!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these
gift suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year. $25
2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)
>From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order. $14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we
sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product
will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square ft.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the building committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or walleye, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official religious holiday.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what men get when they lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized watering tank.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy's Ufdah Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a Ford F150.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he went up the vent, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but some hooks and some
wire.
And the one speck of food that he left in the RV,
Was a crumb that was too small for even little John
Andretti.
Then he did the same thing to the other Fans RV’s
Leaving crumbs much too small for ANY John Andretti.
And last thing he did was climb the flag stand.
And took ALL the flags, red ,yellow, black, checkered
and green!
It was a quarter past dawn, all the Fans were still
a-dreamin’
The Fans still a-snorin’, when he packed up his old
Grand Prix.
Packed it up with all that Fan stuff. The Mark
Martin hats!
The Stewart t-shirts!
The die-cast cars!
The Dale Jarrett socks!
And finally the flags, red, yellow, black checkered
and green.
Up the side of Mount Rockingham, the old Wrench he did
climb.
His trunk piled high from his overnight snide.
He went to the top, and peered over the far edge,
And got ready to dump the bags over the ledge.
"Pooh-pooh to the Fans!" He was Wrenchly humming,
"They’re finding out that no racing is coming!"
"They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!"
"There mouth’s will hang open a minute or two!"
"Then all the Fans down in Fan-ville will cry
BOO-HOO!"
"That’s a noise" grinned the Wrench, "That I simply
MUST hear!".
So he paused. And the Wrench put a tiny hand to his
ear.
And he heard a sound rising from the track way down
there.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad.
No BOO-HOO!
And he looked very hard at the track down below.
And saw them pushing RACE cars onto pit row!
The Wrench popped his eyes. Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the tall and the small,
Was cheering! Why, they’d race after ALL!
He HADN’T stopped the race from coming. IT CAME!
Somehow or the other, they’d race just the same!
And the Wrench, with his wrenchy feet ice-cold in the
snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
How could they still cheer?"
"They’ll race without hats! Without flags, without
root beer!"
"And yet, somehow, they’ll still put on a show.
Race ‘round the track, off they’ll go"
And he puzzled awhile, and puzzled and puzzled' till
his puzzler hurt so.
Then the Wrench thought of something he hadn’t before!
"Maybe racing, means a lot more, than hats, or
T-shirts or stuff from a store," he thought.
"Maybe the drivers going around head to head, racing
each other counting the laps that each have lead."
The Wrench screwed his mouth and looked up in the
air,"
Maybe at the end of 500 miles or more,
after racing each other close, door to door,
one-hundred ninety miles an hour, sometimes a little
more."
The Wrench rubbed his pointy, wrenchy chin.
"Hmm...A TRUE test of a man is how far and fast he
will go."
And what happened then? Well...in Fan-ville they say
That the Wrenches small hands grew three sizes that
day!
And the minute his steering didn’t feel so tight.
He whizzed, raced really, with his load through the
bright morning light.
And he brought back all the Fans’ things!
And he brought back the flags, red, yellow, black,
checkered and green.
And he...HE HIMSELF...! The Wrench dropped the green
flag from the flag stand that day,
But not before all the Fans heard him say:
"Gentleman start your engines! Let the racing get
underway!"
The End
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From a friend: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas (as if
written by a technical writer for a firm that does US
government contracting)
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and
throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent
known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning
caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an
eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in
their respective accommodations of repose, were
experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of
variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I,
attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to
take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my
place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the
precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the
barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon
that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was
on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation,
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the
genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated
caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at
what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity
than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly,
expelled breath musically through contracted labia,
and addressed each of the octet by his or her
respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et
al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of
our abode, through which structure I could readily
distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32
cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location,
and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our
distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity
and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled
by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous
fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His
resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to
the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore
dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity,
while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every
evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of
his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged
with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral
emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet
cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled
nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small,
tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking
piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse
about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than
it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his
corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of
whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every
effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering
and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on
my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced
filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with
various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise
extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally
transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this
task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector
onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among
the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary
constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."
Versions of this article have been floating around the
Net for years. According to one visitor to this page,
"...this piece was compiled by students at the South
Dakota School of Mines and Technology in Rapid City,
South Dakota. The article was printed in the Rapid
City paper in December, 1983. I cannot recall the name
of the paper, but I still have my clipping of it from
that year so I do know from whence and where it
originated."
And Catherine writes, "As a graduate of South Dakota
School of Mines (SDSM&T) in 1978, I can tell you that
I found it in about 1974 at the University of South
Dakota (USD). I posted it on my dorm door at USD and
at SDSM&T. I recall I may have even read it when
working as a d-jay on KTEQ (the school's station).
Interesting that it ended up in the newspaper in Rapid
City. Who knows, it could have originally come out of
Mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: The Outhouse
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated
it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the
winter, and stunk all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined
that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so
the little boy decided today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and
started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking,
the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "someone
pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get
into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's
father wasn't
in that cherry tree."
NOTE: my brother’s brain has always been stuck between floors.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Don't You Have?"
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
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Follow the instructions at the very end of this e-mail.
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Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh. - "What Don't You Have?"
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
Today's CleanQuote
"You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Born Again"
An irate subscriber stormed into a newspaper office waving the current edition, asking to see "whoever wrote the obituary column".
When referred to a young reporter, he stormed, "You can see I'm very much alive, and you've put me in the obituary column! I demand a retraction!"
Replied the reporter, "I never retract a story. But I tell you what I'll do. I'll put you in the birth column and give you a fresh start."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a
lot this year. (This happens when you combine a headstrong
two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young
adolescent.) Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of
her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the
two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it
when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the
mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's
eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really
Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put
Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom
described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was
acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her,
she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would
be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with
their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things
to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of
Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was
done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at
being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly
stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister
this year."
Received from Chris B.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Patient Request
The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver
transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a
cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas
trans. . ."
"What makes you think you need all these?"
Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted
to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti: A Widow's Poem
Twas the night before Christmas
and it's quiet in the house,
no Husband ,no Children,quiet as a mouse,
memories flooding thru my head,
can't stay up and can't go to bed,
a tree of silver it was,all twinkleing with blue,
neath was Dolls,games and Trucks for the Girls and the
boys,
Now they are grown with kids of their own,
I Pray they treasure each moment for when they grow
old,
This season makes me want to cry,
for i look back with heartache and pride,
I Pray God watches over you ,
as time marches on,and you won't look back forlorn.
