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Husband's Check
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride, Mrs. Stanford Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the first time.
When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Stanford Strothers."
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Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard theUSS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined andgiven extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward tocelebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoledhimself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "Theycan bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away mybirthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased.When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't takeaway my birthday."The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed theinternational date line -- and it was July 23.
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After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what on earth gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
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Control and Escape
The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"My inferiority complex is not as good as yours."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Ruth
Ruth rode upon my motor bike, directly back of me.I hit a bump at 95, and rode on Ruthlessly.
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Random "Sayings" -- Those who iron clothes have a lot of pressing demands.I was being shown round a cheese factory the otherday, when I fell into a giant vat of milk by-product."I'm sorry," I said. "Am I in your whey?"A box of food you buy for breakfast will have a cerealnumber on it.Big cities make haze while the sun shines.On the old trains the engineer had a lot of esteem.I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's toolittle to go by itself.When I took the astronomy class, I was the star pupil(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
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Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forestcelebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to singlouder and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing thatthe Sheriff's men might hear the band celebrate,dragged the friar into the woods and threw him in theriver...but Tuck climbed out and continued singingwithout missing a note. The moral of the story? Youcan lead a drunk to water, but you cannot make himhoarse.
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Jill was standing in front of a soda machine saying,"You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much ofa future, either. People are going to be punching youall your life. Then you are going to be replaced by amuch better looking button." I foolishly asked whatshe was doing. Jill pointed to the notice on the frontof the machine, which said, "Depress button for ice."
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While on vacation, I was driving through the Arizonacountryside when I saw a middle-aged smiling squaw ata stand by the roadside. She was surrounded by sixteenhappy laughing children ranging in age from a toddlerto a teen-ager. I stopped and asked, "Are those allyour children?" "Oh, yes," replied the Indian women whilesimultaneously trying to sell me blankets and otherrelics on her stand. "With a huge family like that,don't you have lots of fights and arguments?" "Oh, no," she declared with a chuckle,"We're just onegreat big Hopi family."
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A teller of fortunes did sigh. "Crystal ball doesn't work!" she did cry. "Manufacturer, please Fix the ball." He agrees. "We'll look into it," comes the reply. (Kirk Miller)
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A hosiery factory employee would have loved to stopand chat with her friends who were working on thesock-knitting machines but she had a tights scheduleso she had to run. (Tiff Wimberly)
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Mothers everywhere want their children to give peas achance.When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can betyou're in a public rest room.My girlfriend's idea of exercise is trying on dressesfor three hours every Saturday. I finally had to tellher, "I don't think this is working out." (DavidReihmer)Only two things are infinite, the universe and humanstupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. (AlbertEinstein)What do you get when you cross a hog, a billiardsstick, and a fir tree? Pork Cue Pine (James Ertner)
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A mime had a show to do, but also had a very badcough. He went to a health foods store and asked forsomething for his cough. The clerk suggested that hemake some cinnamon stick and thyme tea. The next dayin Variety, a headline said, "A stick in thyme saves mime." (Rilla Marshall)
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Paper ViewI sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Monday, November 07, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 6th
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Tax FormsIt was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked."My son is overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base.""You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.""I know. I'm the base commander's mother."
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Dr. Dress
During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.
The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."
Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.
I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs--jolted by every pebble in the road." - Henry Ward Beecher
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Here is today's Illustration. - Modest Dress
Oh Doctor!" said the young lady prior to her surgery, "Will the scar show? "
"Not in church, madam," replied the doctor, "but anywhere else, it's entirely up to you......"
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A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One finalpush and the baby comes out. Above the baby's pitifulfirst cries, she hears the horrified gasps of thedoctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushedaway before she can see it. Later, a doctor comes inand says, "I'm afraid there's a...problem with yournew son. It seems he was born without a body."She stammers, "You mean...""Yes," the doctor says, "he's just a head. But, on thebright side, he's a perfectly healthy and normalhead."The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting herson (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near thewindow so he can look out at the other childrenplaying. One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been ahorrible accident, and a young man has been completelydecapitated. There is a good chance that her son'shead can be attached to the victim's body!She dropsthe phone, runs upstairs to where her son has restedmost of his life and says, "Son! I have the mostwonderful surprise for you!"The kid looks up at her and sighs, "I hope it's notanother hat."
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What is a hairdresser's favorite show? The Braided Bunch! (Tony, 11)What do you call a hippo with chicken pox? A hippo-spot-amus! (Isaac, 4)What city cheats at exams? Peking!What do you get when you cross an elephant with adairy cow? Peanut butter.Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to a shell station.What kind of music do convicts dance to? Rock 'n' parole. (Betty Debnam)What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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A favorite -- From a Baptist Preacher (of course...)Three ministers were sitting in a retirement homediscussing religion; a Baptist, a Methodist and aPresbyterian. They start talking about religionsother than their own that they admired the most.The Presbyterian Minister said, "I've always admiredthe Catholics, with their formality, the architecture,the Latin and the grandeur of Mass. I think if I hadnot been a Presbyterian, I might have been aCatholic."The Methodist Minister chimed in and said, "I'vealways admired the Amish, with their simple approachto life, their closeness to God and the land. If Ihadn't been a Methodist, I think I would have like tohave been Amish."The two then turned to their Baptist Brother who hadsuddenly become very quiet. One of them asked, "WellBrother, if you hadn't been a Baptist, what would youhave been?"His one word reply, "Ashamed."
Tax FormsIt was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked."My son is overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base.""You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.""I know. I'm the base commander's mother."
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Dr. Dress
During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.
The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."
Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.
I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs--jolted by every pebble in the road." - Henry Ward Beecher
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Here is today's Illustration. - Modest Dress
Oh Doctor!" said the young lady prior to her surgery, "Will the scar show? "
"Not in church, madam," replied the doctor, "but anywhere else, it's entirely up to you......"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One finalpush and the baby comes out. Above the baby's pitifulfirst cries, she hears the horrified gasps of thedoctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushedaway before she can see it. Later, a doctor comes inand says, "I'm afraid there's a...problem with yournew son. It seems he was born without a body."She stammers, "You mean...""Yes," the doctor says, "he's just a head. But, on thebright side, he's a perfectly healthy and normalhead."The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting herson (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near thewindow so he can look out at the other childrenplaying. One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been ahorrible accident, and a young man has been completelydecapitated. There is a good chance that her son'shead can be attached to the victim's body!She dropsthe phone, runs upstairs to where her son has restedmost of his life and says, "Son! I have the mostwonderful surprise for you!"The kid looks up at her and sighs, "I hope it's notanother hat."
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What is a hairdresser's favorite show? The Braided Bunch! (Tony, 11)What do you call a hippo with chicken pox? A hippo-spot-amus! (Isaac, 4)What city cheats at exams? Peking!What do you get when you cross an elephant with adairy cow? Peanut butter.Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to a shell station.What kind of music do convicts dance to? Rock 'n' parole. (Betty Debnam)What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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A favorite -- From a Baptist Preacher (of course...)Three ministers were sitting in a retirement homediscussing religion; a Baptist, a Methodist and aPresbyterian. They start talking about religionsother than their own that they admired the most.The Presbyterian Minister said, "I've always admiredthe Catholics, with their formality, the architecture,the Latin and the grandeur of Mass. I think if I hadnot been a Presbyterian, I might have been aCatholic."The Methodist Minister chimed in and said, "I'vealways admired the Amish, with their simple approachto life, their closeness to God and the land. If Ihadn't been a Methodist, I think I would have like tohave been Amish."The two then turned to their Baptist Brother who hadsuddenly become very quiet. One of them asked, "WellBrother, if you hadn't been a Baptist, what would youhave been?"His one word reply, "Ashamed."
Saturday, November 05, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 5th
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Division of LaborThe couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation."It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.""And you?""I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."
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Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History aremarveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, andsix months old.""That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How doyou know their age so precisely?"The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were threemillion years old when I started working here, and that wasfour and a half years ago!"Received from WestiMom.
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The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed,
"I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale.
Then I found myself trying it on.
It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him!
Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."
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Station Help
An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was paralyzed.
A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.
"Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money to buy me a ticket to Philadelphia."
The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man on the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him.
"I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town specialist?"
"A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?"
"To treat you for the trouble with your hands."
"But, I have no trouble with my hands."
