Christian hUMOR

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 6th

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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (An old favorite) -- Youmight be from a small town if...1. You can name everyone you graduated with.2. You know what FFA is.3. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or inthe middle of a dirt road.4. Your idea of a FUN weekend was riding aroundparking lots because that is where EVERYBODY was.5. Your idea of an EXCITING weekend was watching afight in the parking lot.6. You swore at someone and your parents knew withinthe hour.7. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.8. School gets canceled for city, county, or stateevents.9. You were ever in the Homecoming parade.10. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.11. Everyone thought it was really cool to datesomeone from the neighboring town.12. You had senior skip day.13. The whole school went to the same party aftergraduation.14. You don't give directions by street names, butinstead like this: Turn right by Nelson's house, gotwo blocks east past Anderson's, and it's four housesleft of the track field.15. The country club golf course had only 9 holes. (Orthere wasn't even one.)16. You can't help but date a friendsex-boyfriend/girlfriend.17. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980as the "rich people".18. The people in the city dress funny, then your townpicks up on the trend a few years later.19. You bragged to your friends because you got pipeson your truck for your birthday.20. Anyone you want can be found at either the DairyQueen or the feed store.21. You see at least one friend a week driving atractor through town.22. The football coach suggested that you haul hay forthe summer to get stronger.23. Directions are given using "the" stoplight as areference.24. The city council meets at the coffee shop.25. Your "letter jacket" was worn after your 19thbirthday.26. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5people pull over and ask if you need a ride.27. Your teachers call you by your older siblings'names.28. Your teachers remember when they taught yourparents.29. The closest Taco Bell or Burger King is at least30 miles away.30. So is the closest shopping mall.31. It is normal to see an old man riding through townon a riding lawnmower.32. You have a good laugh reading this because youknow they're all true.
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Great story from PW: Sand & StoneA story tells that two friends were walking throughthe desert. During some point of the journey they hadan argument, and one friend slapped the other one inthe face. The one who got slapped was hurt, butwithout saying anything, wrote in the sand: "TODAY MYBEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE."They kept on walking until they found an oasis, wherethey decided to take a bath. The one who had beenslapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning,but the friend saved him. After he recovered from thenear drowning, he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BESTFRIEND SAVED MY LIFE."The friend who had slapped and saved his best friendasked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sandand now, you write on a stone, why?" The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us weshould write it down in sand where winds offorgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone doessomething good for us, we must engrave it in stonewhere no wind can ever erase it."WE SHOULD ALL LEARN TO WRITE OUR HURTS IN THE SAND ANDCARVE OUR BLESSINGS IN STONE.
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Thanks to LBS: What It Means To Be Poor...One day a father of a very wealthy family took his sonon a trip to the country with the firm purpose ofshowing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm ofwhat would be considered a very poor family.On their return from their trip, the father asked hisson, "How was the trip?""It was great, Dad.""Did you see how poor people can be?" the fatherasked."Oh Yeah" said the son."So what did you learn from the trip?" asked thefather.The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and theyhad four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle ofour garden and they have a creek that has no end. Wehave imported lanterns in our garden and they have thestars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yardand they have the whole horizon. We have a small pieceof land to live on and they have fields that go beyondour sight. We have servants who serve us, but theyserve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs.We have walls around our property to protect us, theyhave friends to protect them." With this the boy's father was speechless. Then hisson added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor weare."Too many times we forget what we have and concentrateon what we don't have. What is one person's worthlessobject is another's prize possession. It is all basedon one's perspective. Makes you wonder what wouldhappen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty wehave, instead of worrying about wanting more. Take joyin all you have, especially your friends.
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hUMOR For Dec. 6th

Monday, December 05, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 5th

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Who's Your Daddy
While the family was sitting around the dinner table, Jennifer, 5, turned to her brother Andy, 3, and pointed to her dad. "That's not your real father," she said, startling the whole family.
"Yes, he is!" Andy replied.
"No, he's not," Jennifer insisted. "God is your heavenly father."
Then pointing at her dad, she said, "That's your homely father!"
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: you lived thru it"I Can't Believe You Made It" !If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or70's.Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have livedas long as we have...As children, we would ride in cars with no seat beltsor air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on awarm day was always a special treat.Our baby cribs were covered with bright coloredlead-based paint. We had no childproof lids onmedicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rodeour bikes, we had no helmets.(Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)We drank water from the garden hose and not from abottle. Horrors.We would spend hours building our go-carts out ofscraps and then rode down the hill, only to find outwe forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes afew times we learned to solve the problem.We would leave home in the morning and play all day,as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.No one was able to reach us all day.No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodgeball andsometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut andbroke bones and broke teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. Noone was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?We had fights and punched each other and got black andblue and learned to get over it.We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugarsoda but we were never overweight...we were alwaysoutside playing. We shared one grape soda with fourfriends, from one bottle and no one died from this.We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes,video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tapemovies, surround sound, personal cell phones, PersonalComputers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. Wewent outside and found them. We rode bikes or walkedto a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rungthe bell or just walked in and talked to them.Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! Byourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Withouta guardian. How did we do it?We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ateworms and although we were told it would happen, wedid not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms liveinside us forever.Little League had tryouts and not everyone made theteam. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal withdisappointment..... Some students weren't as smart asothers so they failed a grade and were held back torepeat the same grade.....Horrors. Tests were notadjusted for any reason.Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing usout if we broke a law was unheard of. They actuallysided with the law, imagine that!This generation has produced some of the bestrisk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovationand new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success andresponsibility, and we learned how to deal with itall.And you're one of them.Congratulations!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

whUMOR For Dec. 4th

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Traveling Light?