I Pray your forgives any wrong I done,
I should have done better,and had a real Home.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti: A Widow's Poem
Twas the night before Christmas
and it's quiet in the house,
no Husband ,no Children,quiet as a mouse,
memories flooding thru my head,
can't stay up and can't go to bed,
a tree of silver it was,all twinkleing with blue,
neath was Dolls,games and Trucks for the Girls and the
boys,
Now they are grown with kids of their own,
I Pray they treasure each moment for when they grow
old,
This season makes me want to cry,
for i look back with heartache and pride,
I Pray God watches over you ,
as time marches on,and you won't look back forlorn.
I Pray your forgives any wrong I done,
I should have done better,and had a real Home.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 20th
If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these
gift suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year. $25
2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)
>From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order. $14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we
sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product
will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square ft.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the building committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or walleye, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official religious holiday.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what men get when they lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized watering tank.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy's Ufdah Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a Ford F150.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he went up the vent, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but some hooks and some
wire.
And the one speck of food that he left in the RV,
Was a crumb that was too small for even little John
Andretti.
Then he did the same thing to the other Fans RV’s
Leaving crumbs much too small for ANY John Andretti.
And last thing he did was climb the flag stand.
And took ALL the flags, red ,yellow, black, checkered
and green!
It was a quarter past dawn, all the Fans were still
a-dreamin’
The Fans still a-snorin’, when he packed up his old
Grand Prix.
Packed it up with all that Fan stuff. The Mark
Martin hats!
The Stewart t-shirts!
The die-cast cars!
The Dale Jarrett socks!
And finally the flags, red, yellow, black checkered
and green.
Up the side of Mount Rockingham, the old Wrench he did
climb.
His trunk piled high from his overnight snide.
He went to the top, and peered over the far edge,
And got ready to dump the bags over the ledge.
"Pooh-pooh to the Fans!" He was Wrenchly humming,
"They’re finding out that no racing is coming!"
"They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!"
"There mouth’s will hang open a minute or two!"
"Then all the Fans down in Fan-ville will cry
BOO-HOO!"
"That’s a noise" grinned the Wrench, "That I simply
MUST hear!".
So he paused. And the Wrench put a tiny hand to his
ear.
And he heard a sound rising from the track way down
there.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad.
No BOO-HOO!
And he looked very hard at the track down below.
And saw them pushing RACE cars onto pit row!
The Wrench popped his eyes. Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the tall and the small,
Was cheering! Why, they’d race after ALL!
He HADN’T stopped the race from coming. IT CAME!
Somehow or the other, they’d race just the same!
And the Wrench, with his wrenchy feet ice-cold in the
snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
How could they still cheer?"
"They’ll race without hats! Without flags, without
root beer!"
"And yet, somehow, they’ll still put on a show.
Race ‘round the track, off they’ll go"
And he puzzled awhile, and puzzled and puzzled' till
his puzzler hurt so.
Then the Wrench thought of something he hadn’t before!
"Maybe racing, means a lot more, than hats, or
T-shirts or stuff from a store," he thought.
"Maybe the drivers going around head to head, racing
each other counting the laps that each have lead."
The Wrench screwed his mouth and looked up in the
air,"
Maybe at the end of 500 miles or more,
after racing each other close, door to door,
one-hundred ninety miles an hour, sometimes a little
more."
The Wrench rubbed his pointy, wrenchy chin.
"Hmm...A TRUE test of a man is how far and fast he
will go."
And what happened then? Well...in Fan-ville they say
That the Wrenches small hands grew three sizes that
day!
And the minute his steering didn’t feel so tight.
He whizzed, raced really, with his load through the
bright morning light.
And he brought back all the Fans’ things!
And he brought back the flags, red, yellow, black,
checkered and green.
And he...HE HIMSELF...! The Wrench dropped the green
flag from the flag stand that day,
But not before all the Fans heard him say:
"Gentleman start your engines! Let the racing get
underway!"
The End
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From a friend: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas (as if
written by a technical writer for a firm that does US
government contracting)
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and
throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent
known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning
caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an
eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in
their respective accommodations of repose, were
experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of
variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I,
attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to
take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my
place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the
precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the
barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon
that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was
on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation,
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the
genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated
caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at
what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity
than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly,
expelled breath musically through contracted labia,
and addressed each of the octet by his or her
respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et
al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of
our abode, through which structure I could readily
distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32
cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location,
and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our
distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity
and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled
by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous
fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His
resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to
the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore
dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity,
while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every
evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of
his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged
with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral
emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet
cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled
nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small,
tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking
piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse
about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than
it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his
corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of
whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every
effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering
and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on
my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced
filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with
various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise
extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally
transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this
task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector
onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among
the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary
constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."
Versions of this article have been floating around the
Net for years. According to one visitor to this page,
"...this piece was compiled by students at the South
Dakota School of Mines and Technology in Rapid City,
South Dakota. The article was printed in the Rapid
City paper in December, 1983. I cannot recall the name
of the paper, but I still have my clipping of it from
that year so I do know from whence and where it
originated."
And Catherine writes, "As a graduate of South Dakota
School of Mines (SDSM&T) in 1978, I can tell you that
I found it in about 1974 at the University of South
Dakota (USD). I posted it on my dorm door at USD and
at SDSM&T. I recall I may have even read it when
working as a d-jay on KTEQ (the school's station).
Interesting that it ended up in the newspaper in Rapid
City. Who knows, it could have originally come out of
Mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: The Outhouse
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated
it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the
winter, and stunk all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined
that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so
the little boy decided today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and
started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking,
the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "someone
pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get
into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's
father wasn't
in that cherry tree."
gift suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year. $25
2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)
>From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order. $14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we
sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product
will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square ft.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the building committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or walleye, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official religious holiday.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what men get when they lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized watering tank.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy's Ufdah Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a Ford F150.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he went up the vent, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but some hooks and some
wire.
And the one speck of food that he left in the RV,
Was a crumb that was too small for even little John
Andretti.
Then he did the same thing to the other Fans RV’s
Leaving crumbs much too small for ANY John Andretti.
And last thing he did was climb the flag stand.
And took ALL the flags, red ,yellow, black, checkered
and green!
It was a quarter past dawn, all the Fans were still
a-dreamin’
The Fans still a-snorin’, when he packed up his old
Grand Prix.
Packed it up with all that Fan stuff. The Mark
Martin hats!
The Stewart t-shirts!
The die-cast cars!
The Dale Jarrett socks!
And finally the flags, red, yellow, black checkered
and green.
