My husband had been the only driver in the family for many
years. I can't drive and usually prefer to sit in the back
of the family car behind the front passenger seat. Our elder
boy would take the front seat and the younger boy sat in the
back with me.
When our elder son got his driver's license, his father was
very happy because he wanted to relax as a passenger for a
change.
On the day our elder son got to drive for the first time,
there was a change in the seating position. My husband
decided he wanted to sit in the back with me, so our younger
boy went to the front.
As we were leaving the parking lot, our younger boy cheered,
"Yeeeaaahh...! We children have taken over the car!" He then
turned around, looked at us, and said with mock severity,
"Now, the two of you behave yourselves in the back." He
paused for a few seconds before adding, "Remember now, no
hanky panky!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SNIFFER
A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down in the
aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the
middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and
asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second
man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog
is a "Sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the
best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,
when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the
agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to
"search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle,
and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for
several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on
the Agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man
and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the
aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police."
"I like it!" says his seatmate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing
back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior
and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog
would act like that, so he asks t he agent "What's
going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting
the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.
His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking."
The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Monday, March 06, 2006
hUMOR For Mar. 6th
Do You See God?
SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!
One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain "evolution" to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He
just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LTTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school,
she must not have one!
(You Go Girl!)
FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT, II CORINTHIANS 5:7
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!!!
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender
roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the
overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk
even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the
old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without
hesitation, said, "Land mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During WWII, the Japanese were searching for a way to
demoralize the American forces that they faced. Their Psychological
warfare experts came up with a message that they thought would work
well. They gave the script to their famous broadcaster "Tokyo Rose"
and everyday she would broadcast this same message packaged in various
ways hoping to have an impact on American GI morale.
What was the message? It had three main points:
1. Your President is lying to you.
2. This war is illegal.
3. You cannot win the war
Sound familiar?
Maybe it's because the Democrat Party has picked up the same message
and is broadcasting it to our troops. The only difference is that they
claim to support our troops before they demoralize them. Come to think
of it, Tokyo Rose used to tell the troops she was on their side.
Think about this next Election Day.
Let's see how many people vote for Tokyo Harry, Tokyo Teddy, Tokyo
Nancy , Tokyo Murtha, Tokyo John, or Tokyo Hillary.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at
self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to
put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a
supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went
by before we got a call that could be traced to those
placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my
yard, and I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or
you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched
is directly proportional to the stupidity of the act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss a flat tire
made you late for work, the very next morning you will
have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will start to move faster than the
one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in
water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting
someone you know increases when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, people with seats furthest
from the aisle, arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that
lasts until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chance that an
open-faced jelly sandwich will land face-down on the
floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost
of the carpet/rug.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product you really
like, they will stop making it.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Why Are You Here?"
A man dressed as napoleon went to see a psychiatrist at the urging of his wife. "What's your problem?" the doctor asked?
"I have no problem," the man replied. "I'm one of the most famous people in the world. I have a great army behind me. I have all the money I'll ever need, and I live in great luxury."
"Then why are you here?"
"It's because of my wife," the man said. "She thinks she's Mrs.Levine."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Light sabers don't kill people. Jedi Knights kill people."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Flea"
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perfectly Made
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my
sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left
for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable
when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was
perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I
discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!
One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain "evolution" to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He
just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LTTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school,
she must not have one!
(You Go Girl!)
FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT, II CORINTHIANS 5:7
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!!!
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender
roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the
overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk
even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the
old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without
hesitation, said, "Land mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During WWII, the Japanese were searching for a way to
demoralize the American forces that they faced. Their Psychological
warfare experts came up with a message that they thought would work
well. They gave the script to their famous broadcaster "Tokyo Rose"
and everyday she would broadcast this same message packaged in various
ways hoping to have an impact on American GI morale.
What was the message? It had three main points:
1. Your President is lying to you.
2. This war is illegal.
3. You cannot win the war
Sound familiar?
Maybe it's because the Democrat Party has picked up the same message
and is broadcasting it to our troops. The only difference is that they
claim to support our troops before they demoralize them. Come to think
of it, Tokyo Rose used to tell the troops she was on their side.
Think about this next Election Day.
Let's see how many people vote for Tokyo Harry, Tokyo Teddy, Tokyo
Nancy , Tokyo Murtha, Tokyo John, or Tokyo Hillary.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at
self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to
put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a
supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went
by before we got a call that could be traced to those
placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my
yard, and I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or
you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched
is directly proportional to the stupidity of the act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss a flat tire
made you late for work, the very next morning you will
have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will start to move faster than the
one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in
water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting
someone you know increases when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, people with seats furthest
from the aisle, arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that
lasts until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chance that an
open-faced jelly sandwich will land face-down on the
floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost
of the carpet/rug.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product you really
like, they will stop making it.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Why Are You Here?"
A man dressed as napoleon went to see a psychiatrist at the urging of his wife. "What's your problem?" the doctor asked?
"I have no problem," the man replied. "I'm one of the most famous people in the world. I have a great army behind me. I have all the money I'll ever need, and I live in great luxury."
"Then why are you here?"
"It's because of my wife," the man said. "She thinks she's Mrs.Levine."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Light sabers don't kill people. Jedi Knights kill people."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Flea"
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perfectly Made
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my
sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left
for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable
when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was
perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I
discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
hUMOR For Mar. 5th
Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work
1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2006 - and
it's only the middle of February.
2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
produces images of Elvis ... Or maybe Mister Rogers.
3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.
4. You decide to see how many Jolt Colas you can drink before the
inevitable explosion occurs.
5. Co-workers come into your cubicle frequently ... to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Goober Ice Fishing"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
There were two good ol' boys from the South who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need a dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how's the fishing going?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Refined Shopping"
A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is it there," he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Never run out of altitude, air speed, & ideas at one time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Computer"
The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Things Overheard on Noah's Ark"
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source." - Ron Nesen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Prayer Motivation"
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2006 - and
it's only the middle of February.
