I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about
how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my
teeth everyday.
Before I was a Mom...
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a
lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were
poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom...
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on. Spit on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom...
I never held down a screaming child so that doctors
could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby
sleep.
Before I was a Mom...
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't
want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when
I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my
life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom...
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside
my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a
hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her
child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me
feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom...
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every
10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never
known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,
the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I
didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I
was a Mom.
And before I was a Grandma...
I didn't know that all those "Mom" feelings more than
doubled!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out
loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a
Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left
intact.) Most of them are funny, but some are just
sad.
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT
TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK
AND I HAD HER SHOT
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON
JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS
ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS.
YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS
HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH
TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING
FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE
HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN
HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY
LOOSE VOWELS.
11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE:
[WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT. (Love it! )
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS
BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS
FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!
}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE
WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL
YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE
PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT
WAS SUNDAY.
17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE
HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.
18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS
TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I
absolutely LOVE that one!}
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A
GANGOVER.
22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND
UNDER THE DOCTOR.
23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE
HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH.
HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER
BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I
WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE
MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT
HOT LAST NIGHT.
NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER
EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nervous Witness
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer
thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you
ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."
I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about
how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my
teeth everyday.
Before I was a Mom...
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a
lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were
poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom...
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on. Spit on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom...
I never held down a screaming child so that doctors
could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby
sleep.
Before I was a Mom...
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't
want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when
I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my
life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom...
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside
my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a
hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her
child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me
feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom...
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every
10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never
known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,
the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I
didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I
was a Mom.
And before I was a Grandma...
I didn't know that all those "Mom" feelings more than
doubled!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out
loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a
Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left
intact.) Most of them are funny, but some are just
sad.
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT
TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK
AND I HAD HER SHOT
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON
JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS
ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS.
YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS
HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH
TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING
FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE
HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN
HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY
LOOSE VOWELS.
11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE:
[WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT. (Love it! )
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS
BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS
FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!
}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE
WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL
YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE
PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT
WAS SUNDAY.
17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE
HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.
18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS
TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I
absolutely LOVE that one!}
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A
GANGOVER.
22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND
UNDER THE DOCTOR.
23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE
HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH.
HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER
BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I
WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE
MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT
HOT LAST NIGHT.
NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER
EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nervous Witness
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer
thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you
ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."
Monday, March 13, 2006
hUMOR For March 13th
Nose Picking Glossary
* THE KIDDIE PICK: When your by yourself and uninhibently twist your
forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the
best part is there is no limit.
* CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK: When in the presence of other people, you
wrap forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the
smile.
* FAKE NOSE SCRATCH: When you make believe you've got an itch but your
really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
* MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT: You do it so furiously, and for so long your
probably entitled to dessert.
* SURPRISE PICKINGS: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling
out of your nose and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
* AUTOPICK: The kind you do in a car when no ones looking.
* PICK YOUR BRAINS: Done in private this is the one where your finger
goes in so far it passes the septum.
* PICK AND SAVE: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone
looks away, and than you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what
you did.
* PICK AND ROLL: No explanation needed.
* PICK AND FLICK: Ditto.
* PICK AND STICK: You wanted it to be a "PICK AND FLICK" but it
stubornly clings to your fingertip.
* PAYDIRT: The kind when you remove a piece of snot so big it improves
your breathing by 90%.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I.R.S.
Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was
being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner
said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, the place is only closed three days a year. And
you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent
said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed ten
trips to Israel for you and your wife."
"Oh, that?" the owner said looking guilty. " Er
Well... we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For The Kids...
On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
The outside.
How do you know when there is an elephant under your
bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
Why didn't the piglets listen to their father?
Because he was a boar (Brandy, 11)
Why was the doctor always angry?
Because he had no patients (Lan, 9)
What did the hotshot salesman want when he joined the
Army?
His commission
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it
will become?
Wet
When baseball umpires aren't happy with their pay,
they call more strikes.
If you don't fix the plumbing for your shower properly
you could be in a lot of hot water.
A sailor who met a widow was soon second mate.
Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed
to see sickness.
"Could I try on that dress in the window?" "I'd prefer
that you use the dressing room."
Cereal killer caught while cashing victim's Chex.
The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months"
on the board and then she said, "Timmy, how should I
correct that ?" Timmy replied, "Maybe get a new
boyfriend?"
A husband asked his wife if she had seen this
morning's paper. She says, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage
in it -- just the classified section, though." He
said, "But... I haven't seen it yet!" She replies,
"Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds
and a few orange peels."
At night court, a man was brought in and set before
the judge. The judge said, "State your name,
occupation, and the charge." The defendant said, "I'm
Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery." The
judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry
cell!"
A Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having
these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then
I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two
tents."
Any yard work, to me, is not play.
To my wife words of praise I did say:
"When you're out cutting grass,
You're my favorite lass,
And I lawn for you mower each day."
(Kirk Miller)
Old burglars never die they just steal away.
Headline: Police begin campaign to run down
jaywalkers.
Psychiatrist's Nurse, "There's a man in the waiting
room who claims to be invisible." Doctor, "Tell him
I can't see him right now."
"I've just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift
painstakingly.
"Help!" the man on the phone screamed at the plumber,
"I gotta leak in my toilet!" "Why tell me?" said the
plumber. "What do you think it's there for?"
Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machine enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
***********************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of c ash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
* THE KIDDIE PICK: When your by yourself and uninhibently twist your
forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the
best part is there is no limit.
* CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK: When in the presence of other people, you
wrap forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the
smile.
* FAKE NOSE SCRATCH: When you make believe you've got an itch but your
really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
* MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT: You do it so furiously, and for so long your
probably entitled to dessert.
* SURPRISE PICKINGS: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling
out of your nose and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
* AUTOPICK: The kind you do in a car when no ones looking.
* PICK YOUR BRAINS: Done in private this is the one where your finger
goes in so far it passes the septum.
* PICK AND SAVE: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone
looks away, and than you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what
you did.
* PICK AND ROLL: No explanation needed.
* PICK AND FLICK: Ditto.
* PICK AND STICK: You wanted it to be a "PICK AND FLICK" but it
stubornly clings to your fingertip.
* PAYDIRT: The kind when you remove a piece of snot so big it improves
your breathing by 90%.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I.R.S.
Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was
being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner
said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, the place is only closed three days a year. And
you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent
said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed ten
trips to Israel for you and your wife."
"Oh, that?" the owner said looking guilty. " Er
Well... we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For The Kids...
On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
The outside.
How do you know when there is an elephant under your
bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
Why didn't the piglets listen to their father?
Because he was a boar (Brandy, 11)
Why was the doctor always angry?
Because he had no patients (Lan, 9)
What did the hotshot salesman want when he joined the
Army?
His commission
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it
will become?
Wet
When baseball umpires aren't happy with their pay,
they call more strikes.
If you don't fix the plumbing for your shower properly
you could be in a lot of hot water.
A sailor who met a widow was soon second mate.
Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed
to see sickness.
"Could I try on that dress in the window?" "I'd prefer
that you use the dressing room."
Cereal killer caught while cashing victim's Chex.
The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months"
on the board and then she said, "Timmy, how should I
correct that ?" Timmy replied, "Maybe get a new
boyfriend?"
A husband asked his wife if she had seen this
morning's paper. She says, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage
in it -- just the classified section, though." He
said, "But... I haven't seen it yet!" She replies,
"Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds
and a few orange peels."
At night court, a man was brought in and set before
the judge. The judge said, "State your name,
occupation, and the charge." The defendant said, "I'm
Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery." The
judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry
cell!"
A Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having
these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then
I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two
tents."
Any yard work, to me, is not play.
To my wife words of praise I did say:
"When you're out cutting grass,
You're my favorite lass,
And I lawn for you mower each day."
(Kirk Miller)
Old burglars never die they just steal away.
Headline: Police begin campaign to run down
jaywalkers.
Psychiatrist's Nurse, "There's a man in the waiting
room who claims to be invisible." Doctor, "Tell him
I can't see him right now."
