!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
London BuildingA Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618."Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"As they passed Westminister Abbey the cab driver was silent."Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the TexanThe driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by thePearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; hebarely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushesback to the gates, but no one's there.St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bellrings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one'sthere. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back;again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says."I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St.Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks upand rings the bell.St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy whokeeps ringing the bell?""Yes, that's me," the little old man says."Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St.Peter asks."They keep resuscitating me," he replies.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arrangements
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cheerful Giving
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl.
Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.
"Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Younger vs olderYOU ARE EITHER THERE AND UNDERSTAND THESE, OR ONE DAYYOU WILL...Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground withsticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's calledgolf.Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lyingabout your age and start bragging about it.The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waitingin line for.Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me,I want people to know "why" I look this way. I'vetraveled a long way and some of the roads weren'tpaved.How old would you be if you didn't know how old youare?When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back toyour youth, think of Algebra.You know you are getting old when everything eitherdries up or leaks.One of the many things no one tells you about aging isthat it is such a nice change from being young.One must wait until evening to see how splendid theday has been.Ah ... being young is beautiful, but being old iscomfortable.Old age is when former classmates are so gray,wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't haveanything to laugh at when you are old.First you forget names, then you forget faces. Thenyou forget to pull-up your zipper; then, oh mygoodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!If you jog in a joggiwind-breakerunge in loungingpajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY wouldanyone want to wear a windbreaker?And best of all... I don't know how I got over thehill without getting to the top. Now that's somethingto think about!
Friday, November 18, 2005
Thursday, November 17, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 17th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and weresharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear thatthe elevators in their hotel were broken and they would haveto climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony ofthis unpleasant task by concentrating on somethinginteresting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can singsongs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sadstories for the rest of the way."At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim beganto sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scottbegan to tell sad stories."I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left theroom key in the car!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this:
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.
And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good.
And evening and morning were the second day.
And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the process was constructive.
And evening and morning were the third day.
And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision functional organization and engage in planning by objectives." The committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program directions, and God saw that this was good. And God thought that it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
And so ended the fourth day.
And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and strategy." The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models. And God saw that this was very democratic.
And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.
On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda that God had planned. He wasn't able to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human beings.
On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should have been created in the committee's image.
And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee ?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Growing old has one advantage - you never have to do it over again."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------------------------------->
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24, in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and weresharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear thatthe elevators in their hotel were broken and they would haveto climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony ofthis unpleasant task by concentrating on somethinginteresting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can singsongs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sadstories for the rest of the way."At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim beganto sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scottbegan to tell sad stories."I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left theroom key in the car!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this:
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.
And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good.
And evening and morning were the second day.
And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the process was constructive.
And evening and morning were the third day.
And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision functional organization and engage in planning by objectives." The committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program directions, and God saw that this was good. And God thought that it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
And so ended the fourth day.
And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and strategy." The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models. And God saw that this was very democratic.
And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.
On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda that God had planned. He wasn't able to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human beings.
On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should have been created in the committee's image.
And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee ?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Growing old has one advantage - you never have to do it over again."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------------------------------->
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24, in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 16th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses formy wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches onthe bouquet, a young man burst through the door,breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses."I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our lastbunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "MayI please have those roses?""What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your weddinganniversary?""It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed mywife's hard drive!"Received from Jokes Central.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Empty Nest Craft
I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to see how it looked.
Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold." - Maurice Setter
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid Excuses
German police caught a man playing the flute with both hands as he sped through traffic at 80 miles per hour on a busy highway, Wednesday.
"He was leaning back in the seat and steering the car with his knees and feet," said Bohnert Herzl a police spokes- person. "He looked like he'd had practice."
When caught, the 52-year-old told police he was not actually blowing the instrument. He was just practicing the "holding technique."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Atkins Had it Right - Ban Bread!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another one for the holidays -- Florida Corn PuddingWendy, Washington2 c. frozen whole kernel corn1 egg, slightly beaten1 tbsp. sugar1/2 tsp. salt1 tbsp. corn starch1 c. milk1 tbsp. butter or margarineMix all ingredients except butter. Pour into a greasedbaking dish. Dot with butter. Bakeat 350 degrees for 1 hour, or until set to center.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend:Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful NewYork contractor, was standing on the deck of theStaten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent himinto the river.The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black,was standing on the church steps after the funeral,receiving condolences, when an old friend of thecontractor came up."I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend."Did Mike leave you well fixed?""Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a halfmillion dollars.""Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't reador write.""Nor swim either," added the widow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Parable Of The Spoons (ABeautiful Story) A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord oneday and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heavenand Hell are like. "The Lord led the holy man to twodoors. He opened one of the doors and the holy manlooked in. In the middle of the room was a large roundtable. In the middle of the table was a large pot ofstew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man'smouth water.The people sitting around the table were thin andsickly. They appeared to be famished. They wereholding spoons with very long handles and each foundit possible to reach into the pot of stew and take aspoonful, but because the handle was longer than theirarms, they could not get the spoons back into theirmouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of theirmisery and suffering. The Lord said, "You have seenHell."They went to the next room and opened the door. It wasexactly the same as the first one. There was the largeround table with the large pot of stew, which made theholy man's mouth water. The people were equipped withthe same long-handled spoons, but here the people werewell nourished and plump, laughing and talking. Theholy man said, "I don't understand."It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but oneskill. You see, they have learned to feed eachother--- while the greedy think only of themselves."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aging with graceTo commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,Polident, Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,When the bones creak,When the knees go badI simply remember my favorite things,And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,' Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,When the eyes grow dim,Then I remember the great life I've had,And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses formy wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches onthe bouquet, a young man burst through the door,breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses."I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our lastbunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "MayI please have those roses?""What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your weddinganniversary?""It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed mywife's hard drive!"Received from Jokes Central.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Empty Nest Craft
I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to see how it looked.
Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold." - Maurice Setter
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid Excuses
German police caught a man playing the flute with both hands as he sped through traffic at 80 miles per hour on a busy highway, Wednesday.
"He was leaning back in the seat and steering the car with his knees and feet," said Bohnert Herzl a police spokes- person. "He looked like he'd had practice."
When caught, the 52-year-old told police he was not actually blowing the instrument. He was just practicing the "holding technique."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Atkins Had it Right - Ban Bread!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another one for the holidays -- Florida Corn PuddingWendy, Washington2 c. frozen whole kernel corn1 egg, slightly beaten1 tbsp. sugar1/2 tsp. salt1 tbsp. corn starch1 c. milk1 tbsp. butter or margarineMix all ingredients except butter. Pour into a greasedbaking dish. Dot with butter. Bakeat 350 degrees for 1 hour, or until set to center.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend:Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful NewYork contractor, was standing on the deck of theStaten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent himinto the river.The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black,was standing on the church steps after the funeral,receiving condolences, when an old friend of thecontractor came up."I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend."Did Mike leave you well fixed?""Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a halfmillion dollars.""Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't reador write.""Nor swim either," added the widow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Parable Of The Spoons (ABeautiful Story) A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord oneday and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heavenand Hell are like. "The Lord led the holy man to twodoors. He opened one of the doors and the holy manlooked in. In the middle of the room was a large roundtable. In the middle of the table was a large pot ofstew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man'smouth water.The people sitting around the table were thin andsickly. They appeared to be famished. They wereholding spoons with very long handles and each foundit possible to reach into the pot of stew and take aspoonful, but because the handle was longer than theirarms, they could not get the spoons back into theirmouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of theirmisery and suffering. The Lord said, "You have seenHell."They went to the next room and opened the door. It wasexactly the same as the first one. There was the largeround table with the large pot of stew, which made theholy man's mouth water. The people were equipped withthe same long-handled spoons, but here the people werewell nourished and plump, laughing and talking. Theholy man said, "I don't understand."It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but oneskill. You see, they have learned to feed eachother--- while the greedy think only of themselves."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aging with graceTo commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,Polident, Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,When the bones creak,When the knees go badI simply remember my favorite things,And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,' Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,When the eyes grow dim,Then I remember the great life I've had,And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reasons I'd like to thank Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, and mylocal grocer for having twenty-five checkout lanes and onlythree open at any given time:Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from goingcompletely idle -- there's so much to learn!Did you know they now sell primed faux wood moldings for thehome? I hate to prime. I don't mind striking upconversations with perfect strangers though. One lady toldme which DMV office had the shortest wait and officers whoactually smile. Another trapped customer gave me hergreat-grandmother's secret pickling recipe.I also learned to be grateful I don't live next door to thesnot-nosed whiny child hanging upside down from the shoppingcart in front of me; how many calories are in a Tic Tac;items once marketed as "Only available through thisexclusive TV offer!" eventually make it to the store in abox marked, "As seen on TV"; and that Oprah was abducted byaliens who also share an affinity for jersey sheets andprivate chefs. Which reminds me of other reasons I don'tmind waiting in long checkout lines:I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get thethirteen things on my list I forgot.I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch upon all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law,and Auntie Babe.I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drivehome.I can assess what other people have in their carts and getexciting new dinner ideas.I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plentyof drying time.I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of mypurse.I can clean out my purse and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my car.I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspectingfellow customers.I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do thoseisometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in lineis supposed to know you're doing.I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb,zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted intime for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on thedriveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.I can scribble notes for next week's column on the box ofsugar bomb cereal -- maybe something about the merits ofgrocery delivery.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A bunch of pastor were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards.
"That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golf Hole
A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Don't wear your glasses on a blind date - you'll look better, and your date will too."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Bird Brother
Said mother tern to baby, "as you have been so good, would you like a brother?"
Said baby tern to mother, "Oh Yes! One good tern, deserves another."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Think A Moment..."Some Minds are like concrete------- Thoroughly mixedup, and permanently set."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boat NameMy friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway."I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
World's Thinnest Books ~~@~~ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques ChiracHOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT: a Travel Guide A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTEby Mike Tyson SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .. MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clintonwith introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
Reasons I'd like to thank Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, and mylocal grocer for having twenty-five checkout lanes and onlythree open at any given time:Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from goingcompletely idle -- there's so much to learn!Did you know they now sell primed faux wood moldings for thehome? I hate to prime. I don't mind striking upconversations with perfect strangers though. One lady toldme which DMV office had the shortest wait and officers whoactually smile. Another trapped customer gave me hergreat-grandmother's secret pickling recipe.I also learned to be grateful I don't live next door to thesnot-nosed whiny child hanging upside down from the shoppingcart in front of me; how many calories are in a Tic Tac;items once marketed as "Only available through thisexclusive TV offer!" eventually make it to the store in abox marked, "As seen on TV"; and that Oprah was abducted byaliens who also share an affinity for jersey sheets andprivate chefs. Which reminds me of other reasons I don'tmind waiting in long checkout lines:I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get thethirteen things on my list I forgot.I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch upon all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law,and Auntie Babe.I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drivehome.I can assess what other people have in their carts and getexciting new dinner ideas.I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plentyof drying time.I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of mypurse.I can clean out my purse and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my car.I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspectingfellow customers.I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do thoseisometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in lineis supposed to know you're doing.I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb,zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted intime for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on thedriveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.I can scribble notes for next week's column on the box ofsugar bomb cereal -- maybe something about the merits ofgrocery delivery.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A bunch of pastor were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards.