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the
airline check-in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of
luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"

"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.

"No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
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Lost in Bookstore
A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"
Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."
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CleanQuote.
"It is not possible to have reasonable grounds for not believing in miracles." - Pascal
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Here is today's Illustration. - Respect
While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered.
But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time. Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and center. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"
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Speedy Comeback

The police officer got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped
for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.

The kid replied, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."

When the officer finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
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Did I read that sign correctly?

In a Deptartment Store:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR!

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh.
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Three guys, all diehard fans, were at a football game. They finally found a seats good enough for them, but there was just one problem with these so called "perfect seats." Three nuns were in front of them blocking their view.
The guys wanted them to move so one said, loud enough for the nuns to hear, "Hey I think I'll move to Idaho. There are only 100 Catholics there."
The second one said, "No I'm gonna move to Montana. There are only 50 Catholics living there."
Then the third guy said, "You two are both wrong. We should move to Wisconsin. There are only 25 Catholics there."
Then one of the nuns turned around and said, "Hey why don't you go to hell... there aren't any Catholics there!"

Saturday, December 03, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 3rd.

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Painting the Living RoomI'd been hired to paint a woman's living room, but every time I put another coat of paint on the walls, my client changed her mind about the color. After the third time, it still wasn't right. So back to the paint store I went.As I painted the fourth coat on, she commented, "It seems like you're painting faster."I replied, "No, the room's actually gotten smaller."
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/* The server was down for about a day and a half because oftechnical issues and for updates. I think we have solved allthe problems now. Thanks for your patience! */Still living at home, bored, and expecting to inherit afortune when his sickly widower father died, Robert decidedhe needed a woman to keep him company.So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until hespotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Rightnow, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up toher, "but within a month or two, my father will pass awayand I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman wenthome with Robert that night.And four days later, she became his stepmother.Some men never learn...
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Two dirty bums were walking down the street and stopped at a red light. A catholic priest with his arm in a cast was waiting to cross. "Hey, man," asked one, "what happened?"
"I fell in the bathtub and broke my arm," replied the padre.
One bum turned to the other and asked, "What's a bathtub?"
The other replied, "How do I know, I'm not a Catholic."
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Delivery Suspicion
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"A magazine recently published that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were not counted....how can they know that?"
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Attendance Deal
A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.
Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said:
"I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."
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Thanks to LBS: LessonsI've learned.... That the best classroom in the worldis at the feet of an elderly person.I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.I've learned.... That just one person saying to me,"You've made my day!" makes my day.I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep inyour arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in theworld.I've learned.... That being kind is more importantthan being right.I've learned.... That you should never say "no" to agift from a child.I've learned.... That I can always pray for someonewhen I don't have the strength to help him in someother way.I've learned.... That no matter how serious your liferequires you to be, everyone needs a friend to actgoofy with.I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs isa hand to hold and a heart to understand.I've learned.... That simple walks with my fatheraround the block on summer nights when I was a childdid wonders for me as an adult.I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toiletpaper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster itgoes.I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn'tgive us everything we ask for.I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class. I've learned.... That it's those small dailyhappenings that make life so spectacular.I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell issomeone who wants to be appreciated and loved.I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in oneday. What makes me think I can?I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does notchange the facts.I've learned.... That when you plan to get even withsomeone, you are only letting that person continue tohurt you.I've learned.... That love, not time, heals allwounds.I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to growas a person is to surround myself with people smarterthan I am.I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter thansleeping with your babies and feeling their breath onyour cheeks.I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fallin love with them.I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost;someone will take the ones you miss.I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness,happiness will dock elsewhere.I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Dadthat I love him one more time before he passed away.I've learned.... That one should keep his words bothsoft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eatthem.I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way toimprove your looks.I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but Ican choose what I do about it.I've learned.... That when your newly born child holdsyour little finger in his little fist, that you'rehooked for life.I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top ofthe mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurswhile you're climbing it.I've learned ... That it is best to give advice inonly two circumstances; when it is requested and whenit is a life threatening situation.I've learned.... That the less time I have to workwith, the more things I get done.

Friday, December 02, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 2nd

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Please note that there is nowhere any indication the caller was blonde!!!!

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anthing about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was dying with laughter. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