Up the side of Mount Rockingham, the old Wrench he did
climb.
His trunk piled high from his overnight snide.
He went to the top, and peered over the far edge,
And got ready to dump the bags over the ledge.
"Pooh-pooh to the Fans!" He was Wrenchly humming,
"They’re finding out that no racing is coming!"
"They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!"
"There mouth’s will hang open a minute or two!"
"Then all the Fans down in Fan-ville will cry
BOO-HOO!"
"That’s a noise" grinned the Wrench, "That I simply
MUST hear!".
So he paused. And the Wrench put a tiny hand to his
ear.
And he heard a sound rising from the track way down
there.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad.
No BOO-HOO!
And he looked very hard at the track down below.
And saw them pushing RACE cars onto pit row!
The Wrench popped his eyes. Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the tall and the small,
Was cheering! Why, they’d race after ALL!
He HADN’T stopped the race from coming. IT CAME!
Somehow or the other, they’d race just the same!
And the Wrench, with his wrenchy feet ice-cold in the
snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
How could they still cheer?"
"They’ll race without hats! Without flags, without
root beer!"
"And yet, somehow, they’ll still put on a show.
Race ‘round the track, off they’ll go"
And he puzzled awhile, and puzzled and puzzled' till
his puzzler hurt so.
Then the Wrench thought of something he hadn’t before!
"Maybe racing, means a lot more, than hats, or
T-shirts or stuff from a store," he thought.
"Maybe the drivers going around head to head, racing
each other counting the laps that each have lead."
The Wrench screwed his mouth and looked up in the
air,"
Maybe at the end of 500 miles or more,
after racing each other close, door to door,
one-hundred ninety miles an hour, sometimes a little
more."
The Wrench rubbed his pointy, wrenchy chin.
"Hmm...A TRUE test of a man is how far and fast he
will go."
And what happened then? Well...in Fan-ville they say
That the Wrenches small hands grew three sizes that
day!
And the minute his steering didn’t feel so tight.
He whizzed, raced really, with his load through the
bright morning light.
And he brought back all the Fans’ things!
And he brought back the flags, red, yellow, black,
checkered and green.
And he...HE HIMSELF...! The Wrench dropped the green
flag from the flag stand that day,
But not before all the Fans heard him say:
"Gentleman start your engines! Let the racing get
underway!"
The End
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From a friend: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas (as if
written by a technical writer for a firm that does US
government contracting)
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and
throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent
known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning
caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an
eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in
their respective accommodations of repose, were
experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of
variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I,
attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to
take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my
place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the
precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the
barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon
that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was
on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation,
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the
genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated
caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at
what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity
than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly,
expelled breath musically through contracted labia,
and addressed each of the octet by his or her
respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et
al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of
our abode, through which structure I could readily
distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32
cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location,
and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our
distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity
and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled
by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous
fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His
resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to
the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore
dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity,
while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every
evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of
his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged
with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral
emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet
cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled
nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small,
tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking
piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse
about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than
it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his
corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of
whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every
effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering
and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on
my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced
filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with
various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise
extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally
transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this
task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector
onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among
the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary
constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."
Versions of this article have been floating around the
Net for years. According to one visitor to this page,
"...this piece was compiled by students at the South
Dakota School of Mines and Technology in Rapid City,
South Dakota. The article was printed in the Rapid
City paper in December, 1983. I cannot recall the name
of the paper, but I still have my clipping of it from
that year so I do know from whence and where it
originated."
And Catherine writes, "As a graduate of South Dakota
School of Mines (SDSM&T) in 1978, I can tell you that
I found it in about 1974 at the University of South
Dakota (USD). I posted it on my dorm door at USD and
at SDSM&T. I recall I may have even read it when
working as a d-jay on KTEQ (the school's station).
Interesting that it ended up in the newspaper in Rapid
City. Who knows, it could have originally come out of
Mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: The Outhouse
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated
it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the
winter, and stunk all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined
that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so
the little boy decided today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and
started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking,
the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "someone
pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get
into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's
father wasn't
in that cherry tree."
Monday, December 19, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 19th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Natural Antibiotic "
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.
I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Empathy"
A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little girl started to cry.
The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."
Snubbing back sobs and tears the girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get anything to eat."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Signs that the Starship Enterprise is Nearing the End of It's Warranty"
- Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
- Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
- Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
- Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.
- Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
- Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
- Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
- Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
- Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
- Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
- Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
- Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
- Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"THE WRENCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS" will continue in a
day or two, Lord willing.
Some of these daily posts are pretty big of late, but
just skip over what you don't want to read and all
will be well.
Here is a great piece I meant to get out a few days
ago, as the author graciously offered me an exclusive
and messed around and failed to take advantage of it
in time.
All the same, thanks BC:
YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A……….JESUS!
In my youth I remember always hearing the phrase
“Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus” In the
ignorance of youth I associated it with someone trying
to prove to the state I love so dear that there was in
fact a Kris Kringle. In later years I learned that
Virginia was actually Virginia O’Hanlon, who had
written a letter to the editor asking if Jolly Old St.
Nicholas was real.[1] Through the years, The Jolly
Old Elf, Santa, has been able to remain a constant of
the Christmas Season. Jesus, however, has been all but
barred from the holiday. Merry Christmas has been
replaced with “Season’s Greetings.” Christmas trees
are now, in many places, “Holiday Trees.” Nativity
scenes can no longer be placed on public grounds,
while images of Santa and the reindeer are allowed to
fly through the city.
If Virginia O’Hanlon were to write her letter today it
might go something like this:
Yes, Virginia, There is a Jesus
Dear Editor—
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there
is no JESUS. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun,
it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Jesus?
Virginia O’Hanlon
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have
been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age.
They do not believe except they see: “blessed are they
that have not seen, and yet have believed (John
20:29).” They think that nothing can be which is not
comprehensible by their little minds “For now we see
through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I
know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am
known (1 Corinthians 13:12). All minds, Virginia,
whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In
this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an
ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless
world about him, as measured by the intelligence
capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Jesus. He exists as
certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist,
and you know that they abound and give to your life
its highest beauty and joy: “God is love” (1 John
4:16). Alas! how dreary would be the world if there
were no Jesus: “In him was life; and the life was the
light of men!” (John 1:4). It would be as dreary as if
there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike
faith then (Except ye be converted, and become as
little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom
of heaven, Matthew 18:3), no poetry, no romance to
make tolerable this existence. We should have no
enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external
light with which childhood fills the world would be
extinguished.