"I've just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift
painstakingly.
"Help!" the man on the phone screamed at the plumber,
"I gotta leak in my toilet!" "Why tell me?" said the
plumber. "What do you think it's there for?"
Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machine enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
***********************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of c ash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
hUMOR For March 12th
Hashing It Out
I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same
neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner
shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second
place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order
of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several
times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.
When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my
second job. A server immediately handed me my first order.
"Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these
people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them
cold ones."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Terrorist Warning "
We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Few Laughs About Texas
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get tornadoes out
here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had one a while back, but it ran
into a sandstorm outside of town and got ripped to pieces."
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Doesn't it ever rain out here?"
The cowboy replied, "Sure. There was a half-inch of rain a couple of
weeks ago just a few miles north of here, but I was too busy and
couldn't go."
The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a drive-in theater it
once blew Gene Autry right out of the saddle."
A little brown hen once got caught in a West Texas sandstorm. She was
flying through the air backward so fast that she laid the same egg
three times.
It was so windy that prairie dogs were digging holes 40 feet in the air.
It was so dry that the Baptists were sprinkling, the Methodists were
spitting, and the Catholics were giving rain checks.
It was so hot that I saw a roadrunner pull a worm out of the ground
using pot holders.
It was so cold that a farmer threw a dipperful of water and it froze
in midair and knocked a pup unconscious.
A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do you stand the
wind blowing every single day?" The rancher said, "You just have to
get used to it - learn to lean into it. In fact, one day last fall the
wind stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the chickens in the
panhandle plumb fell over."
During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited his banker and
applied for a loan. The banker warned him, "I'll have to come out and
inspect the property first." The rancher replied, "That won't be
necessary. Here it comes now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Psych:
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a
drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world.
He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave
him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an
attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat
around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle.
Iworked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I
finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same
neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner
shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second
place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order
of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several
times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.
When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my
second job. A server immediately handed me my first order.
"Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these
people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them
cold ones."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Terrorist Warning "
We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Few Laughs About Texas
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get tornadoes out
here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had one a while back, but it ran
into a sandstorm outside of town and got ripped to pieces."
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Doesn't it ever rain out here?"
The cowboy replied, "Sure. There was a half-inch of rain a couple of
weeks ago just a few miles north of here, but I was too busy and
couldn't go."
The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a drive-in theater it
once blew Gene Autry right out of the saddle."
A little brown hen once got caught in a West Texas sandstorm. She was
flying through the air backward so fast that she laid the same egg
three times.
It was so windy that prairie dogs were digging holes 40 feet in the air.
It was so dry that the Baptists were sprinkling, the Methodists were
spitting, and the Catholics were giving rain checks.
It was so hot that I saw a roadrunner pull a worm out of the ground
using pot holders.
It was so cold that a farmer threw a dipperful of water and it froze
in midair and knocked a pup unconscious.
A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do you stand the
wind blowing every single day?" The rancher said, "You just have to
get used to it - learn to lean into it. In fact, one day last fall the
wind stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the chickens in the
panhandle plumb fell over."
During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited his banker and
applied for a loan. The banker warned him, "I'll have to come out and
inspect the property first." The rancher replied, "That won't be
necessary. Here it comes now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Psych:
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a
drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world.
He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave
him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an
attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat
around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle.
Iworked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I
finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
Saturday, March 11, 2006
hUMOR For March 11th
"Bank Enunciation"
Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."
"You should have used the drive-through," she said.
"Why?"
"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Look Like Mom"
A two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up.
"I'm going to look just like you, Mommy!" she announced.
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
"No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laws Concerning Food and Drink
Household Principles
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier
*Laws of Forbidden Places*
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea,
and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may
eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you
may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of
the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color
and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living
room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal
treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room,
neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may not
eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.
*Laws When at Table*
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such
as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below
you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the
table, for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your
feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of
rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any
utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not
what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk,
and lick it off, you will be sent away from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth
hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding
like a duck: for you will be sent away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you
have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or
your sister what is within; verily I say to you, do not so,
even if your brother or your sister has done the same before
you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you,
do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend,
because we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees,
do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do
not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or
the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into
the syrup.