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What Were Those Things?As a computer technician, I had just finished a big push, and finally had a little slack time. So I decided to catch up on a small but long-overdue task: copying archived files from some old floppy disks to CD's.There were several dozen 5-1/4-inch disks piled up on my desk. I was busily working my way through these when the new, young IT student came up to me and put some object right down in the middle of my desk."Guess what this is?" the student asked.I like interesting gadgets so I picked it up to look at it. It's a heavy 4-inch cube, apparently made of solid metal, with a large rod sticking out one side."I don't know," I said. "Tell me.""It's a neodymium magnet. The world's most powerful magnet," student said. "It uses rare metals. Look, you can actually switch it on and off just by moving the rod, which combines the metals."Before I could say anything, the student moved the switch. The magnet stuck tight to the metal surface of the desk, which the student demonstrated by trying to pull it off the desk with both hands.He finally got it loose. But by then I'm staring in horror. The monitor on my desk has turned all the colors of the rainbow due to him waving this big magnet about. I shouted at him to take it away from me!But it was too late. Most of the old floppies were wiped or badly corrupted.The student had never seen 5-1/4-inch floppies before, so he didn't realize what they were. It took me a month to recover as much as possible with a disk editor.I did have a laugh, though. The magnet had also wiped all of the magnetic strips on the student's credit cards.
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Thanks to Kittyspann:"It is impossible to rightly govern the world withoutGod and the Bible." - George Washington (NOTE: Butwhat does he know, right? After all, he never watchedCNN... ts)
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From StanKegel: Politically Correct 3 Little PigsOnce there were 3 little pigs who lived together inmutual respect and in harmony with their environment.Using materials that were indigenous to the area theyeach built a beautiful house. One pig built a house ofstraw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung,clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked ina small kiln.When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied withtheir work and settled back to live in peace andself-determination.But their idyll was soon shattered.One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionistideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both aphysical and ideological sense.When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the houseof straw.The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door,shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold nofear for pigs defending their homes and culture."But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought washis manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blewdown the house of straw.The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, withthe wolf in hot pursuit.Where the house had stood, other wolves bought up theland and started a banana plantation.At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on thedoor and shouted, "Little, pigs, little pigs, let mein!"The pigs shouted back, "Go away, you carnivorous,imperialistic oppressor!"At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down thehouse of sticks.The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolfclose at their heels.Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolvesbuilt a time- share condo resort complex forvacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglassreconstruction of the house of sticks, as well asnative curio shops, snorkeling and dolphin shows.At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on thedoor and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let mein!"This time in response, the pigs sang songs ofsolidarity and wrote letters of protest to the UnitedNations.By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs'refusal to see the situation from the carnivore'spoint of view.So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, thengrabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massiveheart attack brought on from eating too many fattyfoods.The three little pigs rejoiced that justice hadtriumphed and did a little dance around the corpse ofthe wolf.Their next step was to liberate their homeland.They gathered together a band of other pigs who hadbeen forced off their lands.This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resortcomplex with machine-guns and rocket launchers andslaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clearsignal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle intheir internal affairs.Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy withfree education, universal health care and affordablehousing for everyone.Please note: The wolf in this story was ametaphorical construct. No actual wolves were harmedin the writing of the story.
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The Company Car
The Company Car...
1. It accelerates at a phenominal rate.
2. It has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
3. It can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
4. The battery , radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
5. The floor is cunningly designed to double as an ashtray.
6. It does not need to be kept under shelter at night.
7. It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
8. It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
9. The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
11. It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
12. It is the only type of car able to leave the road in game reserves and chase after animals in the bush for a closer look.
13. It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday." - Senator John Glenn
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Here is today's Illustration. - Fear
Our three-year-old daughter, Jenna, was having trouble sleeping through the night, waking up because she was afraid. Each time as I re-tucked her into bed, I would remind her that Jesus was with her and he would keep her safe.
The sleepless nights continued, with Abby seeking comfort in our bedroom. Finally, one night, I asked her if she had prayed for Jesus to take her fear away and help her fall asleep.
"Oh, yes," she assured me. "He told me to come and get you."

Thursday, December 01, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 1st

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~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
~ I prefer to remain an enigma.
~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
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New Boots
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Why does the label on Children?s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles?"
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Patient Request
The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . ."
"What makes you think you need all these?"
Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."
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One blonde was painting the ceiling as the otherpainted the walls of the room."Got a good grip on your brush?" asked the firstblonde. "Sure," said the other blonde. "Well, hold on tight. I'm taking away the ladder!"
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"What time does the library open?" the man on thephone asked."Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea ofcalling me at home in the middle of the night to ask aquestion like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointedvoice. "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian repeated again"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly."I want to get out."******************************************************A little old lady is sitting on a park bench. A manwalks over and sits down on the other end of thebench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you astranger here?"He replies, "I used to live here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?""In prison," he says."For what did they put you in prison?" He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed mywife.""Oh....." says the woman. "So... you're single...?"
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One day in the forest, three animals were discussingwho among them was the most powerful."I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoopdown swiftly at my prey.""That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am notonly fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws.""I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "becausewith a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two ofyou."Just then a huge girzzly bear lumbered out of theforest and settled the entire debate by eating themall. . . hawk, lion, and stinker."
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One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter
line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and
watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket. "How are the
three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the
Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down but the three
Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train ! departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please. The
door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on. The Yankees saw this happen and
agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do
the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single
ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the
three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.

"How, on earth, are you going to travel without a ticket! ?" asked a
perplexed Yankee. "Watch and learn," answered the three grinning Southern
boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves
into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just
down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the
Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the
Yankees were hiding.

The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

Now, there's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees
won the war!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 30th

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Thanksgiving in the UKA few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK."Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September.""Why then?""That's when you chaps left."
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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with onedrummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,but his performance simply didn't improve.Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When amusician just can't handle his instrument and doesn'timprove when given help, they take away the instrument, givehim two sticks, and make him a drummer."A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "Andif he can't handle even that, they take away one of hissticks and make him a conductor."
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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with onedrummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,but his performance simply didn't improve.Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When amusician just can't handle his instrument and doesn'timprove when given help, they take away the instrument, givehim two sticks, and make him a drummer."A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "Andif he can't handle even that, they take away one of hissticks and make him a conductor."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is." - Will Rogers
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Here is today's Illustration. - Knowledge
The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
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(Roughing It) - with the punch line!
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.
"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.
She replied, "You."
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Some Puns...Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisysays to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated thismorning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true," exclaimed Daisy, "No bull!" ***** An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kidswere nothing to look at either. ***** A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "Mydog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do forhim?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." Sohe picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checkshis teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have toput him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." *****I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other daybut I couldn't find any. *****I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the topshelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." *****I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. *****What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. *****Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"*****Grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender says "Hey,we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "That's stupid. Who'd want adrink named Larry?"
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Some Puns...Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisysays to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated thismorning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true," exclaimed Daisy, "No bull!" ***** An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kidswere nothing to look at either. ***** A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "Mydog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do forhim?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." Sohe picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checkshis teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have toput him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." *****I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other daybut I couldn't find any. *****I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the topshelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." *****I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. *****What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. *****Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"*****Grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender says "Hey,we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "That's stupid. Who'd want adrink named Larry?"
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AllergiesA little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"The girl said, "I don't know. I don't eat cats."