"Of course you have trouble with your hands. Why, you couldn't even reach into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket."
"Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that when I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Grandchildren are God's reward for you not killing your own children."
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Constitution
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said, "Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?"
Ben Franklin replied, "Shall I open the window?"
"No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves."
"Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?"
"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?'"
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Thanks to Marti -- ExerciseThe Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.I told him pushing 75 was enough exercise for me!!! Sooooooo Not wanting to harm this old body, I'vedevised the following: Beat around the bush Jump to conclusions Climb the walls Wade through the morning paper Drag my heels Push my luck Make Mountains out of mole hills Hit the nail on the head Bend over backwards Jump on the Band Wagon Run around in circles Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire Open a can of worms Put my foot in my mouth Start the ball rolling Go over the edge Pick up the pieces. Kneel in prayer Bow my head in thanksgiving Uplift my hands in praise Hug someone and encourage them What a Workout!
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Thanks to D & L S: 15 Things You Probably Never Knewor Thought About 1. At least 5 people in this world love you so muchthey would die for you. 2. At least 15 people in this world love you in someway. 3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you isbecause they want to be just like you. 4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,even if they don't like you. 5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before theygo to sleep. 6. You mean the world to someone. 7. If not for you, someone may not be living. 8. You are special and unique. 9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. 10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, somethinggood comes from it. 11. When you think the world has turned its back onyou, take a look: you most likely turned your back onthe world. 12. When you think you have no chance of getting whatyou want, you probably won't get it, but if youbelieve in yourself, probably, sooner or later, youwill get it. 13. Always remember the compliments you received.Forget about the rude remarks. 14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; youwill feel much better when they know. 15. If you have a great friend, take the time to letthem know that they are great.
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Thanks to D & L S: A Minute -- They say it takes a minute to find a special person,an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, butthen an entire life to forget them. Take the time...to live and love.
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JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBERBlonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Division of LaborThe couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation."It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.""And you?""I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."
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Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History aremarveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, andsix months old.""That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How doyou know their age so precisely?"The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were threemillion years old when I started working here, and that wasfour and a half years ago!"Received from WestiMom.
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The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed,
"I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale.
Then I found myself trying it on.
It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him!
Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."
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Station Help
An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was paralyzed.
A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.
"Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money to buy me a ticket to Philadelphia."
The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man on the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him.
"I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town specialist?"
"A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?"
"To treat you for the trouble with your hands."
"But, I have no trouble with my hands."
"Of course you have trouble with your hands. Why, you couldn't even reach into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket."
"Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that when I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Grandchildren are God's reward for you not killing your own children."
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Constitution
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said, "Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?"
Ben Franklin replied, "Shall I open the window?"
"No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves."
"Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?"
"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- ExerciseThe Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.I told him pushing 75 was enough exercise for me!!! Sooooooo Not wanting to harm this old body, I'vedevised the following: Beat around the bush Jump to conclusions Climb the walls Wade through the morning paper Drag my heels Push my luck Make Mountains out of mole hills Hit the nail on the head Bend over backwards Jump on the Band Wagon Run around in circles Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire Open a can of worms Put my foot in my mouth Start the ball rolling Go over the edge Pick up the pieces. Kneel in prayer Bow my head in thanksgiving Uplift my hands in praise Hug someone and encourage them What a Workout!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to D & L S: 15 Things You Probably Never Knewor Thought About 1. At least 5 people in this world love you so muchthey would die for you. 2. At least 15 people in this world love you in someway. 3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you isbecause they want to be just like you. 4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,even if they don't like you. 5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before theygo to sleep. 6. You mean the world to someone. 7. If not for you, someone may not be living. 8. You are special and unique. 9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. 10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, somethinggood comes from it. 11. When you think the world has turned its back onyou, take a look: you most likely turned your back onthe world. 12. When you think you have no chance of getting whatyou want, you probably won't get it, but if youbelieve in yourself, probably, sooner or later, youwill get it. 13. Always remember the compliments you received.Forget about the rude remarks. 14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; youwill feel much better when they know. 15. If you have a great friend, take the time to letthem know that they are great.
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Thanks to D & L S: A Minute -- They say it takes a minute to find a special person,an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, butthen an entire life to forget them. Take the time...to live and love.
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JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBERBlonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Friday, November 04, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 4th
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Words Women UseFineThis is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.Five MinutesIf she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.NothingThis is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".Go AheadThis is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT! !Loud SighAlthough not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".That's OkayThis is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.ThanksThis is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
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While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flaton my face.As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and calledout, "Are you hurt?""No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern."Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating yourparking space now?"
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Little Johnny's mother knew that her son had beentelling a lot of lies as of late. So she had madearrangements for Little Johnny to go over to talk totheir priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were compulsive liars.So Little Johnny's mother asks him if he would go overto the parsonage and help the priest with some chores.Little Johnny, being a very helpful kid, went over.Upon answering the door the priest asks Little Johnnyif he was at church Sunday and, of course, he lied andsaid yes."Well," said the priest, "I guess you saw whathappened at church Sunday?""Yes," said Little Johnny, again lying."I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come throughthe front door and up the aisle grabbing people fromtheir seats and eating them up, every last one ofthem!" said the priest."Yea," said Little Johnny."Well I guess you saw that little beagle dog come inright behind him," said the priest, "They stared eachother down, and then they met right in the middle ofthe church, biting, scratching, and finally thatlittle beagle killed that big-o-grizzly bear."The priest looked Little Johnny straight in the eyeand asked "Little Johnny, do you honest to God believethat story?"Little Johnny said without a quiver "I sure dopreacher that was my DOG!!!!"
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TEN RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Saythis with a serious face, and shudder delicatelywhenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos whendisturbed. Rename the area under the couch "TheGalapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens providea helpful filter against harmful and aging rays fromthe sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave italone.4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces theglare from the bulb, thereby creating a romanticatmosphere. If your husband points out that the lightfixtures need dusting, simply look affronted andexclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazardtower of unread magazines and newspapers next to yourchair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of atiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll youreyes when you say this.6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up againstthe doorways by claiming you are collecting it thereto use for stuffing handsewn play animals forunderprivileged children.7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everythingunsightly into one room and close the door. As youshow your guests through your tidy home, rattle thedoor knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd loveyou to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbedand the shots are SO expensive."8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place ashowy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS iswhere Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightlyover a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, andtry to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior didthis the week before that unspeakable accident... Ihaven't had the heart to clean it..."10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleanerwith four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist theair lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuouslocations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourselfonto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and Istill don't get anywhere..."
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Cannibals tell the truth! A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please.. don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you dummies ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
Words Women UseFineThis is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.Five MinutesIf she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.NothingThis is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".Go AheadThis is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT! !Loud SighAlthough not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".That's OkayThis is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.ThanksThis is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
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While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flaton my face.As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and calledout, "Are you hurt?""No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern."Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating yourparking space now?"
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Little Johnny's mother knew that her son had beentelling a lot of lies as of late. So she had madearrangements for Little Johnny to go over to talk totheir priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were compulsive liars.So Little Johnny's mother asks him if he would go overto the parsonage and help the priest with some chores.Little Johnny, being a very helpful kid, went over.Upon answering the door the priest asks Little Johnnyif he was at church Sunday and, of course, he lied andsaid yes."Well," said the priest, "I guess you saw whathappened at church Sunday?""Yes," said Little Johnny, again lying."I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come throughthe front door and up the aisle grabbing people fromtheir seats and eating them up, every last one ofthem!" said the priest."Yea," said Little Johnny."Well I guess you saw that little beagle dog come inright behind him," said the priest, "They stared eachother down, and then they met right in the middle ofthe church, biting, scratching, and finally thatlittle beagle killed that big-o-grizzly bear."The priest looked Little Johnny straight in the eyeand asked "Little Johnny, do you honest to God believethat story?"Little Johnny said without a quiver "I sure dopreacher that was my DOG!!!!"