2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
produces images of Elvis ... Or maybe Mister Rogers.
3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.
4. You decide to see how many Jolt Colas you can drink before the
inevitable explosion occurs.
5. Co-workers come into your cubicle frequently ... to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Goober Ice Fishing"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
There were two good ol' boys from the South who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need a dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how's the fishing going?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Refined Shopping"
A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is it there," he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Never run out of altitude, air speed, & ideas at one time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Computer"
The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Things Overheard on Noah's Ark"
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source." - Ron Nesen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Prayer Motivation"
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Saturday, March 04, 2006
hUMOR For March 4th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions
said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference --
pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master,"
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little
ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both
on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go
of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst
would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with
Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
Still in shock,
Tommy
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH -- who obviously doesn't agree with
this... I mean, really... :)
The Brain
The relatives gathered in the waiting room at the
hospital where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is
the only hope.
"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have
to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news. After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male
brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not
to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but
some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the
question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male
brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and
explained to the entire group, "It's just standard
pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of
the female brains, because they've actually been
used."
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Why you never hear 'Muslim jokes'
Jackie Mason
Muslim fundamentalists have decided that even if you
never saw or heard of the cartoons, you deserve to be
hit with rocks, have your car wrecked and your
embassies destroyed.
Ironic ally, the cartoonists were not insulting Islam;
they were satirizing fanaticism. Now the fanatics have
decided that there are no laws, limits or boundaries
that apply to their behavior. They not only have the
right to take your life; they now have the right to
rob you of your freedom of expression.
Could you picture a Jew killing anybody for such
meaningless reasons? If a Jew gets mad he might sneak
into your house and steal your Lipitor or he would
make a deal with your doctor to lie about your
cholesterol number, or just when you have fasted a
whole day on Yom Kippur he would sneak into your house
and steal all the pastrami sandwiches.
I never saw a Jew going into meaningless fights. That
is why you seldom see Jewish football players. A Jew
is not going to take a chance in spraining his neck or
tearing a ligament in his knee just because he was
fighting with somebody about catching a ball. He would
rather go to a store and buy another ball and avoid
the whole problem. That is why there are also no
Jewish hockey players. Hockey players spend all their
time hitting each other in the mouth with sticks.
When Jews saw how Gentiles played hockey, that is how
Jews found out that instead of becoming hockey players
they would become dentists, and that way they decided
to let other people play the game while they found a
way to make a profit from it.
Jews are never known to get into unnecessary physical
battles. That is why people are never afraid of being
attacked by a Jew. Did you ever hear anybody say,
'Don't go into that neighborhood, it is very
dangerous, there are a lot of Jews there?' Jews have
so long been accustomed to being threatened and
persecuted all over the world that they cou ld never
dream of creating needless violence anywhere, because
they would be grateful to find a place where they are
allowed to live in peace.
Meanwhile, the world is reacting with an amazing
cowardice. Instead of a collective fury, we are
pleading forgiveness and promising not to offend them
with any more cartoons. Could anything be more
perverted?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for Happiness?
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor
Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for Happiness?
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor
Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions
said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference --
pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master,"
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little
ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both
on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go
of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst
would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with
Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
Still in shock,
Tommy
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH -- who obviously doesn't agree with
this... I mean, really... :)
The Brain
The relatives gathered in the waiting room at the
hospital where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is
the only hope.
"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have
to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news. After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male
brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not
to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but
some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the
question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male
brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and
explained to the entire group, "It's just standard
pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of
the female brains, because they've actually been
used."
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Why you never hear 'Muslim jokes'
Jackie Mason
Muslim fundamentalists have decided that even if you
never saw or heard of the cartoons, you deserve to be
hit with rocks, have your car wrecked and your
embassies destroyed.
Ironic ally, the cartoonists were not insulting Islam;
they were satirizing fanaticism. Now the fanatics have
decided that there are no laws, limits or boundaries
that apply to their behavior. They not only have the
right to take your life; they now have the right to
rob you of your freedom of expression.
Could you picture a Jew killing anybody for such
meaningless reasons? If a Jew gets mad he might sneak
into your house and steal your Lipitor or he would
make a deal with your doctor to lie about your
cholesterol number, or just when you have fasted a
whole day on Yom Kippur he would sneak into your house
and steal all the pastrami sandwiches.
I never saw a Jew going into meaningless fights. That
is why you seldom see Jewish football players. A Jew
is not going to take a chance in spraining his neck or
tearing a ligament in his knee just because he was
fighting with somebody about catching a ball. He would
rather go to a store and buy another ball and avoid
the whole problem. That is why there are also no
Jewish hockey players. Hockey players spend all their
time hitting each other in the mouth with sticks.
When Jews saw how Gentiles played hockey, that is how
Jews found out that instead of becoming hockey players
they would become dentists, and that way they decided
to let other people play the game while they found a
way to make a profit from it.
Jews are never known to get into unnecessary physical
battles. That is why people are never afraid of being
attacked by a Jew. Did you ever hear anybody say,
'Don't go into that neighborhood, it is very
dangerous, there are a lot of Jews there?' Jews have
so long been accustomed to being threatened and
persecuted all over the world that they cou ld never
dream of creating needless violence anywhere, because
they would be grateful to find a place where they are
allowed to live in peace.
Meanwhile, the world is reacting with an amazing
cowardice. Instead of a collective fury, we are
pleading forgiveness and promising not to offend them
with any more cartoons. Could anything be more
perverted?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for Happiness?
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor
Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for Happiness?
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor
Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
Friday, March 03, 2006
hUMOR For March 3rd
Weight Report
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a
call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed
to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his
fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego,
Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch
by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the
places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...
practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad...
there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like
fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on
chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by
the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder
these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my
place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far
as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet
and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a
school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the
school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it
ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you
got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I
only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She
picked up something off the ground and started to put
it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I
asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know
where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I
replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total
admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this
stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this
stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or
they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in
silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the
test, you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face
and joy in my heart.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS -- Now think about this one, folks, like
it or not he does make some powerful points...