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

hUMOR FOR Nov. 29th

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Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with ablast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the newfriends he'd meet, and so on.When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and cameback home with a lot of glowing reports about school.The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked,"What for?" She told him it was time to get ready forschool."What? Again?" he asked.
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A man goes to see the Pastor.
"Pastor, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Pastor asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Pastor, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Pastor then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Pastor calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Pastor replied, "Take the poison."
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A man goes to see the Pastor.
"Pastor, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Pastor asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Pastor, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Pastor then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Pastor calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Pastor replied, "Take the poison."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"There was once a movie entitled, "How to Irritate People." It is obviously the employee training film at my local bank."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"There was once a movie entitled, "How to Irritate People." It is obviously the employee training film at my local bank."
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You know you live on the Gulf Coast if...You have FEMA's number on your speed dial.You have more than 20 C and D batteries in yourkitchen drawer.Your pantry contains more than 10 cans ofSpaghetti-Os.You are thinking of repainting your house to match theplywood covering your windows.You are delighted to pay only $3 for a gallon ofunleaded.The road leading to your house has been declared a"No-wake Zone"You decide that your patio furniture looks better onthe bottom of the pool.You own more than three large coolers.You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricaneand not feel the least bit guilty about it.Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain;Today you can assemble a portable generator bycandlelight.You catch a 5-pound catfish.......in your driveway.You can recite from memory whole portions of yourhomeowners' insurance policy.At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guywith the biggest chainsaw.You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.There is a roll of tar paper in your garage. You can rattle off the names of three or moremeteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.Someone comes to your door to tell you they found yourroof.Ice is a valid topic of conversation.Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such acrazy idea.
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Some Puns...1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and getmarried. The ceremony wasn't much, but the receptionwas excellent. 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a cafe. One says,"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." 3. A jumper cable walks into a cafe. The cook says,"I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 4. A sandwich walks into an auto parts store. Theclerk says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." 5. A man walks into a cafe with a slab of asphaltunder his arm and says, "A sandwich please, and onefor the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to theother, "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grassof Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."
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Another loving jab at blondes... :Two men were out hunting. They decided to separate toget a better chance of catching something.The first man said to the other, "If you get lost,fire three shots into the air every hour. That way Ican locate you."After about 3 hours, the second man found that he wasreally lost. He decided to fire three shots into theair as the first man had told him. He then waited anhour and did it again. He repeated this until he wasout of ammo.The next morning, the first man found the second withthe help of forest rangers. He asked the first man ifhe had done what he told him to do.The man answered, "Yes, I fired three shots into theair every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