Not believe in Jesus! You might as well not believe in
Santa. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in
all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa
Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming
down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Jesus, but
that is no sign that there is no Jesus. The most real
things in the world are those that neither children
nor men can see. Nobody can conceive or imagine all
the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the
world.
You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes
the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the
unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the
united strength of all the strongest men that ever
lived could tear apart. Only faith, can push aside
that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty
and glory beyond: “By a new and living way, which he
hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to
say, his flesh” (Hebrews 10:20). Is it all real? Ah,
Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real
and abiding
No Jesus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A
thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000
years from now, he will continue to make glad the
heart of childhood.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(2001)
'Twas The Night Before Christmas,
He Lived All Alone,
In A One Bedroom House Made Of
Plaster And Stone.
I Had Come Down The Chimney
With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who
In This Home Did Live.
I Looked All About,
A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents,
Not Even A Tree.
No Stocking By Mantle,
Just Boots Filled With Sand,
And On The Wall Pictures
Of Far Distant Lands.
With Medals And Badges,
Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sobering Thought
Came To My Mind.
For This House Was Different,
So Dark And So Dreary,
The Home Of A Soldier,
Now I Could See Clearly.
The Soldier Lay Sleeping,
Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor
In This One Bedroom Home.
The Face Was So Gentle,
The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured
A United States Soldier.
Was This The Hero
Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho,
The Floor For A Bed?
I Realized The Families
That I Saw This Night,
Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers
Who Were Willing To Fight.
Soon Round The World,
The Children Would Play,
And Grownups Would Celebrate
A Bright Christmas Day.
They All Enjoyed Freedom
Each Month Of The Year,
Because Of The Soldiers,
Like The One Lying Here.
I Couldn't Help Wonder
How Many Lay Alone,
On A Cold Christmas Eve
In A Land Far From Home.
The Very Thought
Brought A Tear To My Eye,
I Dropped To My Knees
And Started To Cry.
The Soldier Awakened
And I Heard A Rough Voice,
"Santa Don't Cry,
This Life Is My Choice;
I Fight For Freedom,
I Don't Ask For More,
My Life Is My God,
My Country, My Corps."
The Soldier Rolled Over
And Soon Drifted To Sleep,
I Couldn't Control It,
I Continued To Weep.
I Kept Watch For Hours,
So Silent And Still,
And We Both Shivered
>From The Cold Evening's Chill.
I Didn't Want To Leave
On That Cold, Dark, Night,
This Guardian Of Honor
So Willing To Fight.
Then The Soldier Rolled Over,
With A Voice Soft And Pure,
Whispered, "Carry On Santa,
It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure."
One Look At My Watch,
And I Knew He Was Right.
"Merry Christmas My Friend,
And To All A Good Night."
(Author Unknown)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- ANSWERS FROM YESTERDAY
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand
controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60's
to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a
steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and
expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing
a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored
water.
8 a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you
wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools
were closed, movies and other public gathering places
were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head
with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was
another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a
high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be
traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good
today..
SCORING
17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously
gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only
find your glasses. Definitely someone who should
share your wisdom!
12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting
there.
0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the
wisdom of your experiences.
Send this to your friends with your score in the
subject line.
Natural Antibiotic "
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.
I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Empathy"
A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little girl started to cry.
The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."
Snubbing back sobs and tears the girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get anything to eat."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Signs that the Starship Enterprise is Nearing the End of It's Warranty"
- Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
- Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
- Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
- Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.
- Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
- Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
- Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
- Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
- Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
- Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
- Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
- Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
- Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"THE WRENCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS" will continue in a
day or two, Lord willing.
Some of these daily posts are pretty big of late, but
just skip over what you don't want to read and all
will be well.
Here is a great piece I meant to get out a few days
ago, as the author graciously offered me an exclusive
and messed around and failed to take advantage of it
in time.
All the same, thanks BC:
YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A……….JESUS!
In my youth I remember always hearing the phrase
“Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus” In the
ignorance of youth I associated it with someone trying
to prove to the state I love so dear that there was in
fact a Kris Kringle. In later years I learned that
Virginia was actually Virginia O’Hanlon, who had
written a letter to the editor asking if Jolly Old St.
Nicholas was real.[1] Through the years, The Jolly
Old Elf, Santa, has been able to remain a constant of
the Christmas Season. Jesus, however, has been all but
barred from the holiday. Merry Christmas has been
replaced with “Season’s Greetings.” Christmas trees
are now, in many places, “Holiday Trees.” Nativity
scenes can no longer be placed on public grounds,
while images of Santa and the reindeer are allowed to
fly through the city.
If Virginia O’Hanlon were to write her letter today it
might go something like this:
Yes, Virginia, There is a Jesus
Dear Editor—
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there
is no JESUS. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun,
it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Jesus?
Virginia O’Hanlon
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have
been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age.
They do not believe except they see: “blessed are they
that have not seen, and yet have believed (John
20:29).” They think that nothing can be which is not
comprehensible by their little minds “For now we see
through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I
know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am
known (1 Corinthians 13:12). All minds, Virginia,
whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In
this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an
ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless
world about him, as measured by the intelligence
capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Jesus. He exists as
certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist,
and you know that they abound and give to your life
its highest beauty and joy: “God is love” (1 John
4:16). Alas! how dreary would be the world if there
were no Jesus: “In him was life; and the life was the
light of men!” (John 1:4). It would be as dreary as if
there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike
faith then (Except ye be converted, and become as
little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom
of heaven, Matthew 18:3), no poetry, no romance to
make tolerable this existence. We should have no
enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external
light with which childhood fills the world would be
extinguished.
Not believe in Jesus! You might as well not believe in
Santa. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in
all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa
Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming
down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Jesus, but
that is no sign that there is no Jesus. The most real
things in the world are those that neither children
nor men can see. Nobody can conceive or imagine all
the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the
world.
You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes
the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the
unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the
united strength of all the strongest men that ever
lived could tear apart. Only faith, can push aside
that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty
and glory beyond: “By a new and living way, which he
hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to
say, his flesh” (Hebrews 10:20). Is it all real? Ah,
Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real
and abiding
No Jesus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A
thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000
years from now, he will continue to make glad the
heart of childhood.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(2001)
'Twas The Night Before Christmas,
He Lived All Alone,
In A One Bedroom House Made Of
Plaster And Stone.
I Had Come Down The Chimney
With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who
In This Home Did Live.
I Looked All About,
A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents,
Not Even A Tree.
No Stocking By Mantle,
Just Boots Filled With Sand,
And On The Wall Pictures
Of Far Distant Lands.
With Medals And Badges,
Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sobering Thought
Came To My Mind.