If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY
THIS:
Enter Mexico illegally. Never mind immigration quotas,
visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
• Once there, demand that the local government
provide free medical care for you and your entire
family.
• Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
• Demand free bilingual local government
forms, bulletins, etc.
• Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism
of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior
with, "It is a cultural USA thing. You would not
understand, pal."
• Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old
Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your
front window or on your car bumper.
• Speak only English at home and in public and
insist that your children do likewise.
• Demand classes on American culture in the
Mexican school system.
• Demand a local Mexican driver license. This
will afford other legal rights and will go far to
legitimize your unauthorized, illegal presence in
Mexico.
• Drive around with no liability insurance and
ignore local traffic laws.
• Insist that local Mexican law enforcement
teach English to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time or
soon dead. It will never happen. It will not happen in
Mexico or any other country in the world except right
here in the United States, Land of the naive and
stupid, idiotic politically correct politicians.
If you agree, pass it on.
If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Mexico or
Iran.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A member of the senior adult class dropped by the presiding elder’s office on Friday morning and said, “Pastor, good news! I think I’m going to get married, but I’ve got a problem.” The pastor replied, “Congratulations, Fred, that is good news, ... but what could possibly be the problem?”
Fred -“Well, last night I asked Louise to marry me, but I can’t remember how she answered,”
Pastor- “Here’s the phone. Call her up and make sure.”
Fred (after dialing) – “Louise, this is Fred. This is embarrassing, so please bear with me. I can’t remember what your answer was last night when I asked you to marry me!”
Louise- “Well that solves a mystery for me that's bothered me all day! I was thinking somebody asked me to marry him, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember who it was.”
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a
call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed
to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his
fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego,
Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch
by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the
places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...
practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad...
there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like
fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on
chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by
the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder
these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my
place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far
as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet
and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a
school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the
school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it
ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you
got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I
only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She
picked up something off the ground and started to put
it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I
asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know
where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I
replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total
admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this
stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this
stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or
they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in
silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the
test, you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face
and joy in my heart.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS -- Now think about this one, folks, like
it or not he does make some powerful points...
If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY
THIS:
Enter Mexico illegally. Never mind immigration quotas,
visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
• Once there, demand that the local government
provide free medical care for you and your entire
family.
• Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
• Demand free bilingual local government
forms, bulletins, etc.
• Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism
of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior
with, "It is a cultural USA thing. You would not
understand, pal."
• Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old
Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your
front window or on your car bumper.
• Speak only English at home and in public and
insist that your children do likewise.
• Demand classes on American culture in the
Mexican school system.
• Demand a local Mexican driver license. This
will afford other legal rights and will go far to
legitimize your unauthorized, illegal presence in
Mexico.
• Drive around with no liability insurance and
ignore local traffic laws.
• Insist that local Mexican law enforcement
teach English to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time or
soon dead. It will never happen. It will not happen in
Mexico or any other country in the world except right
here in the United States, Land of the naive and
stupid, idiotic politically correct politicians.
If you agree, pass it on.
If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Mexico or
Iran.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A member of the senior adult class dropped by the presiding elder’s office on Friday morning and said, “Pastor, good news! I think I’m going to get married, but I’ve got a problem.” The pastor replied, “Congratulations, Fred, that is good news, ... but what could possibly be the problem?”
Fred -“Well, last night I asked Louise to marry me, but I can’t remember how she answered,”
Pastor- “Here’s the phone. Call her up and make sure.”
Fred (after dialing) – “Louise, this is Fred. This is embarrassing, so please bear with me. I can’t remember what your answer was last night when I asked you to marry me!”
Louise- “Well that solves a mystery for me that's bothered me all day! I was thinking somebody asked me to marry him, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember who it was.”
Thursday, March 02, 2006
hUMOR For Feb 2nd
Nose Ring
I was hanging out with a blonde friend of mine when we saw a woman
walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My
friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her
head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain
the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing
so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have
acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures.
There will be any number of times, during the course of your
association with humans, when you will wonder why you have
bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans anyway? Why not just hang
around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have
struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer
is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening
doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing
television stations, and other activities that we, despite
our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do
ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans, and lemurs also have
opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more
important activities than taking care of your immediate
needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their
families, or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this
work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment
it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will
do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its
hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same
practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human
to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has
paper in front of it, chances are good it assumes the paper
is more important than you. It will often offer you a snack
to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood
pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works
well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys, and
small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is
between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your
human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better
than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent
haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to
scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to
vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting
suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human
will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these
extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human.
Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating
household plants, are likely to backfire; the
unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the
activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer
these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a
romantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and
feign a hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing
horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back
away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting
humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled
animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already
dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly
expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given
their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures
up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend
the following: cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs,
lizards, garden snakes, and the occasional earthworm) should
be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds,
rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still
living. When you see the expression on your human's face,
you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are obligated to your human for only one of your lives.
The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and
matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones
that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But
what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable
thumbs will take you only so far.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"House Calls"
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Investigation"
A woman had a beautiful black cat with white feet, named Socks. Socks spent his days outside and came indoors only at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared.
She searched for him high and low, for several days, but all in vain. The following spring, however, Socks reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd just been out sowing his wild oats, and let it go at that.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Socks once again disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior year, he returned. When it happened for the third year in a row, she became very perplexed, and decided to investigate. She started by asking her neighbors to see what, if any, information they might have.
She was down to the last house on the block, the home of an older couple. If they didn't have the answer, she wasn't sure where she would turn. So she went up and knocked on the door. The lady of the house answered, and she asked her, "By any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with 4 white feet around here?"
"A black cat?" the woman said. "With 4 white feet? Oh my, yes! He's the sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing him outside every fall. We hated it that the poor thing had to be out in the cold, so we decided that when we go south for the winter, we'd take him with us. He's been going to Florida with us every winter for the last few years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to kittyspann -- THINK ABOUT THIS!
A car company can move its factories to Mexico and
claim it's a free market.