Monday, November 28, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 28th

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Ride To Church
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
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A Favorite... A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyedand upset when his girl wrote to break off theirengagement and ask for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all theunwanted photographs of women that he could find,bundled them all together, and sent them back with anote saying, "I regret that I cannot remember whichone you are. Please keep your photo and return theothers."
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MOTHERS SAID:PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you thinkyou have to go, young man. Midnight is past yourcurfew!"MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind youhaving a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growingunder your bed?"MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your fatherand I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smileyou can give us?"HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told youonce, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on thatwall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you'vediscovered, Christopher. You still could havewritten!"BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I toldyou--quit playing ball in the house! That's the thirdbroken window this week!"MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on wallslike other children? Do you have any idea how hard itis to get that stuff off the ceiling?"NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren'thiding your report card inside your jacket, then takeyour hand out of there and prove it!"CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I toldyou--don't go biting off more than you can chew!"ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipehat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like theother kids?" BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are yourfavorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a littlepurple."MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followedyou to school, Mary, but I would like to know how hegot a better grade than you."BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do yourealize how much the insurance is going to be?"GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a bustedchair from the Bear family. You know anything aboutthis, Goldie?"LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got tosay is if you don't get off your tuffet and startcleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spidersaround here!"ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's yoursenior picture. Can't you do something about yourhair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch youthrowing money across the Potomac, you can kiss yourallowance good-bye!"JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell mewhere you've really been for the last three days."SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I havediscussed it, and we've decided you can have your owntelephone line. Now will you quit spending so muchtime in all those phone booths?"THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that youinvented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn offthat light and get to bed!"
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The Old PoodleA wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking herfaithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a lookof terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey?!?! I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"Moral of this story is "Don't mess with old farts ... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience!
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CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?Charismatic : Only 1Hands are already in the air.Pentecostal : 10One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.Presbyterians : NoneLights will go on and off at predestined times.Roman Catholic : NoneCandles only.Baptists: At least 15.One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken .Episcopalians: 3One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.Mormons : 5One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.Unitarians :We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have foundthat light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.Methodists : Undetermined Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.Nazarene :6One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.Lutherans: NoneLutherans don't believe in change.Amish :What's a light bulb?"You don't always get a second chance. Don't die wondering!"
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A Quick Fix...Three women were sitting around and bragging abouttheir children. The first one says, "You know, my songraduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now adoctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."The second woman says, "You know my son graduatedfirst in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer,making half a million dollars a year and lives in LosAngeles."The last woman says, "You know my son; he never didtoo well in school. He never went to any university,but he now makes one million dollars a year in NewYork working as a sports repairman."The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"The woman then replies, "Oh, he fixes games... youknow, hockey games, football games, baseballgames...."
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Building A Bridge (don't get all upset -- it is just ajoke. Folks are touchy these days, but here on DH welaugh at ourselves and everyone else. It keeps usyoung... or something like that. ts)The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation.A group of them got together and approached aconference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese andasked for help on this matter.An American replied, "You must do something so theworld will respect you. The Japanese are known fortheir technology and the Germans are known for theirresourcefulness. We Americans have had respect sincewe helped win the World War against the other two.See, you need to do something world-famous."A German added, "Yes, he's right. Why don't you find aplace in this world in need of a bridge that no onehas dared build, build it, come back to us, and wewill help publicize it."With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge.They designed it and worked six months and finallycompleted it. They then went back to report it to thegroup. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it hadone flaw: it was erected in the middle of the SaharaDesert.An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you haveyour reputation. There is no need for a bridge in themiddle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, andfind a more strategic spot to erect it."The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks.One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took youtwo weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a newone??? That is amazing!!"To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly.When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantleit because there were all these Italians fishing offit."
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Signs Your Church Has Sold Out To Big CorporateSponsors:- Nike "swoosh" on the cross- Communion now sponsored by Welch's Grape Juice- Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements- In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke.- Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench- Personal pew licenses now sold- Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World- Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep- The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters- Scripture verses brought to you by Windows '98- Preacher doing subliminal product messages duringsermon - Bulletin has coupon section- Choir members wear Dockers instead of robes.- In the restrooms, an attendant hands you a towel- There is a credit card swiper on the collectionplate- Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercardemblems on them - Handicap parking sponsored by the Family MedicalGroup, LLC - Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC- Sunday morning televised services sponsored by theFOX network - Church vans traded in for Ford Broncos- Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes- Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front- Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo- Free Perrier at all baptism- Church flag football team sponsored byt he XFL.
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A Seasonal Extra -- The Twelve Nights of HalloweenOn the first night of Halloween My true love gave tome... A vulture in a dead tree!On the second night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Two flying bats And a vulture in a dead tree!On the third night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulturein a dead tree!On the fourth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flyingbats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the fifth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Threeblack cats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a deadtree!On the sixth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS,Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats,And a vulture in a dead tree!On the seventh night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting,Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three blackcats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the eighth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking,Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Fourhooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And avulture in a dead tree!On the ninth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting,Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, FiveTRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats,Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the tenth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling,Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Sixghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hootingowls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulturein a dead tree!On the eleventh night of Halloween My true love gaveto me... Eleven witches brewing, Ten spiders spinning,Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Sevendoors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, FiveTRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats,Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the twelfth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Twelve pumpkins grinning, Eleven witchesbrewing, Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling,Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Sixghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hootingowls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulturein a dead tree!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 27th

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Farewell Luncheon
The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague.
As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.
My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral procession.
There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its bright red farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."
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CleanQuote.
"How you lose or keep your hair depends on how wisely you choose your parents." - Edward R. Nida
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Guidance
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is trusting that she will not lead him astray.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God.
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Guidance
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.
Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is trusting that she will not lead him astray.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 26th

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One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in adesperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Issomething wrong?""Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving storyis in the Old Testament or New Testament!"---Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received aThanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family ontheir way to church. Grandma showed the card to her smallgrandchildren, observing, "The Pilgrim children liked to goto church with their mothers and fathers.""Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dadcarrying that rifle?"---Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousandsof miles to be with people they see only once a year. Andthen they discover that once a year is way too often.---Father, bless us according to our thankLESSness, lest Thoubless us according to our thankfulness, and we starve.
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A lady tourist noticed the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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A lady tourist noticed the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says "Pretend it's your IQ."
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CleanPun. - Take Out Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.
While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "?they're complimentary."
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Take A Break and LaughA frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. Hecan see from her nameplate that her name is PatriciaWhack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take aholiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief andasks his name. The frog says his name is KermitJagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, heknows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loanwith some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I havethis," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, aboutan inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have toconsult with the bank manager and disappears into aback office. She finds the manager and says, "There'sa frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims toknow you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants touse this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what inthe world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it,aren't you?) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, yougrinned, I know you did!!!
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Ode to ThanksgivingThanksgiving is upon us, that special time of the year when the whole house gets to be clean at the same time because approximately 100,000 relatives are about to descend to eat a turkey dinner in 20 minutes that took 3 days to prepare, and 5 minutes after they arrive the house looks worse than it did before you spent 3 weeks and several hundred dollars to clean it, shine it, dust it, mop it, wax it, vacuum it, de-cobweb it, wash it's windows, scrub it's carpets, not to mention sanitizing the penicillin experiments that magically appear in it's bathrooms and kitchen, mount an investigation to find out what is taking up all the space in the fridge and throw it all away to make room for $500-worth of groceries so the kids can stand in front of it's open door and whine, "There's never anything to EAT in this house", and above all, banish all the JUNK to the 3-car garage that never has and probably never will have an actual car living in it! But seriously, there are many blessings to be thankful for and I am mindful of many: the love of friends and family, stable employment, good health, and a roof over our heads. However, this year there is one thing I will be especially thankful for - when all is said and done and washed and scrubbed and cooked and put away - I will be thankful that it's OVER!

