!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Natural Antibiotic "
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.
I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Empathy"
A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little girl started to cry.
The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."
Snubbing back sobs and tears the girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get anything to eat."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Signs that the Starship Enterprise is Nearing the End of It's Warranty"
- Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
- Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
- Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
- Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.
- Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
- Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
- Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
- Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
- Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
- Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
- Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
- Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
- Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"THE WRENCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS" will continue in a
day or two, Lord willing.
Some of these daily posts are pretty big of late, but
just skip over what you don't want to read and all
will be well.
Here is a great piece I meant to get out a few days
ago, as the author graciously offered me an exclusive
and messed around and failed to take advantage of it
in time.
All the same, thanks BC:
YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A……….JESUS!
In my youth I remember always hearing the phrase
“Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus” In the
ignorance of youth I associated it with someone trying
to prove to the state I love so dear that there was in
fact a Kris Kringle. In later years I learned that
Virginia was actually Virginia O’Hanlon, who had
written a letter to the editor asking if Jolly Old St.
Nicholas was real.[1] Through the years, The Jolly
Old Elf, Santa, has been able to remain a constant of
the Christmas Season. Jesus, however, has been all but
barred from the holiday. Merry Christmas has been
replaced with “Season’s Greetings.” Christmas trees
are now, in many places, “Holiday Trees.” Nativity
scenes can no longer be placed on public grounds,
while images of Santa and the reindeer are allowed to
fly through the city.
If Virginia O’Hanlon were to write her letter today it
might go something like this:
Yes, Virginia, There is a Jesus
Dear Editor—
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there
is no JESUS. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun,
it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Jesus?
Virginia O’Hanlon
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have
been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age.
They do not believe except they see: “blessed are they
that have not seen, and yet have believed (John
20:29).” They think that nothing can be which is not
comprehensible by their little minds “For now we see
through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I
know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am
known (1 Corinthians 13:12). All minds, Virginia,
whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In
this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an
ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless
world about him, as measured by the intelligence
capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Jesus. He exists as
certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist,
and you know that they abound and give to your life
its highest beauty and joy: “God is love” (1 John
4:16). Alas! how dreary would be the world if there
were no Jesus: “In him was life; and the life was the
light of men!” (John 1:4). It would be as dreary as if
there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike
faith then (Except ye be converted, and become as
little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom
of heaven, Matthew 18:3), no poetry, no romance to
make tolerable this existence. We should have no
enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external
light with which childhood fills the world would be
extinguished.
Not believe in Jesus! You might as well not believe in
Santa. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in
all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa
Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming
down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Jesus, but
that is no sign that there is no Jesus. The most real
things in the world are those that neither children
nor men can see. Nobody can conceive or imagine all
the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the
world.
You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes
the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the
unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the
united strength of all the strongest men that ever
lived could tear apart. Only faith, can push aside
that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty
and glory beyond: “By a new and living way, which he
hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to
say, his flesh” (Hebrews 10:20). Is it all real? Ah,
Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real
and abiding
No Jesus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A
thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000
years from now, he will continue to make glad the
heart of childhood.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(2001)
'Twas The Night Before Christmas,
He Lived All Alone,
In A One Bedroom House Made Of
Plaster And Stone.
I Had Come Down The Chimney
With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who
In This Home Did Live.
I Looked All About,
A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents,
Not Even A Tree.
No Stocking By Mantle,
Just Boots Filled With Sand,
And On The Wall Pictures
Of Far Distant Lands.
With Medals And Badges,
Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sobering Thought
Came To My Mind.
For This House Was Different,
So Dark And So Dreary,
The Home Of A Soldier,
Now I Could See Clearly.
The Soldier Lay Sleeping,
Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor
In This One Bedroom Home.
The Face Was So Gentle,
The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured
A United States Soldier.
Was This The Hero
Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho,
The Floor For A Bed?
I Realized The Families
That I Saw This Night,
Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers
Who Were Willing To Fight.
Soon Round The World,
The Children Would Play,
And Grownups Would Celebrate
A Bright Christmas Day.
They All Enjoyed Freedom
Each Month Of The Year,
Because Of The Soldiers,
Like The One Lying Here.
I Couldn't Help Wonder
How Many Lay Alone,
On A Cold Christmas Eve
In A Land Far From Home.
The Very Thought
Brought A Tear To My Eye,
I Dropped To My Knees
And Started To Cry.
The Soldier Awakened
And I Heard A Rough Voice,
"Santa Don't Cry,
This Life Is My Choice;
I Fight For Freedom,
I Don't Ask For More,
My Life Is My God,
My Country, My Corps."
The Soldier Rolled Over
And Soon Drifted To Sleep,
I Couldn't Control It,
I Continued To Weep.
I Kept Watch For Hours,
So Silent And Still,
And We Both Shivered
>From The Cold Evening's Chill.
I Didn't Want To Leave
On That Cold, Dark, Night,
This Guardian Of Honor
So Willing To Fight.
Then The Soldier Rolled Over,
With A Voice Soft And Pure,
Whispered, "Carry On Santa,
It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure."
One Look At My Watch,
And I Knew He Was Right.
"Merry Christmas My Friend,
And To All A Good Night."
(Author Unknown)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- ANSWERS FROM YESTERDAY
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand
controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60's
to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a
steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and
expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing
a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored
water.
8 a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you
wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools
were closed, movies and other public gathering places
were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head
with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was
another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a
high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be
traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good
today..
SCORING
17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously
gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only
find your glasses. Definitely someone who should
share your wisdom!
12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting
there.
0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the
wisdom of your experiences.
Send this to your friends with your score in the
subject line.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Sunday, December 18, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 18th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Politically Correct Rudolph
Original text is followed by the "politically correct" translation.
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolf was a four-hooved ungulate,
Original: Had a very shiny nose ...
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage
of a maroon lustre.
Original: And if you ever saw him ...