A toy company can out source to a Chinese
subcontractor and claim it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes
and claim it's a free market.
We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico.
We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh.
When I need to speak to someone about my computer, I
talk to somebody in India.
We can purchase almost anything we want from 20
different countries
BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their
prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy.
That's called un-American! And you think the
pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby?
Think again!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: A Lawyer's Prayer
A Lawyer’s Prayer
“We respectively request, and entreat, that due and
adequate provisions be made this day and the date
hereinafter subscribed, for the organizing of such
methods and allocations and distributions as may be
deemed necessary to properly assure the reception by
and for said petitioner of such quantities of baked
cereal products as shall, in the judgment of the
Provider, constitute a sufficient supply thereof.”
Interpretation: “Give us this day our daily bread.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Discovery
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.
An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr.
Bell and his assistant, a man named Watson, have been
hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound
over wires.
As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the
receiver, he suddenly hears ... ring, ring, ring ....
then....
"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your
long distance service?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she
woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that
you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What
do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package
and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled
"The meaning of dreams."
I was hanging out with a blonde friend of mine when we saw a woman
walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My
friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her
head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain
the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing
so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have
acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures.
There will be any number of times, during the course of your
association with humans, when you will wonder why you have
bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans anyway? Why not just hang
around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have
struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer
is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening
doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing
television stations, and other activities that we, despite
our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do
ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans, and lemurs also have
opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more
important activities than taking care of your immediate
needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their
families, or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this
work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment
it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will
do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its
hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same
practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human
to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has
paper in front of it, chances are good it assumes the paper
is more important than you. It will often offer you a snack
to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood
pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works
well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys, and
small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is
between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your
human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better
than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent
haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to
scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to
vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting
suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human
will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these
extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human.
Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating
household plants, are likely to backfire; the
unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the
activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer
these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a
romantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and
feign a hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing
horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back
away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting
humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled
animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already
dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly
expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given
their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures
up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend
the following: cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs,
lizards, garden snakes, and the occasional earthworm) should
be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds,
rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still
living. When you see the expression on your human's face,
you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are obligated to your human for only one of your lives.
The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and
matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones
that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But
what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable
thumbs will take you only so far.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"House Calls"
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Investigation"
A woman had a beautiful black cat with white feet, named Socks. Socks spent his days outside and came indoors only at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared.
She searched for him high and low, for several days, but all in vain. The following spring, however, Socks reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd just been out sowing his wild oats, and let it go at that.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Socks once again disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior year, he returned. When it happened for the third year in a row, she became very perplexed, and decided to investigate. She started by asking her neighbors to see what, if any, information they might have.
She was down to the last house on the block, the home of an older couple. If they didn't have the answer, she wasn't sure where she would turn. So she went up and knocked on the door. The lady of the house answered, and she asked her, "By any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with 4 white feet around here?"
"A black cat?" the woman said. "With 4 white feet? Oh my, yes! He's the sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing him outside every fall. We hated it that the poor thing had to be out in the cold, so we decided that when we go south for the winter, we'd take him with us. He's been going to Florida with us every winter for the last few years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to kittyspann -- THINK ABOUT THIS!
A car company can move its factories to Mexico and
claim it's a free market.
A toy company can out source to a Chinese
subcontractor and claim it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes
and claim it's a free market.
We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico.
We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh.
When I need to speak to someone about my computer, I
talk to somebody in India.
We can purchase almost anything we want from 20
different countries
BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their
prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy.
That's called un-American! And you think the
pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby?
Think again!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: A Lawyer's Prayer
A Lawyer’s Prayer
“We respectively request, and entreat, that due and
adequate provisions be made this day and the date
hereinafter subscribed, for the organizing of such
methods and allocations and distributions as may be
deemed necessary to properly assure the reception by
and for said petitioner of such quantities of baked
cereal products as shall, in the judgment of the
Provider, constitute a sufficient supply thereof.”
Interpretation: “Give us this day our daily bread.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Discovery
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.
An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr.
Bell and his assistant, a man named Watson, have been
hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound
over wires.
As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the
receiver, he suddenly hears ... ring, ring, ring ....
then....
"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your
long distance service?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she
woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that
you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What
do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package
and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled
"The meaning of dreams."
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 28th
Babysitting"
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education.
One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them.
Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting."
And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PARAMEDIC LAWYER
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their
respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,"
bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time
by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the
second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model
of traffic patterns, we've cut our average response time by
20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations,
until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our
ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our
emergency response time in half!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Question...
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Somebody told him to "Get a long little doggy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Matthew & Amy -- A little late... sorry...
Valentines Day
Note to the guys:
I just love to do special things for my wife on
Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she
puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug
and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room
cleaning. Guys, it's these little thoughtful things
you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and
one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got
started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our
sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've
already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued
Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute
now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From fran -- BIBLE
A father was approached by his small son who told him
proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father
smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what
the Bible means? The little boy replied, "I really
do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So tell me son, what does
the Bible mean?
"Thats easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions
Before Leaving Earth.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CT: Churches in New Orleans
One of the local television stations in South
Louisiana actually aired an interview with a woman
from New Orleans.
The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate,
so she asked the interviewee how such total and
complete devastation of the churches in the area had
affected their lives.
The woman replied," I don't know about all those other
people, but we haven't gone to Church's in years. We
gets our chicken from Popeye's."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two blonde carpenters...
Two blondes with hammers, Sue and Tracey, were doing some carpentry work on a house.
Sue, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a
nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Tracey, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those
nails away?"
Sue explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head
on the wrong end; and I throw them away."
Tracey got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!"
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education.
One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them.
Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting."
And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PARAMEDIC LAWYER
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their
respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,"
bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time
by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the
second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model
of traffic patterns, we've cut our average response time by
20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations,
until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our
ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our
emergency response time in half!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Question...
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Somebody told him to "Get a long little doggy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Matthew & Amy -- A little late... sorry...