Friday, November 25, 2005

hUMOR For Novembe 25th

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12 Reasons you’ll be glad you burnt the turkey

1. Salmonella won't be a concern.2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gainnewfound appreciation.5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.6. No one will overeat.7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascularworkout.9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard andplay football.11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likelyhe will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
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Turkey Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,I ate too much pudding and pie.I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.But I wish I had known when to stop,For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jamsThat my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes My stomach is swollen and sore,But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if I eat just a little bit more!
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Never give the devil a ride; he will always want to drive."
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Here is today's Illustration. - Sentiment
I guess I must have been poking through the cards for an awful long time, lingering from one card to another, because the clerk in the Hallmark store came over and said, "Sir, is there a problem?"
"Yeah," I sighed, "I can't find one my wife will believe."
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Thanksgiving PrayerMy family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)
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Thanksgiving PrayerMy family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)
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I just love this one... (ts)Things to Do in an Elevator1) When there's only one other person in the elevator,tap him on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn'tyou.2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.Smile, and go back for more.3) Ask if you can push the button for other people,but push the wrong ones.4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone andask if they know what floor you're on.5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for afriend. After a while, let the doors close, and say,"Hi Greg. How's your day been?"6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick itup, then scream, "That's mine!"7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in theelevator.8) Move your desk into the elevator and wheneveranyone gets on, ask if he has an appointment.9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if theywould like to play.10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone getson, ask him if he can hear ticking.11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and reviewemergency procedures and exits with the passengers.12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing himoccasionally.14) When the doors close, announce to the others,"It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"15) Swat at flies that don't exist.16) Tell people that you can see their aura.17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead andmuttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and whilepeering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner,facing the wall, without getting off.20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, thenannounce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and backaway slowly.21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk tothe other passengers.22) Listen to the elevator walls with yourstethoscope.23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses abutton.24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while,and then announce, "I have new socks on."25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk andannounce to the other passengers, "This is MY personalspace!"
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I Am Thankful........for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed....for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends....for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat....for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine....for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home....for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech....for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking....for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear....for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear....for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive....for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive....for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.
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I Am Thankful........for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed....for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends....for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat....for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine....for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home....for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech....for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking....for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear....for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear....for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive....for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive....for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 24th

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/* Apparently Monday's joke was from from Something BIG HasBeen Here written by Jack Pruletsky. Thanks to those thatpointed this out to us. */Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?A: He was stuffed!Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?A: Because he had the drumsticks!Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?A: The first time they heard America sneeze.Knock, knock.Who's there?Gladys.Gladys who?Gladys Thanksgiving!!!May your stuffing be tasty;May your turkey be plump,May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious,May your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinnerStay off of your thighs.
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/* Apparently Monday's joke was from from Something BIG HasBeen Here written by Jack Pruletsky. Thanks to those thatpointed this out to us. */Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?A: He was stuffed!Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?A: Because he had the drumsticks!Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?A: The first time they heard America sneeze.Knock, knock.Who's there?Gladys.Gladys who?Gladys Thanksgiving!!!May your stuffing be tasty;May your turkey be plump,May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious,May your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinnerStay off of your thighs.Received from ladyjjoke.
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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Willie loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time, standing at the table. Gus looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws and Harry picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Harry goes over to the Willie's apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Harry declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
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Pillar Interruption
The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt.
Suddenly Jimmy interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Skunk
A skunk family was cornered by a pack of wolves.
The mama skunk said to her babies, "Let us spray."
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As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to thosefirst-time turkey cookers...One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister'shousefor the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible mysisteris, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sisterthatshe needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of theoven,removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen andinserted itinto the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She thenplacedthe bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled theturkey outof the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. Whenherserving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulledoutthe little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my motherexclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At thereality ofthis horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her thatturkeyslay eggs!
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Sick Husband...A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sentto thehospital.The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man'swife. Hesaid, "Your husband has been suffering from seriousstress.If immediate action is not taken, he could die in averyshort time."The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-freeenvironmentin your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderfulmealsfor him every day. Also, you must be sure that youdon't naghim or stress him in any way."On the drive home from the hospital, her husbandasked, "Sowhat's wrong with me, honey?"The woman paused for a moment and then replied,"Sorry,honey, but you're going to die."
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Thanks to J & G B -- Bad News (Just a joke)Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President, George W.Bush, his daily briefing. He concludes by saying,"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.""OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,nervously watching as the president sits, head inhands.Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many isa brazillion?"
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Especially for Ken...What Language Are We Speaking Here???The European Union commissioners have announced thatagreement has been reached to adopt English as thepreferred language for European communications, ratherthan German, which was the other possibility. As partof the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government concededthat English spelling had some room for improvementand has accepted a five-year phased plan for what willbe known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).European officials have often pointed out that Englishspelling is unnecessarily difficult -- for example,cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What isclearly needed is a phased program of changes to ironout these anomalies. The program would, of course, beadministered by a committee staff at top level byparticipating nations.In the first year, for example, the committee wouldsuggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly,sivil servants in all sities would resieve this newswith joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not onlywould this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikalworkers, but typewriters kould be made with one lessletter.There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekondyear, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph'would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make wordslike 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the newspelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where morekomplikated shanges are possible. Governments wouldenkourage the removal of double letters, which havealways been a deterent to akurate speling.We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e'sin the languag is disgrasful. Therfor we kould dropthes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothinghad hapend. By this tim it would be four years sinsthe skem began and peopl would be reseptive to stepssutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen zefunktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is,after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similararguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations ofleters.Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventulihav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zervud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud finit ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermntvud finali hav kum tru.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 23rd