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present
themselves that he ever came into your view,
Original: You would even say it glows ...
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its
illuminary qualities.
Original: All of the other reindeer ...
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population
in his ecological community,
Original: Used to laugh and call him names ...
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms --
the objective of which was to lower
his self-esteen and make him miserable.
Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure
activities consistent with their species.
Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ...
Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an
unspecified year,
Original: Santa came to say ...
Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to
western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas
attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children)
arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.
Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...
Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary
nasal characteristic,
Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle
with the express purpose that he navigate through
the nocturnal mist.
Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ...
Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members
of the population in his ecological community
who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed
their disposition toward Rudolph to a more
congenial, amicable relationship.
Original: And they shouted out with glee ...
Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great
exaltation and fervor,
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon
nasal appendage,
Original: You'll go down in history!
Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the
annals of time and your memory will be preserved
for posterity!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Continued from a few days ago...
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most
unpleasant
And he took every Fan thing in the room that was
present!
Mark Martin hats! T-shirts for Stewart! Dale Jarrett
socks!
Belt buckles for Dale junior!
Mugs from Labonte, both Terry and Bobby!
Die-cast cars collected as a hobby!
And he stuffed them in the bags.
Then the Wrench, very aloof, stuffed all the bags
One by one up to the roof.
Then he slunk to the icebox and as dirty as dirt.
He took all their food and shoved it down his shirt!
He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a deer.
Why that Wrench even took their last can of root beer!
(edited, ts)
Then he stuffed the whole load up onto the roof,
Where it landed on Max, who let out a ‘ooch’!
"And NOW!" grinned the Wrench," I‘ll head to the next,
There’s much, too much work that’s yet to be done!"
But as he turned to the vent and started to jump up
with a lerp.
He heard a sound behind him, a quite large burp.
He turned around fast, and saw a large Fan!
A big old redneck, who went by the name of Dan.
The Wrench had been caught by this big redneck who
stood near
Who’d gotten out of bed to relieve himself of root
beer. (edited, ts)
He stared at the Wrench, looking quite tipsy, and
said," Junior...Junior? What are YOU doin’ here?"
Now you know, that old Wrench was so smart and so
slick.
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
"Hey dude, sorry thought this was my hauler."
And this fib fooled the man.
The Wrench reached in his shirt and pulled out a root
beer.(edited, ts)
Then gave it to the man and whispered in his ear,
"Here, take this, thanks for your support".
Then he patted the man on the on his big redneck belly
and sent him to bed.
And when the redneck went to bed with his root beer
(edited, ts),
He went to the vent and gave a silent cheer.
To be continued…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Boots
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new
boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car
one morning and finally had gotten her boots.
"Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where
did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause
said, "Both of them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- History Exam...
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at
this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a
handicap.
This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing
how much they really remember about what went on in
their life. Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to
20.
Write the letter of each answer and score at the end.
Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put
your score in the subject line!
1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight
dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had
holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern
winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and
milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the
cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game
of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!
5. What method did women use to look as if they were
wearing stockings when none were available due to
rationing during W.W.II
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its
ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or
going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
inside
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller
skates attached to your shoes?
a With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to
reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b What you did when your Mom called you in to do
chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with
your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the
Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajawea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students d o when
mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was
believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs
out the windo w
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid
their failure
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green
Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs,
which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for
various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on
tattoos
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made
the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Benn ett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
Answers tomorrow...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE
PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens
Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars
and Busses and Trucks and treesand Fire Hydrants
and...
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of
Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my wife -- who received this from a friend:
Teacher's Night Before Christmas (Marytha Pitt)
'Twas the night before Christmas
And in a teacher's home
Not a muscle was stirring
Not even a bone!
For my poor dear teacher
Was all tuckered out
>From the hustle and bustle
Before school let out.
No time to bake cookies
No time to bake cakes,
And thoughts of tomorrow
Just gave her the shakes.
She heaved a great sigh
And just flopped into bed
While nightmares of students
Raced through her head.
Down Janet! Down Terry!
Come Karen and Susan
(With all the excitement
Their attention I'm losin')
To the top of the class
To the head of them all!
Now read away! Write away!
Find a way all!
"As dry leaves that before
The wild hurricane fly,"
They finished their classwork,
(Sure, they did... my eye!)
And more visions she had
Of appointments with mothers
Who wondered if Johnny
Was as smart as the others.
But all of these worries
We hope you'll forget.
Remember we love you
There's good in us yet.
So take heart, dear teacher,
The end is in sight.
Happy Christmas tomorrow,
But for now... just Good Night!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: A Commercial X-mas
If DEC ran Christmas ..
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which
is put in your attic on the weekend after
Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after
the January bowl games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely
larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to
celebrate the season with a device attached
conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely
hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter
ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about
seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and
handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million, but would
be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the
year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on
your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal
driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on
shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know
anything about them or what they were for. Or you
could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you
purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free
set of Ginsu knives.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: 10 Things Men Understand
About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Politically Correct Rudolph
Original text is followed by the "politically correct" translation.
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolf was a four-hooved ungulate,
Original: Had a very shiny nose ...
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage
of a maroon lustre.
Original: And if you ever saw him ...
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present
themselves that he ever came into your view,
Original: You would even say it glows ...
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its
illuminary qualities.
Original: All of the other reindeer ...
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population
in his ecological community,
Original: Used to laugh and call him names ...
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms --
the objective of which was to lower
his self-esteen and make him miserable.
Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure
activities consistent with their species.
Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ...
Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an
unspecified year,
Original: Santa came to say ...
Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to
western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas
attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children)
arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.
Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...
Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary
nasal characteristic,
Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle
with the express purpose that he navigate through
the nocturnal mist.
Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ...
Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members
of the population in his ecological community
who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed
their disposition toward Rudolph to a more
congenial, amicable relationship.
Original: And they shouted out with glee ...
Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great
exaltation and fervor,
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon
nasal appendage,
Original: You'll go down in history!
Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the
annals of time and your memory will be preserved
for posterity!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Continued from a few days ago...
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most
unpleasant
And he took every Fan thing in the room that was
present!
Mark Martin hats! T-shirts for Stewart! Dale Jarrett
socks!
Belt buckles for Dale junior!
Mugs from Labonte, both Terry and Bobby!
Die-cast cars collected as a hobby!
And he stuffed them in the bags.
Then the Wrench, very aloof, stuffed all the bags
One by one up to the roof.
Then he slunk to the icebox and as dirty as dirt.
He took all their food and shoved it down his shirt!
He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a deer.
Why that Wrench even took their last can of root beer!
(edited, ts)
Then he stuffed the whole load up onto the roof,
Where it landed on Max, who let out a ‘ooch’!
"And NOW!" grinned the Wrench," I‘ll head to the next,
There’s much, too much work that’s yet to be done!"
But as he turned to the vent and started to jump up
with a lerp.
He heard a sound behind him, a quite large burp.
He turned around fast, and saw a large Fan!
A big old redneck, who went by the name of Dan.
The Wrench had been caught by this big redneck who
stood near
Who’d gotten out of bed to relieve himself of root
beer. (edited, ts)
He stared at the Wrench, looking quite tipsy, and
said," Junior...Junior? What are YOU doin’ here?"
Now you know, that old Wrench was so smart and so
slick.
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
"Hey dude, sorry thought this was my hauler."
And this fib fooled the man.
The Wrench reached in his shirt and pulled out a root
beer.(edited, ts)
Then gave it to the man and whispered in his ear,
"Here, take this, thanks for your support".
Then he patted the man on the on his big redneck belly
and sent him to bed.
And when the redneck went to bed with his root beer
(edited, ts),
He went to the vent and gave a silent cheer.
To be continued…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Boots
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new
boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car
one morning and finally had gotten her boots.
"Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where
did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause
said, "Both of them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- History Exam...
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at
this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a
handicap.
This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing
how much they really remember about what went on in
their life. Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to
20.
Write the letter of each answer and score at the end.
Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put
your score in the subject line!
1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight
dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had
holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern
winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and
milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the
cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game
of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!
5. What method did women use to look as if they were
wearing stockings when none were available due to
rationing during W.W.II
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its
ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or
going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
inside
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller
skates attached to your shoes?
a With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to
reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b What you did when your Mom called you in to do
chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with
your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the
Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajawea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students d o when
mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was
believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs
out the windo w
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid
their failure
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green
Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs,
which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for
various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on
tattoos
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made
the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Benn ett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
Answers tomorrow...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE
PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens
Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars
and Busses and Trucks and treesand Fire Hydrants
and...
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of
Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my wife -- who received this from a friend:
Teacher's Night Before Christmas (Marytha Pitt)
'Twas the night before Christmas
And in a teacher's home
Not a muscle was stirring
Not even a bone!
For my poor dear teacher
Was all tuckered out
>From the hustle and bustle
Before school let out.
No time to bake cookies
No time to bake cakes,
And thoughts of tomorrow
Just gave her the shakes.
She heaved a great sigh
And just flopped into bed
While nightmares of students
Raced through her head.
Down Janet! Down Terry!
Come Karen and Susan
(With all the excitement
Their attention I'm losin')
To the top of the class
To the head of them all!
Now read away! Write away!
Find a way all!
"As dry leaves that before
The wild hurricane fly,"
They finished their classwork,
(Sure, they did... my eye!)
And more visions she had
Of appointments with mothers
Who wondered if Johnny
Was as smart as the others.
But all of these worries
We hope you'll forget.
Remember we love you
There's good in us yet.
So take heart, dear teacher,
The end is in sight.
Happy Christmas tomorrow,
But for now... just Good Night!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: A Commercial X-mas
If DEC ran Christmas ..
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which
is put in your attic on the weekend after
Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after
the January bowl games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely
larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to
celebrate the season with a device attached
conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely
hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter
ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about
seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and
handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million, but would
be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the
year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on
your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal
driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on
shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know
anything about them or what they were for. Or you
could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you
purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free
set of Ginsu knives.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: 10 Things Men Understand
About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
thhUMOR For Dec.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only one person in 2 billion live to be 116 or older.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every
two weeks or it will digest itself.
A giraffe has a tongue that is 14 inches long and
black in color.
The giraffe's heart is huge; it weighs twenty-five
pounds, is two feet long, and has walls up to three
inches thick
The shortest war on record, between Britain and
Zanzibar in 1896, lasted just 38 minutes.
WHAT WORD DESCRIBES THE STATE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO
REMEMBER THE WORD YOU WANT? Lethologica.
The longest throw of an object without any
velocity-aiding feature is 427.2 m (1,401.5 ft) by
David Schummy (Australia) with a boomerang on 15 March
2005 at Murrarie Recreation Ground, Queensland,
Australia.
The greatest number of dominoes set up single-handed
and toppled is 303,621 out of 303,628 by Ma Li Hua
(China) at Singapore Expo Hall, Singapore on August
18, 2003. The event was organised by LG Electronics
Inc.
WHAT MOVIE STAR WAS A GYM TEACHER IN SWITZERLAND
BEFORE GETTING HIS FIRST BIG BREAK? Sylvester
Stallone.
The favorite sweet of Netherlands' is salty liquorice,
referred to as "drop."
The Dalmation was named for the place where the breed
first originated, can you name it? Dalmation coast of
Croatia
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Consider This...
Let us extol our blessings - not exaggerate our
trials.
Keep your words pleasant and sweet- you may have to
eat them.
Tact is the ability to shut your mouth before some one
want to shut it for you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: The Day After Christmas...
'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the
house,
Every creature was hurting, even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a white little truck, with an eagle on rear.