Valentines Day
Note to the guys:
I just love to do special things for my wife on
Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she
puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug
and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room
cleaning. Guys, it's these little thoughtful things
you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and
one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got
started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our
sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've
already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued
Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute
now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From fran -- BIBLE
A father was approached by his small son who told him
proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father
smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what
the Bible means? The little boy replied, "I really
do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So tell me son, what does
the Bible mean?
"Thats easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions
Before Leaving Earth.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CT: Churches in New Orleans
One of the local television stations in South
Louisiana actually aired an interview with a woman
from New Orleans.
The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate,
so she asked the interviewee how such total and
complete devastation of the churches in the area had
affected their lives.
The woman replied," I don't know about all those other
people, but we haven't gone to Church's in years. We
gets our chicken from Popeye's."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two blonde carpenters...
Two blondes with hammers, Sue and Tracey, were doing some carpentry work on a house.
Sue, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a
nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Tracey, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those
nails away?"
Sue explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head
on the wrong end; and I throw them away."
Tracey got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!"
Monday, February 27, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 27th
Thanks to JLH: Double DIPPIN' {the true meaning}
Sent: The day after her husband disappeared in a
kayaking accident, an Anchorage woman answered her
door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mrs. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your husband," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find him?" Mrs. Wilkens cried.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have
some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mrs. Wilkens said, "Give
me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, ma'am, but
this morning we found your husband's body in Kachemak
Bay."
"Oh!" exclaimed Mrs. Wilkens. Swallowing hard, she
asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled him up he had 2
twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness
crabs on him."
Stunned, Mrs. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good
news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull him up again
tomorrow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From my Bro.-in-law -- CEG: Church Bulletin Bloopers
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in
church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.
-------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us
kill Christ the King.
-----------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
-------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
-------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
-------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
-------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship ! that
began in their school days.
----------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
-------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
-------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
----------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with
the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket an! d
come prepared to sin.
-------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10
AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship
Hall after the B. S. is done.
-------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7
PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge--Up Yours"
Sent: The day after her husband disappeared in a
kayaking accident, an Anchorage woman answered her
door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mrs. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your husband," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find him?" Mrs. Wilkens cried.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have
some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mrs. Wilkens said, "Give
me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, ma'am, but
this morning we found your husband's body in Kachemak
Bay."
"Oh!" exclaimed Mrs. Wilkens. Swallowing hard, she
asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled him up he had 2
twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness
crabs on him."
Stunned, Mrs. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good
news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull him up again
tomorrow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From my Bro.-in-law -- CEG: Church Bulletin Bloopers
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in
church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.
-------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us
kill Christ the King.
-----------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
-------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.
-------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
-------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
-------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship ! that
began in their school days.
----------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
-------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
-------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
----------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with
the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket an! d
come prepared to sin.
-------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10
AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship
Hall after the B. S. is done.
-------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for
the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7
PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge--Up Yours"
Sunday, February 26, 2006
hUMOR For Feb 26th
Wrong Advertising
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its
regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown
to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some
pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the
words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- PC gone stupid
Sometimes all you can do is sigh -- just another
example of the depth of ignorance and enthusiastic
willingness to believe without examination of our
student rebels without a clue.
This is from John Fund's poitical diary:
'Pappy' Shot Down by Campus Ignoramuses
It's well known that college students today aren't as
educated in our nation's history as they should be,
but it's still hard to grasp the mind-bending
political correctness just displayed by the University
of Washington's student senate at its campus in
Seattle.
The issue before the Senate this month was a proposed
memorial to World War II combat pilot Gregory "Pappy"
Boyington, a 1933 engineering graduate of the
university, who was awarded the Congressional Medal of
Honor for his service commanding the famed "Black
Sheep" squadron in the Pacific. The student senate
rejected the memorial because "a Marine" is not "an
example of the sort of person UW wants to produce."
Digging themselves in deeper, the student opponents of
the memorial indicated: "We don't need to honor any
more rich white males." Other opponents compared
Boyington's actions during World War II with murder.
"I am absolutely bewildered that the Student Senate
voted down the resolution," Brent Ludeman, the
president of the UW College Republicans, told me. He
noted that despite the deficiencies of the UW History
Department, the complete ignorance of Boyington's
history and reputation by the student body was hard to
fathom. After all, "Black Sheep Squadron," a 1970s
television show portraying Colonel Boyington's heroism
as a pilot and Japanese prisoner of war, still airs
frequently on the History Channel. Apparently, though,
it's an unusual UW student who'd be willing to learn
any U.S. History even if it's spoonfed to him by TV.
As for the sin of honoring a rich white male, Mr.
Ludeman points out that Boyington (who died in 1988)
was neither rich nor white. He happened to be a Sioux
Indian, who wound up raising his three children as a
single parent. "Colonel Boyington is luckily not
around to see how ignorant students at his alma mater
can be today," says Kirby Wilbur, a morning talk show
host at Seattle's KVI Radio. Perhaps the trustees and
alumni of the school will now help educate them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be
thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've
got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my
paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the
worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close. My traction is
not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It
takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate
burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it --
almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust
backfires!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Quotes Of Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
No man is good enough to govern another man without
that other's consent.
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of
them?
You have to do your own growing no matter how tall
your grandfather was.
Whatever you are, be a good one.
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to
test a man's character, give him power.
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a
strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here are some
ways to know if you're a true Alabamian...
1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Opelika,
Lafayette, Oneonta, and Eufaula.
2. You think people who complain about the heat in
their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in
the yard and look for a funnel.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is
not determined by the distance to the door, but by the
availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have
sacks and buggys.
6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an
accent.
8. You measure distance in minutes.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like
going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking
out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to
plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle
bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental,
ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.
15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy
Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.
16. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned
how to multiply.
18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to
send them to your friends.
Finally:
19. you are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this
conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr Pepper."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Coffee, No Cream"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
My Goober sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."