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Grandfather TurkeyJust before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
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As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to thosefirst-time turkey cookers...One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's housefor the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sisteris, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister thatshe needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted itinto the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placedthe bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey outof the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When herserving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled outthe little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality ofthis horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeyslay eggs!
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Message Puzzle
April was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family, and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."
We were talking about something else and I had her check her voice mail message to find something out. She discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle.
Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so, please leave a beep after the message."
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Here is today's Illustration. - Thankfulness, Thanksgiving
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
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The turkey shot out of the ovenThe turkey shot out of the ovenand rocketed into the air,it knocked every plate off the tableand partly demolished a chair.It ricocheted into a corner andburst with a deafening boom,then splattered all over the kitchen,completely obscuring the room.It stuck to the walls and the windows,it totally coated the floor,there was turkey attached to the ceiling,where there'd never been turkey before.It blanketed every appliance,it smeared every saucer and bowl,there wasn't a way I could stop it,that turkey was out of control.I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,and thought with chagrin as I mopped,that I'd never again stuff a turkeywith popcorn that hadn't been popped.
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Thanks to L.M. for these:When I was a child, my family's menu consisted of twochoices: take it or leave it.Cheer up; birds have bills too, but they keep onsinging.We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.No one is more unhappy than he who never had bad luck,He could never test himself.Everything now seems to be under Federal controlexcept the National debt and the budget.Eventually every woman reaches the age when shedoesn't want any birthdays but still wants thepresents.There are times that parenthood seems like nothing butfeeding the mouth that bites you.It is better to nobly remembered than to be noblyborn.Life is a play; tis not its length, but itsperformance that counts.A man that doesn't make mistakes doesn't do anything.Is a scholarly debate feud for thought?The only time that a woman really changes a man iswhen he is a baby.Some people don't tolerate intolerance.Children have more need for models than critics.Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high on thefood chain as we think.We live in an age where people would rather be enviedthan esteemed and when that happens, God help us.There is many a tear in the heart that never reachesthat eye. Most people spread more gossip than they digup.There is none so blind than he who will not see.Light is the task when many share the toil.We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit onthe curb and clap as they go by.A man is no better than his word and no bigger thanwhat it takes to make him mad.There are days when it takes all you've got just tokeep up with the losers.Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing youkeep yours.Pay no attention to what the critics say. A Statuehas never been erected in honor of a critic.Most failures come from people who have the habit ofmaking excuses.There's one thing no nation can accuse us of---that issecret diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an openbook---generally a checkbook.We have killed more people celebrating ourIndependence Day, than we lost fighting for it.We should never blame the government for not doingsomething, it's when they do something is when theybecome dangerous.Last year we said, Things can't go on like this, andthey didn't. They got worse.The news that's not fit to print is what makes thenewspapers.A horse that can count to ten is a remarkable horse,not a remarkable mathematician.Two quick ways to disaster are to take nobody's adviceand to take everybody's advice.Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar intofour pieces with your bare hands and then just eat onepiece.When love adorns the home, other decorations aresecondary.Make your life a prayer.To stay on a diet, you need to follow the path offeast resistance.Beware of the person that likes to have their cake---and yours, too.Be yourself----who is better qualified ?Getting along with someone is 98% attitude.Teamwork divides the effort and multiplies the effect.Some folks won't ask for advice for fear they willleave the impression they need it.In life, as in football, you won't go far unless youknow which way the goal-post is.Some people who are looking for jobs are notnecessarily looking for work.A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn hisback to the crowd.Tact is the ability to make a person see the lightningwithout letting him feel the jolt.Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.The person who is always finding fault seldom findsanything else. Success usually comes to those who aretoo busy to look for it.The one thing worse than being alone is wishing youwere.An optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets tolaugh.Better to be rebuked by God than to be entertained bythe devil.There are some people who wind up on third base andnever make it home.In life, you can never do a kindness too soon becauseyou never know when it will be to late.Gossip is like spreading butter on bread, it is hardto unspread it.An atheist is a man who has no invisible means ofsupport.If you want to be near to God in prayer, don't get faraway in between times.Don't count your years; make your years count!Faults are thick where love is thin.We usually admire the other fellow more, after we havetried to do his job.HOW WOULD WE FEEL?If God gave us the same amount of time and attentionthat we devote to Him?If God put as many things ahead of us as we put aheadof Him?If God offered as many excuses as we do? And if theexcuses were no more justifiable than ours?If God's promises were no more certain than ours?If God withheld His blessings from us as we withholdour offerings from Him?If God loved Himself as much as we love ourselves andgave as little thought to us as we give to Him?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 22nd

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Monday, November 21, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 21st