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TEN RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Saythis with a serious face, and shudder delicatelywhenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos whendisturbed. Rename the area under the couch "TheGalapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens providea helpful filter against harmful and aging rays fromthe sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave italone.4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces theglare from the bulb, thereby creating a romanticatmosphere. If your husband points out that the lightfixtures need dusting, simply look affronted andexclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazardtower of unread magazines and newspapers next to yourchair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of atiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll youreyes when you say this.6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up againstthe doorways by claiming you are collecting it thereto use for stuffing handsewn play animals forunderprivileged children.7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everythingunsightly into one room and close the door. As youshow your guests through your tidy home, rattle thedoor knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd loveyou to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbedand the shots are SO expensive."8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place ashowy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS iswhere Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightlyover a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, andtry to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior didthis the week before that unspeakable accident... Ihaven't had the heart to clean it..."10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleanerwith four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist theair lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuouslocations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourselfonto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and Istill don't get anywhere..."
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Cannibals tell the truth! A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please.. don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you dummies ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
Thursday, November 03, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 3rd
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Truthfully SpeakingA cowboy went to buy an insurance policy. The agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident?""Nope," replied the cowboy, "last summer, a bronc kicked in two of my ribs ... and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle.""Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent."Naw," the cowboy replied. "They did it on purpose!"
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Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with youwritten by the Brothers TRIMM.When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in atower.I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel inTHESE TRESSES!The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day afterday, knight after knight would try to climb the tower, whichwas so tall the FOLLICLE you!They would climb my BRAID, and if they weren't so handsome,I would give them the BRUSH off.Gee, I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for beingsuch a big TEASE.One day, a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried torescue me.He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.I said, "COMB and SHAVE me!"The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.And let me tell you, Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLEwith.Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and hadtwins.But, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed toomany CONDITIONERS on our marriage, which were reallyCRIMPING my STYLE.So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.It came down to SPLITTING HAIRS (heirs) so he took one twinand I took the other.So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want aLATHER RINSE REPEAT... (read the shampoo label).And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair fromBLONDE to brown and this new color is to DYE for.After all, BRUNETTES have more pun.Well, that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.I bid you all ADO!(By Tiff Wimberly)
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Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well. The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in. The Doctor says, "Lou, sit down. I've got some bad news. You don't have much time to live."
Lou is obviously upset about this, but asks, "How much longer do I have doc?"
The doctor says, "10."
Lou says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?"
The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."
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Epitaph Adjustment
A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat." - Marcus Brigstocke
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Costume
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."
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Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During anoral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new"on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have ifwe placed a "K" in the front?"After a moment's reflection, Johnny smiled and said,"Canoe?"
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The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot atcounting money and adding up figures."Where did you get your finance education?" he asked."Yale," replied the lad."And what's your name?" barked the manager."Yim Yohnston," he replied.
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From our archives --Redneck Fisherman Love PoemCollards is green, my dog's name is Blueand I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.You move like the bass, which excite me in May.You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yoreman,to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinylsidin'.despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,we go together like a skunk goes with stank.Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.Some men git roses on that special dayfrom the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth."Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.But for this man, honey, these won't do.Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,more useful than diamonds: IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
Truthfully SpeakingA cowboy went to buy an insurance policy. The agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident?""Nope," replied the cowboy, "last summer, a bronc kicked in two of my ribs ... and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle.""Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent."Naw," the cowboy replied. "They did it on purpose!"
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Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with youwritten by the Brothers TRIMM.When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in atower.I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel inTHESE TRESSES!The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day afterday, knight after knight would try to climb the tower, whichwas so tall the FOLLICLE you!They would climb my BRAID, and if they weren't so handsome,I would give them the BRUSH off.Gee, I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for beingsuch a big TEASE.One day, a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried torescue me.He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.I said, "COMB and SHAVE me!"The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.And let me tell you, Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLEwith.Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and hadtwins.But, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed toomany CONDITIONERS on our marriage, which were reallyCRIMPING my STYLE.So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.It came down to SPLITTING HAIRS (heirs) so he took one twinand I took the other.So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want aLATHER RINSE REPEAT... (read the shampoo label).And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair fromBLONDE to brown and this new color is to DYE for.After all, BRUNETTES have more pun.Well, that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.I bid you all ADO!(By Tiff Wimberly)
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Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well. The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in. The Doctor says, "Lou, sit down. I've got some bad news. You don't have much time to live."
Lou is obviously upset about this, but asks, "How much longer do I have doc?"
The doctor says, "10."
Lou says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?"
The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."
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Epitaph Adjustment
A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat." - Marcus Brigstocke
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Costume
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."
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Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During anoral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new"on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have ifwe placed a "K" in the front?"After a moment's reflection, Johnny smiled and said,"Canoe?"
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The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot atcounting money and adding up figures."Where did you get your finance education?" he asked."Yale," replied the lad."And what's your name?" barked the manager."Yim Yohnston," he replied.
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From our archives --Redneck Fisherman Love PoemCollards is green, my dog's name is Blueand I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.You move like the bass, which excite me in May.You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yoreman,to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinylsidin'.despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,we go together like a skunk goes with stank.Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.Some men git roses on that special dayfrom the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth."Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.But for this man, honey, these won't do.Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,more useful than diamonds: IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 2nd
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How True!A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?""Yes, sir," answered the boy."I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?""My father, sir.""And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly."He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."
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I hadn't read this one in a while, but it is a good'en!One day a man was walking in the woods when he gotlost. For two days he roamed around trying to find away out. He had not eaten anything during this periodand was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted abald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it.Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to findhim at that moment, and arrested him for killing anendangered species.At court, he plead innocent to the charges against himclaiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he wouldhave died from starvation.The judge ruled in his favor.In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "Iwould like you to tell me something before I let yougo. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan onit. What did it taste like?"The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a crossbetween a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
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Simply Terrible!A tax collector knocked on the door of a countrydebtor. "Is Bill home?" he asked the woman whoanswered the door."Sorry," the woman replied. "Bill's gone for cotton."The next day, the collector tried again. "Is Bill heretoday?""No, sir," she said. "I'm afraid Bill has gone forcotton."When he returned the third day, he humphed, "And Isuppose Bill has gone for cotton again today?""No," the woman answered solemnly. "Bill diedyesterday." She wiped a tear with a tear-stainedhanky.Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collectordecided to wait a week and investigate the cemeteryhimself, where, sure enough, there was poor Bill'stombstone with the inscription, "Gone, But Not forCotton."
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A woman walked into a pet store. "I haven't got muchmoney", she told the clerk, "so I'd like to know ifyou've got any kittens you'll let go cheap"."I'd let them, Ma'am." said the clerk, "but theyprefer to meow."
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"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both itsgood points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'mgoing to tell you about both."The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant oneblock south and a slaughterhouse a block north.""What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer."The advantage is that you can always tell which way thewind is blowing."
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Getting Ready
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume party."
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!"
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Dear Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder - and your hand over my mouth."
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Work Ethic
I worked as an accountant in a paper mill where my boss decided that it would improve motivation to split a bonus between the two shifts based on what percentage of the total production each one accomplished.
The workers quickly realized that it was easier to sabotage the next shift than to make more paper. Co-workers put glue in locks, loosened nuts on equipment so it would fall apart, you name it. The bonus scheme was abandoned after about ten days, to avoid all out civil war.
How True!A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?""Yes, sir," answered the boy."I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?""My father, sir.""And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly."He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."
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I hadn't read this one in a while, but it is a good'en!One day a man was walking in the woods when he gotlost. For two days he roamed around trying to find away out. He had not eaten anything during this periodand was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted abald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it.Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to findhim at that moment, and arrested him for killing anendangered species.At court, he plead innocent to the charges against himclaiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he wouldhave died from starvation.The judge ruled in his favor.In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "Iwould like you to tell me something before I let yougo. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan onit. What did it taste like?"The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a crossbetween a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
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Simply Terrible!A tax collector knocked on the door of a countrydebtor. "Is Bill home?" he asked the woman whoanswered the door."Sorry," the woman replied. "Bill's gone for cotton."The next day, the collector tried again. "Is Bill heretoday?""No, sir," she said. "I'm afraid Bill has gone forcotton."When he returned the third day, he humphed, "And Isuppose Bill has gone for cotton again today?""No," the woman answered solemnly. "Bill diedyesterday." She wiped a tear with a tear-stainedhanky.Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collectordecided to wait a week and investigate the cemeteryhimself, where, sure enough, there was poor Bill'stombstone with the inscription, "Gone, But Not forCotton."
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A woman walked into a pet store. "I haven't got muchmoney", she told the clerk, "so I'd like to know ifyou've got any kittens you'll let go cheap"."I'd let them, Ma'am." said the clerk, "but theyprefer to meow."