And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to pass.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up
roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the
finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst
through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red
roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered
our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me
and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding
anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed
my wife's hard drive!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Men on a Trip
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and
were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story
skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to
hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and
they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get
to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony
of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something
interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can
sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell
sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim
began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing
and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left
the room key in the car!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hunters from Minn.
Two hunters from Minnesota -- (true story) This is
from a radio program, a true report of an incident in
Minnesota:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for
$42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a
friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all
the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the
lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new
vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get
ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural
landing area for the ducks, for the decoys to float
on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like
something a wandering duck would fly down and land on,
it's going to take a little more effort than an ice
hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a
stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now,
these two rocket s cientists do take into
consideration that they want to place the stick of
dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they,
(and the new Navigator truck), are standing. They
don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice
when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up
in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the vehicle, the guns, and the dog?? Let's talk about
the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the
time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder
what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grab s the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #6 shot, hardly big enough
to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator
truck. The men continue to yell as they run. The
exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog
yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and
takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to
the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving
the two idiots standing there with this "I can't
believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not COVERED. He
still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a
month payments!!!
…….And you thought your day was not going well.
Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."
"You should have used the drive-through," she said.
"Why?"
"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Look Like Mom"
A two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up.
"I'm going to look just like you, Mommy!" she announced.
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
"No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laws Concerning Food and Drink
Household Principles
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier
*Laws of Forbidden Places*
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea,
and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may
eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you
may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of
the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color
and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living
room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal
treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room,
neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may not
eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.
*Laws When at Table*
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such
as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below
you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the
table, for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your
feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of
rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any
utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not
what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk,
and lick it off, you will be sent away from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth
hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding
like a duck: for you will be sent away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you
have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or
your sister what is within; verily I say to you, do not so,
even if your brother or your sister has done the same before
you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you,
do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend,
because we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees,
do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do
not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or
the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into
the syrup.
And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to pass.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up
roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the
finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst
through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red
roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered
our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me
and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding
anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed
my wife's hard drive!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Men on a Trip
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and
were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story
skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to
hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and
they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get
to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony
of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something
interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can
sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell
sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim
began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing
and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left
the room key in the car!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hunters from Minn.
Two hunters from Minnesota -- (true story) This is
from a radio program, a true report of an incident in
Minnesota:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for
$42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a
friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all
the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the
lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new
vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get
ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural
landing area for the ducks, for the decoys to float
on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like
something a wandering duck would fly down and land on,
it's going to take a little more effort than an ice
hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a
stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now,
these two rocket s cientists do take into
consideration that they want to place the stick of
dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they,
(and the new Navigator truck), are standing. They
don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice
when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up
in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the vehicle, the guns, and the dog?? Let's talk about
the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the
time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder
what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grab s the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #6 shot, hardly big enough
to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator
truck. The men continue to yell as they run. The
exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog
yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and
takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to
the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving
the two idiots standing there with this "I can't
believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not COVERED. He
still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a
month payments!!!
…….And you thought your day was not going well.
Friday, March 10, 2006
hUMOR For March 10th
HUMOR
Oxymorons
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
26. Christmas oxymoron:? What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
"Whisper Shock"
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. That's when it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Attending Church"
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor
Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is
told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a
card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You've Got Bottle"
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Indoors"
If a rabbit is raised indoors, would it be an ingrown hare?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stained Glass
An minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of
presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new
church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message
centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole
picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like
the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to
make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And
then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a
little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
Oxymorons
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
26. Christmas oxymoron:? What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
"Whisper Shock"
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. That's when it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Attending Church"
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor
Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is
told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a
card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You've Got Bottle"
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Indoors"
If a rabbit is raised indoors, would it be an ingrown hare?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stained Glass
An minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of
presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new
church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message
centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole
picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like
the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to
make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And
then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a
little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)