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Captain Comeback
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
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Thanks to L.M. for these:The sin ye do two by two ye must pay for one by one.Conversation between Adam and Eve must have beendifficult at times because they had no one to talkabout.If life knocks you flat on your back, just tellyourself, "Things are looking up!"The government solution to a problem is usually worstthan the problem.Lots of people live in beautiful apartmentsoverlooking the rent.According to U.S.A. Financial analyst Rick Edleman;an American parent serving as a cook, financialmanager, psychologist and bus driver should receive asalary of $508,700.00 a year.When some say that they want to serve God, they meanin an advisory capacity.The early Christians, [by teaching God's word], turnedthe world upside down. Now they will not all get onthe same side.The years seem to go by faster when you get olderprobably because you are going downhill.Most human beings have an almost endless capacity fortaking things for granted.Know how to listen, and you will profit even fromthose who talk badly.Twixt the optimist and pessimist, the difference isdroll; The optimist sees the doughnut, but thepessimist sees the hole.Aging is relative---in the time I went from 13 to 17,my mother aged twenty years!You can tell you're getting older, when you have lessdrive and more park.To always be ready, you must be able to cut a knot,for not everything can be untied.Speak when you're angry and you'll make the bestspeech that you'll ever regret.Pray for a good harvest------ but continue to hoe.You can't get much done by starting tomorrow.Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.A well-chosen word can speak volumes.There are no two people alike and they are both gladof it.The price of authority is responsibility.No one is useless if he lightens the burden of someoneelse.The only thing worse than repeating gossip is startingit.Better to stumble with your toe than with your tongue.Remember to forgive, then remember to forget.The manner in which it is given is worth more than thegift.It isn't necessary to put out the other fellow's lightto make yours shine more brightly.If we're unconcerned what the future holds for us thenwe have wasted our lives.Be like the postage stamp----stick to your job untilyou get there.If you don't wish to be shown up, don't show off.Never lose a chance of saying a kind word.Dedication and determination yield success andsatisfaction. Reaching high keeps a man on his toes.Experience is what causes people to make new mistakesinstead old ones.Better to trust a man who is frequently in error thanthe one who is never in doubt.When you fail, call it learning and move on.Gossip travels freely, but good news has to be helpedalong.If you don't feel close to God, guess who moved.A person who always says what they think is courageous---and friendless.Do the best that you can in this life----this is not arehearsal.In the old days no one locked their house, the mostthey feared might be a mouse.When there was no Interstate---we just leftearly---and we weren't late.The choice we make today affects tomorrow.If you must make mistakes, it will be more to yourcredit if you make a new one each time.Progress has little to do with speed and much to dowith direction.Others will follow your footsteps more easily thanthey will your advice.Why can't all life's problems happen when we'reteenagers, and know it all?Love gives us strength---friends----and life.Do not chose your friends by outward show, for thefeather floats where the pearl lies low.A smile is a language even a baby understands.
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Thanks to L.M. for these:Nothing is as irritating as the fellow that chatspleasantly while he's overcharging you.It is often easier to hide something than to hide thefact that you are hiding something.The best way to make a small fortune is to start witha big one.Good instincts usually tell you what to do long beforeyour head has figured it out.The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to besure that one of them is a match.A house may be too small for one family, but it cannever be big enough for two.You've heard of the three ages of man: Youth, Middleage, and "you are looking wonderful".What is more enchanting than the voices of youngpeople when you can't hear what they say?Seldom is anyone so spiritual as to strip himselfentirely of self-love.It is difficult to see why lace should be so costly;it is mostly holes.RESOLVED for year 2006: Remember, DIET has a big fatD because I ET too much.Better a thousand enemies outside the house than oneinside.Could've been ark trouble: Have you ever stopped toconsider what would have happened if Noah had allowedsame-sex couples to represent their species when hewas marching the animals aboard the ark two by two?There's nothing that takes a fellow down a notch ortwo faster than a bad haircut.There's another advantage to being poor----A doctorwill cure you faster.Worry is like riding a roller coaster---It scares youand you always end up right where you started.True friends are those who, when you've made a fool ofyourself, don't think you've done a permanent job.Don't live in the past.....you've already been there.You can't sell from an empty wagon.Although the tongue weighs very little, few people areable to hold it.When friendship costs something, then you can countyour friends.I never can do what I want to do for having to do whatI have to do.Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.In a human being, the wishbone is located just underthe hat.Shadows fall behind you when you face the sun.A candle loses nothing when it lights another.A humble man never blows his 'knows' in public.Children can usually repeat word for word those thingsyou shouldn't have said.Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discussevents, small minds discuss people.The only person more obnoxious than a wise guy, is awise guy who turns out to be right.Inspiration + Aspiration + Perspiration = SUCCESSThe average child learns to walk at 17 months. Theaverage mother learns soon after.Take nothing on its looks; take everything onevidence.Living a Christian Life is not the most popular thingthat you may do, but it is the most important thingthat you will ever do!It is always easy to add a word, but sometimes hard towithdraw one.It's all right to have a train of thought; if you havea terminal.A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow aseasily as he can invent one.The best way to appreciate life is to imagine yourselfwithout it.If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.You'll never strain your eyes by looking at the brightside of things.Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better thanis absolutely necessary.Even good steel loses its temper when it getsoverheated.If you live in harmony with yourself, you are apt tolive in harmony with others.Living on a budget is the same as living beyond yourmeans, except you have a record of it.The wise judge by what they see, the foolish by whatthey hear.When we are defeated, it should stimulate us to tryharder the next time.What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back witha hinge in it.ghqq

Christian hUMOR

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 6th

hUMOR For Dec. 6th

Monday, December 05, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 5th

Sunday, December 04, 2005

whUMOR For Dec. 4th

Saturday, December 03, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 3rd.

Friday, December 02, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 2nd

Thursday, December 01, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 1st

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 30th

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

hUMOR FOR Nov. 29th

Monday, November 28, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 28th

Sunday, November 27, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 27th

Saturday, November 26, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 26th

Friday, November 25, 2005

hUMOR For Novembe 25th

Thursday, November 24, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 24th

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 23rd

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 22nd

Monday, November 21, 2005

hUMOR For Nov. 21st

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