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"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both itsgood points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'mgoing to tell you about both."The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant oneblock south and a slaughterhouse a block north.""What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer."The advantage is that you can always tell which way thewind is blowing."
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Getting Ready
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume party."
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!"
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Dear Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder - and your hand over my mouth."
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Work Ethic
I worked as an accountant in a paper mill where my boss decided that it would improve motivation to split a bonus between the two shifts based on what percentage of the total production each one accomplished.
The workers quickly realized that it was easier to sabotage the next shift than to make more paper. Co-workers put glue in locks, loosened nuts on equipment so it would fall apart, you name it. The bonus scheme was abandoned after about ten days, to avoid all out civil war.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 1st
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An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old
general sends for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all
your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of
army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the
ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three
hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on
white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns.
Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of
that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate."
Received from Pastor Tim.
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A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.
Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to- door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
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Computer Help Desk
Heard by the computer help desk:
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"
Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."
Helpdesk: "Can you tell me what the password was?"
Customer: "Five stars."
Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
______
Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out."
Helpdesk: "Have you tried pushing the button?"
Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."
Helpdesk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."
Customer: "No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry..."
______
Helpdesk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen."
Customer: "Your left or my left?"
______
Helpdesk: "Good day. How may I help you?"
Male customer: "Hello, I can't print."
Helpdesk: "Would you click on start for me and..."
Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"
______
Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."
______
Customer: "I have problems printing in red."
Helpdesk: "Do you have a color printer?"
Customer: "Aaaah... Thank you."
______
Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."
Helpdesk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"
Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."
Helpdesk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."
Customer: "Okay."
Helpdesk: "Did the keyboard come with you?"
Customer: "Yes."
Helpdesk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?"
Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ahh, that one works!"
______
Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."
Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"
______
Helpdesk: "What anti-virus program do you use?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Helpdesk: "That's not an anti-virus program."
Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."
______
Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"
______
Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"
Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."
Helpdesk: "Okay, and what seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Spooky Puns
Q: What is Frankenstein's favorite waterway?
A: The Eerie Canal.
Q: What is a ghosts favorite ride at the midway?
A: A roller ghoster!!
Q: Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
A: He wants to use them later for cold cuts!!
--Johnny B. age 10, Clarksdale,MS
Q: What is Dracula's favorite coffee?
A: De'coffin'ated!
Q: What is a baby ghost's favorite game?
A: Peek-a-boo!
--Michael R. age 9 Hanford,CA
Q: How does a werewolf like his eggs for breakfast?
A: Terrorfried!
--Johnny B. age 10, Clarksdale,MS
Q: What is a Mummies' favorite type of music?
A: Wrap!
--James H. age 9, Austin,TX
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
--Henrietta J. from the Bronx
Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Horrible Pun...
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly
Eastern city and began commuting each day to work
through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic
jams.
To make the task less onerous, he invited several of
his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found,
however, that the commute continued to get more
stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels.
He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine
on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at
night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week
long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those
four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get
anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had
identified the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in
these parts."
"Please tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as.... Carpool Tunnel
Syndrome."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One Out Of Season
My high school English teacher was well known for
being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B
minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade
and in the spirit of the Valentine season, I sent her
an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the
pre-printed inscription: "Be Mine."
The following day, I received in return, a valentine
from the teacher. It read: "Thank you, but it's still
Be Mine-Us."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. Wht do you get when you cross a cow with a rabbit?
A. A hare in your milk.
******************************************************
Q. What do you call a man who sits at your front
door?
A. Matt.
******************************************************
My friend Tom said he stopped watching golf on TV. His
doctor recommended that he get more exercise. So now
he watches tennis....
****************
The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a 'Stop
Button.' He babbled on and on and on, oblivious to his
increasingly restless audience.
Finally, one of the more drunken diners hurled an
empty soda bottle at him. It misses, and hit the
Chairman instead.
As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor, clutching
his head, he was heard to murmur. . .
"Hit me again, I can still hear him."
An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old
general sends for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all
your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of
army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the
ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three
hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on
white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns.
Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of
that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate."
Received from Pastor Tim.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.
Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to- door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Computer Help Desk
Heard by the computer help desk:
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"
Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."
Helpdesk: "Can you tell me what the password was?"
Customer: "Five stars."
Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
______
Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out."
Helpdesk: "Have you tried pushing the button?"
Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."
Helpdesk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."
Customer: "No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry..."
______
Helpdesk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen."
Customer: "Your left or my left?"
______
Helpdesk: "Good day. How may I help you?"
Male customer: "Hello, I can't print."
Helpdesk: "Would you click on start for me and..."
Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"
______
Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."
______
Customer: "I have problems printing in red."
Helpdesk: "Do you have a color printer?"
Customer: "Aaaah... Thank you."
______
Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."
Helpdesk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"
Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."
Helpdesk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."
Customer: "Okay."
Helpdesk: "Did the keyboard come with you?"
Customer: "Yes."
Helpdesk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?"
Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ahh, that one works!"
______
Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."
Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"
______
Helpdesk: "What anti-virus program do you use?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Helpdesk: "That's not an anti-virus program."
Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."
______
Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"
______
Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"
Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."
Helpdesk: "Okay, and what seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Spooky Puns
Q: What is Frankenstein's favorite waterway?
A: The Eerie Canal.
Q: What is a ghosts favorite ride at the midway?
A: A roller ghoster!!
Q: Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
A: He wants to use them later for cold cuts!!
--Johnny B. age 10, Clarksdale,MS
Q: What is Dracula's favorite coffee?
A: De'coffin'ated!
Q: What is a baby ghost's favorite game?
A: Peek-a-boo!
--Michael R. age 9 Hanford,CA
Q: How does a werewolf like his eggs for breakfast?
A: Terrorfried!
--Johnny B. age 10, Clarksdale,MS
Q: What is a Mummies' favorite type of music?
A: Wrap!
--James H. age 9, Austin,TX
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
--Henrietta J. from the Bronx
Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Horrible Pun...
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly
Eastern city and began commuting each day to work
through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic
jams.
To make the task less onerous, he invited several of
his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found,
however, that the commute continued to get more
stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels.
He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine
on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at
night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week
long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those
four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get
anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had
identified the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in
these parts."
"Please tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as.... Carpool Tunnel
Syndrome."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One Out Of Season
My high school English teacher was well known for
being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B
minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade
and in the spirit of the Valentine season, I sent her
an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the
pre-printed inscription: "Be Mine."
The following day, I received in return, a valentine
from the teacher. It read: "Thank you, but it's still
Be Mine-Us."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. Wht do you get when you cross a cow with a rabbit?
A. A hare in your milk.
******************************************************
Q. What do you call a man who sits at your front
door?
A. Matt.
******************************************************
My friend Tom said he stopped watching golf on TV. His
doctor recommended that he get more exercise. So now
he watches tennis....
****************
The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a 'Stop
Button.' He babbled on and on and on, oblivious to his
increasingly restless audience.
Finally, one of the more drunken diners hurled an
empty soda bottle at him. It misses, and hit the
Chairman instead.
As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor, clutching
his head, he was heard to murmur. . .
"Hit me again, I can still hear him."
Monday, October 31, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 31st
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speeding Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tree TroubleA logger went to cut down a tree. He used his ax a fewtimes, yelled "timber," and the tree fell. Thenchopped for a while on a second tree, yelled "timber,"and that tree fell as well. He went through the sameprocess with a third tree, but the third tree wouldn'tfall over. So he tried a chain saw, and thenexplosives, finally he called in a "Tree Doctor." The doctor checked out the tree, thought about what todo for a minute then finger-signed "T-I-M-B-E-R." Thethird tree finally fell down. The doctor explained to the lumberjack that thisparticular tree was Deaf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
California Department of Transportation's drivingschool:Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossingthe road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach afour-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumpersticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if youcould no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.Q: What are some points to remember when passing orbeing passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she iscute.Q: What is the difference between a flashing redtraffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?A: The color.Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?A: Heavy psychedelics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry short folks...A man went to apply for a job. After filling out allof his applications, he waited anxiously for theoutcome.The employer read all his applications and said, "Wehave an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," he said, "What is it?""It's called the door!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strange Customs...A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukonwho had never recorded a baptism, confirmation ormarriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation bybaptizing and confirming everyone. He also marriedevery beaming couple that walked by.Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe hadnever had so much fun. The bishop asked the chiefwhich part they enjoyed the most."The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "Weall got new wives!"