"That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golf Hole
A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Don't wear your glasses on a blind date - you'll look better, and your date will too."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Bird Brother
Said mother tern to baby, "as you have been so good, would you like a brother?"
Said baby tern to mother, "Oh Yes! One good tern, deserves another."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Think A Moment..."Some Minds are like concrete------- Thoroughly mixedup, and permanently set."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boat NameMy friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway."I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
World's Thinnest Books ~~@~~ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques ChiracHOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT: a Travel Guide A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTEby Mike Tyson SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .. MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clintonwith introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
Monday, November 14, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 14th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Church Visit
My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.
He said, "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a recipe from a free e-cookbook, downloaded tomy computer, called Copycat. The theme is cooking athome the foods you get at fast food places and etc.McDonald's Hamburgers1 pound ground chuck (80% lean)10 hamburger buns (local grocery type)10 hamburger dill slices (more or less to taste)10 teaspoons dried, chopped (not minced) onionsMustardKetchupSalt, Pepper, and MSGDivide 1 lb of beef into 10 equal sized balls. Form apatty out of each ball about 4 inches in diameter and1/4 inch thick. Do this on waxed paper. Now freeze thepatties for at least an hour (this keeps them fromfalling apart when grilled). Combine dried onions withwater in a small container. Add enough water so theonions can hydrate (You can't add too much, just besure to drain well before using).Preheat a griddle or skillet to medium−high. Inthe meantime, toast the hamburger buns until justgolden.Lay the frozen patties on the hot surface. After about20 seconds, "sear" them by applying even pressure withthe back of a metal spatula; do this only for about 2seconds. After searing them, sprinkle generously withsalt, pepper, and MSG to taste. After about one minutesince searing the patties, turn them over. Careful,don't tear the side you seared. Add about a teaspoonof your prepared onions on top. Quickly dress yourbuns. On the crown part of buns (top), Mustardfirst....five "kisses" the diameter of a pencil evenlyspaced in a circle about a half inch from the edge.Then the Ketchup, five squirts the size of a nickle..in the pattern found on dice. Place the pickle in themiddle. By the time you finish that, the meat will bedone (about 1 minute or 1:10 after turning). Removethe meat and tilt to the side to allow excess fat todrain off. Use your free hand to hold down the onions.Place patties onion side up on the dressed crown, topwith toasted heels (the burger will beupside−down). Flip upright and serve.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: PROCRASTINATIONI looked upon a farm one dayThat once I used to own;The barn had fallen to the groundThe fields were overgrown.The house in which my children grewWhere we had lived for years--I turned to see it broken downAnd brushed aside the tears.I looked upon my soul one dayTo find it too had grownWith thorns and nettles everywhereThe seeds neglect had sown.The years had passed while I had caredFor things of lesser worth:The things of heaven I let goWhen minding things of Earth.To Christ I turned with bitter tearsAnd cried, "O, Lord, forgive!I haven't much time left for TheeNot many years to live."The wasted years forever goneThe days I can't recall;If I could live those days againI'd make Him Lord of all.-- anonymous -- If you know who wrote these lines,please email me the name. Thanks. Tim
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- (I Love This One - ts) Mommy, LookAt This! As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-olddaughter was having a wonderful time playing on thebed. At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this,"and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out andstuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonnaeat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before Irushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bedstaring at her fingers with a devastated look on herface.I said, "What's wrong honey?""Mommy, where's my booger?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: I've been teaching now for about fifteenyears. I have two kids myself, but the best birthstory I know is the one I saw in my own second-gradeclassroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I alwayshave a few sessions with my students. It helps themget over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is prettytame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And Inever, ever place any boundaries or limitations onthem. If they want to lug it to school and talk aboutit, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up tothe front of the class with a pillow stuffed under hersweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "Thisis Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell youabout his birthday."First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of theirlove, and then Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, andLuke grew in there. He ate for nine months through anumbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, andI'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorderwith me. The kids are watching her in amazement."Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts sayingand going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind herback and groans. "She walked around the house for likean hour. 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing thishysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning."My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,but she doesn't have a sign on the car like theDomino's man."They got my mom to lie down in bed like this." ThenErica lies down with her back against the wall. "Andthen, pop! My mom had this bag of water she kept inthere in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up andspilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kidhas her legs spread and with her little hands aremiming water flowing away. It was too much!"Then the middle wife starts saying, 'push, push' and'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but nevereven got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes mybrother. He was covered in yucky stuff; they all saidwas from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot ofstuff inside there."Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, andreturned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded theloudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, Ibring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comesalong.
Church Visit
My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.
He said, "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a recipe from a free e-cookbook, downloaded tomy computer, called Copycat. The theme is cooking athome the foods you get at fast food places and etc.McDonald's Hamburgers1 pound ground chuck (80% lean)10 hamburger buns (local grocery type)10 hamburger dill slices (more or less to taste)10 teaspoons dried, chopped (not minced) onionsMustardKetchupSalt, Pepper, and MSGDivide 1 lb of beef into 10 equal sized balls. Form apatty out of each ball about 4 inches in diameter and1/4 inch thick. Do this on waxed paper. Now freeze thepatties for at least an hour (this keeps them fromfalling apart when grilled). Combine dried onions withwater in a small container. Add enough water so theonions can hydrate (You can't add too much, just besure to drain well before using).Preheat a griddle or skillet to medium−high. Inthe meantime, toast the hamburger buns until justgolden.Lay the frozen patties on the hot surface. After about20 seconds, "sear" them by applying even pressure withthe back of a metal spatula; do this only for about 2seconds. After searing them, sprinkle generously withsalt, pepper, and MSG to taste. After about one minutesince searing the patties, turn them over. Careful,don't tear the side you seared. Add about a teaspoonof your prepared onions on top. Quickly dress yourbuns. On the crown part of buns (top), Mustardfirst....five "kisses" the diameter of a pencil evenlyspaced in a circle about a half inch from the edge.Then the Ketchup, five squirts the size of a nickle..in the pattern found on dice. Place the pickle in themiddle. By the time you finish that, the meat will bedone (about 1 minute or 1:10 after turning). Removethe meat and tilt to the side to allow excess fat todrain off. Use your free hand to hold down the onions.Place patties onion side up on the dressed crown, topwith toasted heels (the burger will beupside−down). Flip upright and serve.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: PROCRASTINATIONI looked upon a farm one dayThat once I used to own;The barn had fallen to the groundThe fields were overgrown.The house in which my children grewWhere we had lived for years--I turned to see it broken downAnd brushed aside the tears.I looked upon my soul one dayTo find it too had grownWith thorns and nettles everywhereThe seeds neglect had sown.The years had passed while I had caredFor things of lesser worth:The things of heaven I let goWhen minding things of Earth.To Christ I turned with bitter tearsAnd cried, "O, Lord, forgive!I haven't much time left for TheeNot many years to live."The wasted years forever goneThe days I can't recall;If I could live those days againI'd make Him Lord of all.-- anonymous -- If you know who wrote these lines,please email me the name. Thanks. Tim
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- (I Love This One - ts) Mommy, LookAt This! As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-olddaughter was having a wonderful time playing on thebed. At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this,"and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out andstuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonnaeat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before Irushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bedstaring at her fingers with a devastated look on herface.I said, "What's wrong honey?""Mommy, where's my booger?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: I've been teaching now for about fifteenyears. I have two kids myself, but the best birthstory I know is the one I saw in my own second-gradeclassroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I alwayshave a few sessions with my students. It helps themget over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is prettytame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And Inever, ever place any boundaries or limitations onthem. If they want to lug it to school and talk aboutit, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up tothe front of the class with a pillow stuffed under hersweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "Thisis Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell youabout his birthday."First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of theirlove, and then Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, andLuke grew in there. He ate for nine months through anumbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, andI'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorderwith me. The kids are watching her in amazement."Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts sayingand going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind herback and groans. "She walked around the house for likean hour. 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing thishysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning."My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,but she doesn't have a sign on the car like theDomino's man."They got my mom to lie down in bed like this." ThenErica lies down with her back against the wall. "Andthen, pop! My mom had this bag of water she kept inthere in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up andspilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kidhas her legs spread and with her little hands aremiming water flowing away. It was too much!"Then the middle wife starts saying, 'push, push' and'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but nevereven got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes mybrother. He was covered in yucky stuff; they all saidwas from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot ofstuff inside there."Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, andreturned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded theloudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, Ibring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comesalong.
hUMOR For Nov. 14th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Church Visit
My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.