The driver looked nice, with a smile on his pan;
The patch on his jacket said he was the POSTMAN.
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
Now Sears, and now Broadway, now Kmart and Pennies,
Here's Walmart, and Target's -- they slid in with
ease.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT -- YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Ten Reasons Adam Was The
Most Fortunate Man
1. He is the only man who has never been compared to
the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by door-to-door
salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that
wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables -
and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied,
"The woman you gave me was reading the map."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Learning Numbers
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Learning Numbers
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical on
me! I'm not Bill Gates!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even
lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor,
but the computer still says he can't find it...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is
there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
work.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but
how do I get the circle around it?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
under a window, and his printer is working fine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And last but not least:....
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up
the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Only one person in 2 billion live to be 116 or older.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every
two weeks or it will digest itself.
A giraffe has a tongue that is 14 inches long and
black in color.
The giraffe's heart is huge; it weighs twenty-five
pounds, is two feet long, and has walls up to three
inches thick
The shortest war on record, between Britain and
Zanzibar in 1896, lasted just 38 minutes.
WHAT WORD DESCRIBES THE STATE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO
REMEMBER THE WORD YOU WANT? Lethologica.
The longest throw of an object without any
velocity-aiding feature is 427.2 m (1,401.5 ft) by
David Schummy (Australia) with a boomerang on 15 March
2005 at Murrarie Recreation Ground, Queensland,
Australia.
The greatest number of dominoes set up single-handed
and toppled is 303,621 out of 303,628 by Ma Li Hua
(China) at Singapore Expo Hall, Singapore on August
18, 2003. The event was organised by LG Electronics
Inc.
WHAT MOVIE STAR WAS A GYM TEACHER IN SWITZERLAND
BEFORE GETTING HIS FIRST BIG BREAK? Sylvester
Stallone.
The favorite sweet of Netherlands' is salty liquorice,
referred to as "drop."
The Dalmation was named for the place where the breed
first originated, can you name it? Dalmation coast of
Croatia
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Consider This...
Let us extol our blessings - not exaggerate our
trials.
Keep your words pleasant and sweet- you may have to
eat them.
Tact is the ability to shut your mouth before some one
want to shut it for you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: The Day After Christmas...
'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the
house,
Every creature was hurting, even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a white little truck, with an eagle on rear.
The driver looked nice, with a smile on his pan;
The patch on his jacket said he was the POSTMAN.
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
Now Sears, and now Broadway, now Kmart and Pennies,
Here's Walmart, and Target's -- they slid in with
ease.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT -- YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Ten Reasons Adam Was The
Most Fortunate Man
1. He is the only man who has never been compared to
the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by door-to-door
salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that
wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables -
and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied,
"The woman you gave me was reading the map."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Learning Numbers
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Learning Numbers
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical on
me! I'm not Bill Gates!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even
lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor,
but the computer still says he can't find it...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is
there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
work.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but
how do I get the circle around it?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
under a window, and his printer is working fine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And last but not least:....
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up
the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Friday, December 16, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 16th
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free
service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via
some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask
you to PLEASE FOR [HEAVEN]'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED
IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE
SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD," THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE
JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE
MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY
BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Don't You Have?"
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"Cheer up. Life isn't everything."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Faith and Suffering "
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slap That Kid...
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me
twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said
to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse,
she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks
tomorrow.' "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um.....
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard... Well, you know how
she is... Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her... You were perfectly right. You want to speak
with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife
in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk
to you!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Marti -- The Holy Alphabet...
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be
bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um.....
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard... Well, you know how
she is... Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her... You were perfectly right. You want to speak
with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife
in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk
to you!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Marti -- The Holy Alphabet...
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be
bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free
service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via
some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask
you to PLEASE FOR [HEAVEN]'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED
IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE
SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD," THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE
JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE
MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY
BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Don't You Have?"
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"Cheer up. Life isn't everything."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Faith and Suffering "
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slap That Kid...
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me
twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said
to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse,
she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks
tomorrow.' "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um.....
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard... Well, you know how
she is... Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her... You were perfectly right. You want to speak
with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife
in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk
to you!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Marti -- The Holy Alphabet...
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be
bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um.....
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard... Well, you know how
she is... Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her... You were perfectly right. You want to speak
with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife
in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk
to you!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Marti -- The Holy Alphabet...
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be
bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
Thursday, December 15, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 15th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased
male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his
back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from
massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully
clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the
coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to
control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the
ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket
300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the
kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped
into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged
along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for
an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went
down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort
them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right
the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the
spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went
into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending
to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers
blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again
phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They
started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the
husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting
it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out Much?
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our
table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out Much?
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our
table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a
borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions
that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet
owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent
years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):
* "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it
okay for her to eat it?" -- mother, Staten Island, N.Y.
* "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"
-- dog owner, Arlington, Tex.
* "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- dog owner, Cambridge,
Mass.
* "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a
vitamin B deficiency?" -- dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.
* "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog
food?" -- dog owner, Anchorage, Ak.
* "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his
character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog
owner, Richmond, Va.
* "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso,
Tex.
* "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig
owner, Vero Beach, Fla.
* "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I
sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.
* "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami,
Fla.
* "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them
home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new
kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.
* "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet
owner, Ephrata, Wash.
* "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat
magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom,
Englewood, Ohio.
* "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's
teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif.
* "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long
Barn, Ohio.
* "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif.
* "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a
tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.
"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a
straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer
Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the
time, we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help
pet owners with their questions, so however strange those
questions may seem, we try our best to answer them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased
male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his
back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from
massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully
clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the
coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to
control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the
ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket
300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the
kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped
into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged
along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for
an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went
down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort
them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right
the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the
spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went
into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending
to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers
blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again
phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They
started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the
husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting
it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out Much?