For This House Was Different,
So Dark And So Dreary,
The Home Of A Soldier,
Now I Could See Clearly.
The Soldier Lay Sleeping,
Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor
In This One Bedroom Home.
The Face Was So Gentle,
The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured
A United States Soldier.
Was This The Hero
Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho,
The Floor For A Bed?
I Realized The Families
That I Saw This Night,
Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers
Who Were Willing To Fight.
Soon Round The World,
The Children Would Play,
And Grownups Would Celebrate
A Bright Christmas Day.
They All Enjoyed Freedom
Each Month Of The Year,
Because Of The Soldiers,
Like The One Lying Here.
I Couldn't Help Wonder
How Many Lay Alone,
On A Cold Christmas Eve
In A Land Far From Home.
The Very Thought
Brought A Tear To My Eye,
I Dropped To My Knees
And Started To Cry.
The Soldier Awakened
And I Heard A Rough Voice,
"Santa Don't Cry,
This Life Is My Choice;
I Fight For Freedom,
I Don't Ask For More,
My Life Is My God,
My Country, My Corps."
The Soldier Rolled Over
And Soon Drifted To Sleep,
I Couldn't Control It,
I Continued To Weep.
I Kept Watch For Hours,
So Silent And Still,
And We Both Shivered
>From The Cold Evening's Chill.
I Didn't Want To Leave
On That Cold, Dark, Night,
This Guardian Of Honor
So Willing To Fight.
Then The Soldier Rolled Over,
With A Voice Soft And Pure,
Whispered, "Carry On Santa,
It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure."
One Look At My Watch,
And I Knew He Was Right.
"Merry Christmas My Friend,
And To All A Good Night."
(Author Unknown)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- ANSWERS FROM YESTERDAY
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand
controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60's
to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a
steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and
expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing
a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored
water.
8 a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you
wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools
were closed, movies and other public gathering places
were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head
with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was
another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a
high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be
traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good
today..
SCORING
17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously
gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only
find your glasses. Definitely someone who should
share your wisdom!
12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting
there.
0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the
wisdom of your experiences.
Send this to your friends with your score in the
subject line.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 18th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Politically Correct Rudolph
Original text is followed by the "politically correct" translation.
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolf was a four-hooved ungulate,
Original: Had a very shiny nose ...
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage
of a maroon lustre.
Original: And if you ever saw him ...
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present
themselves that he ever came into your view,
Original: You would even say it glows ...
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its
illuminary qualities.
Original: All of the other reindeer ...
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population
in his ecological community,
Original: Used to laugh and call him names ...
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms --
the objective of which was to lower
his self-esteen and make him miserable.
Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure
activities consistent with their species.
Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ...
Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an
unspecified year,
Original: Santa came to say ...
Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to
western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas
attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children)
arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.
Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...
Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary
nasal characteristic,
Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle
with the express purpose that he navigate through
the nocturnal mist.
Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ...
Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members
of the population in his ecological community
who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed
their disposition toward Rudolph to a more
congenial, amicable relationship.
Original: And they shouted out with glee ...
Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great
exaltation and fervor,
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon
nasal appendage,
Original: You'll go down in history!
Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the
annals of time and your memory will be preserved
for posterity!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Continued from a few days ago...
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most
unpleasant
And he took every Fan thing in the room that was
present!
Mark Martin hats! T-shirts for Stewart! Dale Jarrett
socks!
Belt buckles for Dale junior!
Mugs from Labonte, both Terry and Bobby!
Die-cast cars collected as a hobby!
And he stuffed them in the bags.
Then the Wrench, very aloof, stuffed all the bags
One by one up to the roof.
Then he slunk to the icebox and as dirty as dirt.
He took all their food and shoved it down his shirt!
He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a deer.
Why that Wrench even took their last can of root beer!
(edited, ts)
Then he stuffed the whole load up onto the roof,
Where it landed on Max, who let out a ‘ooch’!
"And NOW!" grinned the Wrench," I‘ll head to the next,
There’s much, too much work that’s yet to be done!"
But as he turned to the vent and started to jump up
with a lerp.
He heard a sound behind him, a quite large burp.
He turned around fast, and saw a large Fan!
A big old redneck, who went by the name of Dan.
The Wrench had been caught by this big redneck who
stood near
Who’d gotten out of bed to relieve himself of root
beer. (edited, ts)
He stared at the Wrench, looking quite tipsy, and
said," Junior...Junior? What are YOU doin’ here?"
Now you know, that old Wrench was so smart and so
slick.
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
"Hey dude, sorry thought this was my hauler."
And this fib fooled the man.
The Wrench reached in his shirt and pulled out a root
beer.(edited, ts)
Then gave it to the man and whispered in his ear,
"Here, take this, thanks for your support".
Then he patted the man on the on his big redneck belly
and sent him to bed.
And when the redneck went to bed with his root beer
(edited, ts),
He went to the vent and gave a silent cheer.
To be continued…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Boots
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new
boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car
one morning and finally had gotten her boots.
"Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where
did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause
said, "Both of them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- History Exam...
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at
this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a
handicap.
This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing
how much they really remember about what went on in
their life. Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to
20.
Write the letter of each answer and score at the end.
Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put
your score in the subject line!
1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight
dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had
holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern
winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and
milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the
cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game
of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!
5. What method did women use to look as if they were
wearing stockings when none were available due to
rationing during W.W.II
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its
ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or
going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
inside
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller
skates attached to your shoes?
a With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to
reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b What you did when your Mom called you in to do
chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with
your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the
Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajawea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students d o when
mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was
believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs
out the windo w
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid
their failure
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green
Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs,
which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for
various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on
tattoos
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made
the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Benn ett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
Answers tomorrow...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE
PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens
Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars
and Busses and Trucks and treesand Fire Hydrants
and...
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of
Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my wife -- who received this from a friend:
Teacher's Night Before Christmas (Marytha Pitt)
'Twas the night before Christmas
And in a teacher's home
Not a muscle was stirring
Not even a bone!
For my poor dear teacher
Was all tuckered out
>From the hustle and bustle
Before school let out.
No time to bake cookies
No time to bake cakes,
And thoughts of tomorrow
Just gave her the shakes.
She heaved a great sigh
And just flopped into bed
While nightmares of students
Raced through her head.
Down Janet! Down Terry!
Come Karen and Susan
(With all the excitement
Their attention I'm losin')
To the top of the class
To the head of them all!
Now read away! Write away!
Find a way all!
"As dry leaves that before
The wild hurricane fly,"
They finished their classwork,
(Sure, they did... my eye!)