He said, "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a recipe from a free e-cookbook, downloaded tomy computer, called Copycat. The theme is cooking athome the foods you get at fast food places and etc.McDonald's Hamburgers1 pound ground chuck (80% lean)10 hamburger buns (local grocery type)10 hamburger dill slices (more or less to taste)10 teaspoons dried, chopped (not minced) onionsMustardKetchupSalt, Pepper, and MSGDivide 1 lb of beef into 10 equal sized balls. Form apatty out of each ball about 4 inches in diameter and1/4 inch thick. Do this on waxed paper. Now freeze thepatties for at least an hour (this keeps them fromfalling apart when grilled). Combine dried onions withwater in a small container. Add enough water so theonions can hydrate (You can't add too much, just besure to drain well before using).Preheat a griddle or skillet to medium−high. Inthe meantime, toast the hamburger buns until justgolden.Lay the frozen patties on the hot surface. After about20 seconds, "sear" them by applying even pressure withthe back of a metal spatula; do this only for about 2seconds. After searing them, sprinkle generously withsalt, pepper, and MSG to taste. After about one minutesince searing the patties, turn them over. Careful,don't tear the side you seared. Add about a teaspoonof your prepared onions on top. Quickly dress yourbuns. On the crown part of buns (top), Mustardfirst....five "kisses" the diameter of a pencil evenlyspaced in a circle about a half inch from the edge.Then the Ketchup, five squirts the size of a nickle..in the pattern found on dice. Place the pickle in themiddle. By the time you finish that, the meat will bedone (about 1 minute or 1:10 after turning). Removethe meat and tilt to the side to allow excess fat todrain off. Use your free hand to hold down the onions.Place patties onion side up on the dressed crown, topwith toasted heels (the burger will beupside−down). Flip upright and serve.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: PROCRASTINATIONI looked upon a farm one dayThat once I used to own;The barn had fallen to the groundThe fields were overgrown.The house in which my children grewWhere we had lived for years--I turned to see it broken downAnd brushed aside the tears.I looked upon my soul one dayTo find it too had grownWith thorns and nettles everywhereThe seeds neglect had sown.The years had passed while I had caredFor things of lesser worth:The things of heaven I let goWhen minding things of Earth.To Christ I turned with bitter tearsAnd cried, "O, Lord, forgive!I haven't much time left for TheeNot many years to live."The wasted years forever goneThe days I can't recall;If I could live those days againI'd make Him Lord of all.-- anonymous -- If you know who wrote these lines,please email me the name. Thanks. Tim
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- (I Love This One - ts) Mommy, LookAt This! As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-olddaughter was having a wonderful time playing on thebed. At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this,"and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out andstuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonnaeat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before Irushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bedstaring at her fingers with a devastated look on herface.I said, "What's wrong honey?""Mommy, where's my booger?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: I've been teaching now for about fifteenyears. I have two kids myself, but the best birthstory I know is the one I saw in my own second-gradeclassroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I alwayshave a few sessions with my students. It helps themget over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is prettytame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And Inever, ever place any boundaries or limitations onthem. If they want to lug it to school and talk aboutit, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up tothe front of the class with a pillow stuffed under hersweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "Thisis Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell youabout his birthday."First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of theirlove, and then Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, andLuke grew in there. He ate for nine months through anumbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, andI'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorderwith me. The kids are watching her in amazement."Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts sayingand going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind herback and groans. "She walked around the house for likean hour. 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing thishysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning."My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,but she doesn't have a sign on the car like theDomino's man."They got my mom to lie down in bed like this." ThenErica lies down with her back against the wall. "Andthen, pop! My mom had this bag of water she kept inthere in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up andspilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kidhas her legs spread and with her little hands aremiming water flowing away. It was too much!"Then the middle wife starts saying, 'push, push' and'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but nevereven got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes mybrother. He was covered in yucky stuff; they all saidwas from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot ofstuff inside there."Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, andreturned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded theloudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, Ibring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comesalong.
Church Visit
My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.
He said, "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a recipe from a free e-cookbook, downloaded tomy computer, called Copycat. The theme is cooking athome the foods you get at fast food places and etc.McDonald's Hamburgers1 pound ground chuck (80% lean)10 hamburger buns (local grocery type)10 hamburger dill slices (more or less to taste)10 teaspoons dried, chopped (not minced) onionsMustardKetchupSalt, Pepper, and MSGDivide 1 lb of beef into 10 equal sized balls. Form apatty out of each ball about 4 inches in diameter and1/4 inch thick. Do this on waxed paper. Now freeze thepatties for at least an hour (this keeps them fromfalling apart when grilled). Combine dried onions withwater in a small container. Add enough water so theonions can hydrate (You can't add too much, just besure to drain well before using).Preheat a griddle or skillet to medium−high. Inthe meantime, toast the hamburger buns until justgolden.Lay the frozen patties on the hot surface. After about20 seconds, "sear" them by applying even pressure withthe back of a metal spatula; do this only for about 2seconds. After searing them, sprinkle generously withsalt, pepper, and MSG to taste. After about one minutesince searing the patties, turn them over. Careful,don't tear the side you seared. Add about a teaspoonof your prepared onions on top. Quickly dress yourbuns. On the crown part of buns (top), Mustardfirst....five "kisses" the diameter of a pencil evenlyspaced in a circle about a half inch from the edge.Then the Ketchup, five squirts the size of a nickle..in the pattern found on dice. Place the pickle in themiddle. By the time you finish that, the meat will bedone (about 1 minute or 1:10 after turning). Removethe meat and tilt to the side to allow excess fat todrain off. Use your free hand to hold down the onions.Place patties onion side up on the dressed crown, topwith toasted heels (the burger will beupside−down). Flip upright and serve.
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Thanks to WS: PROCRASTINATIONI looked upon a farm one dayThat once I used to own;The barn had fallen to the groundThe fields were overgrown.The house in which my children grewWhere we had lived for years--I turned to see it broken downAnd brushed aside the tears.I looked upon my soul one dayTo find it too had grownWith thorns and nettles everywhereThe seeds neglect had sown.The years had passed while I had caredFor things of lesser worth:The things of heaven I let goWhen minding things of Earth.To Christ I turned with bitter tearsAnd cried, "O, Lord, forgive!I haven't much time left for TheeNot many years to live."The wasted years forever goneThe days I can't recall;If I could live those days againI'd make Him Lord of all.-- anonymous -- If you know who wrote these lines,please email me the name. Thanks. Tim
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Thanks to Marti -- (I Love This One - ts) Mommy, LookAt This! As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-olddaughter was having a wonderful time playing on thebed. At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this,"and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out andstuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonnaeat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before Irushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bedstaring at her fingers with a devastated look on herface.I said, "What's wrong honey?""Mommy, where's my booger?"
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From GCFL: I've been teaching now for about fifteenyears. I have two kids myself, but the best birthstory I know is the one I saw in my own second-gradeclassroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I alwayshave a few sessions with my students. It helps themget over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is prettytame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And Inever, ever place any boundaries or limitations onthem. If they want to lug it to school and talk aboutit, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up tothe front of the class with a pillow stuffed under hersweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "Thisis Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell youabout his birthday."First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of theirlove, and then Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, andLuke grew in there. He ate for nine months through anumbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, andI'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorderwith me. The kids are watching her in amazement."Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts sayingand going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind herback and groans. "She walked around the house for likean hour. 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing thishysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning."My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,but she doesn't have a sign on the car like theDomino's man."They got my mom to lie down in bed like this." ThenErica lies down with her back against the wall. "Andthen, pop! My mom had this bag of water she kept inthere in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up andspilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kidhas her legs spread and with her little hands aremiming water flowing away. It was too much!"Then the middle wife starts saying, 'push, push' and'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but nevereven got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes mybrother. He was covered in yucky stuff; they all saidwas from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot ofstuff inside there."Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, andreturned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded theloudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, Ibring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comesalong.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 13th
Hole-In-OneA foursome teed off on the long par-3. The green on this hole lay behind a large bunker, so any shot that made the green would disappear over the top ridge of bunker and you couldn't tell where your ball landed until you arrived on the green.After the last player hit his shot, the first golfer to hit charged off down the fairway, without waiting for the others. He disappeared over the bunker and seconds later came running back down the fairway yelling and screaming, "I got a hole-in-one! I don't believe it!""You've got to be kidding," said the others. "You run ahead of us down the fairway and disappear behind that bunker, and now, all of a sudden, you claim you have a hole-in-one. How stupid do you think we three are?""No, no. It's true. I swear it," he said crossing his heart. "Go look. I left it in the hole to prove it."
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A Bit of Useful Information -- REFRIGERATOR STORAGE GUIDEBEEF:Steaks, Roasts..........................3 to 5 daysGround Beef, Stew Meat, Heart,Liver, Brains, Tongue ..................1 to 2 daysVEAL:Chops, Roasts ..........................3 to 5 daysLiver (sliced), heart..................................1 to 2 daysPORK:Canadian Bacon..........................2 weeksChops, Spareribs .......................3 to 5 daysRoasts .................................3 to 5 daysPork Sausage............................1 to 2 daysLAMB:Chops...................................3 to 5 daysRoasts .................................3 to 5 daysGround ................................24 hoursPOULTRY:Chicken, Ducklings......................1 to 2 daysTurkey (ready to stuff -thawed or fresh)........................1 to 2 daysCooked Poultry .........................1 to 2 daysFRUITS AND VEGETABLES:Vegetables, salad greens (in crisper) ..3 to 5 daysBerries (uncovered) ....................2 daysCitrus fruits, apples...................7 daysFruit juices ...........................4 daysRoot Vegetables (in crisper), carrots,beets, radishes, turnips ...............1 to 2 weeksCooked Vegetables, Fruits (covered).....2 to 4 daysFISH:Fresh fish, shellfish..................24 hoursCooked Fish ............................1 to 2 daysEGGS:Eggs (in carton, covered dish or rack) .4 weeksEggs, hard cooked (in shells) ..........8 to 10 daysEgg Whites (in covered container) ......2 to 4 daysEgg Yolks (covered with water) .........4 daysCURED AND SMOKED MEATS:Hams, picnic, whole ....................7 daysHalf ...................................3 to 5 daysSlices .................................3 daysDried Beef ............................10 to 12 daysCorned Beef, Tongue, Bacon..............5 to 7 daysCOOKED MEATS:Roasts, Stew, etc. .....................1 to 2 daysAssorted Luncheon Meats ................3 to 5 daysMILK AND MILK PRODUCTSMilk, cream.............................3 daysEvaporated Milk (in opened can).........3 to 5 daysButter, Margarine (covered or wrapped)..2 weeksCottage Cheese (in closed container) ...3 to 5 daysYogurt .................................7 daysWhipping Cream..........................7 daysCommercial Sour Cream..................14 daysCustards, custard sauces,cream filled pies and cakes ............2 to 3 daysSoft Cheese (in closed container) ......2 weeksHard Cheese.............................3 to 6 months
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Thanks to CJ in PA: Teen Poverty in America I just spent several hours observing teenagershanging out at our local mall. I came to theconclusion many teenagers in America today are livingin poverty. Most young men I observed didn't even own a belt;there was not one among the whole group. But thatwasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy'sjeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low ontheir hips, exposing their underwear.I know some must have been ashamed that their daddywas short, because his jeans hardly went below theirknees.They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for mosthad holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look tothem.It grieved me, in a modern, affluent society likeAmerica, there are people who can't afford a decentpair of jeans.I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeansdrive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on ChristmasEve, I could go Christmas caroling and distributejeans to these poor teenagers.But here is the saddest part..... it was the girlsthey were hanging out with that disturbed me most.I never, in all of my life, seen such poverty-strickengirls.These girls had the opposite problem of the guys.They all had to wear their little sisters clothes.Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't knowhow they could put them on, let alone button them up.Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most alsohad on their little sister's top; it hardly coveredtheir midsections.Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up withpride, but it was a sad sight to see these almostgrown women wearing children's clothes.However, it was their underwear that bothered me most.They, like the boys, because of the improper fittingof their clothes, had their underwear exposed.I never saw anything like it.It looked like their underwear was only held togetherby a single piece of string.I know it saddens your heart to receive this report onthe condition of our American teenagers. While I go tobed every night with a closet full of clothes, nearbythere are millions of "mall girls" who barely haveenough material to keep it together.I think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gatherat the mall - boys with their short daddies' rippedjeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters'clothes. The mall is one place where they can findacceptance.So, next time you are at the mall, doing yourshopping, and you pass by some of these poorteenagers, would you say a prayer for them?And one more thing ... Will you pray the guys' pantswon't fall down, and girls' strings won't break?I thank you all, Grandmaw and Grandpaw.