My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Motivation"
The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its
regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown
to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some
pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the
words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- PC gone stupid
Sometimes all you can do is sigh -- just another
example of the depth of ignorance and enthusiastic
willingness to believe without examination of our
student rebels without a clue.
This is from John Fund's poitical diary:
'Pappy' Shot Down by Campus Ignoramuses
It's well known that college students today aren't as
educated in our nation's history as they should be,
but it's still hard to grasp the mind-bending
political correctness just displayed by the University
of Washington's student senate at its campus in
Seattle.
The issue before the Senate this month was a proposed
memorial to World War II combat pilot Gregory "Pappy"
Boyington, a 1933 engineering graduate of the
university, who was awarded the Congressional Medal of
Honor for his service commanding the famed "Black
Sheep" squadron in the Pacific. The student senate
rejected the memorial because "a Marine" is not "an
example of the sort of person UW wants to produce."
Digging themselves in deeper, the student opponents of
the memorial indicated: "We don't need to honor any
more rich white males." Other opponents compared
Boyington's actions during World War II with murder.
"I am absolutely bewildered that the Student Senate
voted down the resolution," Brent Ludeman, the
president of the UW College Republicans, told me. He
noted that despite the deficiencies of the UW History
Department, the complete ignorance of Boyington's
history and reputation by the student body was hard to
fathom. After all, "Black Sheep Squadron," a 1970s
television show portraying Colonel Boyington's heroism
as a pilot and Japanese prisoner of war, still airs
frequently on the History Channel. Apparently, though,
it's an unusual UW student who'd be willing to learn
any U.S. History even if it's spoonfed to him by TV.
As for the sin of honoring a rich white male, Mr.
Ludeman points out that Boyington (who died in 1988)
was neither rich nor white. He happened to be a Sioux
Indian, who wound up raising his three children as a
single parent. "Colonel Boyington is luckily not
around to see how ignorant students at his alma mater
can be today," says Kirby Wilbur, a morning talk show
host at Seattle's KVI Radio. Perhaps the trustees and
alumni of the school will now help educate them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be
thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've
got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my
paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the
worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close. My traction is
not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It
takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate
burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it --
almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust
backfires!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Quotes Of Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
No man is good enough to govern another man without
that other's consent.
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of
them?
You have to do your own growing no matter how tall
your grandfather was.
Whatever you are, be a good one.
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to
test a man's character, give him power.
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a
strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here are some
ways to know if you're a true Alabamian...
1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Opelika,
Lafayette, Oneonta, and Eufaula.
2. You think people who complain about the heat in
their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in
the yard and look for a funnel.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is
not determined by the distance to the door, but by the
availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have
sacks and buggys.
6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an
accent.
8. You measure distance in minutes.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like
going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking
out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to
plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle
bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental,
ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.
15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy
Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.
16. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned
how to multiply.
18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to
send them to your friends.
Finally:
19. you are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this
conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr Pepper."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Coffee, No Cream"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
My Goober sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."
My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Motivation"
The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
Saturday, February 25, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 25th
Time To Go
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on
the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the
ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the
doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other
side."
- You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of
the milk carton.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your
mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an "open house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW... He's from TX, so he ought to know...
Press release
The Texas Parks and Wild Life Department issued a
statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no
law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the
week-end. The TPWD spokesman noted that in Texas,
lawyers are not considered game creatures and thus not
subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It
further noted that Lawyer hunting is encouraged as the
state is overrun with the pesky creatures.
A local food critic said that contrary to rumor,
lawyers do not taste like chicken but more like pole
cat since that is their nature.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were
alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?"
might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dog Owner's Prayer
O Lord don't let me once forget
how I love my trusty pet.
Help me learn to disregard
canine craters in my yard.
Show me how to be a buddy
even when my sofa's muddy.
Don't allow my pooch to munch
postal carriers for lunch.
Shield my neighbor's cat from view—
guide my steps around the doo.
Train me not to curse and scowl
when it's puppy's night to howl.
Grant I shan't awake in fear
with a cold nose in my ear.
Give me patience without end—
Help me be 'A Dog's Best Friend'!
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on
the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the
ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the
doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other
side."
- You run away, and your picture takes up all four sides of
the milk carton.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your
mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an "open house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW... He's from TX, so he ought to know...
Press release
The Texas Parks and Wild Life Department issued a
statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no
law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the
week-end. The TPWD spokesman noted that in Texas,
lawyers are not considered game creatures and thus not
subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It
further noted that Lawyer hunting is encouraged as the
state is overrun with the pesky creatures.
A local food critic said that contrary to rumor,
lawyers do not taste like chicken but more like pole
cat since that is their nature.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were
alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?"
might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dog Owner's Prayer
O Lord don't let me once forget
how I love my trusty pet.
Help me learn to disregard
canine craters in my yard.
Show me how to be a buddy
even when my sofa's muddy.
Don't allow my pooch to munch
postal carriers for lunch.
Shield my neighbor's cat from view—
guide my steps around the doo.
Train me not to curse and scowl
when it's puppy's night to howl.
Grant I shan't awake in fear
with a cold nose in my ear.
Give me patience without end—
Help me be 'A Dog's Best Friend'!
Friday, February 24, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 24th
The Hokey Pokey (Shakespearean Style)
*The Hokey Pokey*
Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around
That's what it's all about.
*The Hokey Pokey*
Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Now, get your tongue in your cheek
and laugh...
THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2005:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[???????]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a
lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost
his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his
hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said,
handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the
hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Minnesota babes Jokes (more)
GEOGRAPHY
Two blondes living in Minnesota were sitting on a bench
talking........and one Minnesota babe says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida.......?????
CAR TROUBLE
A Minnesota babe pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a Minnesota babe for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this Minnesota babe out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another Minnesota babe on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second Minnesota babe looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the Minnesota babe behind
the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the Minnesota babe yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Minnesota babe were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Minnesota babe said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
To which the Minnesota babe replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A Minnesota babe was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE Minnesota babe JOKE TO END ALL Minnesota babe JOKES!
A girl was visiting her friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The Minnesota babe responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOOO," answered the Minnesota babe. "They're watch dogs!"