And more visions she had
Of appointments with mothers
Who wondered if Johnny
Was as smart as the others.
But all of these worries
We hope you'll forget.
Remember we love you
There's good in us yet.
So take heart, dear teacher,
The end is in sight.
Happy Christmas tomorrow,
But for now... just Good Night!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: A Commercial X-mas
If DEC ran Christmas ..
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which
is put in your attic on the weekend after
Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after
the January bowl games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely
larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to
celebrate the season with a device attached
conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely
hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter
ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about
seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and
handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million, but would
be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the
year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on
your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal
driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on
shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know
anything about them or what they were for. Or you
could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you
purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free
set of Ginsu knives.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: 10 Things Men Understand
About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Politically Correct Rudolph
Original text is followed by the "politically correct" translation.
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolf was a four-hooved ungulate,
Original: Had a very shiny nose ...
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage
of a maroon lustre.
Original: And if you ever saw him ...
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present
themselves that he ever came into your view,
Original: You would even say it glows ...
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its
illuminary qualities.
Original: All of the other reindeer ...
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population
in his ecological community,
Original: Used to laugh and call him names ...
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms --
the objective of which was to lower
his self-esteen and make him miserable.
Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure
activities consistent with their species.
Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ...
Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an
unspecified year,
Original: Santa came to say ...
Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to
western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas
attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children)
arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.
Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...
Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary
nasal characteristic,
Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle
with the express purpose that he navigate through
the nocturnal mist.
Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ...
Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members
of the population in his ecological community
who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed
their disposition toward Rudolph to a more
congenial, amicable relationship.
Original: And they shouted out with glee ...
Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great
exaltation and fervor,
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon
nasal appendage,
Original: You'll go down in history!
Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the
annals of time and your memory will be preserved
for posterity!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Continued from a few days ago...
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most
unpleasant
And he took every Fan thing in the room that was
present!
Mark Martin hats! T-shirts for Stewart! Dale Jarrett
socks!
Belt buckles for Dale junior!
Mugs from Labonte, both Terry and Bobby!
Die-cast cars collected as a hobby!
And he stuffed them in the bags.
Then the Wrench, very aloof, stuffed all the bags
One by one up to the roof.
Then he slunk to the icebox and as dirty as dirt.
He took all their food and shoved it down his shirt!
He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a deer.
Why that Wrench even took their last can of root beer!
(edited, ts)
Then he stuffed the whole load up onto the roof,
Where it landed on Max, who let out a ‘ooch’!
"And NOW!" grinned the Wrench," I‘ll head to the next,
There’s much, too much work that’s yet to be done!"
But as he turned to the vent and started to jump up
with a lerp.
He heard a sound behind him, a quite large burp.
He turned around fast, and saw a large Fan!
A big old redneck, who went by the name of Dan.
The Wrench had been caught by this big redneck who
stood near
Who’d gotten out of bed to relieve himself of root
beer. (edited, ts)
He stared at the Wrench, looking quite tipsy, and
said," Junior...Junior? What are YOU doin’ here?"
Now you know, that old Wrench was so smart and so
slick.
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
"Hey dude, sorry thought this was my hauler."
And this fib fooled the man.
The Wrench reached in his shirt and pulled out a root
beer.(edited, ts)
Then gave it to the man and whispered in his ear,
"Here, take this, thanks for your support".
Then he patted the man on the on his big redneck belly
and sent him to bed.
And when the redneck went to bed with his root beer
(edited, ts),
He went to the vent and gave a silent cheer.
To be continued…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Boots
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new
boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car
one morning and finally had gotten her boots.
"Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where
did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause
said, "Both of them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- History Exam...
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at
this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a
handicap.
This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing
how much they really remember about what went on in
their life. Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to
20.
Write the letter of each answer and score at the end.
Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put
your score in the subject line!
1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight
dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had
holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern
winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and
milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the
cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game
of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!
5. What method did women use to look as if they were
wearing stockings when none were available due to
rationing during W.W.II
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its
ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or
going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
inside
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller
skates attached to your shoes?
a With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to
reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b What you did when your Mom called you in to do
chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with
your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the
Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajawea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students d o when
mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was
believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs
out the windo w
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid
their failure
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green
Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs,
which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for
various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on
tattoos
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made
the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Benn ett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
Answers tomorrow...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE
PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens
Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars
and Busses and Trucks and treesand Fire Hydrants
and...
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of
Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my wife -- who received this from a friend:
Teacher's Night Before Christmas (Marytha Pitt)
'Twas the night before Christmas
And in a teacher's home
Not a muscle was stirring
Not even a bone!
For my poor dear teacher
Was all tuckered out
>From the hustle and bustle
Before school let out.
No time to bake cookies
No time to bake cakes,
And thoughts of tomorrow
Just gave her the shakes.
She heaved a great sigh
And just flopped into bed
While nightmares of students
Raced through her head.
Down Janet! Down Terry!
Come Karen and Susan
(With all the excitement
Their attention I'm losin')
To the top of the class
To the head of them all!
Now read away! Write away!
Find a way all!
"As dry leaves that before
The wild hurricane fly,"
They finished their classwork,
(Sure, they did... my eye!)
And more visions she had
Of appointments with mothers
Who wondered if Johnny
Was as smart as the others.
But all of these worries
We hope you'll forget.
Remember we love you
There's good in us yet.
So take heart, dear teacher,
The end is in sight.
Happy Christmas tomorrow,
But for now... just Good Night!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: A Commercial X-mas
If DEC ran Christmas ..
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which
is put in your attic on the weekend after
Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after
the January bowl games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely
larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to
celebrate the season with a device attached
conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely
hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter
ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about
seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and
handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million, but would
be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the
year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on
your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal
driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on
shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know
anything about them or what they were for. Or you
could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you
purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free
set of Ginsu knives.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: 10 Things Men Understand
About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
thhUMOR For Dec.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only one person in 2 billion live to be 116 or older.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every
two weeks or it will digest itself.
A giraffe has a tongue that is 14 inches long and
black in color.
The giraffe's heart is huge; it weighs twenty-five
pounds, is two feet long, and has walls up to three
inches thick
The shortest war on record, between Britain and
Zanzibar in 1896, lasted just 38 minutes.
WHAT WORD DESCRIBES THE STATE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO
REMEMBER THE WORD YOU WANT? Lethologica.
The longest throw of an object without any
velocity-aiding feature is 427.2 m (1,401.5 ft) by
David Schummy (Australia) with a boomerang on 15 March
2005 at Murrarie Recreation Ground, Queensland,
Australia.