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our
table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out Much?
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our
table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a
borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions
that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet
owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent
years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):
* "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it
okay for her to eat it?" -- mother, Staten Island, N.Y.
* "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"
-- dog owner, Arlington, Tex.
* "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- dog owner, Cambridge,
Mass.
* "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a
vitamin B deficiency?" -- dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.
* "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog
food?" -- dog owner, Anchorage, Ak.
* "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his
character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog
owner, Richmond, Va.
* "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso,
Tex.
* "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig
owner, Vero Beach, Fla.
* "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I
sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.
* "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami,
Fla.
* "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them
home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new
kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.
* "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet
owner, Ephrata, Wash.
* "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat
magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom,
Englewood, Ohio.
* "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's
teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif.
* "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long
Barn, Ohio.
* "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif.
* "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a
tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.
"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a
straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer
Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the
time, we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help
pet owners with their questions, so however strange those
questions may seem, we try our best to answer them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 14th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have
not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The
last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only
two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and
"Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert
level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual,
and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling
out of Brussels.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cart Ads"
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh. - "Cart Ads"
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
Today's CleanQuote
"What is beautiful is not always good, but what is good is not always beautiful."
- Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Training"
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "You're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now here's a Christmas Poem I like -- Revv Those
Engines!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
December 5 (adapted from the " How The Grinch stole
Christmas, by Dr. Suess)
(This is the first of my annual Christmas NASCAR
Style Stories. I'll debut one every week during
December)
Down in Fan-ville they liked racing a lot
But the 'Wrench', who lived just north of Fan-ville,
did NOT!
The 'Wrench' hated racing! The whole racing season.
Now please don't ask why, No one quite knows the
reason.
It could be that his helmet wasn't screwed on quite
right.
It could be, perhaps, that his 'steering' was too
tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his hands was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his head or his hands,
He stood there the night before the first race, hating
the Fans. Staring down from his cave with a sour,
Wrenchy pout
At the motorhomes below in the infield scattered all
about.
Was busy now hanging driver flags with glee.
"And they're wearing driver t-shirts!" he snarled with
a sneer, "Tomorrow is race day! It's practically
here!"
Then he growled, with his Wrench fingers nervously
drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep race day from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...All Fan guys and gals
Would wake up bright and early with screams and happy
howls...
They'd head for the track. They'd rush the
grandstands!
Hats on their heads and scanners in their hands.
They drop that green flag and then, And then!
Oh the noise!
Oh the noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's the one thing he hated!
The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
The Fans, young and old, would sit down there to watch
them race.
And they'd race.
And they'd race!
And they'd RACE! RACE! RACE! RACE!
Those infernal machines would start going round,
the Fans all cheering, yelling so loud!
But, before all of THAT they'd do something he liked
least of all. Every Fan down in Fanville, the tall
and the small,
in the stands, in the infield And along the pit
wall,
Would place their Fan hands over their little Fan
hearts,
And they'd start singing. They'd sing! And they'd
sing.
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
(To Be Continued)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: GIFT OF GIVING
The holiday season comes with lots and lots of rain
And just like the water, our money goes down the
drain.
But what would the season be, without the spirit of
living?
It would be like the world of the dead, without the
gift of giving.
For the ability to give is a gift, which came from
God, above;
HE gave his beloved son as a token of HIS undying
love.
And Jesus continued the gift by dying on Calvary
To save everyone who obeys him, every sinner just like
me.
Oh, that I may follow and imitate their blessed
example
That others may see in me a tiny bit of a sample
Of the greatness of God and HIS blessed son.
May others see and say, " In all, may HIS will be
done."
By L. B. Strawn
December 1, 1998
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have
not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The
last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only
two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and
"Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert
level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual,
and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling
out of Brussels.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cart Ads"
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Today's CleanLaugh. - "Cart Ads"
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
Today's CleanQuote
"What is beautiful is not always good, but what is good is not always beautiful."
- Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Training"
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "You're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now here's a Christmas Poem I like -- Revv Those
Engines!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
December 5 (adapted from the " How The Grinch stole
Christmas, by Dr. Suess)
(This is the first of my annual Christmas NASCAR
Style Stories. I'll debut one every week during
December)
Down in Fan-ville they liked racing a lot
But the 'Wrench', who lived just north of Fan-ville,
did NOT!
The 'Wrench' hated racing! The whole racing season.
Now please don't ask why, No one quite knows the
reason.
It could be that his helmet wasn't screwed on quite
right.
It could be, perhaps, that his 'steering' was too
tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his hands was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his head or his hands,
He stood there the night before the first race, hating
the Fans. Staring down from his cave with a sour,
Wrenchy pout
At the motorhomes below in the infield scattered all
about.
Was busy now hanging driver flags with glee.
"And they're wearing driver t-shirts!" he snarled with
a sneer, "Tomorrow is race day! It's practically
here!"
Then he growled, with his Wrench fingers nervously
drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep race day from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...All Fan guys and gals
Would wake up bright and early with screams and happy
howls...
They'd head for the track. They'd rush the
grandstands!
Hats on their heads and scanners in their hands.
They drop that green flag and then, And then!
Oh the noise!
Oh the noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's the one thing he hated!
The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
The Fans, young and old, would sit down there to watch
them race.
And they'd race.
And they'd race!
And they'd RACE! RACE! RACE! RACE!
Those infernal machines would start going round,
the Fans all cheering, yelling so loud!
But, before all of THAT they'd do something he liked
least of all. Every Fan down in Fanville, the tall
and the small,
in the stands, in the infield And along the pit
wall,
Would place their Fan hands over their little Fan
hearts,
And they'd start singing. They'd sing! And they'd
sing.
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
(To Be Continued)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: GIFT OF GIVING
The holiday season comes with lots and lots of rain
And just like the water, our money goes down the
drain.