Speeding Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tree TroubleA logger went to cut down a tree. He used his ax a fewtimes, yelled "timber," and the tree fell. Thenchopped for a while on a second tree, yelled "timber,"and that tree fell as well. He went through the sameprocess with a third tree, but the third tree wouldn'tfall over. So he tried a chain saw, and thenexplosives, finally he called in a "Tree Doctor." The doctor checked out the tree, thought about what todo for a minute then finger-signed "T-I-M-B-E-R." Thethird tree finally fell down. The doctor explained to the lumberjack that thisparticular tree was Deaf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
California Department of Transportation's drivingschool:Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossingthe road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach afour-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumpersticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if youcould no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.Q: What are some points to remember when passing orbeing passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she iscute.Q: What is the difference between a flashing redtraffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?A: The color.Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?A: Heavy psychedelics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry short folks...A man went to apply for a job. After filling out allof his applications, he waited anxiously for theoutcome.The employer read all his applications and said, "Wehave an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," he said, "What is it?""It's called the door!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strange Customs...A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukonwho had never recorded a baptism, confirmation ormarriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation bybaptizing and confirming everyone. He also marriedevery beaming couple that walked by.Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe hadnever had so much fun. The bishop asked the chiefwhich part they enjoyed the most."The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "Weall got new wives!"
hUMOR For Oct. 31st
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speeding Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tree TroubleA logger went to cut down a tree. He used his ax a fewtimes, yelled "timber," and the tree fell. Thenchopped for a while on a second tree, yelled "timber,"and that tree fell as well. He went through the sameprocess with a third tree, but the third tree wouldn'tfall over. So he tried a chain saw, and thenexplosives, finally he called in a "Tree Doctor." The doctor checked out the tree, thought about what todo for a minute then finger-signed "T-I-M-B-E-R." Thethird tree finally fell down. The doctor explained to the lumberjack that thisparticular tree was Deaf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
California Department of Transportation's drivingschool:Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossingthe road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach afour-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumpersticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if youcould no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.Q: What are some points to remember when passing orbeing passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she iscute.Q: What is the difference between a flashing redtraffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?A: The color.Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?A: Heavy psychedelics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry short folks...A man went to apply for a job. After filling out allof his applications, he waited anxiously for theoutcome.The employer read all his applications and said, "Wehave an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," he said, "What is it?""It's called the door!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strange Customs...A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukonwho had never recorded a baptism, confirmation ormarriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation bybaptizing and confirming everyone. He also marriedevery beaming couple that walked by.Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe hadnever had so much fun. The bishop asked the chiefwhich part they enjoyed the most."The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "Weall got new wives!"
Speeding Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tree TroubleA logger went to cut down a tree. He used his ax a fewtimes, yelled "timber," and the tree fell. Thenchopped for a while on a second tree, yelled "timber,"and that tree fell as well. He went through the sameprocess with a third tree, but the third tree wouldn'tfall over. So he tried a chain saw, and thenexplosives, finally he called in a "Tree Doctor." The doctor checked out the tree, thought about what todo for a minute then finger-signed "T-I-M-B-E-R." Thethird tree finally fell down. The doctor explained to the lumberjack that thisparticular tree was Deaf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
California Department of Transportation's drivingschool:Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossingthe road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach afour-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumpersticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if youcould no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.Q: What are some points to remember when passing orbeing passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she iscute.Q: What is the difference between a flashing redtraffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?A: The color.Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?A: Heavy psychedelics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry short folks...A man went to apply for a job. After filling out allof his applications, he waited anxiously for theoutcome.The employer read all his applications and said, "Wehave an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," he said, "What is it?""It's called the door!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strange Customs...A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukonwho had never recorded a baptism, confirmation ormarriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation bybaptizing and confirming everyone. He also marriedevery beaming couple that walked by.Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe hadnever had so much fun. The bishop asked the chiefwhich part they enjoyed the most."The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "Weall got new wives!"
Sunday, October 30, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 30th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fire TestJoey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
**************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we a like?"
"You're both old," he said.
********************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
***********************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
**********************************
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
**************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
********************************************
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
***********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helping Sam at Church
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Courage
A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his university. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay on the topic, "What is courage?"
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and turned in the piece of paper.
All he had written was: "This is."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Business TripA husband has to go away on a business trip. Reallybad timing - his wife is about to deliver a set oftwins (boy & girl). Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his planetakes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital.She has a rough labor and it takes a long time torecover her communication skills. But the hospital needs names for the babies beforethey can release them from the hospital. So it's up tothe new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster)to name them. When the husband finally comes home, he is a bitworried about what his brother named his children. Sohe carefully asks his wife what are their names.She replied, "Well, he named our daughter Denise." "Hey, that's not so bad" he says and smiles."I know, but he named your son Denephew!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What do you give a sick pig?A. Oinkment.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DoctorIt was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in themiddle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piledup in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emergedfrom the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's allright honey, I've had a course in first aid."The woman stood up and watched as he took the illman's pulse and prepared to administer artificialrespiration.At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'malready here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. Why did the cake like to play baseball?A. It was a good batter!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What's the name of the snake that joined theCanadian Police force?A. Mountie Python.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What drink do balloons hate?A. Pop!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Day scare centers.What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full ofpiranha fish ? It came back with a skeleton crew !What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin.What does a ghost eat for lunch? A Boo-logna sandwich.Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? Because if they were small and round and smooththey'd be M&Ms.Which story do all little witches love to hear atbedtime? "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.Why don't skeletons go scuba diving? They haven't got the guts.
Fire TestJoey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
**************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we a like?"
"You're both old," he said.
********************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
***********************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
**********************************
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
**************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
********************************************
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
***********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helping Sam at Church
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Courage
A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his university. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay on the topic, "What is courage?"
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and turned in the piece of paper.
All he had written was: "This is."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Business TripA husband has to go away on a business trip. Reallybad timing - his wife is about to deliver a set oftwins (boy & girl). Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his planetakes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital.She has a rough labor and it takes a long time torecover her communication skills. But the hospital needs names for the babies beforethey can release them from the hospital. So it's up tothe new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster)to name them. When the husband finally comes home, he is a bitworried about what his brother named his children. Sohe carefully asks his wife what are their names.She replied, "Well, he named our daughter Denise." "Hey, that's not so bad" he says and smiles."I know, but he named your son Denephew!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What do you give a sick pig?A. Oinkment.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DoctorIt was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in themiddle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piledup in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emergedfrom the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's allright honey, I've had a course in first aid."The woman stood up and watched as he took the illman's pulse and prepared to administer artificialrespiration.At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'malready here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. Why did the cake like to play baseball?A. It was a good batter!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What's the name of the snake that joined theCanadian Police force?A. Mountie Python.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. What drink do balloons hate?A. Pop!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Day scare centers.What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full ofpiranha fish ? It came back with a skeleton crew !What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin.What does a ghost eat for lunch? A Boo-logna sandwich.Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? Because if they were small and round and smooththey'd be M&Ms.Which story do all little witches love to hear atbedtime? "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.Why don't skeletons go scuba diving? They haven't got the guts.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 29th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fire TestJoey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
**************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we a like?"
"You're both old," he said.
********************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
***********************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
**********************************
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
**************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
********************************************
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
***********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Fire TestJoey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
**************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we a like?"
"You're both old," he said.
********************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
***********************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
**********************************
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
**************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
********************************************
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
***********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Friday, October 28, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 28th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Self-Consciousness
I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous. However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look.
Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Problem NameThe famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronouncedPeek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete...she is now anurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit ofa large metropolitan hospital. She is not permittedto answer the hospital telephones. It caused too muchconfusion when she would answer the phone and say:Picabo, ICU.
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Self-Consciousness
I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous. However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look.
Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Problem NameThe famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronouncedPeek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete...she is now anurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit ofa large metropolitan hospital. She is not permittedto answer the hospital telephones. It caused too muchconfusion when she would answer the phone and say:Picabo, ICU.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 27th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How Important?I was watching a Brittish detective story on TV. The local group was gathering in their hunting best for a fox hunt. In the opening scene my 9 year old daughter wanted to know what the people were doing, noticing the formal hunting outfits and well groomed horses. I replied that they were looking for a fox. There was a short stunned silence and then she asked: "Is it a very important fox?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife and are approaching our 76th birthdays, and for themost part, we feel fine. A few weeks ago we had just gotteninto bed when I noticed my wife taking an extra amount oftime smoothing out her nightgown, then pulling up the coversand smoothing them out, and then finally going to worksmoothing out her pillow. After watching all this activityfor a while, I finally asked, "What are you doing?""Well," she replied, "I don't like to sleep on wrinkles.""Ha!" I replied. "At our age, how can you avoid it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pet Training
A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly.
For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog!I forgot to watch my dog!"
How Important?I was watching a Brittish detective story on TV. The local group was gathering in their hunting best for a fox hunt. In the opening scene my 9 year old daughter wanted to know what the people were doing, noticing the formal hunting outfits and well groomed horses. I replied that they were looking for a fox. There was a short stunned silence and then she asked: "Is it a very important fox?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife and are approaching our 76th birthdays, and for themost part, we feel fine. A few weeks ago we had just gotteninto bed when I noticed my wife taking an extra amount oftime smoothing out her nightgown, then pulling up the coversand smoothing them out, and then finally going to worksmoothing out her pillow. After watching all this activityfor a while, I finally asked, "What are you doing?""Well," she replied, "I don't like to sleep on wrinkles.""Ha!" I replied. "At our age, how can you avoid it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pet Training
A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly.
For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog!I forgot to watch my dog!"
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 26
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Water HazardA buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet. He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, & even threw two by hand, & the ducks still wouldn't budge. Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, shecouldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the carzoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speedingtrain, and through walls that fell away at the last second,she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily,"Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Government Work
You know you work for the government when:
The process becomes more important than the product.
You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms.
You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance.(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention
You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 30s."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Self-Righteousness
Thanks to List Member Dannette from Ohio for this true story about here son.
When my son was 4, I was in Women's Bible Study Fellowship. They had classes for children as well, while we studied in our groups. One day, as my son and I were walking to our car, my son said to me, "Mom, I'm not going to sin anymore."
You can imagine my pride at hearing this. Then I got to wondering why he said this, so I asked him.
This was his answer: "Jesus said if you don't sin, you can throw the first stone and I want to throw the first stone."
Dannette from Ohio
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Washing Clothes RecipeYears ago a grandmother gave the new bride thefollowing recipe for washing clothes. This is an exactcopy as written and found in an old scrapbook - withspelling errors and all.Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water.Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.Sort things, make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1 pilecolored, 1 pile work britches and rags.To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth,then thin down with boiling water.Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrubhard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil justwrench and starch.Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle,then wrench, and starch.Hang old rags on fence. Spread tea towels on grass.Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hotsoapy water. Turn tubs upside down.Paste this over your washer and dryer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sauce Control CenterBecky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she wasgiving. In her haste, however, she forgot torefrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on thecounter all day. She was worried about spoilage, butit was too late to cook up another batch.She called the local Poison Control Center and voicedher concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauceagain.That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one ofthe guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's facedropped as the guest called out, "It's the PoisonControl Center. They want to know how the spaghettisauce turned out."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After The RainWhatever your cross, whatever your pain,There will always be sunshine after the rain.Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall,But God's always ready to answer your call.He knows every heartache, sees every tear,A word from His lips can calm every fear.Your sorrows may linger throughout the night,But suddenly vanish at dawn's early light.The Savior is waiting somewhere aboveTo give you His grace and send you His love.Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,God always sends rainbows after the rain.Author Unknown
Water HazardA buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet. He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, & even threw two by hand, & the ducks still wouldn't budge. Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, shecouldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the carzoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speedingtrain, and through walls that fell away at the last second,she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily,"Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Government Work
You know you work for the government when:
The process becomes more important than the product.
You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms.
You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance.(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention
You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 30s."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Self-Righteousness
Thanks to List Member Dannette from Ohio for this true story about here son.
When my son was 4, I was in Women's Bible Study Fellowship. They had classes for children as well, while we studied in our groups. One day, as my son and I were walking to our car, my son said to me, "Mom, I'm not going to sin anymore."
You can imagine my pride at hearing this. Then I got to wondering why he said this, so I asked him.
This was his answer: "Jesus said if you don't sin, you can throw the first stone and I want to throw the first stone."
Dannette from Ohio
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Washing Clothes RecipeYears ago a grandmother gave the new bride thefollowing recipe for washing clothes. This is an exactcopy as written and found in an old scrapbook - withspelling errors and all.Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water.Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.Sort things, make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1 pilecolored, 1 pile work britches and rags.To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth,then thin down with boiling water.Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrubhard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil justwrench and starch.Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle,then wrench, and starch.Hang old rags on fence. Spread tea towels on grass.Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hotsoapy water. Turn tubs upside down.Paste this over your washer and dryer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sauce Control CenterBecky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she wasgiving. In her haste, however, she forgot torefrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on thecounter all day. She was worried about spoilage, butit was too late to cook up another batch.She called the local Poison Control Center and voicedher concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauceagain.That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one ofthe guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's facedropped as the guest called out, "It's the PoisonControl Center. They want to know how the spaghettisauce turned out."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After The RainWhatever your cross, whatever your pain,There will always be sunshine after the rain.Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall,But God's always ready to answer your call.He knows every heartache, sees every tear,A word from His lips can calm every fear.Your sorrows may linger throughout the night,But suddenly vanish at dawn's early light.The Savior is waiting somewhere aboveTo give you His grace and send you His love.Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,God always sends rainbows after the rain.Author Unknown
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 25th
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One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sank with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the Garbage man and, knowing that he was not real good on earth, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228"
"That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist. "Hello,please mark William absent today," said the man."Why?" asked the receptionist."He is sick," said the man."Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" asked the receptionist."My uncle," said William.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From British Newspapers
* Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
* Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
* A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
* At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
* Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Hobby Books
BAND PLAYING by Clara Nett
JAZZ MUSIC by Tenna Saxe
CUDDLY TOYS by Ted E. Behr
THE STARS TELL IT ALL by Horace Cope
SCULPTING THE GODS OF GREECE AND ROME by Jove
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday SermonA minister decided that a visual demonstration wouldadd emphasis to his Sunday sermon.Four worms were placed into four separate jars.The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.The second worm was put into a container of cigarettesmoke.The third worm was put into a container of chocolatesyrup.The fourth worm was put into a container of good cleansoil.At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reportedthe following results:The first worm in alcohol - Dead.The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.So the Minister asked the congregation - What can youlearn from this demonstration?A little old woman in the back quickly raised her handand said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eatchocolate, you won't have worms!"Don't you just love little old ladies????