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Thanks to SUNSHINERONE28: When God Created The South!Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God wasmissing for six days. Eventually, Michael thearchangel found him, resting on the seventh day. Heinquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudlypointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael,look what I've made."Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What isit?""It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE onit. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be agreat place of balance.""Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of greatopportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is goingto be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hotspot and the Antarctica in the South will be verycold. Over there I've placed a continent of whitepeople and over there is a continent of black people."God continued, pointing to different countries. "Thisone will be extremely hot and arid while this one willbe very cold and covered in ice."The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointedto a large area and asked, "What's that one?""Ah," said God. "That's the SOUTH, the most gloriousplace on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes,rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The peoplefrom there are going to be modest, intelligent andhumorous and they're going to be found traveling theworld. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking andhigh-achieving, and they will be known throughout theworld as diplomats and carriers of peace. A trulygreat people."Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but thenproclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said therewill be BALANCE."God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loudmouthobnoxious people I'm putting north of them."
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A Bit of Useful Information -- REFRIGERATOR STORAGE GUIDEBEEF:Steaks, Roasts..........................3 to 5 daysGround Beef, Stew Meat, Heart,Liver, Brains, Tongue ..................1 to 2 daysVEAL:Chops, Roasts ..........................3 to 5 daysLiver (sliced), heart..................................1 to 2 daysPORK:Canadian Bacon..........................2 weeksChops, Spareribs .......................3 to 5 daysRoasts .................................3 to 5 daysPork Sausage............................1 to 2 daysLAMB:Chops...................................3 to 5 daysRoasts .................................3 to 5 daysGround ................................24 hoursPOULTRY:Chicken, Ducklings......................1 to 2 daysTurkey (ready to stuff -thawed or fresh)........................1 to 2 daysCooked Poultry .........................1 to 2 daysFRUITS AND VEGETABLES:Vegetables, salad greens (in crisper) ..3 to 5 daysBerries (uncovered) ....................2 daysCitrus fruits, apples...................7 daysFruit juices ...........................4 daysRoot Vegetables (in crisper), carrots,beets, radishes, turnips ...............1 to 2 weeksCooked Vegetables, Fruits (covered).....2 to 4 daysFISH:Fresh fish, shellfish..................24 hoursCooked Fish ............................1 to 2 daysEGGS:Eggs (in carton, covered dish or rack) .4 weeksEggs, hard cooked (in shells) ..........8 to 10 daysEgg Whites (in covered container) ......2 to 4 daysEgg Yolks (covered with water) .........4 daysCURED AND SMOKED MEATS:Hams, picnic, whole ....................7 daysHalf ...................................3 to 5 daysSlices .................................3 daysDried Beef ............................10 to 12 daysCorned Beef, Tongue, Bacon..............5 to 7 daysCOOKED MEATS:Roasts, Stew, etc. .....................1 to 2 daysAssorted Luncheon Meats ................3 to 5 daysMILK AND MILK PRODUCTSMilk, cream.............................3 daysEvaporated Milk (in opened can).........3 to 5 daysButter, Margarine (covered or wrapped)..2 weeksCottage Cheese (in closed container) ...3 to 5 daysYogurt .................................7 daysWhipping Cream..........................7 daysCommercial Sour Cream..................14 daysCustards, custard sauces,cream filled pies and cakes ............2 to 3 daysSoft Cheese (in closed container) ......2 weeksHard Cheese.............................3 to 6 months
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Thanks to CJ in PA: Teen Poverty in America I just spent several hours observing teenagershanging out at our local mall. I came to theconclusion many teenagers in America today are livingin poverty. Most young men I observed didn't even own a belt;there was not one among the whole group. But thatwasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy'sjeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low ontheir hips, exposing their underwear.I know some must have been ashamed that their daddywas short, because his jeans hardly went below theirknees.They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for mosthad holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look tothem.It grieved me, in a modern, affluent society likeAmerica, there are people who can't afford a decentpair of jeans.I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeansdrive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on ChristmasEve, I could go Christmas caroling and distributejeans to these poor teenagers.But here is the saddest part..... it was the girlsthey were hanging out with that disturbed me most.I never, in all of my life, seen such poverty-strickengirls.These girls had the opposite problem of the guys.They all had to wear their little sisters clothes.Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't knowhow they could put them on, let alone button them up.Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most alsohad on their little sister's top; it hardly coveredtheir midsections.Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up withpride, but it was a sad sight to see these almostgrown women wearing children's clothes.However, it was their underwear that bothered me most.They, like the boys, because of the improper fittingof their clothes, had their underwear exposed.I never saw anything like it.It looked like their underwear was only held togetherby a single piece of string.I know it saddens your heart to receive this report onthe condition of our American teenagers. While I go tobed every night with a closet full of clothes, nearbythere are millions of "mall girls" who barely haveenough material to keep it together.I think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gatherat the mall - boys with their short daddies' rippedjeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters'clothes. The mall is one place where they can findacceptance.So, next time you are at the mall, doing yourshopping, and you pass by some of these poorteenagers, would you say a prayer for them?And one more thing ... Will you pray the guys' pantswon't fall down, and girls' strings won't break?I thank you all, Grandmaw and Grandpaw.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINERONE28: When God Created The South!Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God wasmissing for six days. Eventually, Michael thearchangel found him, resting on the seventh day. Heinquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudlypointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael,look what I've made."Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What isit?""It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE onit. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be agreat place of balance.""Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of greatopportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is goingto be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hotspot and the Antarctica in the South will be verycold. Over there I've placed a continent of whitepeople and over there is a continent of black people."God continued, pointing to different countries. "Thisone will be extremely hot and arid while this one willbe very cold and covered in ice."The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointedto a large area and asked, "What's that one?""Ah," said God. "That's the SOUTH, the most gloriousplace on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes,rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The peoplefrom there are going to be modest, intelligent andhumorous and they're going to be found traveling theworld. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking andhigh-achieving, and they will be known throughout theworld as diplomats and carriers of peace. A trulygreat people."Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but thenproclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said therewill be BALANCE."God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loudmouthobnoxious people I'm putting north of them."
Saturday, November 12, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 12th
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* For every complex problem there is an answer that isclear, simple, and wrong. (H L Mencken)* Every decision you make is a mistake. (Edward Dahlberg)* Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue tofail in good spirits. (Robert Louis Stephenson)* Only one thing is certain - that is, nothing is certain.If this statement is true, it is also false. (AncientParadox)* Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over ifyou just sit there. (Will Rogers)* There is nothing more requisite in business than dispatch.(Joseph Addison)* There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.(Goethe)* A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience.(Oliver Wendell Holmes)* Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probablythe reason why so few engage in it. (Henry Ford)* If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn'tthinking. (George Patton)* Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admiretheir astuteness. (Cullen Hightower)* Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory.Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat. (SunTzu)* Planning without action is futile; action without planningis fatal. (Unknown)* The general who wins the battle makes many calculations inhis temple before the battle is fought. The general wholoses makes but few calculations beforehand. (Sun Tzu)* Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend thesituation. (Proverb)* A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than anyinvention in human history - with the possible exceptions ofhandguns and tequila. (Mitch Ratliffe)
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Marrying Young
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"I was having dinner with world chess champion Garry Kasparov - Our table had a check tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass me the salt."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Racetrack
A racetrack is a place where the windows clean the people.
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Here is a recipe for the pizza lovers among us -- CHEESE PIZZA1 can (8 ounces) tomato 1 cup shredded Mozzarellasauce cheese1/4 cup chopped onion 1/2 cup sliced stuffed olives1 teaspoon garlic salt 1 can (6 ounces)1/2 teaspoon oregano mushrooms12-inch pizza crust, 1/2 cup grated Parmesanunbaked cheeseCombine tomato sauce, onion, garlic salt and oregano.Spread over unbaked pizza crust. Cover sauce withMozzarella. Sprinkle olives and mushrooms over top;cover with Parmesan. Bake in 425° F. oven for 20 to 30minutes or until crust is light brown and cheeses aremelted. Yield: 6 servings.Variations: Add pickled banana peppers, brownedItaliansausage, salami bits or thin slices of pepperoni.
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If you get an itch To learn dermatology You must start from scratch (Gary Hallock)
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A hapless young man from Kilbryde Fell into an outhouse and died His heartbroken brother Fell into another And now they're interred side by side.
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Thanks to MAK: There is chaos all around, but youknow Me, says the Lord. And, you trust in Me. Glorious light emanates from your celebration, and thepeoples of the world will see and be drawn to yourlight. You, My people, will go forth without fear oranxiety. You will rejoice in the goodness of the Lordbecause you know in Whom you have believed. Throughthis journey you have been persuaded that you cantrust Me and have committed all things to Me.
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"Here's a poem about underwater transportation,"announced Tom, subversively."A bicycle wheel and wagon wheel have something incommon," spoke Tom.The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get theTen Commandments.