The greatest number of dominoes set up single-handed
and toppled is 303,621 out of 303,628 by Ma Li Hua
(China) at Singapore Expo Hall, Singapore on August
18, 2003. The event was organised by LG Electronics
Inc.
WHAT MOVIE STAR WAS A GYM TEACHER IN SWITZERLAND
BEFORE GETTING HIS FIRST BIG BREAK? Sylvester
Stallone.
The favorite sweet of Netherlands' is salty liquorice,
referred to as "drop."
The Dalmation was named for the place where the breed
first originated, can you name it? Dalmation coast of
Croatia
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Consider This...
Let us extol our blessings - not exaggerate our
trials.
Keep your words pleasant and sweet- you may have to
eat them.
Tact is the ability to shut your mouth before some one
want to shut it for you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: The Day After Christmas...
'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the
house,
Every creature was hurting, even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a white little truck, with an eagle on rear.
The driver looked nice, with a smile on his pan;
The patch on his jacket said he was the POSTMAN.
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
Now Sears, and now Broadway, now Kmart and Pennies,
Here's Walmart, and Target's -- they slid in with
ease.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT -- YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Ten Reasons Adam Was The
Most Fortunate Man
1. He is the only man who has never been compared to
the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by door-to-door
salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that
wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables -
and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied,
"The woman you gave me was reading the map."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Learning Numbers
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Learning Numbers
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical on
me! I'm not Bill Gates!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even
lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor,
but the computer still says he can't find it...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is
there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
work.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but
how do I get the circle around it?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
under a window, and his printer is working fine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And last but not least:....
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up
the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Only one person in 2 billion live to be 116 or older.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every
two weeks or it will digest itself.
A giraffe has a tongue that is 14 inches long and
black in color.
The giraffe's heart is huge; it weighs twenty-five
pounds, is two feet long, and has walls up to three
inches thick
The shortest war on record, between Britain and
Zanzibar in 1896, lasted just 38 minutes.
WHAT WORD DESCRIBES THE STATE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO
REMEMBER THE WORD YOU WANT? Lethologica.
The longest throw of an object without any
velocity-aiding feature is 427.2 m (1,401.5 ft) by
David Schummy (Australia) with a boomerang on 15 March
2005 at Murrarie Recreation Ground, Queensland,
Australia.
The greatest number of dominoes set up single-handed
and toppled is 303,621 out of 303,628 by Ma Li Hua
(China) at Singapore Expo Hall, Singapore on August
18, 2003. The event was organised by LG Electronics
Inc.
WHAT MOVIE STAR WAS A GYM TEACHER IN SWITZERLAND
BEFORE GETTING HIS FIRST BIG BREAK? Sylvester
Stallone.
The favorite sweet of Netherlands' is salty liquorice,
referred to as "drop."
The Dalmation was named for the place where the breed
first originated, can you name it? Dalmation coast of
Croatia
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Consider This...
Let us extol our blessings - not exaggerate our
trials.
Keep your words pleasant and sweet- you may have to
eat them.
Tact is the ability to shut your mouth before some one
want to shut it for you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: The Day After Christmas...
'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the
house,
Every creature was hurting, even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a white little truck, with an eagle on rear.
The driver looked nice, with a smile on his pan;
The patch on his jacket said he was the POSTMAN.
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
Now Sears, and now Broadway, now Kmart and Pennies,
Here's Walmart, and Target's -- they slid in with
ease.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT -- YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Ten Reasons Adam Was The
Most Fortunate Man
1. He is the only man who has never been compared to
the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by door-to-door
salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that
wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables -
and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied,
"The woman you gave me was reading the map."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Learning Numbers
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Learning Numbers
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical on
me! I'm not Bill Gates!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even
lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor,
but the computer still says he can't find it...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is
there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
work.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but
how do I get the circle around it?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
under a window, and his printer is working fine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And last but not least:....
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up
the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Friday, December 16, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 16th
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free
service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via
some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask
you to PLEASE FOR [HEAVEN]'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED
IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE
SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD," THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE
JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE
MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY
BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Don't You Have?"
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"Cheer up. Life isn't everything."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Faith and Suffering "
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slap That Kid...
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me
twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said
to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse,
she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks
tomorrow.' "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um.....
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard... Well, you know how
she is... Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her... You were perfectly right. You want to speak
with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife
in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk
to you!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Marti -- The Holy Alphabet...
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be
bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um.....
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard... Well, you know how
she is... Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her... You were perfectly right. You want to speak
with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife
in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk
to you!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Marti -- The Holy Alphabet...
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be
bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free
service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via
some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask
you to PLEASE FOR [HEAVEN]'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED
IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE
SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD," THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE
JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE
MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY
BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Don't You Have?"
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"Cheer up. Life isn't everything."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Faith and Suffering "
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slap That Kid...
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me
twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said
to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse,
she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks
tomorrow.' "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um.....
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard... Well, you know how
she is... Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her... You were perfectly right. You want to speak
with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife
in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk
to you!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Marti -- The Holy Alphabet...
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be
bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um.....
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard... Well, you know how
she is... Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her... You were perfectly right. You want to speak
with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife
in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk
to you!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Marti -- The Holy Alphabet...
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be
bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
Thursday, December 15, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 15th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased
male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his
back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from
massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully
clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the
coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to
control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the
ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket
300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the
kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped
into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged
along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for
an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went
down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort
them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right
the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the
spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went
into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending
to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers
blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again
phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They
started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the
husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting
it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out Much?
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our
table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out Much?
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our
table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a
borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions
that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet
owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent
years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):
* "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it
okay for her to eat it?" -- mother, Staten Island, N.Y.
* "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"
-- dog owner, Arlington, Tex.
* "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- dog owner, Cambridge,
Mass.
* "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a
vitamin B deficiency?" -- dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.
* "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog
food?" -- dog owner, Anchorage, Ak.
* "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his
character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog
owner, Richmond, Va.
* "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso,
Tex.
* "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig
owner, Vero Beach, Fla.
* "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I
sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.
* "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami,
Fla.
* "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them
home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new
kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.
* "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet
owner, Ephrata, Wash.
* "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat
magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom,
Englewood, Ohio.
* "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's
teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif.
* "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long
Barn, Ohio.
* "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif.
* "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a
tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.