But what would the season be, without the spirit of
living?
It would be like the world of the dead, without the
gift of giving.
For the ability to give is a gift, which came from
God, above;
HE gave his beloved son as a token of HIS undying
love.
And Jesus continued the gift by dying on Calvary
To save everyone who obeys him, every sinner just like
me.
Oh, that I may follow and imitate their blessed
example
That others may see in me a tiny bit of a sample
Of the greatness of God and HIS blessed son.
May others see and say, " In all, may HIS will be
done."
By L. B. Strawn
December 1, 1998
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 13th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lobster Pets "
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As part of our EAPD goals this next year, I came across this
exercise to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
It seems so easy that I am directing you to include it as
part of your EAPD goals for next year.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in
each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and
hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of
weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato
sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each
of the sacks; but be careful!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is long again, but here is the BONUS HOLIDAY JOKE:
Puppy Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses and I forgot all about the other
eleven days.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend -- Worthy Quotes
The man who once most wisely said, "Be sure you're
right, then go ahead."
Might as well have added this to wit: "Be sure you're
wrong before you quit."
The thing to try when all else fails
is..............AGAIN.
If it seems that everything you try your hand at
fails....
....next time try your head.
The secret to accomplishment is to start from scratch
and keep on scratching.
Many people fail because they have a WISHBONE where
they should have BACKBONE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: THAT TIME OF YEAR
"'Tis the season to be jolly",
Everyone says about this time.
To say otherwise would be folly;
Completely out of sync or rhyme.
To be jolly, we should want to give.
Give of ourselves, and that from the heart.
"To lend a hand to help others live",
For ev'ryone would be a good start.
To miser Scrooge it was "Bah, humbug",
For his attitude was very bad.
Instead of giving ev'ryone a hug,
He would make them very, very sad.
He didn't want to give a gift,
For it would cost him too much money.
He couldn't see giving gives a lift
And makes someone's life warm and sunny.
There'll always be Scrooges in the world,
But let none of us become that way.
Let the banner of joy be unfurled
Both at Christmas and ev'ry other day.
By L. B. Strawn
December 8, 1999
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had
turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blaring annoying
elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
"Lobster Pets "
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As part of our EAPD goals this next year, I came across this
exercise to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
It seems so easy that I am directing you to include it as
part of your EAPD goals for next year.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in
each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and
hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of
weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato
sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each
of the sacks; but be careful!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is long again, but here is the BONUS HOLIDAY JOKE:
Puppy Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses and I forgot all about the other
eleven days.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend -- Worthy Quotes
The man who once most wisely said, "Be sure you're
right, then go ahead."
Might as well have added this to wit: "Be sure you're
wrong before you quit."
The thing to try when all else fails
is..............AGAIN.
If it seems that everything you try your hand at
fails....
....next time try your head.
The secret to accomplishment is to start from scratch
and keep on scratching.
Many people fail because they have a WISHBONE where
they should have BACKBONE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: THAT TIME OF YEAR
"'Tis the season to be jolly",
Everyone says about this time.
To say otherwise would be folly;
Completely out of sync or rhyme.
To be jolly, we should want to give.
Give of ourselves, and that from the heart.
"To lend a hand to help others live",
For ev'ryone would be a good start.
To miser Scrooge it was "Bah, humbug",
For his attitude was very bad.
Instead of giving ev'ryone a hug,
He would make them very, very sad.
He didn't want to give a gift,
For it would cost him too much money.
He couldn't see giving gives a lift
And makes someone's life warm and sunny.
There'll always be Scrooges in the world,
But let none of us become that way.
Let the banner of joy be unfurled
Both at Christmas and ev'ry other day.
By L. B. Strawn
December 8, 1999
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had
turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blaring annoying
elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Monday, December 12, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 12th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to My Friend JP: T'was the night before-----
'Twas the night Jesus came and all through the house,
not a person was praying, not one in the house...
The Bible was left on the shelf without care,
for no one thought Jesus would ever come there...
The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
not once ever kneeling or bowing their head...
And Mom in the rocking chair with babe on her lap,
was watching the Late Show as I took a nap...
When out of the east there rose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter...
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters and lifted the sash...
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but Angels proclaiming that Jesus was here...
The light of His face made me cover my head,
it was Jesus returning just like He'd said...
And though I possess worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself...
In the Book of Life which he held in his hand,
was written the name of every saved man...
He spoke not a word as he searched for my name,
when He said "it's not here," my head hung in shame...
The people whose names had been written with love,
He gathered to take to his Father above...
With those who were ready He rose without sound,
while all of the others were left standing around...
I fell to my knees but it was too late,
I'd waited too long and thus sealed my fate...
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight,
Oh, if only I'd known that this was the night...
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear
the coming of Jesus is now drawing near...
There's only one life and when comes the last call,
We'll find out that the Bible was true after all...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to My Friend JP: T'was the night before-----
'Twas the night Jesus came and all through the house,
not a person was praying, not one in the house...
The Bible was left on the shelf without care,
for no one thought Jesus would ever come there...
The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
not once ever kneeling or bowing their head...
And Mom in the rocking chair with babe on her lap,
was watching the Late Show as I took a nap...
When out of the east there rose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter...
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters and lifted the sash...
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but Angels proclaiming that Jesus was here...
The light of His face made me cover my head,
it was Jesus returning just like He'd said...
And though I possess worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself...
In the Book of Life which he held in his hand,
was written the name of every saved man...
He spoke not a word as he searched for my name,
when He said "it's not here," my head hung in shame...
The people whose names had been written with love,
He gathered to take to his Father above...
With those who were ready He rose without sound,
while all of the others were left standing around...
I fell to my knees but it was too late,
I'd waited too long and thus sealed my fate...
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight,
Oh, if only I'd known that this was the night...
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear
the coming of Jesus is now drawing near...