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Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke ordrink. (Allen Morris)
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If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does MyMailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
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Thanks to MAK: One Room to Another"Death is no more than passing from one room intoanother. But there's a difference for me, you know.Because in that other room I shall be able to see."~Helen Keller~ (both blind and deaf from an infant)Mary Alice
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Thanks to LBS: Jim & EdnaJim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.One day while they were walking past the hospitalswimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to thebottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head NurseDirector became aware of Edna's heroic act sheimmediately ordered her to be discharged from thehospital, as she now considered her to be mentallystable. When she went to tell Edna the news shesaid,"Edna,I have good news and bad news.The good newsis you're being discharged; since you were able torationally respond to a crisis by jumping in andsaving the life of another patient, I have concludedthat your act displays sound mindedness. "The badnews is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself inthe bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after yousaved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Ednareplied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there todry. How soon can I go home?"ssrdo
* For every complex problem there is an answer that isclear, simple, and wrong. (H L Mencken)* Every decision you make is a mistake. (Edward Dahlberg)* Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue tofail in good spirits. (Robert Louis Stephenson)* Only one thing is certain - that is, nothing is certain.If this statement is true, it is also false. (AncientParadox)* Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over ifyou just sit there. (Will Rogers)* There is nothing more requisite in business than dispatch.(Joseph Addison)* There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.(Goethe)* A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience.(Oliver Wendell Holmes)* Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probablythe reason why so few engage in it. (Henry Ford)* If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn'tthinking. (George Patton)* Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admiretheir astuteness. (Cullen Hightower)* Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory.Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat. (SunTzu)* Planning without action is futile; action without planningis fatal. (Unknown)* The general who wins the battle makes many calculations inhis temple before the battle is fought. The general wholoses makes but few calculations beforehand. (Sun Tzu)* Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend thesituation. (Proverb)* A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than anyinvention in human history - with the possible exceptions ofhandguns and tequila. (Mitch Ratliffe)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marrying Young
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I was having dinner with world chess champion Garry Kasparov - Our table had a check tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass me the salt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Racetrack
A racetrack is a place where the windows clean the people.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a recipe for the pizza lovers among us -- CHEESE PIZZA1 can (8 ounces) tomato 1 cup shredded Mozzarellasauce cheese1/4 cup chopped onion 1/2 cup sliced stuffed olives1 teaspoon garlic salt 1 can (6 ounces)1/2 teaspoon oregano mushrooms12-inch pizza crust, 1/2 cup grated Parmesanunbaked cheeseCombine tomato sauce, onion, garlic salt and oregano.Spread over unbaked pizza crust. Cover sauce withMozzarella. Sprinkle olives and mushrooms over top;cover with Parmesan. Bake in 425° F. oven for 20 to 30minutes or until crust is light brown and cheeses aremelted. Yield: 6 servings.Variations: Add pickled banana peppers, brownedItaliansausage, salami bits or thin slices of pepperoni.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you get an itch To learn dermatology You must start from scratch (Gary Hallock)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A hapless young man from Kilbryde Fell into an outhouse and died His heartbroken brother Fell into another And now they're interred side by side.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK: There is chaos all around, but youknow Me, says the Lord. And, you trust in Me. Glorious light emanates from your celebration, and thepeoples of the world will see and be drawn to yourlight. You, My people, will go forth without fear oranxiety. You will rejoice in the goodness of the Lordbecause you know in Whom you have believed. Throughthis journey you have been persuaded that you cantrust Me and have committed all things to Me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Here's a poem about underwater transportation,"announced Tom, subversively."A bicycle wheel and wagon wheel have something incommon," spoke Tom.The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get theTen Commandments.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke ordrink. (Allen Morris)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does MyMailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK: One Room to Another"Death is no more than passing from one room intoanother. But there's a difference for me, you know.Because in that other room I shall be able to see."~Helen Keller~ (both blind and deaf from an infant)Mary Alice
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Jim & EdnaJim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.One day while they were walking past the hospitalswimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to thebottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head NurseDirector became aware of Edna's heroic act sheimmediately ordered her to be discharged from thehospital, as she now considered her to be mentallystable. When she went to tell Edna the news shesaid,"Edna,I have good news and bad news.The good newsis you're being discharged; since you were able torationally respond to a crisis by jumping in andsaving the life of another patient, I have concludedthat your act displays sound mindedness. "The badnews is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself inthe bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after yousaved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Ednareplied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there todry. How soon can I go home?"ssrdo
Friday, November 11, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 11th
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SawmillTwo men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it. The second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you doing?" The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it. The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit. He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, "I found it!" The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, "Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it."
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An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk aroundthe local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone, he said,"There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars,but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and ifanyone has gone to heaven, he has."They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there'sa different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars,and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyonehas gone to hell, he has."The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know,Grandpa, you are very lucky.""Why?" asked the old man in surprise."Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money todraw on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ball Markers
A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. "
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big smile hands the guy a quarter.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room." - Winston Churchill
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Wedding Verses
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18":
"For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend:1.If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send yourbid by FedEx.2.If your computer says "Printer out of paper", thisproblem cannot be solved by clicking the "OK" button.3.If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work,you need to hook it up to the water source. Airdoesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.4.No matter how much data you add to your laptopcomputer, it will not get any heavier.5.A bad place to store your emergency backup disketteis on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by alarge magnet.6.It's OK to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.7.When the PC says "Insert Diskette #2" don't do itimmediately. Remove Diskette #1 first, even if you'resure you can make them both fit in there.8.When your PC says "You have mail", don't go to thecompany mail room and look for a package.9.The French version of the Netscape Navigatordoesn't translate English web pages into French.10.If you're in the armed services, and it's April1st, and you get a call from Col. Sanders for neworders....DON'T CALL BACK!11.If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad,you don't have to specify whether it's for Windows orMac.12.You do not need your passport to get into NewMexico.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Rules of dieting...If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, thecalories in the candy bar are canceled out by the dietsoda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks.Example: rum and diet coke)When you eat with someone else, calories don'tcount if they eat more than you do.When you eat with someone else, your calories don'tcount if they eat more than you do.Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVERcount. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara LeeCheesecake.If you fatten everyone else around you, then you lookthinner.Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn,Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do nothave additional calories because everyone knows thatmovies aren't real.When preparing food, things licked off spoons andknives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on aknife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoonwhen making a sundae; cakefrosting.Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.Foods that are the the same color have the samenumber of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachioice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note:Chocolate is a universal color and may be substitutedfor any other food color.)Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foodshave no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozenpies and Popsicles.Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertainsto their particular, unique situation.Click
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Military TimeMy wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall."He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
SawmillTwo men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it. The second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you doing?" The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it. The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit. He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, "I found it!" The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, "Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk aroundthe local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone, he said,"There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars,but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and ifanyone has gone to heaven, he has."They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there'sa different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars,and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyonehas gone to hell, he has."The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know,Grandpa, you are very lucky.""Why?" asked the old man in surprise."Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money todraw on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ball Markers
A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. "
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big smile hands the guy a quarter.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room." - Winston Churchill
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Wedding Verses
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18":
"For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend:1.If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send yourbid by FedEx.2.If your computer says "Printer out of paper", thisproblem cannot be solved by clicking the "OK" button.3.If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work,you need to hook it up to the water source. Airdoesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.4.No matter how much data you add to your laptopcomputer, it will not get any heavier.5.A bad place to store your emergency backup disketteis on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by alarge magnet.6.It's OK to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.7.When the PC says "Insert Diskette #2" don't do itimmediately. Remove Diskette #1 first, even if you'resure you can make them both fit in there.8.When your PC says "You have mail", don't go to thecompany mail room and look for a package.9.The French version of the Netscape Navigatordoesn't translate English web pages into French.10.If you're in the armed services, and it's April1st, and you get a call from Col. Sanders for neworders....DON'T CALL BACK!11.If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad,you don't have to specify whether it's for Windows orMac.12.You do not need your passport to get into NewMexico.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Rules of dieting...If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, thecalories in the candy bar are canceled out by the dietsoda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks.Example: rum and diet coke)When you eat with someone else, calories don'tcount if they eat more than you do.When you eat with someone else, your calories don'tcount if they eat more than you do.Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVERcount. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara LeeCheesecake.If you fatten everyone else around you, then you lookthinner.Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn,Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do nothave additional calories because everyone knows thatmovies aren't real.When preparing food, things licked off spoons andknives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on aknife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoonwhen making a sundae; cakefrosting.Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.Foods that are the the same color have the samenumber of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachioice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note:Chocolate is a universal color and may be substitutedfor any other food color.)Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foodshave no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozenpies and Popsicles.Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertainsto their particular, unique situation.Click
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Military TimeMy wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall."He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
hUMOR For Nov 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Need a Raise!The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History department.""Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported."Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. Iroutinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myselfwith their capabilities. One day I was aboard anintelligence aircraft where each crew member was surroundedby complex gear.A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chatscreen, sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemyinformation to the crew. It's like instant messaging."Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman'sscreen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! Thecolonel's on the way!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. "I'm going to be the Pope," he said.
"Jake, you can't be the Pope," I said. "You're not Catholic.You're Lutheran."
Jake hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked,
"Is Dracula a Lutheran?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pie Manners
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.
This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Everything
Q. What do you give a man who has everything?
A. Antibiotics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.B.S. for this favorite:THE PAINS OF CHILDBIRTHHere are the answers to some questions that you mayhave had about pregnancy:Q. Should I have a baby after 35?A. No, 35 children is enough.Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my babymove?A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sicknessor the flu?A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.Q. What is the most reliable method to determine ababy's sex?A. Childbirth.Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody thatsometimes she's borderline irrational.A. So what's your question?Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'llfeel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might becalled an air current.Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the deliveryroom while my wife is in labor?A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything toyou.Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recoveringfrom childbirth?A. Yes, pregnancy.Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame itfor.Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wifebegin to feel and act normal again?A. When the kids are in college.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: I guarantee you will remember the taleof the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a monthfrom now, a year from now.A frail old man went to live with his son,daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The oldman's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, andhis step faltered. The family ate together at thetable. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands andfailing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled offhis spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass,milkspilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-lawbecame irritated with the mess. "We must do somethingabout Grandfather," said the son. I've hadenough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food onthe floor.So the husband and wife set a small table in thecorner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest ofthe family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfatherhad broken a dish or two, his food was served in awooden bowl.When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction,sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.Still, the only words the couple had for him weresharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilledfood.The four-year-old watched it all in silence. Oneevening before supper, the father noticed his sonplaying with wood scraps on the floor. He askedthe child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just assweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a littlebowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I growup." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.The words so struck the parents so that they werespeechless. Then tears started to stream down theircheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knewwhat must be done.That evening, the husband took Grandfather's hand andgently led him back to the family table. For theremainder of his days he ate every meal with thefamily. And for some reason, neither husband nor wifeseemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped,milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Need a Raise!The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History department.""Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported."Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. Iroutinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myselfwith their capabilities. One day I was aboard anintelligence aircraft where each crew member was surroundedby complex gear.A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chatscreen, sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemyinformation to the crew. It's like instant messaging."Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman'sscreen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! Thecolonel's on the way!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. "I'm going to be the Pope," he said.
"Jake, you can't be the Pope," I said. "You're not Catholic.You're Lutheran."
Jake hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked,
"Is Dracula a Lutheran?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pie Manners
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.