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go Bananas!After Reading this, you'll NEVER look at a Banana inthe same way again!Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructoseand glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives aninstant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.Research has proven that just two bananas provideenough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. Nowonder the banana is the number one fruit with theworld's leading athletes. But energy isn't the onlyway a banana can help us keep fit. It can also helpovercome or prevent a substantial number of illnessesand conditions, making it a must to add to our dailydiet.Depression: According to a recent survey undertakenby MIND amongst people suffering from depression, manyfelt much better after eating a banana. This isbecause bananas contain tryptophan, a type of proteinthat the body converts into serotonin, known to makeyou relax, improve your mood and generally make youfeel happier. PMS: Forget the pills -- eat a banana. The vitamin B6it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which canaffect your mood. Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate theproduction of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps incases of anemia.Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit isextremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making itthe perfect way to beat blood pressure . So much so,the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowedthe banana industry to make official claims for thefruit's ability to reduce the risk of high bloodpressure and stroke. Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex)school were helped through their exams this year byeating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bidto boost their brain power. Research has shown thatthe potassium-packed fruit can assist learning bymaking pupils more alert.Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in thediet can help restore normal bowel action, helping toovercome the problem without resorting to laxatives. Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing ahangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened withhoney. The banana calms the stomach and, with the helpof the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels,while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect inthe body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eatinga banana for soothing relief.Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between mealshelps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morningsickness.Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bitecream, try rubbing the affected area with the insideof a banana skin. Many people find it amazinglysuccessful at reducing swelling and irritation.Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calmthe nervous system.Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute ofPsychology in Austria found pressure at work leads togorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps.Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers foundthe most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoidpanic-induced food cravings, we need to control ourblood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydratefoods every two hours to keep levels steady.Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food againstintestinal disorders because of its soft texture andsmoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eatenwithout distress in over-chronicler cases. It alsoneutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation bycoating the lining of the stomach.Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananasas a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physicaland emotional temperature of expectant mothers. InThailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas toensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can helpSAD sufferers because they contain the natural moodenhancer tryptophan, like in turkey.Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to giveup smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as thepotassium and magnesium found in them, help the bodyrecover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helpsnormalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain andregulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducingour potassium levels.These can be rebalanced with thehelp of a high-potassium banana snack.Strokes: According to research in The New EnglandJournal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of aregular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes byas much as 40%! So, a banana really is a naturalremedy for many ills, and it tastes good too. When youcompare it to an apple, it has four times the protein,twice the carbohydrates, three times the phosphorus,five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the othervitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassiumand is one of the best value foods around. So maybeits time to change that well-known phrase so that wesay, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sank with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the Garbage man and, knowing that he was not real good on earth, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228"
"That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist. "Hello,please mark William absent today," said the man."Why?" asked the receptionist."He is sick," said the man."Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" asked the receptionist."My uncle," said William.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From British Newspapers
* Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
* Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
* A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
* At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
* Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Hobby Books
BAND PLAYING by Clara Nett
JAZZ MUSIC by Tenna Saxe
CUDDLY TOYS by Ted E. Behr
THE STARS TELL IT ALL by Horace Cope
SCULPTING THE GODS OF GREECE AND ROME by Jove
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday SermonA minister decided that a visual demonstration wouldadd emphasis to his Sunday sermon.Four worms were placed into four separate jars.The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.The second worm was put into a container of cigarettesmoke.The third worm was put into a container of chocolatesyrup.The fourth worm was put into a container of good cleansoil.At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reportedthe following results:The first worm in alcohol - Dead.The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.So the Minister asked the congregation - What can youlearn from this demonstration?A little old woman in the back quickly raised her handand said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eatchocolate, you won't have worms!"Don't you just love little old ladies????
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go Bananas!After Reading this, you'll NEVER look at a Banana inthe same way again!Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructoseand glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives aninstant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.Research has proven that just two bananas provideenough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. Nowonder the banana is the number one fruit with theworld's leading athletes. But energy isn't the onlyway a banana can help us keep fit. It can also helpovercome or prevent a substantial number of illnessesand conditions, making it a must to add to our dailydiet.Depression: According to a recent survey undertakenby MIND amongst people suffering from depression, manyfelt much better after eating a banana. This isbecause bananas contain tryptophan, a type of proteinthat the body converts into serotonin, known to makeyou relax, improve your mood and generally make youfeel happier. PMS: Forget the pills -- eat a banana. The vitamin B6it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which canaffect your mood. Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate theproduction of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps incases of anemia.Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit isextremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making itthe perfect way to beat blood pressure . So much so,the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowedthe banana industry to make official claims for thefruit's ability to reduce the risk of high bloodpressure and stroke. Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex)school were helped through their exams this year byeating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bidto boost their brain power. Research has shown thatthe potassium-packed fruit can assist learning bymaking pupils more alert.Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in thediet can help restore normal bowel action, helping toovercome the problem without resorting to laxatives. Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing ahangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened withhoney. The banana calms the stomach and, with the helpof the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels,while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect inthe body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eatinga banana for soothing relief.Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between mealshelps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morningsickness.Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bitecream, try rubbing the affected area with the insideof a banana skin. Many people find it amazinglysuccessful at reducing swelling and irritation.Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calmthe nervous system.Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute ofPsychology in Austria found pressure at work leads togorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps.Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers foundthe most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoidpanic-induced food cravings, we need to control ourblood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydratefoods every two hours to keep levels steady.Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food againstintestinal disorders because of its soft texture andsmoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eatenwithout distress in over-chronicler cases. It alsoneutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation bycoating the lining of the stomach.Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananasas a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physicaland emotional temperature of expectant mothers. InThailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas toensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can helpSAD sufferers because they contain the natural moodenhancer tryptophan, like in turkey.Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to giveup smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as thepotassium and magnesium found in them, help the bodyrecover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helpsnormalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain andregulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducingour potassium levels.These can be rebalanced with thehelp of a high-potassium banana snack.Strokes: According to research in The New EnglandJournal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of aregular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes byas much as 40%! So, a banana really is a naturalremedy for many ills, and it tastes good too. When youcompare it to an apple, it has four times the protein,twice the carbohydrates, three times the phosphorus,five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the othervitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassiumand is one of the best value foods around. So maybeits time to change that well-known phrase so that wesay, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"
Monday, October 24, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 24th
Traffic StopA traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor trafficviolation. After examining her driver's license insilence for a moment, he said, "You know something?This is one of the finest, most realistic picturesI've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one ofthose vain women who have their photos retouched toremove all the lines in their face.""Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at mythumb-print."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to bereleased first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.12. You no longer think of speed limits as achallenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matterwho walks into the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music. 15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 16. Your investment in health insurance is finallybeginning to pay off. 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists thanthe national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends becausethey can't remember them either. 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down tomanageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE PRODIGAL SON (In the Key of 'F')Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellowforced his fond father to fork over the farthings andflew to foreign fields and frittered his fortune,feasting fabulously with faithless friends.Fleeced by his fellows in flooy, and facing famine, hefound himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard.Fairly famishing, he fain would have filled his framewith foraged food from fodder fragments."Fooey! My father's flunkies fare finer," thefrazzled fugitive forlornly fumbled, frankly facingfacts. Frustrated by failure and filled withforeboding, he fled forthwith to his family. Fallingat his father's feet, he forlornly fumbled, "Father,I've flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor!"The farsighted father, forestalling further flinching,frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch a fatlingfrom the flock and fix a feast.The fugitive's fault-finding brother frowned on fickleforgiveness of former folderol. But the faithfulfather figured, "Filial fidelity is fine, but thefugitive is found! What forbids fervent festivity?Let flags be unfurled. Let fanfares flare"And the father's forgiveness formed the foundation forthe former fugitive's future faith and fortitude.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chemlite Arrival
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult. We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied, "Earth."
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to bereleased first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.12. You no longer think of speed limits as achallenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matterwho walks into the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music. 15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 16. Your investment in health insurance is finallybeginning to pay off. 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists thanthe national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends becausethey can't remember them either. 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down tomanageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE PRODIGAL SON (In the Key of 'F')Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellowforced his fond father to fork over the farthings andflew to foreign fields and frittered his fortune,feasting fabulously with faithless friends.Fleeced by his fellows in flooy, and facing famine, hefound himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard.Fairly famishing, he fain would have filled his framewith foraged food from fodder fragments."Fooey! My father's flunkies fare finer," thefrazzled fugitive forlornly fumbled, frankly facingfacts. Frustrated by failure and filled withforeboding, he fled forthwith to his family. Fallingat his father's feet, he forlornly fumbled, "Father,I've flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor!"The farsighted father, forestalling further flinching,frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch a fatlingfrom the flock and fix a feast.The fugitive's fault-finding brother frowned on fickleforgiveness of former folderol. But the faithfulfather figured, "Filial fidelity is fine, but thefugitive is found! What forbids fervent festivity?Let flags be unfurled. Let fanfares flare"And the father's forgiveness formed the foundation forthe former fugitive's future faith and fortitude.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chemlite Arrival
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult. We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied, "Earth."
Sunday, October 23, 2005
hUMOR For Oct 23rd
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do Not Touch!Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Doctors
A fellow was asked if there were any good doctors is his home town. "Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "We have the best doctors in the world. Dr. James Jones is one good doctor; he's great; he saved my life."
"You don't say! How was that?"
"I was very sick and called Dr. Smith. He gave me some medicine and I got very, very ill. I then called Dr. Peters. He gave me more medicine. I got worse - I thought I was going to die.
"Then I called Dr. Jones. He had no time to come. He saved my life."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Joy In the Journey
In a remote village in Central America the word got out among the peoples of the region that one of the American missionaries that had served this country for many years was about to return to the US to live our the remaining years of her life.
The nationals desired to honor her for her years of service with a public time of appreciation. News of the event went to all parts of the country in which the missionary was known to the people. One very old and very poor man walked to the ceremony over mountainous terrain for 4 days to bring his gift to the missionary.