There's only one life and when comes the last call,
We'll find out that the Bible was true after all...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for
a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit
of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found
his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into
the air, catches it above his head without even
looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. He yelled
with surprising forcefulness "Who stole my horse?"
No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if
my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished,
I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want
to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another
beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He
saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say
partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my friend JP: The 'Joys' of Retirement
We worked real hard for many years
So that we could retire.
We dreamed of sleeping late
And sitting by the fire.
We dreamed of long vacations,
Enjoying stage and song.
But, let me set you straight, my friends
That concept's simply wrong.
I shed my stuffy suits and ties
And the shoes that cramped my toes.
But other plans have gone astray
For this is how it goes........
My wife thought too of golden years
With grand plans of her own.
She wanted more time with the kids
But now they're gone and grown.
We downsized house and yard
So we wouldn't have that chore.
We got rid of the alarm clock
But I still wake up at four.
I get my eyes checked Monday,
She gets hers checked next day.
I go for a colon check Wednesday,
And pass her going the other way.
I have a dental appointment Thursday,
She goes to check her heart.
Friday we get prescriptions filled
And browse awhile in Wal-Mart.
Saturdays, we just stay home
And try to get paperwork right.
We can't take any overnight trips
'Cause we can't see to drive at night.
Confusion keeps us out of Sunday church
And we really do hate that....
There's nothing wrong with the restrooms,
We just can't remember where they're at.
We don't need to plan next week,
Just make sure we can drive.
And not forget where the clinics are....
We need them to survive.
So, don't build your future hopes too high,
While strolling through the clover....
That's just a typical 'retirement' week,
And.... on Monday, we start all over!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: BUMPER STICKERS TO RELATE TO
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue
You
Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.
Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn
Signal!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To
Me
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The
Next Exit
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk
Somewhere
Thanks to My Friend JP: T'was the night before-----
'Twas the night Jesus came and all through the house,
not a person was praying, not one in the house...
The Bible was left on the shelf without care,
for no one thought Jesus would ever come there...
The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
not once ever kneeling or bowing their head...
And Mom in the rocking chair with babe on her lap,
was watching the Late Show as I took a nap...
When out of the east there rose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter...
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters and lifted the sash...
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but Angels proclaiming that Jesus was here...
The light of His face made me cover my head,
it was Jesus returning just like He'd said...
And though I possess worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself...
In the Book of Life which he held in his hand,
was written the name of every saved man...
He spoke not a word as he searched for my name,
when He said "it's not here," my head hung in shame...
The people whose names had been written with love,
He gathered to take to his Father above...
With those who were ready He rose without sound,
while all of the others were left standing around...
I fell to my knees but it was too late,
I'd waited too long and thus sealed my fate...
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight,
Oh, if only I'd known that this was the night...
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear
the coming of Jesus is now drawing near...
There's only one life and when comes the last call,
We'll find out that the Bible was true after all...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to My Friend JP: T'was the night before-----
'Twas the night Jesus came and all through the house,
not a person was praying, not one in the house...
The Bible was left on the shelf without care,
for no one thought Jesus would ever come there...
The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
not once ever kneeling or bowing their head...
And Mom in the rocking chair with babe on her lap,
was watching the Late Show as I took a nap...
When out of the east there rose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter...
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters and lifted the sash...
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but Angels proclaiming that Jesus was here...
The light of His face made me cover my head,
it was Jesus returning just like He'd said...
And though I possess worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself...
In the Book of Life which he held in his hand,
was written the name of every saved man...
He spoke not a word as he searched for my name,
when He said "it's not here," my head hung in shame...
The people whose names had been written with love,
He gathered to take to his Father above...
With those who were ready He rose without sound,
while all of the others were left standing around...
I fell to my knees but it was too late,
I'd waited too long and thus sealed my fate...
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight,
Oh, if only I'd known that this was the night...
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear
the coming of Jesus is now drawing near...
There's only one life and when comes the last call,
We'll find out that the Bible was true after all...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for
a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit
of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found
his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into
the air, catches it above his head without even
looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. He yelled
with surprising forcefulness "Who stole my horse?"
No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if
my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished,
I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want
to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another
beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He
saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say
partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my friend JP: The 'Joys' of Retirement
We worked real hard for many years
So that we could retire.
We dreamed of sleeping late
And sitting by the fire.
We dreamed of long vacations,
Enjoying stage and song.
But, let me set you straight, my friends
That concept's simply wrong.
I shed my stuffy suits and ties
And the shoes that cramped my toes.
But other plans have gone astray
For this is how it goes........
My wife thought too of golden years
With grand plans of her own.
She wanted more time with the kids
But now they're gone and grown.
We downsized house and yard
So we wouldn't have that chore.
We got rid of the alarm clock
But I still wake up at four.
I get my eyes checked Monday,
She gets hers checked next day.
I go for a colon check Wednesday,
And pass her going the other way.
I have a dental appointment Thursday,
She goes to check her heart.
Friday we get prescriptions filled
And browse awhile in Wal-Mart.
Saturdays, we just stay home
And try to get paperwork right.
We can't take any overnight trips
'Cause we can't see to drive at night.
Confusion keeps us out of Sunday church
And we really do hate that....
There's nothing wrong with the restrooms,
We just can't remember where they're at.
We don't need to plan next week,
Just make sure we can drive.
And not forget where the clinics are....
We need them to survive.
So, don't build your future hopes too high,
While strolling through the clover....
That's just a typical 'retirement' week,
And.... on Monday, we start all over!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: BUMPER STICKERS TO RELATE TO
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue
You
Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.
Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn
Signal!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To
Me
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The
Next Exit
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk
Somewhere
Sunday, December 11, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 11th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This makes the DH for today a bit long, but it is in
the spirit of the season...
Deck the Malls
Deck the mall with wreaths & holly,
Fa la la, get shopping underway.