This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Everything
Q. What do you give a man who has everything?
A. Antibiotics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.B.S. for this favorite:THE PAINS OF CHILDBIRTHHere are the answers to some questions that you mayhave had about pregnancy:Q. Should I have a baby after 35?A. No, 35 children is enough.Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my babymove?A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sicknessor the flu?A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.Q. What is the most reliable method to determine ababy's sex?A. Childbirth.Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody thatsometimes she's borderline irrational.A. So what's your question?Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'llfeel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might becalled an air current.Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the deliveryroom while my wife is in labor?A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything toyou.Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recoveringfrom childbirth?A. Yes, pregnancy.Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame itfor.Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wifebegin to feel and act normal again?A. When the kids are in college.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: I guarantee you will remember the taleof the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a monthfrom now, a year from now.A frail old man went to live with his son,daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The oldman's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, andhis step faltered. The family ate together at thetable. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands andfailing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled offhis spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass,milkspilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-lawbecame irritated with the mess. "We must do somethingabout Grandfather," said the son. I've hadenough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food onthe floor.So the husband and wife set a small table in thecorner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest ofthe family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfatherhad broken a dish or two, his food was served in awooden bowl.When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction,sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.Still, the only words the couple had for him weresharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilledfood.The four-year-old watched it all in silence. Oneevening before supper, the father noticed his sonplaying with wood scraps on the floor. He askedthe child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just assweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a littlebowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I growup." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.The words so struck the parents so that they werespeechless. Then tears started to stream down theircheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knewwhat must be done.That evening, the husband took Grandfather's hand andgently led him back to the family table. For theremainder of his days he ate every meal with thefamily. And for some reason, neither husband nor wifeseemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped,milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 9th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is afull-size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allowsvisitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of whatthe pilot sees and feels.A guide at the top of the ramp points out the variouscontrols and gauges in the cockpit and gives informationabout the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who getsin.When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemedfascinated by all he saw and heard. Then he looked out at usand said, "Grandma, could I have a quarter?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever Driven a Honda?
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
?Don?t let realism temper your faith ? let faith temper your realism.? -Y. Knott
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Thoughtful Husbands
Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, a woman arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C. airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked: "What is your reason for entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?"
He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England. Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same businesslike tone:
"Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN:1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in yoursocks and discover you aren't wearing any.3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, popand you're not eating cereal.4. Your back goes out but you stay home.5. When you wake up looking like your driver'slicense picture.6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on thepatio.8. When happy hour is a nap.9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs outbefore your money does..10. When you say something to your kids that yourmother said to you and you always hated it.11. When all you want for your birthday is to not bereminded of your age.12. When you step off a curb and look down one moretime to make sure the street is still there.13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lastslonger.16. Your address book has mostly names that start withDr.17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in theparking lot.20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflectionfrom the sun on your bifocals.21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn'twork.23. You look for your glasses for half an hour andthey were on your head the whole time.24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they staythere.25. You give up all your bad habits and still don'tfeel good.26. You have more patience, but it is actually thatyou just don't care anymore.27. You finally get your head together and your bodystarts falling apart.28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when youdon't even remember being on top of it.
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is afull-size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allowsvisitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of whatthe pilot sees and feels.A guide at the top of the ramp points out the variouscontrols and gauges in the cockpit and gives informationabout the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who getsin.When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemedfascinated by all he saw and heard. Then he looked out at usand said, "Grandma, could I have a quarter?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever Driven a Honda?
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
?Don?t let realism temper your faith ? let faith temper your realism.? -Y. Knott
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Thoughtful Husbands
Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, a woman arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C. airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked: "What is your reason for entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?"
He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England. Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same businesslike tone:
"Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN:1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in yoursocks and discover you aren't wearing any.3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, popand you're not eating cereal.4. Your back goes out but you stay home.5. When you wake up looking like your driver'slicense picture.6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on thepatio.8. When happy hour is a nap.9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs outbefore your money does..10. When you say something to your kids that yourmother said to you and you always hated it.11. When all you want for your birthday is to not bereminded of your age.12. When you step off a curb and look down one moretime to make sure the street is still there.13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lastslonger.16. Your address book has mostly names that start withDr.17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in theparking lot.20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflectionfrom the sun on your bifocals.21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn'twork.23. You look for your glasses for half an hour andthey were on your head the whole time.24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they staythere.25. You give up all your bad habits and still don'tfeel good.26. You have more patience, but it is actually thatyou just don't care anymore.27. You finally get your head together and your bodystarts falling apart.28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when youdon't even remember being on top of it.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 8th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Husband's Check
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride, Mrs. Stanford Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the first time.
When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Stanford Strothers."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard theUSS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined andgiven extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward tocelebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoledhimself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "Theycan bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away mybirthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased.When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't takeaway my birthday."The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed theinternational date line -- and it was July 23.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what on earth gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Control and Escape
The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"My inferiority complex is not as good as yours."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Ruth
Ruth rode upon my motor bike, directly back of me.I hit a bump at 95, and rode on Ruthlessly.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Random "Sayings" -- Those who iron clothes have a lot of pressing demands.I was being shown round a cheese factory the otherday, when I fell into a giant vat of milk by-product."I'm sorry," I said. "Am I in your whey?"A box of food you buy for breakfast will have a cerealnumber on it.Big cities make haze while the sun shines.On the old trains the engineer had a lot of esteem.I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's toolittle to go by itself.When I took the astronomy class, I was the star pupil(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forestcelebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to singlouder and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing thatthe Sheriff's men might hear the band celebrate,dragged the friar into the woods and threw him in theriver...but Tuck climbed out and continued singingwithout missing a note. The moral of the story? Youcan lead a drunk to water, but you cannot make himhoarse.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jill was standing in front of a soda machine saying,"You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much ofa future, either. People are going to be punching youall your life. Then you are going to be replaced by amuch better looking button." I foolishly asked whatshe was doing. Jill pointed to the notice on the frontof the machine, which said, "Depress button for ice."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While on vacation, I was driving through the Arizonacountryside when I saw a middle-aged smiling squaw ata stand by the roadside. She was surrounded by sixteenhappy laughing children ranging in age from a toddlerto a teen-ager. I stopped and asked, "Are those allyour children?" "Oh, yes," replied the Indian women whilesimultaneously trying to sell me blankets and otherrelics on her stand. "With a huge family like that,don't you have lots of fights and arguments?" "Oh, no," she declared with a chuckle,"We're just onegreat big Hopi family."
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A teller of fortunes did sigh. "Crystal ball doesn't work!" she did cry. "Manufacturer, please Fix the ball." He agrees. "We'll look into it," comes the reply. (Kirk Miller)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A hosiery factory employee would have loved to stopand chat with her friends who were working on thesock-knitting machines but she had a tights scheduleso she had to run. (Tiff Wimberly)
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Mothers everywhere want their children to give peas achance.When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can betyou're in a public rest room.My girlfriend's idea of exercise is trying on dressesfor three hours every Saturday. I finally had to tellher, "I don't think this is working out." (DavidReihmer)Only two things are infinite, the universe and humanstupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. (AlbertEinstein)What do you get when you cross a hog, a billiardsstick, and a fir tree? Pork Cue Pine (James Ertner)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A mime had a show to do, but also had a very badcough. He went to a health foods store and asked forsomething for his cough. The clerk suggested that hemake some cinnamon stick and thyme tea. The next dayin Variety, a headline said, "A stick in thyme saves mime." (Rilla Marshall)
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Paper ViewI sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
Husband's Check
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride, Mrs. Stanford Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the first time.
When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Stanford Strothers."
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Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard theUSS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined andgiven extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward tocelebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoledhimself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "Theycan bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away mybirthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased.When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't takeaway my birthday."The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed theinternational date line -- and it was July 23.
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After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what on earth gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Control and Escape
The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"My inferiority complex is not as good as yours."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Ruth
Ruth rode upon my motor bike, directly back of me.I hit a bump at 95, and rode on Ruthlessly.
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Random "Sayings" -- Those who iron clothes have a lot of pressing demands.I was being shown round a cheese factory the otherday, when I fell into a giant vat of milk by-product."I'm sorry," I said. "Am I in your whey?"A box of food you buy for breakfast will have a cerealnumber on it.Big cities make haze while the sun shines.On the old trains the engineer had a lot of esteem.I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's toolittle to go by itself.When I took the astronomy class, I was the star pupil(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forestcelebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to singlouder and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing thatthe Sheriff's men might hear the band celebrate,dragged the friar into the woods and threw him in theriver...but Tuck climbed out and continued singingwithout missing a note. The moral of the story? Youcan lead a drunk to water, but you cannot make himhoarse.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jill was standing in front of a soda machine saying,"You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much ofa future, either. People are going to be punching youall your life. Then you are going to be replaced by amuch better looking button." I foolishly asked whatshe was doing. Jill pointed to the notice on the frontof the machine, which said, "Depress button for ice."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While on vacation, I was driving through the Arizonacountryside when I saw a middle-aged smiling squaw ata stand by the roadside. She was surrounded by sixteenhappy laughing children ranging in age from a toddlerto a teen-ager. I stopped and asked, "Are those allyour children?" "Oh, yes," replied the Indian women whilesimultaneously trying to sell me blankets and otherrelics on her stand. "With a huge family like that,don't you have lots of fights and arguments?" "Oh, no," she declared with a chuckle,"We're just onegreat big Hopi family."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A teller of fortunes did sigh. "Crystal ball doesn't work!" she did cry. "Manufacturer, please Fix the ball." He agrees. "We'll look into it," comes the reply. (Kirk Miller)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A hosiery factory employee would have loved to stopand chat with her friends who were working on thesock-knitting machines but she had a tights scheduleso she had to run. (Tiff Wimberly)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mothers everywhere want their children to give peas achance.When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can betyou're in a public rest room.My girlfriend's idea of exercise is trying on dressesfor three hours every Saturday. I finally had to tellher, "I don't think this is working out." (DavidReihmer)Only two things are infinite, the universe and humanstupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. (AlbertEinstein)What do you get when you cross a hog, a billiardsstick, and a fir tree? Pork Cue Pine (James Ertner)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A mime had a show to do, but also had a very badcough. He went to a health foods store and asked forsomething for his cough. The clerk suggested that hemake some cinnamon stick and thyme tea. The next dayin Variety, a headline said, "A stick in thyme saves mime." (Rilla Marshall)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paper ViewI sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
Monday, November 07, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 6th
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Tax FormsIt was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked."My son is overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base.""You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.""I know. I'm the base commander's mother."
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Dr. Dress
During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.
The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."
Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.
I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs--jolted by every pebble in the road." - Henry Ward Beecher
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Here is today's Illustration. - Modest Dress
Oh Doctor!" said the young lady prior to her surgery, "Will the scar show? "
"Not in church, madam," replied the doctor, "but anywhere else, it's entirely up to you......"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One finalpush and the baby comes out. Above the baby's pitifulfirst cries, she hears the horrified gasps of thedoctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushedaway before she can see it. Later, a doctor comes inand says, "I'm afraid there's a...problem with yournew son. It seems he was born without a body."She stammers, "You mean...""Yes," the doctor says, "he's just a head. But, on thebright side, he's a perfectly healthy and normalhead."The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting herson (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near thewindow so he can look out at the other childrenplaying. One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been ahorrible accident, and a young man has been completelydecapitated. There is a good chance that her son'shead can be attached to the victim's body!She dropsthe phone, runs upstairs to where her son has restedmost of his life and says, "Son! I have the mostwonderful surprise for you!"The kid looks up at her and sighs, "I hope it's notanother hat."