"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a
straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer
Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the
time, we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help
pet owners with their questions, so however strange those
questions may seem, we try our best to answer them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased
male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his
back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from
massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully
clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the
coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to
control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the
ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket
300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the
kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped
into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged
along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for
an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went
down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort
them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right
the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the
spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went
into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending
to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers
blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again
phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They
started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the
husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting
it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out Much?
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our
table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out Much?
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our
table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a
borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions
that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet
owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent
years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):
* "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it
okay for her to eat it?" -- mother, Staten Island, N.Y.
* "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"
-- dog owner, Arlington, Tex.
* "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- dog owner, Cambridge,
Mass.
* "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a
vitamin B deficiency?" -- dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.
* "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog
food?" -- dog owner, Anchorage, Ak.
* "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his
character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog
owner, Richmond, Va.
* "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso,
Tex.
* "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig
owner, Vero Beach, Fla.
* "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I
sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.
* "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami,
Fla.
* "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them
home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new
kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.
* "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet
owner, Ephrata, Wash.
* "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat
magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom,
Englewood, Ohio.
* "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's
teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif.
* "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long
Barn, Ohio.
* "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif.
* "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a
tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.
"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a
straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer
Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the
time, we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help
pet owners with their questions, so however strange those
questions may seem, we try our best to answer them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 14th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have
not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The
last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only
two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and
"Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert
level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual,
and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling
out of Brussels.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cart Ads"
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Today's CleanLaugh. - "Cart Ads"
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
Today's CleanQuote
"What is beautiful is not always good, but what is good is not always beautiful."
- Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Training"
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "You're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now here's a Christmas Poem I like -- Revv Those
Engines!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
December 5 (adapted from the " How The Grinch stole
Christmas, by Dr. Suess)
(This is the first of my annual Christmas NASCAR
Style Stories. I'll debut one every week during
December)
Down in Fan-ville they liked racing a lot
But the 'Wrench', who lived just north of Fan-ville,
did NOT!
The 'Wrench' hated racing! The whole racing season.
Now please don't ask why, No one quite knows the
reason.
It could be that his helmet wasn't screwed on quite
right.
It could be, perhaps, that his 'steering' was too
tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his hands was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his head or his hands,
He stood there the night before the first race, hating
the Fans. Staring down from his cave with a sour,
Wrenchy pout
At the motorhomes below in the infield scattered all
about.
Was busy now hanging driver flags with glee.
"And they're wearing driver t-shirts!" he snarled with
a sneer, "Tomorrow is race day! It's practically
here!"
Then he growled, with his Wrench fingers nervously
drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep race day from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...All Fan guys and gals
Would wake up bright and early with screams and happy
howls...
They'd head for the track. They'd rush the
grandstands!
Hats on their heads and scanners in their hands.
They drop that green flag and then, And then!
Oh the noise!
Oh the noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's the one thing he hated!
The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
The Fans, young and old, would sit down there to watch
them race.
And they'd race.
And they'd race!
And they'd RACE! RACE! RACE! RACE!
Those infernal machines would start going round,
the Fans all cheering, yelling so loud!
But, before all of THAT they'd do something he liked
least of all. Every Fan down in Fanville, the tall
and the small,
in the stands, in the infield And along the pit
wall,
Would place their Fan hands over their little Fan
hearts,
And they'd start singing. They'd sing! And they'd
sing.
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
(To Be Continued)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: GIFT OF GIVING
The holiday season comes with lots and lots of rain
And just like the water, our money goes down the
drain.
But what would the season be, without the spirit of
living?
It would be like the world of the dead, without the
gift of giving.
For the ability to give is a gift, which came from
God, above;
HE gave his beloved son as a token of HIS undying
love.
And Jesus continued the gift by dying on Calvary
To save everyone who obeys him, every sinner just like
me.
Oh, that I may follow and imitate their blessed
example
That others may see in me a tiny bit of a sample
Of the greatness of God and HIS blessed son.
May others see and say, " In all, may HIS will be
done."
By L. B. Strawn
December 1, 1998
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have
not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The
last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only
two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and
"Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert
level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual,
and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling
out of Brussels.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cart Ads"
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
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Today's CleanLaugh. - "Cart Ads"
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
Today's CleanQuote
"What is beautiful is not always good, but what is good is not always beautiful."
- Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Training"
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "You're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now here's a Christmas Poem I like -- Revv Those
Engines!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
December 5 (adapted from the " How The Grinch stole
Christmas, by Dr. Suess)
(This is the first of my annual Christmas NASCAR
Style Stories. I'll debut one every week during
December)
Down in Fan-ville they liked racing a lot
But the 'Wrench', who lived just north of Fan-ville,
did NOT!
The 'Wrench' hated racing! The whole racing season.
Now please don't ask why, No one quite knows the
reason.
It could be that his helmet wasn't screwed on quite
right.
It could be, perhaps, that his 'steering' was too
tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his hands was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his head or his hands,
He stood there the night before the first race, hating
the Fans. Staring down from his cave with a sour,
Wrenchy pout
At the motorhomes below in the infield scattered all
about.
Was busy now hanging driver flags with glee.
"And they're wearing driver t-shirts!" he snarled with
a sneer, "Tomorrow is race day! It's practically
here!"
Then he growled, with his Wrench fingers nervously
drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep race day from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...All Fan guys and gals
Would wake up bright and early with screams and happy
howls...
They'd head for the track. They'd rush the
grandstands!
Hats on their heads and scanners in their hands.
They drop that green flag and then, And then!
Oh the noise!
Oh the noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's the one thing he hated!
The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
The Fans, young and old, would sit down there to watch
them race.
And they'd race.
And they'd race!
And they'd RACE! RACE! RACE! RACE!
Those infernal machines would start going round,
the Fans all cheering, yelling so loud!
But, before all of THAT they'd do something he liked
least of all. Every Fan down in Fanville, the tall
and the small,
in the stands, in the infield And along the pit
wall,
Would place their Fan hands over their little Fan
hearts,
And they'd start singing. They'd sing! And they'd
sing.
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
(To Be Continued)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: GIFT OF GIVING
The holiday season comes with lots and lots of rain
And just like the water, our money goes down the
drain.
But what would the season be, without the spirit of
living?
It would be like the world of the dead, without the
gift of giving.
For the ability to give is a gift, which came from
God, above;
HE gave his beloved son as a token of HIS undying
love.
And Jesus continued the gift by dying on Calvary
To save everyone who obeys him, every sinner just like
me.
Oh, that I may follow and imitate their blessed
example
That others may see in me a tiny bit of a sample
Of the greatness of God and HIS blessed son.
May others see and say, " In all, may HIS will be
done."
By L. B. Strawn
December 1, 1998
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