The gift consisted of 2 coconuts, but it was all the man had. The missionary recognized the man as coming from the remote village in the mountains.
"Brother, I cannot believe that you would walk so far to present me with this gift," said the missionary to the man.
His response? "Long walk part of gift."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
City Kids Camping Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. Themosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide undertheir blankets to keep from being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said tohis friend: "we might as well give up, they're comingat us with flashlights!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Cops...A tourist visiting New York City walked into a petshop and was looking at the animals on display. Whilehe was there, a police officer walked in and said tothe shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please."The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the sideof the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with acollar and leash and handed it to the officer saying,"That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked outwith his monkey.Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper andsaid, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of themare only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost somuch?"The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expertin firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month,and is certified in small unit tactics -- well worththe money!"The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage."That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does itdo?""Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrolmonkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basicfirearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physicaltraining, small unit tactics, and investigativetechniques, and it can even type. All the reallyuseful stuff," said the shopkeeper.The tourist looked around for a little longer and sawa third monkey in a large cage of its own. The pricetag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to theshopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the othersput together! What on earth does it do?"The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seenit do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."
Do Not Touch!Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Doctors
A fellow was asked if there were any good doctors is his home town. "Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "We have the best doctors in the world. Dr. James Jones is one good doctor; he's great; he saved my life."
"You don't say! How was that?"
"I was very sick and called Dr. Smith. He gave me some medicine and I got very, very ill. I then called Dr. Peters. He gave me more medicine. I got worse - I thought I was going to die.
"Then I called Dr. Jones. He had no time to come. He saved my life."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Joy In the Journey
In a remote village in Central America the word got out among the peoples of the region that one of the American missionaries that had served this country for many years was about to return to the US to live our the remaining years of her life.
The nationals desired to honor her for her years of service with a public time of appreciation. News of the event went to all parts of the country in which the missionary was known to the people. One very old and very poor man walked to the ceremony over mountainous terrain for 4 days to bring his gift to the missionary.
The gift consisted of 2 coconuts, but it was all the man had. The missionary recognized the man as coming from the remote village in the mountains.
"Brother, I cannot believe that you would walk so far to present me with this gift," said the missionary to the man.
His response? "Long walk part of gift."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
City Kids Camping Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. Themosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide undertheir blankets to keep from being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said tohis friend: "we might as well give up, they're comingat us with flashlights!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Cops...A tourist visiting New York City walked into a petshop and was looking at the animals on display. Whilehe was there, a police officer walked in and said tothe shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please."The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the sideof the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with acollar and leash and handed it to the officer saying,"That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked outwith his monkey.Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper andsaid, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of themare only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost somuch?"The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expertin firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month,and is certified in small unit tactics -- well worththe money!"The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage."That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does itdo?""Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrolmonkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basicfirearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physicaltraining, small unit tactics, and investigativetechniques, and it can even type. All the reallyuseful stuff," said the shopkeeper.The tourist looked around for a little longer and sawa third monkey in a large cage of its own. The pricetag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to theshopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the othersput together! What on earth does it do?"The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seenit do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."
Saturday, October 22, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 22nd
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Parking ConcernWhile walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?""No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern."Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.
Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law
P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm a Moth
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Vegetarian. That's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'" - Andy Rooney
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Prison Library Books
THE GANGSTERS by Robin Steele
MY LIFE IN CRIME by Upton O. Goode
BAD MONEY by Count R. Fitz
YOU ALWAYS GET CAUGHT by Sue Nora Later
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senior - ityAn older couple is lying in bed one morning, havingjust awakened from a good night's sleep.He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me.""Why not?" he asks.She answers back, "Because I'm dead."The husband says, "What are you talking about? We'reboth lying here in bed together and talking to oneanother."She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makesyou think you're dead?""Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More on Seniors...Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin topick up speed.I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it inthe food. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all! Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me,just don't have any film.I always know God won't give me more than I can handlebut there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite somuch. Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.If you look like your passport picture, you probablyneed the trip.Some days are a total waste of makeup.Middle age is when broadness of the mind andnarrowness of the waist change places.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.Junk is something you've kept for years and throw awaythree weeks before you need it.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you torecognize a mistake when you make it again.By the time you can make ends meet, they move theends.Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... youcan't live long enough to make them all yourself. I'vetried!! Have a Wonderful Day!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two WolvesOne evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about abattle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow,regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,superiority, and ego.The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,generosity, truth, compassion and faith."The grandson thought about it for a minute and thenasked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else inthe room stops to listen.MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes"WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautifulleather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and sawthe new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "$60,000"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all theoptions."WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house wewanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking$950,000"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but justoffer 900,000."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room arelooking at him in astonishment.Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Parking ConcernWhile walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?""No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern."Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.
Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law
P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm a Moth
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Vegetarian. That's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'" - Andy Rooney
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Prison Library Books
THE GANGSTERS by Robin Steele
MY LIFE IN CRIME by Upton O. Goode
BAD MONEY by Count R. Fitz
YOU ALWAYS GET CAUGHT by Sue Nora Later
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senior - ityAn older couple is lying in bed one morning, havingjust awakened from a good night's sleep.He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me.""Why not?" he asks.She answers back, "Because I'm dead."The husband says, "What are you talking about? We'reboth lying here in bed together and talking to oneanother."She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makesyou think you're dead?""Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More on Seniors...Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin topick up speed.I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it inthe food. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all! Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me,just don't have any film.I always know God won't give me more than I can handlebut there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite somuch. Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.If you look like your passport picture, you probablyneed the trip.Some days are a total waste of makeup.Middle age is when broadness of the mind andnarrowness of the waist change places.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.Junk is something you've kept for years and throw awaythree weeks before you need it.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you torecognize a mistake when you make it again.By the time you can make ends meet, they move theends.Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... youcan't live long enough to make them all yourself. I'vetried!! Have a Wonderful Day!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two WolvesOne evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about abattle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow,regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,superiority, and ego.The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,generosity, truth, compassion and faith."The grandson thought about it for a minute and thenasked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else inthe room stops to listen.MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes"WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautifulleather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and sawthe new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "$60,000"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all theoptions."WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house wewanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking$950,000"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but justoffer 900,000."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room arelooking at him in astonishment.Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Friday, October 21, 2005
hUMOR For Oct 21st
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LiL Red Hen (Modern version) Once upon a time, on a farm in Texas, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did.
The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig."I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread! ?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig."If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said thegoose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain. And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle," And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand,"But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared.....as long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for. Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything. IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Under the BedBecause of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises. Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye. It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Under the BedBecause of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises. Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye. It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
She pointed at the oil cap [upside down OIL READS 710]
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Explanation of Life
One day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of
your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I
will
give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years
and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.
On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,
do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life
span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And
God
agreed.
On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the
field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and
give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a
life
span
of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty
years.
How about twenty, and I'll give back the other forty?" And God
agreed
again.
Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play,
marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten
the
dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dining In
My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot. Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three year old and asked her to please drink her milk.
She looked at me bewildered, "But I didn't order milk."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote.
"Kindness is the sun that melts the ice of mistrust and hostility." - Rosie Cash
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If a dog was the teacher you wouldlearn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in yourface to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shadytree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entirebody. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into theguilt thing and pout..! run right back and makefriends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have hadenough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit closeby and nuzzle them gently.
LiL Red Hen (Modern version) Once upon a time, on a farm in Texas, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did.
The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig."I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread! ?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig."If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said thegoose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain. And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle," And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand,"But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared.....as long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for. Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything. IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Under the BedBecause of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises. Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye. It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Under the BedBecause of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises. Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye. It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
She pointed at the oil cap [upside down OIL READS 710]
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Explanation of Life
One day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of
your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I
will
give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years
and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.
On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,
do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life
span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And
God
agreed.
On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the
field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and
give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a
life
span
of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty
years.
How about twenty, and I'll give back the other forty?" And God
agreed
again.
Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play,
marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten
the
dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dining In
My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot. Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three year old and asked her to please drink her milk.
She looked at me bewildered, "But I didn't order milk."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote.
"Kindness is the sun that melts the ice of mistrust and hostility." - Rosie Cash
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If a dog was the teacher you wouldlearn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in yourface to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shadytree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entirebody. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into theguilt thing and pout..! run right back and makefriends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have hadenough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit closeby and nuzzle them gently.
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