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What is a hairdresser's favorite show? The Braided Bunch! (Tony, 11)What do you call a hippo with chicken pox? A hippo-spot-amus! (Isaac, 4)What city cheats at exams? Peking!What do you get when you cross an elephant with adairy cow? Peanut butter.Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to a shell station.What kind of music do convicts dance to? Rock 'n' parole. (Betty Debnam)What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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A favorite -- From a Baptist Preacher (of course...)Three ministers were sitting in a retirement homediscussing religion; a Baptist, a Methodist and aPresbyterian. They start talking about religionsother than their own that they admired the most.The Presbyterian Minister said, "I've always admiredthe Catholics, with their formality, the architecture,the Latin and the grandeur of Mass. I think if I hadnot been a Presbyterian, I might have been aCatholic."The Methodist Minister chimed in and said, "I'vealways admired the Amish, with their simple approachto life, their closeness to God and the land. If Ihadn't been a Methodist, I think I would have like tohave been Amish."The two then turned to their Baptist Brother who hadsuddenly become very quiet. One of them asked, "WellBrother, if you hadn't been a Baptist, what would youhave been?"His one word reply, "Ashamed."
Tax FormsIt was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked."My son is overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base.""You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.""I know. I'm the base commander's mother."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Dress
During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.
The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."
Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.
I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs--jolted by every pebble in the road." - Henry Ward Beecher
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Modest Dress
Oh Doctor!" said the young lady prior to her surgery, "Will the scar show? "
"Not in church, madam," replied the doctor, "but anywhere else, it's entirely up to you......"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One finalpush and the baby comes out. Above the baby's pitifulfirst cries, she hears the horrified gasps of thedoctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushedaway before she can see it. Later, a doctor comes inand says, "I'm afraid there's a...problem with yournew son. It seems he was born without a body."She stammers, "You mean...""Yes," the doctor says, "he's just a head. But, on thebright side, he's a perfectly healthy and normalhead."The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting herson (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near thewindow so he can look out at the other childrenplaying. One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been ahorrible accident, and a young man has been completelydecapitated. There is a good chance that her son'shead can be attached to the victim's body!She dropsthe phone, runs upstairs to where her son has restedmost of his life and says, "Son! I have the mostwonderful surprise for you!"The kid looks up at her and sighs, "I hope it's notanother hat."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is a hairdresser's favorite show? The Braided Bunch! (Tony, 11)What do you call a hippo with chicken pox? A hippo-spot-amus! (Isaac, 4)What city cheats at exams? Peking!What do you get when you cross an elephant with adairy cow? Peanut butter.Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to a shell station.What kind of music do convicts dance to? Rock 'n' parole. (Betty Debnam)What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A favorite -- From a Baptist Preacher (of course...)Three ministers were sitting in a retirement homediscussing religion; a Baptist, a Methodist and aPresbyterian. They start talking about religionsother than their own that they admired the most.The Presbyterian Minister said, "I've always admiredthe Catholics, with their formality, the architecture,the Latin and the grandeur of Mass. I think if I hadnot been a Presbyterian, I might have been aCatholic."The Methodist Minister chimed in and said, "I'vealways admired the Amish, with their simple approachto life, their closeness to God and the land. If Ihadn't been a Methodist, I think I would have like tohave been Amish."The two then turned to their Baptist Brother who hadsuddenly become very quiet. One of them asked, "WellBrother, if you hadn't been a Baptist, what would youhave been?"His one word reply, "Ashamed."
Saturday, November 05, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 5th
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Division of LaborThe couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation."It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.""And you?""I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."
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Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History aremarveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, andsix months old.""That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How doyou know their age so precisely?"The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were threemillion years old when I started working here, and that wasfour and a half years ago!"Received from WestiMom.
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The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed,
"I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale.
Then I found myself trying it on.
It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him!
Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Station Help
An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was paralyzed.
A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.
"Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money to buy me a ticket to Philadelphia."
The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man on the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him.
"I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town specialist?"
"A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?"
"To treat you for the trouble with your hands."
"But, I have no trouble with my hands."
"Of course you have trouble with your hands. Why, you couldn't even reach into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket."
"Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that when I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Grandchildren are God's reward for you not killing your own children."
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Constitution
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said, "Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?"
Ben Franklin replied, "Shall I open the window?"
"No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves."
"Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?"
"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- ExerciseThe Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.I told him pushing 75 was enough exercise for me!!! Sooooooo Not wanting to harm this old body, I'vedevised the following: Beat around the bush Jump to conclusions Climb the walls Wade through the morning paper Drag my heels Push my luck Make Mountains out of mole hills Hit the nail on the head Bend over backwards Jump on the Band Wagon Run around in circles Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire Open a can of worms Put my foot in my mouth Start the ball rolling Go over the edge Pick up the pieces. Kneel in prayer Bow my head in thanksgiving Uplift my hands in praise Hug someone and encourage them What a Workout!
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Thanks to D & L S: 15 Things You Probably Never Knewor Thought About 1. At least 5 people in this world love you so muchthey would die for you. 2. At least 15 people in this world love you in someway. 3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you isbecause they want to be just like you. 4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,even if they don't like you. 5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before theygo to sleep. 6. You mean the world to someone. 7. If not for you, someone may not be living. 8. You are special and unique. 9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. 10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, somethinggood comes from it. 11. When you think the world has turned its back onyou, take a look: you most likely turned your back onthe world. 12. When you think you have no chance of getting whatyou want, you probably won't get it, but if youbelieve in yourself, probably, sooner or later, youwill get it. 13. Always remember the compliments you received.Forget about the rude remarks. 14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; youwill feel much better when they know. 15. If you have a great friend, take the time to letthem know that they are great.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to D & L S: A Minute -- They say it takes a minute to find a special person,an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, butthen an entire life to forget them. Take the time...to live and love.
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JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBERBlonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Division of LaborThe couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation."It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.""And you?""I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History aremarveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, andsix months old.""That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How doyou know their age so precisely?"The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were threemillion years old when I started working here, and that wasfour and a half years ago!"Received from WestiMom.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed,
"I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale.
Then I found myself trying it on.
It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him!
Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Station Help
An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was paralyzed.
A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.
"Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money to buy me a ticket to Philadelphia."
The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man on the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him.
"I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town specialist?"
"A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?"
"To treat you for the trouble with your hands."
"But, I have no trouble with my hands."
"Of course you have trouble with your hands. Why, you couldn't even reach into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket."
"Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that when I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Grandchildren are God's reward for you not killing your own children."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Constitution
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said, "Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?"
Ben Franklin replied, "Shall I open the window?"
"No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves."
"Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?"
"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- ExerciseThe Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.I told him pushing 75 was enough exercise for me!!! Sooooooo Not wanting to harm this old body, I'vedevised the following: Beat around the bush Jump to conclusions Climb the walls Wade through the morning paper Drag my heels Push my luck Make Mountains out of mole hills Hit the nail on the head Bend over backwards Jump on the Band Wagon Run around in circles Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire Open a can of worms Put my foot in my mouth Start the ball rolling Go over the edge Pick up the pieces. Kneel in prayer Bow my head in thanksgiving Uplift my hands in praise Hug someone and encourage them What a Workout!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to D & L S: 15 Things You Probably Never Knewor Thought About 1. At least 5 people in this world love you so muchthey would die for you. 2. At least 15 people in this world love you in someway. 3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you isbecause they want to be just like you. 4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,even if they don't like you. 5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before theygo to sleep. 6. You mean the world to someone. 7. If not for you, someone may not be living. 8. You are special and unique. 9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. 10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, somethinggood comes from it. 11. When you think the world has turned its back onyou, take a look: you most likely turned your back onthe world. 12. When you think you have no chance of getting whatyou want, you probably won't get it, but if youbelieve in yourself, probably, sooner or later, youwill get it. 13. Always remember the compliments you received.Forget about the rude remarks. 14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; youwill feel much better when they know. 15. If you have a great friend, take the time to letthem know that they are great.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to D & L S: A Minute -- They say it takes a minute to find a special person,an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, butthen an entire life to forget them. Take the time...to live and love.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBERBlonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Friday, November 04, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 4th
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Words Women UseFineThis is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.Five MinutesIf she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.NothingThis is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".Go AheadThis is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT! !Loud SighAlthough not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".That's OkayThis is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.ThanksThis is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
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While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flaton my face.As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and calledout, "Are you hurt?""No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern."Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating yourparking space now?"