Make the shoppers' mood be jolly.
Fa la, Halloween was yesterday.
Christmas is a two-month season,
Fa la la, spend those bucks...buy, buy, buy,
Profits are the Xmas reason.
Max out all your cards, and don't ask why.
Santas in the mall are happy.
Fa la, get your Santa pictures here.
Camera lenses quickly snappy.
Natur'lly it costs--but feel the cheer.
Saving dough's not patriotic.
Fa la, just hear that old money jingle.
Who cares if the mall's chaotic?
Cap'talism's new saint is Kris Kringle.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A popular New York barber shop had a new robotic
barber installed. A fellow came in for a haircut. As
the robot began to cut his hair, it asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot
proceeded to make conversation about physics,
astronomy, investments, insurance and so on. The man
listened intently and said, "This is really cool."
Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the
robot asked him as it began the haircut, What's your
IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started
talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man
thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
Later on, a third guy came in to the barbershop. As
with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man replied, 58. The robot then said,
"So, I understand you Democrats are really excited
about Hillary running for president?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't pass up a blonde joke -- even if we saw it last
year... From SportsJokes: TOP 10 BLONDE INVENTIONS
1. Water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat on a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and
upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and
ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all
together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret
that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your
photo and return the others."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a
borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions
that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet
owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent
years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):
* "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it
okay for her to eat it?" -- mother, Staten Island, N.Y.
* "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"
-- dog owner, Arlington, Tex.
* "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- dog owner, Cambridge,
Mass.
* "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a
vitamin B deficiency?" -- dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.
* "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog
food?" -- dog owner, Anchorage, Ak.
* "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his
character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog
owner, Richmond, Va.
* "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso,
Tex.
* "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig
owner, Vero Beach, Fla.
* "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I
sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.
* "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami,
Fla.
* "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them
home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new
kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.
* "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet
owner, Ephrata, Wash.
* "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat
magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom,
Englewood, Ohio.
* "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's
teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif.
* "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long
Barn, Ohio.
* "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif.
* "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a
tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.
"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a
straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer
Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the
time, we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help
pet owners with their questions, so however strange those
questions may seem, we try our best to answer them."
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This makes the DH for today a bit long, but it is in
the spirit of the season...
Deck the Malls
Deck the mall with wreaths & holly,
Fa la la, get shopping underway.
Make the shoppers' mood be jolly.
Fa la, Halloween was yesterday.
Christmas is a two-month season,
Fa la la, spend those bucks...buy, buy, buy,
Profits are the Xmas reason.
Max out all your cards, and don't ask why.
Santas in the mall are happy.
Fa la, get your Santa pictures here.
Camera lenses quickly snappy.
Natur'lly it costs--but feel the cheer.
Saving dough's not patriotic.
Fa la, just hear that old money jingle.
Who cares if the mall's chaotic?
Cap'talism's new saint is Kris Kringle.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A popular New York barber shop had a new robotic
barber installed. A fellow came in for a haircut. As
the robot began to cut his hair, it asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot
proceeded to make conversation about physics,
astronomy, investments, insurance and so on. The man
listened intently and said, "This is really cool."
Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the
robot asked him as it began the haircut, What's your
IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started
talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man
thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
Later on, a third guy came in to the barbershop. As
with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man replied, 58. The robot then said,
"So, I understand you Democrats are really excited
about Hillary running for president?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't pass up a blonde joke -- even if we saw it last
year... From SportsJokes: TOP 10 BLONDE INVENTIONS
1. Water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat on a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and
upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and
ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all
together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret
that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your
photo and return the others."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a
borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions
that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet
owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent
years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):
* "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it
okay for her to eat it?" -- mother, Staten Island, N.Y.
* "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"
-- dog owner, Arlington, Tex.
* "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- dog owner, Cambridge,
Mass.
* "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a
vitamin B deficiency?" -- dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.
* "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog
food?" -- dog owner, Anchorage, Ak.
* "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his
character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog
owner, Richmond, Va.
* "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso,
Tex.
* "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig
owner, Vero Beach, Fla.
* "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I
sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.
* "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami,
Fla.
* "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them
home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new
kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.
* "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet
owner, Ephrata, Wash.
* "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat
magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom,
Englewood, Ohio.
* "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's
teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif.
* "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long
Barn, Ohio.
* "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif.
* "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a
tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.
"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a
straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer
Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the
time, we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help
pet owners with their questions, so however strange those
questions may seem, we try our best to answer them."
Saturday, December 10, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his
mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially
when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom's Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade
tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine
patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids
(in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that
don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming
toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a
waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult
music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing
talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind
the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says,
"Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one
potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I
could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking
stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making
the In-law's house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a
few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be
too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my
conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
visit your group on the web, go to:
X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops...
A young executive was working late, trying to impress
his boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., he
found the CEO standing in front of the document
shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document, and my secretary left hours ago.
Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. Excited with
the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the
machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't know
what I would have done without you."
As his paper disappeared inside the machine the
relieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vern & Dottie Allen
* Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.
* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and precious
promises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit."
* Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well
as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my three
previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management
as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage.
- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that
arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain operation.
Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his
mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially
when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom's Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade
tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine
patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids
(in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that
don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming
toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a
waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult
music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing
talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind
the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says,
"Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one
potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I
could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking
stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making
the In-law's house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a
few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be
too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my
conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
visit your group on the web, go to:
X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops...
A young executive was working late, trying to impress
his boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., he
found the CEO standing in front of the document
shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document, and my secretary left hours ago.
Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. Excited with
the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the
machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't know
what I would have done without you."
As his paper disappeared inside the machine the
relieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vern & Dottie Allen
* Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.
* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and precious
promises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit."
* Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well
as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my three
previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management
as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage.
- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that
arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain operation.
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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