*The Hokey Pokey*
Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around
That's what it's all about.
*The Hokey Pokey*
Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Now, get your tongue in your cheek
and laugh...
THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2005:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[???????]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a
lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost
his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his
hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said,
handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the
hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Minnesota babes Jokes (more)
GEOGRAPHY
Two blondes living in Minnesota were sitting on a bench
talking........and one Minnesota babe says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida.......?????
CAR TROUBLE
A Minnesota babe pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a Minnesota babe for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this Minnesota babe out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another Minnesota babe on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second Minnesota babe looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the Minnesota babe behind
the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the Minnesota babe yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Minnesota babe were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Minnesota babe said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
To which the Minnesota babe replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A Minnesota babe was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE Minnesota babe JOKE TO END ALL Minnesota babe JOKES!
A girl was visiting her friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The Minnesota babe responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOOO," answered the Minnesota babe. "They're watch dogs!"
Thursday, February 23, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 23rd
Name Spelling
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The
teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to
spell their name out loud.
When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he
replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee."
"How do you spell that?" asked the teacher.
"My mother helps me," said the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Salt Lake vs. Denver"
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake. It's $99.00, but there is a stopover."
"Where?"
"In Denver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"If you are good, you will be assigned all the work - if you are really good, you will get out of it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Marriage Match"
Did you hear about the manicurist and dentist who got married?
They fought tooth and nail.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do
that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's
been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total
admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff.
It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't
let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3
minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new
information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test,
you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face and
joy in my heart.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a
natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them,
"can carry pieces of food five times their own weight.
What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have
a union."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Oldie, but a Goodie...
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from
Noah's Ark
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built
the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may
ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the
job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails
were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the
Titanic by professionals.
Eleven : No matter the storm, when you are with God,
there's always a rainbow waiting...Pass this along and
make someone else smile, too
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another one with a great
point!
Isn't this amazing?
TAXES
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer Registration Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
COMMENTS:
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our
nation was the most prosperous in the world, had
absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle
class in the world and only one parent had to work to
support the family.
What happened?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Banter "
A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet.
He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge.
Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The
teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to
spell their name out loud.
When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he
replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee."
"How do you spell that?" asked the teacher.
"My mother helps me," said the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Salt Lake vs. Denver"
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake. It's $99.00, but there is a stopover."
"Where?"
"In Denver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"If you are good, you will be assigned all the work - if you are really good, you will get out of it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Marriage Match"
Did you hear about the manicurist and dentist who got married?
They fought tooth and nail.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do
that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's
been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total
admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff.
It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't
let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3
minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new
information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test,
you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face and
joy in my heart.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a
natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them,
"can carry pieces of food five times their own weight.
What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have
a union."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Oldie, but a Goodie...
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from
Noah's Ark
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built
the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may
ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the
job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails
were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the
Titanic by professionals.
Eleven : No matter the storm, when you are with God,
there's always a rainbow waiting...Pass this along and
make someone else smile, too
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another one with a great
point!
Isn't this amazing?
TAXES
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer Registration Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
COMMENTS:
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our
nation was the most prosperous in the world, had
absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle
class in the world and only one parent had to work to
support the family.
What happened?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Banter "
A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet.
He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge.
Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
hUMOR For Feab. 22nd
Hospital Regulations"
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
Thanks to list member Michael Smith who wrote to let me know that Saturday's quote was by Sidney Goff.
Michael also passed along another quote he thought would be good for the list. Here it is:
"Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Generosity "
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
Thanks to list member Michael Smith who wrote to let me know that Saturday's quote was by Sidney Goff.
Michael also passed along another quote he thought would be good for the list. Here it is:
"Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Generosity "
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 21st
"Three Important Words"
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
Here's a way to keep the Cybersalt Digest free . . .
We all search the web!
Search with Google AND support Pastor Tim and the Cybersalt sites!
Please use the following page for all your searching on the internet.
http://www.cybersalt.org/search
Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh - "Three Important Words"
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
Today's Oneliner
"Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Dentures "
I went to the dentist with my uncle the other day. He needed needed new dentures. The dentist showed him some that only cost a dollar.
The dentist did want my uncle to understand, though, that they were buck teeth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a
natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can
carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do
you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a
union."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Real Estimating!
[]
Programmer at this retail chain gets an assignment to add some
functionality to four reporting applications. One change request is
to add passwords to one of the four applications -- but just one.
"Just doing one sounded suspicious to me," says the programmer. "So I
decided to code the password logic in a separate module for easy
reuse. I only had to add one line of code to the existing executable."
Fast-forward six months: The new versions are installed in a handful
of stores for beta testing before they'll roll out to 1,000 stores
nationwide. Programmer's boss drops by his cubicle to tell him that
the users like the password function, but they wanted it on all four
applications. How long would it take to add it to the other three?
He calculates: add one line of code, compile, do some testing. That's
maybe a few hours' work if everything goes as planned -- which it seldom does.
"Two days," he tells his boss.
She's skeptical. "Are you sure?" she says. "Let's say one week."
Programmer shrugs. Boss continues: "Three applications, one week
each, I'll tell them three weeks."
He tries to explain that he estimated two days for all three
applications. She's still skeptical, but after he assures her that
with code reuse he really can finish in two days, boss compromises:
She'll tell them it'll be done in one week.
"I went to lunch, came back and updated all three in about an hour,"
says the programmer. "The module worked great. I walked over to my
boss's office to tell her the news. She asked if I was sure it
worked. I assured her it did.
"She had already sent the estimate to her manager and, to be safe,
she told him two weeks. She asked me not to send it to QA for another
week. We didn't want to look too good.
"I had a chuckle and started working on something else. A couple of
hours later, she forwarded me a note from her manager to the business
client. He had padded it another week. I now had three weeks to
finish my already completed changes.
"I worked on other things for a week, recompiled them so the date was
recent, and got a big attaboy for finishing so promptly."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Banter "
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
Here's a way to keep the Cybersalt Digest free . . .