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Little Johnny's mother knew that her son had beentelling a lot of lies as of late. So she had madearrangements for Little Johnny to go over to talk totheir priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were compulsive liars.So Little Johnny's mother asks him if he would go overto the parsonage and help the priest with some chores.Little Johnny, being a very helpful kid, went over.Upon answering the door the priest asks Little Johnnyif he was at church Sunday and, of course, he lied andsaid yes."Well," said the priest, "I guess you saw whathappened at church Sunday?""Yes," said Little Johnny, again lying."I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come throughthe front door and up the aisle grabbing people fromtheir seats and eating them up, every last one ofthem!" said the priest."Yea," said Little Johnny."Well I guess you saw that little beagle dog come inright behind him," said the priest, "They stared eachother down, and then they met right in the middle ofthe church, biting, scratching, and finally thatlittle beagle killed that big-o-grizzly bear."The priest looked Little Johnny straight in the eyeand asked "Little Johnny, do you honest to God believethat story?"Little Johnny said without a quiver "I sure dopreacher that was my DOG!!!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TEN RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Saythis with a serious face, and shudder delicatelywhenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos whendisturbed. Rename the area under the couch "TheGalapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens providea helpful filter against harmful and aging rays fromthe sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave italone.4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces theglare from the bulb, thereby creating a romanticatmosphere. If your husband points out that the lightfixtures need dusting, simply look affronted andexclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazardtower of unread magazines and newspapers next to yourchair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of atiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll youreyes when you say this.6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up againstthe doorways by claiming you are collecting it thereto use for stuffing handsewn play animals forunderprivileged children.7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everythingunsightly into one room and close the door. As youshow your guests through your tidy home, rattle thedoor knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd loveyou to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbedand the shots are SO expensive."8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place ashowy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS iswhere Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightlyover a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, andtry to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior didthis the week before that unspeakable accident... Ihaven't had the heart to clean it..."10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleanerwith four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist theair lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuouslocations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourselfonto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and Istill don't get anywhere..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cannibals tell the truth! A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please.. don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you dummies ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
Words Women UseFineThis is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.Five MinutesIf she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.NothingThis is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".Go AheadThis is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT! !Loud SighAlthough not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".That's OkayThis is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.ThanksThis is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flaton my face.As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and calledout, "Are you hurt?""No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern."Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating yourparking space now?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny's mother knew that her son had beentelling a lot of lies as of late. So she had madearrangements for Little Johnny to go over to talk totheir priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were compulsive liars.So Little Johnny's mother asks him if he would go overto the parsonage and help the priest with some chores.Little Johnny, being a very helpful kid, went over.Upon answering the door the priest asks Little Johnnyif he was at church Sunday and, of course, he lied andsaid yes."Well," said the priest, "I guess you saw whathappened at church Sunday?""Yes," said Little Johnny, again lying."I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come throughthe front door and up the aisle grabbing people fromtheir seats and eating them up, every last one ofthem!" said the priest."Yea," said Little Johnny."Well I guess you saw that little beagle dog come inright behind him," said the priest, "They stared eachother down, and then they met right in the middle ofthe church, biting, scratching, and finally thatlittle beagle killed that big-o-grizzly bear."The priest looked Little Johnny straight in the eyeand asked "Little Johnny, do you honest to God believethat story?"Little Johnny said without a quiver "I sure dopreacher that was my DOG!!!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TEN RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Saythis with a serious face, and shudder delicatelywhenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos whendisturbed. Rename the area under the couch "TheGalapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens providea helpful filter against harmful and aging rays fromthe sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave italone.4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces theglare from the bulb, thereby creating a romanticatmosphere. If your husband points out that the lightfixtures need dusting, simply look affronted andexclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazardtower of unread magazines and newspapers next to yourchair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of atiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll youreyes when you say this.6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up againstthe doorways by claiming you are collecting it thereto use for stuffing handsewn play animals forunderprivileged children.7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everythingunsightly into one room and close the door. As youshow your guests through your tidy home, rattle thedoor knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd loveyou to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbedand the shots are SO expensive."8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place ashowy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS iswhere Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightlyover a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, andtry to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior didthis the week before that unspeakable accident... Ihaven't had the heart to clean it..."10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleanerwith four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist theair lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuouslocations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourselfonto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and Istill don't get anywhere..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cannibals tell the truth! A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please.. don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you dummies ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
Thursday, November 03, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 3rd
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Truthfully SpeakingA cowboy went to buy an insurance policy. The agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident?""Nope," replied the cowboy, "last summer, a bronc kicked in two of my ribs ... and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle.""Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent."Naw," the cowboy replied. "They did it on purpose!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with youwritten by the Brothers TRIMM.When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in atower.I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel inTHESE TRESSES!The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day afterday, knight after knight would try to climb the tower, whichwas so tall the FOLLICLE you!They would climb my BRAID, and if they weren't so handsome,I would give them the BRUSH off.Gee, I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for beingsuch a big TEASE.One day, a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried torescue me.He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.I said, "COMB and SHAVE me!"The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.And let me tell you, Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLEwith.Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and hadtwins.But, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed toomany CONDITIONERS on our marriage, which were reallyCRIMPING my STYLE.So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.It came down to SPLITTING HAIRS (heirs) so he took one twinand I took the other.So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want aLATHER RINSE REPEAT... (read the shampoo label).And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair fromBLONDE to brown and this new color is to DYE for.After all, BRUNETTES have more pun.Well, that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.I bid you all ADO!(By Tiff Wimberly)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well. The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in. The Doctor says, "Lou, sit down. I've got some bad news. You don't have much time to live."
Lou is obviously upset about this, but asks, "How much longer do I have doc?"
The doctor says, "10."
Lou says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?"
The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Epitaph Adjustment
A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat." - Marcus Brigstocke
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Costume
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During anoral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new"on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have ifwe placed a "K" in the front?"After a moment's reflection, Johnny smiled and said,"Canoe?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot atcounting money and adding up figures."Where did you get your finance education?" he asked."Yale," replied the lad."And what's your name?" barked the manager."Yim Yohnston," he replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From our archives --Redneck Fisherman Love PoemCollards is green, my dog's name is Blueand I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.You move like the bass, which excite me in May.You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yoreman,to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinylsidin'.despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,we go together like a skunk goes with stank.Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.Some men git roses on that special dayfrom the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth."Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.But for this man, honey, these won't do.Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,more useful than diamonds: IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
Truthfully SpeakingA cowboy went to buy an insurance policy. The agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident?""Nope," replied the cowboy, "last summer, a bronc kicked in two of my ribs ... and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle.""Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent."Naw," the cowboy replied. "They did it on purpose!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with youwritten by the Brothers TRIMM.When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in atower.I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel inTHESE TRESSES!The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day afterday, knight after knight would try to climb the tower, whichwas so tall the FOLLICLE you!They would climb my BRAID, and if they weren't so handsome,I would give them the BRUSH off.Gee, I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for beingsuch a big TEASE.One day, a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried torescue me.He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.I said, "COMB and SHAVE me!"The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.And let me tell you, Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLEwith.Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and hadtwins.But, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed toomany CONDITIONERS on our marriage, which were reallyCRIMPING my STYLE.So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.It came down to SPLITTING HAIRS (heirs) so he took one twinand I took the other.So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want aLATHER RINSE REPEAT... (read the shampoo label).And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair fromBLONDE to brown and this new color is to DYE for.After all, BRUNETTES have more pun.Well, that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.I bid you all ADO!(By Tiff Wimberly)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well. The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in. The Doctor says, "Lou, sit down. I've got some bad news. You don't have much time to live."
Lou is obviously upset about this, but asks, "How much longer do I have doc?"
The doctor says, "10."
Lou says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?"
The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Epitaph Adjustment
A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat." - Marcus Brigstocke
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Costume
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During anoral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new"on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have ifwe placed a "K" in the front?"After a moment's reflection, Johnny smiled and said,"Canoe?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot atcounting money and adding up figures."Where did you get your finance education?" he asked."Yale," replied the lad."And what's your name?" barked the manager."Yim Yohnston," he replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From our archives --Redneck Fisherman Love PoemCollards is green, my dog's name is Blueand I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.You move like the bass, which excite me in May.You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yoreman,to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinylsidin'.despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,we go together like a skunk goes with stank.Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.Some men git roses on that special dayfrom the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth."Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.But for this man, honey, these won't do.Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,more useful than diamonds: IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 2nd
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How True!A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?""Yes, sir," answered the boy."I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?""My father, sir.""And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly."He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hadn't read this one in a while, but it is a good'en!One day a man was walking in the woods when he gotlost. For two days he roamed around trying to find away out. He had not eaten anything during this periodand was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted abald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it.Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to findhim at that moment, and arrested him for killing anendangered species.At court, he plead innocent to the charges against himclaiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he wouldhave died from starvation.The judge ruled in his favor.In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "Iwould like you to tell me something before I let yougo. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan onit. What did it taste like?"The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a crossbetween a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Simply Terrible!A tax collector knocked on the door of a countrydebtor. "Is Bill home?" he asked the woman whoanswered the door."Sorry," the woman replied. "Bill's gone for cotton."The next day, the collector tried again. "Is Bill heretoday?""No, sir," she said. "I'm afraid Bill has gone forcotton."When he returned the third day, he humphed, "And Isuppose Bill has gone for cotton again today?""No," the woman answered solemnly. "Bill diedyesterday." She wiped a tear with a tear-stainedhanky.Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collectordecided to wait a week and investigate the cemeteryhimself, where, sure enough, there was poor Bill'stombstone with the inscription, "Gone, But Not forCotton."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman walked into a pet store. "I haven't got muchmoney", she told the clerk, "so I'd like to know ifyou've got any kittens you'll let go cheap"."I'd let them, Ma'am." said the clerk, "but theyprefer to meow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both itsgood points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'mgoing to tell you about both."The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant oneblock south and a slaughterhouse a block north.""What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer."The advantage is that you can always tell which way thewind is blowing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Ready
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume party."
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Dear Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder - and your hand over my mouth."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Work Ethic
I worked as an accountant in a paper mill where my boss decided that it would improve motivation to split a bonus between the two shifts based on what percentage of the total production each one accomplished.
The workers quickly realized that it was easier to sabotage the next shift than to make more paper. Co-workers put glue in locks, loosened nuts on equipment so it would fall apart, you name it. The bonus scheme was abandoned after about ten days, to avoid all out civil war.
How True!A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?""Yes, sir," answered the boy."I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?""My father, sir.""And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly."He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hadn't read this one in a while, but it is a good'en!One day a man was walking in the woods when he gotlost. For two days he roamed around trying to find away out. He had not eaten anything during this periodand was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted abald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it.Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to findhim at that moment, and arrested him for killing anendangered species.At court, he plead innocent to the charges against himclaiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he wouldhave died from starvation.The judge ruled in his favor.In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "Iwould like you to tell me something before I let yougo. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan onit. What did it taste like?"The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a crossbetween a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Simply Terrible!A tax collector knocked on the door of a countrydebtor. "Is Bill home?" he asked the woman whoanswered the door."Sorry," the woman replied. "Bill's gone for cotton."The next day, the collector tried again. "Is Bill heretoday?""No, sir," she said. "I'm afraid Bill has gone forcotton."When he returned the third day, he humphed, "And Isuppose Bill has gone for cotton again today?""No," the woman answered solemnly. "Bill diedyesterday." She wiped a tear with a tear-stainedhanky.Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collectordecided to wait a week and investigate the cemeteryhimself, where, sure enough, there was poor Bill'stombstone with the inscription, "Gone, But Not forCotton."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman walked into a pet store. "I haven't got muchmoney", she told the clerk, "so I'd like to know ifyou've got any kittens you'll let go cheap"."I'd let them, Ma'am." said the clerk, "but theyprefer to meow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both itsgood points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'mgoing to tell you about both."The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant oneblock south and a slaughterhouse a block north.""What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer."The advantage is that you can always tell which way thewind is blowing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Ready
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume party."
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Dear Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder - and your hand over my mouth."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Work Ethic
I worked as an accountant in a paper mill where my boss decided that it would improve motivation to split a bonus between the two shifts based on what percentage of the total production each one accomplished.
The workers quickly realized that it was easier to sabotage the next shift than to make more paper. Co-workers put glue in locks, loosened nuts on equipment so it would fall apart, you name it. The bonus scheme was abandoned after about ten days, to avoid all out civil war.
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