We all search the web!
Search with Google AND support Pastor Tim and the Cybersalt sites!
Please use the following page for all your searching on the internet.
http://www.cybersalt.org/search
Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh - "Three Important Words"
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
Today's Oneliner
"Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Dentures "
I went to the dentist with my uncle the other day. He needed needed new dentures. The dentist showed him some that only cost a dollar.
The dentist did want my uncle to understand, though, that they were buck teeth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a
natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can
carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do
you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a
union."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Real Estimating!
[]
Programmer at this retail chain gets an assignment to add some
functionality to four reporting applications. One change request is
to add passwords to one of the four applications -- but just one.
"Just doing one sounded suspicious to me," says the programmer. "So I
decided to code the password logic in a separate module for easy
reuse. I only had to add one line of code to the existing executable."
Fast-forward six months: The new versions are installed in a handful
of stores for beta testing before they'll roll out to 1,000 stores
nationwide. Programmer's boss drops by his cubicle to tell him that
the users like the password function, but they wanted it on all four
applications. How long would it take to add it to the other three?
He calculates: add one line of code, compile, do some testing. That's
maybe a few hours' work if everything goes as planned -- which it seldom does.
"Two days," he tells his boss.
She's skeptical. "Are you sure?" she says. "Let's say one week."
Programmer shrugs. Boss continues: "Three applications, one week
each, I'll tell them three weeks."
He tries to explain that he estimated two days for all three
applications. She's still skeptical, but after he assures her that
with code reuse he really can finish in two days, boss compromises:
She'll tell them it'll be done in one week.
"I went to lunch, came back and updated all three in about an hour,"
says the programmer. "The module worked great. I walked over to my
boss's office to tell her the news. She asked if I was sure it
worked. I assured her it did.
"She had already sent the estimate to her manager and, to be safe,
she told him two weeks. She asked me not to send it to QA for another
week. We didn't want to look too good.
"I had a chuckle and started working on something else. A couple of
hours later, she forwarded me a note from her manager to the business
client. He had padded it another week. I now had three weeks to
finish my already completed changes.
"I worked on other things for a week, recompiled them so the date was
recent, and got a big attaboy for finishing so promptly."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clergy Banter "
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
Monday, February 20, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 20th
"Couple Descriptions"
Even mismatched couples may described kindly.
1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.
2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.
3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.
4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot air.
5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.
6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of problems.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If may have sent this before I can’t remember.
An Old Farmer's Advice :
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be more realistic instead.
Now A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there're bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.
"Did god make you?", she asked.
"yes" he answered.
"did god makeme, to?" she wondered.
"yes", he replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation.the bald guy says he cant afford it.so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares.(hairs)
Even mismatched couples may described kindly.
1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.
2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.
3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.
4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot air.
5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.
6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of problems.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If may have sent this before I can’t remember.
An Old Farmer's Advice :
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be more realistic instead.
Now A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there're bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.
"Did god make you?", she asked.
"yes" he answered.
"did god makeme, to?" she wondered.
"yes", he replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation.the bald guy says he cant afford it.so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares.(hairs)
Sunday, February 19, 2006
FhUMOR For Feb. 19th
"Chewed Out"
My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"
"Not a bit," I replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miracle Cure?
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of
arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady,
almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,
amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her
head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this
rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You
walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
"Gave me a longer cane."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Appearances "
On Houston Street, a young priest saw a large sign over a hardware store: PINCUS AND O'TOOLE, and went in, to be greeted by man with a beard and yarmulkah.
The priest smiled, "I just wanted to come in and tell you how wonderful it is to see that your people and mine have become such good friends - even partners. That's a surprise!"
"I've got a bigger surprise", sighed the old man. "I'm O'Toole."
My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"
"Not a bit," I replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miracle Cure?
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of
arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady,
almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,
amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her
head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this
rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You
walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
"Gave me a longer cane."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Appearances "
On Houston Street, a young priest saw a large sign over a hardware store: PINCUS AND O'TOOLE, and went in, to be greeted by man with a beard and yarmulkah.
The priest smiled, "I just wanted to come in and tell you how wonderful it is to see that your people and mine have become such good friends - even partners. That's a surprise!"
"I've got a bigger surprise", sighed the old man. "I'm O'Toole."
Saturday, February 18, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 18
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Some Great Malapropisms..."
"I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder."
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...."
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
"If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave."
"You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Putting"
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," he replied.
"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Danny was in the digging spot filling in a hole when his Thelma Hoch came over and watch for a moment. Interested in what the cheeky-faced boy was doing, she politely asked, "What are you doing there, Danny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Danny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The Mrs. Hoch was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Lucy patted down the last shovel-full of dirt and replied, "I needed a big hole because my fish is inside your cat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother,
but Bert felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring
chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in
the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you
know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring
ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you
want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up
and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Old Farmer's Advice :
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
"Some Great Malapropisms..."
"I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder."
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...."
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
"If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave."
"You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Putting"
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," he replied.
"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Danny was in the digging spot filling in a hole when his Thelma Hoch came over and watch for a moment. Interested in what the cheeky-faced boy was doing, she politely asked, "What are you doing there, Danny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Danny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The Mrs. Hoch was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Lucy patted down the last shovel-full of dirt and replied, "I needed a big hole because my fish is inside your cat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother,
but Bert felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring
chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in
the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you
know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring
ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you
want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up
and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Old Farmer's Advice :
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Friday, February 17, 2006
hUMOR For Feb 17th
Big White Circles
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white
circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look
like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in
line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a
toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Message Break"
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The best time to make friends is before you need them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dying"
The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one
requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at
6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant
yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four
miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge,
"we should reach the starting point any minute now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buy Me a Mink?
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on
one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white
circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look
like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in
line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a
toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Message Break"
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The best time to make friends is before you need them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dying"
The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one
requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at
6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant
yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four
miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge,
"we should reach the starting point any minute now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buy Me a Mink?
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on
one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
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